Original subtitles

Thank you and welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm your host, Anthony

Jesselnik. We've got a crazy show for you tonight.

Eric Andre and T .J. Miller are here.

But first, everyone, please set your phones to block Amber Alert.

A high -powered New York advertising executive died after plummeting from a

-story balcony.

Police still aren't sure if it was a suicide or the opening sequence of Mad

Close call here.

Usher's five -year -old son was rushed to the hospital last week after nearly

drowning in the star's backyard pool.

Again.

Of course, the real question is why Usher even has a pool when you can just

swimming in his eyes.

TSA officials are concerned that terrorists may start using a liquid

that turns clothing into airplane bombs.

Or as Al Qaeda calls it, Project Runway.

Here's a cool one. Last week, Japan sent the world's first ever robot astronaut

to the International Space Station to provide company for humans in space.

Experts are calling it one small step for man, one giant opportunity for a guy

to get his dick stuck in a robot.

Last week, an emotional moment when Chelsea Handler cried on TV after she

out her grandfather fought for the Nazis in World War II.

But she lightened up when her midget came out dressed as Hitler.

Now, here's a tip. Here's a tip for you guys. A new study says that riding your

bike to work lowers the risk of diabetes.

So if you want to avoid diabetes, all you have to do is get two DUIs.

Now, I don't know what to think about this one. Scottish scientists have

designed a computer that tells sexist jokes.

Yeah. Yeah, they finally did it.

In response, feminists have vowed to destroy the mysterious talking numbers

that's mean to women.

And finally, MTV is shooting a new reality show about virgins.

In order to maintain the cast members' virginity, MTV will shoot it in their

mouths.

Now that was a great monologue.

Whether you notice it or not, you need it to live.

But no two people ever seem to wear it the same. So let's take a peek at some

similar looks to find out who wore it better.

First up, we've got Christina Aguilera or Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Stewart swung for the fashion fences and parked one in the style

section. While Christina Aguilera looks like a 10 -pound genie in a 5 -pound

bottle.

Up next, it doesn't get any easier.

Taylor Swift or Aborigine Mom.

Aborigine Mom swung for the fashion fences and parked one in the style

While Taylor Swift looks like she just took a blow dart in the bush.

Now let's look at 13 -pound baby or heat stroke frog mascot.

Heat stroke frog mascot swung for the fashion fences and parked one in the

section. While 13 -pound baby doesn't look like she's going to be much of a

jumper.

Moving on to bald George Bush Sr.

or Bat Boy.

Bat Boy swung for the fashion fences and parked one in the style section.

While bald George Bush Sr. doesn't look like he's going to get four more years

of anything.

Now, this is a tough one.

Ariel Castro or Love Alot Hairband?

Tie.

Next, we have Oprah Winfrey or Angry Lizard?

Angry Lizard swung for the fashion fences and parked one in the style

While Oprah Winfrey makes me want to throw up.

And finally, who wore it better?

Disgraced Yankee Alex Rodriguez or a steaming pile of s***?

A steaming pile of s*** swung for the fashion fences and parked

one in the style section.

While A -Rod looks like a steaming pile of s*** with a bad hip.

And that was who wore it better.

Welcome back.

I hear you're paneling, but you can't come panel. It's time for panel.

Please welcome from the Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim, it's the hilarious Eric

Andre.

And one of my greatest friends, a stand -up comedian who's always wanted to be

like me, it's T .J. Miller.

be able to jack off for weeks.

Panel,

panel, panel, let's do some panel.

Now, TJ, I turned down a role in your upcoming movie Search Party. How'd you

feel about that?

Well, it's tough, Anthony, because there's no one like you.

So I guess I don't think a movie can be as great because you weren't in it.

Hell, it's hard enough to be around you knowing that I'll never be the comedian

that you are. I've always...

I don't know if you agree with this, but I would love to just live a day in your

shoes. Be inside of me.

I wish I could look like you if you were dead in a river for three days.

And then you would regenerate.

You'd look like the guy from Halloween if you wore his skin on the outside of

the mask.

Good burn.

You look like T .J. Miller, only employable.

Now,

Eric. Yeah? I heard you're trying to sell a show to NBC right now. How's that

going? Yeah, I'm actually trying to pitch Celebrity to Catch a Predator.

We keep getting Roman Polanski over and over and over.

Why aren't you wearing a mask?

What am I supposed to say?

It looks like Vanilla Sky over here.

Look at this thing.

I'm on a ton of salvia right now. Let's get right into it with the best worst

thing of the week. If you lived here, you'd be molested by now.

A Christian pastor has founded a small Florida community called Miracle

where more than half the residents are registered sex offenders.

Yeah, they all get along pretty well until Christmas, when there's a huge

over who gets to be mall Santa.

You know, I hear it's very peaceful, except it's hard to hear with all the

sounds of the ice cream delivery trucks going around.

You see, they're all pedophiles, Anthony.

Listen to me, I'm you from the future! Do you understand?

I've come here to tell you!

You have to kill yourself immediately!

No! What the f*** are you talking about? I don't know! No, because he kills

himself and I won't exist.

Yeah, no, don't kill yourself.

I'm excited, PJ. The future looks bright.

That's what happens when you keep drinking and gelling your hair upwards.

Eric, what do you think about Miracle Village? Man, if I was a horny gay eight

-year -old who was into older men, that place would be a f***ing miracle.

Am I right?

Yeah. Oh, it's a hole.

great. You know, they got a gym, a pool, but all anyone seems to care about is

the Wi -Fi.

I bet the podcast... I don't understand that. Oh, they use a chat roulette to

jack off to real guests.

I got a feeling there's a lot of things you're not going to get tonight, TJ.

Don't worry about it. I can hardly hear a goddamn thing that's going on.

I think it's kind of weird. I don't think all sex offenders should live in

same town. I think they should live in a deep, dark cave on top of a mountain

next to an amusement park.

Moving on.

Up next is not buying it.

Hamburger. A hamburger made from cow meat grown from stem cells was cooked

eaten in a demonstration last week. Though tasters complained it was dry and

lacking flavor.

Grown at the hamburger?

Kids are getting molested, man.

Pedophiles are showing up to petting zoos with the bottom half of mascot

on.

Hey, uh, if I want to... If I wanted a taste of doctor's meat, I'd suck Sanjay

Gupta's dick. Am I right? Up top. Bring Sanjay out here.

Where is he?

I'll swallow.

Yeah. I'll let him finish inside of me. I don't give a... TJ, try to get a joke

out.

All right, I'll try and do one like you. Okay.

So, I was having one of these hamburgers as I was violating a woman who was

asleep.

As soon as I finished, or a little bit after, she woke up and she said,

are you raping me?

And I said, no, I was done like 15 minutes ago.

Don't judge a panel until you've paneled a panel in a man's panel.

We'll be right back with more panels.

Welcome back.

P is for panel. That's panel enough for me. It's more panel.

Let's move on to culture clubbing. Ku Klux Kegger, a student at Georgia State

University, has come under fire for starting a club called the White

Union, which celebrates white and European culture.

God, if these kids wanted to be around white people all the time, why didn't

they just get into a better college?

Whoa, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck?

Man. Where'd you go to college?

I went to DeVry, got my degree in six weeks.

Hit the road.

I think like the Ku Klux Klan, I've been wearing a mask this whole time,

Anthony. You've been wearing a mask this whole time?

TJ! It's been me the whole time!

I figured you were dead, you old son of a bitch.

Hey, TJ.

What? Try to focus up and talk about the goddamn white students union.

You know, I personally, I feel for this guy. I tried to start a polyamorous,

Haitian, Jewish, libertarian, socialist, anarchist, atheist students union when

I was in college, and we had a tough time getting our numbers up. I believe

I memorized that over and over again.

I feel like if they nailed it, everybody.

I would fight

anyone in this audience and lose, guaranteed.

You are not allowed to stand up again.

I feel like part of being white is not belonging to a club, you know?

Well, the weird thing is they don't have a clubhouse yet. Until they get their

own building on campus, they all meet once a week at a Josh Groban concert.

Yeah, I thought there were already clubs for white people. I thought it was

called Bonnaroo.

Yeah. This whole thing seems weird to me. I mean, how do you even celebrate

white and European culture, you know? Clapping on downbeats?

Yeah, right?

It's harder to do this one.

Alpha. Cigar.

Omega. Kappa.

Dapper. I felt a thigh.

What? Wait, what?

What was the last one? I bet you're like, oh, Agatha.

I felt a thigh. Alpha, beta, kappa. I felt a thigh, dude.

420. Smoke weed with your dick roll.

840. That's two times 420, bro.

Oh, my God. Moving on.

And now on to From a Distance.

Ooh -ee -oo -ah -ah. High demand from witch doctors has led to a booming black

market for severed human penises in the African nation of Malawi.

This is why whenever I travel to Africa, I make sure to keep my penis in the

hotel safe.

Did that guy just get his dick snipped off or nothing?

Or I think he was... You want a picture for what?

It's a weird thing, you know, to sell penises. First of all, that's why

unemployment rate is so high. Even when they're doing business, they're just all

standing around with their dick in their hands.

Boom!

But I'll tell you this, you know, it's tough for me to imagine trying to sell

male genitalia on the street. I mean, how do you do that? What are you like,

hey?

God, man.

What do you have?

Long, hot dicks here.

Hey, cheap, fresh dicks.

You got a long one?

Is that what your dick looks like?

No, it's a little bit. The diameter's about twice the length of my actual

Who wants to see T .J. Miller's penis right now? I think you owe it to us.

I mean, you're looking at it right now.

I'll tell you, on the black market, this will fetch $15.

If you don't want those, I got a... Oh, no.

No, TJ.

No. I'm ready for it, brother. I'm ready for it.

Let's do it, man.

Let's do it, TJ.

I swore I'd never do another bris.

and wish you more babies. It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it, now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

TJ, on August 4th, you tweeted, if I had three wishes, two of them would be to

be exactly like Anthony Jeselnik, then the third one would be that also.

TJ Miller, defend your tweet.

Anthony, I've been sent from the future.

God gave you cancer.

Thanks,

Six Flags. Now sit down.

That was a good defense.

Good defense.

Eric, on to you.

We're probably going to get sued.

Hey, if anybody wants a hamburger made completely out of severed

Malawi black market dick, I've got it.

Eric, on March 28, you tweeted, whenever a girl tells me they're in a long

distance relationship, I say, oh, that's cool. I'm single, too.

Eric, defend your tweet.

your boyfriend lives across the street or closer, we are having a naked slumber

party tonight!

Who's coming with me?

Who's single?

Let's go!

Well, thank you guys so much for being here tonight, both of you, in your own

way. Catch season two of The Eric Andre Show, premiering October 3rd on Adult

Swim, and check out TJ's stand -up tour dates on TJMillerDoesNotHaveAWebsite

.com. We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to TJ Miller and Eric

Andre. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

Also, check out AnthonyJeslin .com to get tickets to my new fall tour. We'll

you next week. But before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments

tonight's show.

You guys have been so annoying all night.

So now it's time to play Get It Out of Your System. So guys, get it out of your

system.

Now it's time to play America's favorite game.

Who made that dog look like that actor who once

guest starred on Family Ties but then later retreated

from society due to mental illness?

Now let's meet our contestants.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

You've really done it, Anthony. I mean, look at you. You're being irreverent in

a way that hasn't really been treaded upon.

You're crossing boundaries in a real way.

You're having whatever ethnicity Eric is on.