Original subtitles

Jesselnik Offensive, I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How you kids doing tonight?

Wunderbar, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we've

Kumail Nanjiani and David Koechner here.

The bad news is everything else.

Now this just makes me mad. In a recent interview, actress Ellen Page said that

sexism in Hollywood is constant.

Of course, Ellen is best known as the star of Juno, where she played that

chick with no tits.

Now this, this is fascinating.

A centuries -old skull found in Australia may be from the first white

ever land on the continent.

Scientists don't know what killed him yet, but it was a black guy.

Damn it, Jim, a hospital in New York is in trouble after doctors began

harvesting a dead woman's organs.

only to have her open her eyes during the operation.

Doctors realized they made a mistake when her nose turned red and she made a

loud buzzing noise.

Wow.

God.

I understand laughing at that joke, but you guys have got to be old to clap for

it, too.

Roll Tide. A female kindergarten teacher in Alabama has been charged with incest

and the rape of an underaged boy.

Or as they call it in Alabama, prom.

Here's one. There have been reports that survivors of the recent San Francisco

plane crash actually stopped to grab their carry -on luggage before exiting

burning plane.

Also, some people slid down the emergency slide more than once.

Christy Harris, a woman who was caught earlier this year with a gun in her

vagina and meth in her butt.

has been sentenced to 25 years in prison.

Unfortunately, Harris couldn't be reached for comment because she was too

packing.

Fun fact, a new study shows that children start having sex at a younger

their parents are divorced.

Or to put it another way, scientists have discovered stepdads.

And finally, actress Virginia Madsen.

has been named the new spokesperson for a campaign to raise awareness of

dyspareunia, a condition that causes painful intercourse. She replaces former

spokesperson Nathan Lane.

That was a great monologue.

In New

York, Satanists have launched a crowdsourcing campaign.

to raise money so they can adopt a state highway.

Because there's nothing more evil than emailing your friends to donate to your

Kickstarter.

Now, religious people fascinate me, which brings me to a new segment called

Where's Your God Now?

Where I learn a little bit about religion and even more about myself.

This week we kept it light with Satanism.

I love these guys. Bow down.

Did that scare you?

A little bit.

Zach, you're listed as one of the top three Satanists in the country.

Who ranks Satanists?

Is it BuzzFeed?

You know, a lot of it depends on Google and your exposure.

What is the difference between a Church of Satan member and a libertarian

atheist magician?

The Church of Satan has a fancy membership red card that they send you

pay the $200 membership fee.

That's the only difference?

Actually, I'll give you a great deal. $100 is my PayPal.

What if I don't believe in PayPal?

Oh, well, I do accept money orders.

Money orders?

Yes.

Why is your religion not thriving?

So what is a Satanist? A Satanist is pretty much an atheist, but is more

adversarial, and we deeply despise organized religion.

Would you say that religious people are dumb?

Yes. Would you say it right now?

Religious people are dumb.

All right, let's say it at the same time.

One. Two.

Religious people are dumb.

One of the beliefs of the Church of Satan is to treat guests cruelly and

mercy. Do you work at a Holiday Inn Express?

Well, currently I am a sushi chef.

Really? Yes.

Jesus.

This is the album that your founder, Anton LaVey, put out in 1994.

Ironically, Pitchfork only gave it a four.

I'm surprised.

I mean, the music is very unique. It's very carnival style.

Unique carnival style.

I'm surprised they didn't do better.

Do you think that more people would accept the Church of Satan if the

didn't look like Vincent Price after chemo?

I think that's part of the appeal is his diabolical look.

Because right here he looks like a French Bruce Willis.

A little bit.

He kind of looks like everyone in the world's landlord combined.

You know, after everything I've learned today, I'm actually really excited to go

do stand -up for a group of Satanists. Because I can just be myself. I don't

have to change anything or do any stupid gimmicks. It's just me up there.

Behold, it is I.

Me!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

When I first heard I was doing stand -up for Satanists, I thought you guys would

be more like goths. But you're not at all. You know, goths get their shit

together after high school.

What do Satanism and Red Lobster have in common?

Black masses.

I'm serious. Obviously, you guys are into black magic because looking around,

you've completely made all the black people disappear.

You know, I honestly believe that every one of us is born a Satanist.

Covered in blood with no friends.

Thank you so much, everybody. You've been a great, loosely affiliated

organization of like -minded individuals.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Hail Satan!

We'll be right back with Kumail Nanjiani and David Koechner.

Welcome back, kids. I was watching TV last week, and I caught a devastating

documentary about natural disasters.

Now, I don't care what your views on climate change might be, but you've got

be worried about Sharknadoes.

Sharks.

Tornado.

Sharknado.

Where do they come from, your nightmares?

Where are they going? To your motherf***ing funeral.

Oh, you think it's a joke?

Well, is this funny?

April 19th, 1995.

Sharknado tears through a federal building, what will forever be known as

Sharklahoma City Bomber.

Why that building?

What about Timothy McVeigh? Is he a shark? Shut up. Those questions were all

rhetorical.

Next, April 15, 2013, Boston Marathon.

All anyone remembers are the bombs.

or should I say, the decoy bombs, set off so that no one would notice the

that day.

But let's never forget the biggest Sharknado of them all, Shark 11.

But Anthony, don't you mean 9 -11?

No, I do not.

You're thinking of the George Clooney movie, Ocean's Eleven.

I'm talking about Shark 11, when two airplanes brought down the Twin Towers.

No witnesses reported seeing a Sharknado that day. But that's because Sharknado

was flying the goddamn plane.

So remember, if you shark something, say something.

And now, panel, panel, bo -panel, banana -fana, faux -panel, it's time for

panel.

Franklin and Bash, and his one -hour special Beta Male, premiering Saturday,

July 20th at midnight on Comedy Central. It's Kumail Nanjiani.

And from Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy, and NBC's The Office, it's

Koechner.

Now, Kumail, I haven't seen you since our season one finale.

What have you been up to lately?

I got a new tooth.

It hurt for years, and then one day it just stopped hurting.

Which I think is like when you check engine light in the car, it just goes

you know? It's like, you know what? Don't worry about it anymore.

Yeah, I think I probably see dentists more than you, because I'm not from a

third world country.

That's racist, but also accurate.

Yeah. Just like racism.

Now, David, you're a father with five children.

How do you handle the sensitive questions the curious kids ask?

It comes up, right?

Kids will see another kid that looks different.

They'll say, Dad, why did God make that child that way? And I'll say, because

God didn't like that kid.

And then my kids will say, Daddy, why did God make me this way? And I'll say,

because God is angry with me.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

I'd love to see you, Dad, but I'm a little tied up.

Alleged kidnapper and confirmed bus driver Ariel Castro has been denied

permission to visit the six -year -old daughter he fathered with one of his

victims. Once again, the court side with the mother.

I love that the judge said it would be inappropriate because I guess he was

gunning for the understatement of the century.

You know what I'd like to do, Anthony? What's that, David?

Did people call you Anthony, or did you have a favorite nickname growing up as a

child? Mr.

Jesselnik. Mr. Jesselnik.

No one ever called you Ernie?

No, none of my friends had a stroke.

I just want to call you Ernie.

Ernie. Am I doing it right?

Let's get the show back on the rails.

David, you and Ariel Castro.

Locked in the telephone booth.

You've got a leaf blower and a dreidel. What do you do?

I put the dreidel in the leaf blower. Okay.

Is it gas powered or electric?

Electric. I plug the leaf blower in.

And then I shove it up Ariel Castro's ass and turn it on.

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.

You know, I heard he was really happy with the ruling because if you remember

correctly to him, no means yes.

For ten years.

All right, David, back to you. You and Ariel Castro, you're in an airport

smoking lounge. You've got an ant farm and a paper lantern.

Go.

I would find a match, light the paper lantern on fire, put it under his seat,

and put the ant farm up his ass.

The whole ant farm.

The whole ant farm.

Now it's time for Dating Bloopers.

We look at the lighter side of dating shenanigans.

He's back in the saddle again. A man in Houston has been caught having sex with

the same horse twice in three months.

He was arrested for theft, possession, and having sex with the horse, or as we

call it, the Jessel McOffensive Triple Crown.

They say they caught it on surveillance tape. It was like a photo finish.

This guy needs to learn that nay means nay.

I think to charge this man with animal cruelty, they have to prove that he hurt

the horse, which he did by never calling.

He's got the look of a guy who just got caught shitting on a horse.

All right, guys, let's do some role play right now, okay?

Obviously, these two love each other very much.

It's time to take things to the next level. Kumail, you're the suitor.

Ask... Farmer Dave here for his horse's hoof in marriage.

Okay. You know that one horse you have?

Uh -huh. The mare?

Yep. I'm going to put her in a very stable relationship.

She won't have to saddle for less once she's with me.

And don't worry about wedding costs. I'll pony up the dough.

I like horses.

I've got a panel that lives on a hill. She won't do it, but her panel will.

We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back.

Panel, panel. He's our panel. If he can't panel, no one panel.

It's more panel.

Up next is for the ladies. We look down through the glass ceiling at stories for

women. Strong enough for a man, but made to kill a woman.

The federal government says overdose deaths from prescription painkillers

risen sharply in women, with a 400 % increase since 1999.

Clearly, this is a strong indicator of how fulfilling it is to be a mother.

Now, this story is crazy to me, guys. I mean, how are women affording all these

prescription drugs with what we're paying them?

They're stealing from their husbands.

You know what I'd like to do? What would you like to do, David?

I'd like to get all those women that are overdosing to a hotline and then get

all their painkillers and then visit Ariel Castro.

Sure.

And take the pills and then... Push them into his urethra.

Drug companies aren't going to turn down a growth opportunity like this. How can

they better market painkillers to women? Like rebrand overdosing as Plan C?

You can have an animated cartoon of a woman coming to a crossroads.

One road leads to a quiet death.

The other road you turn into your mother.

That sounds great.

Now, here's my thought, is why aren't the number of overdose deaths for men

going up, too?

You know, because men have to work all day, and women can just lounge around

house overdosing.

I think it's because it's not messy enough. Like, if I die, I want my wife

have some cleanup to do, you know?

Also, why would you want to take pills when you could spend the last few hours

of your life playing with a gun, you know?

Let's move on to not buying it. We make fun of a product that's new and

unfamiliar to us.

Dough from the Simpsons.

A new pastry called a cronut, half donut, half croissant, has got people

crazy. For months, New Yorkers have been lining up around the block to get them,

and one guy is selling them for oral sex on Craigslist. And from what I hear,

this craze is just sweeping the country. In fact, some people will do almost

anything for a blowjob.

Seems like a fair trade, you know? One guy gets a tasty cream -filled treat,

other one gets a cronut.

Is it possible for people to have a sweet tooth and a salty tooth?

I'm just happy because I think this might finally get Americans excited

dessert.

I thought that's what a job was.

Dessert? Is that why you're always blowing waiters?

Here's your tip.

Yeah, I can't believe a guy literally was selling these on Craigslist for sex.

And obviously, Craigslist is just like a black market for creeps.

I'm going to give you guys some stuff that was offered up on Craigslist for

real. These are real Craigslist ads.

You tell me what they wanted in return, all right?

David, this guy is offering up free gasoline, but what did he want for it? I

don't peruse Craigslist. A Beano?

Beano?

The pills people take not to fart so much?

He was asking for sex.

Oh. Yeah.

Which is a great deal when you think about the price of a gallon of sex.

Kumail. This guy wants a woman to sit in a bathtub full of noodles while he's at

work. He will come home after she's gone and eat the pasta.

How much was he offering? I think $3 ,000, but that would be a steal.

$3 ,000?

He was offering one.

One dollar.

I have no respect for him.

And now it's time to wrap your baby in a blanket and give it to the White

Walkers. It's Defending Your Sweet.

You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

David, on January 24th, you tweeted, I have lip synced every conversation I

ever had. I am so sorry to those of you who will never know my real voice. It's

just, I'm nervous.

David, defend your tweet.

Anthony, I will tell you, you still have not heard my real voice.

What does it sound like?

It's so awful that I'm too embarrassed.

That's what it sounds like.

Kumail, on July 5th, you tweeted, the only time I have a cavity in my mouth is

when I'm tossing salad.

Hashtag combo dental and sex brag.

To mail.

Defend your tweet.

As soon as I tweeted it, I flashed forward to me having to f***ing defend

I knew that. Okay. I was with my wife. Okay.

Not like that. Take your time. Whatever you need.

I was just trying to be shocking to see if I could get my own Comedy Central

show.

And did it work? Or do you have to share it with Jonah Ray?

Coming in January.

Thank you guys both so much for being here tonight.

See Kumail's hour special, Beta Male, premiering Saturday, July 20th at

on Comedy Central and available in stores July 23rd. And see David in

2, The Legend Continues, coming soon. And check out his YouTube channel, Full

Kekner. We'll be right back with more show.

to Kumail Nanjiani and David Koechner. And check this out.

Extension Honolulu by Jack Handy in stores now. It's hilarious, and not only

Jack Handy my comedy idol, he's also dumb enough to let me advertise for him.

Also, new tour dates added to anthonyjustly .com. Check the site for

info and see if I'm coming to your town.

We'll see you next week. Before I go, let's take a look back at the best

from tonight's show.

Janet.

Would you make me the happiest man in the world?

Oh, Andy.

Yes. Great.

So you'll get the abortion?

Yes!

Okay, guys, it's really simple. Just repeat after me. Nan.

Nan. Ji.

Ji. Ani. Ani. My full name is... M. Night Shyamalan.

Good night, kids.

Go read a book.

Is there anything that isn't allowed in Satanism?

We don't sacrifice animals or babies.

Could you though?

Sure you could.

What if it was more of like a kind of casual sacrifice?

If you just hit it with like a dictionary?