Original subtitles

Happy fucking Friday, people!

It's not Friday, it's Saturday.

Well, that would explain why I was the only one at school today.

Silent boy!

I'm trying to buy tickets to CactusCon!

But they don't go on sale until Saturday.

Think it through.

Oh! Today's Saturday!

I got my tickets!

Anybody get tickets yet? Oh! Do you see me tapping?

I don't understand why everyone loves this cactus convention so much.

What? Tap my phone for me, will you? Thanks, little buddy.

Cactus Con is 12U's best convention.

It's better than Wallet Con, Squirrel Con, and Shaka Con.

You can tap one more, right? No, I'm kind of... Thanks, champ.

And there's great food there, too, like cactus milk, cactus tacos, cactus jerky.

That all sounds disgusting.

You're eating fajitas off the floor.

You want some?

Yeah, I'll have one.

I'll take a flor -hita.

And my sister's the cactus queen this year.

Mm -hmm. And I designed Piper's dress with my friend, Patina.

Wait, the pretty Patina, the prettier Patina, or the prettiest Patina?

Uh, Patina L.

The prettiest Patina?

Hey, can you tap my phone for me? Thanks, Mort.

I love Patina L. I love her.

Like, I love her.

Everybody loves Patina L. She's great.

Wait, have you, like, actually seen her? Have you been to her house?

No, her house is totally sealed shut.

Why? Does she smell bad?

No, she's got this crazy... What's yapping more tapping?

What? Dude, I'm literally tapping faster than any other human can tap right now.

You can yap faster than a human can, too. Now, will someone please tell me

Henry was about to say?

Patina has this really rare allergy.

What's she allergic to?

Air.

No,

seriously, what's she allergic to?

She's allergic to unfiltered air, so she can't go to school in person.

Yeah.

See, look. She has a nurse who pushes around a video monitor that shows a live

stream of Patina from her sealed -up house.

I swear I do not understand your generation.

Yeah, the monitor thing's a little weird at first, but... We gotta think it's

the cactus god!

just do a backflip? Yeah.

No one else impressed by Henry just doing a backflip?

It's just a backflip. He only did one.

Yeah, everybody can do a backflip.

I don't believe you.

Is this real life?

Wait, wait, no, no, no, no. What?

Can you not do one, dude?

Of course I can.

Okay.

I should probably get to Henry's house for Piper's fitting.

Is Tina going to be there?

Yeah. Can I come? You won't even know that I'm there. I'll be totally quiet.

I can do a backflip.

Okay.

Hey,

I forgot my backpack.

Did you just try to do a backflip?

No, no, I was just on the floor to get closer to these yummy florihitas.

That would have been embarrassing. I know, right?

What about all the respect for you? That would happen.

You're so good.

You're good.

Bye!

It all just kind of happened. I wanted an after -school job, but then an

indestructible superhero hired me to be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

Don't sit there.

My house too, Piper.

I sit where I want.

I just meant because that's where all the extra cactus needles are.

I feel that now.

Also, I'm going to need those needles back.

Sure thing.

Air freshener.

Cashmere plum.

I want it to smell nice for Patina.

Who cares how it smells?

Patina's allergic to unfiltered air, so she won't even be here in person. Yeah,

she's just going to be on that video monitor her nurse pisses around.

Well, what if she asks her nurse what the room smells like, hmm?

What that? What that?

Okay, I think you're getting a little crazy now.

All right, you're right.

You're right, all right?

I just need to chill out.

She's here, everybody! Shut up!

Wait. When I open the door, everybody laugh like I just said something really

funny, okay?

All right, hands.

Funny, funny.

Hey,

Patina.

Cashmere and plum.

It's delightful.

Does this place have a basement?

Huh? Uh, yeah.

I'll find it.

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

She was talking to me.

Is this how you said you wanted the sash to hang?

Yes, you nailed it.

Piper, I wish I could see you in that dress at Cactus Con in person.

Well, then do it. Then come with me. I'll be your date.

Slow down.

Be bold.

Jasper, I would love to go to Cactus Con with you.

Keep going. It's working.

But I can't.

Oof. Dude, you just got curved hard.

No. No, no, no. I didn't mean to curve you.

What if you could?

I don't see how that's possible.

I'm allergic to air.

Kid Danger!

What? Oh, God.

What about Kid Danger?

He owes me a favor.

He does?

Yeah, does he, Jasper?

Yeah, he does, and he could protect you.

From allergies?

No. I mean, yes, but I just mean that Kid Danger's got all kinds of...

Cool gadgets and stuff.

Right, Henry?

How would I know that?

Because you're such a big Kid Danger fan.

Yeah, whatever.

If I could guarantee that Kid Danger will keep you safe, will you come to

Con with me? Guarantee's a strong word.

Jasper, that would be amazing.

But would Kid Danger really do that? Of course.

He loves me.

Loves a strong word. He'll do it.

everybody. Hey Jasper, can I talk to you outside on the porch, please? Sure.

Charlotte, will you please tell Jasper that he can't volunteer to danger for

personal life? Will you please tell Henry that I'm in love?

Will you please tell Jasper that we don't have anything in the man cave that

help Patina? We actually might have something in the man cave that can help

Patina. Jasper, will you please ask Charlotte what she's talking about?

Bro. Don't bro me.

Hypoallergenic bubble suit somewhere in the man cave? Small.

Oh yeah, we got that.

It's like trying to explain to somebody how to walk.

You know what I mean? Just right foot, left foot, repeat.

Back flipping is not the same as walking.

Uh, yeah, but equally as easy.

No, they are not!

Well, maybe not for you, but for most people, it is.

Uh, you guys?

Hey, what's up, Char? What's going on?

Maybe, since you guys don't know each other, you shouldn't be talking.

Ray and Kid Danger.

Yeah, dude, she's right.

Right. Scatter, scatter.

World's most poisonous cactus.

How do you know that? There's a sign that says it right there. World's most

poisonous cactus.

Don't bump into it.

Oh, well, someone should be guarding this thing. Yeah.

Hey, hey, be careful with that. That there's the world's most poisonous

There's only one in the whole world.

And we got it.

So, don't you think you should be guarding it?

I was on an ice cream break.

Isn't this place just open?

Yup. I got the first ice cream cone.

Oh, balloons!

Whoa, whoa!

Careful there.

Uh, here.

Why don't you play with this non -poisonous cactus?

Run along now.

That's nice to see.

Plus, you finally got away from that weird nurse.

I'm right here.

Hi. Sorry.

Don't be.

I'm weird.

I think this place has a basement.

I'm not sure.

If it does, I'll find it.

You must be Patina.

Nice to meet you for the first time ever.

Nice to meet you.

Dude, bro.

This suit is amazing. Thank you so much.

Anything for this guy.

So, why do you owe Jasper a favor? What did he do for you?

Uh, yeah, Jasper, why do I owe you a favor?

I don't know.

Ring toss on a cactus.

Will you go win me a prize?

What?

I thought you said the man cave computer was unhackable.

I thought it was, but someone did it. And now every computer in the man cave

the same message on the screen.

What's it say?

It just says game on over and over.

Game on?

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Uh, did you guys get the text?

Yeah. Hello, Swellview. I will pay one million dollars... To whomever can bring

me... The world's most poisonous cactus.

And purely RT.

Who's RT?

Randy Tinkle Muffin.

Who? Nah. It can't be Randy Ticklemuffin. He's in jail.

I don't even know what I thought of that.

Wait, is that really his name?

Yeah. What? Yeah, I think it's short for Randolph.

That's crazy.

Uh, guys?

Hmm?

I have a bigger problem.

You all want that million dollars some mystery person promised for that cactus.

I do not like the look of that angry mob.

There's a lot of cacti here, and if this bubble just breaks, I'm in real

trouble. In hindsight, bringing you to a cactus convention was a terrible idea.

I can't think who's going to protect me, though, right?

Thank you. This cactus is worth a lot of money. Now let's get it!

Uh -oh!

Daddy wants the big piece of chicken tonight.

Man, sure would be nice to have Captain Man here right about now.

I know, right? He's the best.

Then get through.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Now, let me Captain Mansplain to you how that works.

Stop all of it.

Dropped us during the fight.

Oh, uh, thanks, girl -I -don't -know.

We did it.

Yes, we did.

We saved the citizens of Swellview once again.

Backflip down.

Good job. Thanks. Hey, good work with that laser.

Thanks. I really enjoy zapping people.

And we save the world's most poisonous cactus is gone.

Game on.