Original subtitles

Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing

Fantastic. We have got, I can't believe this, another perfect show for you

tonight. Natasha Leggero and Jason Manzoukas are here.

But first, bad news is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Aw, snap.

Louisville basketball player Kevin Ware snapped his shinbone during a game last

week. Which means he actually might get his communications degree.

You might be a redneck. Shane Gandy, one of the stars of the MTV show Buckwild,

was found dead this week in West Virginia.

Gandy apparently died after leaving a bar with his uncle at 3 a .m. to go four

-wheeling in the woods, or as it's known in West Virginia, natural causes.

My, what big eyes you have at an airport recently.

Actress Amanda Seyfried.

was mistaken for Lindsay Lohan. But Amanda's nice. She patiently explained

the person, no, honey, you're Lindsay Lohan.

The best part of waking up two 13 -year -old students in Virginia are facing

felony charges after they tried to slowly poison their math teacher by

hand sanitizer in her coffee.

So let that be a lesson to you. You can poison people by adding hand sanitizer

to their coffee.

Drop it. After an 11 -year -old boy had his finger bitten off by the family dog,

the boy's father shot the dog and cut it open to retrieve the finger, but

doctors couldn't reattach it. Since then, the father's been standing outside

boy's hospital room trying to think of some good news.

And finally, hey, I'm waddling here. A new study shows that overweight

pedestrians suffer less severe injuries when they're hit by cars.

Great news for the one overweight guy who walks everywhere.

That was a great monologue.

Everyone

loves

the audience games we play here on the Jeselnik Offensive, like Black Named

Spelling Bee and Which Kind of Asian Is This? One question we keep getting,

though, is... Could you guys possibly be any more racist?

Well, for once, your sarcastic prayers have been answered.

We've got the most racist game of all, with a little help from our friends at

Google. It's called Search and Destroy.

Here's how it works. I'll give you the beginning of a search term, and you give

me the autocomplete racist result.

Sounds complicated?

It's not.

You're just dumb.

Let's see what our contestants will be playing for tonight.

What an amazing opportunity.

Now let's have our first contestant come on up here.

How's it going?

Thanks for playing.

What's your name?

Josh. Josh? What do you do, Josh? I'm executive for a retail company.

You seem more like a wholesale guy to me.

What kind of, like clothes?

Like apparel. Like apparel. Yeah. You mean clothes.

Yeah.

Are you wearing your apparel now? No.

No. No. You sound passionate.

All right, Josh.

When users Google black people smell like, the top three most common searches

are sour milk, poop, and cocoa butter.

But Josh, what is the fourth most common search result?

What do black people smell like?

Cotton. Cotton?

just took racism to the third dimension.

I'm sorry. The answer we're looking for is crayons.

Black people smell like crayons.

And keep in mind, I didn't come up with these answers.

I just agree with them.

Thanks for playing, Josh.

Appreciate it. Thank you. Let's have our next contestant come on up here.

That's hell.

All right.

Finally.

Now, what is your name? Laniece J.

Laniece J?

Yes. Okay, I'll take your word for it.

Laniece, what do you do?

I'm a dancer. You're a dancer?

Yes, not exotic.

Not exotic. So your parents are proud of you? Yes. Okay.

You know what? This is not an insult, but you could be an exotic dancer.

I could be an exotic dancer.

Hell yeah.

Oh.

But, oh, I hope my mom is not watching this.

Your mom's not watching shit.

All right, Laniece.

When people Google white people smell like, the top three most common searches

are ham, dog, wet potato chips.

And what is the fourth most common thing white people smell like? Money.

Money? That's a good guess.

I'm sorry, we were looking for white people smell like wet chicken.

Yeah.

Let's get you out of here. You must be hungry, but thanks for playing.

Let's have our next contestant come on up.

What's up?

Coming up, you're a street fighter. How you doing?

Doing good.

What's your name?

David. David. What do you do, David?

I'm going to school full -time to become a homicide detective.

A homicide detective?

Is that why you're here tonight? Because I'm f***ing killing it?

Okay.

Now, David, you must spend all of your time in front of a computer.

So if you were to Google Mexican people smell, the top two answers are like

fabric softeners or the same.

But what's the third way that Mexican people smell?

My lawn. My lawn!

we were looking for was Mexican people smell bad.

Bad. I bet that's the first question you've ever gotten wrong. Thank you for

playing.

Thanks to all of our racist contestants.

And for all you bigots at home, happy Googling. We'll be right back with

Leggero and Jason Mandzuka.

Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive, kids.

It's a random Tuesday, and you know what that means. It's time to grab your bag

and your balls. It's This Week in Ladies Golf.

It's been an exciting week on the Lady Lynx, but when is it not?

Let's get right into that sweet, sweet girl -on -girl action.

Beatrice Ricari, the Iberian nightmare, sinks a miracle 18 -footer from the

fringe in a playoff and takes home a cool quarter mil. I like big putts.

Playing through to Tallahassee, Florida, where a foursome on the back nine at

Hilleman Golf Course heard two gunshots, went to see what happened, and found

two, count them, two dead women.

Sounds like someone made a hole in one and a hole in the other one.

That's right. It's a two -way tie for our shot of the day.

Sponsored by Meisterbrow Premium Beer.

Four is how many I'll be having. I'm driving.

And finally, let's turn back the clock and tee up a TWILG Classic Moments.

A woman's severed head was found on a golf course way back, back, back, back,

back in 1989.

Has been ID'd as a prostitute. Murdered by serial killer and nine handicapper,

Joel Rifkin.

Hey, Riff Dog, that is one wicked slice.

Replace your divots. That was This Week in Ladies Golf. See you next Tuesday,

lesbians.

And now, all aboard the panel train.

The stops are Panel Junction, Panel City, and East St. Panel. It's time for

panel.

Numerous appearances on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Burning Love on E!

It's Natasha Leggera.

And you know him from FX's The League and HBO's Enlightened. It's Jason

Manzoukas.

Hooray!

Natasha, is it true that you carry around a rape whistle with you at all

in case you get bored of conversations?

Jason, I hear you're allergic to eggs. Yeah, violently so.

It did not stop you from filling my dressing room full of, like, cookies and

muffins that would straight up kill me. I had all that leftover Cadbury shit,

man. I had to deal with it.

How dare you? How dare you?

Let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

news stories, this one's my favorite.

If you can't stand the heat, don't murder your wife in the kitchen.

A California chef just got the maximum sentence for killing his spouse and then

cooking her body for four days.

Oh, no.

Look at him. Ay -yi -yi.

Oops. But what, like, I feel like everybody is glossing over is that when

found out that they were suspecting him of doing it, he threw himself off a

cliff and lived.

Between that and straight -up slow -roasting his wife, this dude has done

things on my bucket list.

It's important for ladies to know that the look a guy gives you when he's about

to f*** you, it's the same look as when he's about to eat you.

I just think it's dumb to boil a body for four days because then there's no

nutrients left.

I hope he doesn't turn her into those small plates. I just hate when chefs do

that.

I would think by day three he was so tempted to take the lid off the crock

This is a horrible story.

He bound her up with duct tape for a full day before he killed her, right?

Before he cooked her. And when I was reading that, I was like, this is kind

sexy.

At this point, Jason, I feel like you must have been in the room when he

her.

Up next is the JonBenet Ramsey Memorial parenting segment, where children are

the future, but parents are the stars.

You spin me right round, baby, right round.

A 17 -year -old Rochester, New York mom was arrested after she put her two -year

-old son inside a running dryer at a public laundromat.

Oof. This story is so terrible. Like, I cannot believe people still have to go

to the laundromat.

This is one of those things that I'm like, is this really a big deal?

Or is this just modern parenting? Because if you read about it, the kid

fine. And I guarantee you, he's not going to piss his pants again.

And now it's time to play the classic game, Is That a Baby in the Dryer?

Oh, I love this game!

We'll play an audio clip of Something in the Dryer, and you tell me if it's the

sweet sound of a baby.

Or something else in the dryer.

First up, Jason, listen to this sound.

Wow.

Jason. Wow, wow, wow.

Is that a baby in the dryer?

I'm going to say no.

It's a pretty heavy metallic sound, so I'm going to go with not a baby,

It was a panini maker in the dryer.

Listen to this thing in the dryer.

Natasha, is that a baby in the dryer?

I'm going to say yes.

Yes, that is eight pounds, nine ounces of pure baby in the dryer.

Nailed it.

All right.

Nailed it. You guys are awesome at this.

Jason, listen to this thing. All right.

Wow. Nathan, is that a baby in the dryer?

Anthony, I'm going to say yes, that's a baby in the dryer.

No, it's three babies in the dryer.

No. Three babies in the dryer.

No. Yes.

That's just a time saver.

Does this panel make me look panel? Of course it's panel.

We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back to panel. The panel is like a hot knife through warm panel. It's

more panel.

And now for our segment, Culture Club, where we take a baseball bat to the

shop of human intellectual achievement.

Mind your own lady business. A biology teacher in Idaho is getting heat from

parents for mentioning vaginas and female orgasms while teaching

Oh, I know my least favorite day of biology class was when we had to dissect

vaginas.

In Idaho, the technical term for vagina is rank . To be fair

to this guy, he was only saying vaginas in an effort to describe his own facial

hair.

This is a crazy story. This is like Footloose for vaginas.

My thing is, I can't believe this guy is teaching the female orgasm in class.

I mean, like, aren't we supposed to be teaching our kids things that are real?

Oh, come on.

I'm single, ladies.

No, it is better than what they do in Mississippi where your uncle teaches you

sex education.

I would think after a lifetime of giving mustache rides, this guy would know

what was up.

I don't know what the big deal is. It's like a biology class. He's talking about

vaginas, blah, blah, blah. It's not that big a deal to me. To me, in high

school, I mean, I took AP finger blasting.

AP? And I passed.

Did you get college credit for that?

No. I was homeschooled.

All right.

Let's do a little role playing here, all right?

Jason, pretend you're a teacher. Okay.

Explain to Natasha how the female orgasm works without using any profanity or

dirty scientific words.

Now, Natasha, you know, when a man loves a woman, you know, her flower becomes

engorged and hot, and he takes out his hose to water her flower.

And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Unless his hose...

shoots too early, and then she gets angry, and then a whole thing occurs

money. Why?

Why did this become about money? Guess what I don't need right now? You writing

me about money, okay?

It's not interesting to me. I can get it back in a couple minutes if you do

mouth stuff.

Right?

And now it's time for Latino Voice.

Jason, have you been watching Game of Thrones this season? Do you think

Daenerys' dragons will be big enough for her to take the Iron Throne?

Amen. You gotta listen to me, okay?

What you're talking is crazy talk.

Khaleesi's dragons are going to take over the whole kingdoms, all of the

And if Santa thinks these sports would be able to overtake her, even with the

red woman, it's fire versus fire, man.

Natasha,

how many purses do you own, and which one is your favorite?

Well, Anthony...

I have.

And my favorite purse is the red one.

And that was Latino Voices.

And now it's time to throw out the baby with the bathwater. It's defending your

tweet.

You tweeted it.

Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of all these people.

Tasha.

On February 3rd, you tweeted the following.

Pound it! Four exclamation points.

Hashtag JK.

Natasha, defend your tweet.

Okay, everyone was, like, tweeting sports stuff, so in my mind, I thought

was, like, what people say to sports.

Okay, I pound it.

Oh, man, did you see that sports game the other night? Pound it.

No, like, like, pound the ball, you know? Like, pound it. Yeah, like, pound

ball. Like that old thing.

I'm curious what sport that is.

That was a good defense, Natasha.

You really pounded it.

Now, Jason. Yeah. On March 22nd, you tweeted, Sweet! I made $103 .76

so far filling out surveys.

Jason,

that seems like spam.

Defend your tweet.

No.

I know it does, but dude, I made $103 .76 from filling out surveys, and I want

people to know about it. This is a great thing. Follow that link. Trust it,

guys. This is flawless.

I'm pretty hilarious on Twitter, I will be honest.

Even though that picture looks like a homeless version of me.

Yeah, it looks exactly like you.

But thank you guys both for being here tonight.

Catch Natasha live April 11th through 13th at Comedy Works in Denver. And

out Jason's podcast, How Did This Get Made, available on iTunes.

We'll be right back with more stuff.

Thanks again to Natasha.

I don't know. Why?

Because if people saw us walking together, they'd know we were f***ed.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

What is the third most common third for what Asian people smell like?

Rice. Rice.

Great guess.

Do you bereave in miracles?

No, it's mothballs.

Looking for mothballs.