Original subtitles

Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids

doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight.

John Mulaney and T .J. Miller are here.

A lot of bad things happened this week, which just goes to show you, every day

is a gift.

Olympus has fallen. Last week, President Obama named veteran agent Julia

Pearson. as the first female director of the Secret Service.

See, ladies? Even the president agrees.

Protection is the woman's responsibility.

Spoiler alert! A script from the final season of Breaking Bad was stolen from

Bryan Cranston's car last week.

Authorities are now on the lookout for any non -white person discussing

Bad.

Huddle up, bitches. It's rumored that a current NFL player is strongly

considering coming out of the closet within the next few months.

Insiders wonder whether the player will be ostracized for being gay or praised

for having the courage to quarterback the Patriots to three Super Bowl titles.

A town in Ireland has legalized drinking and driving as long as you drive slowly

and stay off the main roads.

So, just like what everyone pretends the law is everywhere.

Now, this is heavy.

CVS is now requiring its workers to reveal their weight or pay an extra $50

month for health insurance.

CVS employees immediately slammed the policy as an invasion of privacy and

went back to masturbating to your kids' bath time photos.

Happy birthday, a high school student celebrating his 18th birthday was killed

by a subway train while trying to cross the tracks on a dare.

When reached for comment, a friend who was with him at the time said, okay,

truth.

Do these seats go all the way back? A Knoxville woman was arrested after she

caught performing oral sex on a man in order to get a better deal on a

The woman called it an embarrassing mistake, while the man called it the

Cadillac of negotiating.

And finally, Cannonball, TV's newest hit show, is Splash on ABC, where

celebrities like Louis Anderson and Kendra Wilkinson learn how to do an

high dive into a pool.

The show would be perfect, except for the fact that the pool has water in it.

That was a great monologue.

girls are starving themselves and over -exercising because their boyfriends

them to have porn star bodies.

But that's an unobtainable body image. I mean, you're either a 14 -year -old

Asian girl or you're not.

Now, clearly, the way women view their bodies is a very sensitive topic.

And whenever a topic is too sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of

jokes about it in a segment we call Sacred Cow.

This week, we chose female body image.

Now, can you discuss female body image without being insulting and degrading?

course not.

Enjoy. Now, doctor, what is your name and what do you do?

I am Dr.

Jordana Mansbacher, and I am a licensed therapist.

Why do you think so many women have body image issues?

There is cultural pressure, there is media pressure to look a certain way,

then there is that thinking that if I look that certain way, my life is going

be perfect.

Yeah, women are nuts, right?

How do you tell one of your patients that they've gained back too much

I never tell my patients they've gained back too much weight.

Do you ever send them a card that says you've gotten fat again?

No. I want to decrease the emphasis on what someone looks like. That's my job.

So you would never be like, hey, fatty, fat, fat, fat.

How'd you get so fat?

You would never kind of go that route?

Make it fun?

No, I would never make it fun. Now, what part does the media play in making

women obsessed about their bodies?

The average model is 5 '11 and weighs 114 pounds.

There you go. And young girls and women are seeing that on magazine pages, and

they're thinking that that's normal.

Well, you can't stop progress.

That's progress?

Yeah. What would you like to be since you're not happy in this body?

I think I'm nailing it. I think we're both nailing it, if you don't mind me

saying so.

Now, next I'm going to talk to an anorexic girl. Is there anything that I

shouldn't say to her?

You should avoid talking about her appearance.

You have an eating disorder.

Most women with low self -esteem just sleep with a bunch of guys.

Why didn't you just do that?

You can do both.

That's what I was looking for, great.

Can I be honest with you?

There's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect, other than mentally.

So what is your name, and what do you do? My name is Mariah, and I'm a

cosmetologist. Why do you think the girls with the little meat on their

are so much happier than skinny girls?

We're way more happier because we're full.

Do you prefer the term chubby, full -figured, or best value?

Best value.

That's a good one. It is.

What's the most hurtful fat joke that you've ever heard?

Let me give you some examples.

How do you know when a fat person has stopped eating?

How? You just read their obituary.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Obesity. Obesity who?

It's not a joke. It's a wake -up call. I'm worried about you.

Tell me you just got hit by a car.

I just got hit by a car. Oh, my God. Is the car okay?

All right, well, thank you so much for being here, Mariah. You have a great

sense of humor. Thank you.

You are morbidly awesome.

and T .J. Miller.

Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive. Kids, that last piece on female body

image really got me to sympathize with obese women.

I mean, they've got the weight of the world on their feet.

So I wondered what I would do if I was a morbidly obese woman. How would I

handle it? Well, I handle it the same way I handle everything else.

With panache.

Panache. Panache.

Look at it.

I'm so lucky you have a boyfriend.

What's it like?

Stupid bitches.

Bitch. Bitch.

And now, today's the first panel of the rest of your panel. It's time for

panel. Please welcome a former writer for SNL. You know him from his Comedy

Central special, New in Town. It's Sean Mulaney.

And the star of Yogi Bear 3D, internationally reviled comedian and

personal friend of mine, it's T .J. Miller.

It's offensive.

It's offensive.

I already need you to dial it back, T .J.

Now, John, I...

Yeah,

that happened. Yeah.

I thought I heard that.

Now, TJ, you used to live in New Zealand.

Now, did you find the Kiwis to be a touchy and humorless people?

No, I found them to have an absolute moral truth and an ethical compass that

would agree with.

Okay. Wow.

How many comedy clubs are there in New Zealand?

There's one. How many of those clubs are you banned from for life?

I would say one.

That's what I thought. Your hair looks unbelievable.

I can't believe we aren't already talking about it.

It looks like your forehead is on fire with a sandy blonde mess.

It's an inferno.

It is an Aryan inferno.

CJ, this show is not just about fitting the obvious.

Now let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the

awful news stories, this one's my favorite.

Arkham Asylum Salama Lankham. Aurora shooter James Holmes has reportedly

converted to Islam in prison and is praying up to five times a day. Better

next time, Scientology.

This is the last step in being the worst, most hated person in America.

He is now officially the hardest person to play two truths and a lie with, I

think. He's like, I'm a mass murderer, I'm a devout Muslim, and

one summer I worked at a Cold Stone Creamery.

Hard to know.

That sucks you've got to pray five times a day. That's no good.

Some pharmaceutical company, they've got to design a once -daily Islam prayer.

Because you can't spend all day praying.

And I hope I don't get killed for that joke.

Probably not. Every time he bends down to pray, they're just going to rape him

to shreds.

During a prayer. Oh, yeah, for sure. He's going to be praying that his ass

be totally shredded from the rape shredding that'll happen.

Well, you know, I heard that James Holmes prays five times a day that

will tell him the ending of The Dark Knight Rises.

What other...

What other advantages does James Holmes have now that he's a Muslim?

Great college essay.

I mean, now that he has the beard, easier to grip onto him when you're

him to shreds.

Up next is the worst, worst thing in the week. It's a terrible story, just like

the last one, only worse.

Guns don't kill people.

Congress kills people.

A ban on assault weapons has been dropped from a new Senate bill because

isn't enough support in Congress even to take a vote.

Weren't we talking about this back in the day? Back in the day, we were

about this. We said it was bananas.

Bananas. You guys, you both agreed it's bananas. At the same moment. Yeah. I

started to say bananas and then you said nanas. Yeah.

And I didn't know if he was talking about Italian grandmothers or what, but

knew that we agreed.

Yeah.

This is bananas!

This is bananas!

Honestly, I don't want my kids to grow up in a world where assault weapons are

legal, and thanks to Congress, they probably won't grow up in that world.

I say you can take away my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious

-year -old's cold, dead hand.

I mean, I don't think that assault weapons are American. I think you do it

old -fashioned way.

Wolverine claws.

Wolverine? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's what I'm talking about.

You're doing what Wolverine caused.

Mulaney, don't make a move. You're going for my ranch. I'm not going to make a

move. I didn't know we could bring props. Yeah, how did you get that in

don't know. Maybe the security guard got raped to shreds.

All right, guys.

Keep your game faces on.

Time to play a game called Gunshot Wound or Italian Food.

I'm going to show you a picture, and you tell me if it's a gunshot wound or

Italian food.

TJ, you're first. Take a look at this picture.

Could be a gunshot wound. Could be pizza.

TJ, what do you think?

I mean, I looked at my lower lip this morning in the mirror, and I saw this

thing.

I think it's an Italian gunshot wound.

Mama Mia.

It's a pizza. All right.

All right, John Mulaney. Take a look at this picture.

Could be a gunshot wound. Could be a nice veal cutlet.

What do you think, John?

I love this little white thing creeping in there.

Can we put Parmesan cheese on it and then decide? I think it's a gunshot

on Chef Boyardee. That's my theory.

When you hear your family, it's a gunshot wound.

On a black person. Oh.

On the biggest black vagina you've ever seen.

Okay, this is the last one.

Take a look at this picture.

Could be a gunshot wound. Probably mushroom risotto.

Is alien the third choice that we have? It is not.

I'll go mushroom risotto.

That's amore.

It's a gunshot wound.

What do we want? More panel.

When do we want it? Panel.

We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome

back.

We've got panel. Yes, we do.

We've got panel. How about panel? It's more panel.

It's time for dating bloopers. We look at the lighter side of dating

shenanigans. Enter stage rape. A man in Arkansas staged a rape with a friend so

that he could pretend to be a hero and save his female date.

Spoiler alert, he did not get that second date.

Why did the thing that made me laugh the hardest was that it was Arkansas? I

don't know, but it really set me off. And you know all the people in Arkansas

are just being like, only in Arkansas.

I want to hear that conversation with his buddy where he sort of asked, hey,

listen, I need a favor.

I want to start this conversation out by saying you're not actually going to

rape anyone.

It's not a bad idea, you know, because if you want to score with a chick, a

way to do it is to make her all freaked out like she's going to get raped and

then the panties just drop.

Yeah, afterwards, like she's going to be like, oh, God, that was terrible. Can

we go back to your place for white wine? Yeah.

What if he wasn't able to defend against his friend? Like, what if the friend

accidentally knocked him out and then it's just him and the girl?

Kind of going, hey, I'm not actually going to rape you.

Yeah. Carl told me a lot about you.

You're a nurse or something?

You start the new date. Yeah, they start a new date. That's really sweet.

Champagne's already chilled.

Yeah. That's a major favor, though, staging a fake rape. That is right

Pick Me Up at the airport, I think.

I mean, I would say you know your best friends from just your friends by

or not they stage the rape or they stage a rape shredding.

Callback. I like that. I like the callback, TJ.

That's a very solid callback. You guys, don't do it. Don't bring out the claws.

Hey, who likes a gay Wolverine? Oh, stop.

Remember when I did that, Anthony, on your show?

Yeah.

How about, TJ, let's say... this was your girlfriend. You took her out on a

date. You planted a fake rape.

Yeah. She found out and doesn't want to see you again.

You've got to convince her to go on a second date with you.

I think, you know, I would look at the girl and I would say, you know, there's

never a second chance at a first impression.

But watch out behind you, Anthony Jessup! It's going to rape you!

That's pretty good.

Melanie, why don't you take a shot at this one?

Convince this lady she needs to go on a second date with you, even though you

pretended to have her. Because I faked a rape to win her heart on the first

date. This is now the second date. You're trying to get her. You're like,

forget about that. Go on a second date with me. Okay.

All right.

Look, work's just been crazy lately.

I know how it is.

I know how it is.

And now it's time. It's time to cut the umbilical cord and flush the toilet.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweeted it, now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of

all these people.

John, on August 28th, you tweeted, A funny Hollywood thing to say would be,

Carpe the per diem. Like a fun actress could call her book that.

Baranski, etc.

John, defend your tweet. Solid tweet, excellent tweet.

It combines things that people on Twitter love, like Latin and dated,

fae Hollywood references.

It's perfect for your audience.

Perfect, yeah.

I mean, I think I had them at Baranski.

An upcoming guest.

And I don't have to do any more work because I put the word et cetera at the

end.

The old comedy trick.

That's a great defense.

I think you had him at Berinsky and you lost him at Etcetera.

Also, when you didn't have the word rape in it.

He got in another one.

I never thought I would have to tell another comedian, chill with the rape

stuff.

TJ, on March 21st, you tweeted this.

Ooh, boy, that was a doozy. You're going to shit your pants.

Why did I capitalize so many words? It doesn't make sense which ones I chose.

CJ, defend yourself.

First of all, I don't think you should try

and assume that that word was supposed to be shot.

It's actually spit.

That was a doozy. You're going to spit your pants.

Why did I do this show?

Because you have nothing else.

You have burned every bridge you have in this business.

But thank you both for being here tonight.

Catch John Mulaney live May 1st and 2nd at Cobbs in San Francisco.

And watch TJ's DeGore Burger Show on YouTube.

Google it.

Thanks again to John Mulaney and T .J. Miller. Also get tickets for my new

spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik.

And at the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik. We'll see you next week, but

before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Hey, Darlene. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A black fella.

Call the police!

Hey, TJ, does that hurt?

Not really.

Told ya.

Told ya.

Ah, memories.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

What is

the perfect size for a woman?

There is no perfect size for a woman.

other than what her body is supposed to do. Seems like everyone should be able

to fit into that box.

Well, when you're talking about super skinny women that you like, they're more

like this.

Not when I get through with them.