Original subtitles

Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids

doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight. Abby Elliott and

Holmes are here.

But first, if bad news were money, I'd be rolling in it.

What's shaken, Michael J. Fox has released his very own cupcake in honor

Parkinson's Awareness Month.

The bakery that made them said he was very hands -on.

but they still turned out okay.

Who cut one?

Authorities have revealed that Dylan Quick, the student who stabbed 14 people

a Texas college last week, is deaf.

Turns out he was just asking for directions to the library and forgot he

holding a knife.

Can't beat this one. Last week, it was reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown

broken up after he was spotted holding a waitress's hand at a bar.

Chris Brown denied that there was anything romantic about the gesture. He

just trying to break her hand.

Now let's get into this one. A father and son were found shot dead in a Utah

national park last week. Police are trying to determine if it was a double

suicide or a murder -suicide, which means this is the first time a family

ever hoped for a double suicide.

Make me feel good. Halle Berry has announced she's pregnant with her second

child at the ripe old age of 46.

To prepare, today Halle bought herself the best -selling book, What to Expect

When You're Expecting Your Baby to Have Down Syndrome.

Irresponsible, yeah.

Wish You Were Here, the body of a 21 -year -old woman, was found in the Grand

Canyon last week after she'd been missing since January.

The body was hard to spot since it blended in with its surroundings. I

was beautiful.

Now, I don't know what to think about this one. Police in Toronto are looking

for four obese women who raped a 19 -year -old boy after promising to drive

home.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for Justin Bieber.

Now, can I get an amen?

Amen! The 27 -year -old son of megachurch pastor Rick Warren committed

by shooting himself in the head last week.

Suicide is a sin, but all the religious instruction this guy received went in

one ear and right out the other.

Land ho after recent troubles. The Carnival Cruise Line is offering rates

as $38 a night for a Caribbean vacation.

That includes travel, lodging, and all you can eat of your own.

And finally, this is scary.

Spice Girl Mel B was booed by the crowd while acting as a judge on America's Got

Talent because she criticized a comedian who made a black joke.

The crowd thought Mel B was being hypocritical since she herself is a

joke.

That was a great monologue.

Anthony! Anthony!

Anthony! Anthony!

Anthony!

Fashion,

you can't get away from it. It's everywhere.

But no two people ever seem to wear it the same. Let's take a peek at some

similar looks to find out who wore it better.

First up, we've got Nicole Kidman or Rachel McAdams.

Rachel McAdams has that red carpet razzmatazz, while Nicole Kidman looks

she got run over by a frump truck.

Up next, it doesn't get any easier.

Willem Dafoe or Baraka from Mortal Kombat?

Baraka has that red carpet razzmatazz.

While Willem Dafoe looks like his finishing move is cocaine.

Now let's look at aborted fetus or complimentary Ritz -Carlton paperweight.

Aborted fetus has that red carpet razzmatazz.

While complimentary paperweight says, hey, thanks for being a great mom.

Now this is a tough one.

Eight limbs, baby?

Or potato left in the kitchen too long?

Eight Limbs Baby has that red carpet razzmatazz.

While the potato doesn't even have one leg to stand on.

Moving on to Face Transplant Guy.

Or Zoot from Dr.

Teeth and the Electric Man.

Transplant Guy has that red carpet razzmatazz.

While Zoot looks like he forgot to put on his face that day.

And finally, who wore it better?

Bubbles from Finding Nemo?

Or Adam Lanza from his college ID?

Bubbles has that red carpet razzmatazz. Well, Adam Lanza looks like he's

shooting blanks in fashion school.

And that was Who Wore Better?

We'll be right back.

More than four panels. Call your panel. It's time for panel.

Please welcome from SNL and How I Met Your Mother, it's Abby Elliott.

And he's the regular on Conan and host of the popular You Made It Weird

it's Pete Holmes.

Thanks for being here, guys. Abby, I'm going on tour soon. Are you available to

house sit for me?

No, I am actually currently house sitting for Zachary Quinto.

Zachary Quinto?

Yeah. Who's that?

He's from Star Trek.

Star Trek?

Yeah. Who's that?

He's related to Star Wars.

Now, Pete, you once wrote a joke for me. Uh -huh.

And I refuse to do it.

I honestly don't know why you won't do it. It's perfect for you.

Can I tell it? Yeah, please. Give it a home?

I was in a mall.

And I saw a t -shirt that said, I didn't ask to be born Mexican. God just likes

me more.

I said, I love it.

And asked them if it was available in white.

Ready to go, Jesselnik. See?

That one's ready to go.

Now, here's why I would never tell that joke.

I would never say, I like that t -shirt.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Don't rape me, bro.

Engineering students in India have designed anti -rape lingerie that will

potential attackers with 3 ,800 volts of electricity.

So it's official.

Romance is dead.

That has to be an awkward item to remove at airport security.

Yeah, no, I am not buying that at all. You know that the iRape 2 is going to

come out in like six months.

Can I speak to the Mormons for a second? Hey, Mormons.

Look, a pair of magical underwear that actually does something.

This is a really great product. You know, how it protects a woman is it

shocking her until she leaves India.

I know you said leaves India, but it sounds like leans into you.

Which is horrible.

True, no one would ever want to lean into you.

I've had sex!

Take that, high school and college!

Although, Anthony, this is underwear that shocks the potential rapist. Is

why your hair is sticking up?

That's good.

That's good.

I can be mean!

The thing about this that's good is that if this malfunctions, there is an

Indian guy there for tech support.

Now, guys, what are some other rape prevention accessories you can wear?

Well... Talk about new girl forever.

Yeah. That's a rape, anti -rape. Yeah. Yeah. Have an even hotter friend who

hangs out with you.

Oh, yeah. You know what I would wear is a T -shirt that says, ask me about my

raging syphilis.

That reminds me, Pete, how is your raging syphilis?

Up next is the worst best thing of the week. There are a lot of positive

out there, and this was by far the worst one.

Black tie inside, white hood outside.

A high school in Georgia has announced plans to hold its first integrated prom

in 30 years.

Yeah. It was decided after a vote in which women were not allowed to vote.

Another example of inequality being stopped with the power of damp.

Yeah. I'm just excited they finally have an integrated lesbian prom to attend.

It's not fair. Black people get to do everything.

I mean, I never got to go to a Georgia prom.

Ever. Or be president, or be Beyonce.

You know who I feel bad for is the one kid who is blaming not having a date to

the prom on his imaginary black girlfriend.

She's busy, guys!

Now, is there any way to throw an integrated prom that will satisfy the

racists, too? You know?

Like, maybe all the chaperones could have fire hoses?

I feel like give them Oxycontin and play some Kid Rock and they'll be good.

Or just have it a place they'll never hear about it, like the library.

Political.

What are you guys, racists? You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Give them a chance.

They read a lot of hate literature.

I can't wait to hear about their first openly gay prom from my condo on the

moon.

It's in the future.

All right, guys, we've been making a lot of jokes about this stuff, but I want

to know how open -minded you guys were in high school. So before the show, we

asked you both the same question, had you write your answers down on a card,

right? Now, Pete, I want you to guess how many black friends Abby had her

year of high school.

Well, I would have to say you seem pretty progressive.

You have a welcoming vibe.

You made that black people get to do everything joke earlier.

I'm going to say you had three sassy black friends.

One of them is gay.

And he moonwalked everywhere.

Please edit that out.

No.

That is staying in for sure.

Abby, how do you do? Hold up your sign.

Um, okay.

Five. Five black friends.

How many black friends did Pete have? I cannot... Keep in mind, black people

hate Pete's comedy. Yeah.

I can't see... Yeah, I can't see that.

One?

One. That is offensive.

Zero!

Wow.

I had... It was high school. I had three friends. Okay, cool.

A Puerto Rican, a Spaniard, and a Jew.

They wouldn't let me have a black one. Yeah, maybe because you referred to them

as a Puerto Rican, a Spaniard, and a Jew.

That was their idea!

How about you? How many black friends did you have in high school?

There was an old lady who lived in a panel. She had so many panels, she

know what's a panel. We'll be right back with more panels.

Welcome back. Just when you thought it was panel to go back in the panel, we've

got more panel. It's more panel.

And now for our segment, culture clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

china shop of human intellectual achievement, where sometimes we just

football. According to new reports, not one but four NFL players are currently

considering coming out of the closet as gay.

This is... This is horrifying stuff, you guys.

I like to think they're not just going to come out of the closet, but they're

going to run out of the closet through a huge tearaway banner.

I know, I just think there's nothing worse than having some guy check out

junk in the locker room. You know, I mean, what is this? Every gym in

Please, please, Anthony, tell me they're on the Bears.

I would say probably the Packers.

Here's a hint as to which four it was. It was the four guys who fainted during

Beyonce's halftime show.

Yeah, four guys. It's so Sex and the City of them.

Get ready for smaller, more tasteful Super Bowl rings.

Gay football players?

What's next?

Gay priest?

I mean... Can I just say that a gay man...

can ruin his knees and suffer long -term brain loss just as well as a straight

man?

Is it worth doing that one again?

I'm going to say no.

Do it again.

Do it again right now.

Do it again. We're going to leave it in twice.

You know, Anthony, I'm just going to go out on a limb and say a straight man can

suffer long -term brain damage just as well as a gay man. I said it the wrong

way.

I'll give you one more chance, Pete. This is your Jesus moment. Knock it down

third try.

You know, Anthony, I'm just saying a gay man can

incur permanent knee damage for a fleeting game and long -term brain

due to flimsy, ineffective helmets, albeit them colorful, just

as well as a heterosexual male.

One more time, I blinked, I think.

Gay people and straights are the same. They play a game called football, and

sometimes you hurt your head.

What do you guys think are some signs that an NFL player could be gay?

You know, like, all their tackling dummies look like the mentalist.

Their end zone dance is a sophisticated foxtrot.

They call Terry Bradshaw Tarrant.

If they are Tim Tebow.

If they are Tim Tebow, yes, yes.

That's a fact.

If they win the Super Bowl, instead of yelling, I'm going to Disney World, they

yell, I'm going to a tropical island where they don't allow photographs.

If they have gay sex.

That's a dead giveaway.

That's a dead giveaway.

Up next is for the ladies. If we look down through the glass ceiling, it's

stories for women.

Maybe she's a slut, maybe it's Maybelline. Some women's groups are

stand against nail polish names like Sparkly Tramp because it disempowers

Abby, you're a woman. So Pete, do you think these names are sexy?

Anthony, I told you I wear f*** drunk slut in confidence!

I don't think so. I think women are lucky that they even get nail polish.

I have to wear a black magic marker while I listen to The Cure.

I don't think the goths would accept you, Pete.

You son of a bitch. That would be the meanest thing I've ever said to anyone.

Yeah, I think it's obvious, though, that all these makeup companies are run by

men. Because some of these names are really smart and creative.

I need my nail polish to call me a party slut, okay? That's what my boyfriend is

for. I'm just kidding. I don't have a boyfriend.

Oh, good. Because I'm a party slut.

All right.

I think they should have fun, sassy names like party slut. Nobody wants a

polish called Janet Reno paying her taxes on her.

No one would ever buy that.

No, I don't want to see that.

while I'm walking into Duane Reade buying my Plan B and my jumbo

vaginal condom.

Hey, Anthony, you know what a slutty girl's underwear and a slutty girl's

polish have in common?

You've never seen either one?

They both come

off with alcohol.

Let your baby take its last steps. It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it, so I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of all

these people.

Abby, let's start with you. On July 4th, you tweeted, proud to be an American

girl, celebrating today by getting spray tanned, blonde highlights, and smoking

weed out of my civic.

Abby, defend your tweet.

that this was taken out of context because I was smoking weed in a lot of

places, too. Oh.

No, I just can't say that.

Good. That's good.

I'm going to allow that as a defense of your tweet, but I don't think you know

what out of context means.

Now, Pete, on February 14th, this is a Valentine's Day tweet, so you know it's

going to be extra sad.

You tweeted, I don't get it, you guys.

Foodies just want to eat chill new food with me, but this bookie hates reading

and wants to break my legs.

Pete Holmes, defend your tweet.

You know, Anthony, I don't think you're going to believe this, but I actually am

a bookie.

So I flipped it and kind of wrote from the perspective of the guy whose legs I

break.

You know, I'm a good bookie. Nobody suspects the guy that looks like lesbian

Kilmer.

It makes sense.

It makes sense that you're a bookie, because I was wondering this whole time

you could possibly make your living.

But thank you guys both for being here tonight.

Be sure to check out Pete's hour special, Nice Try, The Devil, premiering

12th on Comedy Central. And see Abby on an upcoming episode of Inside Amy

Schumer, which premieres Tuesday, April 30th on Comedy Central.

We'll be right back with more stuff.

Thanks again to Abby Elliott and Pete Holmes. Also get tickets to my new

tour at AnthonyJeselnik .com and follow me on Twitter at AnthonyJeselnik and at

the show blog at cc .com slash Jeselnik. We'll see you next week. Before I go,

let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Too loud.

Too loud.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

Hey, Jenny.

Yeah, Anthony?

What happens in the delivery room when a pregnant teen has been shooting heroin?

I don't know, Anthony. What does happen?

Nothing. The baby's stillborn.