All language subtitles for Superior.Donuts.s01E03

TUSH: Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yeah?

I may have just invented
a new taste sensation.

Yeah, what is it, Tush?

I take a donut hole,

I put a little coffee
in the middle,

I call it the Tush-hole.

I don't think
that's a good idea...

No, shh, shh.
Let's just enjoy this.

Yes?

It doesn't have to be
coffee, of course.

You could put anything
in your Tush-hole.

Hey, that could be
our ad campaign.

"What do you like
in your Tush-hole?"

Oop, I just heard it.
Never mind.

(laughs)

(Fawz yells)

(yells)

Fawz, what's going on?

My dry cleaners was robbed!

No!
Are you okay?

Those bastards took everything!

My computers, my chemicals,

my hangers that say,
"We Don't Use Chemicals."

Cop, girl cop, come and help.

Uh, girl cop's
not going anywhere

till she's had
her coffee.

In the last 24 hours,
we've had six break-ins,

two muggings and
one public urinator.

I really had to go.

Did I really
have to watch?

Uh, the coffee's still brewing.

All right, it'll be
a few more minutes.

Fine. I'll be next door.

I have to give the insurance
company my wish list.

I mean, the list of things
that were stolen.

This crime wave is hitting
close to home, ain't it?

Yeah, what's been
happening here?

I thought this neighborhood was
supposed to be getting nicer.

Well, a spike in crime is often
a byproduct of gentrification.

As Biggie Smalls once said,
"More Money, More Problems."

It's actually
"Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."

I'm not comfortable
saying it that way.

Yeah, the crime wave's
gotten so bad,

the department's bringing in
reinforcements to help out.

Yay, great.
More cops.

You know what that means:

more pat downs.
More business.

All this crime, guess it's time
to bring out my bus face.

Did you say "bus face"?

Yeah, it's this face I use
on public transportation

so people don't mess with me.

Let's see it.

(clears throat softly)

Oh, that's so cute.

Adorable.

Like a constipated
Disney princess.

Maya, that face might work
out in the suburbs,

but you're in Uptown now.

If you want the creepos
on the bus to leave you alone,

do what I do:
act like a crazy person.

Please don't
show her how.

Let me show you how.

I invented a character
I call Johnny Buggins.

He has a voice like this.

(crazy voice):
Oh, hello there, Mr. James.

You have beautiful eyes.

May I take one home
and feed it to my robot?

I hate Johnny Buggins.

(normal voice):
Works every time.

What is taking you
so long?

You two are like
Cagney and Lazy.

Starsky and Not Much.

Law & Order another donut.

Okay, we get it!

All right, just--
we'll be right here.

Forget the coffee.

Give me some beans.
Okay.

What?

Sugar.
Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Cream.
Damn.

Come on, junior, let's roll.

Oh! Just kicked in.

♪ ♪

Yo, that club
was so lit.
Right?

That girl was
so into me.

Yeah, man, but
look, next time,

can you not introduce
me as your butler?

Let me check on the
store real quick.

Arthur? Is that you?

Oh, geez!

What the hell
you guys doing out here?

Well, I thought
with everything going on,

I would check
on the store.

It's 4:00 in the morning!

Well, yeah, Sweatpants and I,
we just got back

from this after-hours club.

How do you dance
in those tight pants?

Oh, well,
I'm more of a upper-body guy.

I see.

And I'm strictly
lower body.
Yeah.

Yeah. Well, an-anyway...

What? Oh, you want some?
Hmm? Hmm?

Hey, hey!

Hey, guys!
Oh!

Huh?
I'm-a catch
you later, man.

All right, man, be good.
All right, see you.
All right.

What are you
doing out, huh?

In your robe.

On your way to
a prizefight?

(chuckles)
No.

I just go down the block
to the paper box

and pick up a Sun-Times.

What? That's, like,
four blocks away, man.

Well, so what?
I do it every morning.

It's my routine.

Arthur, you cannot be walking
around this neighborhood

at this hour, man.
People get mugged.

One time, I got robbed
right over there.

Yeah, I know,
that's because you're a target.

I mean, look at me,
I got nothing to steal.

Well, except for
that coin purse.

Oh, wait, that's
not a coin purse!

Says he does it every morning.

All by himself,
to the corner and back.

That's a bad idea.
Most crimes are committed

between 2:00 and 6:00
in the morning.

Yeah, and Arthur's an old man.

He shouldn't be out at 4:00 a.m.
He should be in bed,

having sex dreams about
Angela Lansbury or somebody.

Well, he's been
getting that paper forever.

Good luck trying
to get him to stop.

(grunts)
There we go.

Fawz, what the hell is that?

Since I was robbed, I'm taking
matters into my own hands.

I will place him in the window
to deter criminals.

You've heard of a scarecrow?

This is a scarecop.

So, Fawz, let me guess,

you got the black mannequin
because it's scarier?

No, because it was cheaper.

Which is terrible.

You really think
that's gonna work?

I have to do something.

Sal's Florist Shop
was robbed last night.

Thank God no one was hurt.

Oh, except for Sal,
who was beaten severely.

Old man Sal?

He's been in this neighborhood
just as long as Arthur has.

He's in the hospital,
but he's gonna be okay.

Come on, let's go duct tape
this donut to your hand.

Make you more authentic.

This is ridiculous, man.

I got, I got to talk to him.

Yo, Arthur.
No.

You don't even know
what I'm about to...
I like my morning paper.

But why don't you get...
I don't want a subscription.

Ha! I wasn't
gonna say that.

I was gonna say
"prescription,"

but I knew that
wasn't right.

Oh.
Come on, man.

Everybody's getting hit.

You heard about Sal, right?

Yeah, yeah, and it was terrible,
but he's not like me.

Look, I love
starting off my morning

with a nice short walk outside.

I find it invigorating.

Oh, come on, Arthur.
I need you to be safe.

I am safe! Look,

I've taken over 15,000 trips
to that newspaper box.

Nothing bad
has ever happened to me.

And no way I'm giving
up my independence.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's a slippery slope.

One day, you give up
your morning walk,

the next day, you're taking
my car keys from me.

You don't even
have a car.

I'm glad you think that.

(phone ringing)

Oh, Franco.

Franco, why you calling me
so early?

FRANCO: 'Cause I didn't
want to scare you.

Scare me?
How could you scare me?

By being inside
your apartment.

What the hell
are you doing in here?

Teaching you a lesson.

You see, you think you're
invincible, but you're not.

Hey, how'd you get in?

The better question is:

out of all the many
and easy ways to get in,

which one did I choose?

Did I use telekinesis
to open the lock with my mind?

No, he did not.

It was I, Sweatpants,

using the spare key
you keep under your doormat.

Ah.
FRANCO:
All right, Sweatpants,

tell Arthur what
you'd do to him.

I don't know.

Guess I'll probably
tie you up to this chair,

take all of your stuff,

realize...
you've seen my face.

Place a lit cigarette
in your hand

and burn this place down
so nobody knows I was here.

FRANCO:
Yeah.

He just finished watching
The Wire.

Well, I guess I better
get rid of this spare key.

Good. Good, good, good.

But that's not how I got in.

Say I was an eager,
young criminal,

and I noticed
that the fire escape

leads me up
to the second-story window,

with a latch
that appears to be busted.

Oh, come on.

Who'd want to do all that
just to get in here?

Someone like me.

Who would take a blanket,
put it over your head,

handcuff you to a radiator

and crazy glue
your butt cheeks together.

Where you getting
this stuff, man?

Five older brothers,
no adult supervision.

So you got in
through this window?

No, I did not.

I got in by jumping
on top of the Dumpster

in the alleyway and climbing
through your bedroom window.

Wait a minute.

You can get in my bedroom window
from the alley?

Let's ask Sweatpants.
Sweatpants!

Was I supposed to come in
through the bedroom?

All right, all right,
you made your point. Wow.

Never thought I would be
this vulnerable.

Good. So you agree
that I should take

a few safety precautions
around here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you guys get--

just get the hell
out of here, okay?

All right, come on,
Sweatpants, time to go.

You know,
I really expected more cats.

Well, Johnny Buggins,

that crazy act
doesn't work.

I tried it with
some weirdo on the bus,

and he invited me
to spend the night

in his abandoned dryer
under the highway.

All right, slow down.

Show me your Buggins.

Give me a freaking donut!

(laughs)

It was so cute.

You're like a
British Muppet.

Damn it.

Yo, so I just got
off the phone

with a security
company,

and they can, uh, put
bars in the windows

and install some cameras
all over the entrances.

Is Arthur cool
with all this surveillance?

Yeah, he said
I could take a few precautions.

This is nothing.
In my country,

the secret police
were everywhere.

How did you know
they were secret police?

Good point.

Maybe it was just a
bunch of nosy people.

Who abducted
my grandfather!

Well, the cameras will protect
Arthur when he's here,

but what about
when he goes out at night?

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.
See, I was thinking

we can all take turns
watching over him.

So, I bought this calendar
at the drug store.

Sexy firemen calendar?

It was on sale! All right...

Whoa, whoa, check
out those pecs.

Someone call 911,
am I right?

Can we focus on the schedule?
Thank you.

All right,
so I can do the morning shifts,

but Arthur goes to the bank
at night,

so I need someone to volunteer
to walk with him.

I can do Mondays after school.

Okay.
I'm free Thursdays.

Thursdays.

How much time does
he spend in the gym?

I mean, that's like
an eight-pack.

Put me down for abs-days.
I mean Wednesdays.

FRANCO:
Arthur,

glad you're here, man.

So, look, I had an idea,
all right,

um, that we'd all,
you know, accompany you

while you walked
around the neighborhood.

So you'll be
babysitting me, huh?

Nah, not at all.

It's just friends
looking after another friend.

Look, look, I'm not
a pathetic old man.

You know, I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.

We talked about this, man.
You need to be safe.

I agree, which is why
I bought this.

Oh!

We're going to be on the news!

Where'd you get that?

I went to a gun show.

Man, do they hate Obama.

We never talked about
you getting a gun.

Hey, come on, come on,
you're the one that wanted me

to be safe from
all the criminals, right, huh?

So now I got a gun,
now I'm safe.

Mind if I take a look
at that?

Looks like a Beretta 92FS,
double-action,

semiautomatic,
nine-millimeter.

15-round magazine. Yep.

You're definitely gonna
blow your head off.

Thanks.

How do you know
so much about guns?

I used to work
in a liquor store.

Wait until Jerry finds out

that Arthur has a gun.

Who's Jerry?

My scarecop.

I like to imagine his life
before he met me.

You know, he started out
as a menswear mannequin,

but became a cop because
he wanted to make a difference.

Now he's two weeks from
retirement, and, uh...

I have a lot of down time
at the dry cleaners!

Arthur, look, I'm just
trying to protect you.

So why do you want
to take my gun away?

Maybe because studies prove
that a gun in the home

poses a greater threat to family
members than to intruders.

That's true, but in states
where gun ownership goes up,

violent crime goes down.

Yeah, but 86% of...

Who cares?!

Like, 100% of Arthur
owns a gun right now,

which makes me a million
percent freaked out.

But why?
Now you're protected.

If a bad guy comes
into the shop,

Arthur can just
boom-boom, boom-boom!

That's shooting,
not dancing.

Wait, do you own a gun?

Guns.

And also no.

This is Chicago, okay?
Yeah, yeah.

I knew a lot of guys
who thought having a gun

would make them feel
safer, and it didn't.

It just got them shot.

Randy, James,

we got a situation.

Arthur bought a gun;
you got to stop him.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Is it registered?
You got a permit?

Yes.

Well, then I
can't stop him.

And the way crime's been lately,
it's not a half-bad idea.

So you're just
cool with this?

Well, if he's a responsible
gun owner, I'm fine.

JAMES: I don't know.
As a police officer,

I've seen
way too many people

hurt themselves
with their own gun.

FRANCO: Mm-hmm.
He shot himself.

I shot myself.

Well, you don't have to
worry about me.

I've handled a gun.
I've been in the Army.

You were a cook.

A pastry chef.

Yeah, but believe me, I've seen
a lot of stuff go down.

Like what, a soufflé?

Randy, come on,
please help me out here.

All right, look, Arthur,

if you're really serious
about this,

we're gonna do it
the safe way.

I'm gonna take you
to the shooting range

and make sure you can
handle that thing.

All right, fine, if that'll
make everybody comfortable.

I'm going, too.

I want to see
if I should invest

in a Kevlar apron
and a bulletproof hairnet.

Come on, it's just a gun.
How complicated can it be?

Happens to me all the time.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Get out of my shop!

Those donuts might be
filled with jelly,

but I'm about
to fill you with lead!

Bam! Bam!

Would you stop
saying "bam"?
Huh?

The guns make
the noises for you.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
I got carried away.

Okay, let's see
the damage.

(clears throat)

(grunts)

Good news, they can
use this one again.

There must be something
wrong with that target.

You know, in basketball,
I used to blame the hoop

until I realized I just suck.
(sighs)

Arthur, this, uh, gun thing
may just not be for you.

Why don't we get you
a whistle

and some pepper spray?
Oh, wonderful.

Does that come with kitten
heels and a girdle, hmm?

What year do you think it is?

Look, Arthur,
we gave it a try.

Yeah, man.

Gun is not for you,
especially at your age.

All right,
all right.

I'll give up the gun, if
that'll get you off my back.

Yes, it would.
(gunfire)

And will you stop hanging out

at 4:00 a.m. in your robe?

All right, I'll wait
for the sun to rise,

like a damn rooster.

Just tie your robe, so I don't
see your cock-a-doodle-doo.

Oh.

Look, a little present
for my ex-husband.

Shall we go?

Arthur, no!
Oh, my God! Oh, geez!

(panting)

I almost shot you.

You said you got rid of that.

I just wanted you
to get off my back.

Why are you following me?

'Cause I knew you were lying.

Just hand it over, okay?

All right.

(siren whooping)

OFFICER (over loudspeaker):
Drop the gun.

Okay, close your robe,
then drop the gun.

OFFICER: Well, I have
to say I'm impressed.

How'd you manage to wrestle a
gun away from this young man?

Huh?

Why you assume
I was robbing him?

It was his gun.

And what would I want to steal
from him, his flip phone?

Ah, we have a motive.

Yeah, you got me.

I'm the uptown
obsolete-technology bandit.

And a confession.

Oh, come on,
would you stop it?

It was my gun.
He works for me.

Have you called
Officer DeLuca yet, huh?

I told you,
she'll vouch for us.

Yeah, she said she's on the way,

she just needs
a cup of coffee first.

All right, you guys hang tight.
FRANCO: All right.

Damn, I almost
killed you.

Yeah, you could have.

Now can you
give up the gun?

I guess it's obvious I
shouldn't be carrying one.

But I'm not gonna let you scare
me out of living my own life.

Do you understand?

Okay.

I'll back off.

All right.

Look, man, you...

you at least have to let me
put up some bars on the windows

or some cameras
or something.

Can I still get the
newspaper by myself?

Can you wait till
the sun comes up?

Or read the news online
like everyone else under 90?

I'll wait till
the sun comes up.

Thank you.

And, look, I'm-I'm sorry
I got in your head.

All right.

But I lost a lot of friends
to guns in this damn city,

all right?

And I can't stand the thought
of losing another one.

Oh, so now I'm
your friend, huh?

Not if you keep making
my emotional moments about you.

(laughing)

Selfish bastard.

All right,
bring it in, man.
Yeah.

No, no.
Where...

No, over. There.

Are you okay, sir?!
Is he trying to assault you?!

Oh, stop it, will you?!

Randy, hey!
Hey!

Randy.
FRANCO: Hey, Randy.

Go ahead. Go for it.

So, DeLuca, were you on a date,

or did you get a job
as a blackjack dealer?

No, but he was 21.

And I did tell him
to hit it.

Solid. Nice one.

All right, look.

He's cool, and he's cool.

So are you cool
if I take it from here?

Yeah.
Thank you.

Bye.
All right, all right.

Thank you, Randy.

Well, I guess I got to start
making the donuts now, huh?

Good. Kill people
the old-fashioned way--

with heart disease
and diabetes.

Yeah.

Thanks, Randy.

Well, where you going
with those?

I told you, I have a date.

All right, got two cameras
in the shop,

two outside, and two upstairs
in Arthur's apartment.

And all the cameras are linked
to this app on my phone.

Where is Arthur,
anyway?

Haven't seen him
all morning.

He's running an errand,
but he just got back.

How do you know?
Well, look.

Ooh. Yeah, that fish-eye lens
is not his friend.

Whoa! It wasn't the lens.

Well, hopefully we won't be
seeing much on those cameras.

The extra police presence

is starting
to make a difference.

That's right.

Crime in uptown
is trending downtown.

(chuckles)

In my head,
that was hilarious.

I'm just glad we can
stop working so hard.

(Fawz yells)

Come with me!

Some kids just stole
my scarecop!

Come on, Hawaii Five-Slow,
let's go!

It's all you, James.

All right, I'm on it.

Yes! We can watch
the chase on my phone, look.

Let's see.

Oh! Mannequin cop down!

No, that's James.

(groans)

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org