All language subtitles for Lovejoy S04E01 The Napoleonic Commode

(Birds tweeting)

(Stereo) ♪ There's a bright golden haze
on the meadow

♪ There's a bright golden haze
on the meadow

♪ The corn is as high
as an elephant's eye

♪ And it looks like it's climbin'

♪ Clear up to the sky

♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day

♪ I've... ♪

Oh, Kevin, there you are!
Listen, the deal is this, Kev.

You're gonna paint and wallpaper
a couple of bedrooms

and I'm gonna present you with
a fabulous French carriage clock.

What do you mean does it go?
Of course it goes.

What? It's worth 500 quid, Kevin!

What do you mean
you can't need a clock?

(Laughs)

Kevin, please... Kevin?

Kevin?!

(Sighs)

♪... brown maverick
who's winking his eyes... ♪

(Music stops abruptly)

(Toaster pops up)

(Drilling)

What the hell are you doing up there?

Morning.

What the hell
are you doing over there?

I've got a washing machine
full of T-shirts in here!

This is what comes of privatisation,
I suppose!

Are you Frederick Arthur Haig
Montgomery Wavell Reeve?

- Who?
- Freddy the Phone ring a bell?

My name is Mrs. Neighbour.

Yes, yes,
as in love thy or Ramsey Street.

I'm a bailiff acting on behalf
of the high sheriff

and I have here
two High Court writs of fieri facias.

(Giggles)

No, no, I'm not joking.

In respect of a High Court judgment
against Fredrick Reeve

and on behalf of the Inland Revenue,

I'm here to restrain goods

to the value of £108,000 and 16 pence.

£108,000 and 16 pence?
You have definitely come to the wrong place.

You interrupted me.
I was on the telephone.

The second writ is
for the repossession of this property

for non-payment of the mortgage.

Anything to say?

Anything to say?
You bet I've got something to say!

£108,000?

Are you Mr. Reeve
or his representative?

No! I am not Mr. Reeve
and I am not his representative!

I am merely looking after his house.
I am house-sitting.

Now what about this fella over here
and this fella up here, eh?

All right, then, sunshine.
What's your name?

Lovejoy. What's yours?

No Lovejoy here.
Certainly not a poll-tax payer.

Not on
the electoral register neither.

Not even a library ticket.
Not even a registered motor vehicle.

Only a Freddy Reeve.

- That's mine.
- Got the MOT, Lovejoy?

Here, this place is full of old rubbish.

Excuse me, but that old rubbish

happens to be antique rubbish
and it happens to be mine!

Now get out of there!

I thought you said
you were house-sitting.

Oh, yeah, I am
but, I mean, that doesn't preclude

a little commercial enterprise
on the side, does it, Mrs. Neighbour?

Providing it's below
the tax threshold, of course.

If it's yours, then you'll
have receipts for it, no doubt.

Proof of purchase, checkbook stubs,
that kind of thing.

Well, yeah, I do but I can't put
my hands on them at the moment.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

I'd say he stole it, Mrs. Neighbour.
Nice motor, mind.

Mr. Lovejoy, Mr. Reeve's
been given adequate warning.

What did you do with all those
recorded-delivery letters we sent you?

I ate them! What do you think
I did with them? I redirected them.

To what address? A post office box
in Antarctica, was it?

Six minutes left.

I think they're really gonna
go through with this.

It's a lovely day for it.

Kumar!

Kumar!

Lovejoy, how are you?
I haven't seen you for ages.

A bit gloomy, Mr. Kumar.
A bit gloomy.

- How's the family?
- All fine. Come for your key?

You guessed it.

Jasi, go and get Lovejoy his key.
Number 12.

(Speaks in Punjabi)

Let me see.

I think there is
a little bit of rent outstanding.

- Really?
- Yes. £200 to be exact.

Really? Mr. Kumar,
this could be your lucky day.

I just happen to have here a carriage clock
that if it's worth 400 quid,

it's worth a penny.

If you were to square away the rent
and give me £100 out of the till,

I'd call it even Steven.

Even Steven, yes, but no 100.

Mr. Kumar,
we are talking quality here.

I mean, this is beautiful.
Ask your wife.

It comes from a very, very famous
French clockmaker.

And this came from
a very famous American university.

Do you mind?

Everyone should get themselves
one of these places.

Tucked away.

(Whispers) No one knows you're here.

Emergency rations.

Well, you could call them
disaster supplies,

which, for one reason or another,
mostly to do with insurance claims,

have had to go off the radar
for a couple of years.

Oh, yes. My Bukhara carpet.

It was my Bukhara carpet.

Ah, my Goya engraving
of one of the disasters of war.

That's ironic, isn't it?

Oh, I knew she wouldn't let me down!

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get it, Janey.

Yes. Can I help you?

Er... yes. I'm looking for Jane.
Is she home?

Oh. Oh, who shall I say called?
I mean...

Lovejoy, how are you?
How was the trip?

Back so soon?

Peter, this is Lovejoy.

Lovejoy, this is
the honorable Peter Felsham.

Alex's uncle.

He and his wife
are staying for a few days.

How do you do?

I expect you've come to collect
your house keys, have you?

They're in the car.

Jane was looking after my king cobra.
Nice to have met you.

And you.

- What on earth's happened?
- I have lost the lot.

The bailiffs reunited Freddy the Phone
with the Inland Revenue.

They took the house, the stock.
They took everything!

That's dreadful!

So I thought I could stay with you
for a couple of days.

You can't, Lovejoy. I'm sorry.
They're staying until Wednesday.

- Lovely day, isn't it, Janey?
- (Laughs) Yes!

Oh, you poor dear. This is terrible!
What on earth can I do?

- Break open your piggy bank?
- Please, Lovejoy...

Might go out for a spot of lunch later.

Yes. Do you not want some money?

I thought maybe I could borrow the car
for a couple of days.

You can't. They came by train.
I need it to run them around in.

You can borrow my old bike.
It's in the stables.

I'll see you the moment
I can get away.

Yes, I'll bring
the white mice round later.

Nasty things snakes, Lovejoy, you know.

I remember once when I was in India,
under canvas, of course,

we were outside
a little town called...

Oh, what was it called now?

This is plunder!
They're absolute Visigoths!

Absolute what?

Visigoths. The desecrated Greece
and sacked Rome in 410.

Oh, right, those Visigoths!

So what you're trying to tell us is
that we're ruined. Absolutely ruined!

I'm not trying to tell you, Eric,
I am telling you.

I don't live there any more.
They took the lot.

And, what's more, they did it
in the name of the law.

Janey must have had £3,000 worth
of furniture stored in that place

and the rest of it
must have been worth six.

And why didn't you call her?

She could have pulled 'em
out of there with her contacts.

Because they cut the phone, you pillock!

By the time I got to her place,
the stuff could have been anywhere.

What about our partnership?
What's gonna happen to that?

I'd say you were worth 2.5 grand less
than you were worth yesterday.

- Still want your shares, Eric?
- But I'm brassic, Lovejoy!

Gentlemen,
I think this calls for another drink.

(Sighs)

I mean, I've only got the Harley.

I mean, Tinker can punt this lot out
if he gets strapped for cash.

This is my modernist collection.

It's taken years
to gather this lot together.

I thought you bought it new.

It's my only tenuous hold on reality
in an increasingly insane world.

Oh, I must say, I do crave
the old Ottoman now and again.

You'll get it all back, Eric.
It always comes around again.

It always does.

Just a question of getting out there
and starting again.

Had a sniff of anything? Tink?

Do you remember Bernard,
the warden of the old folks' home?

- Mm.
- Oh, yeah...

No, no, no. Hang on.

Last night in the pub,

I heard he's trying
to shift a piece of French furniture

belonging to an old resident of his.

The deal is fifty-fifty.

- Fancy a shoofty?
- We need all the shoofty we can get.

11 o'clock tomorrow morning?

(Dial tone)

(Woman) Diga.

Buenos dias.
Senor Freddy el Teléfono, por favor.

- No. Mr. Freddy no esta.
- No aqui?

He go to Gibraltar for a few days.

Pero puede dejar
un mensaje si quiere?

Huh? Mensaje? Oh, yes.
Yes, I'd like to leave a mensaje.

Er... Senor Lovejoy...

- Lovejoy?
- Yes, he should call Senor Lovejoy.

Inglaterra. 0831283496.

283496.

Muchas gracias.

- Adios.
- Adios. No hay de que.

There you go.

Oh, you spoil me, you do, Mrs. Park.

It's my pleasure, Lovejoy.

(Giggles)

(Engine splutters)

We've had some real dingbats in here.

You've heard about the stuffed wolf,
haven't you?

- Stuffed wolf?
- Yeah.

A couple of months ago, an old geezer
bought this stuffed wolf in with him.

About four foot high.

- What, the geezer?
- No, the wolf.

Oh.

Well, he put it in the corner of his room

and the central heating
dried it out so much,

the skin split open
and guess what there was inside?

- Go on.
- Little Red Riding Hood?

(Laughs) Little Red Riding...

Hello, lads. Bernard, sorry I'm late.

Hello, Lovejoy.

- It's a commode.
- Yeah.

Tinker, you brought me
all the way down here

to look at a commode?

But this is
no ordinary commode, Lovejoy.

This is Napoleon's commode.
Look at the N.

Cruel irony, Tick.
I haven't got a pot to piss in

and all you come up with
is an antique French loo.

(Tick) Psst!

It looks as if it's made by Bullock
and has an excellent provenance.

Something small, dark and petrified,
no doubt.

Sounds like you, Lovejoy! (Laughs)

Thank you, Eric.

Most 18th- and 19th-century French
furniture has the Imperial N on it.

Napoleon has supposedly slept in,
sat on and eaten off

half the furniture in France.

I think we should have a chat
with Monsieur Brogni.

Brogni? Are you kidding? He's mad!

Well, he knows a damn sight more
about Napoleon than you do, Lovejoy.

Er... Mr. Norman,
the geezer it belongs to,

reckons that his great-grandfather
was a regimental carpenter

on the island of Saint Helena.

It's where Napoleon died.
It's in the Atlantic.

That was in history
and geography, eh, Eric?

After Napoleon died,
Mr. Norman's great-grandfather

was given his commode
and he brought it back to England.

Been in the family ever since,
according to him.

Bernard, I could have made that up.

Anyway, it has no thunder bowl,

which knocks the value flat.

But if you're so keen, Eric,
offer him 25 quid.

- Me?
- 25 qui... You're joking!

- I want at least a ton out of it.
- A ton?

I tell you what,
I'll meet you halfway.

Cash?

Nice doing business
with you, Bernard.

Excuse him, Bernard.

To rack up the value,
we need a potty. Any ideas?

It'd have to be custom-made.

It could have been Angela,

if it hadn't been
for her conditional discharge!

I'll try and tempt her
but I'll need a float.

So do we.
We're going to a house clearance.

- What's this?
- Hm?

Oh, this is my semi-new,
semi-automatic truck.

- You mean you paid for this?
- Yeah.

(Laughs) Well, as long as
you didn't pay more than 100,

you'll be all right, I suppose.

I did. That's why I need a float.

If I get a move on,
I'll be in time to sign on at the dole.

Thank you.

(Tinker) "It's old but is it an antique?"
We ask ourselves.

(Laughter)

When you've done that, we'll write
your husband's name on the front.

- Angela!
- Furniture's in room eight, Lovejoy!

Oh, look. Royal Worcester sauce boat.

I bet the V&A can't wait
to get their hands on that, hey?

An owl. Symbol of ignorance.

And wisdom.
This is a pit stop, I take it?

- You haven't come to enrol.
- No, it's not a pit stop.

Excuse me, excuse me.

It's more of a... full service.
You'll see what I mean.

Et voila!
N for Napoleon but, alas, no potty.

Story of your life, Lovejoy.

What do you want?
White Stone stamp, Wedgwood?

The whole to be
suitably distressed, of course.

Might I suggest a little
spider-web crazing to the interior?

Anyone overhearing you
would swear you were a professional.

- Amateur.
- Angela...

I don't indulge any more. When somebody asks
you to copy something, then flogs it as genuine,

then tries to land you in it when they get
collared, that is not my idea of trust.

(Whispers) I did warn you
about Mr. Petrosi. No scruples at all.

Look, I nearly lost my job,
let alone the best part of 400 quid.

Oh, Angie...

You could be looking
at partial salvation.

25 for starters...

a very large drink when it's sold
and silence to the grave.

- It might take me ages.
- I've got all night.

- You haven't got a spare room, have you?
- Yes, I have.

But it's got
two of my spare kids in it.

Where are you living
these days, Lovejoy?

Oh, here and there.

Well, the Felshams are still around
for a few days, otherwise...

- I'm afraid...
- Janey, it's best this way. Thanks.

(Tuts) This is a disaster, Lovejoy!
This is all your stuff!

You can't let this happen to you
without putting up a fight.

I haven't got much choice, have I?

Look, why don't I buy
the best pieces back for you?

I should be doing that for you

but, you know, Janey...
I just don't care about any of it.

What I care about is the fact
that we may all go our separate ways

and drift apart and I couldn't bear that.

(♪ Ragtime piano)

All right, Lovejoy. Just tell me
where to put my 50p in, will you?

Janey, you underestimate me.

♪ The shadow of your smile

♪ When you are gone

♪ Will color all my dreams

♪ And light the dawn ♪

Lovejoy... Lovejoy, I never knew.

(As Bogard) "Stick around, kid.
You learn something new every day."

"Play it again, Sam."

I don't know that one.

It's incredible. It's perfect.
How did you knock it out so quick?

I didn't.
A Mrs. Anderson made it last year.

It started off life as a fruit bowl
but somehow wandered off course.

She was too embarrassed
to take it home.

We keep the loo brush in it
in the ladies'.

I tried to see
if it would fit and it did.

Did you pick out the cracks with cold tea?

That's something known only to me
and the head of chemistry at the poly.

It's nice to know your brush with the law
has not diminished your talent.

Let's get one thing straight.
It's not mine. I didn't make it.

Lovejoy, you do understand that?

You promised me silence to the grave.
Your very words.

Do not be so melodramatic, Angela.

(French accent)
They would have to kill me first.

Yeah, you said that last time.

Monsieur Brogni. Ah, bonjour.

Je m'appelle Jane Felsham,
Lovejoy Antiques.

(Man) Vous etes anglaise?

- Yes, I am English.
- We speak in English.

Comme vous voulez.

I understand that you're an expert
on Napoleon artefacts.

No, madaml I'm not merely an expertl

I am the world's greatest expert
on Napoleon Bonaparte.

What is it you wish to ask?
First, let me tell you one thing.

If your question is long,
I would prefer you to write to me

because, naturally, I have a tariff.

I cannot give opinions
free over the phone.

It is my metier, my job.
Do you understand what I mean?

What a mercenary!

He wants paying
to answer long questions! (Tuts)

Monsieur Brogni,
all we wanted to know was

if you still purchased articles

which had previously belonged
to Napoleon Bonaparte.

Purchase?

Of course, I purchase.

I have the finest collection of
genuine artefacts in the whole world.

- What is it you wish to sell me?
- A commode.

A commode? Only a commode?

I have an apartment full of commode.

J'en ai jusqu'a la, les commodes!

You know it was the English
who murdered Napoleon Bonaparte.

Do you know that?

They gave him arsenic
in little doses until he died.

It is your ancestors, madam,
that are responsible for it.

It was the crime of the centuryl

Now he's accusing the English
of murdering Napoleon with arsenic.

You're right, Lovejoy.
The man's completely unstable.

I think we should put it up
for auction.

Janey, excuse me.

- Monsieur Brogni, listen, we want...
- Who am I speaking to?

This is Lovejoy.

We want to know if you're interested

in looking at this piece from Saint Helena
with a view to purchase it.

Saint Helene? You have a piece
that witnessed that despicable crime?

Yes, well, of course, I'm interested,
if the piece is genuine.

I'm coming to England in a couple of days.
Please give me your number.

(Jane) 044937265.

There is, of course,
the small matter of a fee

of 500 francs for the consultation
but I may waive it,

if the commode is genuine
and I purchased it.

I'll call you as soon as I get there.
Au revoir, monsieur.

He's off his chomp!

That's what you get for eating
over 200 kinds of cheese!

(Giggling)

Your friend, whoever she is,

has certainly done
a remarkable job, Lovejoy.

Mmm.

I'm sure it would convince most people
but I don't know about Brogni.

What do you mean
you don't know about Brogni?

Especially with this
"Made in Taiwan" label on the bottom.

What do you mean?

(Screams)

Cor! What a pong!

That's terrible!

You'll stink
the whole place out with that.

That's as maybe, Eric,
but this is your London cement.

Boil a piece of Gloucester cheese
three times in water,

then take what's left
and mix with quicklime.

I'm not sure they perfected

the epoxy resin formula
in the 18th century, Eric.

Now, then, who hasn't got the shakes?

I've done it before. You do it.

Look, I don't know why
we're bothering with all this.

Eric, if this potty
had been bust in Saint Helena,

where were you?

Eh?

You were 5,000 miles away
from the nearest shop.

In those days,
pottery was so valuable

that you had no choice
but to stick it back together again

and this is exactly how
they would have done it.

Now, then, hold them together.

- And don't move.
- Right.

If I was being really authentic,
I should have used old Camembert.

I think British Gloucester's
authentic enough, don't you?

I think you're right, Tink.
Authenticity cost me last time round.

- Fancy some wine with that cheese?
- Mmm.

Hang on a minute. How long
am I supposed to stand here like this?

- Couple of hours.
- More or less.

I think I've got a nice Beaujolais
kicking around, actually.

"Dr. Antommarchi gave Bonaparte
an emetic which made him sick.

"It is reported that Bonaparte
rolled on the ground in great pain

"and was helped to his feet
by his servant Saint Denis."

(Russian accent) Lovejoy,
I would dearly love to help you out

but I'm far too busy.

I'm up to here with work.
Never had so much in my life.

He's arriving in a couple of days.
It's really urgent.

So are all these. Dozens of them.

Now, ever since
Soviet Union disintegrated,

every white Russian in Great Britain
wants to claim back his property

but they don't have any deeds,
no proof of ownership, nothing.

So look what I have to do. Here.

Granddaughter of countess thinks she
owns the hermitage in St. Petersburg.

Lorry driver from Inverness
thinks half of Odessa belongs to him.

And this... (Giggles)

This is a claim
for almost all of the Ukraine.

I'm rather proud of this.
What do you think?

You should be.

These people may be wired
to the moon, Lovejoy,

but their money is terrestrial.

Well, here's my little claim.

You don't have to invent anything.
I've written it all down.

All I need is a sheet of
your best 19th-century ledger paper

and your finest copperplate writing.

Hmm, and since you came here by bus,

I suppose you want it all on account, eh?

- Until the dust settles.
- (Laughs)

So, so, what have we here?

"Jamestown, Saint Helena.

"Regimental report
of the 66th foot..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Napoleon Bonaparte?!

- Yep.
- Are you crazy?!

Every second of the man's life
is recorded ten times over.

It's the 1990s, Lovejoy.
How can you discover something new?

Believe me, Popov,

the gazunder that I've discovered
is very new.

Perfect. Absolutely exquisite.
Better than the real thing.

But it took us all weekend

cos you have to cement each piece
individually, one by one, by hand.

Well, you do, don't you(?)

It was oversized so we had to shave
a bit of the inside of the hole.

- Cos these...
- Eric!

Leave it alone.

(Eric sniggers)

Where on earth have you been?
He's been here for over an hour.

Are you all right, Lovejoy?

I just carried it
all the way up the drive.

I didn't think it'd look too good
arriving in a pickup van.

- He's just started on the soft soap.
- Right.

Hello, Lovejoy. More animals I see?

(Laughs) Hello, Peter!

Ohh...

(Inhales)

Mr. Brogni,
I'd like you to meet Lovejoy.

Lovejoy, Mr. Brogni.

Your reputation goes before you, monsieur.
This is a great honor.

Enchanté.

Well, there it is. The commode.

Huh? The-the-the commode?

No. Non, non, non.

A commode is a... Oh, comment dire?

Is a... chest of drawers, you know?

Si j'avais su...

I would not have come
such a long way. Perde de temps!

Monsieur, did not Lady Felsham explain?

Lady Felsham? You are Lady Felsham?

Oh, please forgive me.
I did not realize.

Forgive me, your ladyship,

and accept my most profound apologies
for addressing you only as madam.

Please, Mr. Brogni,
no need to apologise.

It happens all the time.

You might as well look at it, huh?

(Laughs nervously) Certainly.

Ah... (Laughs)

Hmm... Yes...

This was probably added
at a later date

because the English did not allow

Imperial signs or Ns or eagles
on Saint Helene.

To them, he was not an emperor,
only a general.

I think... Well, in fact,
I'm almost certain that this is a fake.

What I still don't understand, Tink,

is why he let all our stock go
like it was Freddy the Phone's.

I mean, he didn't say anything.

Not, "It's mine" or "It belongs to me
and my partners." Nothing.

I mean, I can't believe
that he just rolled over so easily.

It's not like Lovejoy.

There comes a time
in the tides of men, Eric,

when it's no longer considered
prudent to allow an outsider,

especially an official outsider,

to rummage through
your affairs and your life.

Why? In case they find
something smelly you mean?

In case you ruffle their feathers,
or, in this case scales,

and they see fit
to put you to the torture.

Very few individuals
can resist a pit-bull tax inspector

when he's got his teeth
firmly embedded in your bottom.

It'd make a good tool case this,
you know.

- (Splutters)
- (Laughs)

Ah, look, even the bowl is broken.
Look at that.

(Hums)

Hmm...

Oh, well, to be honest, Lady Felsham,

unless it has
a solid-gold provenance,

I don't think it has any connection
with the emperor

and, therefore, it is of little value.

Monsieur, doesn't it look
as if it was made by George Bullock?

Oh, yes, yes. I will accept that.
It could be Bullock's.

But somebody could have copied it.

Monsieur, and isn't it also true
that commodes or night stools

were sent out to Bonaparte
on Saint Helena?

Yes, that is true.

They are recorded on the inventory
as going out there

but there is no record of them
ever coming back.

This one did. I had to collect this
at the bank which is why I was late.

I would call this a 24-carat provenance,
Monsieur Brogni.

May I see it, please?

Ah, one moment, monsieur.

As you are the world's leading,
living expert on Napoleon,

I would like your verification
on what is written down here.

If I can.

Right, "This is a regimental report
from the 66th foot

"in Jamestown, Saint Helena,
dated 23rd April, 1821."

A garrison regiment on Saint Helene?

"At Longwood House on 22nd March,

"Dr. Antommarchi gave Bonaparte
an emetic which made him sick."

Ah, yes. C'est vrai.

Antommarchi gave him an emetic
and he vomited a lot, yes. Oui, oui.

"It is reported that Bonaparte
rolled on the ground in great pain."

Absolument! C'est vrai.

"And he was helped to his feet
by his servant Saint Denis."

Le fidèle Saint Denis. Oui!

"Bonaparte had been suffering lately

"from lack of friction
to the bowels..."

Pardon.
What was that? I don't understand.

What does that mean?

- Lack of friction to the bowels?
- Il avait la diarrhée.

Je ne savais pas. I did not know.

"His commode was at hand.

"He threw the chamber pot
at Antommarchi,

"breaking it into many pieces."

- Is that true?
- It's what's written down here.

"Following the commotion, Captain Crokat,
the orderly officer..."

Crokat, the orderly officer. Oui.

"...he was called.

"He gave the chamber pot
to the garrison's carpenter, Corporal Norman,

"and commanded him
to repair the same.

"General Bonaparte died
before Norman had finished his repair

"and so he is allowed to keep it.

I don't know what to say.
This is all new information.

So this pot was broken
by Napoleon himself?

It would appear that way.

But... why was that never mentioned

by Antommarchi or Saint Denis
in the memoirs?

Why didn't they say anything?

Would you say anything if
someone threw a chamber pot at you?

I will write a book. Yes.
Moi, le grand Brogni.

I will tell the whole world
how you discovered the chaise

and put the emperor back
on center stage where he belongs.

Those were the spin-offs, Brogni.
I thought the idea was you buy it.

Buy it? How could I possibly buy it?

- How much is it worth?
- 10,000, 20,000.

I know of a foundation in the United States
that would be interested

or a Japanese collector
I know personally.

I could arrange this for you
for a percentage, of course.

- Monsieur, would you excuse us?
- Please.

I think you've rather overegged
the pudding somewhat, Lovejoy.

Probably.

You can't sell it to him at a price he can afford
or he'll suspect something,

apart from the fact
you'd be committing fraud.

I shouldn't try to sell it to him.
How much money have you got in the house?

- What?
- How much money have you got in the house?

I have exactly £250 to pay
the petrol account at the garage.

- Good. Get it.
- What? Why?

Look on it as a loan.
Look on it as an investment.

Just get it.

(Sighs)

Monsieur Brogni, as you are
the world's leading expert on Napoleon,

I would like you
to give me written authentication

of the commode and the provenance.

Bien sur.

But there will, of course,
be the matter of a small fee.

- How much?
- £1,000.

Brogni, you'll be dining out for years

on the story of Napoleon throwing
his chamber pot at Antommarchi,

not to mention the lecture circuit,
the articles and the interviews.

You should be paying me!

Monsieur Lovejoy,
pas de paiement, pas de papier.

- No payment, no paper.
- £100.

- (Laughs)
- £150.

- Oh, s'il vous plait!
- £200.

- Alors! Alors!
- £250 cash. Last offer.

Well, I can't give you
very much for £250.

At least I'll get something.

Chaise percée document... Brogni.

Voila!

Your ladyship, will you do me the great honor
of having lunch with me?

Oh, how kind!
That would be lovely. Thank you.

Je connais un très bon restaurant
with an excellent wine list.

Parfait! Au revoir, Lovejoy. Enchanté.

I see what he meant
about not getting much.

(Horn blasts)

He-hey!

(Tinker laughs)

(Lovejoy) So? What took you so long?

How did you end up in there, then?

Get overexcited
about selling the commode?

For your information,
I was forced in here by a road hog

and, no, I did not sell the commode.

I don't believe it!

I thought you said no punter
would schlep all the way from Paris

if he wasn't gonna buy.

Yeah, that's why you didn't want us
at Lady Jane's.

"I don't want you bums frightening him off,"
were your exact words.

(Eric laughs)

Well, he couldn't afford it but
he did authenticate it for 200 quid.

You mean you paid £200
for a business card

with ten words of French
written on it?

Those ten French words have
just jacked the price up to 15 grand.

I phoned you to get me out of here,
not question my business acumen.

Question your sanity more like!

Well, we're gonna need a car
to tow you out of here.

Eric... what do you think
you've got there?

Well, it's a tow rope,
innit, Lovejoy?

I got it from
that house-clearance sale.

It came in that black bag

with some needle-nose pliers,
metal shackles.

It'll make a good tool bag,
that will.

They used to use it when
they still had capital punishment.

- Hey?
- Got it from old man Munrey's?

- Yeah.
- Hangman's noose, Eric.

Argh!

He was an assistant hangman
after the war.

Hung scores of war criminals.

You try and sell this lot,

you'll have every S&M freak
in England at your doorstep.

- Get rid of it!
- How was I supposed to know?

And I don't need a pull.
I need a push.

Oh, God!

Why do we always end up
doing all the shoving and pushing?

I can't push, Lovejoy.
I've done the old back in.

Well, all right,
I'll push, you drive.

- Right, Eric?
- Right, Lovejoy.

Right, Tink?

Oh, Lovejoy,
I'm not allowed to drive.

What?

Temporary
judicial withdrawal of licence.

(Shouts) You're in a field!
You don't have to drive! Just steer!

Now steer!

(Phone rings)

Hello.

(Cockney accent)
Can I speak to Lovejoy, please?

He's not here. Who's calling?

Mr. Freddy Reeve.

Would you by any chance be
the famous Freddy the Phone

I've been hearing
so much about lately?

You're spot-on there, darlin'.

Do you know where he is?
Where I can find him?

Are you Mum, by the way?

No. I'm not Mum!

You'll probably find him propping up
the bar in the Black Horse.

Oh, and, Mr. Reeve, if you see him,

would you ask him
to come and collect his commode?

Yes, Sir Roy.

Yes, I'll put one
in the post today, Sir Roy.

Thank you, Sir Roy.
Three bags full, Sir Roy!

(Rings)

Lovejoy Antiques.

- Hello, Lovejoyl
- Freddy.

You wanna get yourself
one of my new portables,

instead of lugging
all that shrapnel around with you.

You'll give yourself a hernia.

Where are you?

Fancy a drink?

You... skunk!

(Banging and glass smashing)

(Man) Oi, you!

I'm surprised that you
have the guts - excuse me -

to show your face around here.

Now you're well
out of order there, Lovejoy.

You knew the terms of the lease
when you moved in there.

There's no call for a slagging-off.

Slagging-off? I should kick your bum
all the way back to Benidorm.

They took the lot. My motor
and every piece of stock I owned.

Took the lot? What did I
just hear with my own ears

but you discussing a 20K deal.

You'll be telling me next
that you get your gear from Oxfam!

You knew what was going down.
I sent you every piece of mail.

The only consolation
is they took your gaff as well.

Yeah... well, don't get het up, all right?

I mean, we'll bounce back.

We're life's natural survivors,
you and me.

Now, do you want a drink?

- Tonic.
- Anything in it?

A pint of gin.

Here, love, a pint of bitter
and a pint of gin, please.

What are you doing back here, anyway?

I'm surprised
they let you in the country.

I come back to pick up a few things,
like a couple of thousand car rigs.

By the way, old Bill ain't
been poking his nose in, has he?

Not than I know of.

- And you'd know, right?
- Taxmen have.

Taxmen?
Oh, they don't scare me no more.

A bunch of autoeroticists.

That's all over for me, Lovejoy.

I'll tell you why
I left this country, right.

It's cos of people like that,
dancing round with bells on their trousers.

Dear! What I say is viva Espana!

You are now looking
at Freddy el Teléfono.

Half the faces
between Marbella and Madrid

are talking to each other
simply because of me.

- Is that a fact?
- That is a fact.

I've got offices
in five Spanish cities

and I'm also thinking
of getting a part share

in a communications satellite,
if I can book space on the rocket!

I tell you, you should have stayed
in Spain, Lovejoy.

By the way, who's the bird
what answered the phone?

- Sounds like a right toff!
- She is.

Real class. You've heard me
speak of her. Lady Jane Felsham.

My old man ran a dog
called Lady Jane.

Won a right wad on her, he did!

Anyway, she says, "Can you come
and shift your commode?"

What's the problem, then, eh?

Plumbing gone, has it?
A bit of trouble with the old washer?

(Giggles) The commode
happens to be an antique, Freddy.

The only thing I have to punt out
after the mess you left me in.

It also happens
to be worth the 20 grand

you heard me talking about
on the phone.

20 grand for a khazi?!

Who does it belong to? The queen?

(Laughs)

Napoleon Bonaparte, actually.

Napoleon Bonaparte?

And some geezer's prepared
to lay out 20K

just cos Napoleon owned it?

That's gotta be flaky.
Flaky or very, very weird.

Well, Freddy, I would
forget about it, if I was you.

It's not gold, it's not ivory
and it's not even bronze.

It's something that only the serious
and discerning collector would want.

- You are never gonna own it.
- Yeah, you can say that again.

I'll tell you what, though,

I wouldn't mind seeing

what a 20-grand French bog
actually looks like.

Here, look at that! Blimey!
No wonder they called him Blown-apart!

My nan has something similar.

Terrible affliction it was.

So how do you know
that it belonged to him, then?

- I have its provenance.
- Eh?

A document proving its authenticity.

You made that up, didn't ya?

I'm sure Mr. Reeve isn't interested
in any of this, are you?

Well, I am, as it happens,
your ladyship, yes,

because I came top in history
at Basildon Comprehensive.

Oh, the British Museum called.
They want you to call them back.

Also, the Getty Foundation
in San Francisco.

How about the Louvre
cos they're always hot off the block, aren't they?

Did the Prado call back?

Oh, the Prado, yes.

A Dr. Sanchez
called a couple of times.

Cor, the British Museum, San Francisco.

I bet you wish you had
a whole van load of these, don't you?

But, tell me, why are the Spanish
interested in Napoleon's old loo?

His participation in the Peninsular War
may be a key factor.

Oh, yeah?

Knowing them, their participation
in making a few quid's more like it!

Well, listen, Frederick Arthur Haig
Montgomery Wavell Reeve,

for somebody
with half the British generals

in World War II in their name,

I'm surprised you don't know
more about Napoleon.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do, right?

Seen as I did, in a way,
drop you in it,

and to give you your due,
you did look after my place

as if it was... well, your own place,

I'll buy it off you
but for nothing like 20 grand.

That's very kind of you to offer, Freddy,

but, you know, these things
do belong in museums

and they cost a fortune to insure.

- What would you do with it?
- I could sell it myself, couldn't I?

I could have a right laugh with this
down the old golf club.

Get a couple of pints
of sangria in there.

"There you go, Tarby.
Here, cop for that, Brucie!"

"Nah, nah, don't worry, Shawn.
It's only fruit floating in there!"

(Laughs)

Look, you know it ain't real
and I know it ain't real.

So why not do yourself a favor, eh?

Depends how much you had in mind.

Ten. Or maybe you're right.
Maybe it should be in a museum.

- Cash money?
- Cash money.

Won't be a minute, Lovejoy.

(Shop bell)

Nice bloke, that Mr. Kumar.

Very enterprising. Just tried to flog
me a clock, would you believe?

(Laughs)

- Know him, do ya?
- Yeah, slightly.

Yeah, now that
you ain't got a gaff no more,

you wanna think about
getting yourself one of these places.

Oh, it's the wrong one.
I haven't been here for a year.

Yeah, tucked away.
No one knows you're here.

Emergency rations, Lovejoy.

- Ever heard of mice?
- No.

But I have heard of Myson.

There you go.

And I'll throw that whole pot
in for nothing. How's that?

- Scottish money?
- Yeah, yeah. Keep your hair on.

What happened was I did this cash job
up in Glasgow, right,

just before I emigrated,

and, like an idiot, I let all these
geezers dump this jock stuff on me.

Ten grand here, right?

As Sean Connery is my witness.

Now mind your head. Come on. Get out.

Right, where's this document thing?

Here, this looks really old.
Are you sure it ain't genuine?

The paper's genuine.

If you do think of selling it,
this fella might be interested.

- He's serious.
- Brogni.

- Brogni.
- I'll give him a bell.

And if you know of anybody
who wants 5,000 telephones,

let me know.

There'll be a drink in it for ya.

(Phone rings)

Aren't you gonna answer it?

Nah. It's probably a wrong number.

(Engine revs)

See ya, Lovejoy. Let me know
your new business address.

Adios, Lovejoy. Adios.

Lovejoy said to bring you this.

Oh, good old Lovejoy!

Cheers, Lovejoy!

(Laughter)

- Allow me.
- Thank you.

Hang on.

(Lovejoy) "Dear all,

"I bet you've never tasted
cock-a-leekie like this before..."

Ha! Brilliant!

Good old Lovejoy! Look at this, Tink.

(Lovejoy) "I've paid Angela and Popov
and taken my cut.

"The rest is for you lot."

Hang on a minute. Is this real money?

(Lovejoy) "And, yes, Eric, it is real money.

'Janey has some losses to cover

"but I'm sure you'll sort it out between you.

"We're all square now.
See you around.

"Enjoy the champagne."

One for you. One for you.

One for me. One for Love...

(Sighs)