Original subtitles

Hey, good morning, Randy. What can I get you?

Something to throw up in.

Arthur, she needs the puke bucket.

Which one? Saint Patrick's Day or Cubs season opener?

I just looked at my Facebook.

My ex-husband is running around Europe with his new girlfriend.

Literally. They just jogged from Belgium to Luxembourg.

Aw, what a beautiful couple.

Of insensitive jerks.

Girlfriend, you got to get on Facebook

and show him how great your life is.

She already did.

Yesterday she posted

about her new big purchase, pans.

Did you say "pants"?

No. That was Tuesday.

- The stretch corduroys? - Yeah.

I was excited for you.

Randy, it's simple.

You need to make your life look better than your ex's.

My Iraqi cousins who follow me on Instagram

think that I'm the owner of the Chicago Bulls

and I'm married to a Kardashian.

I hang out in a donut shop with you people.

What is so exciting about that?

Hey, excuse me,

but these napkin dispensers happen to be brand new.

Who says you can't exaggerate a little?

I happen to be a wiz with Photoshop.

I can make it look like you're anywhere in the world.

I don't know.

This is why I'm on a social media detox.

All those "likes" and "retweets"

are just another form of instant gratification.

I don't need that. Where's my damn donut?!

Franco, it's here, your letter from Dearborn College.

I thought you already got in.

Oh, now it's my financial aid package.

Now I'll find out if I can actually afford to go.

I'm so nervous.

That's why I brought you some homemade cookies.

No, man. I'm too anxious for that.

What I really need is some weed.

Just eat the cookies.

All right, here we go.

"Dear Mr. Wicks. You've been awarded a package of grants,

"loans, and work-study that are the equivalent of"...

First year tuition! I'm covered!

Boom! Let's celebrate. Pass me the cookies.

That's terrific, Franco.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this?

"Additional fees not included?"

Facilities fee, a health plan fee,

art supplies fee? That's almost $3,000!

Now I'm depressed. Pass me the cookies.

Yo, Arthur, can I get an advance?

Again? I gave you four in the last two months.

You got to figure something else out.

You need to find some more income, baby.

Franco, how much do you and Sweatpants pay for rent?

$800.

How much of that do you pay?

$800.

Okay, I know where this is going,

but Franco does not have time for a second job.

No, he doesn't, but you have time for a first one.

I've had plenty of jobs. I was Santa for Christmas.

I was the Easter Bunny on Easter.

And I know I was Baby New Year for something.

Yo, I hate to say this, but Arthur's right.

You got to find a job, a steady one.

Fine. Guess I'll update my r�sum�.

All right.

Does "making weed cookies" go under skills or hobbies?

Okay. Here's the plan.

I take your picture, we drop it into a bunch

of fancy European locations, and voilà.

Your ex goes full-on FoMO,

which means "fear of missing out"

and not what you're thinking, Fawz.

Hey, man, I'm not FoMO-phobic.

Okay, first, you're in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on, loosen up.

You just spent the day wandering the Champs-Elys�es,

enjoying vichyssoise and Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

What?

You saw a mime and it's cool.

Oh!

Now you're in the Louvre looking at the Mona Lisa.

Ah.

Ooh, but it's smaller than you thought.

Oh.

All right.

Time for some Photoshop magic.

Ay! I just got a text from Sweatpants, man.

He got a job.

- Already? That was quick. - Yeah.

Well, wasn't that quick. It took seven years, dude.

Have you guys been living together that long?

Yeah, when my dad kicked me out, I moved in with his family

till I found my own place.

And then when his folks moved back to Maryland,

he moved in with me. Dude's like my brother.

So where's he working?

At a retirement home. You know what this means?

When he comes home at night, he's gonna smell weird?

It means I'm gonna be rolling in it.

Okay, perfect!

Take a look.

Oh, wow. It really looks like I'm in Paris.

Wait till Paul sees this.

While you're at it,

you think you could put my head on Ryan Gosling's body?

For your wife?

Sure, for my wife.

Woo! There he is.

Where have you been?

We got to play Medieval Dead.

I've been waiting for you so we can crack level 19.

Cool. But look, man. I got you some donuts so we can celebrate.

My favorite kind.

Free!

So, uh, what are we celebrating?

Your new job.

Oh, yeah, about that.

- I'm not taking the job. - What the...?

The hell, man?

Well, in the interview they said

I could be Assistant Activities Director.

And I was like, "Bingo!" because you know old people love Bingo.

So I go to orientation today,

and they say I got to wear these-these baggy scrubs.

Why would I want to hide these natural curves?

You always do this, man.

Any time you get an opportunity, you just blow it away.

Like that time you quit the job being a limo driver.

I wasn't allowed to talk.

Or-or the time you quit being a tour guide.

Sometimes I get shy.

Come on, dude, l-look.

The minute I find a job that's fulfilling, I am there.

No, no, man. So I got to wait for you to be fulfilled

before I can pay for art school?

You know what?

Ever since you got into college,

you've been walking around here like you Ving Rhames.

Ay, don't-don't start with that right now, man.

You think you're better than me, and I'm just dragging you down.

You're not dragging me down,

but look, I got all these new bills, dude.

And I-I need a roommate who can pay his share of the rent.

So what are you saying? Are you-you kicking me out?

You're not giving me much of a choice, dude.

Wow. I thought we were friends.

Well, friends don't spend seven years freeloading, do they?

Freeloading? I do tons of stuff for you.

I wake you up in the morning for work,

I cook, I wash the dish.

Thank you.

But is any of that gonna help me pay for college?

Well, if that's how you feel,

I'll gather my things and leave.

- These are all your things. - Yeah, I just realized that.

Okay, well, you know what, packing will be a breeze.

May I borrow a suitcase?

Look, you ain't got to leave right this second.

Where you gonna stay?

Mm-mm. Don't worry about me.

I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help.

I need your help.

It's after midnight. What's going on?

Franco kicked me out.

So either I sleep on your couch or in a Dumpster.

I recommend the one behind the mattress shop.

Hey, hey!

This is all your fault.

You're the reason he turned against me.

With all your crazy ideas about me being useful and productive.

All right, fine. You've got three days.

Sorry!

You've got two days.

Hello, Arthur. I will have a maple cream, please.

We're doing self-serve today.

Just grab a donut, leave the money.

What about my change?

Just take it out of the Cancer Fund box.

What's wrong? Why are you so out of it?

Sweatpants kept me up all damn night.

You could've warned me about the sleepwalking.

And also the sleep eating.

Well, you know what he's never done

is "sleep pay the cable bill."

Thank God he's only staying another two days.

Hey, look, I feel bad kicking him out, you know,

but I need the cash.

And I already found a new roommate off the bulletin board at my school.

The dude Venmo'd me two months' rent already.

- Is he a husky Polynesian fella? - How'd you know?

He's staring at you through the window.

Zale!

I didn't want to intrude.

I invited you, man. Come here, bring it in.

Uh, germs.

Different germs.

Well, anyway, I got your key.

Oh, just drop it in.

Anyway, um...

Do you want a donut on the house?

Oh, no, slippery slope.

You give me something free, then you'll come to where I work

- and expect a free sandwich. - Ooh!

So you get free sandwiches, huh? That's dope.

So it begins.

Well...

I'm off.

You certainly are.

Okay, he's a little weird.

He's getting into an Uber through the sunroof.

Yeah, but he can afford that Uber, hmm? And rent.

Good advice, Arthur.

Aw, he's asleep.

Yes, asleep.

Oh, no, we have a problem.

My ex just texted me. He's in Paris.

So?

His hotel is right on the same block

as the caf� you checked me in.

He wants me to meet him there.

Okay, don't get your baguettes in a twist.

Text him back, say you're just leaving for a rendezvous

with a tall, dark Frenchman.

Oh, no. It's too late.

He's calling, and if I don't answer,

it's gonna seem suspicious.

Sacrebleu! We're going live from Cafe L'Argent!

Uh, everybody act French!

Uh, allo.

- Not you! - Oh, oh.

Hello. Hi. What's up?

- Uh, Cirque du Soleil! Ooh-la-la! - Uh,

- G�rard Depardieu! - Oh.

Oh, yes, it certainly is 8:30 here in France!

Oh, so, you want to... you want to swing by the caf�?

Uh, oh, no!

Madame, I just spilled some French food on you!

Oh, oh, no, what a mess!

I think I'm gonna have to go change.

I-I'm so sorry I won't be able to see you.

- Au revoir. - Au revoir.

We meet again, Malthazar.

The golden chalice...

shall be mine.

En garde!

Wow. That felt real.

Is this what you've been doing all day?

Hey, Arthur.

Nah, it's a virtual reality game

that transports you into a medieval fantasy world.

- You got to try it. Come on. - No, no, don't put

that thing on me... I don't want your stupid... Whoa!

- Yeah. - Half man, half horse.

Oh. He's so beautiful.

Hey, come on, Arthur, come and sit and play, man.

You know what goes great with dragon slaying?

Nachos and beer.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa, this is absolutely amazing!

Yeah. I'm glad you're enjoying it, roomie.

Oh, by the way, you know how I said

I was gonna move in with my cousin Bruce?

Well, he's out of town, so is it cool

- if I stay with you another couple of weeks? - Sure. Why not?

Whoa!

Check out the figure on that fairy princess.

Who needs real women? Am I right?

No offense, milady.

Franco, why are you so late?

I spent all night in urgent care,

'cause it turns out Zale is allergic to lettuce.

P.S. I'm his emergency contact now.

Well, at least your money situation is taken care of.

I guess so.

Well, speaking of roommates,

did Sweatpants find a place to live yet?

Well, actually, he's gonna be staying with me

for a couple more weeks, and then he's gonna be moving in with...

His cousin Bruce?

- How did you know? - That dude

has been talking about moving in with his cousin Bruce

for the last seven years, man.

- What?! - Yeah.

Hey-hey-hey, roomie!

Oh.

Hello.

Sweatpants.

You look well.

As do you.

By the way, Arthur and I

have been playing a lot of Medieval Dead lately.

Oh.

Malthazar says hark.

Malthazar?

You... you got to level 19 without me?

Where was the key?

The gargoyle had it the whole time.

He wanted a hundred coins, but... Arthur talked him down.

Congratulations to the both of you.

Mm-hmm.

Great news.

Medieval Dead 2 is dropping next Friday!

Sweatpants, you're not gonna be living in my place next Friday.

So we're moving?

Sit down.

Listen.

Why can't you get a job?

I've had jobs, but I always get bored.

And I ask myself,

is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?

So far the answer's been, "No way, Jos�."

That was actually just my last job at The Burger Barn.

Jos� was the manager.

You know, that sounds like a cop-out to me.

That's easy for you to say... you've got donuts,

and Franco's got his art.

You guys found your thing, and...

I got nothing.

You think I was born with a passion for donuts?

I just needed a job.

But I found some things I loved about it.

Like running my own business and-and making people happy.

So if I stick with any lame-ass job that comes along,

I'll find my passion?

I don't know, but...

you're certainly not gonna find it sitting on a couch.

Arthur's right.

Any job can be fulfilling if you've got the right attitude.

Why, just last week,

I had a gig cleaning out a dead guy's apartment.

Turns out we had the same size shoe.

His soul's in Heaven,

and his soles are also on my feet.

Are you guys sure this one isn't over the top?

- A lot of people go to the Vatican. - Yeah,

but do a lot of people ride shotgun in the popemobile?

Hey, if your ex is gonna ride a dolphin in Sardinia,

you're gonna do him one better.

Welcome to Rome.

Oh, my God,

are you guys still doing this?

Is that another "like"?

No. My daughter just tagged me

in a photo of us having breakfast this morning.

In Rome?

In a Denny's.

In Rome?

All right, don't panic... we can save this.

Randy, what are you trying to prove?

You know, I guess I just wanted to be the first one to move on.

To have a cool new life.

You do have a cool life.

You have a beautiful daughter,

you're a cop, which is badass...

and you have friends who would do anything for you.

Yeah, without us, you'd have never done body shots

with the Italian women's soccer team.

All this social media stuff just makes you depressed.

It makes you feel like you're missing out on something,

but what you're really missing out on is all of this.

Oh, you're right.

You guys, thank you so much.

Thanks.

This was actually a lot of fun.

You know, the three of us should take a trip for real sometime.

- Oh. That's a good idea. - Yeah.

- That would be fun. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, we could do that.

It's not gonna happen, is it?

God, no.

Oh. Hey, Franco.

Isn't this your day off?

Yeah. Thought I'd pick up a few hours.

Got nothing else to do.

Aw. You miss Sweatpants, don't you?

I'm sorry, who-pants?

And now he's freeloading off of Arthur.

He'll never change.

Actually, that's not true.

Okay, what are you talking about?

You know what? Let me show you.

Come with me.

- Okay. - Come on.

Hey, Tush. Mind the shop.

You know, it's very unprofessional

that Arthur leaves the store completely unattended.

He just left me in charge.

Like I said.

Fawz, when's the last time you were at your dry cleaners?

I got to go.

All right,

here you go, Mrs. Culver.

Orange chamomile with a little bit of honey,

- just how you like it. - Thank you, Sweet Pants.

That's Sweatpants.

I know.

Mrs. Culver, you better watch it, now.

I can't believe it... he actually took the job.

Yep. Four days ago.

- Doing pretty good, huh? - Yeah.

Can I help you?

- I'm here for Sweatpants. - Oh...

Are your legs cold?

- Wha...? No, no. - Oh, let me take you

- back to your room. - No, you don't understand.

I don't live here.

Come on. I'll give you some pudding.

What flavor we talking?

Franco. What are you doing here?

Well, Arthur told me about your new job,

and I thought I'd drop by.

It's not perfect, but...

I'm gonna start from the bottom, work my way up.

Which is also how I give sponge baths.

I'm gonna stick it out.

So... you don't think you might get tired of it?

No.

Even if I did, there are literally beds everywhere.

Congratulations, man.

Thanks.

I was pretty mad at you for kicking me out.

But the truth is, you were right.

Well... now you're making steady cash,

so you can move back in with me.

I appreciate that, man, but I don't think so.

It feels pretty good standing on my own two feet.

I'm even looking at getting a place of my own.

- Yeah? - Yeah. And when I get one,

I'll have you over for a few beers and a home-cooked meal.

Cool, man. What can I bring?

A few beers and a home-cooked meal.

I got to go set up for the Senior Olympics.

We're starting with the two-yard dash.

All right, man. Have fun, all right?

Things good?

Yeah. Thank you for bringing me here.

You ready to go?

I don't know. Kind of like this place.

After I finish my pudding, they're giving me a sponge bath.

You know, Sweatpants does the sponge baths.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, Franco.

Isn't that your roommate?

Ooh.

I made a copy of the mail key, so I brought back yours.

Cool. Give me it. Where's it at?

In here.

I'll get it later.

It's SpongeBath Sweatpants.

- How was work? - It was good.

My ride on the "L" was even better.

A woman asked me if I was a doctor,

and I got her number.

- Only six digits there, buddy. - Oh.

Eh. It wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Some guy had a seizure, and I had to perform "CPR".

He survived, even though all I did

was rub his chest and yell "clear!"

Hey, yo, hey, meet my new roommate, Zale. Zale, this is Sweatpants.

Yo, what up, Zale? How you doing, man?

Ah, you work at a nursing home.

Let me know if you need any false teeth...

I make them as a hobby.

I'm gonna go.

All right, man.

Hey. I'm gonna miss you so much.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com