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- ♪♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

- ♪ You want love but you fear it ♪

♪ Your attention...

- So here it is: the end of the road.

My last night serving.

My last night wearing this ridiculous outfit.

No more standing over people as they talk, and text,

and Tweet, and update their Facebook profiles,

and basically completely ignore me.

No more smiling like an idiot for photos with families I barely even know.

Honestly, are they really going to put a picture of their waiter in their family photo album?

I mean, how lame is that?

No more dealing with Barb and her oh-so-delightful

multiple personality disorder.

I'll clean it up, I'll clean it up. - Surprise!

- No more ambushes from Tommy, with his Taco Bell-flavoured "cuppies".

- Mmm! Love it, buddy! Love it!

[Coughing]

No more always bumping into... that guy.

OK, I have to admit, I will miss the two Akbars.

Their heated debates about Darwin, world politics,

and... something relativism are always fascinating.

But hey, what do you expect from the two most educated guys in the place?

Whoa, I almost forgot: no more getting roped into

attending another one of Simon's always-creatively-titled

but-extremely-painful one-man shows.

Tommy! - Oh... Ah!

- So, as I venture off into the sunset, is there any one thing

I can say I've learned for certain?

Well, I guess it's that people can be pretty shitty sometimes.

Not that I blame them. I mean, let's be honest:

most people don't have any real power in their lives.

But the moment they sit down in my restaurant

and I approach their table, they're the boss,

they're finally in charge of someone.

And let me tell you, some people take that to heart.

And it only makes things worse that they assume

my kindness is fake, that I'm only being nice to them

because I want a big tip. And that's not true.

Well, OK, maybe it's a little true,

but it's not the only reason. Look, it's a server's job

to be nice to people whether they like it or not.

It's not like we can be honest with them, right?

Anyway, none of that matters anymore because tonight

I'll walk out of those doors for good. And I gotta say,

I can't wait.

So, here's how it's going to go down:

come closing time, all the idiots once again

risk life and limb on that death trap.

I'll wait to break the news to Godfrey.

Now, I haven't told anybody I'm quitting,

just like we talked about. I want things to be nice

and clean--no casualties.

- Woohoo!

- Unlike the deathtrap.

So when the moment of truth arrives, I'll be ready.

- Is he OK? - [Man]: Good to go, boss!

- I've been waiting three years for this moment, and nothing is gonna stop me.

- OK, baby. This might sting a little.

- Whoa, whoa. What are you doing down there? Whoa, that hurts!

- Ugh! Jesus, Josh.

I was trying to give you an early birthday gift. - I know. It's just

it doesn't feel like a gift when you skewer me, that's all.

Maybe try a card next time?

- Fine. I'm sorry. I just thought maybe if I tried

something new, you know? Things haven't exactly been

working out for you-- I mean us--recently.

- I can't believe you would bring that up. That was one time.

This is not a regular- situationship.

- Yes, I know. I just thought things would be better now that you're finally finished

working at that damn restaurant.

No, you know what? Forget it. Let's just, let's just put this behind us.

Now, I want to hear how your final shift went last night.

Did you end up spitting in anyone's food?

Not that anybody would notice in that dump.

Josh? Come on, Josh. How'd it go?

- I'm sorry, what? - Oh my God, Josh. Please say you quit.

- OK. "You quit." What? That's not what you wanted?

- Josh, for God's sakes, just be honest with me.

- Fine. I masturbate in the shower. - Josh!

- What? I'm being honest. I even do it at your apartment.

- Oh, my God.

- Jenny, come back into the apartment!

- No!

- Jenny, come back! - Why?

So I can watch you make babies with your bathtub? No thanks!

- Well, that's the last time I'm honest with you, isn't it? - No. No jokes.

You were supposed to quit two weeks ago! - I'm sorry. It didn't come up.

- You bring it up! That's how quitting works! God! You put in

your 3 years. Your dad is gonna give you the money that you need

to go to law school. Isn't that what you wanted? - I wrote my LSATs, didn't I?

- Did you? I don't know! Where are your scores? They were

supposed to be here a week ago. - I know. I'll call again.

- This waitering job was always just temporary, Josh. You said so yourself!

You're not allowed to set foot in there ever again! - Jenny, I can't quit like that!

- You had your chance. Last night was supposed

to be your final shift, and as far as I'm concerned, it was.

- Jenny, wait. - No. Josh, no.

I made dinner reservations tonight at Halo Grill

at eight o'clock. If you haven't quit by then, then don't bother showing up.

- No, Jenny-- I mean, wait. I--

I need your keys to my apartment.

- You mean these keys?

- Yes, those.

- Oops.

- Nice.

- Eight o'clock! - Shit.

- That's the last time, Josh!

- I'm sorry, Gretchen!

OK, so I chickened out again.

But tonight will truly be my last night, I swear.

So I bid you adieu, TRUBLEEVER,

my most faithful reader. It's been a pleasure serving you

all these years. Keep well, and remember: tip your waiter.

- ♪♪ Yeah better place your bets on this guy ♪

♪ Create this effortless ♪ Don't just try things...

- This is bullshit!

Come on, God,

show me a spot!

[Heavenly chiming]

Glory, hallelujah!

[Snickering]

[Tires squealing]

[Horn honking] [She growls]

Oh, yeah.

- You move that piece of crap right now!

Out! - Who's talking?

God, is that you?

- It's me, you fucking little twit. - Holy moly.

Lady, your lips don't move when you talk. That is nuts.

You're like a ventriloquist of your own face!

- Move the fucking car. - Sorry, no can do.

You should use that handicapped space over there. The way you look, no one will say shit.

- Don't mess with me. I am warning you!

- I think it's a little late to be worried about people messing with you.

The damage is done, lady. - Ha ha ha ha.

Fucking little shithead. Idiot.

- Who the fuck do you think you are?

Yeah, asshole. I'm talking to you.

You fucking deaf, or what?

Now get the fuck out of here.

You weren't built for illegal underground kickboxing!

You are nailing it, mister.

- Yo, Simon, did I just hear you say you're nailing some guy?

- Yeah, your father, and he loves it.

- Joke's on you. My dad's dead. Booyah!

- No, I was going over lines from an audition I had this morning.

I'm up for the role of Thug #6.

Pow! - Thug #6? Did they see your headshot, brother?

- Lick me, Tommy. I was awesome.

And I'm going to get a callback.

- Gentlemen. - Hey, Josh. What's going on?

- What are you doing here, Joshua? I thought

your lady was taking you out for your birthday tonight.

- Yeah, she is.

Look, guys, I'm glad you're both here, because--

- Oh, hey, I'm glad you're here too, buddy.

You guys are about to bask in the glow

of my new crotch-soaking plates. Huh? Huh?

- "STD muffin"?

- No, dude. "Stud muffin." - I don't think so.

- Yeah. If that's what you wanted, you should have put the U in the first word. See?

- Like anybody would get "muffin" from "MFN"? Come on!

- They would. - They wouldn't, Simon!

- Yeah, they would. And why didn't you just use two U's, anyway? Bro,

you're allowed eight characters. We went through this last year

with your "hug dick" plates-- - "Huge dick"! They say

"huge dick"! - Relax.

Nobody's judging you. You want to hug huge dicks

or whatever, you go right ahead. But I think you ought to let

those dudes know about your STD, OK, muffin? - Yeah, Tommy. It's only fair.

- Fuck you guys.

- Well, that's...

- Well, this is pretty last-minute.

Well, how bad is it?

Well, I mean, just on a scale of one to 10, how bad is your diarrhoea?

Ten. All right, well, you know what? It was an inverted scale,

so that means you're fine! So get down here right--

Well, I-- OK, OK, OK.

But would you consider wearing Depends?

How is that degrading? Astronauts wear them!

Oh, so what? So you're better than an astronaut? Is that-- [Knocking at door]

All right, OK, fine. Bye. - Godfrey? You got a second? - Josh, I'm so glad to see you.

You didn't have any of those chicken wings last night, did you?

- No, I don't like chicken wings.

- Well, that's crazy, but I'm glad to hear it.

- Look-- - Yeah, I told them to throw

those things out eons ago, but nobody listens to me.

And now I've got half my staff out with their asses

gushing shit like an out-of-control fire hose.

- That's really graphic. I didn't need to know that. - I know you aren't scheduled

to work tonight, but could you do me a solid? Huh? Come on. You can be first off.

And, and I'll throw in the meal. What do you say? You know? Anything.

I mean, obviously not the lobster. You know, or the steak.

You know, I'm thinking, like a hamburger. You know,

chicken strips. A potato. - Godfrey, I--

[Phone ringing] - Yeah, hold that thought.

Hello, Ranch Steakhouse.

Big city place, big country taste. How are--

What the fuck?

No, that's not OK!

No, you can't just-- You have to give someone some advanced

warning on this! No, I-- It's not acceptable!

I won't stand for it! Huh?

Fine. All right, that's a good point.

Josh... the Germans are coming.

- That's never good. - No. It's always terrible.

Yeah. The German company that bought the restaurant,

they're... they're... they're sending someone over from head office to audit us.

To audit us! I need to ace this audit.

- Godfrey, honestly-- - You know, and you're my ace waiter. I can't ace this audit

without my ace waiter. I need you to help me ace.

Look, I'm not going to beg, but please. Please, please.

Please. Please, please, please, please. - That's pretty much begging.

- No, it's just really intense asking. - Mm, but they're similar.

- Please. Please do this for me. I have a baby on the way.

- Another one? Really? - I know. I know!

And my in-laws are Asian. They are so judgmental, Josh.

- You're fucking working?

- Just until the end of the dinner rush. I'll be off by eight o'clock, guaranteed.

- No. No, just walk away right now!

- Jenny, I can't leave my friends in the lurch.

I have to do this. Then I'm out the door forever, I promise. - Eight o'clock, Josh.

Not a second later! - Halo Grill is two blocks

from here. I'll be there as soon as I can.

- Eight o'clock, eight o'clock, eight o'clock!

Aww! How is that even possible?!

♪♪♪ [Kitschy music]

- Ugh, Jesus! What died in here? - Ha ha! You like that, huh?

Say goodbye to the last of those chicken wings. Ba-kaw!

- How are you even standing? - Guts of steel, brother.

I could swallow the Ebola virus and not get sick. Nice outfit, by the way.

- Oh, shut up. I couldn't say no.

- Yeah, God forbid you actually have to spend time with your girlfriend.

- I don't know where you're going with this, but I'm really

not in the mood for one of your lectures, OK Tommy?

- OK, all right, say no more. You're the boss.

- Oh! What are you doing? Don't touch me in the bathroom, Tommy!

It's weird! - Yeah. Get in there. Think you can just shut me up,

just like that? Don't you know me?

- I told you: I don't want to hear it! I'm dealing with enough shit today!

- Yep. Well, you're going to have to deal with a little more. Look behind you.

That's a sweet corn torpedo, my friend.

- God, Tommy, what is your problem?

- You! You are my problem!

You think you and Jenny are this great couple? Think again!

When was the last time you said anything nice about her, huh?

- Wha-- - When you first started working here, you used to rattle on

about Jenny: "Oh, Jenny this, Jenny that."

We all thought you were a fucking pole smoker, dude!

- Just open the door! - And another thing:

you avoid seeing her. - What? No I don't! - Yes you do.

Just the other day, I caught you lying to Jenny on the phone

about having to work late when you were actually watching goddamn TV!

- It was the playoffs!

- Please, man! It was the WNBA finals.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, so what? I mean, what does any of this prove, anyway?

- It proves that you've got to stop being

such a goddamn chickenshit and ride... the... bull!

- You and that bull, Tommy! Enough!

- No! Trust me, man.

I know what I'm talking about, all right?

One ride on that baby, and you will finally have the man-balls

to dump that miserable whore and accept who you really are.

Face it: you're one of us now.

There.

I said what I had to say. Come to Papa.

Just looking out for you, dude.

- Well, don't. Nobody asked you to.

And besides, I don't need to be thrown off some poorly constructed mechanical deathtrap

to know that I've got my priorities completely messed up.

What? You think I actually want to be a waiter? - Yeah, I do. You love this job.

- You're crazy.

And your breath smells like a homeless man's dick.

- That's the last time I give your dad a blowjob. Boom!

Tommy one, Josh...

Oh, shit! It does stink.

Aw, no cups again? Son of a bitch!

Oof! Ow!

- Ha ha ha! Booyah, biatch!

- And here we have our famous

wall of wagon wheels.

And, oh, something I think you'll find interesting:

this is an actual yoke from an oxcart from a--

- Howdy, partners.

- And right over here, we have a lot of museum-quality exhibits...

- He speaks with a scary accent. - I know.

- No, Owen, boo-boo. You can't make movies in the bathroom.

That's the babysitter's private time.

No, baby, you can't put it on the internet, OK?

Listen up: I wuv you. Bye.

Ugh. Lucky fucking me. Not only do I get called in

on my day off, but I have to work

with you whiny little bitches. - Wow. Nice, Barb.

Why don't you save some of that tough talk for your kids, huh?

- Please, asshole, do not tell me how to raise my children.

And if you come near me with one of those fart- fist fucking things,

I will cut your dick off. - It's called a cuppy.

- Is it? Move, sister.

Oh, hairy tainted balls. Look at this. This is it?

This is going to be a total shit show! Who is hosting?

Oh, Jesus, no.

- Hi, y'all! - [All]: Hi, Chrissy.

- OMG. I hope you guys are enjoying

your F-to-F, because tonight is going to be totally OTH.

We've got mega-rezzies, plus it's a Saturday.

TGIS, right?

- Uh, Chrissy, why is the name "Alex" written next to mine?

- Hello! PSA:

green grease pencil means trainee. He starts at 6:30.

- What? No, I can't train someone. I've got to be out of here as soon as possible.

- Oh, hey, no. Don't look at me. Until that lawsuit's settled, I can't train anyone.

- Relax. I'll take him. I like having first dibs on new meat, anyway. Rawr.

- What does it matter who takes him? No one's getting out of here anytime soon.

And who is the freak with the man-purse?

- Oh, yeah, it's one of our new German commandants.

- What do you think he's saying to Godfrey?

- "And zis is where ve vill put ze firing squad. And over here, ze gas chamber.

And over here, I'm sinking of putting a nice garden."

- Franz, can I introduce you to these happy campers here?

This is our serving staff. Everyone,

a big welcome for Franz.

Franz, maybe I could have a moment with the staff here.

And perhaps you'd like to inspect our kitchen.

- Yes. I am very interested in your ovens.

- [Barb]: Are you? - Come on.

- Shut up! I know. Shut up.

Come on, guys. I need you to help me out here, all right?

I know no one is happy about Heindschlap Industries taking over the company, you know?

Especially in light of the recent scandal. Tonight is a big night.

We can't have any mistakes. No big mistakes.

And I am not singling Tommy out.

Now, we all know what happened when they audited the King Street location, right?

And could that happen here? Yeah, that could happen here.

Is it gonna happen here? No, it is not gonna happen here. You know why?

Because we are Ranchers, and I know that if we work together

as a team, there is nothing this night can throw at us

that we can't handle. Am I right?

Huh? 'Cause if not, then I... I'm going to take

one of those rifles down off the wall, and I'm going to just

Kurt Cobain it, right here in the middle of the dining room.

And I will just end it right here, just

boom! Blam! And I'll get your attention first so you're looking.

And you will live with that image for the rest of your lives.

And you know how much I'm joking? This much!

Just this much!

Don't make me joke less than that. I mean, when these touch,

it's not joking anymore. All right?

So who's with me tonight? Who's on my side? Who's a Rancher?

Who's a Rancher tonight? - Yes! Yes, Godfrey! - Yeah, OK.

- That's fine. - Giddy up.

- Ah, that was inspiring.

I'm... so filled with confidence now.

- Godfrey, come see this.

- Ah. Yes, Franz?

- What do you see? - Uh...

- It is a dirty oven.

I'm watching you, Godfrey.

- Whew.

- Thanks, Diego. I knew you'd have my back.

♪♪♪

- Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all.

[Clanging] Stampede!

Ranch Steakhouse. Big city-- Please speak up-- Please hold.

Ranch Steakhouse. Big city-- Please hold.

- Faster. Faster! - I'm going as fast--

- Cosmos now? Really?

- Pick up! - Just relax. - All right!

- I told them there wasn't enough staff. You will move!

St. Lucia. St. Lucia! - Out of my bar! - Please. Please.

- Five minutes.

Oh, my God. - Great.

- This is in violation of policy. Take it down.

Put this up.

♪♪♪

- All right, Franz. - Get back. Get back! Thank you very much. Get back.

No, no. No, no, no, sir. Not you. Not you. - Chrissy.

- Party of eight, Josh. - Party?! No, no. No party.

- They're standing right there! - Party? Party!

♪♪♪

- Nein, nein, nein, nein!

Godfrey! - Hey, Mexico!

Learn how to read, amigo! I need fries with the ribs,

and I need a baked potato with the chicken! Let's go, let's go!

- There. Are you happy now? - Stop! Stop!

Stop it! Stop it! No! No!

It's a dirty potato! It's a dirty potato!

I deny you! I deny you!

Put the potato back! - I will not!

[Yelling]

- "Dirty potato."

- Our hostess will be right with you gentlemen.

- Oof! - Oh! So sorry. My fault.

- No, no. It's me. I'm in my own world.

Oh, um...

- Wow. I'm usually much better at this.

- Me too. I walk around people all the time.

- Uh, table for one?

- Joshy. There you are. I just sat you again.

It's Donnie and Edna. Sorry, you were up.

Hiya. I'm Chrissy. Can I help you?

- Yeah. I'm here to see Godfrey. I'm Alexandra Wells. I'm starting today.

- Oh, you're Alex! You betcha. Let me find him for you, OK? - Oh. OK.

It's my first day.

- No, sweetie, we talked about this.

No, you can't keep putting Sprinkles in the dryer.

Well, because it makes kitty sick!

Yes, remember? Remember Bunny?

All right. All right, honey. Please, just do me a favour:

you and your brother let him out, OK? OK. All right.

Oh, shit. Mommy's gotta go, sweetie.

- Simon, you back here? - Can I please have-- - Whoa!

[Groaning in pain]

- Careful. Floor's wet.

- Fuck you, Barb. Is anybody gonna help me?

♪♪♪

Why are the Akbars shaking their heads? - Oh, what do they know?

- Actually, I think one of them is a doctor.

I told you.

- Whatever. On three. One, two...

[Groaning loudly] Ooh, I think I got it!

- I knew it.

I knew it.

Agh, this is nasty. When did this become acceptable?

- Mm.

Eww, Tommy, gross!

If anything's nasty, it's dish-pit dining.

- Dude, what are you talking about, man? This plate is

from table 34. And that chick? Smoking hot.

- What does that have to do with anything?

- Dude, it has everything to do with it, man. If I can picture

myself playing tongue-ilingus with her, her food: fair game.

- Hmm. Actually, that's a good theory.

Mmm.

Did you see her boyfriend's ass?

Yum! Oh.

Joshua, Barb says if you want your trainee back, no probby,

she's yours.

- What? Thank you. What? Why are you smiling?

Yes, Alex is a she. So what? I'm only taking her back because

Godfrey assigned her to me. She's my responsibility. - Oh, she's your respon--

Bullshit, man! I know what you're fucking doing. It's a bad idea. All right?

You're going to go through the same thing with this girl

that you're going through with Jenny. Girls our age, they're not good for us, man.

They're all fucking full of agendas. It's all hassle.

- So, what, I should be going after teenie boppers like you?

- Pfft! Teenie boppers? Josh, where have you been, brother?

They're so old-news, man.

First of all, they're lousy in bed.

And second of all, they all have fucking severe ADD.

I was banging this one tart two weeks ago.

She was fucking Tweeting the whole time, man!

She's: "Oh. Now he's behind me. Oh. Now he's on top of me. Oh.

Tommy, can you stop so I can press Enter?"

Fuck that shit, man! My new obsession is

a little older and a whole lot wiser:

middle-aged moms.

Huh? Huh?

- And I'm done. - And I'm not talking your standard hot cougars

either, man. I'm talking, like, mom jeans, you know?

Tucked-in blouses.

And super-magnificent, fully formed,

apple-round gunt.

- "Gunt"?

- Yeah, man. Yeah. It's that super-sexy

area, you know, where the gut meets the-- - Whoa, whoa, I get it.

- Cunt.

And when it comes to the cock, these are the ladies that know their shit.

And they do it all, man. I'll be grazing anal all day long, and they fucking love it!

- That's very poetic. - I know, right?

The way I see it, we came out of these lovely ladies.

Isn't it about time we came in them?

- Hi, y'all! - Hi.

Two adults, five kids, please.

- Uh, so three adults and four kids.

- No, two plus five. Can't you hear me? - Kids are 12 and under, so...

- He's 12. You're 12, right?

- I need a drink. - Me too.

- That's cute. That's real cute.

Right this way. Oops. Watch the candies.

- Oh! OK, let's cut this silliness.

- Oh, God, no.

Don't turn left. Don't turn left!

- Don't turn right! Don't turn right!

- We're going to try over there, OK?

Roundy-round, here we go.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, keep going, Chrissy. Daddy likes that.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, Daddy likes that!

Keep going. - Oh, hey, Josh, Josh. OK. - Either you or me, partner.

- Well, I hope it's you, Barb. I mean, you're so good with kids.

- Mm-hmm. - Ow!

- OK. I think I'm going to put you guys over here, OK?

If you can just pry your little hands off me there.

- Shit! - Justice.

- Miss, excuse me. We like these two tables better.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong with the table? Don't not like the table. Love the table!

- Oh. Oh! Crossing the aisle. Crossing the aisle!

- Sorry, Joshua. Happy birthday. - Have some crayons.

- Don't forget the free refills, buddy.

- I am so fucked.

- Vas?

You, follow me!

- What are you doing? - I-- I--

- What are you doing?

- Why did you just say that... that word?

- I didn't mean for you to hear it. - Me?! It's not about me.

It's about your guests. They are paying good money

to have an evening out, yeah?

And they shouldn't have it ruined by some

swearing waiter! Isn't that right, Godfrey?

- Yeah. Yes. Yes, Franz, that is right.

That is definitely, definitely right.

You, Josh, of all people, should know better.

- Shame on you.

- You know, I am in fact quite disappointed in you.

I handpicked you to train our new hire tonight. Alex! Alex, wait.

Yes, I hand-picked you to train Alex tonight. But you know what?

I don't want you poisoning her mind.

- Poisonous. - With your poisonous

bad attitudes. For the rest

of the night, Alex, you're going to be

trained by Barb. - Yeah.

- Off you go. - [Franz]: Beat it.

- I understand you weren't scheduled to work tonight,

but too bad. - Yeah, too bad.

- Yes. You said yes, and here you are, and here you'll stay.

And if that means you have to stay here till the bitter end

tonight... then so be it!

You got me, son?

- Yeah, got it.

- Get out of here! Hit the rail! - Back to work.

- Giddy up! - Well, whew,

I'm really-- I'm so sorry you had to witness that. - I loved it.

- Yep, 12 and under, that's right.

OK, thank you very much. Bye bye.

Hi, y'all! - Yeah, hi.

Is Josh Stein working tonight? I'm a friend of his.

- You betcha Deputy Josh is on duty. Do you want to talk to him?

- No, no, no, no. The "Deputy" doesn't know that I'm in town, and I'd love to surprise him.

Is there any chance that me and my "posse" here could sit in his section?

- Well, his section's mostly full, and I just sat him a party, so...

- Well, maybe this will change your mind.

Just put us in his fucking section.

- Party of three, right?

- Yeah. - OK.

- Thank you.

- Dude, what's up your butt? You know, besides buckets of spunk.

- Not now, Tommy. My agent just called. I didn't get the part.

They said I didn't come off straight enough. - Or at all?

- Thanks for the support, Tommy. - Come on! Stop being such a girl, OK?

Shit, sorry, dude! Look, I can't help myself!

- Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, and then it skips

to 40 along the tables, right?

So 40 through 45. Not bad, huh?

- Wow. She can count. Parents must be very proud.

Hey, Joshy. Looks like you've got Donnie and Edna too.

- Hi! Yoohoo, Josh!

Here we are! - Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

- Aren't you, though? - Who are they? Regulars?

- World's worst: all work, no pay.

- Ow. Jeez, ow.

- Hi! Remember me? The one with the low blood sugar.

- How could I forget, Edna? - Edna! You remember my name!

I'm very flattered. Oh, my goodness.

Now, we're a little hungry. I know you're very busy,

but we have been sitting here for a while. So if you could

just, like, just hang here for a second--

- I just have to run this bread, and then I'll be right back to take your order, OK?

- Oh. Well, no, we're not ready to order yet.

What we would like is a basket of that lovely bread. But not those crappy rolls.

We like a French stick, don't we, Donnie? And,

if you have a second, we've got some questions about the menu.

- You eat here twice a week. You know as much about the menu as I do.

- Well now, what about substitutions? Can we make substitutions?

- You always do. - What did he say, Donnie?

- I-- I said it's up to you, young lady.

- Young-- Oh, you're so cute!

Now, just before you go, I just want to ask one more question.

The minced steak, is that sirloin chopped down or is that roast beef chopped down?

Because there's a big difference, you know.

- Yes. - Yeah. Is it? OK, so-- And does it have gravy?

Does it have gravy? - Yeah, of course, it has gravy.

- OK. They make the gravy here, do they? - It's here now.

- Still!Vas is that?

- Oh, it's apple juice. It's sort of a character-- - Let me smell it.

- It's just apple juice. - Put it down!

- Agh. Single?

Chrissy, you dumb fu--

- You!

- Me.

[Spurs jangling]

Listen, lady. Are you still angry? I can't tell.

Your expression never changes. - That's it.

I'm going to complain.

- You know what? You should. That doctor definitely has "some esplaining to do".

- No, I am going to complain to your manager.

- And you should. He is right over...

- Say it! Say it! - I am... proud.

- "I am proud to be part of Heindschlap Industries!"

- ...there. You know what? On second thought, I apologize

for my rude behaviour. Allow me to make it up to you.

- Ha! That's not possible.

- Look, whatever I said before--

- Sir! - Yes. Yes, Franz.

- Sir! - Come on! Stop being such a bi-- ah...

All right, listen! I'm kidding! - Yoohoo! Yoohoo! Oh, come here. Come here.

- Where are you looking? It's a customer. It's a customer. Go to the customer.

- I will-- OK, I will-- - Godfrey, put it down!

- OK. Thank you, Franz. I'll be right back. - OK, OK, lady.

Drinks are on me, OK? And... I'll give you my undivided attention.

I'll do anything!

Hey.

- Howdy, ma'am. Can I help you?

- I... would just like to say

that this waiter...

...is lovely.

- Thank you. Thank you. That's certainly a lovely comp--

That is a lovely compliment.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention. - Uh-huh.

- You keep up the good work. - Yes, sir.

- Bye.

- You really saved my ass.

- Get me a goddamn martini, right now.

- Right away.

- And put a straw in it.

- Sorry about that, Franz. Just a satisfied customer

wanting to express her satisfaction with the...

service. - Godfrey, may I speak to you in the office, please?

- Of course, Franz. Of course.

- Stop it. - It's my drawing! Let go!

- So that's three chuck wagon chicken fingers, three prairie

dogs, and two highfalutin' prime ribs.

- Uh-oh. I made a spill.

- Oh, uh-oh. I made a spill too.

- Those cups are horrible for children.

Look how easily they tip over! - I know. I'm sorry. - Kids,

why don't you go and wash up? And when you come back, the waiter is going to take you

to ride on the bull. - [Kids]: Yay!

- Yeah, the bull's actually for birthday boys and girls only, so--

- Yeah. It's their birthday-- all of them.

- Hmm? - And we want cake. And singing.

- And another drink.

[Slow clapping]

- What is the little one's name again?

- Very good. That was well handled.

- Sorry, gentlemen. I didn't see you there. - Ah. No worries, Deputy Josh.

It's exciting for us to see such an important lawman dispensing his own brand of justice.

And by "justice", I mean fries.

[Guys laughing] - Uh, have we met? - Oh, I don't think so.

Well, we clearly run in different circles.

I'm what you cowpokes would call a "city slicker".

[Guys laughing] - Waiter?

Waiter! Hurry! The table is soaked!

- Josh? Josh? We just have a few more questions about the menu.

- Bring us a bottle of your best champagne when you return.

See, tonight is a celebration.

I just landed a plum residency at St. Jude's. Gynecology.

That's right: I'm going to be elbow-deep in 'gina all day

and getting paid for it.

Boom. - Pssh!

♪♪♪

- That is Belvedere vodka, ma'am--one of our finest vodkas available.

- Toots, I know Belvedere, and that is not Belvedere.

- I saw the bartender pour it myself, ma'am.

Hm. I'll get you another. - And hurry up.

- So, Deputy Josh.

Do you have yourself a cowgirl, or are you just a lone ranger?

[Guys laughing]

- Yes, I've got a lady. We've been together for four years.

- Four years. Huh.

That's about the same length of time it takes for someone

to go to medical school, isn't it?

- Oh, I got it.

It's Chaz, right?

- Chase. But feel free to call me Dr. Van Haver.

- Yeah, you're Jenny's ex.

- Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny... Oh! Yes, Jenny Brooks.

Sure, I remember her. Well, actually, of course I do.

I mean, we had dinner together just last Tuesday.

[Camera clicks]

Nice.

Oh, you didn't know.

Well, don't worry. We were just catching up on old times.

By the way she was talking, I pegged you for a real loser.

But now that we've met, I can see that, well, she was being a little harsh.

Not only are you a nice guy, but I can tell you are one hell of a waiter.

- Do you know what you want? - Yeah.

Yeah, I want you out of the picture.

I'm back in town. I'm looking to pick up where I left off.

So why don't you do the right thing and ride your loser ass

off into the sunset?

[Cork popping] - Ow!

[Guys laughing]

- Thank you, Deputy Josh.

- Out with the old, in with the new, huh, Franz?

Well,

I guess you won't be needing this anymore.

[Fizzling out]

That was disappointing.

We've really got to stop watering the booze.

- Godfrey! Godfrey, I need

to talk to you, right now! - Occupied--

like Poland. - Godfrey, I'm not kidding.

This is important. - Don't care! I'm busy.

Go away. - No! I'm not leaving! Not until you talk to me.

- Mm-hmm. - Wait, no, I am leaving! That's what I came to tell you.

I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back. You hear me?

[Electricity zapping]

- Hey... Hey!

- Godfrey?

Godfrey?

Are you OK?

Aw, come on!

[Talking at once]

- What's going on? I have got orders to put in!

- He's rebooting the system. It'll be up in a minute. Just give him some space.

- What's the problem? This is unacceptable.

- I hear you, Franz. But you bought a company with 10-year-old computer systems.

Stuff like this happens. - What are you talking about, moron? We just--

- Hey, Barb! Why don't you stop talking for a minute and take Franz here into the dining room?

I'm sure we have guests who could use a reassuring word

from someone with your obvious people skills, huh?

- Franz, why don't you come with me? We'll put out some fires, buddy.

- What? There's a fire?

- So here's the lowdown: Uh, what are you doing here?

- I don't want to miss this.

- OK. Guys, Alex. Alex, Guys.

- Hi. - Yeah. How's it going? - OK. The door's locked,

he's lying on the ground, and there's a bottle in his hand.

- Oh, God. Is he alive? - Well, I think he's breathing,

but damn it, I'm a server, not a physician!

- Should I call an ambulance? - No, no, no. If we do that, Franz will fire his ass.

We just need to find a way to discreetly get in there,

check on him, and get the system up and running again.

- OK. But how? - The skylight. We can come in through the skylight. Remember

when those kids broke in last year and took a dump on every table? That's how they got in.

- I thought you were the one... - There's no proof.

- Guys, task at hand.

We can't get in through the skylight without a rope.

- Actually...

- [All]: Hmm.

♪♪♪

- OK, for the record, drawing straws is bullshit.

Hurry up!

- Dude, don't rush us, all right? These lights are

more tangled than an Asian girl's bush!

- Tommy, not in front of the lady! - No, it's OK. Strangely enough,

I was thinking the same thing. - Whoops!

- Oh, God! Hold up! Oh, this ain't right. Oof.

- Just a sec. I got it!

- Seriously?! - Yep, they work!

- Guys...

- Hey. Is that you, Jesus?

You know what? You know,

you look a lot like this guy that works for me--

except, of course, he's Jewish.

- It is me, Godfrey. And Jesus was Jewish too, so you know.

- That's funny, Jesus.

- All right. He's not dead,

although I might be if any more blood rushes to my head.

- OK, I almost have it.

- Whoa! Whoa! - Oh, shit!

[Retching and coughing]

- Ew! Oh, God! Oh, God, that's gross! - Ugh!

- [Tommy]: Dude, lay off the guacamole!

- The sucker is fried.

- Ugh, I still have the image in my head.

- Stop being such babies and get down here.

Godfrey. Godfrey, wake up.

How are you feeling? - Uh...

Ugh. Did I puke?

- Uh, yeah, you did.

- Oh, yeah, I can still taste it.

- OK, Godfrey, what's going on with you?

- Josh, do you know what 20 years

of dedicated service to Ranch Steakhouse gets you?

Do you? - Is it the horseshoes?

- No, it's a kick in the balls. You want to see?

- Your balls? Not particularly. - No, Josh! Not my balls.

No, this. Read that. Read it. Go on. Read.

[Sighing]

You know what? I wanted to own my own restaurant, you know?

I did, I did. I had all these big plans, you know?

This job was just supposed to be temporary. But I got...

I got stuck.

You know how I got stuck? It's all 'cause, you know what?

First comes love, then comes marriage,

then comes one horny night when you screw up all your dreams

by convincing your wife that pulling out is

an effective means of birth control.

Idiot.

Don't get stuck, Josh. Don't you get stuck.

No, you, you live the dream, Josh.

You live the dream.

Oh, that was close.

- Yeah, really. - That was close.

- What-- No. Godfrey? Godfrey, wake up.

You have to get back out into the restaurant.

♪♪♪

Good idea.

I wouldn't want to be here for this either.

♪♪♪

- Where have you been?! - OK, I quit. I'm done.

- Congratulations. Your new life starts tonight.

- Hey, this is kind of like a Romeo & Juliet-type thing.

- Ugh, I hate that movie. Come on, get up here.

- Hey, uh, random question, but

do you remember what you did last Tuesday night?

- Tuesday? No, I don't remember.

Why? What does it matter?

Let's just enjoy the night.

- It matters because I happened to run into--

- [All]: Surprise! - What is this?

- Happy birthday, Jim. - Happy birthday, Jim.

- Happy birthday! - Blow them out.

- But it says-- OK.

[Cheering] - Come on.

- Who the hell are all these people?

- They're our friends, Josh. People I work with.

You've met them before. Anyway, you'll be seeing a lot more

of them now that you're not working nights.

- Guess who. - Pop?

- Happy birthday.

Can you believe it? My boy is 25!

- Well, not until midnight, officially.

- Which is also officially the end of Josh's three years

of working. - I remember, Jenny, of course.

If Josh still wants to be a lawyer,

I'm willing to pay for everything now.

- Ah! Oh, my God, the day is finally here!

Sam, thank you so much. Josh can't wait to go back

to school. Can you, Joshy? - Well, he was always a great student,

especially in English. He loved creative writing.

Do you still write at all, son? - Oh, he's been writing

this blog about the restaurant, but that's all over and done with now, thank God.

- You knew about my blog? Are you--

- I saw it on your computer, but I never read it. It's not like it was paying the bills, right?

- Mmm, no. - Sorry to interrupt, Jim.

Jenny, is there any food coming out, or...?

- They haven't come around with more trays yet?! God,

these waiters have been dragging their asses all night!

- Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions. It's busy, and I don't see a lot of them

on the floor. Besides, could be the kitchen is backed up.

You never know, Jen. You've just got to give people a break. - OK, OK. Relax.

You quit. Enough. - Well, what is that supposed to mean?

- It means I'm sick of you fighting for the rights

of every pathetic schlub who pours you a coffee.

You're not one of them anymore;

you're one of us now.

- Hey...

why don't you open the present?

- Uh, I'm going to wash up and cool off.

I'll open it when I get back.

Jim? Who the fuck is Jim? - So, what did you get him?

- It's... for him.

- Face it: you're one of us now.

- You're not one of them anymore; you're one of us now.

- I am very interested in your ovens.

- What?

- Where's Joshua? Have you seen him?

- Not since the office, brother. I've been taking some of his tables. Man, are they shit!

- Ugh, this night is pure hell. - Achtung!

Uh, listen up, listen up.

Um, in case you do not know,

Godfrey is in violation

of Heindschlap Industries' policy. He is fired.

- What? - And unless

you want the same fate, you will do as I say.

I am in charge now.

Now, we have many hungry guests,

and you will serve them in an efficient manner.

Follow my orders, and you will be successful!

Now, everyone, get back to work! Schnell! Schnell!

Beat it! Get in there! - No! Everyone stay

right where you are! This meeting's not over.

- You! You are the one that lied to me. You are fired too. Go home.

- Just shut your Von Trapp, Franz. I've heard enough yelling

out of you for a lifetime. Tommy, can you? Please?

- What are you doing? Let go of me!

- Look, before you all rush off to do your jobs with unfaltering dedication,

I think you deserve to know something: we're all about to get fired!

- What?! - That's not true.

- In two weeks, our new German owners are shutting us down for renovations.

And when they reopen,

we all have to re-interview for our jobs.

- Fucking Germans! - I just saw it all laid out in a memo

from head office. Even Godfrey has to re-interview. That's why he's gone all crazy.

- What? - Fucking Germans! - This is standard procedure.

If you are good at your jobs, there's nothing to worry about! Nothing, nichts!Relax!

- OK, Franz, see, that's what all these guys are worried about.

- Hey, Oldy-locks. If I were you, I'd be worried most of all.

They're not just looking for fresh paint;

they're looking for fresh faces, which means your geriatric ass will be the first to go!

- [Franz]: Not necessarily. - Well, what do you want us to do, Josh? Just walk out?

I mean, we can't do that!

That's a sure way to guarantee we all get fired!

- Yeah! - We're all getting fired anyway!

The only question is do we go out as chumps,

or do we go out with a little dignity? - What are you thinking, Joshua?

- I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking tonight is our night.

- [Franz]: Nein,not tonight. Tonight is a bad night.

- For one night, let's not put up with the usual customer bullshit.

For one night, let's dish out

what we get dished! - Nein, nein, nein, nein!

I will not let you ruin the name of Heindschlap Industries! I will stop it!

- Ruin the good name of Heindschlap?

Please, I'm pretty sure that went out the out the window

when those kids in Michigan were born with two heads.

- Michigan? That was not our fault.

- Well, that's up for the jury to decide. In the meantime,

Tommy, can you lock this sour Kraut in the liquor room?

- I have Heindschlap Industries behind me!

- Be careful! Jesus!

[Grunting with effort]

- Ah!

- Get in there!

Yeah!

- Are you OK? - Feisty little fucker.

- All right, people.

We're servers, not servants.

And we're staring into a wide-open

window of opportunity here. We're not going to be given

a chance like this again. So I say,

for the rest of the night, don't take any more-- [Spraying]

Akbar? Akbar.

Could you give us a second, dudes?

As I was saying,

for the rest of the night, don't take any more crap!

No fake smiles,

no tucking our tails between our legs.

Tonight, if some jackass wants to come in here

and play big shot, I say we bring him

back down to earth in a real hurry!

So who's with me?! - [All]: Yeah!

- Power to the people! - Viva la revolucion! - Yes!

- El pueblo unido jamás será vencido! - What?

- El pueblo unido jamás ser-- In Spanish, that saying kicks ass! Let's go!

- OK! Yeah! - Kick ass!

[Shouting and cheering] - Kick ass!

- Howdy, gentlemen. Deputy Josh at your service. How y'all doing this evening?

Great! OK, well, I've got some great dinner specials to tell you about.

But before I get into all that, how about a drink to get you started.

Brewski? Glass of vino?

Circle jerk? Shot in the head?

Anything?

OK.

Your attention please!

It has begun.

- ♪♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh whoa oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh - Ugh!

- Oh no you didn't! You like to pinch, huh?

Ooh! Ooh! You'd better cut down on those carbs! You've got junk in the trunk!

- Hey, Puerto Rico! I still need those appetizers for table 2!

- Tonight, we fight! Put these on!

- ♪ Do this and do that to get our bodies movin' ♪

- What are you doing?

- Hey cowboys and cowgirls. Hot plates coming through.

Very hot. Fingers starting to blister.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! You think I'm standing here for my health?

Move that shit out of the way!

Jeez!

- ♪ We can feel our hearts beating ♪

♪ Come on let's let it out! ♪

♪ Because we're all just skeletons ♪

♪ Our bones will never break - Ow! Ow.

- OK, trainee. Keep it up. Atta girl. That's it.

Keep going. No, no! We're going this way!

- Ugh! - Oh! Find your happy place.

- ♪ We got a place to go

- Oh! Deputy Josh, a round of waters.

- Sure thing, big spender. Jugs are right over there.

[Guys laughing]

- Idiots! When I'M funny.

- Cowpoke calamari and bootleg bruschetta. Some people say "broo-SKET-ta".

- There you go. I ordered for you.

- What is this? We didn't order this!

Don't eat this!

- ♪ Whoa oh oh oh

♪ We can feel our hearts beating ♪

- If you guys want to break the rules, fine.

You can all get fired for all I care.

But I won't be any part of it.

- Now remember, you're 12.

- NITL!

Hi y'all! Can I help you?

- Yes. One adult and one kid, please.

- Sure. Oh, wait. Before I seat ya,

I gotta ask: this "kid" got any ID?

- Are you saying that I don't know the age of my own daughter?

- I'm saying get with the program. Chicky here looks old enough to drive.

- I just passed my driver's test. - Oh, really? LMFAO.

- What? - "Laughing my fucking ass off."

- What? Watch your mouth, Ashley! Now listen,

Missy. You are really trying my patience.

Give us a kids' menu and seat us immediately.

- Not happening. The kids' menu is for parents

with children 12 and under. It's not meant

for sorry-ass moms who don't want to pay

full price for their teenage daughter to eat.

You want McDonald's prices? Go to freakin' McDonald's!

FML!

[Man laughing] - Tracy, dear, shh.

I know it was traumatic, but you were never in any real danger.

I don't even keep bullets in the house! Oh, no, no!

Please, please don't leave them alone! I'll pay you dou--

This night is fucked. Simon, we have to let Franz go,

OK? It is kidnapping. It is a major felony.

- Shut up, Barb. I've got bigger problems.

[Laughing] You know what?

Watch this.

[Dialling]

Hello. Mr. Sarkofsky.

It's Simon from 11A.

Could you hold on a moment? There's someone who wants to speak to you.

- So I said to the guy, "Yes, this is my boat. Yacht's it to you?"

You get it? I said "yacht" instead of "what".

- Sir? It's for you.

- It's for me? Who is it? - It's my landlord.

I need you to explain to him exactly why I'm going to be short on my rent this week.

I tried telling him you gave me FIVE DOLLARS

on a $200 cheque,

but he simply doesn't believe me.

I assumed with the way you were playing with your Ferrari keychain all night

that maybe you could afford to eat here. Clearly I was mistaken.

- Hello?

I usually tip 20%, at least.

[Grunting with effort]

- Well, hello, Fraulein.

Ah.

♪♪♪ [Club music]

- Josh!

Josh, what are you doing in there? Oh, my God.

Josh, what are you doing?

Josh!

Josh!

Josh?

- This seems cruel. - Really? Unlike boiling it?

- OK, extra cruel, then. - Look, it's got to look cooked, dude.

[Cell phone vibrating]

[Beep]

- You just pressed ignore.

- Did I? - Yes, you did.

- Can we do this thing? - Ha ha ha! - Go!

- Here we are. Mmm!

Never fresher. You can practically smell the ocean!

- Just get me another martini.

- All right.

[Sniffing] Ah!

[Yelling] [Laughing]

[Yelling]

Oh, no!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- All right, you fucking perky little missy.

I am telling my husband about this place!

- Great! Be sure to tell your friends about us too.

- No, no, no! Wait!

You can't leave. - Get your hands off me.

- I am so sorry about what happened back there.

Our cook, Diego, he's Cuban. He's crazy.

He does things like this. Please don't leave. - Ha! I'm leaving.

I'm leaving! And I am bringing back

an entire team of city officials

to close this place down.

- No. You can't go. - Oh, I can't, huh? Why not?

- Because you're...

perfection.

- Pfft! You're just saying that

so you can take another knock at my face.

- I don't care about this. It's this heavenly handful of love

I'm talking about.

- Are you crazy?

My husband hates that. He says it makes me look

like a middle-aged mom.

- Oh... - I have to get it taken off.

I'm going under the knife again in two weeks.

- No! No, no, no, no!

You can't rid yourself of God's greatest gunty gift!

- Are you fucking serious?

- I've never been more serious in my life.

- ♪ Babyyyyy

- And for you, madam?

OK.

All righty. Yes? And just say when.

Oh, I can see that you could use some more water here.

I'll get my apprentice to get it for you right away. Alex?

- I got it. - Thank you, dear.

[Laughing]

Ah...

Carpal tunnel's really setting in. That's all right.

I've got pills for that.

- Hello again.

- Hello to you. Are you enjoying your first night?

- You mean my last night?

- Oh, I wouldn't count yourself out just yet. You're new.

You probably still have a chance of getting rehired. - Unlike you?

- Yeah. I'm toast, for sure. - So, now that you're fired,

what do you plan on doing with your time?

- Well, if this doesn't land me in jail--which it might-- I'm law-school-bound.

- Wow. Law school.

- Yeah. Well, I'd be there already if my father didn't force me

to work for three years first. He thinks it'll build

character or something. - That's really smart.

- Really? It always seemed kind of pointless to me. - No,

not at all.

Jeez, I wish my parents had slowed me down.

Maybe I wouldn't have wasted the past few years of my life.

You know, I know you can't tell by my bitchin' rhinestone shirt,

but up until a few weeks ago

I worked at a big investment firm. - Investment firm?

- Yeah. - Man, that is terrible.

I don't blame you one bit for being pissed at your parents.

- Ha ha. I'm just saying, you know, maybe if they'd

forced me to explore my options, I would have

taken the time to find out what made me truly happy.

- Which is what? This? - Well, I don't know yet.

But I do know that the last time I was truly happy,

I was waiting tables, putting myself through school.

So I quit the firm, came back here--

- Oh, you're doing a hell of a job. Get a fucking room!

- Yeah, that's my bad. - She's like the weird uncle at Christmas. Just ignore her.

- Tommy's getting ready. Who do you have working the table?

- I was going to do it. - No. He'll be on to you

in a second. We need someone he won't suspect.

- Well, he's gonna know it's me anyway.

- Yeah, but he might not go for it if it's you. - I can do it.

- No way. You're not getting involved in this one.

Besides, you don't even know what we're talking about.

- I don't care. I'll take the risk.

- Oh, I like this girl.

- What are you looking at, you bastards?

Stop looking at me!

I try and I try and try, you dirty twat!

You're watching me and you're judging me!

You want to see something now? Want to see it,

you dirty swine?

♪♪♪

- You're a very pretty girl.

What, no "thank you", no

"I appreciate the compliment"? - Finished?

- You're our third waiter tonight. Where's Deputy Josh?

- Coffee? Tea, anyone?

- Oh, I'll take you. - Excuse me?

- Well, aren't waitresses supposed to say, "Coffee, tea, or me?" Because,

well, I would take you in a heartbeat.

[Guys laughing]

- You've got the wrong girl. - Well, that's a shame,

because you could have had the right guy.

You skank!

You did that on purpose.

- You touched me.

[Guys laughing] - Hey, shut up!

Shut up.

- Where are you going? It's time!

- Yeah. Change of plans. Something I gotta do.

You take my place. - No. I can't.

I don't have it in me, not today. I'm too fragile.

- This is your moment, Simon!

You were born for this.

It's your destiny.

[Heavenly chiming]

Gotta go.

- Ahhh.

[Deep voice]: Nothing beats a good piss.

Except for maybe pussy.

I sure do loves the pussy.

How about you, friend? You like pussy?

- Sure, I guess. It beats the alternative.

- I hear ya.

Cock...

Gross.

Had a little accident?

- No, actually a waitress spilled gravy on me--on purpose.

- Pff. [Normal voice]: Terrible.

[Deep voice]: A waitress, of all people.

Who does she think she is? - Well, she's going to find out

who she is in a few minutes, I can tell you that much.

- Pff. Good man. Sock it to her.

- Yeah.

- You should make the restaurant pay for a new pair.

Better yet, the waitress.

- Yeah, I think I will. That's a good idea.

What? What?

- If you don't mind me saying so, friend,

your breath could use a freshening.

Smells like you already ate some pussy.

[Chuckling]

- Well, it smells fine to me.

- OK, don't take my word for it.

But I'd stay clear of the ladies tonight just the same.

- What the fuck is wrong with that guy?

- Eh?

- Well...

No cups. Tsk.

- Three, two, one.

- What the...?

[Gargling]

- Oof!

- [Josh]: One, two, three! Ugh! [Laughing]

- [Simon]: What does it look like, guys?

- [Josh]: It looks like a douchebag in a dumpster.

[Laughing]

- Ugh.

- And they said I couldn't play straight.

- Well, screw them. What do they know?

[Suspension squeaking] [Grunting]

- Who's that?

- [Tommy]: Oh, give me! Give me the gunt!

Give me the gunt! Gunty gunters!

- He went right up and over. How about you?

- Hey, you're back. That's so nice of you, considering you are my trainee!

- Barb, I'm sorry. - And where the hell is Tommy? His tables are freaking out!

- He'll be back in a minute. He's just...

unloading something. - Yeah, relax,

Barb. Stress is a killer for women your age, right?

- Oh, lick me, you little shit. I'm not a transient

at this profession like the rest of you. I have kids to feed.

- You don't have kids; you have animals.

- What did you just say to me? - You heard me:

your kids are animals. Hell, I wouldn't

be surprised if they're throwing feces at each other right now.

- OK, that happened one time, OK?

- Uh, Barb, listen to yourself. You're not a mother;

you're a doormat. And you know, just because you let your kids treat you like shit

doesn't mean you have to come in here every day and take it out on us!

- Ow! Stop it. Mom, Dad-- - He started it first, not me!

Tell him to stop! Ow!

- Oh, yeah! Direct hit! Direct hit!

- You're such a baby! Mom! - Ha ha! Ha ha!

- OK! Shut those fucking kids UUUUUUUUP!!

Look around you. Huh?

Can you not see that they are disturbing the entire restaurant?

I know kids are really a handful.

Believe me--ha ha!-- I know.

But you don't see me taking my kids out in public.

Why not? Because I wouldn't subject that shit show on anyone!

For fuck's sake!

The whole world shouldn't have to suffer so that you two ass-clowns

can enjoy a nice evening out! We are not your

goddamn babysitters! We...

are waiters!

[Laughing]

- [Josh]: Yeah! Go Barb!

- You go, girl!

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Coffee?

- Good for her.

Some people are just so clueless.

OK, where were we? So we each had wine,

but you had an extra glass, and I didn't have as much

of the appetizer we were supposed to split,

and--oh!--you did have a bite of my entrée, so--

- Darlene? Put

the calculator away before I shove it up your ass.

- Andrea... - Don't "Andrea" me.

Every time we go out, I somehow end up paying more than you.

- Really? I never realized.

- No, no, you realized. You're just a cheap whore.

- Oh! I am not a whore.

- Come on. Come on. - Bye. Thanks for coming.

- Don't come back soon. - Robert!

- Way to go, Barb-a-licious! - Thanks.

- Nice work. Here's your medal.

[Loud fart] - No! Tom-- - Yeah, baby! Yeah!

- Ugh! Fuck off! - Oof!

- Oh, no way!

- That is your last cuppy, Tommy!

- [Simon]: She got your bobber!

- My balls are numb. My balls are numb.

I can't see straight. You almost killed me!

- I still might.

- It's tragic, but I guess this is our last night as a team, eh, guys?

- Ah, don't worry, man. It's just a minor setback.

We're all going to find jobs somewhere else. Hey, I hear

Doozie's is hiring. - Doozie's?

I love their uniforms. Ooh! I'm in.

What about you, Joshua? - Ah, of course he's in. - Nah, he's going to law school.

- Come on, partner. I feel a rant coming on!

- Bye.

- What was she talking about? - Well,

um... gentlemen,

I'm afraid it's time for this cowboy to leave the Ranch

for good. I'm done.

- Whoa, whoa. Reverse those wagon wheels, brother.

What are you talking about? You are not done.

- Yes, I am. In fact, the only reason

I even came in here tonight was to quit.

- So you're just going to leave, and that's it? - Well, I didn't want

to make a big deal of it. I mean, come on,

this is a waitering job. It's all just temporary.

- So this really wasn't an all-for-one, one-for-all type of scenario, was it?

I mean, you were already quitting, so it was actually our jobs you were sacrificing.

- Yeah, Joshua.

Not cool.

- Hey, I didn't force anybody to do anything.

I was just telling it like it is.

- Yeah, like it is for us,

not you.

♪♪♪

- ♪ How can a girl love a boy who's so far away? ♪

- I am so very sorry.

- No, it's my bad. I should have told them a long time ago.

- So, why law school? Do you really want to be a lawyer?

- Sure. It's all I've ever wanted.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

Say what you want, but I simply do not believe

that being a lawyer is what you really want to be.

- We just met. How could you possibly know that?

- So being a lawyer is the one and only thing that would make you truly happy?

- That's not what I said.

- So what is it? What do you dream of doing?

- It doesn't matter.

I'm going to law school, and that's that.

- So if it doesn't matter, then why don't you tell me? Go. Fast. Tell me. Right now.

Don't think of anything else. Go. Before you can think. Let's play this game.

- A writer. - A writer?

- Yeah. - That's great.

Ditch law school. You have to do that, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

- No. No, no, no, no. What I'll regret is giving it a shot

and then finding out the hard way that I'm not any good.

- So what?

- OK. Look, Alex, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but I'm having trouble taking advice from someone

who quit her high-paying finance job to wait tables.

- Yeah, there's, um, there's nothing wrong with waiting tables.

- Really? You want to end up like Barb?

Well, Your Majesty, let me just fucking heat it up for ya!

- Well, um, I could do with being a little less bipolar,

and having better hair.

But no, there's nothing wrong with what Barb does for a living.

Did you know that in some countries,

being a server is a highly distinguished position?

- Well, I hate to break it to you, Alex, but in good old North America, being a waiter is

equated with being a flat-out failure.

- Huh. Um...

Wow, you really have a way with words.

[Shouting from within]

I'm a bad boy!

[Sobbing] Ah! I like that!

Blood. Sweet blood.

Oh! That's good! Yaaah!

I'm a bad boy! [Shouting]

You dirty bad boy!

Swine, you swine, you dirty swine!

Dirty swine! [Yelling]

♪♪♪ [Rock music]

- Does that seem odd?

- Uh... What are you doing here?

- How dare you! Do you know how hard I worked to plan that party?

How could you just walk out like that?

- Now, Jenny, I'm sure he has a good reason.

You do, son, right?

- Uh... I thought I did.

- That's it? That's your excuse? "I thought I did"?!

Oh, my God. All I can say is it's a good thing that you're through with this place,

because it's made you into a total selfish jerk!

- Speaking of selfish jerks, I got a chance to finally meet Chase this evening.

That's her ex. Nice guy.

Stopped in here tonight to burn a pentagram on my skull.

Oh, and tell me that he went on a date with Jenny last week.

- Ugh. It wasn't a date; it was dinner! And the only reason I even went--

besides the fact that he's actually free at night--was because I wanted him to see

how good I was doing. I wanted to brag about you. - Maybe I just don't understand

the definition of the word "brag", because according to him

you said I was a loser. - I never said you were a loser.

I just told him the truth: that you were nearly 25,

didn't own a thing, and you worked as a waiter. Can I help it if he got "loser" from that?

- Well... you could have at least told him I'm funny.

- Sorry, it escaped my mind. If I see him again, I'll tell him.

[Door opening] - Where's Josh Stein? You!

- Chase? - What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

- Well, there he is. Tell him I'm funny now. Oof!

- Oh, my God! - Nice manoeuvre, you little shit! Get up!

- Hey! You leave my son alone! - I'm going to kick your ass.

- I don't think so, striped-shirt.

- Uh-oh. Another deputy. Whatever should I do?

- You should shut your fucking mouth, bitch! That's what you should do!

- You. - Hi there. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, no.

You've got your daddy and a bunch of minimum-wage morons protecting you. I'm shaking

in my boots. Well, guys,

congratulations. You're all stuck in nothing jobs,

living nothing lives, amounting to absolutely nothing.

- Yeah, you're right! Now I'm going to pound your face

into nothing, so maybe we'll have something in common, huh?

- Screw you. - Screw me? Yaaaaai-- - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the hell is going on? Can't I lapse into a brief coma

without everything falling apart?

- Are you the manager? - That's debatable

at this point, but let's just go with yes. - I don't know where you have

been all night, dickface, but you should know

that your staff is completely off the deep end.

Not only have they been humiliating your customers every chance that they get,

but they physically assaulted me. In fact, you know what? I'm about to call the cops.

- Oh, don't-- Come on-- Who would assault you?

Barb? - No! - No, he did. I think.

But they were all involved. Even... twinkle-toes here.

- Did you just say, "I think"? - Well, I didn't see who did it, numbnuts. They ambushed me.

- All right. Well, you've got witnesses for this ambush?

- Witnesses? - Yeah.

- What, you think I did this to myself?

- Maybe, I don't know. I did this to myself.

- That's true, he did. - Yeah. So there.

- You're going to believe these dipshits over me.

- Well, yeah. You see, actually, I really like these people,

and you I'm finding unusually unpleasant.

So, yes, you call your police, and you talk to them,

and it'll be your word against ours.

- Fine. - OK.

- Have your one victory in life.

Enjoy it,

'cause it won't last.

You picked a real winner here, Jenny.

I hope the two of you are very happy together.

- Woof! - Out of my way!

- OK, Josh. Let's go. - Yeah. Off you go, Josh.

You have a great birthday. We'll see you in a few days. Aha. - You still haven't quit?

What the hell is the matter with you? - Quit? Why would he quit?

- Because, as crazy as this sounds,

Josh doesn't want to be a waiter anymore. No, he's done

stuffing your heart-clogging food down people's throats. - We do salads.

- That's not the point. - Well, I just think people have a choice.

- No, it's time for Josh to grow up and do something real with his life,

not live in this prolonged adolescence that you call a job.

- Let me at her! Fucking-- - Whoa, whoa! Come on!

- OK. - All right, point taken.

Well, I guess you should be on your way, Josh.

But on behalf of everyone here,

I just want to say it has been a pleasure.

- All right, good enough. Come on, Josh. Let's go.

Josh, come on! Now!

♪♪♪

- Here.

- What's this?

Your LSATS!

You didn't tell me they came in. - I guess I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to law school-- not now, not ever.

- What?

- I want to be a writer. It's all I've ever wanted.

I just didn't have the guts to give it a shot until tonight.

So you can keep those scores. I don't need them.

- But how are you going to make money? - Well, I'll...

I'll keep waiting tables.

- Yeah! Uh, uh, uh, uh!

- I'm good at it.

And... I think I even kind of like it.

- I don't want to be with someone who serves people anymore.

No, I want to be with someone who gets served,

someone important, someone they throw big

black-tie parties for.

Waiters don't get to go to big black-tie parties, Josh.

Well, actually, they do, but through a separate entrance.

- Ha! Oh, snap! - She means us, asshole.

- Goodbye, Josh.

Good luck.

You're an idiot!

- [Godfrey]: OK, everybody. Show's over.

Why don't we all get back to work? Here you go, Sam. - Thank you.

- Oh, Josh, I gotta tell you, I really think you blew it with that one.

That woman is an angel.

- Here. Happy birthday.

♪♪♪

- ♪ Years from now - My blog?

- ♪ They will make water

♪ From the reservoir

- You're Trubleever?

- Mm-hmm.

- So if you knew I was supposed to be a writer,

why didn't you just tell me? - I couldn't just tell you that.

You had to figure that out for yourself.

- How lucky am I, huh?

I ended up with the only Jewish father who doesn't want his son to be a lawyer.

♪♪♪

- Whoa. Dude, watch where you're going.

- Alex, I gotta tell you, that was so satisfying to train you.

I want to thank you so much. - Really?

- No, you really sucked ass, OK? You took years off my life. Here's a dime.

- This is the best night I've had in years.

- Oh, my God, me too. - Ménage à trois, boys! Ha!

Weird. So how'd you do, Simon?

- Super-duper, same as always.

- What? You always make this much money? - Yep.

I don't need a special night to speak my mind.

Gay guys get away with saying bitchy shit to people

all the time. They just eat it up.

- Balls. Wish I was a gay man. - You're not?

- Tommy! [Cell phone ringing]

Hi. Put him on! Owen,

if you and your brother don't go the fuck to bed right now,

Mommy is coming home and going to spank you like it's 1950, you got me?! I love you!

[Tommy laughing] - Yeah you did.

- Dude, you took some really big steps today, brother. - Thank you.

- Yeah. There's only one thing left for you to do.

- Really? What's that?

- Join the rodeo! [Cheering]

- Whoa!

- Oh, no! Oh, no!

[Cheering]

- Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

- Woo!

- I can't stop it! It's broken! - What?

- Ah!

- Woo, Josh! - Jeez!

- [Josh groaning]: I'm good...

- [Godfrey]: Now, I thought you'd said he left.

- [Josh]: That wasn't accurate. OK, Franz, let me just start off

by saying we're really, really sorry.

- No, don't look at me! - Don't look at me!

Close the door. Close the door!

Close the door! Close it.

- [Tommy]: Fucking Germans...

- You are my brother. You are good.

- I love you, Franz. - Yes, I love you too.

- OK. - Goodbye, Godfrey.

- [Godfrey]: All right.

Well, your jobs are all safe.

That is, of course, assuming you still want to work here.

- Where else would we go? - Well, you know,

I have an idea, inspired by these customer comment cards

that normally contain nothing but drawings of boners

but tonight have customer comments in them.

And, of course, a few boners.

But it would seem that the people loved

what they saw and heard here tonight.

- Really? - Yeah! They did, they loved it.

All the insults, the abuse, the neglect, the shenanigans--

they seemed to think it was some kind of theatre. So I say

fuck Heindschlap Industries.

There's no way I'm letting those child-mutating bastards

in on this. This is a great concept

for a new restaurant.

For our new restaurant!

- Ours? - Yes, ours!

So, what do you say? Should we open our own restaurant? - [All]: Yeah!

- Open our own restaurant?

If you guys aren't into it, that's fine. Oh, never mind.

All right, you talked me into it. Let's do it.

- But... what are we going to call the place?

- Whew. Uh...

♪♪♪

- Well, Trubleever-- I mean, Dad--

I'm happy to report that not going back to school was

the smartest decision I ever made.

- Awesome. This is awesome.

- ♪ First day in the new hometown ♪ - It's only been six months,

and I've already got my first book published.

OK, self-published, but still, I've sold a few copies.

Nice! And we're just days away from our grant opening.

I didn't think we'd be able to pull this off, but it's been

smooth sailing ever since Tommy found us our investor.

- Could you tell that sweet little stud muffin over there to move his ass?

- Will do.

[Loud fart]

Uh... he might be a minute. As for my love life...

- Are you accepting applications?

- Yes. But my girlfriend won't let me hire hot chicks. She's incredibly jealous.

- Hm. Good for you I can keep a secret. - Yeah?

...well, things are looking up there too.

- Ooh! Look, Donnie, a new place! Isn't that exciting?

I can't wait to see what the menu is.

- Will you stick a sock in it, Edna? - Pardon?

- You're always shooting off your damn mouth!

- Well, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to ask

my scrapbooking girlfriends to come on opening night.

You can just stay home and watch the game!

♪♪♪

- ♪♪ Well, me and my friends we work in places

♪ Where we can't argue or make funny faces ♪

♪ And the bosses are always on top of our cases ♪

♪ But we take it, yeah we take it, oh we take it ♪

♪ Some of us are doctors or artists and musicians ♪

♪ Who can't quite bring our lives to fruition ♪

♪ We used up the money on the college tuition ♪

♪ Now a dead-end job is the price of ambition ♪

♪ Not just a waiter, number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater, that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said, "You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Well, they told me to go and get a good education ♪

♪ So I did, do I get some kind of congratulations? ♪

♪ I mean, I got a BA and a bad attitude ♪

♪ And those go together like people and food ♪

♪ But I don't want to sound like I'm so full of myself ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my choice to live this way and nobody else's ♪

♪ I mean, if I wanted to leave I could leap like a frog ♪

♪ But why risk drowning when you're safe on a log? ♪

♪ Not just a waiter, number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater, that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said, "You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ So if you're looking for me I'll be here for a while ♪

♪ As long as I'm working will be as long as I'll smile ♪

♪ And as long as the boss is Hitler I'll heil ♪

♪ I don't want any black marks to appear on my file ♪

♪ But I got no benefits I got no plans ♪

♪ If the kitchen's too hot I'll just go get a fan ♪

♪ And I'll watch all the girls go by in their tans ♪

♪ But I won't spill your drinks I got such a steady hand ♪

♪ Not just a waiter, I'm number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater, that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said, "You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Not just a waiter, number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater, that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said, "You're not just a waiter, no" ♪

♪ Yeah ♪