Original subtitles

Jesselnick Offensive, how are you kids doing tonight?

Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight.

Brett Gelman and Andy Kindler are here.

But first, bad news is my business, and this week, business is a -boomin'.

Huge story right out of the gate. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have ended

their engagement.

So great news for all you guys out there that love Miley Cyrus.

Liam Hemsworth is available.

Smoke him if you got him. Last week, a man was caught in a grocery store in

California in a bathroom reading a pornographic magazine while smoking

laced with cocaine and being accompanied by a small child.

Police are still baffled.

by what it takes to get this man off.

Don't let this get you down. A company in Pittsburgh has developed a new line

dolls called Dolls for Downs that have the same characteristics as children

Down syndrome.

The dolls have been very popular, although for some reason people keep

their orders during the first trimester.

Now, where are my papal lads? The papal conclave has elected their new pope,

Pope Francis from Argentina.

He's the first pope ever from South America and the 266th gay pope.

Swing batter batter.

Last week, a little league in Illinois raffled off an AR -15 assault rifle to

raise money for the teams.

Great news if your favorite part of baseball is watching kids get picked

Now, I don't know what to think about this one. Last week, Taylor Swift

by a Nebraska hospital to pay a visit to one of her biggest fans, a 10 -year

-old cancer patient.

The little girl was thrilled to meet her idol in person and says it's something

she'll remember for as short as she lives.

That was a great monologue.

I said it was a great monologue.

That was the president.

Kids, last week, the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong -un, threatened to

drop a nuclear bomb on the United States.

But not all Asians are nuclear dangerous.

Some of them are just karate dangerous.

So how do you tell the difference?

Practice. With the Jesselnik Offensive audience game, which kind of Asian is

this?

our contestants will be playing for tonight.

Pretty special stuff.

All right, let's have our first contestant come on up here.

How you doing, buddy?

Thanks for joining me. What is your name? My name is Randall. Your name is

Randall. What do you do, Randall? I am a student.

Where? I go to school in Tampa, USF.

Tampa, USF. Wow.

Congratulations on getting into your safety school.

Now, Randall, you might recognize this next nationality from either the

or your last traffic accident.

Randall, which kind of Asian is this? I'll give you a hint.

Dog.

I'm going to go with Korean. Korean.

I was looking for Indonesian.

Better luck next time you do something racist. Thank you for playing.

So my next contestant, come on out here.

Hey, look at this.

Thank you for playing. What is your name?

My name's Tina.

Hell yeah, it is.

Tina, what do you do? I'm a flight attendant. You're a flight attendant.

couldn't hack it as a pilot, huh?

No, I couldn't. Oh, too bad.

Tina. I'm going to ask you to open your eyes as wide as you can and tell me

which kind of Asian is this.

It's a tough one. I'll give you a little help.

Dog fried rice.

Chinese? Chinese.

Oh, you have brought great shame to your family. I'm sorry.

I was looking for Laotian or Laotian.

Pronounced either way, both are incorrect.

Thank you for playing. Thank you.

Let's bring up our final contestant.

Thank you for playing.

What is your name?

Jonathan. Jonathan, and what do you do? I'm a movie critic. A movie critic? Oh,

we need more of those.

What's the name of your blog?

I'm on a radio station and also on a Huffington Post.

Oh, Huffington Post and a radio station. Do you get paid for either one?

A little from YouTube.

Okay, a little from YouTube.

I don't believe that either.

Okay,

Jonathan, this is a lot of pressure on you. I know. But nothing compared to

you've gotten from your parents, I'm sure.

Jonathan, tell me, which kind of Asian is this?

The worst kind.

Mickey Rooney. That is Mickey Rooney, but what kind of Asian is he portraying?

Japanese. Japanese?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was looking for Oriental.

Mickey Rooney is portraying an Oriental.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you can tell me the movie. I'll give you the prize anyway.

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Thank you very much. Thank

Jonathan, for playing.

Big thank you to all our contestants.

I hope everybody learned a little something about cultures and how best to

them. We'll be right back with Brett Gelman and Andy Timmer.

Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive. I know I've been offending a lot of

different types of people on my show. But I want you to know, before you

complain, I have one of the most diverse staff in all of television. So I'd like

to introduce some of them right now with the Jesselnik Offensive diversity roll

call.

Chinese Andrew.

Guy I confused for Chinese Andrew.

Black Steve.

Steve.

Me.

Abusive Relationship Janice.

Abusive Relationship Damon.

Donnie Wooden Spoons for Arms.

Surviving Siamese Twin Samantha.

And Jazzy Jennifer.

Birthday Cake.

for everybody's favorite part of the show, the part where I introduce the

It's time for panel.

Please welcome frequent guest and correspondent for The Late Show with

Letterman and the voice of Mort on Bob's Burgers, Andy Kindler. And the best

comedian and actor that has or ever will do this show, or so he tells me, from

NBC's Go On and Adult Swim's Eagle Heart, Brett Gelman.

comedy should know that we've a lot in common. We're both always talking about

Hitler. That's right. Of course, I told you the pro -Hitler jokes would not go

over, but that's what you do.

But you have a general Aryan vibe to you.

Hitler just seems like a bro.

Did you know that Hitler used to refer to his enemies as haters?

No.

I knew that. I knew that.

Now, Brett, it says here that you used to eat an entire brick of cheese in one

sitting when you were a kid? Yeah.

How did that work out for you?

Terrible, terrible. I would get so constipated. I'd be on the toilet for

My mother would read bedtime stories to me.

She'd be like, good night, moon. Put your head between your legs. It'll come

faster.

You know, like that type of thing. Sounds like she was a great mom, but not

of a dietician.

I used to eat bricks when I was a kid.

Boom! Huh?

We make fun of a product that's new and unfamiliar to us.

Lay lady latex.

Brazil's top sex toy company is letting men bid for the chance to take the

virginity of the country's first locally made real doll. And the bidding is up

to $100 ,000.

It's like that old saying, why buy the cow when you can lease it for the price

of a house?

Is there a chance of there being treasure inside the doll?

No, but you know it's a virgin because the styrofoam peanuts are still in

If I had a doll for every woman I've slept with who had styrofoam peanuts in

her. How much money would you have?

I don't know, but I've heard that that's a good premise.

This is not really happening. People are bidding to see if this is happening.

They're not even buying the doll. They're bidding the right to take its

virginity. And then some other lucky guy gets to buy the doll later.

Let's move on to the classic game, Brazilian sex doll or Kenmore

I'm going to give you guys a product feature.

You tell me if it's a feature of the Brazilian sex doll or of a Kenmore

dishwasher. Ready? First feature, oversized rack to accommodate large

Kenmore dishwasher or Brazilian sex doll?

Kenmore dishwasher.

Yeah. Nobody who's having sex with that doll has...

a penis that they're not ashamed of.

And the answer is... 10 more dishwasher.

Nice. Nice.

Okay. Up next is a tricky one.

Designed for large loads, but forcing something to fit may void the warranty.

Resilient sex doll or 10 more dishwasher?

It's a tough one. I'm going to say Brazilian sex doll because I'm sure that

of those perverts are going to sneak a deuce or two inside of you.

Is that ugly?

No. Is that bad?

I think it's a thinker for the audience at home. I think it's true.

I think if you're having sex with that doll, you're definitely shitting in it.

I would like to go.

With whatever he didn't say, because his answer sickens me.

Let's see what the answer is.

Sex doll.

Is that the doll?

That is the doll. Oh! No!

I didn't know that we were dealing with this.

She's pretty hot, right? Did you see her in Silver Linings Playbook?

Next option. Makes noise when you have sex with it.

Resilient sex doll or Kenmore dishwasher?

Andy, you look like you want to jump all over this one.

I, in college.

Okay.

Take me back, Andy.

A couple of times, we did have sex with the dishwasher.

And his name was Lupe!

I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm

saying.

I'll go with the dishwasher.

Dishwasher, right? I think it's the dishwasher, but I think that there

a voice feature on the doll that while you're having sex with it, it says, oh

yeah, baby, give it to me, daddy, and you're making a psychologically altering

mistake.

I'm giving a lot of thought. The answer is both.

It's a tie.

Does she always look like that? Does she always have that look?

And that was something that went on way too long.

Up next is for the ladies. We look down through the glass ceiling at our stories

for women.

Who wants two tickets to the gun show? Your mother.

That's who.

A new study shows the fastest growing group of gun owners in the U .S. are

women. I think it's great that more women are taking the initiative to

accidentally shoot themselves.

Um, yeah, you know.

I knew he'd score.

No.

They're getting guns.

They already got our guns.

You know what I'm saying, fellas?

Bang.

I'm a pig. I'm talking about my penis.

Okay. Oh, okay.

One thing you have to worry about, though, is they probably won't use the

because they won't be able to find it in their purse. Am I right?

Who's with me?

You are right. Hey, hey.

You always...

You notice how guys, they always have to ask, and they want to ask for

directions, guys, you notice that? And women always shoot you in the eye.

I think it's cool that we can stop worrying about concealed weapons,

know women can't keep a secret.

They don't need them.

They already got their jibber -jabber -yappers, am I right, fella? They'll

you with the nagging! With the constant nagging!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

You'll never do this!

What's wrong with you?

Seriously, though. Can I be serious for one second?

I want to be serious for one second.

I really believe that women should have the right to have a gun, but if they

have that right, they have to give up another right. Voting, whatever they

Put that panel on your mantle. We'll be right back with more panel.

Welcome back.

Should we leave you thirsting for more panel? Well, get ready to drink deep

the cup of more panel. It's more panel.

And now for our segment, Culture Clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

China shop of human intellectual achievement.

Give me my refund in singles.

Jim Jones and The Game are joining other rappers in declaring strip club

expenses as tax deductions.

This will be a real boon for that one rapper who did his taxes once.

Well, I don't know what Jim Jones is, but this is the best work he's done

Jonestown, right?

Too soon?

Too late?

Are you not a hip -hop fan?

What are you, drinking the Kool -Aid?

I've heard, this is true though, no, no, I heard this, I heard this, that a lot

of rappers, they can make a lot of deductions under the heading

bling.

The 2106, 2106 form.

Fred, try to get a word in edgewise.

No, they got a new thing. Instead of a lap dance, they're doing this new thing

called a tax dance, which is the same thing as a lap dance, only your

accountant's sitting right next to you, and he's saying, this is a really good

idea.

What's, like, the weirdest tax write -off that you guys do as comedians?

I deduct all food all the time. Why not, right? Give it a shot.

Yeah, that's illegal.

Also, I make up a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Computer, $50 ,000.

Do you have an accent all the time? Yeah, computer. I do it as a New York

Hey! When the IRS calls me, I go, yeah, yeah, that was for a computer.

I deducted hair plugs.

Mine.

Huh? Very good.

Not that good. But I was going to say, I'm being audited.

Oh,

I think.

It's time to put your baby in the dryer and turn it on high.

It's defending your tweet.

You tweet it, and I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of all

these people.

Andy Kindler. On March 12th, you tweeted the following.

I don't want to live in a world where the reference 1910 Fruit Gum Company is

not met with howls of laughter and nudging elbows.

Andy, defend that tweet.

Feel free to go word by word.

Uh, well, look, they laughed, right?

Why do the kids today do not respect references?

They don't know the references.

I mean, they can't find Iraq on a map. That's fine with me. But I want to be

able to stay in a club. Hey, look at this. It was Gary Puck in the Union Gaps

over here. Boom!

What do you think? What do I look like, a member of Every Mother's Son?

That's what I want.

Now, Brett. Yeah.

On September 4th, you tweeted, If my ass wanted to be kissed, it wouldn't be

shitting all the time.

Greg Gellman, defend your tweet.

That was a lie.

I love compliments.

And I haven't taken a decent BM in three weeks!

I don't have a problem with your joke. It was a look of pride on your face.

It means that I'm older and I'm more mature.

Guys, thank you so much for being here tonight.

Catch Andy appearing at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas, April

24th through 27th. And watch Brett and go on Tuesdays at 9 on NBC.

We'll be right back with more show.

Thanks again to Andy Kindler and Brett Gelman. Also get tickets for my new

spring tour at anthonyjeselnik .com and follow me on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik.

Also at the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik. We'll see you next week, but

before I go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show.

Oh, I want a girl just like the girl who made...

Okay, I'm the bad guy now? I guess you got a good deal on acrylic.

Here's something.

I don't agree with you, Anthony.

Anthony. What are you, an Italian guy?

Why are you saying things?

Why? And wherefore? If not me, then who?

If not now, then when?

If not this direction, then that direction.

When I open my eyes like this, Anthony, it would be good if I had something to

say that made a point.

That's it. I can't take it.

Good night, kids. Go read a book.

And lo, the blood of the Christian babies was drunk, thus prolonging the

of the elders of Zion.

And that was the story of Passover.

L 'chaim!

And may your tuchus be as long as your smiths.