Original subtitles

You know what I love?

What? Doing nothing. Oh, yeah.

Doing nothing is great.

You know what's better than doing nothing?

What?

Nothing. True.

In fact, we didn't even see you with all this real work we've been doing.

So, how'd the mission go?

Yeah, did you guys capture Slappy Pete? Yeah, we got him, but he slapped me

pretty good. Is there a mark?

Sorry.

Yeah, tiny -handed freak.

I didn't know that Slappy Pete has six fingers.

Uh, he was holding a tiny little hot dog when he slapped me.

Tiny -handed hot dog -eating freak.

Where's Ray?

Oh, he's gonna be here in a couple seconds with a little surprise.

I need the backpacks. Please tell me it's backpacks. No, dude, what's your

with backpacks? Name a better invention.

I'll wait.

Uh, the wheel.

Name two.

I'll wait.

The toilet.

Name three.

I'll wait. All right, let's just say it's something you can fit in.

Is it a chair? I also was gonna guess chair.

Okay, it's a chair.

That was an obvious clue.

Pete slapped me so hard.

Who wants to guess what I have under this sheet?

A chair. Is it a backpack?

Whoever said backpack was wrong.

I already told them it's a chair. Well, then whoever said backpack is an idiot

because... It's a chair!

That's a Royal Relaxer massage chair.

Hold on to your brain because I'm about to blow your mind.

We finally caught up with Pete. He was slapping a bunch of people at that fancy

Ukrainian massage chair store.

Chernobyl. That's the one.

And the owner was so happy we stopped him that he was just like, you can have

any chair in the store.

And we were like, how about that one? And he was like, uh, no, any chair but

that one.

And we were like, shut up, dude. You said we could have any. And he was like,

oh, no. Why did I say any?

And then we took it.

We did.

We did. We took it. Oh, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Did you walk through junk and stuff dressed as Captain Man?

No.

Yes, I did. Whoopsies.

If you'll all excuse me, I've got to go erase some memories upstairs.

Suave, a little help?

Can I do the wiping this time?

Maybe when you're older.

Can I help drag the body outside?

Sure thing, champ.

thing up online. It costs $30 ,000.

Oh, that's for the base model. This is an upgrade.

Yep. It warms up your butt. Your butt? And it's got 63 individual rubbing

So many zones.

Dude, you gotta believe me. I just saw Captain Man.

Nah, nah, he wasn't fighting crime. He was just like rolling this big chair

through this door.

Yeah, I think it was like a jack and... Tap, tap.

One sec, dude. Someone wants to talk to me.

Dude.

I think you're forgetting something.

Whoa.

Whoa, dude. I was totally wrong.

It wasn't Captain Man. Just some other really handsome dude.

Later, brah.

That's all yours, Schwoz.

Thanks.

I am going to scroll through this guy's photos.

Get out!

It's my turn!

Uh,

that's nice. Will you take off my other boot?

Charlotte, make him get out. You know, we deserve a turn, too.

No, no, it's his turn.

He's the one who got slapped today.

Uh -huh.

Oh, my God!

That... That is amazing.

What's amazing? What?

I don't see anything. What am I looking at here? Yeah, we don't

see anything.

Put your head in there, dude.

Keep looking.

It takes about 30 to 40 minutes to appear.

That's funny. That's a good trick.

Get out.

No.

I'm going to count to three, and if you're not out of that chair, I'm going

to... You're going to what?

One... Two, three.

Okay, that's it.

It all just

kind of happened. I wanted an after -school job, but then an indestructible

superhero hired me to be his sidekick.

Now we blow bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

No, it's my turn in the chair.

I'm on my way to work right now.

Okay, don't, don't, don't sit in that chair.

Don't look at her leg.

What?

Piper's been on a seven -day scooter ride for that pet charity.

Scootering for neutering? I know it.

Yeah, but what you don't know is she never switched her push leg for seven

Her push leg?

When you scooter, you got a plant leg and a push leg.

Scientists say you need to swap legs every day or else.

What happens if you don't switch legs, Dad? Just don't look at her legs.

Look at my leg.

Look at my leg!

I gotta look!

I do?

Well, you know what? It's not working.

No, you get in the chair. Get in the chair. You get in the chair. All right,

right. And by the way, I got a massage coming.

Whoa. You're five minutes late. Which means you missed your turn.

Okay. I understand.

But there's something you guys should both know.

So I should be able to use the chair whenever I want.

Well, I'm the one who figured out that Slappy P was even heading to Chernobyl.

Ray told me to shut up right before the emergency call came in, and I did.

So if I hadn't, you wouldn't even heard the call.

So I should get the chair. I should get the chair. Get the chair.

Now, I've been listening to you guys argue for the past ten seconds that I am

sick of it.

It wasn't me.

Now,

normally, I would teach you all a lesson by lighting that chair on fire and

forcing you all to watch it burn. No!

Burn me instead!

But I'm halfway through the first chapter of this audio book, so I'm going

what it says.

How to be a boss, boss.

That's right.

real quick, big dog. I don't know if you heard, but I'm the one who actually

fought Flappy Pete, so... Well, no, no, no, no. I'm the one who fought you

there. I'm the one who fought Flappy Pete. I'm the one who fought Flappy

That'd be a boss, boss. Says I shouldn't let you guys fight over a chair.

Says I should make you fight over a chair.

That doesn't make any sense.

I will fight the world for this chair.

You called for me, boss?

Yeah.

Get the Death Snake.

Why should I get the Death Snake?

Because I'm the boss, boss, and I say say so -so.

No, but you're indestructible. Do as I say!

Do as I say!

Do as I say!

Oh, it's not going to bite you.

It's not even poisonous.

Okay, it's very poisonous. I don't know why I said that.

Why don't we just sing the Man Cave National Anthem? Because this is the

to the Ray Games.

A series of physical and mental challenges.

And the winner of the Ray Games gets the massage chair. I got this.

And here will he reign.

Round one.

Put the hat on the Death Snake.

No way.

Why would I? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, that's crazy.

on a death snake?

I guess you guys don't really want that chair, do you? No, I just think you're a

psycho. Done!

That snake did not want to wear a hat.

Round one goes to Jasper.

Seriously? All right, get your head in the game. Find your power.

Find your power.

Last one on the count. wins this

round, I'm good.

Not even dizzy.

Let me know when it's gonna get tough.

Make it tough.

My singlet gives me strength.

Your singlet gives me the creep.

Over to you, Jasper.

Is there a three?

It's a phrase, Jasper.

Just words, no numbers.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I'd like to solve it.

Not your turn anymore.

I'd still like to solve it.

Over to you, Henry.

Is there an X?

the puzzle.

Go ahead.

The phrase is blessing in disguise.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What?

You're wrong.

What do you mean I'm wrong? What else could it possibly be?

Um, I would like to solve the puzzle.

Go ahead, Charlotte.

I think the phrase is blessing in duh.

exclamation point at the end because that's how you say the phrase like look

those clouds they're a blessing in disguise first

one to finish their dangling donuts wins this round how can that be

you'll see and

Jasper wins again.

What? Are you kidding me? I really want that chair.

Oh, yeah?

Do you really want that chair?

I think that's been established.

You want it enough to die for it?

Uh, no.

Yeah, me neither.

Want it. Not that much.

Well, are you willing to stand in one place for a long time for it?

That is more acceptable.

No beats dying.

That's cool. All right.

You don't think this beat's dying?

I do. Yeah, me too. This pole feels good under my feet.

Huh. Okay.

Well, while we're waiting for two of you to fall down, let's listen to some more

of How to Be a Boss Boss.

Chapter 2.

Why You Should Never Let Your Employees Use the Bathroom.

Smart.

Sew, sew, sew your pants gently down the seams.

Ah, good timing. I just finished fixing your pants.

Oops. Don't worry about it. I borrowed a pair of mom's pregnancy pants, and as

long as they don't flex my leg too much, much. They should be... Oh, come on!

I just don't sew like I used to.

How am I supposed to live my life when my stupid leg keeps ripping all my

They're all like this now.

I know.

And I've been thinking. Oh, God.

The only solution for you is...

She'll know how to take care of it.

Chapter 27.

How to take other people's ideas and claim them as your own.

This contest is taking forever.

How can we speed this up?

We can throw stuff at them.

What? No.

It's a terrible idea.

Thank you.

But your bad idea did just give me a great idea.

What if we throw stuff at him?

I just said, what if... My dear, we're doing it.

What, dude, you can't just throw stuff at us. Yeah, that's not fair.

One bowl of the finest throwing foods, please.

One bowl of throwing foods.

Ow!

done, Charlotte.

So, did I win? You won that round.

But who's in the overall lead?

Good question. Show me the leaderboard.

Oh!

That chair's about to have this guy's butt groove in it. Whatever.

Don't count your butt grooves before you've sat.

Dude, look at the board. The game is basically over.

Oh, it would be if the final round weren't worth 10 million points.

What?

But that's way too many points.

What's your problem?

My problem is the previous rounds meant nothing.

You know, I got bit by a death snake. I wore very tight clothing to throw a

beanbag. I think you liked that. I did, but I'm still mad.

Just tell us about the final round. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To win the final round, you'll have to use your brains.

Yeah!

So what do we have to do?

You'll have to outsmart a monster.

Monsters aren't real. Talking about your sister.

Piper? That's right.

First person to get Henry's sister to give them her phone, take a selfie with

it, and send it to me from her number wins the massage chair.

This book's amazing.

Okay.

You can look now.

is supposed to help me?

Vertical stripes make everything look thinner.

Well, it's not working.

Henry! Grace!

What do you think of the stripes I painted on your sister's leg? Looks

Watch out.

Hey. Uh, listen, I think that we, uh, there was a little bit of a mix -up this

morning with our phones. You took mine. Let's, uh, switch back, okay?

That's impossible.

I've been staring at my phone all day. Uh, no, no, no. Actually, that's

seriously my phone. Okay, can I just have it back?

Whoa, girl.

Nothing. Just give me your phone. I love you.

Somebody unlocked this door.

Jasper, stop smacking my wife's house.

Why do you want my phone so bad?

Because it's the best.

Because you're the best.

Look at you just being the best.

Hey, Piper. Hey, Mr. Hart.

Don't look at her leg.

Don't look at her leg.

girl code doesn't cover cell phones.

Then give your phone to me. I also want to text a boy.

Daughter of a dumpling!

Can I borrow your phone?

Why does everyone want to borrow my phone?

Uh, because it's emitting radioactive... Ah, fine. I'm lying. Look, my boss is

having this contest, and whoever wins gets a really sweet massage chair.

A massage chair?

Yes, and the first person to send him a selfie from your phone gets the chair.

I wonder if the vibrations from a massage chair could shake the extra

from this leg and spread them evenly through both legs.

Only way to find out is for you to give me your phone.

That's not the only way. Okay.

Plan to travel to Uzbekistan.

How many layers did he have? One, two, three, four, five, six. Hold up, hold

Looks like we may have a winner.

Oh, twist.

Fuck.

by a death snake today.

Piper, when do I get a turn?

After me.

No, I'm next, right, girl code?

My face needs a chair massage after bashing into your door.

So you guys all want a turn?

Yes.

Okay.

Maybe we can have a little competition for it.