All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

So you're the only new kid.
Big deal, right?

You are gonna crush
first grade, Soph.

Thanks, Dad.
A-A-And in case
you doget nervous,

I got you
something special.

A magical amulet.

Nothing bad can happen to you
when you got this guy on.

[wizard voice] Careful! Ooh,
don't let the magic out!

[gasps]

Did you make this
out of Post-its?

No!

Yes.
It's gonna be
way worse for me

if I'm wearing sticky notes
around my neck.

I'm good on my own.

[normal voice]
You're good on your own?

Yeah.
See you at pickup.

Okay.

Bye.
[smooches]

WILL [SOFTLY]:
♪ I've been staring
at the edge of the water ♪

♪ Long as I can remember

♪ Never really knowing why,
cha cha cha cha cha ♪

Are you whisper-singing
"Moana" at me?

Well, yeah, 'cause it always
calms you down.

But not now.
Bad timing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.

Read the room, right?
Okay, you got this.

Bye, I love you.
-Bye.

-It's gonna be fun.
-What if I miss you?

Look, buddy,
we talked about this.

It's only six hours.
You're gonna do great.

Can I have your scarf?

Graham, we're not
doing the scarf thing.

Please. It helps when I have
something of yours to sniff.

Look, I don't want you
sitting at your desk during
recess sniffing my stuff.

Okay, fine, but you're gonna
eat vegetables tonight,

the green bummer ones.

[sniffs deeply]
Mmm.

Like coconuts
and safety.

Mom? I'm regretting
the purple.

I should have dressed
like a normal kid.

Hey. What's the one thing
you always have to be?

-Myself?
-And who are you?

Honestly, Mom,
I don't even know right now.

Hey, you are a smart,
stylish young man

who could pull off jewel tones
better than anyone I know.

And you can cut a rug.

Okay.

Today, I am a grape!

You heard him.
My kid's living his truth.

Dad, you forgot
our lunch boxes.

Okay, tell you what.

Take 20 bucks and buy yourself
a burger from the grill, huh?

Dad, this isn't the club.
There's no grill.

Right. Here, sweetheart.
Get yourself some crap

with a rainbow on it.
My kid's taking your lunch.

Hey!No one ever packed me snacks.
Make it work.

Dad, you can't
call girls "sweetheart."

It's not empowering.

Okay, let me tell you
what isempowering --

fending for yourself.

Kids today,
they're treated like morons.

But not you two.

I would share a foxhole
with both of you,

and that is the highest
compliment I can give you.

All right, hit me
with the family motto.

No weakness.Drain the swamp.

[all exhale sharply]

Excuse me. Sir?
Are you supposed to be here?

Do you have a child
in this class?

Oh, uh,
he's my neighbor.

He's 20,
and he's raising a baby alone.

He hasn't fully accepted

that his life has changed
forever, you know?

Yeah, um, I'm not
running a support group.

You're a little mean.
I like it.

[Jack cries]Where am I?

Oh, I had
the strangest dream.

[Jack cooing]

Oh.

Sir, I'm gonna
ask you to leave.

He goes where we go.

Here you go.
Get yourself something nice.

I can't accept tips.

Okay. It, uh,
"dropped on the floor."

[Ringing]

Attention! Excuse me!

Hello, hi!
Quiet coyotes.

Quiet coyotes.
Thank you.

My name is Will Cooper,

and I have the honor
of being your Room Parent.

-Nice.
-That's exciting.

-Oh, no.
-Ooh, this is bad.

Is he wearing a necklace
made of garbage?

Uh, Sophie and I
are new to the school,

and we are so looking forward

to getting to know
every one of you.

I am single.

Um...

Always try to
get that out there.

Just never quite sure
how to work it in.

But that just means
I have more time

for creating a little
hot lunch option I call...

[Oprah-style singsong voice]
..."Taco Tuesday," y'all!

[Applause][Normal voice] Right?

Did he just
"Oprah" that?

He know he's white,
right?

Everybody knows.

Come on! Give me fives!
All right!

Somebody tell me
when it's safe

for my nuts
to return to my body.

Now, I see a lot of you
are wondering,

"Where do I fit
into the equation?"

Five words -- "One hundred
percent parent participation."

He's got to be kidding.[Murmuring]

-I am not kidding.
-Not happening.

I'm gonna be standing
right outside that door

with this sign-up sheet, okay?

This is what's become
of the American male.

We used to make things.

Empathy, Douglas.
He's single. We're single.

No, I've never been
thatsingle.

Do not try to avoid me,

'cause I will hunt you down
and circle you like a shark.

[imitating shark][children gasp]

♪♪

Okay, guys,
we need to talk babysitting.

I'll need help
Thursday because

all the paralegals
are going out to karaoke.

Just kidding.
We're staying late to file.

On Thursday, I'm busy.

I got to 'Gram
my new Yeezys.

You're a ridiculous person.Thanks, man!

Well, at least
he doesn't eat steak

with the same pasty old
white guys night after night.

We're not
pasty old white guys.

We're dermatologists

saving the lives
of pasty old white guys.

Hey, guys,
I need some help.

Found this
in Graham's backpack.

Aww, Graham
wrote a love letter.

Aww.

-Oh, no, to Zoe?
-Yes.

That girl who always
wears bunny ears?

-She's crazy.
-She runs the school.

And if she
breaks Graham's heart,

I will chop off her feet
and turn them into keychains.

-Huh?
-Just kidding.

But I'll be really mad.[indistinct talking
in distance]

Oh, God, the new guy.

...field trips? Actually,
are you insured drivers?

We have got to deal
with him.

But I have no time to be
handing out tacos all year.No.

Word.I'm still in awe of how you
did away

with last year's
Room Parent.

You wiped all trace of us from
that phone tree.
It's kind
of my thing.

Parents! Will Cooper!

I just wanted to,
uh, circle back

and see where we are
vis-à-vis committees.

You know what?
Let me say it plain --

we're not gonna do anything
you want us to do.

No, man.
We're single parents.

We don't volunteer.
We just try and survive

until a time in the day when
it's appropriate to open wine.

I don't know if you
heard my announcement,
but I'm single, as well.

-We heard.
-We -- We heard.
-We heard, bro.

So I have no wiggle room
on parent participation.

You're in deep,
aren't you?

Deep in what?

The vortex.

That place where you're
so wrapped up in your kid

that you've lost all touch
with your adult life

and the person
you used to be.

I know,
'cause I've been there.

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪[baby crying]

♪ Round and round,
round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

[thud]

It happens
to all of us.

But [chuckles] I don't think
I'm in a vortex.

Will, when was the last time
you stayed up past 10:00?

In the nighttime?

Okay, when's the last time
you made love?

[laughing] Oh, my...

It's okay.
There's no judgment here.

This is a safe space.

For real.Yeah, just tell us.
Just ballpark.

All right, ballpark...

give or take a month,
it's been about...

five years.

-Oh, baby, no.
-Whoo!

[indistinct shouting]

-Dang!
-Oh, my God.

You guys said that
this was a safe space.

Not that safe.

You know, what you need
is a date.

Poppy?

There. I made you
a Tinder account.

How did you -- Is that my face
on Putin's body?

Pushing you into
the deep end, Will.

That's how we do this.

If I'm being honest,
the timing's not great.

It's 120 days
till Christmas --

Are you gonna hide
behind that sign-up sheet

or am I swiping right?

I've got Room Parent
responsibilities --

Swipe! Swipe!I have no investment
either way.

I've never done something
like this before, okay?[chanting "Swipe!"]

You know what? Do it.
Swipe left!

It's "swipe right."

It's "swipe right,"
and you just said that. Sorry.

Okay, okay, okay.
We got Emma, we got Amy,

we got Rory, we got Graham.
Who are you?

Wrong van, kid.
Get out of here. Beat it.

Angie! Hey!
Will Cooper from yesterday.

So, tonight's date night.
-Ooh.

Remember, a real man
pays for dinner.

Is that true? I mean, I don't
know by 2018's standards --

Will, I say this
with an open heart

and nothing but love --

you're a disaster.
-Preach.

Yeah, I don't know
if I'm a disaster.

I mean, yes,
I'm experiencing some anxiety,

but that's normal, okay?
And I'm just --

Will. I don't have time
for this.

-Oh.
-We got you the date,

and now I have to babysit
everyone else's kids

so I can have a Saturday night
to drink champagne out of a can

and watch
a bird documentary.

Okay, 'cause I was actually
coming over to say

I could babysit today
if you wa--

-We'll be there in 15 minutes.
-Oh, cool.

♪ That's right DIEGO: Yo, why did

you bring your baby
to the sneaker line?

'Cause free babysitting doesn't
just fall out of the sky.

[scoffs][cellphone chimes]

Oh, snap!
Free babysitting!

All right, yo, hey.
Be right back.

Wait --
Okay.

I -- Imma come back.
Hold my spot.

I -- I'll be back
without the baby. Just me.

Hold my spot!

♪♪

[doorbell rings]Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper!

Do you guys want to go
play in my room?

The theme is
"tasteful unicorn."

Thanks a lot. We'll be back
in a few. Good God.

-This place is a wonderland.
-Every chair is a beanbag.

There's no chair
that isn't a beanbag.

All chairs
currently have beans.

Indoor trampoline?

So they can bounce
when it's raining.

[door closes]Will, sit down.

[thud]

What are you gonna wear
on your date tonight?

-This?
-Oh, God.

[chuckles]
Oh, you're serious.

Or -- Or...

[Zipping]...I do have another option.

Ah!

Shorts![Jack cries]

Y-Your pants are making
my baby cry, man!

Make it stop.
Make it all stop.

Here. Oh.
I know. I know.

Rock, squat, pause.

Rock, squat, pause.

[crying stops]Oh. There we go.

Oh, my God.
What did you do?

It's a little something
I call

rock, squat, pause.

-"Puss"?
-No.

-"Puzz."
-Rock, squat --

Listen --
rock, squat, pause.

-Puh...
-"Pause." "Pause."

Oh, "pause"!

Say it with me.
Ro--

-Never.
-Nah, man.

What if I learn
to do that

and then Ihaven't had sex
in five years

and I'm wearing pants
that zip off into shorts?

Give me my baby.[Jack coos]

Ah, you guys,
you're right.

I-I -- I'm clearly
not ready, okay?

I-I say we put the brakes
on the date tonight,

okay, just until after
Taco Tuesday's figured out.

I want to keep that guac
from browning --

No. No. Focus.

There's honestly a lot of fear
that's creeping in.

-Take a deep breath.
-[exhales sharply]

You're going on this date.

[unsure] Good.
I'm excited about that.

DOUGLAS: Hey,
so just making sure,

you're gonna be taking
Emma and Amy tonight?

Because I'm getting together
with my dermatologist pals.

Oh, Rory wanted me
to ask you to come

to his dance party
tonight.

Aww, what a sweetheart.
Pass.

I told you,
he's going through a thing.

He won't even wear his favorite
leotard to school

'cause he's scared other kids
will make fun of him.

Well, of course they're
gonna make fun of him.

When I was a boy,

I got beaten up for smiling
at a basketball game.

All right, look.
I don't know why,

but my kid likes you.

Okay? And in case
you haven't noticed,

he doesn't have another man
in his life,

so why don't you just
show up for him?

I don't dance, okay,
especially with guys.

You know, I still can't
wrap my head around this place.

Why does every book have to be
on yoga and menopause?

Douglas...
you are why we march.

Oh, God.

Yo, why do we
have to do this again?

I just don't want to send him
out into the world like this.

I mean,
it would be a crime.

It's like leaving a baby
on a doorstep

and hoping for the best.

Miggy.
Hmm?

You can't actually
do that.

-[scoffs] I knew that.
-Just checking.

I just don't want him
to bomb his date

and start harassing us again
about hot lunch.

This is the third pair
of earmuffs I have found.

Who hurt this guy?

"Zoe, I want to hug you
and give you all my gum."

That's a great start.

I've been in love with Zoe
since day one of kindergarten.

Then she put those
bunny ears on --

stick a fork in me,
I'm done.

-It's your first love.
-[slurps]

That's a big deal.
It's exciting.

You shouldn't be afraid
to let your feelings out.

Exactly.

That's how I want to play it
with Zoe.

Raw, open, positive.

Oh, by the way,

don't let my mom scare you
about the date tonight.

She doesn't
believe in love because...

my dad is kind of
a garbage human.

That's good to know.

But I'm gonna cut you off
on the juice boxes, 'kay, bud?

Hey, Will? Angie says
I have to give you a makeover.

[sighs]
This is my Everest.

ANGIE: [in distance]
Oh, my God!

♪♪

Angie, are you hurt?

Why do you have this?

Oh. [scoffs]

Honestly, I've never
seen that before in my life.

Dude, your wallet
is in here

and a bag of popcorn
that's still hot.

You've used this today.

Yeah, I use it
for snacks, okay?

Nobody ever tells dads
what to do about snacks,

and this is a good
snack holder.

It was actually my wife's...
before she left.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Do you think that
maybe there's a reason --

I don't know, just
throwing it out there --

that this is the bag
she didn'ttake when she left?

[both laugh]

Do you miss her?

No.

But I miss having someone,

and not just for the bad stuff
or hard stuff or whatever,

but -- but for
all of the good things,

like when she
lost her first tooth

and when she
told her first joke

and the week she
demanded I call her

"Jelly Bean
Teen Machine."

Nobody tells you
how lonely it can be.

One time, I made a boyfriend
out of a pile of laundry...

and I rolled around
in him.

[chuckles]

It wasn't built to last.

[both laugh]

But when you have kids,
something happens to you.

You become mush.
Mm.

But you got to hide that.
That's what I tell Graham.

Otherwise, that little weirdo's
gonna get his heart broken.

I-I honestly don't know

if I'm capable
of hiding my mush.

I mean,
you guys are lucky.

You have each other
to look out for one another,

but it's just me.

Do you ever
look at each other and go,

"Ah, it takes a vill--"Don't say it.

Just throw out
the bag.

Hey. Did Angie
text you her plan?

Yeah, we help him
get ready for the date,

and then we never
have to volunteer.

Hello, ladies.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, Dad.

-Hey, girls. What are you doing?
-Will's floor mats.

Would it kill him to shampoo
them once in a while?

People don't think
that kids can buff and wax,

but they're
the perfect height.

Before I can commit to a blazer,
ask yourself --

can this man pull off
this vest?

I mean, he doesn't
have the arms,

but, you know,
he might have the attitude.

-No, no vest.
-Vest.

-For the love of God, no vest.
-Mm-hmm. Vest.

Maybe this
wants to live here,

for tonight's dance party?
-I'm seeing it.

-♪ Dance party
-Oh, okay, please.

Forget it. We've been trying
to get him

to sing and dance
for years.

They're right.
I-I'm sorry, kid,

but I'm not
going to the party.

That's okay.
Maybe next time.

[birds chirping]

Nice, Douglas.
Real nice.

Rory, I'll wear your vest.
-What?

You don't have the right torso
for a vest, Mom.

Stop trying
to make it happen.

-Ah, I get it, Doug.
-Douglas.

Afraid to risk
embarrassing yourself,

but that's the greatest part
of parenting is,

it gets you
out of your comfort zone.

Look, I'm not interested
in leaving my comfort zone,

and I haven't been
since my wife died.

Oh, I'm --No, no, I see
you want to hug me,

and I'm gonna have to
stop you right there.

I can't imagine
losing your best friend.

She was a 26-year-old
exotic dancer.

She looked great
in pants.

Ain't love
a funny thing.

Anyway, I said,
"Okay, I'll have kids,"

thinking I would change
one diaper

and get dementia right before
they hit their teens.

Instead, she dropped dead
and left me with two baby girls.

The point is, I don't need
any more surprises.

All right, but it's never
too late to try something new.

I think it'd be
good for you, Doug.

Douglas.
I think it'd be good
for your girls.

You don't have to
go it alone.

I can be your friend,
Doug.

Douglas.
It's Douglas.

And I don't need
any more friends.

The only reason
why any of us are here

is so we can
get out of volunteering.

Wait, hold on.

Angie, is that true?

Look...
[sighs]

I told you about
Jelly Bean Teen Machine.

Wait.
We wanted to help you.

I mean, we do now.
-No, it's fine, honestly.

We're not friends,
which is actually a good thing,

'cause now I can admit I didn't
throw away the mermaid bag.

I hid it in the petticoat
of Barbie B. Anthony!

DOUGLAS: A man
with a mermaid bag.

I blame Obama.

I don't know
how to cover up my mush.

But maybe
that's not a bad thing.

Maybe you guys could actually
use a little bit more mush.

Will, I will
hand out tacos.

No. Don't, okay?

It's just disappointing.

I thought I'd finally
found

a group
that I could share this with.

It takes a vill--
-Don't say it.

It takes a vill--

-Stop!
-No, no.

Well, thanks
for getting me a date,

which I now have to go on.

Sophie, I'm taking you
to Nana's.

It takes a village.
Ha, I did it.

Dang, girl.
I just love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And also you told me
five minutes ago.

No, I was reading over
an e-mail to Zoe.

I think it's good.
Send.

[whoosh]What? You sent?

You got to put yourself
out there.

Will gets it.
He told me to go for it.

That was
a really fun dinner.

I loved when you looked up
from your phone.

But it is good that you got to
FaceTime with your sister.

You guys worked through
so many issues.

[door slams]

Should we make out now?

Gah.

♪♪

Mwah. Mwah. Oh, wow,
this is happening.

-Take your pants off.
-Get these jeans down.

There we go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh,
the touch of a woman.

[exhales sharply]
I love you.

You what?

[door slams]

Good night.

[sighs]

Oh, my keys.

[knocks on door]Heather, please open the door.
Please let me in.

[pounding on door]I need to come
into your apartment.

I'm just a dad who says

"I love you"
a thousand times a day,

and that's not a bad thing.

Hi, are you in there?
I don't love you.

I'm not even sure I like you.

My keys are inside!

[cellphone rings]Heather -- Will Cooper.

How could you tell Graham
to put himself out there?

He's gonna get hurt.
Wait, why are you answering?

Aren't you supposed to
be on a date?

Well, I let out my mush,

and now there's mush
all over this lady's apartment,

and my keys
are locked inside.

You guys were right.
I can't do this.

[siren wails in distance]But maybe that's a good thing,

because I actually like
being single.

It's gonna give me
more time to figure out

Sophie's Halloween costume.

She's going as a princess,

but I have to find
my own spin on that.

Uh, are those sirens?

Yeah, but they're not for me.

-Sir, don't move.
-Oh, they arefor me.

Oh -- Oh, my God.
Will. Will --

-Hello, officers.
-Will, what's going on?

Will Cooper.

♪ That's right, hold it down

[Jack coos]Miggy! Emergency! Get in!

Dude, tell your weird
parent friends to stay away.

We got to earn respect
on the sneaker line.

[Jack coos]

[indistinct conversations]

♪♪

So I cut off
the skin tag on the green,

and I still managed
to make a birdie.

[laughter]Douglas.

Will's in trouble.
We got to go.

What, I-I --I'm the only
babysitter you got,

and I'm not afraid
to go on strike.

♪♪

My ex, she's in the Sudan.

She's a human-rights lawyer.
She's doing great work,

and -- and, you know,
I don't fault her for that.

I just -- I-I never imagined
raising a child on my own,

and I think part of me still
feels like she's coming back.

Dude,
she's not coming back.

♪♪

We all got left,
but we're not alone.

[gate closes]

Officers, let him go.
He's not dangerous.

Look at his shoes.
He's wearing Keds.

OFFICER: His Keds
are not the issue, ma'am.

But they are anissue.

Look,
he didn't hurt anyone.

Let's forget about this,
officers.

Go ahead.
Get yourself something nice.

I know what you make.

Sir, put the money away.
You, come with us.

[cellphone ringing]I -- I'm so sorry.

Sophie, hey.

Dad, I know I said I didn't
need the song anymore, but...

Of course.

♪ I've been staring
at the edge of the water ♪

♪ Long as I can remember

♪ Never really knowing why

♪ I wish I could
be the perfect daughter ♪

♪ But I go back to the water

♪ No matter how hard I try

BOTH: ♪ See the line
where the sky meets the sea ♪

♪ It calls me

♪ And no one knows

♪ How far it goes

EMMA: I knew it.

-♪ What's beyond that line?
Will I cross that line? ♪
-He knows all the words.

-♪ The line where
the sky meets the sea ♪
-That beautiful bastard.

WILL: ♪ It calls me

♪ And no one knows
-Rory, would you like to dance?

-♪ How far it goes
-The answer is always yes.

-♪ If the wind in my sail
on the sea stays behind me ♪
-Hey.

-♪ One day I'll know
-You're looking so good, Rory!

♪ How far I'll go

-Whoo! Go, baby!
-Whoo-hoo!

[vocalizing]

What's happening?
Who are these people?

They're my village.

-No, boo.
-You ruined it.

Dad, you've got
to tighten up.

♪♪

Mwah. Look at you
not asking for a scarf.

Soph.

-TOGETHER: No weakness!
-Yes. Ow.

Rory.
-Douglas.

BOTH: Rock, squat, pause.
Rock, squat, pause.

-The -- The pause is a bounce.
-Oh, a bounce.

[gasps] Guys. Zoe.
She's going for Graham.

Don't let the bunny ears
fool you.

She's a cold-blooded killer!
-Hey, hey, hey, hang on.

He's got this.

I got your e-mail.

It shook me
to my core.

♪♪

♪♪

She likes him.

[gasps] That Easter freak
likes my kid!

Aww, and they're sharing gum.
That's huge.

It's gross.
-It is gross.

But it's -- it's huge.

I told you. Mush works.

And from now on,
I will eat at restaurants

that don't give out crayons.
-Whoo!

-Yeah!
-I'm gonna maybe

start drinking coffee
after 4:00 p.m.

-Whoo!
-Sounds fine.

I am out of the vortex!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Okay.

Don't go up the slide.

-♪ Oh, baby, please
-He's a long way from sex.

I am out of the vortex!

-♪ Give a little respect
-I watched a guy get crushed
by a forklift,

but this is worse.
-Word.

Third time's the charm.

[grunts]

♪ To me

I'm out of the vortex!