All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ Cellphone dinging, vibrating ]

It's 8:30 in the morning.

You've already found
a way to irritate me.

Hey, hey, hey!

Give Miggy a break,
Douglas.

He has to be on his phone,
that's where all the ladies are!

Right. Right.

This phone's blowing up
with ladies.

My DMs be poppin'.

That means
his direct messages

are filling up
with lady inquiries.

Miggy's teaching me
all the lingo.

Mm.

Will: Pink flyer!

Oh, God. I hope
it's not lice again.

No kidding. I can't keep shaving
Emma and Amy's heads.

It's flu season.
One kid's already got it.

I bet it's Topher.
That kid licks everything.

Thank God Sophie
already got her flu shot.

Yeah, flu shots are
for the weak.

Fogertys don't get sick.
It's family policy.

I don't allow it.

You know, I usually
ignore the nonsense

that comes out of your mouth,
but this I have to hear --

so, you,
Douglas Fogerty,

never get sick
because you don't allowit?

That's exactly right.
I'm the boss of my own body.

When I was in my early 20s,
I was short,

and then
I decided not to be.

Graham hasn't gotten
his shot yet.

It's his biggest fear.

Ho'd up! Ho'd up!

I taught him that.What?

Did you know that they developed
a flu shot in mist form?

He doesn't have to get the shot.
He can just breathe it in.

Yeah, I know, but they only make
the mist in limited quantities

and we haven't yet made it onto
our pediatrician's "Mist List,"

so we're gonna have to suffer
through the shot again.

But there's no way it could be
as bad as it was last year.

Everything looks good!

The doctor will be right in
for your shot.

You're being
so brave.

I'm really proud
of you.

[ Alarm ringing ]

Well, that's handled.

I won't even tell you

about the time
he bit the receptionist.

But thank God
for Dr. Dewan.

She scares the hell out of me,
but she's a genius.

Wait.
You see Dr. Dewan?

-You're still seeing her?
-Mm-hmm.

See, we had to find
a new pediatrician.

I just felt like such a bad
parent after every visit,

I'd wind up binging
"Teen Mom."
Right?

I have to schedule five minutes
after every appointment

so I can cry in my car.

It's incredible.

I have been trying
to get Sophie

an appointment with her
for four months.

Please let us tag along.

Seeing Dr. Dewan give a flu shot
is on my actual bucket list.

Fine.
You can tag along,

but please never show me
your bucket list,

because that sounds like
a real bummer.

I can't believe
I'm going to meet theDr. Dewan,

the premier pediatrician
in Southern California.

Just ask one of the
six children's health
magazines I subscribe to --

The man needs sex.

♪♪

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

All right, sweetie,
do you have everything you need

to help you
get through the shot?

What? Is someone
talking to me?

Look at this office.

It's exactly how I imagined it.

Hey, Little G,
how you holding up?

Oh, mom...
Flu shot...

Okay, listen, Will.

We are this close to getting
on the Mist List, okay?

Do not make
eye contact,

only speak when spoken to,
and remember,

we work for her.

Got it.

Did you put on a dress for this?

Did you get a blowout?

You have no idea

how high the stakes are --

[ Door closes ]Dr. Dewan:
Nice to see you, Graham.

He has a walnut allergy.

I can tell by the way he sits.

And you haven't been
protecting him from the sun.

Anything less than 100 SPF,
and you might as well

dip him in butter and strap him
to the roof of a car.

Graham, have you been eating
your vegetables?

It depends on the --

I want to hear
from the boy.

Um, for breakfast,
I had some chips.

I try to get him vegetables,
but...

It -- I-I'm busy.

I-I'm a single mom,

I work overtime.
It's tough.

You know what's tough?
Juvenile diabetes.

You have to force him to eat
five to seven servings a day.

Uh, not to be "that guy,"

but I actually just read
a new report that came out.

It was in Pediatric American.No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

And it said that parental

coercion at the dinner table
doesn't actually lead

to long-term changes
in kids' eating habits.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize we had

another medical professional
in the room.

Doesn't take
a medical professional

to read Pediatric American.Thanks for the tip.

I've been published in
Pediatric American10 times.

11 times.
What?

I've read everything
you've ever written.

Frankly, that's why
I expected more from you --

Hey!
Changing the subject!

I guess that this isn't
the best time

to ask if we have any shot
at the Mist List this year?

After today,
what do you think?

You ready for your shot,
Graham?

I blinked
and he was just gone.

Rory: Okay, I need feedback
on this smock.

Of course it goes
with the tights,

but then I thought,

why not just --

A pair of cowboy boots!A pair of cowboy boots!

Yes, Montana realness.

[ Gasps ][ Knock on door ]

Hi.

Hey, girls.

-No running.
-We're light jogging.

Okay, listen.

I don't have much time
to explain.

I'm sick.

Sick?!

Oh, I thought
you didn't "allow" germs?

The illness has breached
the system.

Okay, now, listen to me.
I need you to watch the girls,

because
if they see me weak,

then the delicate
parent-to-child power balance

will be disrupted,
and that can't happen.

They've already
started collecting
nursing home brochures.

I'm gonna go
to the woods now.

Wait. The woods?

The metaphorical woods.
Okay.

I need total isolation.

Douglas, just get over yourself
and let me take care of you.

The girls, they --
they can't see me like this.

I think
they'd surprise you.

They aren't psychopaths.

[ Tape creaking ]

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

What were you doing
in there?

You owe me 30 bucks
for this blowout.

I'm sorry, okay?

Talking about
pediatric dietary guidelines

brings out
the wild man in me.

I can't see
through this mask.

Are we still
in the office?

Did I get the shot?

No, sweetheart,
we're gonna have to come back.

[ Vehicle door slams ]I will not let you
ruin my chance

of getting on the Mist List
this year.

I can't do this again.

I've been feeding Graham
turkey for three days

to keep him drowsy.

I am thisclose
to giving him wine.

Now go back in there
and apologize.

She is --
Now.

I --
Right now.

If you --
Now.

But she --
Now!

But -- If --
Now. Now.

I will apologize
for my behavior.

Great.But I will not apologize
for my beliefs.

♪♪

3, 2, 1...

Start the magic.

[ Garbage disposal whirring ]

You girls
just saved me $200.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

Wait, what?

He's where?

I put in
his prescription

and that's when
the fever took control.

Next thing you know,
I'm watching a grown man

try to eat
a coloring book.

Hi, guys!

Do you think these sunglasses
make my face look too small?

I mean, the look is punk,
but it's also now.

They're a "buy"
for me.

Oh, my God.
He's burning up.

The girls can't
see me like this --

Okay.
Da-Daddy's waiting
for medicine.

It's a cold.
Get a hold of yourself!

Terry,
you're our father now.

I'm already feeding
five birds.

I need to be
among the trees.

All right,
let's get you up.

[ Grunts ] Okay.

We're gonna need
a dolly.

♪♪

Well, well.[ Door closes ]

Captain Vegetables.
I, uh...

I just wanted to apologize
for my behavior earlier.

But not my beliefs.

You know, you were right
about parental coercion.

It is in the latest
Pediatric American.

Told ya.
[ Chuckles ]

I was right,
you were wrong.

Just please don't take that
out on Graham, okay?

He really needs
the Mist List --

Have you really read
all of my articles?

Yes, I have,

even the ones you write
under your pen name,

Dr. Vicky Bradshaw.

I don't have a pen name.

Come on.

Oh, you're good.

♪♪

Who are you?

Where did you come from?

Uh, I was born
at a very young age.

[ Chuckles ]

No,
my name's Will Cooper.

I'm from Denver originally,
Mile High City.

Why "mile high"?

Well, it has something to do
with the sea level and the --

Oh, you just think
you're so smart.

You just know it all.

I would never claim
to know it all,

but I-I definitely
think of learning

as sort of
a life's journey thing...

Um, you can never
know everything.

You're -- You're always
constantly learning.

Like, right now feels like
a possible learning experience.

Oh, my God.
You smell so nice.

Douglas:
What am I doing here?

Who are you?

Are you all trees?

What happened to you?
You used to be a man.

Keep them away!
Okay, okay.

Girls,
weren't you gonna remove

that tree stump
in the backyard?

Don't let them back...All right.

No, no, no. [ Groans ]Just let go of my sweater.

Oh, my God, what is
this sweater wet with?

[ Gasps ] All right, I'm gonna
go make him some soup.

Make sure he doesn't eat
anything that isn't food.

I don't like the way
he's been eyeing that remote.

Got it.

This ski lodge,
it's a disgrace.

Oh, I am here for this.

They're closing in
on us, Diana.

Charles will not rest
until we're both dead.

Oh, I love this area.

My...head is...

is very hot.

Rory,
your mom is so pretty.

I wanna kiss your mom.

Come again?

Kiss Poppy's face...

Kiss that pretty face...

Ooh.

Twist.

♪♪

And then, Dr. Dewan put
her hands on my neck like this.

Ohh.

And she said to me,

"I think your lymph nodes
feel fine."

Right?
It was so confusing!

Miggy, you know
all about the ladies.

Help me out.

Let me guess --
she gave you her number?

Yeah. What am I
gonna do with that?

Dating's changed so much
since I met Mia.

Now everything's so confusing,
with all these apps,

like Tinder and Bumble

and Candy Crush
and Calculator.

It's easier than you think,
okay?

Just give her
as little as possible.

Um, text her
a random word

and then see how long
before she responds.

All right.

I'm gonna text her...

"lettuce."

[ Chuckles ]

And sent.

Now we just wait and --

[ Cellphone chimes ]Whoa!

I wonder if she meant
to send that picture.

[ Cellphone chimes ]Or that one.

[ Cellphone chimes ]Or that one.

[ Cellphone chiming ]Okay, I think
it's safe to assume

she means to send these.

What are they?
Nothing.

I guess,
if you must know,

they are what people refer to
as "sexual text messages"...

Oh, okay.
...or "sexages."

Hey, do you think
that Angie would mind

if I asked out
her pediatrician on a date?

I mean, I just don't want
to mess up her chance

to get on the Mist List.

Pfft. If anything,
you hooking up with this doctor

is only gonna help
Angie's chances.

My dude.
Yeah.

[ Groans ]

But no one does dates anymore,
a'ight?

Sex comes first.

Yeah, man.
Yeah.

I'm ready for that.I know you're ready
for that.

I always knew a day would come
I'd have to use my body

as a bargaining chip.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Whoa, mama!

Well, apparently
you can use portrait mode

on more
than just your face.

♪♪

Someone had
a night to remember.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Maybe some video
will jog your memory.

Kiss Poppy's pretty face...

Kiss pretty face...

That is the ravings
of a feverish man.

You're not gonna show that
to your mom, are you?

Who's to say what I'll do?

I'm 7.

I'm not gonna be threatened
by a first grader.

Emma? Amy?
Get in the car.

I don't think
they can hear you.

Oh, they can hear me.

It's happening.
They saw me weak.

Now it's just a matter of time
before they feast on my body.

♪♪

Oh, hey, guys.
Big news.

Tomorrow night, there is a woman
coming over to my house,

and I'm pretty sure
we're going to make sex.

Ooh![ Chanting ]
In-ter-course. In-ter-course.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Finally.

[ Chanting ]
In-ter-course! In-ter-course!

Hi, Susan.Susan: Come on, honey.

Congratulations.
Some woman out there

is gonna have
a very mediocre night.

Yeah, she is.

And she's been sending me
a bunch of sexages...

Ooh!...and I may have sent her
one or two myself.

-God!
-Okay. Not cool.
-Oh, good God, man.

Put your phone away!That's worse than what I thought
you were gonna show us.

I taught you
better than that.Poppy: Terrible.

So who's the kind of
lucky lady?

I'll give you three hints.

You know her,
you respect her,

and it's Dr. Dewan.

It's Dr. Dewan?

[ Miggy laughs ]No, dude.

[ Laughs ]
Definitely not. No.

What she means is
we don't date people
who work with our kids.

It just tends to end
in disaster.

Maybe we can make
an exception for Will.

I mean, he's an adult man,
and damn it,

the poor sap deserves
to lose his virginity.

Yeah,
but the man is wearing

two separate pieces
of fleece clothing.

Maybe we bend the rules
just this once.

Bend the rules?

Where were you
when I wanted to sleep

with the twins'
karate sensei?

Master Gary?

Yeah.
He was so disciplined.

Will, this is
not happening, okay?

I don't want
to start all over

on some new doctor's
Mist List.

You have to end it,
but don't make her angry.

Understand?Absolutely.
Crystal clear.

Keep her happy,
break it off.

No big deal. Simple.[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Sneezes ]

Oh. Unh-unh.
Ah.

Perfect.
You got me sick!

I'd ask you
to take care of me,

but I assume you have
some code against that, too?

You bet your sick ass
I do.

But all you'll be getting
out of me is a Z-Pak

and the number
to my answering service.

Here you go.
Thanks.

Why, hello, Douglas.Hey.

Mom, any interest in some video
I shot on my phone last night?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You know what?

I got a great idea.

Why don't you
get to the pharmacy

and I'll make sure
Rory gets home.

Okay.

Girls, car.

Hey, Emily Dickinson!
How's your fever?

Why don't you go
curl up with a blanket

and write a poem
about it?

[ Laughter ]

What'd I tell you?
I lost them.

[ Giggles ]

[ Sneezes ]

Uh-oh. No.
Unh-unh. Bye-bye.

Nice, Douglas.
Real nice.

Okay, Broseph.

Brozilla, what's up?

I'm really gonna need your help
getting out of this now.

Easy. See, most people
in that situation would be like,

"You wanna get rid of a girl?
Ghost her."

But I say, nah, become
the opposite of a ghost.

Which is a goblin?

A ghoul?

N-No, the opposite of a ghost
is a mailman.

Oh.
You gotta mailman
that chick, bro.

How do you
mailman someone?

[ Groans ] Man...
Okay, look.

You show up, totally
unannounced, at their house.

[ Snaps fingers ]
Puh!

Oh. Yeah, okay.
That sounds like a mailman.

Word.

Have you said anything?

Not yet, but you know how hard
it is to keep a secret,

and I'm starting to think
that this is a juicy one.

What do you want from me?

I think you know
what I want.

To go shopping?

You just made
a huge assumption

about who I am
as a person.

And you were right on.

I won't take you
shopping.

Yes, you will.

♪♪

[ Seatbelt clicks ]To the mall. Chop-chop.

♪♪

[ Engine starts ]

I got to say,

mailmanning feels
a little bit like stalking.

Exactly.
It'll freak her ass out,

and she won't be
into you anymore.

Wow. Feels kind of thrilling,
you know?

Word.You're sure it's gonna work?

Man, I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.

♪♪

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, just, uh,
dropping by unannounced

at your personal
residence.

Off-putting, right?
Well, that's just me.

Red Flag City,
population -- one lunatic.

Ding, dong.

It's the mailman.

The mailman?

Mm-hmm.

I like that.

♪♪

I gotta know
what's in your bag.

Coupons mostly,
a couple of real-estate mailers.

This bag's property of the
United States Postal Service,

and tampering with it
is a federal offense.

And also, I don't actually
have a mail bag.

And also,
I'm not a mailman.

See, the whole reason
that I did this thing --

[ Moans ]

♪♪

[ Door closes ]

Yep, I can verify
that purchase.

It was, uh, nine pairs
of children's Italian loafers.

Th-Th-That's right,
and $219 at the robe store.

What? Hold on.

Did you sneak away

and buy
an espresso machine?

It's being delivered.

Yeah, that was us, too.[ Cellphone beeps ]

Well, that was the second call
from my credit card company.

Are you satisfied?

Honestly, I don't know
if I'll ever be satisfied.

Guess the only way to find out
is to keep shopping.

Tell you what.
You want my watch?
Take my watch.

My grandfather
gave this to me

when I graduated
from medical school,

but I can't handle you
trying on another tunic.

Wait.

You're going to actually give me
your grandfather's watch?

Why would you do that

unless...

No. No, there's --
there's no reason.

I'm just trying to avoid
an embarrassing situation.

You know what I think,
Douglas?

I think that you actually
like my mom

and you're scared
she'll find out.

Tell me I'm wrong.

You just hesitated.

N-No, I was swallowing.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a hesitation!

Can a man even swallow?We have a hesitation!

No going back!I was swallowing.

J-J-- Take the watch.

I don't want
that tacky thing.

Just show her you care.

And let's take
one last lap for tunics.

I don't think
we've found the one yet.

♪♪

Oh!

♪♪

Mailmanning did notwork.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Oh, man. How did I not know
about casual sex before this?

It's amazing!

We, like, got all naked.

She doesn't even know
my middle name.

Ooh!
[ Laughs ]

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Oh, no.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Angie!

Hey.Always a treat.

I thought I'd just see
how it went with Dr. Dewan.

Your breathing
sounds normal,

so I guess she didn't
crush your windpipe.

[ Chuckles ]
That's funny.

You know, I was actually just
telling Miggy how well it went.

I think
you'd be very surprised

with how Dr. Dewan
handled the situation.

I was.
Thank God.

I know how
she can take bad news.

Okay, talk soon.

Bye!

[ Beep, click ]

Private lessons?

Master Gary...

This is a disaster.

I promised Angie I'd end it,
and now...

Can I be honest?
Will to Miggy?

Mm-hmm.
I don't want to!

Thank God I have you.
Tell me how to fix this.

I know
I'm in good hands.

Yeah!

So, uh...
you just...uh...

So, typically
at this point...

Okay.
...you...uh...

Tell me.

I made it up, man.
All of it.

I have no idea
what I'm talking about.

What?
Why would you do that?

I don't know.

I just liked
that someone thought

I was an expert
on something.

I mean, who knew just texting
"lettuce" would work?

Ho'd up.

Haven't you been with
a bunch of ladies?

Two, technically three?

But it was
in high school, man,

and all I had to do was
just walk over and be like,

"Yo, you wanna see me throw
this fish tank off the roof?"

[ Chuckles ]

Then I hooked up
with my best friend

and she got knocked up
by accident.

But can I be honest with you,
Miggy to Will?

Of course.
Miggy to Will.

Maybe it's dumb,
but I'm still sort of

holding out hope
for Jack's mom,

which has made
meeting other girls tough.

Every time I go to download
a dating app,

I spend five hours just looking
at Zara's Instagram.

That is just...
so beautiful.

Thanks.

And also,
I'm seething with rage.

It was creative, though --
"mailmanning"?

[ Chuckles ]
Better than my first idea.

Lady-bugging.

That's where you just
land on her shoulder.

What are you
gonna do now, man?

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Poppy?

[ Crickets chirping ]

I can't see.
Are you here?

[ Raspily ] Are you sure
you want to see me like this?

I'll take my chances.

Okay.

Pardon me,
Ms. Diana Ross.

I'm looking
for my friend Poppy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Coughs ]

What made you
change your mind?

Well...

How lucid are you
right now?

Eh.

I, uh...

I've always had a hard time
with weakness.

My father had 11 kills
in France,

and now it's 2018,

and I'm supposed to
let a woman

peel me off the floor
of a pharmacy.

Where the hell's
the dignity in that, right?

Plus, your son tried
to blackmail me

because he knows that I think
he has a pretty mom.

[ Snoring ]

Oh, thank God.

Okay.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Whistling ]

Hey.

I know
you're not expecting me.

Honestly not trying
to mailman you.

So it isa thing.Just hear me out.

It means a lot

that you're willing
to give up Dr. Dewan for me.

But I thought about it,
and...

Oh, God.

I've never met a man
who needs to have sex more.

I mean,
just look at you.

Where do you even
find a T-shirt

with sleeves
that big and billowy?

[ Exhales sharply ]

So, if you like her,

go for it.

Hello, Angela.

Oh. So you didn't
give her up?

You just said it was okay.No, it is not okay.

Well, I went to her
house and I tried to
break it off with her.

Obviously. I'm just
trying to be nice.

She's a spitfire.It's not okay.

Angela.
Dr. Dewan.

We just had an opening
on the Mist List.

Do you want to come in
tomorrow, say around 3:00?

I...

Yes,
that would be great.

Okay.

So everything worked out.

[ Crunches ]

Hmm. Looks like I'm gonna
have to floss tonight.

Ew.Show yourself out?

We're home, Bernie Sanders.

Yeah, Mr. Free College.

There better be a snack
on the table.

Dad?

Dad, are you here?

"Ladies, I've gone
to the woods to die.

Don't bother
looking for me."

Douglas: "I'm sure raccoons
and other hungry vermin

have torn apart my body by now

and that's not how your old man
wants to be remembered.

Anyway, you'll be fine.

You're strong enough
to raise yourselves.

There's bologna in the fridge.

Goodbye."

Daddy's gone?

But we're just kids!

Aah!

[ Both scream ]

Who's weak now?

Damn it. Girls, get the wet vac!

Getting it!
On the double!

[ Chuckles ]