Original subtitles

Oh, my God. This is such a surprise.

A promotion?

So unexpected.

I had no idea this was coming. I did work so hard. Thank you.

Me? I would love a corner office.

I accept.

Thank you so much. Thank you for coming.

And my promotion.

Oh, babe, did you get up early to wish me good luck?

Wish you luck for?

The promotion.

Oh, right, the promotion.

Junior Executive Event Planner.

It's going to be me, right?

Oh, totally.

It's yours.

Oh, God, I feel like Molly Greenwald at the end of every movie. I'm like, all my

dreams are coming true.

You're such a geek for those movies, aren't you? I know, I know, and they're

super problematic, but I can't help it. I love them, and I love you.

Wait, babe, can you help me put canvas real quickly?

Um, oh, I would love to but I'm I like I can't be late again Oh, come on. I'll

take you like five minutes.

I'm filming fire You know what happens if I don't pay my inspiration hits come

on I know and I don't want to like stifle your genius or anything.

Um, I Mean yeah, come on. It'll be quick

Unfair. I know that being late is a no -no, but you're really going to fire me

over it?

Well, did they fire you for being late? Or did they fire you because you're

like... I'm talking back to my boss.

I know.

But I was just so, like, overheated and emotional, and I was just, like, really,

really, really upset.

I mean, that was my job.

You know...

I was late because of you.

We're all grown -ups here. You've got to be responsible for your own decisions.

God, I know, Kate. This is just the worst day of my life.

Well, at least one of us had a good day.

I just heard back from the gallery, and they're going to give me my own show.

Oh, my God.

Really?

That's amazing.

I'm so proud of you.

I always knew that you were going to make it.

I know.

That's why I make it so hard to tell you the other thing.

What?

What other thing?

I'm moving in with Sandra.

The gallery owner?

Uh, babe.

Sweet of you to try to make me laugh, but... Really?

Really?

where you're not allowed to lose your job and your boyfriend on his index?

There is.

It's called decency. Oh.

You know, it was all working out fine when he couldn't afford to pay rent.

But as soon as his career starts taking off, are we surprised?

Sophia, comfort me. I'm just saying, this is nothing new. Your last three

boyfriends. Or Todd.

Oh, Todd.

I forgot about Todd.

See, this is what you do. You take strays in, you clean them up, and then

change their litter.

I need more alcohol.

Okay. Here's where we're going to go.

The next time that I think that a guy is cute, you're going to step in.

You're going to interfere.

And you're going to say veto.

I am a million steps ahead of you. I already have a plan.

A guide to marrying rich.

It's super legit. The author, Margaret Dumont, she went from being a secretary

to marrying one of the richest men in the country.

This book is ancient.

Yeah, so is the Bible.

Where did you find this thing? Some lame Tinder date. God took me to a used

bookstore. Is that even a date?

Anyway, thankfully, I found this book. I was like, yeah, universe, I hear you.

Yeah, you hear the call of the 1950s. 1967.

How is this even a thing?

You don't need a man to have your dream life, says the girl that screwed up her

dream job for a dude.

Look.

I'm not going to be a bartender forever, and I am super sick of living with

seven other wannabe models in a two -bedroom apartment.

Yes, we're all tiny, so it's really only like living with four people, but

still. And I'm not going to get ahead.

It's like my biggest paying gig was that JCPenney catalog, and that's just that.

Well, it would be nice if someone could pay my rent, because, Lord knows, I

can't afford it. So, we settled in our apartment.

No, I can't. I need to find a job.

How? You work in a very competitive industry, and you just got fired. No

hiring you.

Are you supposed to be making me feel better?

We're going away for the summer.

You can't take the summer off. You're employed.

Oh, right. Hey, Cass.

Yeah. I quit.

What? What are you doing? I am betting on myself, just like the book says.

You're only 25 once. And do you know what we are? 26?

Yeah. We are behind.

We need to get off our asses and take charge of our lives.

What? By leaving New York?

Oh, God, no. Oh, no.

We're going to Hampton. It's my end of the timeshare there. We'll live there

the summer and come back with rich husbands.

Okay, wait.

You actually think that both of us are going to meet rich Jews and get them to

marry us before Labor Day?

Well, according to Miss Dumont, yes.

I don't know if she did.

Ah, there you go. Just leave a key under a frog ornament like every other old

retired person.

Come on. I had that.

Are you good? Yeah. You good with these bags?

I am. Buddy, you need a little help?

There you go.

This is why we need rich boyfriends, too, because they will have people to

things. You know we're only here for the summer, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you should pick the loft.

It sort of feels like you're sleeping in a tent up there, and I know you're into

that sort of thing, and you know I'm not.

Happily. So, um, I hate to always be the practical one, but first things first,

we're going to find jobs.

What for?

We have a free place to stay.

Oh, um, I don't know. Maybe food?

We'll have rich boyfriends that'll fool for all our meals.

How soon?

It's the BNBC, the Zane Hotel and Beach Club. Everyone hangs out here.

So what does that sign say for hotel guests only?

Oh, to keep out the tourists.

You mean us?

No, they want hotties like us here.

Oh.

Oh, down to the beach.

That's where they keep all the rich husbands.

Stupid things are absolutely not according to the book. A woman must

high heels. Never wait for a man to put you on the pedestal. Don't do it

yourself and don't get the inches.

Oh, shit.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm Sophia.

Hi, Sophia. I'm John. John Fuller.

Well, John, thanks for giving me your laugh.

Anytime.

I just might take you up on that horse.

You'll have to buy me a drink first.

Okay, let's get you going.

Yes,

okay, you good? You ready?

Yeah, great, awesome.

Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you so much.

That was embarrassing.

Embarrassing or strategic? For your information, I just met John Fuller,

trust fundee and number 74 on Forbes' list of rich under 30.

That's right.

I'm a bigger home one.

Hey, dummy.

What have you been doing all day? You know what? Don't answer that. All right,

first the bathrooms. The beach has been unintended.

What's going on?

Hello. What is this?

Uh, it's a towel.

Wrong. It's a dirty towel.

You know where I found it?

With the clean towels.

Okay. No, it's not okay.

Let me break this down for you, dummy.

Oh, my name's Doug.

You know how many guys want this position, Doug?

More than you're probably capable of counting. So you separate these towels

your job depends on it because it does.

I wonder if our kids will have blue eyes like me or brown eyes like John.

Hi,

can I see that? No, we're fine, thanks.

He's cute.

Vito. Come on.

He's a towel boy, Eliza. I'm unemployed, Sophia.

Look, that's a towel boy there to your left.

Rich Hawthorne. He's an orthopedic surgeon and he just bought his own $4 .8

million townhouse on his 74th.

I don't know.

I'm learning the whole chiseled thing.

Yes, you are.

Why is his hair so perfect?

You know what I mean?

Whoops. There's John.

What's up, guys?

I'm Matt. Hello.

Our future husbands. Our friends. I told you I did my homework.

It's literally meant to be. Think about it. Okay. A guide to marrying me.

His name is Rich. He is Rich.

Yeah. Yeah. I got it.

Okay.

Fine. I'll go introduce myself. Don't you dare.

According to the book, the first time a guy lays his eyes on you has to be

memorable.

Oh, I got it. Okay. You go for a swim, you get a cramp, you start to drown, and

he saves you.

And then, the bikini talk comes off in the process.

I think the fake drowning is memorable enough.

Not as memorable as this.

Just saying.

No.

Help!

Hey, Daddy -o. Hey, Doug.

What do you say you cut out of there early and meet me for some lunch? I'm

working, remember?

Well, you're working too hard.

Oh, it says the hardest working guy. No.

We're okay.

Feet in the ground.

And on and up. Okay.

Wonderful.

The shore's right there.

There's some towels I can grab you. No, not... That's okay. I'm okay.

So you're pretending to drown?

Um... Uh... Okay, this is embarrassing, but my friend Sophia over there told me

that this would be a really great way to meet a guy.

Oh, well, I mean... I'm, uh... One of those.

Yeah,

not you.

Ouch.

Yeah, it's just, you know, you're not really my type.

Uh -huh.

Okay, so what is your type?

Oh, you see that chisel guy?

Over there, yeah.

That's kind of my thing.

Okay, so, uh, you've owned me. Start flailing.

Flailing.

Are you good?

Are you right?

Yeah? Uh, yeah.

Um, I didn't feel good.

I'm rich.

Eliza.

I hate that all the Ritz guys go back to the city during the week. It makes

their timeline so much easier.

Well, I think it's a good thing. We can't spend all our summer trying to get

these guys to fall for us. We need to work.

Otherwise, we're going to spend our summer eating out of people's garbage

Why is that? The Hamptons.

There's lobster in those garbage cans.

Oh.

Huh?

No way. Absolutely not. The skin does not do greasy environments.

We've tried literally everywhere else.

Okay. Come on, Sophia.

Can you read?

Yeah. Can you write?

Totally. Can you carry a tray?

Yeah. You're hired.

Okay. Let the dream come true.

This isn't exactly the chic Hamptons couture I pictured wearing this summer.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Order up.

What are you doing here?

I know you.

Definitely not. Yeah, no, I definitely do.

Well, I don't know you.

I'm Ryan.

Uh -huh.

You're like a model.

Yeah, I am, actually.

Like... A famous model.

See, I knew it.

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, sir.

I got this big job. They want me to be, like, a normal person or something.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Okay.

Hey, wait a second.

Oh, my gosh. How dare you?

Ah,

well, hello.

Hi.

Are you really going to take my order or are you just pretending to be a

waitress? What I'm pretending is that that whole drowning thing just never

happened and that we've never met.

You feel like playing along?

Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Doug.

Eliza.

I like what you're wearing. It's very ducky.

Yeah, most people assume I'm a blame, but I got a secret dorky introductory

thing happening.

Wait, you know Pretty in Pink?

Not every word by heart, but... Well, I know every single word. In fact, the

only movie that I've seen more times than Pretty in Pink is... Say Anything?

Get out of my head!

Say Anything has got to have the best moment of any 80s movie ever.

You mean when John Cusack shows up at a unique guy's house even after she says

that she doesn't love him?

But doesn't believe her.

And he stands outside her window, holding that boombox above his head with

Gabriel singing, In your, uh, what?

What? Just, we're not supposed to like that anymore.

What?

You know, because the whole guy shows up at a girl's house in the middle of the

night. It was sunrise?

Uninvited, even after she said that she didn't like him.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Oh, my whole world just... I know.

I know.

It's been a long road for me. I mean, I did stop watching Sixteen Candles at

some point for obvious reasons, but... Well, I promise that this is just as

obvious if you have a vagina.

It's heartbreaking.

Problem is, I'm heartbroken. All I want to do is watch those movies on a loop.

I know.

It's a vicious cycle.

Liza!

Your order's up.

What do you think you're doing?

I was just talking.

Oh, my God.

Sophia, you don't actually think that I'm into him.

You said he was cute.

And you vetoed it.

And I respect that.

He is 100 % in the friend zone.

Okay, good. Just make sure it's easy. Bye.

I don't know about you, but I could use a drink.

Why don't you just get on the train, go home, and get up now? Talk to me.

Desirable women never pay for their own cocktails.

This is the first night that I don't smell like french fries. I want to have

good time, and I want a drink. Who cares if I pay for it? Margaret does.

Oh, we're on a first -name basis now.

Don't mock the book.

What are you saying, that just by reading this book, men are going to drop

of the sky and buy us cocktails?

Looks like you ladies need a drink.

What are you having?

Well, we both enjoy sex on the beach, but we don't know you well yet, so...

Martini?

You are very fit.

Well, I try to run every morning before work.

Oh, what time do you usually get to work?

Six. Wow.

You are unlike anyone I've ever dated.

Not that we're dating.

Okay, I'm going to take this drink and put it in my mouth so I stop talking.

So, tell me something about you.

Okay.

I'm from Queens.

That is the borough where JFK is.

Sounds kind of familiar.

Okay. Good.

Following.

My parents are public school teachers.

Oh, good for them. Yeah, it's a noble profession, or so I've been told.

Have you ever thought about teaching?

No. That's not my calling.

What's your calling?

Event planning.

I know it sounds, by comparison, like, completely insignificant, but I totally

love it.

I mean, okay, taking a space that's blank, or worse, generic, and...

Turning it into, like, an experience for whatever, really. I mean, you hope that

the event is worthy, but even if it's not, the work is, like, always changing.

It's part customer service, part visionary, super creative.

Wow, you are really passionate.

Is that not how you feel about orthopedic surgery?

Nope.

But it's a good job.

And I thought your parents were so cool with you just doing your own thing.

I, uh, take it yours weren't?

I mean, I never really pushed back.

Liza, can I talk to you?

I know.

I'll be back right now.

Okay. You should sleep right now. What? Why?

Chapter number one, I always leave a guy wanting to mourn Frankie and drink in

the morning and I'm going to scourge on in the parking lot unless we go right

now and ruin everything.

But I'm having such a good time.

Are you going to doubt Margaret?

I would never.

Can I say goodbye first?

Or does Margaret think that makes me look desperate and undesirable?

No, you're good. Just make it breezy. Okay.

Look at you.

Wow.

Um... Look at you. Hey, you work at a bar, too.

Trying to learn as much about the hotel business as possible.

Cool.

Something you should know. Don't bother the customers.

You're not bothering me.

That boy does not know he's in the friend zone. Hey, Doug, you're a friend.

Friend zone!

I didn't think that a guy could be all the things there which is. I mean, he's

handsome, he's successful, and so charming.

And I really can't get over his hair. It's just, like, perfectly coiffed.

God, I hope he doesn't think that I blew him off.

Oh, are you kidding me? It's perfect.

That book is a miracle of literature. Think about it. You and Ritz and me and

John. Yeah, tell me about you and John.

Well, he's just so loaded.

Okay, please tell me that there are other things that you're attracted to

him.

Yeah, like, he's totally hot for me. Of course he is. Every guy's hot for you. I

know, right?

I tell you, you could leave the bedroom.

Something you'd like to share?

Oh, okay. So, there's this whole chapter in the book about how guys won't buy

the cow when they can get the milk for free, and you know me, I've always...

Dabbled in the dairy distribution business?

No, I just sleep with guys I'm into way too soon.

So, you're using him?

Yeah.

Wow. Well, at least you and John will have a romantic story to tell your

grandkids one day.

Mm -hmm.

You know, it's so tough.

Being a modern woman, I don't know if I should feel like Cinderella or if I

should file a stalking report.

Well, I would have called, but you left without giving me your number.

And you did mention that you were staying on Bay Lane. And hey, did you

that Bay Lane is like eight miles long?

I think I pissed off a lot of your neighbors.

Yeah.

Want to go for a ride?

I think this car cost more than my parents' house.

It was either this or my Ferrari, but I didn't want you to think I was trying

too hard.

I actually wanted a Prius, but my dad talked me into this.

I hate to say this, but I think your dad was right.

I mean, you recycle, right? Religiously.

Right, so you offset it.

So if you're not turned off too much by the Batman, do you want a ride to the

Movers and Shakers event next week?

Ask me?

Yes, I'm asking you out.

Okay, next question.

Who's moving and who's shaking?

It's a big annual fundraiser.

Oh, that's cool. What's the cause?

No idea, but always for a really good cause.

Oh, my God. This reminds me of that scene in Pretty in Pink when Andrew

does Pretty in Pink.

The movie?

You've never seen it.

Should I?

I mean, yes, but it's one of those things that you probably should have

when you were younger.

If you watched it now, you'd probably be like, huh? And that would have been

good for us. So, I don't know, maybe my answer is no.

No, don't watch the movie or no to being my date.

Oh, hell yeah to being your date.

Good.

No. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Tell me, tell

me, tell me.

Okay. He invited me to move and or shake with him next week. Oh, my God. Moves

and shakers. Yeah, that, yeah.

John called me while you were gone and he asked me to go with him.

What did I tell you? Never tell Margaret. Never.

Always leaves him wanting more. Always.

Can you see it?

Eliza Hawthorne. Oh, God, you're so ridiculous.

You've got to start planning your wedding now.

Visualization was a big part of Margaret's loss. Oh.

I'm visualizing. I'm just not changing my last name to do the 1950s manual.

1957. Bitch.

Well, I'm still a feminist.

But what was that part in chapter four about always letting the man pay?

Oh, if you want to pay, you know, just for funsies, you have to give the man

cash that he can pay the bill. Okay, that makes more sense.

Hi.

Sorry, I forgot something.

What are we doing here?

This place is way out of our league.

We can't exactly wear a soldier's uniform. It's the biggest event ever.

You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

What about this? Hate it.

Oh,

no.

Trash.

Oh, a little bit.

Huh? Love it. Right?

Love it. Okay, where's the mirror? Over there. Okay, oh my gosh. Okay, okay.

Oh, hello, gorgeous.

Oh, goodbye, gorgeous.

Have you seen how many zeros are on these price tags? Yeah, like, we should

Like... Recharge the traffic, keep the price tag going, and then return the

day. Um, isn't that stealing?

Think of it as borrowing with the intent to return.

Wow. Margaret really did think of everything.

Actually, I came up with that one. Oh.

Sophia. I know. Thank you. You're great.

You're so smart.

Okay. Take another look. Okay.

I really like the green for you. It brings out your eyes. Thank you. Yeah.

Tell me, Trace.

This is a party.

Right, I'm working.

Now that everyone's looking at us, it's like we're the boughs of the fall.

It really does feel like a fairy tale.

Come on, let's dance.

As important as my modeling career has been to me, I think being a stay -at

-home mom is even more important.

So I totally gave up my career, as hard as it would be.

And you know, it's a lot of work to keep up a 4 ,000 square foot flat farmhouse

style home in Connecticut on a minimum of two acres while chasing after 3 .5

kids in a coffin, Jeebo.

How about you?

Not really, Dr. Burton.

Oh, I was just kidding about the Jeebo.

Not so sure I want kids either.

Oh, I know.

Can

I

get

you another drink?

Oh, I don't want to get you drunk.

Worried I might make a move.

Oh, no.

Don't do that.

What do you say,

after the party, we go back to my place?

I, um... I, um... I mean... Okay.

I really like you.

And I would love to, like, you know.

It's just I don't think that I'm ready for, like, you know. But it's not that

I've, like, never, you knowed, or it's not like I've, you knowed a ton either.

I guess it depends on how you define, you know. Are we talking about sex?

Yeah, that's, yeah, that's the word I'm looking for.

I just want to spend more time with you.

My parents' house has eight bedrooms, and you can pick anyone you want.

And if you happen to end up in mine, I won't kick you out.

No.

Oh,

dear. You forgot to take off the price tag.

I really have to...

I'll be right... I love you. I'll be right...

Sorry. Sorry. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. No.

No.

It's not stealing. It's borrowing with intent to return.

Doug?

Are we doing the garbage scratching scene from Back to the Future? This

80s movie moment.

God, this is an 80s movie moment.

And I'm the leading lady who let her world get turned upside down because

pretending to be something that she's not.

Okay, well...

Why don't we get this leading lady out of the dumpster?

Huh? Because it looks pretty uncomfortable.

It's really gross in here.

Yeah, it looks pretty gross.

Come on.

Careful. Watch your step.

Oh, what is that? Okay, let's get up quick. Hold your breath.

Yeah, I don't remember Doc Brown being in his boxers.

Laundry day.

So, why exactly were you in the dumpster?

Because I let my friend Sophia convince me to buy a dress that cost more than my

rent. And now the tag is somewhere in this dumpster, and I can't find it, and

now I can't return the dress.

And they're probably going to send me to debtor's prison.

And I know that those don't exist anymore, but they'll probably build a

just for me because I'm a total idiot.

You could pashmort. I'm going to pashmort you if you don't stop trying to

line an unsilver lineable situation.

Would you relax?

As soon as Rich proposes, you'll tell him the story and have a big laugh, and

then he'll pay for the dress.

I mean, how? If you asked him to, I'm sure he'd buy you the entire dress

There's no way.

Not after I ghosted him last night and didn't say goodbye to him on the first

night. Well, Margaret said. No, Sophia, at some point, you're just rude.

And it's so tragic, because I really, really like him.

And I really, really like how it felt last night, getting all dressed up, you

know, with all those fancy people, doing all those amazing things, and having

this gorgeous guy flirting with me.

But leave it to me to end up dumpster diving.

Like, there's a reason I end up with losers my whole life, because I am one.

You're not a loser.

Oh.

I like the face of a loser.

Sophia, rude.

Nice to see you, too.

Sorry about her.

You're not a loser. I don't think. Maybe you are. I don't know. I'm not.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Well, I thought you might want this.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You found it. Happy to help.

Guess this is a bad time.

Oh, um.

Rick, no.

He was... I can go.

Okay. But, Doug, you actually saved my life that time. Thank you.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you. I got them because I was worried maybe that I was pressuring you

to come over to my place after.

Party, and that's why you bailed, but I guess it was to hook up with that guy.

Doug? No, he's just a friend.

Really. I didn't blow you off.

I mean, well, I did, but I didn't mean to.

It's a really long story, and it doesn't matter because these are the most

beautiful flowers I've ever seen in my life.

Okay, I just feel like I'm getting some mixed messages, so just that we're

clear, are you into me?

I'm so, so into you. And I've just been getting some advice lately that I

actually think is really bad advice. And so I think we should just probably get

naked instead right now. Okay.

All right? Okay, we can do that. Okay. Okay.

Oh.

Sorry. I just got this thing with my hair. Oh, your hair. No, I get it so

perfectly.

You're taking off already?

Yeah, but I can't wait to see you next weekend. I can't wait to see you.

What do you say Saturday, you, me, all day, all night,

on the yacht?

I'd say that sounds entirely all amazing.

Oh, my God. If you take one more picture of me, I'm going to shove the camera up

your ass.

Promise?

Oh,

did John make a move yet?

Not talk about John right now?

Um, yeah, I guess.

Just so you know, I am always thinking about him.

Oh, really?

Always? Mm -hmm. Really?

Mm -hmm.

Well, let's see if we can fix that.

So, uh, tonight?

None?

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Okay.

Sophia. It's fine. He likes it when I mean.

Besides, he's having a purpose. If it weren't for Ryan, I'd never hold out.

Things are just so hot between us. Wait, what?

You made him move?

Yeah, like so, so many. Except unlike some people, I'm staying strong and

following Margaret's advice.

They know until they ask you to marry them.

Well, I'm glad that I didn't wait with Rich.

Although, to be honest, sex was a little underwhelming. Shit, you're nuts.

I'm saying that it wasn't good.

I'm saying that it wasn't, you know, magic.

Magic doesn't exist. You know what does?

A townhouse on East 74th. I know, I know.

But if that part doesn't work...

Get yourself a Ryan.

Or a Doug.

Funny enough.

Salty, the hair cream yours is doing wonders.

Hi. Hi.

Um, whatever you want, it's on the house.

That's okay.

Oh, it is the least I can do after you saved my credit rating.

Well, if you really want to make it up to me, are you busy tonight?

She's busy.

Very busy.

Because they're showing Breakfast Club at the Revival House in West Hampton.

Oh, my God. I've never seen it on the big screen.

Then you haven't really seen it.

Want to meet there?

Oh, no, that's not going to work. I don't have a car.

One, because I can't afford one. And two, because this city girl can't drive.

Then I guess we'll have to do something about that.

Okay. All right, hands up.

Okay.

I'm nervous.

What's happening?

What are you doing?

Just go with it.

Just go with it. Okay. And stop, stop, stop.

Open.

Huh?

Whose car is this?

No idea.

But you're stealing a car.

Well, no, technically, you're stealing a car.

Absolutely, no, I am not. Oh, yes, you are. I don't drive.

Remember? Of course I do.

That's why I'm going to teach you.

Dump. Oh, no.

Call me Chris Columbus.

Rhyme, ocean blue.

I'm even home looking for something new. It's never been done before.

Leave them out the million stores. And search for more in my F -150.

Call me 40 floor. Got the rims painted black. I'm not paid, but I can pull off

that. And now I'm trying to get the house to rest.

Okay.

Hold on, Dougie.

You really got the need for speed, I think.

I think I'm ready for NASCAR.

One step at a time, Melissa.

It's pretty incredible, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

Wait, what do you think you're doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

No, we're just friends.

Why? Why can't we find something like that? Because I'm with Rich.

What is so great about Rich?

Basically everything.

Oh, come on.

He's smart, generous, chiseled. Oh, which we both know is your thing.

Oh, he's got loads of money, I know. Whoa, that's not what I was going to

You're telling me if Rich had nothing to his name, you'd still be into him?

Of course I would.

Who do you think that I am?

Look, Eliza. No.

Eliza, wait.

Watch out.

Sandy out there.

How perfect is this? A gorgeous sunny afternoon, and we coincidentally have a

date. Oh.

You better hope Selfie doesn't find out that you're the one who filed the

complaint with the health inspector.

So, what, you two aren't even friends anymore?

No, we're not.

He accused me of being a gold digger.

What an ass.

Yeah.

Hmm.

So you do know if you don't hit it off with Rich's parents at the dinner, then

there's no gold for you, right?

It's not about the gold. It's a little bit about the gold, and that's all

I mean, think about all of the dugs over the years that you've given everything

to. You just... I know, I know.

God, I hope his parents like me.

Good thing Chapter 7 is entirely devoted to meeting the parents. Lay it on me.

Okay, so you know the way you are.

Don't be that way. You should have very few opinions.

Don't talk about politics, religion, or anything if you can avoid it.

So just sit there and act like a mute?

No, don't be silly. You should look at Rich adoringly, say adoring things about

Rich, and remember, it's much more important to be interested than

Hey, Dad.

I think Jake, you're hiding something.

I am. It is. It's just... Did I tell you? Don't kiss me.

What? Okay, calm down. You literally tickle Ryan's undercarriage with a

feather every night.

How do you know about the feather?

I live in a loft.

There's very little insulation.

And the point is...

No, no, it wasn't.

That is the fear talking because things are going so well with Rich and you are

literally about to have the life of my dreams.

Okay, aren't you working at the life of your dreams? Yes, but things are moving

a little slower with John than I'd prefer.

We'll catch up.

I'm just so happy for you.

Uh -huh.

And she loves 80s movies as much as I do, although she's giving me a brutal.

brutal education on the message.

And why isn't she your girlfriend?

Because she's into somebody else.

Doug, you listen to me.

If she's really in love with someone else, you shouldn't compete with them.

That's just bad manners.

But if you think that's the girl for you and you don't fight for her, well, that

you'll regret forever.

So, how was your week at work?

Anything interesting happen?

Do you know about the NASDAQ? Of course.

I have one of their handbags.

Do you know what I love about us?

The fact we don't even need to talk shows just how comfortable we are with

another.

Why you would choose to work at a private hospital when you could work at

major university is just... Paul, enough.

He doesn't care about the accolades.

Or the grants.

Or the labs.

I'm good with just focusing on my little practice, honestly.

You guys shocked me to stars, and you know I respect that about you, but it's

not like I did anything crazy. I didn't become a public school teacher or

something.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Eliza's parents are both teachers.

Oh, how sweet.

What do you think, Eliza? Is Rich selling himself short?

Oh, um, I think that Rich is perfect just the way that he is.

Um...

I'm going to run to the ladies' room.

Who ever heard of a bathroom that doesn't have a window you can crawl out

What kind of dump is this?

Would you relax?

His parents probably love you. Just keep smiling and let them do all the

talking.

Looks like you remembered to take off all your price tags tonight.

Yeah, I did. And tonight's already been a total disaster, so if you could just

not pull anything else off of me, that'd be great.

Meeting your parents for the first time, huh?

Just be yourself here. They're either going to like you or not like you. But

they don't like you, better they don't like you because you're you.

Thank you for that totally unsolicited piece of advice. But we already have all

the wisdom we need. Oh, dear God.

Do people still read A Guide to Marrying Rich?

So much for the second wave of feminism.

That's what I'm saying.

Look, my parents love teaching.

And all they ever encouraged me to do was to find something that I loved

that I could do it for free and then try to make a living doing that.

And sure, I could have pursued a lot more things that would have earned me a

more money. But at the end of the day, I chose event planning because it's what

I really wanted to do.

And then I did unpaid internships and paid internships, and I worked myself to

the bone.

Wow. With that much drive, I'll bet you're very good at it, too.

I'm great at it, honestly.

But it's because I love doing it.

And I think you have to spend your life doing what you love.

Couldn't agree more.

So, if Rich wants to work at a county clinic, I think that he needs to do what

makes him happy.

Well, disagree on the county clinic thing, but... Of course.

We want Rich to be happy.

You know, I like your sponge.

We could use a little bit more of it around here.

So, here is the thing more of you.

I hope you're okay with staying here tonight.

I felt weird about staying at your house with your parents there.

Okay, first of all, my parents know that I have sex.

Oh, weird.

It's not crazy.

But more important, you made such a good impression.

You couldn't get them to dislike you, even if you tried.

I don't know. I'm pretty good at turning people off.

All I know is you're very good at turning me on.

Oh, sorry.

You're here?

It's all good. Oh, thank you.

They really did like me?

No, they loved you.

And I don't blame them.

Because I do, too.

They do?

Yeah.

I love you.

Ow. Ah.

Son of a bad dog. Mm -hmm. Oh.

What are you doing here? Well, I thought about it, and I felt really bad about

what happened the other night, so I couldn't tell you I was sorry, but then

thought if I open my mouth again, I might say the wrong thing, or, you know,

figured it was safer I'll take it out.

You got to admit, the duct tape, that was really cute.

I mean, who does that? Come on.

There it is.

Look, Liza, I really am sorry.

I had no right to say those things, and I never should have kissed you.

It was a real bender move.

Look, if you and Rich are happy... We're in love.

Actually.

Totally cool with that. I just... You know, I... I want my friend back.

I do, too.

So... We good?

We're good.

Good.

So... Now that we are friends again, I have something to do tomorrow.

And I could use a friend's help.

Okay. Wow.

So first you make me steal a car, and now we're stealing a boat.

What's next, Dougie? We're jet?

One of the members of the beach club is in Europe for a few weeks.

So he hired me.

He was brought in tip -top shape.

That means we're going to give it a workout.

Sailing it to his house in Montauk. And turning around.

How do you know how to do all of this?

Oh.

Oh, yeah, I was a pirate.

Oh. Well, more like a stowaway on a pirate ship.

Yarg.

I worked in a marine I did in summers off from college.

Got it.

Is it not the most beautiful day?

Yeah.

It's going to be good.

Watch out, watch out. I got it. I got it.

Here we go.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. She's right there. She's so crazy.

No, I can't believe we knew what to do. Thank God.

I can't believe we made it. Are you okay? Are you okay?

Yeah. I keep feeling fine.

I'm okay.

It's freezing in here.

Yeah. Let's get you warm.

First business to make out a storm.

Maybe I should have this in one pose.

I hope the storm didn't freak you out about being on a boat.

Because there's a chance I could get it again. And I'd love to take you to Block

Island. Oh, you'd love it.

What?

Um, nothing.

I'm kind of nauseous.

Well, the waters were a little choppy.

Probably just seasick.

Yeah.

Seasick.

Or... I'm feeling incredibly guilty and horrible about Rich. Right.

Right. Right, Rich. Well, you'll feel better as soon as you tell him.

Let him down easy.

Wait.

I don't know if that's what I wanted.

Honestly, I don't know how I feel.

Well, you seem to know exactly how you felt last night.

Yes.

Obviously, I like you.

Okay, and last night was... What?

That there was a storm and a fire and a house in Montauk. So, I don't know what

we were supposed to do. Okay, come on.

Eliza, we're both adults here. I know, and I have to take responsibility for my

own actions. Okay, I already learned this lesson.

It's just, I really care about him. And me?

I really care about you, too.

And this has nothing to do with his Bentley or... No. And if it did, this

be a lot easier.

He's a great guy, and he's kind, and he genuinely cares about people, and he

loves me.

And I can't just blow him off, because I love him, too.

Seriously?

Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. Well, when you do know...

Do me a favor. Let me know.

Okay?

I'm telling you, the sex was otherworldly.

Of course it was. He's broke. You've got to bring something to the table. I

don't think. The rich guy's bad in bed. Well, they don't have to be good.

I don't know what to do.

Sex just clattered your brain.

Everything's misfiring.

Don't do anything stupid. It was just a huge mistake.

Why is it a mistake for me, but it's okay for you to sleep with Ryan?

Well, because Ryan's just a piece of meat that I don't give two craps about.

Ouch.

Kind of.

What's that?

Uh, so... That's like the worst

picture of me ever.

I don't think so. I think it's...

It's perfect, but I guess that explains that.

What? The girl I thought you were versus the girl you actually are.

Screw you.

Yeah, that's exactly the idea. Not anymore, it's not.

How is this my fault? It's not my fault. See, that's what I can't do. I can't

pretend that everything is not my fault.

I did this.

I have to own it.

I have to tell Rich the truth. I have the book taught you nothing. What place

does the truth have in a relationship?

I agree with Eliza. Of course you do. Look, if you tell Rich what happened,

he'll break up with you.

And I have put too much effort into your relationship for it to fall apart now.

Plus... The book says that it's perfectly okay for a woman to have a few

about her past.

Don't tell my chef I was here, but sometimes you just need a great

Apologizing for eavesdropping, but when I wrote secrets about your past, I

didn't mean secrets about your present.

You're Margaret Dumont.

Unfortunately, I am.

You wrote The Guide to Marrying Rich. I did, but it was a long time ago, and to

be candid, I didn't know what I was talking about.

Nothing in that book is sound advice, even 50 years ago, except for the part

about always wearing a hat.

Who knew the havoc some damage would cause?

You're wrong. We both followed your rules, and now we both have rich

who are very handsome, and we've never been happier.

Oh, speak for yourself.

My life is a mess. Trust me.

I play it by the rules in the book.

And I was never truly happy.

Never truly in love.

Let me get that for you.

I missed you a lot this week.

I couldn't stop thinking about you. Um, actually, something that I wanted to

talk to you about is kind of important. Oh, one second. Here they are.

Hi.

Hi. Thank you.

Oh, such a surprise. Oh, yeah. My parents are in town, and they're joining

for brunch. Okay. It's my fault.

I insisted on hoarding in because I wanted to ask you a little favor.

Oh, um, what could I possibly do for you? Well, it's our 30th anniversary in

few weeks, and we just decided to hold a big bash for all our Hamptons friends.

Wow. What she means is she's been talking about this for months, and I

agreed to it. Okay.

Eliza, I would love it if you would help me out. Oh, wow.

And I'm not to know for an answer.

Oh, my.

So, as they are set up, how do you feel about the numbers?

Well, it's good. But really, I'm just concerned that the guest list is going

grow, because it always does.

And then we won't have room for the dance floor or the bandstand.

Unless we do 12 tops instead of 10 tops.

That could get a little tight.

Right, but not necessarily.

I'm thinking a Moroccan theme, so a night in Casablanca.

We'll do shared platters and tagines on the tables, so we don't have to worry

about serving, and the whole thing will feel just a lot more cozy and intimate.

And then, to offset the white of the hotel, long, sheer, colorful drapes.

And what about large, pillar candles on the table? Absolutely. And Persian rugs

lying on the floor.

I love this idea.

Eliza, you are just fabulous.

Thank you.

Okay, so, um... The bandstand. Yes.

We'll build it up towards the back.

You know, we really miss you at Phil's. It's just not the same without you.

Okay. No, really.

If your shirt smelled like feet, I'd never sleep with anyone.

Seriously? This is your way of trying to get me back into bed?

Is it working?

No.

Fine.

I think that looks good. Yeah.

Do you know why Brian is being such a tool?

Maybe because he's a human being with actual feelings?

I don't think that's it.

You better not be screwing someone else.

Oh, sir.

Lulu looks great on you.

Looking at him like that. Like what?

Like you care.

Can you sweep that mess under the rug where no one will ever find it? For I

promise you, it will bite you in the ass.

I'm not going to say anything, okay?

It's not you I'm worried about anymore.

It's him.

Are we going to show up to your wedding singing some stupid air supply song at

the top of his lungs?

Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Just go over there and be a bitch.

If you have any problem with that, pretend you're me.

Hey. I don't know how else to say this, but whatever this is,

it's over.

Because you're with him?

Yeah, I am.

So, you don't feel anything for me?

Not like that.

I don't believe you.

Well, you don't get to tell me what I want or how I feel.

So, I don't want you.

So, goodbye.

You're doing a great job.

Okay.

Hey,

busboy.

I need a word with him.

Come with me.

Oh, my God, Eliza. I don't believe it.

I knew you'd be good, but you are so much better than good. Well, thank you

letting me play with an unlimited budget in one week's time.

Unlimited.

Oh, honey, you haven't had your martini yet. Let's go get that.

Oh, and Eliza, the owner of the hotel, David Zane, flew in for the event.

You're kidding. No, I'll introduce you later. He's going to love what you've

done.

That would be amazing.

Rich, honey, don't let that girl get away.

I won't.

Sophia, I'm so happy my nephew's finally met a girl. Thanks, Becky.

Hey, hey, hey, Aunt Becky. That's right. I hope I'll be seeing more of you.

Oh, thank you so much for that. She totally bought it.

But? Us, like, being a thing.

We are a thing.

Aren't we?

I mean, well, technically, I'm gay.

Yeah, I know.

Nobody turns this down.

That cook certainly doesn't.

Your head over heels for him.

I am not.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Don't poke Yoda at me at a time

this.

John?

I love you.

Sophia, please.

I'm at least in love with the idea of you, and I think that is the foundation

for a long -lasting marriage.

You don't seriously want us to be together, do you? Why not?

I mean, maybe you didn't get the memo, but basically everyone's pan now, and no

one cares who you sleep with, especially not me, so long as you marry me and

make me very, very rich. My Aunt Becky cares, which is the only reason I care.

She's in charge of my trust funds, so... So, what are you saying? Look, we're

both benefiting from this arrangement.

You're a fantastic dance partner.

So are you.

And if we could grab dinner, say, once every quarter with Aunt Becky?

I want you to buy me something very expensive.

How about a boat?

Make it a yacht and we're good.

I really need to talk to you.

Want to get a tipsy? You know I do.

I really need to talk to you. So?

This whole time, I've been John's beard.

I kind of saw that coming. And also, I think I'm in love with Ryan.

Of course you're in love with Ryan.

He's perfect for you. He adores you more than you adore yourself. And what more

could you really ask for?

I've got to go find him. How do I look? Like a million bucks.

Which I'll never have.

Yeah, but I think I will. So you know what's mine is yours.

Wait, that's what you want to talk to me about?

Yeah, so this is the thing.

Rich's mom told him to never let me go, and then he held on to me with some sort

of vice grip and said that he won't. And so, Sophia... Oh, my God. Yeah, I think

this is happening. And it's what you want.

Yeah, of course it is. So you definitely don't love Doug.

What? Why are you asking me that?

This whole time you've been... I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

It's just I was... The book was wrong. Margaret said it herself.

Okay, but just because you're ready to run off with Ryan... Okay,

Rich is amazing. And I could see our whole future together. It's one where I

everything, like the career and the townhouse and... The guy.

Rich is the guy you want.

Yes.

I'm so happy for you.

It's a little bit jelly, but I'm mostly happy.

Eliza?

I think Rich wants to show you something in the lawn.

Okay.

This is it. Okay.

I think I just got to go to the bathroom. I wish I could go pee, like

quick. But I think I'll be right there. I'll be right back. I'll be right out.

Mom and dad now.

Rich, I didn't expect this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... I do.

Trying to convince yourself, you want to say, yes?

Margaret?

No, I just... I just want the moment to be perfect. Oh, what a crock. Where is

the sex appeal in perfect?

Sweetheart, I've given a lot of bad advice in my time.

But what I'm about to tell you, you can take to the bank.

You can't marry someone you don't love.

I do love him.

If you say so.

But I'll tell you what.

I've been there, done that six times over.

All I'm saying is, make sure you've got that magic going for you.

It's magic.

I love you.

And I want to keep loving you forever, if you'll let me.

So, Eliza... Okay.

Will you marry me? Sorry, would you stop?

Can you just... Sorry.

Would you just come up?

You are such an amazing guy.

Why?

I don't think that what we have is magic.

But that's not to say that I don't think that magic doesn't exist, because I

think that it does. It's just that what it takes to make magic is messy and

sweaty and dirty and sticky and... You

are such...

So clean.

So what you're saying is I'm too perfect.

Kind of.

Yeah. I mean, you are so nice and generous and handsome.

And what you do like this is so impressive.

And I'm embarrassed to say this, but.

I feel like I just got swept up in the fantasy of... Shh.

I think I need to sit down.

No, no. Okay, I'm good. Yeah.

I've just... I've been where you are a lot.

It sucks to think that the person that you love might be using you.

So, what?

You were just here for the fancy dinners and the once -in -a -season event that

you got to plan, and now that you've got everything that you wanted, you're out?

That is one really horrible interpretation of what happened. It's

sorry that that's even on the table.

You probably won't believe this, but I really did love spending time with you.

Like, a lot.

It's just that I feel like I... I don't even know you. Because we haven't spent

that much time together.

I feel like you don't really know you either, apart from who your parents want

you to be.

And I know that you don't want to take advice from a girl who's... Breaking

heart?

But please, just go out there and find that thing that makes you happy.

Like, really happy.

Like what you geek out for the hell out of that

Okay,

well I'm I'm gonna be about returning a ring

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Have you ever heard of consent?

Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah. No, totally. No, yeah.

Um, it just, well, I was, I was talking to John and, you know, it's not about,

it's, it's, um,

this picture.

It's, it's not the worst picture of me. It's, um, it's just this picture is

me.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not a big, fancy, famous model. I'm a girl from Nebraska who's terrified of

ending up back where she started.

I left saying I could make something of myself, and look at me.

I have nothing.

Hey, that's not true.

Come on, you were... You're a big deal.

Really not. I'm not.

Not true. I live with, like, seven other models. It's gross. It's just not cute.

It's... This is from my J

.C. Penny shoes.

Why do you have this? My mom orders the catalogs.

She goes through them to tell me what to get her for Christmas, and then I go

through them for, uh... material.

Mm -hmm.

For my mood board, okay?

Anyways... I'm back home for the holidays a few years ago, and there you

And I thought, man, that's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

And then I met you.

It's crazy.

And I got to meet her.

I thought, that's the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I'm sorry.

I mean... You're sorry, and...

You want to be with me?

Yeah, I do.

We also have a yacht.

What? Yeah.

Since when? Like five minutes ago.

Okay.

You guys.

Um, has anyone seen Doug?

Okay.

Oh.

Wait a minute. You're Eliza, right?

Uh, yeah.

David Zane. Oh, you're the guy who owns the hotel.

That would be me, yes.

Really excellent work you did here. I've never seen this place look better.

Thanks. You know, I'm always looking for a talented event manager, if you'd be

interested.

You know what?

No.

In this case and in this case only, no means yes. No, it doesn't.

No means no.

I would never work for you, Mr. Zane, because I've seen the way that you talk

one of your employees earlier.

Yeah, you call them busboy?

That's not his name.

His name is Doug.

And he is more than just his job. You know, everyone here is.

And you know what?

It's people like you that make people like us feel like we have to act a fool

just to get a little piece of what you've got.

But what you've got, it ain't a lot.

Because what you've got makes people forget the most important thing, which

how we treat people.

So, I'm going to find Doug.

And I'm going to tell him that I love him.

And I'm taking this with me.

Is that a boombox?

Okay, plot twist.

The woman is the creepy stalker.

What is that music?

Silver. The Brits.

Good.

I didn't think you guys were good friends.

We weren't.

You need to know that I've been burned.

And meeting you, I got scared.

Because I thought, well, here I go again.

I know how this ends.

But the thing is, even if you take me for everything that I have, which is...

Almost nothing, so it would be a really dumb scam if you did.

But even if you let me take care of you while you're becoming whatever wonderful

thing you're going to become, and then you leave me brokenhearted,

I'm going to be upset.

But it will all have been worth it, because every cell in my being is

that I have to be with you.

Because when I'm with you, I'm me.

I love you, Dougie.

And if you can forgive me, I don't know what that means or where we go from

here. It doesn't matter. I want to go there with you.

You know I'm crazy about you.

You know what's bad?

I could have provided us with a nice little life right here in the Hamptons.

The douche that runs this hotel, he offered me a job, and I told him off.

What? You told him off?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was kind of epic, honestly. But I was doing it to defend you.

Um,

so...

Do you want that job?

Are you kidding? It's a dream job.

Then it's yours.

I don't think my dad will fault you for telling him off in defense of his son.

Wait, what?

My name's Doug Zane, and in two weeks I start as vice president of operations

for Zane Hotels.

Are you kidding me?

I made my dad promise not to blow my cover.

I just wanted to spend the summer learning as much as I could.

I knew that there was no way I could get the real deal if everyone knew who I

was, so... So you're telling me you're... Loaded, yeah.

Don't hate me.

I mean, I don't know.

You did lie to me.

So it may take me some time to get over this.

Okay, I'm over it.

I'm over it.

Hey, dummy.

What do you think you're doing?

You're on the clock.

I hope you don't think you're going to be working here next summer.

No, I hope you don't think you're going to be working here next summer.

Excuse me?

Kind of owned the place.

Yeah, I just found out.

My phone.

Doug's dead.

Yeah.

See you, Eric.

Would you like to partake in this rhythmic ceremonial ritual?

Oh, the fish under the sea dance?

Go by the ocean.

But it's thicker.

I'll try.

Thank you.