Original subtitles

He's here.

Let's get started.

Aye, aye. Hey, wait, guys. I didn't get any lunch at school. Can we order some,

like, Chinese food?

What? I want some of those, uh... Oh, what do you call them? They're like, uh,

Chinese dumplings.

Oh, you mean wampons.

Yeah.

No.

Wantons. He means wantons, not wampons.

I did my best to say it right.

Whatever. Can we order some?

Not now.

It's time for my bi -yearly quantitative physiological densitization test.

I understood the word test.

It's a test to make sure I'm still totally indestructible.

Can we order some wontons first?

No. You see that machine over there?

Yeah. It's going to shoot baseballs at you. Why me?

Because, because of your new superpower.

Yeah, your hypermutilation.

Okay.

It's called hypermotility.

Hyper -multi -beauty. Okay, can we move on? Can we move on?

Schwoz, show him your bat.

His what?

See, when you see the balls are coming, you use this baseball bat to swing fast

the ball.

Yep, then Schwoz is going to measure the speed of the baseballs. Then after I

get hit, I tell him when my pain stops and I feel okay.

Then I use a mathematical equation to determine how indestructible Ray is.

I just want like five wontons.

I'm going to have you wontons after we do this. All right.

I'm going to go stand here by the elevator.

That's what I'm going to do.

What's that for?

To protect my face from stray balls.

Okay. Henry.

Take this invisible bed.

Oh, what kind of baseball bat is this?

It's a thermal fusion bat I made myself.

Can you make thermal fusion wontons?

Come on, Henry, just get over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Okay, let's test ball.

Go for it.

Ready, Henry?

Yeah, go.

Speed.

Miss me. Now you got a kid.

Now I got a what? Nothing. Forget it. No, no, no. Now I got a what? No, I

changed my mind, okay? You don't got to do anything.

Come on, Schwartz. We're going to do this. Let's do this. God.

Okay. It'll be good.

Oh, Ray, I got to tell you something.

What? Tomorrow, I... I'm okay.

What do you want to tell me?

I can't make it to work tomorrow.

What do you mean you can't make it to work tomorrow?

Still okay.

Tomorrow's the Cheekman test day at school.

Hey, you're my sidekick. That means... You

guessed it.

Okay.

It's not my fault, okay? If I leave school for any reason, I can get in huge

trouble. Okay, fine, you baby.

Take the day off. But it's coming out of your vacation time.

Uh, I didn't know I get vacation time.

Uh, you don't.

I mean, there's no state law that says you do, so, you know, don't even check.

Wait a second, are you saying that I... Bitch!

Wait, no, dude, I'm not...

Maria Von Trapp. Here.

Ruth Westheimer.

Present. And Abraham Zapruder.

Here. Oh, Abraham, put that obsolete camera away.

This test is so important, right?

Not at all.

Henry,

Jasper, stand up and explain it to the class while I rub this pimple cream on

back.

Every Christmas, the principal gives all the teachers

bonuses.

And the higher we all score on the test, the more money the Chapin gets.

Or as I like to say it, the better your grades, the more I... gets paid.

Yeah, we're going to sit down now.

Charlotte? Yes, ma 'am? Switch places with Von Trapp.

Why? I don't want to switch places.

Well, Joe, Ray, me don't care.

Now be a good female, dear, and move.

There. Now I'm putting Charlotte in front because she's much smarter than

rest of you.

Now I realize it's going to be 10 minutes to copy off of Charlotte's test

hmm? But if I catch anyone cheating, you know what's going to happen?

No, what?

Nothing.

Uh,

what are you doing with your mouth?

Winking.

I have weak eyelid muscles, so I'm a mouth winker.

cheating is wrong.

emergency warning siren? Just keep taking your test.

But shouldn't we find out what the emergency is?

Ugh, fine!

We gotta get this toilet working by seven.

We're not gonna make it.

We gotta make it.

See? It's just a rerun of Toilet Wars.

Everything's fine.

If this was a real emergency, they'd interrupt this for... We interrupt

Wars for this breaking news.

It's... Attention!

Attention! I have breaking news.

deep in the earth, underneath Swellview's nuclear gas company.

But according to experts, the gas is not harmful to humans unless it escapes

from the ground, which it has. It's escaping from the ground right now.

So if you're in Swellview or the surrounding areas, we advise you to

Swellview and the surrounding areas.

This guy said we should evacuate.

No!

Nobody leaves until everybody finishes their test and gets a great score so I

can get my big fat cash money bonus!

Hey, Ms. Shaping, can I use the restroom?

To do what?

Well... To go to the... Use the... The bath.

I'll just stay here.

an after -school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero hired me to be his sidekick. Now we blow

bubbles and fight crime.

Feels good.

College, up the tube!

Yeah, so?

So, as soon as I can, I'm gonna be...

Stupid support beam broke.

Can you get out?

No chance.

Top of the shaft's mostly blocked now.

Oh, that reminds me.

This afternoon I have my colonoscopy.

Schwoz! I don't want to hear about your body problems, all right? I'm trapped

down here.

Okay, you want me to come get you?

No, you can't.

Okay, bye -bye. No, Schwoz!

Now look, write this down.

Yeah, yeah, I'm writing this down.

Okay, I need you to triple beep Henry.

Get him out of school.

I beep Henry, get him out of the school.

Tell him to pop a gumball.

Pop a gumball.

Then he's got to get the Tyson drill, call him to the gas plant.

Tyson drill, gas plant.

And then Henry needs to drop down into the ventilator shaft, which is right

to me, drill through the wall, and get me out of here.

Okay, got it.

Oh, and, uh, tell him to bring some of them wontons.

Bring some wampons.

Wampons!

Wampons!

If you're going to live in America, you should learn how to say wampons.

Now, just in case the poisonous gas reaches this school, I brought Charlotte

gas mask.

this on your face.

Uh, okay.

Well, what about the rest of us? Yeah, why don't we get guest masks?

Because none of you are as smart as Charlotte.

Uh, please don't look at me.

And now that she's safe, she can continue taking her test.

And remember, the rest of you better not copy her answers.

Okay, will you please stop winking with your mouth?

Hey!

I heard a smartphone.

Uh, sorry, that was just my, uh, my pacemaker.

Pacemaker? Well, turn it off.

Yes, ma 'am.

I told Ray not to beep you today. I did.

Must be a serious problem.

Miss Chapin. What?

Can I please go to the restroom?

You asked me that an hour ago.

Yeah, and you didn't let me go. So?

So now, it's worse.

All right, go.

But you better be back here in two minutes.

Don't waste time washing your hands.

You there?

Ray, come on. You tripled beat me. What's the thing?

Where is that noise

coming from?

Hey,

it's me, Schwarz. From work.

I know who you are and where you're from.

Come on, let's go.

Dude, I told Ray.

Today's achievement test day. I can't leave school.

But the whole city's been evacuated. Well, the teacher won't let us leave.

But there's a gassy lick.

I know.

Tell Ray to go fix it.

He did.

But he got trapped in the chef's hall. You have to go rescue him.

I'm trapped in the school.

I know what to do.

What? Pull me inside there with you.

Why? Just pull on my head. All right.

at your desk taking a test.

I don't even have a desk or a test or anything.

It's called acting.

And action.

What did you do?

Don't worry about it. Just go to the nuclear gas plant and rescue Ray. Dude,

I leave school, I get expelled.

We'll leave

I'll text you a hoodie.

Wait, I accept to go to the bathroom. There's no time.

It's, uh, state law.

Whenever kids take an achievement test, you have to give them a three -minute

break every two hours.

Oh? And what if I don't?

You could get fined. Which would cost you money.

I know this.

Where was Henry sitting?

Right there.

Come

on,

that's obviously a hologram. Yeah, that's not going to fool anyone. Hey,

two seconds, would ya?

Come on.

Come on.

Go lock the door.

game's entertaining.

Hey, Schwoz.

Could you put the ladder back up? Go for it, Schwoz.

What's going on, man? I sealed the gas leak.

Kevin's stuck down here over an hour now.

Henry didn't get there yet?

No, he didn't get here yet.

shoved in his back.

Ah, who cares? You're indestructible.

I'm still a person.

With feelings.

All right, can we get going? Because I really need to get back to school.

Fine, whatever. Just pull me through.

Whoa,

whoa. Ray, have you gained some weight?

No, I haven't gained weight. You're just not pulling hard enough.

I think you've gained weight. You take that back. I eat less than 2 ,000

calories a day. I'm just trying to suck it in.

This is so embarrassing.

Ow!

That hurts so bad.

Well, it turns out that a leaking nuclear gas pipe was no match for

and Kid Danger. That's right, Trent. According to city officials... According

city officials, Captain Man and Kid Danger sealed the leaky pipe, and the

dangerous gas cloud has passed through the Swellview sky.

and is now floating into the city of Bordertown, where it's no longer our

problem.

And in other news, Trent's wife left him four years ago for a more attractive,

wealthier man.

That's right, test booklet's right here.

Hurry up, I gotta get home and powder my cat.

Powder your cat?

Get out of here, all you go!

Didn't you get the memo?

Hey, I'm talking to you, boy.

Henry!

You.

Captain Man!

You consent to this kiss?

Sure!

Relationship?