All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E19.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Okay, Jan. Wow.

What am I looking at?

I call it
Jan vs. Predator.

Hm. And who comes out
on top?

Predator.

Thanks so much, Jan.

Blech!

Feels like I'm trapped in
Antiques Roadshow: Harrisburg.

Oh, thank God!
A friend!

Here to bail me out
with the perfect, unique,

well-thought-out
donation.

-Steak knives? Wow.
-WILL: I'm sorry.

Work has just gotten so crazy,

I didn't have time to curate

one of my signature
silent auction baskets.

And I'm notgoing to donate
a non-curated basket.

Give the man a break.

He does the weather every time
Guy McCormick is sick.

And, let's face it, he's sick,
like, three times a week.

"Sick"? Please.
The man drinks.

Mr. McCormick
has checked into a facility.

That's all
I'm allowed to say.

But it does mean that I'm
going to be doing the weather

for the next 28 nights.

Will, I'm very happy thatyou've become a local celebrity.

-No!
-But that doesn't help me
right now.

Right now, what I need from you
is an auction item.

Are you blind?

Will isthe item!

Celebrity is themost precious
metal we have.

It's our Vibranium!

You mean
I'm like Black Panther?

-No.
-No.
-Sorry.

It was in front of my face
the whole time.

Will, you arethe item!

Can I put you
in the auction?

You mean like be someone's
butler for a month? Sure.

No, but it's weird
that you'd be okay with that.

I mean a lunch.

A meal with a local
10:00 P.M. fill-in weatherman

could be just the pop
this auction needs.

Maybe.

I mean,
my star ison the rise.

Finally got
my own lapel mic,

unlimited access
to the green screen,

and I'm really honing in
on my on-air laugh.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Back to you, Julie.

-I'm in!
-Yes!

POPPY: Blank CDs?
Unh-unh.

Keep walking.
Don't even set those down.

Do better, Celeste!

"Gift card --
balance unknown."

-D'Amato, you donated this?
-Yeah.

I have no idea
how much is on there.

Could be $250,
could be $12.

That's what makes it
so exciting to bid on!

Yeah.

I'm jealous
of everyone here.

-What'd youdonate?
-This.

DOUGLAS: I can't wait to see
what someone's willing to pay

for $100.

Oh, well, if the bidding's low,
I'm gonna jump in.

Today I got the news
that every parent dreads most.

I have signed up
to participate

in the sport
of ice hockey.

It's the most expensive sport
on the plant,

unless you count fencing,
which I don't.

Yeah, diving's the dream.
No gear of any kind.

It's 1/5
of a normal sports uniform.

Just a Speedo and a towel.

And I already have towels.

Listen, if Pee-Wee Sports is
driving you to financial ruin,

then you're
doing something wrong.

Let's take a look
at your budget.

If you even have one.

I'm a single mother

living in the second most
expensive city in the country.

I budget.

I budget hard.

WILL: Hey.

Am I allowed to be here?
I mean, what are the rules?

Is it like a candidate
not being allowed

within 100 feet
of a polling place or --

Wait,
nobody's bid on me yet?

The auction
just started,

and no one goes near
the big-ticket items

until they're
at least two Cabs deep.

And you're
a big-ticket item.

-Cool.
-POPPY: Yeah.

You hear that?
We're the big-ticket item.

All right, Dad.

Self-directed pep talk over.
Take a lap.

Yeah, yeah, a lap.
That's a good idea.

Okay.

My dad's self-esteem pendulum
is very lubricated.

It swings far and fast
in both directions.

And now that he's on TV,
it's even worse.

Sophie,
the promo's starting!

It's starting!

ANNOUNCER:
Who is KZOP at 10:00?

It's news with
anchor Julie Fong-Nunez!

Investigative journalism
with Loni McGraw!

"What's Yummy Now?"
with Chef Martin Bullrock!

Sports with Chet Corners!

And weather!

KZOP at 10:00.
We got you.

Leave me.

Ooh, I love that sun.

You can tell by his sunglasses
that he's nasty.

That sun made my dad cry.

Poppy,
someone has to bid on him.

This isn't just
a silent auction.

This is a man's life.

You're right.

Crap. Garbage.

Trash. Garbage.

Yoga pants for a dog?!

Stop dressing your dogs,
America.

Dogs should be naked.

What do we have here?

Oh, my gosh,
you poor thing.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's okay. It's okay.

You don't have to be
scared anymore.

I will make you
fly again.

Do you girls have any idea
what this is?

A hat.

A hat? A hat?!

This is a beret.

French sophistication distilled

into one timeless
piece of headwear.

And it will be mine.

Miggy, shut up.
This is important.

I need an adult
to bid on this beret for me.

That thing? Why?

Geez, Grandpa.

Because,
like Monica Lewinsky,

K-pop singer Min-ho,and Jack Nicholson as the Joker,

I have style.
You don't.

I adopt early.
You don't.

I lead, and you...

have no taste.

If you're gonna be mean
about it, forget it.

Your mom can bid on it.

Please?

Fine.

RORY: Follow me, girls.

Jocelyn's dad is auctioning
one of his "ceramics,"

and I have thoughts.

Okay, rent looks good.

What is this tab labeled?

That's my convenience tax.
I can't touch that.

What's a convenience tax?

It's money I spendto make my life a little easier.

I -- I'm too busy
juggling Graham

and my full-time job
and all my hobbies,

like breathing and sleeping
and drinking water,

so sometimes I pay a little morefor certain necessities.

What kind of necessity?
Like food?

Delivery, yep.

Lots of food delivery,
some expedited shipping.

Maybe I'll park in a red zone
here or there or here again.

But trust me, it's all
very, very necessary.

Uh-huh.

Is it necessary
to pay $8

for a quart
of gas station milk?

If all I need is gas and milk,
I'm not making two stops.

Yeah,
but it's just not milk.

You're paying
gas station prices

for toilet paper,
batteries...

salsa?

Hey, when the grocery store
starts selling gas,

they'll start seeing
my salsa dollars again.

O-Okay,
I can't take this anymore.

I'm gonna show you how to turn
your "convenience tax"

into hockey pads.

But I'm gonna have to
take over your life.

Fine.
My life is all yours.

But I must warn you --

there's this guy
in my life

that's gonna be
a real pain in your ass.

His name is Douglas.

You worked hard
for that one.

I'm gonna let you
enjoy it.

WILL: All right,
did two laps --

a counterclockwise
and a clockwise.

I just don't want
to overdevelop one thigh.

Well, I hope those
symmetrical thighs are ready

to sit down and have lunch
with an adoring fan,

because you are getting
a lot of bids.

Really? I am?

Oh, that's such a relief.

Okay, so,
how much am I going for?

Three figures? Four?
What's the gender breakdown?

You know what?
La, la, la, la, la, la!

I don't want to know.

-Lap.
-That's a good idea.

He hasn't gotten
a single bid.

What if we change it to

"Lunch and Hike
with KZOP's Will Cooper,

Who Will Also
Hand Detail Your Car"?

Or "Lunch and a dot, dot, dot,
question mark"?

Kind of implying
that it starts with lunch,

but where it goes from there
is unwritten.

Ew! You're talking
about my father.

Sorry.
It's just really easy

to forget that
you're a child sometimes.

I know.

I'lljust bid on him.
Hm?

SOPHIE: No!

That's a pity bid!

We need a realperson
to win this thing.

MAN :
Final bids, please.
Final bids.

Oh, God, I'm blanking!
I can't think of a single
real person who isn't me.

Who should I put down?

Someone who eats lunch

and can act like a fan
of KZOP's Will Cooper.

-I don't know any actors!

Actually...

wait a minute.

Dr. Biscuits,
have I got a role for you.

I'm listening.

BISCUITS:

I'm sorry, Ms. Banks.
I won't play a fan.

Oh, please,
Dr. Biscuits. I --

I will play a superfan!

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Now, his daughter
goes to school here,

so you've probably
already met.

But I was thinking
that you could say --

Ah, ah!

I will work out
my own backstory, thank you.

Okay. Sorry.

Well, I guess all you need
to know is that his name is --

Ah, ah!

I will do my own research,
thank you.

Okay.

Well, is there anything
you need from me at all or --

I need an item of his clothing,
recently worn.

Or a photograph.

I got a photo of him
on my phone.

Please, print it out.

Place it
in an unmarked manilla envelope

on the windscreen
of the car

bearing
this bumper-plate number

in precisely
one week from today.

There's a printer
outside,

so I'll just slide it
under your door.

Thank you so much.

Very well!

DOUGLAS: You know,
when I was in med school,

I always prided myself

on being as fiscally anal
as I was poor.

They used to call me
"Nurse Spreadsheets."

Ohhhhh!

Right,
my budget thing.

For a second there, I totally
forgot why you were here.

You want some coffee?

I'd lovecoffee.

Great.

Thought we wanted coffee.

We do.

Yeah, coffee comes
from the coffee place.

Yes, it does.

Three times a day,
at $6 a pop.

Oh, hello,
teachable moment.

No. No!

I-I-I --
I need my coffee place.

It's on the way
from here to school

and on the way
from school to work

andon the way
from work to here.

It's a miracle
of geography,

and it's what
makes my life possible.

Okay, well,
look at this, huh?

-ANGIE:

No, but this takes
so long!

And at my coffee place,
I have a barista, Trish,

and she always has my latte
waiting for me.

I'myour Trish now.

You guys should be free to roll
around on the floor of my car.

We're breaking
their spirit!

Pennies belong
in a bank...

or dumped in a tube sock
and used for self-defense.

Hockey pads,
hockey pads,

h-h-hockey pads.

Six pairs
of the same sunglasses?

I'm gonna lose
half of them.

You always have
more sunglasses than you need

because some of them
aren't gonna make it.

Like with babies
at the turn of the century.

You did a great job.

-Okay.

Thank you.

-Just gonna be you today, champ?-

Champ?!

Don't you know
who this is?

This is
KZOP's Will Cooper!

How about you get us
the two most expensive things

on the menu?

Both for him.
I'm too nervous to eat.

-Dr. Biscuits?
-Yes.

I didn't know
you were a fan.

-I'm not.
-Oh.

I'm a superfan.

But at school,
you've never mentioned --

Oh!
I don't care about me.

I care about
three things --

you, the weather,
and where they overlap.

Go.

All right.

Where would you
like to start?

Denver Presbyterian Hospital,

May 6, 1983, 8:45 A.M.

Bud and Lucile Cooper
welcome into the world

a beautiful
7-pound, 5-ounce baby boy.

The high was 68,
the low, 40.

-With a mild chance of hail.
-Mild chance of hail.

Wow.

Never stop talking to me.

Oh.
Come on in.

But please,
keep your shoes on.

I've just always wanted
to say that.

Refresh my memory.

Who did you say
outbid me for the beret?

Anonymous.

They're...anonymous.

Why would someone
who wanted to remain anonymous

buy themost eye-catching hat
civilization has ever produced?

-They wouldn't.
-Doesn't add up.

Easy.

See, they're shy with names
but not with hats.

You feel me?

Or they want
to get caught.

Care to explain
what you're doing here,

other than
dying of thirst?

Miggy,
why would you do this?

'Cause you said
I have no taste.

I should've known.
Curse of the trendsetter --

everything you love
will be ruined by normos.

Find her!

Remember our orders!

The beret
must not be harmed!

Daah!

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! No, please!

Ah!

Ah! I tap.

I tap!

Next time,
I won't be so kind.

Thank you?

Thief!

RORY: You suck!
That beret needs me!

-Let's get to work.

RORY: I'll get it back!
You don't deserve that beret!

Sleep with your eyes open!

SOPHIE:
I still don't understand.

Dad knows Dr. Biscuits.

Is he in a disguise?

POPPY: Nope.

Costume, maybe.
Could be some props.

But Biscuits
is playing himself --

just himself
as a Will Cooper superfan.

Biscuits is an amazing actor.

-What's he been in?
-I don't know.

WILL: Good evening.

Yes -- Will Cooper.
I know.

Hey, Poppy.
Bloody Mary with bacon

and a tiny burger on the straw.

We don't have those.

Can't believe
I used to come here.

So...fun lunch?

Fun?
Um, it was revelatory.

Oh, no.

I've been spotted.

Hey.

You're why I do it.

Okay, you weren't kidding aboutyour dad's self-esteem pendulum.

One lunch, and now
he's ordering straw burgers?

I'm starting to think this
Biscuits thing was a mistake.

-Well, there's
no going back now.
-Why not?

Do you not understand
pendulums?

If my dad
finds out the truth,

he'll swing back even harder
in the other direction.

He could turn in
his trench coat

and leave the weather biz
forever.

Trench coat? Who's still
wearing trench coats?

He needs to get rid of that
anyway.

-You guys whispering
about me?
- Yes, yes.

Great. Let's keep the convo
there and drill down.

See, the thing about me is,
I don't have a fan.

I have a superfan!

In fact,
I have a lot of them.

They have a group text.
Guess what they text about.

Me!

People love me!

But for some reason,

I still don't have
my own office

and I have to park
in the overflow lot

and I was bumped from the promo
for a cartoon sun.

You know what?

I'm gonna call KZOP right now,
and I am going to demand...

-...that they re-shoot
the promo

and give my superfans
what they want --

me!

And if they say no,
I'll quit.

-WILL: Sophie!

Great. Now Tracy Fries is gonna
have a missed call from me.

How am I
gonna explain that?

I'm sorry, Dad.

But your superfan,
he's...

...not real.

Will, I wrote Biscuits' name
down in a panic,

and I asked him to play
the role of your superfan.

I am so sorry.

Oh. I see.

Well, I have just gone

from experiencing
a high of euphoria

to a low...

of now.

Back to you, Julie.

Tracy Fries?

Yeah, yeah,
no, I called.

Just to say how much I've been
enjoying the overflow lot.

WILL: Nah,
it couldn't wait.

Ugh. What a day!

I can't believe
how much money

I was giving that kid next door
to take my trash cans in.

Yeah, it felt good
to make him cry.

-Now that he's off the books,
Graham can play hockey --

in pads that he'll outgrow
in a month.

Douglas, I could never have
done this without you...

forcing me to do this.

Thank you.

Welcome to my home.
How may I help you?

Angie.

W-What's happening?

I ordered you a treat
to say thank you

for teaching me how to be
financially responsible.

How much were these?

It's not important.

-$28.
-Wh-- ah --

I-I'm not eating
a $14 cupcake!

We want to return those.

Have you learned nothing?!

Relax, Douglas.

We made
so much money today!

I-I slashed my convenience tax
burden in half.

There should be
no convenience tax burden.

The convenience tax
is you being lazy.

Okay, rich white man

with an in-home sauna
who works three days a week.

-I'mlazy?

Okay, you're on your own.

Go back to farting away
your money.

Fine! I will, then!

Not the farting part,
but the "being on my own" part.

I don't need your help.

Excuse me.

Did a dude named Ken
used to live here?

-Get out.
-'Cause I've seen that wall
before, I think.

Mmm.

I wouldn't pay $14 for you,

but if you drop your price
to $12,

it's a conversation.

-ANGIE: Douglas!

ANGIE:

My car got towed.

I finally got you
to park legally.

I watched
with my own eyes

as you parked by a curb
that wasn't a color!

I may have some
outstanding parking tickets.

And I mean "outstanding"
as in "unpaid"

and also as in
"I illegally parked

in some
really cool places."

Does your happiness go up
with my blood pressure?

All right, I'll give you a ride
to the impound lot.

No, I'm gonna call an Uber.
It's surge pricing now, but --

-No!
-All right, look.

I'm sorry, okay?

I-I know
my convenience tax is nuts.

It's just...

if I wait in a long line
at the post office

or drive all the way
to the bargain mall,

it's less time
I get to spend with Graham.

He was just born.

Now he's 8.

And before I know it,
he'll be 18, and...

then that's it.

I already had money
when I became a single parent,

and it still felt
impossible.

I honestly don't know
how you do it.

But it amazes me.

Oh, boy.

ANGIE: Ohhh!

All right, that'll --
that'll do.

Let's go.

Hey, do you think if I give
that speech at the impound lot,

they'll just giveme
my car back?

Well, can you
make yourself cry?

Mm, might need
a little help.

Can you get me there?

Oh, yeah.

-POPPY: Will, I am so sorry.

In retrospect,
I shouldn't have hired an actor

to protect
your feelings.

But in my defense,
I didn't know

Biscuits had thatkind
of performance in him.

He really took you
on a journey!

He really did.

But it was a journey I was sopathetically desperate to go on,

it turned me
into a monster.

A Bloody Mary with bacon,
tiny burger on the straw?

Pfft.
Who did I think I was?

French meteorologist
Didier Marceau?

I was stupid to think
I would have a fan,

let alone a superfan.

Dad.

Do you like
doing the weather?

I love it.

Then it doesn't matter
if you don't have a superfan.

It doesn't matter
if you neverhave a superfan.

Only one person's opinion
matters.

French meteorologist
Didier Marceau's?

No. Yours.

That is wise.

Thank you.

You really think
I'll neverhave a superfan?

No,
I take that part back.

You will always, always have
at least onesuperfan.

Ruin this moment by saying

"French meteorologist
Didier Marceau,"

and I will knock you out.

Yes, ma'am.

Mother, I told you,

I don't know what happened
to the hot-glue gun.

-Pbbbbt.
-RORY: Oh. You.

Come to
ransack my wardrobe

or just assume my identity
altogether?

No!
I want to apologize.

Look, I was hurt
when you insulted my taste.

There was a time where I didn't
even have to think about it.

I was just cool.
I had the trip.

And now --

Fatherhood has softened
your edge?

-Hey.
-Sorry, but it has.

And everyone knows it.

I thought this beret
was the solution.

I don't know
how I got it so wrong.

Buying a used hat
at a school auction

really seemed
like a silver bullet.

No. My fashion critiques have
been described as "withering."

-True.
-RORY: I need to learn
to rein it in.

Friends?

Friends.

So, I was thinking
we can share the beret.

It's with you
Monday, Wednesday, Friday

and with me
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.

On Sundays, we alternate.

Now, vacations
might be a little tou--

Wait. Stop.

Put the beret on.
It's yours.

Oh. Really?

RORY: Yeah.

-Wow! It looks good on you!
-Thank you.

And sure,
berets are on-trend now,

but I got to keep moving.

The beret
of the heartland.

Well, now I want
a cowboy hat.

Trish,
this is goodbye.

From now on,
I'll be makingcoffee,

like I'm running
a freakin' A.A. meeting.

So, if I come in here,

I'm gonna need you
to help me be strong

and not sell me coffee.

Can you promise me that?

No.

I'd get in trouble for
refusing coffee to a customer.

I guess that's fair.

And even if nobody knew,
Iwould know.

And ultimately, we're allresponsible to ourselves, Angie.

ANGIE: I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to ask you

to compromise
your beliefs.

To say nothing of the promise
I've made to our shareholders.

-I mean --
-You know, getting out
of this conversation

is worth $100 to me.

-Convenience tax.
-Convenience tax.

I drove all the way down
to the bargain mall for this.

Oh, no!
Is the mail broken?

No.

But thanks to Douglas,
Mommy's making some changes.

What's
all this armor for?

For you,
to play hockey.

Ohhhhh.

Thisis hockey.

I got it confused
with the other one.

I don't want
to do hockey.

What?

No. Yeah, you do.

I want to do the one
where you dive.

What's the one
where you dive called?

Diving?

Yup.
That's the one.

You sure you're thinking
about diving?

You're not thinking of,
like, fencing?

-Nope.
-Great.

I'll just...

give you
one of my bikini bottoms.

Fencing doessound fun.

--Captions by VITAC--