Original subtitles

All right. Okay, So I mopped the floor,

refilled the napkin dispenser,

and I wiped down that weird

sculpture thing on the wall back there.

That's a pay phone.

What is wrong with you millennials?

Why does he call us "millennials"

when he's the one who's a thousand years old?

Yeah. This older generation, they just don't get us.

Am I right, hashtags?

Sweatpants!

Hey, Franco, here's your notebook.

What took you so long, man?

I was busy doing your half of the laundry

and washing your half of the dishes.

Oh, well, you see, now I meant to do that,

but I was just busy paying your half of the rent.

(laughs) Hey, brother,

we shouldn't be fighting like this.

That's what the Man wants us to do.

Get out of here, man.

Hey, so, Arthur, I was up all night

thinking of ideas to boost business, right?

"Boost business"? Sounds like so much work.

How about

you sell your shop to me, I tear it down,

and put up a Baby Gap.

But for grown-ups.

Not selling.

What do you got?

Okay,

so number one: a donut ATM.

Oh.

You put in money to get donuts,

or donuts to get money?

Which do you like?

Neither.

Okay, so how about, like,

a cup-shaped donut you can drink your coffee from?

It dunks itself.

No.

How about you not refraining from declining

to sell me your shop?

Yes.

Damn it, you're quick on that double negative.

All right, so customers are gonna love this one,

all right. I think you might, too.

Free Wi-Fi.

No!

One of the main reasons I come here

is because there's no Wi-Fi or phone reception,

so I can focus on my schoolwork.

I have a tendency to be kind of easily distracted by--

oh, my God, puppies!

ARTHUR: Hey, Tush,

what are you doing?

I started a dog-walking business.

Those rich suckers moving into the neighborhood

pay ten bucks a head.

I've picked up poop for much less,

oftentimes without a bag.

You can't bring dogs in here.

Fine.

You know what?

Paco's a little overdressed for this place anyway.

Come on, gang,

we can still make happy hour at Petco.

That place is crawling with bitches.

Okay, so look, I know making the donuts is your thing,

but I had a few flavor ideas.

Look, kid, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but before you go changing stuff,

you got to understand the basics.

Huh? Learn from the ground up.

Okay.

No, I got it.

Speaking of which,

one of the dogs left something there

on the ground.

Ew.

Oh, wait. (chuckles)

They're little tiny Uggs.

Damn dog's got nicer shoes than me.

♪ ♪

(hip-hop music playing)

Hey, hey! Hey!

Oh.

Turn off the hippity-hoppity.

(music stops)

Now what the hell are you doing here?

Well, you told me I had to learn the basics.

So I got here at 4:00 a.m.

so you can teach me how to make a donut.

And look what I made.

It's Doughy!

He's our new mascot. He can do commercials,

uh, personal appearances, maybe even a movie.

Oh, look,

he's in Grease.

(dough sizzling)

Why would you-- he had a family!

Look, making the best damn donuts in Chicago

is serious business.

If you really want to learn, you got to be professional.

Yes, sir.

I'm ready.

Now we'll begin

with the classic old-fashioned.

You know, that's the donut that put this place on the map.

Word.

All right.

We'll start with eight cups of flour.

Measuring, I-I can do that.

Nope.

Can I hold the bowl?

Nope.

Can I ask a question?

Nope.

How am I supposed to learn?

That's a question.

All right, look,

I'm gonna teach you the way I was taught

by my donut mentor, Stan Symanski. Huh?

Okay.

Today, you watch.

Tomorrow, more watching. Eventually, you graduate!

To observing.

(groans)

Come on, dude, I just want to make a damn donut!

(stammers) Slow down.

As Symanski said, "First you make the man,

then you make the donut."

What does that mean?

Beats me.

He was very fond of the, uh, powdered sugar.

Arthur, so look,

you know I'm an artist, right?

Uh.

So don't you want to unlock some of this

God-given creativity?

All right, all right,

how about this? Uh, as soon as I finish this batch,

you can apply the glaze.

Really? Yes!

Mm-hmm.

I'm Head Glazer.

Or Executive Glaze Manager.

Or V.P. of Operations, Glaze Division.

Head Glazer's fine.

Yeah.

ARTHUR: Whoa, Randy.

Rough night, huh?

Yeah, I partied with the Vice Squad.

I need some strong black coffee.

Got it.

And then someone to check

if I have an even lower back tattoo.

(Doctor Who theme music playing)

RANDY: Hey, James, what are you doing?

I'm watching the new episode of Doctor Who,

and you can't get a signal in there.

(music stops)

See?

This place is literally like being in 1966.

Which just happens to be

the year that the good Doctor has just transported himself to.

He's a time traveler.

Can he transport me to the future

when this conversation's over?

ARTHUR: Oh, hey,

what can I get you?

Uh, what do you recommend?

Well, I would suggest

a few rubber bands in your beard,

but I see you got that covered.

How about one of my classic old-fashioned glazed, huh?

Sure, yeah, I'll, uh, take a dozen.

All right, coming right up. Franco!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's with the orange ones?

Oh, well, I hope you don't mind,

but I got all inspired,

so I put a few drops of Sriracha in the glaze.

Sriracha? What-- what the hell is that?

It's hot sauce made from chili peppers.

Uh, can I try one of those?

Yeah.

Go for it, white Lenny Kravitz.

What the hell's going on?

I was just starting to teach you the basics.

I mean, you're not ready to start

messing with the recipe now.

Well, you don't get to be Head Glazer

by playing it safe.

Now look,

I'm not paying you to reinvent the donut.

Now I got to throw those away,

(sighs)

because nobody's gonna want 'em.

Yeah, I'll take a dozen.

Seriously?

Yeah, these things are amazing.

Oh, see, thank you, Rubber Band Man.

Good job.

All right, cool, dude!

(Doctor Who theme music playing)

(gasps) Doctor Who!

I have Wi-Fi!

Really? Where's it coming from?

Uh, looks like Fawz's dry cleaners next door.

And there's no password.

Well, I have gotten a lot of work done today.

Time to unwind with a little Wurdle.

Then head home, take a bath, and go for it.

No, it's...

it's an online word game.

I used to play a lot. Had to quit when I got R.F.S...

Restless Finger Syndrome.

I did a walkathon for that.

Thank you... from all of us.

Here you go. Thank you, Jack Sparrow.

See? Somebody just bought my donuts.

All right. Let me try one.

Go ahead.

Mmm.

Yeah?

Ooh.

Huh?

(grunts strangely)

All right, you're not a fan.

Look, I've been in the donut game long enough to know

what's not gonna catch on.

Okay, but that dude loved it.

Oh, I wouldn't go by him.

He just put on a top hat, rode off on a wooden bicycle

with a lizard on his shoulder.

It's a fluke, kid.

Don't go patting yourself on the back.

Hey, Arthur, my hands are full of these fluke donuts.

Would-Would you mind patting me on the back?

How about I put my foot up your ass?

What was that? "Good work, Franco"?

Thank you.

A dozen Srirachos, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I only have five left.

Oh, good news!

We got plenty of my old-fashioned glazed. There.

Yeah. You know, that's the donut

that put this place on the map.

No, I want the ones I saw on Instagram.

The Sriracha ones.

If you're making more, I can wait.

I'll just finish my adult coloring book.

I'll get right on it, okay?

Yeah, sure, of course they like Srirachos, huh?

They're hipsters.

Thank God I still got my regulars.

Did Franco say he's bringing out more Srirachos?

Et tu, Tush?

Oh, I et way more than two.

Ladies and gentlemen. Bringing the heat from the streets,

the guru of the glaze,

the professor of the pastry,

the Bro of the Diz-ough...

Franco Wicks.

(applause)

Hey, wait a minute What... what-what...

Franco, what is that?

Oh, just my latest creation.

I just took my trademark Sriracha donut...

All right, all right.

...dusted it with habanero sprinkles.

Don't hurt 'em now.

And I dipped it in ghost pepper glaze.

And I finished it off with...

Oh, no you didn't.

A jalapeño in the middle!

I present to y'all...

El Diablo.

SWEATPANTS: Somebody call the fire department

up in here.

Wee-ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

But I got a challenge.

Anyone that can finish one of these in under a minute,

gets their picture on the "Wall of Flame."

ARTHUR: Hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute. My picture used to be up there.

Oh, I-I'll put it back up.

If you can finish one of these in under a minute.

No. No, thanks. What kind of an idiot

would like to burn his tongue off for a stupid picture?

Ah, this kind.

Hot.

(gasping)

It feels like I'm eating the sun.

Randy, you sure you don't want to watch Doctor Who?

The 24th season is the best.

No. You can tell me what happens.

Then I can tell you what a vagina looks like.

Oh James, it's awful.

The Wi-Fi is out.

(groans)

How unfortunate.

I was next door

watching a YouTube video of a sneezing panda,

until it froze.

Mid-sneeze.

I got the "ah", but no "choo."

And that's when I realized,

someone is stealing my Wi-Fi.

Maya, you should be ashamed of yourself.

James, how could you?

Who knew Chicago Police were so corrupt?

I mean, sure, everybody knew, but...

You know what I mean.

Well, I've taken care of the problem.

My Wi-Fi is now protected with a password you will never guess.

Never.

Is it "sneezingpanda"?

I'll be right back.

Wow, people are really loving Franco's new donut.

Yeah, I don't get it, you know?

Wait, uh, uh, look at him.

Am I still chewing?

I can't tell.

You see what I mean?

Donuts are not supposed to hurt.

They're supposed to be sweet.

Yeah. I know. It's weird,

but people like all these crazy flavors these days.

Like salty chocolate and bone marrow ice cream.

You know, if they had a whiskey burrito, I could save a step.

Hey! It's done!

Whew! Was that under a minute?!

Huh?

Oh, snap. I forgot to start the stopwatch.

All right, hold on.

(groans) I hope my colon has its affairs in order.

Say cheese!

Cheese! (chuckles)

Welcome to the Wall of Flame. (hissing)

(hissing, chuckles)

How do you do that, Fawz?

Mm. When I was eight,

my village was attacked with mustard gas,

so I have no feeling in my esophagus.

Also, if I lick a battery, I die.

We have got to get Fawz's password.

It's always personal information.

Come on, you're a cop.

Just go get the password. But be subtle.

Subtle.

(exhales)

Boy, you sure do like donuts! Did your mom make 'em for you?

And if so, what was her maiden name?

Hussein. No relation.

Fine. Distant cousin.

Interesting. Um, did you have any childhood pets?

Oh, yes. Jabir.

He wasn't so much a pet as a partially brain-dead uncle.

But he brought that Frisbee back every time.

How do you spell that?

Yes, it's, uh, J-A-B...

Wait, are you trying

to guess my password?! Shame!

And here I thought you were trying to get to know the real

Fawz Hamadani Farooq Al-Shahrani!

All right. Who'd like to try

a new and exciting donut flavor?

If they like Srirachos, they're gonna love this.

It tastes like pickles. I call it...

the Dill-Donut.

Uh, Arthur, y-you can't call it that.

Why not?

Say it again.

Dill-Donut.

Slower.

Okay. Dill-Do... Oh.

I'll work on the name.

Hey, why won't you try one? I... They're totally unique.

Try it.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Huh...

Oh, yeah. Oh.

That's... That's unique.

That dill flavor's coming through hard.

It's like one bite's all you'll ever need.

All you will ever need.

All right, all right, fine.

Back by popular demand,

Los Diablos.

Call an exorcist.

The devil's in the house!

All right, man. I have this whole new promotion

planned for later.

Big fiesta theme.

ARTHUR: Hey, whoa, whoa!

Those are my glazed.

Oh, I'm just making room for Los Diablos.

No. No, you're not.

What? Arthur, I'm just giving the people

what they want.

You know what they want?

You've been working here one month.

What you mad for? You hired me

to bring in new customers, right?

Yeah! Yeah, but not to change everything.

I think you mean "making things better."

Oh, please. With the contest and the photos, huh?

Just a bunch of stupid gimmicks.

Gimmicks? I'm an artist. I-I don't do gimmicks.

(mariachi music playing)

♪ El Diablo ♪

♪ El Diablo, El Diablo ♪

Stop.

♪ El Diablo ♪

Stop!

♪ El Diablo. ♪

(music stops)

Do you guys know any Steely Dan?

♪ I've seen your picture ♪

♪ Your name in lights above it... ♪

That's the last of the Srirachos.

And I can't make anymore.

Arthur's gone, so I'm stuck working the counter.

How am I gonna tell people all the Srirachos are gone?

No mo' Sriracho!

You act like this job is hard.

Tush, what are you doing?

Taking Pudgy for a walk.

Poor thing's got anxiety,

thought I'd give him a little extra TLC.

(Franco sighs)

I just tried Arthur again.

Went straight to voicemail.

I don't know why he's so mad.

My donuts have been our best sellers.

You got a gift, kid.

I can still taste that Diablo.

See? Thanks, Tush.

No, I mean, that's all I can taste.

But on the bright side,

it brought my dead tooth back to life.

Come on, Pudgy.

Let me show you what it's like to pee indoors.

Randy, I've been working my ass off since I started here.

All right? I show up early, I even stay up late

thinking of ideas for this damn place,

and he always shuts them down.

Sounds like Arthur's not the only one who's mad.

All right, yeah.

I thought I found the job

where I'm not just doing grunt work, you know?

Where I can be creative, where I contribute, maybe,

maybe even make a difference in the community.

Putting icing on a donut?

All right, when you put it like that, I sound like a loser.

(sighs) You're not a loser.

You're just an idiot.

(clears throat)

Look at it from Arthur's point of view.

He's been making donuts his whole life.

And you come in here and outshine him.

Now he feels old and obsolete.

Like a record player in a CD world.

Randy, nobody buys CDs anymore.

Don't make me plant drugs on you.

Whoa! Okay.

What kind of drugs?

All I'm saying is slow your roll.

Okay.

Arthur doesn't like to be rushed.

He didn't even put that pay phone in until last summer.

Well, that was awkward.

As it turns out, Pudgy is a girl.

FAWZ: Poor Arthur.

He forgot where he works.

It's right in there.

No, no. I know that.

It's just that I feel...

I just don't belong in there anymore.

Well, maybe it's time for you to sell to me. (chuckles)

Yeah, you know what? Maybe it is.

Well, you can't blame me for try... Wait, what?

I mean, everything is changing. You know? I...

I feel like a relic from another time.

Well, lucky for you,

I have got the contract right here.

I've been carrying this around since 2012.

All I have to do is change the date,

cross out your late wife's name--

my condolences, by the way.

Can you believe I've owned this place for 47 years?

Yes, very long time.

You're getting tired, you're slowing down.

Now you have the black guy.

His name is Franco.

Yes, I know. Ha, ha.

I was just making sure you knew

who I was talking about.

Anyway, he seems like he knows what he's doing.

Yeah, I know.

He's talented, he's ambitious.

But there's a lot he doesn't know yet.

Yeah? What's to know? It's just donuts.

No, I wouldn't say that.

People think that donuts are just something you eat,

Well, not to me it isn't. No, no way,

they mean a hell of a lot more to me.

Yes, of course.

Uh, I'm gonna need your thumbprint.

You know, Fawz, in this crazy and uncertain world,

what could be more comforting than a... than a donut?

And a cup of coffee, huh?

To be the one to bring that to people,

I mean, there could be no higher calling than that.

You know something, if happiness was a food,

this is where you'd find it.

Very moving.

Do you happen to have two forms of ID?

See, that's what that kid doesn't understand.

No, he's got big ideas.

He just doesn't see the big picture.

Okay. Well, you know. Here, just... Here you go.

Thank you, Fawz. Thank you very much.

Oh, there you go.

I was starting to get worried.

Why?

'Cause it's cold out and you're old as hell.

Yeah. Well, I'm fine.

Just follow me.

Put on an apron.

For what?

'Cause I'm gonna teach you how to make a jelly donut.

Right now?

Yeah.

You started with the old fashioned. Now it's jelly.

And then we'll... we'll move on, huh?

To, uh, fritters, long johns, bear claws.

And what brought this on?

Well, I was thinking.

You know, you got potential, but there's a hell of a lot

you don't know yet.

Understood. And thank you.

So why don't you get me that raspberry jelly?

Okay. All right.

You know what'd be dope?

Like, instead of a jelly donut,

we did a peanut butter and jelly donut.

Peanut butter?

Sorry. You're right.

I'm overstepping.

No, I like it.

Really?

Yeah.

(chuckles) All those hipsters, huh?

With their bikes and their coloring books.

Oh, they j...

they just love reliving their childhoods, don't they?

(laughs) And they love paying eight dollars for almond milk.

(both laugh)

You can't get no milk from almonds.

Okay. Let's see if we can make

a peanut butter and jelly donut, huh?

Now, pass me that yeast.

Oh, can I measure it?

Nope.

Can I pour the flour?

Nope.

This is gonna be fun.

Here it is, our new flavor. PB&J.

I'll go.

I can't feel my face.

Are there peanuts in these?

Yeah. What'd you think the "PB" stood for?

"Probably bacon"?

ARTHUR: Oh, no.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

Oh, my God. What can we do for you?

Luckily, Pudgy is allergic to bees.

Let's hope dog EpiPens work on humans.

Stay with us, Tush.

(grunts)

See?

What fun. This is what you missed when we had Wi-Fi.

It's true. Now we can talk to each other,

forge real human connections.

Hey, Franco talked me into getting Wi-Fi. Huh?

So it's there if you want it.

Yeah, nice knowing you.

Thank God.

Oh, come on. You guessed my new password?

Is "iraqilovejockey" that obvious?