Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) So...

What about Rita? Your dad ran off with her

Maybe they came back to England.

Give it a rest. You're volunteering at an haulage company.

I've made a business plan.

It'll make our wedding fund back by Christmas.

"Mr Campbell, you can't work on the shop floor."

"24 hours...

or wee Glen gets the photo."

(GRUNTS) (ROARS)

It's a warning, Lee. Someone don't want us to find him

It's on, Dad.

We're coming for ya. (SIGHS)

Thank you. (DOOR CLOSES)

(LIVELY, GRAND MUSIC)

Glen...

Your presents have arrived.

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) (SIGHS)

What's that?

Morning. Erm, you're up early.

Well, brick through a window makes a man vigilant, so...

Mmm. Yeah. Right.

Yeah, we're getting that fixed. So, erm...

What presents? Oh.

Er... it's nothing. (CHUCKLES) Nothing?

Yeah. No. Just erm...

Just gifts for my mum for her new flat.

So, Glen's bought your mum some presents for her new flat?

Exactly. Yeah. Right, OK.

(CHUCKLES) Kirst?

Where's the, er...

What's all those? It's your presents, Glen.

My...? Er, yeah. Yeah. Th- The gifts.

For Sue. For mum. For her new flat.

You bought 'em.

Did I? Yes! You- We did. Remember?

No. I don't remember.

Why don't I remember?

You need to get some Omega-3 down you, mate

cos, er, cognitive decline is no joke.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! God. Yeah, I do remember.

Yeah. Sorry, it's, er, my- Mind like a whatsit, thingy.

Mmm. (SIGHS)

Well, I'll wait outside.

(DOOR OPENS) Sorry, love.

What with everything going on, I forgot.

You will be very sorry later. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not quite sure about... Oh!

OK. No. Well, we can return that.

But the main thing is we're doing it.

Properly. Mmm. Why is there a wig?

Oh, it's for me to build a character.

I've GOT to build a character, Glen. Do you?

Yeah! You know, it's role play!

Just- Just try it, love. You might like it.

(HORN HONKS) Oh. Better go.

Have a great first day. Yeah.

Ooh. Mwah. (CHUCKLES) Say hi to Uncle Ron.

# Take care of business for me...

Chastex hot cage...

Ooh, crikey! (LAUGHS)

# Take it from me, take it from me #

Lee, are we sure about this? Cos it seems a bit-

Calm down, Glenda.

We're just looking for the old man, nothing dangerous.

Just a little mooch about, that's all.Alright. Yep, yeah.

Right.Yeah. You ready?

Mmm. Oh, ahhh! Uh...

I've just got to message Aysha. You're the manager now.

You can bunk off whenever you want. Yeah, I'm not bunking off, Lee.

I've taken a half day's compassionate leave, actually, so... Wait, wait!

Wait. Lee. Lee?

Lee? OK. We'll say we're here to speak to Rita Cusanelli. Right?

Ask if she has any information about Don Campbell. Say we're his sons.

I'll say I'm Glen Campbell, you say- Yeah, I know me fuckin' name, Glen.

I want this doing right, Lee.

This might be the last chance we've got to find Dad.

Just... follow my lead.

Yeah? (CLEARS THROAT)

Erm, hi. Yes?

Ah. Erm... We- We-

We, erm... We're...

We're doing a survey. We're from the Council.

Council? Yes, the council.

You're Rita Cusanelli? Glen... (YELPS)

Show her your ID. (GRUNTS)

We wanna know your thoughts on potholes and that.

So... why not?

Allons-y, fellas.

(UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC)

Shoes off. House rules.

What the fuck are you doing, Lee? This is like fraud, or-

We're in, ain't we? Yeah but what if she read my lanyard?

Nobody reads the ID, Glen. Especially not yours,

You're 5'5" in an M&S cagoule. Alright, but what-

Listen, she fuckin' hates potholes.

We're giving her a chance to vent, alright?Right.

(CLOCK BONGS)

How about I fix you boys a drink?

Dirty Martini? Oh. Er...

It's quite early. (CHUCKLES) Oh! Dry Martini?

No. I'm off the sauce.

Fine. Just agua con limone. (QUIETLY) Are you?

Yeah. Cleaned up me act.

Oh.

Sorry. Fresh out of lemons.

But who can tell the bloody difference, hey?

(MUMBLES) Yeah. So...

Who are you? And what do you want?

Well, yeah, er, so, so, er, potholes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You I might believe, but Hairy Maclary here...

(FLY BUZZING) (THWACK)

Put a suit on a gorilla and I'd be more convinced.

So, what is this all about, then?

And if you're thinking of pilfering my silverware,

I should warn you,

Tom Jones is looking after me.

Hmm? (WHISTLES)

(FAST FOOTSTEPS)

(BARKING)

Shh, shh.

Why's he called Tom Jones?

That man is our finest entertainer.

Oh, don't worry. He's fine as long as I'm here.

I know his safe command.

One of Tom's greatest hits!

Which one?

Well, that would be telling, wouldn't it?

Erm... (CLEARS THROAT) We're- We're-

We're here looking for Don. Don Campbell?

Erm... It's family business. (CHUCKLES) We're his sons.

Oh my God.

We understand you were close.

You look just like him.

That neck, like a...

Like a rolled ham.

Er, sorry. So, er... Did you live together?

Cos we don't really know where he went after Tenerife.

Ancient history, boys.

I'm afraid I rather put him in a box.

So've we, my darlin'. We cremated the cunt.

Turns out he ain't even dead. (SNARLING INHALE)

So, we've got some questions. (CHUCKLES)Yeah.

Don was my lover for a time.

And then one morning, I woke up, rolled over,

and what do you know, he'd gone.

There's still a duffle bag of his somewhere.

(LOW GROWLING) Mm-hmm.

It's in the loft or the garage, I can't remember.

Where did he go? Don't know.

You'd better ask the Kelsoc crowd.

I doubt he settled down.

Couldn't find peace after what happened.What happened?

I think you boys had better leave.

H- Hang on, sorry- Look, I can't stand around chatting.

I've flooded my basement!

Er... Washer dryer again.

I should call a plumber. It's like the fucking Ganges down there.

Sorry, we- DON'T fucking mess with me!

No one's fuckin' messin' with ya.

We just want some intel. Yeah.

Tom! (BARKS)

Shall we just go? Let's- Yeah.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Ciao, ragazzi.

It's been a blast.

If you turn to page nine,

you'll see that cost-to-profit is running at 6.3%,

and I believe we can improve.

I believe that, with your help,

we can make big change.

Talking to me?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. Sorry! Erm...

First day of a new job, so I'm just practising.

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Oh, right.

Ah.

You look the part. Mmm!

Just like that, erm...

Oh, what's her name?

Deborah Meaden.

But younger. (SIGHS) Oh. Do you know?

That's exactly what I was going for.

How kind of you. Thank you.

Thank you for that. (SIGHS) Yeah. Yeah.

Lovely. Aww. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Lovely.

(CHUCKLES)

Show us your feet.

Oh.

Oh, no!

No. Absolutely not.

No thank you at all.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Fuck!

Chill out, Stroppy Giuseppe! Sorry.

We just need to get hold of that duffel bag.

Now, she said it was in the loft or the garage.

What? D- Do you mean, like, break in?

She's got evidence of dad, Glen. You wanna track him down or not?

You go in the garage. Alright?

There's a little side window. Alright? You'll slip right in.

OK. Mmm.

If you find anything, you need to let me know, give me a signal.

I don't wanna be in there any longer than I need to be.

Signal? What signal? I can do a bird noise.

Shall I do a bird noise? I can do a wood pigeon like... (COOS)

Just phone me.

Oh, right. Yeah.

(DRAMATIC RHYTHM)

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY)

(TUNEFULLY) Hello? (CHUCKLES)

(REVERSE BEEPING)

Hi, there! I'm Kirsty Wallace.

I'm here to- I know.

I'm Pam. Sorry, Dan?

Pam.

As in Pamela.

As in I am a woman.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Yes! No, yes.

Well, absolutely. Me too. (LAUGHS)

What is it? The gay haircut?

No, That's not a- Flat chest?

I don't think that- I- Don't you?

No, I think they look love...ly.

Wha-? Er, so sorry. Erm...

Pam, could you help me find my desk?

Just because I'm gonna drop my bag down,

I- I'll find Ron if he's about,

and just run him through the business plan. (CHUCKLES)

Plan?

Er, yes. Cost saving strategies,

erm, some streamlining ideas.

It's exciting stuff. Yeah.

Hold that. Yeah. OK. No problem.

(STRAINS) Right. (GRUNTS)

Yep. Ooh. OK.

I get it. Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Listen, love. Yeah?

I have been here since day dot,

and you're not six foot through that door and you wanna change things?

No, no. No. Oh, no. I didn't mean...

There is no desk.

Everything you need is in the bog room.

The bog room! Oh.

The room with the bog in it?

It's fuckin' filthy, mind.

You might wanna give it a wipe first.

Right.

Act... (CHUCKLES) So- Sorry.

Sorry, Pam. Er, I think- I think we've got some crossed wires

because erm... (METAL DOOR SLAMS)

(LOW, FUNKY MUSIC)

(QUIETLY) Lee?

Lee?

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERED YELL) Lee!

(LIGHT BUZZING)

(LOW, FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) OK.

(SIGHS)

(FUNKY MUSIC FADES OUT)

(SIGHS)

(WOMAN'S VOICE ECHOING)

(VOICE ECHOES LOUDER)

"This is actually what he won in the 1921-"

Oi, Ron! That woman's here.

She's brought a business plan.

Oh, crikey. Keep her busy, will ya?

(GROANS)

(VOICE CONTINUES ECHOING)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Found some more.

(SIGHS) OK.

Good luck.

(DOOR SQUEAKS, CLOSES)

(LOW, FUNKY MUSIC RESUMES)

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTS)

(YELPS) Fuck.

(FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING)

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) Ooh.

Can I help you?

(PANTING)

I noticed that your gutterin' was a bit loose.

My guttering is fucking immaculate.

What?

(LIVELY, PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL)

# TOM JONES: Help Yourself #

Oooooh... # Love is like candy on a shelf

(GRUNTING)

# You want to taste And help yourself

# The sweetest things Are there for you

# Help yourself Ha!

# Take a few Oh.

Yes! # That's what I want you to do

(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL)

# We're always told repeatedly Pick up, Lee.

Fucking pick up, Lee.

(GROANING) # The very best in life is free

(PHONE BUZZING, STOPS)

(COOS) # And if you want to prove it's true

(COOING) # Baby, I'm telling you

# This is what you should do

(COOING)

Fuckin' 'ell!

(SONG CRESCENDOS) # Just help yourself

# To my lips, to my arms (SCREAMS)

# Just say the word And they're yours

(BOTH MOANING)

It's Not Unusual! # Just help yourself

She's A Lady! # To the love in my heart

Delilah!(GROWLING) # Your smile has opened up the door

Green, Green Grass of Home! (SCREAMS) (MOANS)

# The greatest wealth that exists (STRUGGLING)

Sex Bomb!

Ooh! Er, What's New, Pussycat?

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Huh. Ahh! (THUD)

(MOANING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Where the fuck were ya? (MUSIC STOPS)

I tried calling you. I nearly got torn to shreds!

What?

Nothing.

Alright. What's in the bag?

There's not much. There's an old video tape,

a shit load of chewing gum, and then these.

Hang on, Kel. Kel. She said that, didn't she?

K- Kelsoc? "Ask the Kelsoc lot."

This is it. This is next stop.

We need to find out what this Kelsoc is.

In the meantime, we see what's on that tape.

Right, well, I don't have a tape player.

I mean, who even has a tape player nowa...

BOTH: Sue.

Lovely. Then what we need to do is...

(HACKING) What are you-?

(COUGHS)

It's nothing. It's just a hair in me mouth.

Can we fuckin' drive, please? Yes!

Oh, shit. I need to get to work!

(UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC)

(VOICES ECHOING)

We're not getting involved.

Ron, listen.

Sooner or later, I'm gonna be running this place, yeah?

We need the cash.

Not from the El Baz lot.

We'll give them back their pallets. End of.

Don't pout, Bunny.

You're 52.

(TUTS)

(PHONE DINGS)

(SIGHS)

"Think you can ignore me, Kirsty?"

(WHISPERS) Who even are you?

"Time's almost up.

You'll meet me tonight,

or wee Glen gets the photos." (GASPS, FARTS)

Ooh.

Listen. I'm off.

I'm on duty tonight. Oh.

Army cadets instructor.

Erm... Well, thank you...

for your service.

That's Ron's. Giz it.

I- I'll make sure I give it to him.

(ROBOTICALLY) Whether natural fibre or synthetic,

we cater to all needs.

And now, sir or madam,

please browse our wide range of samples here.

(MUFFLED) Book. The book, the book.

Show 'em the book. The book.

Please buy. I beg you.

Please! (MUFFLED) Fuck!

Aysha! Aysha! Books!

What? Boobs?

Nah, to be fair, you got good ones, bitch.

(FAINT, SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Nice one, mate. You scared 'em off!

Aysha, do you know about this?

It says we've got an audit in three days

No idea, ask Ian.

I- Ian doesn't work here anymore...

Oh, yeah...

(GASPS) Books!

You meant books!

I thought you were straight up perving.

Don't worry, I'm gonna get her back! (DOOR OPENS)

Yo! Yo, let me show you the samples!

(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck. Why you running from me, bitch?

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(MUSIC ENDS) (MUFFLED BUZZING)

Lee?

(MUFFLED) Comin'.

(BUZZING GETS LOUDER)

(GASPS) Oh!

I said "coming"! I thought you said "come in"!

No, I said "coming!" OK.

What you doing?! Well, I'm having a trim, ain't I?

Right, er, you can turn around now.

Do you not do that in the shower? What, and clog the pipes?

Leave off, Kirst. I'm not a fuckin' savage!

(INHALES) Birds use them for nestin'.

Right, what do you want? Erm...

I just wanted to talk to you, er...

about that thing...

that happened, erm...

between us.

Right, well... I needed it.

What? I needed it, Kirst.

And I'm a better man for it now. I don't think we're-

Sometimes a geezer needs a slap, Kirst.

And I thank you for that. Oh.

Right. Erm, no, well, not... So, not that thing.

Erm, the other thing... between us.

In the car... that time.

Er... Right...

Well- You know, as far as I'm concerned-

Same. And it wasn't-

Nooo! And God forbid that Glen-

Exactly! (SIGHS) (SIGHS) OK.

No one needs to know. No.

Exactly.

Except... somebody does know.

(SIGHS) What?

Look, erm...

It's Glen eating a Mr Whippy.

It's... Wh-?

Oh, God. Sorry. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS)

Sorry, that's, erm, that's not, er...

My phone's just- Oh, it's being really slow.

Erm... (CHUCKLES) Just need to free up some storage.

You should connect to the cloud.

I should. I should connect to the cloud, yep.

OK, yep. Here. A-ha.

So, erm, it just started off, sort of, threats.

Fuckin' hell. Who is it? I don't know.

But now they want £1,600, or he's gonna tell Glen.

And I don't know what to do.

Because I don't have the money and I'm meant to be meeting him tonight.

And he's Irish! He's Irish! He's, like, PROPERLY Irish!

Breathe, Kirst! Breathe. So, so Irish! (EXHALES)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Sit down. OK.

(SIGHS SHAKILY)

Right.

Well, you're gonna message him back. (SIGHS)

And you're gonna tell him that you're gonna be there.

OK. Wait, what?

You're gonna be there.

(INHALES) And this is what we're gonna do.

Come on, Lee! If we hurry up, we can get there before-

Hello, love. Oh, hi! Hiya!

How was your first day? Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Just "yeah"? Yeah. Yeah.

It's Taco Tuesday so you can tell me all about it

over a very shoddily made burrito!

(HUSHED ARGUING)

What you two chatting about?

We were just talking about...

Sheds. Wasn't we? Sheds! Yes.

What?Yeah. Cos ours is rotten through, Glen.

Yeah, it's fucked. So, what we gonna do?

You know, if the strimmer rusts up, or...Yeah, awww...

Hmm. I hadn't really thought about it.

No. Well, exactly. So, erm...

We are actually gonna go to- Homebase.

Homebase. And yeah, we're gonna look for a new one.

What, now? It's Taco Tuesday. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) (CHUCKLES)

I'll come with you then. I wouldn't bother.Ooh.

No, no. Don't worry about that. No. It's late.

You stay here. Put your feet up. You stay here.

Yeah? OK. Alright, yeah.

Mwah. Love you. And you.

I know, love.

What's going on.

What?

What do you mean? I'm not thick.

You're making an effort with him.

And it means a lot.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

So, Sue, this tape player...?

I'm gonna get LED lights all round the units as well.

Oh, and... (LOUD RUMBLING)

Waste disposal sink!

(RUMBLING STOPS) (BANGING)

Fuck off, Margaret! (SIGHS)

It's, er... Yeah. Wow. (CHUCKLES)

So, have you got that VCR?

I ain't finished me tour yet!

Do you care to join me out on the demi terrace?

(SIRENS WAIL)

Views to die for, eh?

Erm...

Oh, yeah. It's, er, lovely. Yeah.

Yeah, you can tell Kirsty that. Cos she ain't visited.

Oh, no. She will. She's just been busy, you know?

Just, er, new job and that. So it's, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh. Too busy for her own mother?

Cos I could've snuffed it up here and nobody'd be any the wiser.

I could've tumbled seven floors to my untimely death, could I not?

Well... Glad you haven't

Where is she anyway?

Oh. Yeah, er, she's gone to Homebase with Lee.

She's making an effort with him. It's nice, yeah.

Oh, right.

What?

Oh, nothing.

It's not like me to stir the pot, but...

Keep an eye.

What?

Her and Lee.

Keep an eye.

Why? (CHUCKLES)

The thing is about Kirsty, yeah?

Emotionally speaking, is that...

she's unstable. Hmm?

And what with Lee's masculine energy...

I mean, I'd be surprised if a girl wasn't taken with it, wouldn't you?

(CHUCKLES) Hark at me gabbing on!

Er... You've just come for me VCR.

Stay put and I'll dig her right out. Alright.

(AWKWARD GUITAR MUSIC)

(MUSIC BECOMES TENSE)

The voice note said to park by the red bins,

and he'll be sitting on a bench nearby.

Oh my God. (SIGHS)

(OMINOUS NOTE)

Oh my actual God, I think that's him.

Lee? Lee?

(WHISPERS) I think that's him!

Alright! I got me mouth full.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Right.

That looks like a bag of money, don't it?

What is it? Half a dozen tins of pilchards.

Now, you just get near him,

and you whack it right round his fuckin' head.

It'll daze him and then I'll bowl in.What?!

No. I can't assault him. Well,

we ain't got no reddies, have we?

So, either you clump him, or he ends your relationship.

(SIGHS) Dealers' choice.

(OMINOUS NOTE)

Giz a couple more tins.

(LOW, FUNKY, TENSE MUSIC)

Alright, go on. Go and do the cunt. (WHISPERS) Oh my God.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God-

Calm down! (HUFFING)

I'll be on the other end of the phone.OK!

(LOW, FUNKY, TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INHALES) (MUSIC FADES OUT)

(CLICKS) (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)

(DRUM RHYTHM) # JIMI JAMISON: I'm Always Here #

(CLICKS) (ROCK INSTRUMENTAL)

(TAPE WHIRRING)

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(MUMBLES) Fuck's sake, Dad.

(SHAKILY) Oh, shit...

Go on. (SIGHS) Oh, shit.

Don't worry. You've got me in your ear.

If anything happens, I'm there. I've told ya.

Go on!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh my God. (PANICKED MUMBLING)

MAN: Hands where I can see them, Kirsty.

(WHISPERS) Oh, shit. That's it.

Oh, shit. Keep moving.

That's it.

(TENSE DRUM RHYTHM)

What the fuck?

(SQUEAKING) Shiiiit! Shit, shit.

(GROWLS) Shiiit! Keep moving.

That's it.

(TENSE MUSIC LULLS) I can't do it, Lee.

Lee?!

"Lee, can you hear me? Lee?

Lee, where are you?"

Lee?!

(PAPER RIPS) WOMAN: "Glen, open your present.

It's from Uncle Ron." (PAPER RIPPING)

YOUNG GLEN: "Look, mum. Look what I got!"

(WHEEZING) Shiiiiit. That's it.

Put the bag on the ground, Kirsty.

Stop. Don't come any closer.

Kirsty, stop there. (WHISPERS) Lee?

Stop there, and put the bag down!

Put the bag down, Kirsty!

Put the bag down, Kirsty.

Put it down!

That's it. Good girl.

Kirsty. Back away from the-

(GRUNTS)

(SHRIEKS)

(RADIO CRACKLES) "Shit! Fuck!"

(GASPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (STAMMERS) Head?

Oh. Er- Come here. Come here!

Haha!

Come and give us a hand, Kirst!

Come here! (WHIMPERING) What?

Lively! (YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

Let's fuckin' 'ave it! Who are ya?

No, no, no.

(GASPS)

(IRISH ACCENT) Hello, Kirsty.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(LIVELY VERSION OF DEAN MARTIN'S "SWAY")

Who the fuck are you? (SIGHS)

I said, when is the meeting?

Let's fuckin' do this.

(LIVELY VERSION OF "SWAY" CONTINUES)

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky