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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,724 Whose fucking phone is on? 2 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,060 We're going to just touch you up. 3 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,889 - Okay, Mr. Dorchen? - Hey. 4 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,140 Do I need nipple rouge? 5 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,580 Can we get... I don't... 6 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,489 Do I need any nipple rouge? 7 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,967 Yeah. Touch up his nipples, please. 8 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,122 What kind of brush is that? Is that rabbit fur? 9 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,220 Lou Dorchen, the legendary lead singer 10 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,243 of metal supergroup Motley Lue, 11 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,920 who burst onto the world stage out of nowhere 12 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,500 to become the very definition of a rock god. 13 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,763 Livin' the dream with high school sweetheart Kelly Dorchen. 14 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,770 So how did the ultimate party animal get the inspiration 15 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,100 to build the most innovative, forward-thinking 16 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,940 tech company in the world? 17 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:18,140 I don't have to tell you where I got my inspiration from, first of all. 18 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,860 Because that's called "intellectual property" 19 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,450 and I can copyright that shit. 20 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,300 Just like I copyrighted the word "well," 21 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,687 so you can't even say "well" without paying me money. 22 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,460 - Well... - You owe me money. 23 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,620 Lou Dorchen's best friend is yet another 24 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,340 American success story, music mogul Nick Webber. 25 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,091 Ever since I wrote Let's Get It Started back in '86, 26 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,247 I've been on a roll. 27 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,660 MMMBop, triple platinum. 28 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,500 A lot of stations still playin' Gin and Juicey Juice. 29 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,649 You Oughta Know. Feelin' Like Teen Spirit. 30 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,564 I guess you could say I take from a lot of artists. 31 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,651 Take my inspiration from a lot of artists. 32 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,801 I don't... 33 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,884 I don't take their stuff. 34 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,168 That's... Who would do that? 35 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,860 - Yeah. Ask me anything. - Okay. 36 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,100 How's your relationship with your father? 37 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,565 I don't want to talk about that. 38 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,409 Still struggling to find his own place in the world, 39 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:11,570 Jacob Dorchen comments on his father's game-changing innovation. 40 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,049 He didn't invent Goo... Lougle. 41 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,860 He couldn't invent his way out of a fucking paper bag. 42 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,460 And that's... That's not a turn of phrase, 43 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,220 that's anecdotal evidence. 44 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,971 He got caught in a giant paper bag a couple weeks ago. 45 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,407 Adam... Adam Yates. Yes, he rounds out 46 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,460 our Three Musketeerposse. 47 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,460 He made it real big with his bestselling novel, 48 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,210 Jacuzzi Timelord. 49 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,525 But Adam, he's off on an experiential journey. 50 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,843 I got a feeling we'll see him again. 51 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,246 I got a feeling. 52 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,726 Just came to me. 53 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,700 One fateful ski trip in 1986 54 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,140 seemed to kick-start their lives into high gear. 55 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,500 But what was it like to grow up 56 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,340 alongside these future stars? 57 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,620 We turned to high school pal, Gary Winkle. 58 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,081 I bet you guys didn't know that I was supposed to go on that trip, huh? 59 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,540 I stood outside all day, 60 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,644 but they never showed. Left me hanging. 61 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,485 You know what I got that weekend? 62 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,580 Chlamydia from the batting cages. 63 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,140 My best buddies go up the mountain as regular Joes. 64 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,562 Come down fucking rich. I mean, how did that happen? 65 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,380 I mean, at the end of the day, 66 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,340 I'm just a simple guy like you 67 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,522 who had a couple of great ideas 68 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,020 that happen to make him a bunch of money. That's it. 69 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,441 I mean, how was I supposed to know 70 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,860 that it would change the fabric of our existence? I couldn't. 71 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,646 You know, I couldn't, unless I had some sort of... 72 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,571 Cut! Let's reset. Do it again. 73 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,610 One word, Nick. Fucking amazing... 74 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,722 Don't fuck with my groove, Terry. 75 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,220 - Hey, Nick. - Youngblood. 76 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,580 Rip off any pop stars lately? 77 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,380 For your information, today I recorded an original piece. 78 00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,460 Really? 79 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,050 Okay, it was that Lisa Loeb song. 80 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,764 Well, as much of it as I could remember. 81 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,405 The lyrics I made up were original. 82 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,540 Listen, Nick, I get it. You don't have any natural talent. 83 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,460 All I know is that hot tub made me a king. 84 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,300 It's my duty to live up to the throne. 85 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,580 All right, I can't see you right now, 86 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,365 but I'm gonna assume you're putting "king" and "throne" in quotes. 87 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,300 What do you want? 88 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,020 Hey, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a dick. 89 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,167 Are you coming to Lou's party? 90 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,649 I gotta talk to Courtney. I'm... I don't know. 91 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,364 - How is Courtney? - You know. 92 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,220 Oh, really? Still fighting? 93 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,084 Why don't you just write her a Josh Groban song? 94 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,447 Hello? 95 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,762 Oh, shit! 96 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,849 Cocaine! 97 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,485 Fuck me! 98 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,443 Oh, God! Oh, my God! 99 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,980 Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, huh? 100 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,340 Knock on something. 101 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,740 You took most of the doors out and put beads up, Lou. 102 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,300 What am I supposed to fucking knock on? 103 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,740 What do you want? 104 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,241 Put it down! What do you want, a round of applause? 105 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,860 "Thank you, Jacob, for making sure we don't starve to death. 106 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,380 "Even though this is completely ridiculous 107 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,780 "and inappropriate, what we're doing." You're welcome, Mom and Dad. 108 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,723 I'm just happy that you guys are happy. 109 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,844 The fuck are you still doing here? 110 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,810 Today's my birthday, by the way. 111 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,566 Happy Birthday! 112 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,407 - Oh, thanks, Mom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! 113 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:21,249 I got you... I got you something. It'll be here tomorrow via FedEx. 114 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:22,580 Right. 115 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,980 Daddy's little buddy is turning into Daddy's big buddy. 116 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,260 I'm going to help you out. It's not really my birthday. 117 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:28,600 Do you know what day it is? 118 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,260 Okay. 119 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,420 Enjoy your shit. 120 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,380 The sooner you choke to death on it, the sooner I get all this. 121 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,881 Any other questions, or is this interview over? 122 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,963 Don't let the lack of a door hit you on the way out. 123 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,300 He just gets me so mad. 124 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,561 So, who is he? 125 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,140 That's my butler. 126 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,890 And our son, consequently. 127 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,365 Oh, my God, right. 128 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,051 Lisa Loeb? 129 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,460 Oh, my God. I can't believe Nick Webber knows 130 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,846 the name of the cat wrangler. 131 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,605 Yeah. Crazy, right? 132 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,571 You know, I just have to tell you, I really love this song so much. 133 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,523 It feels so personal. 134 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,922 It's almost... Violating. 135 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,204 I'm so sorry. 136 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,180 Yeah! 137 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,441 Nailed it! 138 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,445 All rise! 139 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,921 Penis Court is now in session! 140 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,484 The honorable Judge Lou Dorchen presiding. 141 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,643 Mr. Dorchen, could we get this board meeting started? 142 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,803 Yeah. Brad, do your thing. 143 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,687 Ladies and gentlemen, Lougle is at a crossroads. 144 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,442 We did it, guys! We got to the crossroads! 145 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,604 Our competitors, Lycos and GeoCities, are crushing us. 146 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,700 Those guys are fucking nerds, Brad. 147 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,500 What about Yahoo, huh? Where are they? 148 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,931 Yahoo? What's Yahoo? 149 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,260 Exactly. 150 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,460 As your head of R&D, I have to tell you 151 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,688 that Lougle cannot continue down this path. 152 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,940 Well, that's why I moved us to New Orleans, Brad, 153 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,327 the Silicon Valley of the South. 154 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,683 Shit! Shit! Susan, look, turn around. 155 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,420 Turn around, right now! Susan, quick, quick, quick! 156 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:25,681 I'm not going to look, Lou. 157 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,740 Susan, I promise it's not a dick and balls this time. 158 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,330 I swear to God. Look, look, look! 159 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,002 Dick and balls! You looked at a dick and balls! 160 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,360 I burned you. 161 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,251 I can't believe I let you talk me into joining this sinking ship. 162 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,886 I was one of Engineering Quarterly's "30 Under 30." 163 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,300 Really? 164 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,100 I was on track to be "20 Under 40," 165 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,362 but now I'm "Zero Under Fuck Me"! 166 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:48,886 You fucked me, Lou. 167 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,580 You fucked my whole life. 168 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:53,729 My brother works at the NSA and I work for a madman. 169 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,171 Mad Man is a great show. 170 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,044 Sometimes I wish I could just... 171 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:03,201 Okay, okay. Looks like you're hungry for an idea. 172 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,370 So why doesn't Uncle Lou give you guys a little taste, huh? 173 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,900 If you combine the right amounts of nitrotrinadium 174 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,020 with specifically heated water in a specialized basin, 175 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,647 you get the elements necessary for time travel! 176 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,928 Boom! Shotgun to the dick! 177 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,140 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 178 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,571 Yeah! 179 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,244 Why are all these people here? Are we having another seance? 180 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,660 Yeah. 181 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,560 Every day's a seance, baby. Every day's a seance. 182 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,820 I fucking hate you so much, Lou. 183 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,763 I fucking hate you, too, baby. 184 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,860 Courtney, it's not a big deal. 185 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,820 Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you, 186 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,780 but she's my only sister, and we never go visit her. 187 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,690 - It's the Grammys. - It's always the Grammys. 188 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,965 It's not always the Grammys. Sometimes it's the Grammys. 189 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,604 Wow. Look at you. 190 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,171 Every fucking year, Lou? 191 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,460 Hey, enough with this dad stuff. Call me Lou. 192 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,164 Why do I have to pretend to be your butler? 193 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,380 You are my butler. 194 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,500 No, Lou, just 'cause my room's near the bar 195 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,020 and I'm good at receiving guests and... 196 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,849 Holy fuck, I'm your butler. 197 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,740 Wait. Hey, Lou, what do you think about, 198 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,810 maybe this summer, you know, I come work with you at Lougle? 199 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,540 Listen, this is what I'll do for you, okay? 200 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,580 If we ever come up with a division where 201 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,620 you sit on the couch and masturbate while playing video games, 202 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:42,860 I'll get you an interview. 203 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,100 You started an interactive porno division. 204 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,180 We have that. Even that retarded Venn diagram 205 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,123 you just mentioned, it exists. 206 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,684 Listen, you are a key part of this operation, Jacob. 207 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:54,980 Really? 208 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,844 You're my chief mixologist! 209 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,164 I love you, buddy. 210 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,300 Hey, Courtney. Your tits look fantastic! 211 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,925 Eat shit, Lou. 212 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,327 She's one of the good ones, man. 213 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,329 Come on. Let's get a drink. 214 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,842 Jeez. The place is like a deathtrap, huh? 215 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,327 Just lousy with statues, and the... 216 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,484 Not a lot of coats, right? Not a lot of coats. 217 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,364 Can I take your jacket? 218 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:43,525 No, no, no. I'm actually kind of "on the job" tonight. 219 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,847 It's my dad's party, he runs Lougle. 220 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,241 What do you do? 221 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,880 You know, I'm just kind of a Jack-of-all-trades. 222 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,809 - So you're the butler. - No! 223 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,769 Come on. Do I look like a butler to you? 224 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,201 You look exactly like a butler. 225 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,660 God damn, it's good to see you, man. 226 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:02,886 You, too, buddy. 227 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,611 Man. That tub, huh? 228 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,820 Really turned it all around. 229 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,888 It's the best thing that ever happened to me. 230 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,564 You ever wish we could go back for one more dip? 231 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,648 You know, tweak some things? 232 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,411 Use time travel for more important reasons. 233 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,644 Too bad the tub is gone. 234 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:23,961 Yeah. 235 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,481 Too bad. 236 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,361 Fuck. 237 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,121 Sorry. 238 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:31,686 What the fuck? Lou... 239 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,500 Nick-nack-paddywhack! Give a dog a what? 240 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,500 Gary Winkle. 241 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,140 Look at this. Look, Lou spilled his drink on me 242 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,322 so I don't have to talk to you. 243 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:42,601 Good looking out. 244 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,540 Okay, just laying it all out there. 245 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,007 Where are me and you right now on a scale of, like, 246 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,363 "dinner and a movie" to "tropical sex vacation"? 247 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,620 We're on the "It's never, ever going to happen" 248 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:53,767 part of the scale. 249 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,769 - So, like a 4. - One and a half. 250 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,563 Minus the half. 251 00:12:58,680 --> 00:12:59,860 What are you selling, Gary? 252 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,724 What? No love for Gary Winkle? 253 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,420 Okay, but it is a sound investment this time. 254 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,521 I'm telling you, man. 255 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,020 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 256 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,690 It is only 12 blocks from the river. 257 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,220 Pristine lot. You can build an office tower, 258 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,780 nightclub, combo, whatever the fuck. 259 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:15,860 I don't care. 260 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,100 Okay, I get it, man, I get it. I get it. I'm a loser. 261 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,540 Okay, I'm always going to be a loser. I'm not like you guys. 262 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,380 I didn't magically turn it all around after that ski trip. 263 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:26,860 All I got is this piece of land, and I know it's a piece of shit, okay? 264 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,820 But it's... It can be our piece of shit. 265 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:30,921 Not interested. Pass. 266 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,243 We are live! 267 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,340 Coming to you from the heart of the Bayou. 268 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,420 At the height of his career, 269 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,366 worth 2.3 billion dollars, 270 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:53,220 introducing Lou "the Violator" 271 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,685 Dorchen! 272 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,180 We've grown quite a bit over the years, haven't we? 273 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,442 Some of us have achieved our dreams. 274 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,206 Others have found new dreams to chase. 275 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,885 You know, I bet... 276 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,340 I bet there's not a person in this room who, 277 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,340 given the chance to do it all over again, 278 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,340 would do it any differently. Am I right? 279 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,441 Am I right? 280 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,446 And if you believe that, 281 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,060 if you truly believe that in your heart of hearts, 282 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,400 well, then, 283 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,730 you're all a bunch of fucking morons! 284 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,046 Genius. 285 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:51,006 Life is about do-overs, okay? 286 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,766 And if you see your second chance 287 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,884 peeking its dick around a corner, snatch it! 288 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,322 Grab it! Take my advice. 289 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,500 Look at the people you love most in this world, 290 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,046 then you tell them to go fuck themselves. 291 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,242 Because life is about number one. 292 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,489 Numero Lou-no! 293 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,220 So come on, it's a party, right? 294 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,120 Let's all get nude and fuck! 295 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,320 Move! 296 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,205 About time someone manned up and shot the bastard. 297 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,140 - Holy shit, he's been shot. - In the dick! 298 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,300 Shit! It's bad! Somebody call an ambulance! 299 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,460 - Nick. - Yeah, buddy. 300 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,980 - You got your hand on my penis! - I'm applying direct pressure! 301 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,500 - You don't have to touch it that hard. - My hand is acting as a tourniquet! 302 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,500 You work his dick. Whatever. No, no! Lou, Lou! Stay with me! 303 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,161 Stay with me. Look at me. Look at me. Who shot you? 304 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,971 Chux... Zedo. 305 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,282 Chuck Zito? That motherfucker! 306 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,364 - I think he's saying "tuxedo". - Tuxedo? 307 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,641 God, it hurts so bad. 308 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,926 Who the fuck's wearing a tuxedo? 309 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,685 What? What? 310 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,700 Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo, 311 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,220 this is a morning suit. It's way more casual. 312 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,321 Don't you watch Downton Abbey? 313 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,366 I was standing right there beside you! I didn't fuckin' shoot him! 314 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,380 I want my dick back! 315 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,891 Lou's gonna fuckin' die! He's out of time! 316 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,605 No, he's not. 317 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,321 We'll give him more time. 318 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,084 - What? - Grab his arms. 319 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,689 Oh, God, I take it back! I take it back! 320 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,521 I don't want a shotgun to the dick! It hurts so much! 321 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,002 Oh, God! Oh, God! 322 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,402 - What the fuck are you doing? - Hang on. Trust me. 323 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,161 Whoa. 324 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,364 Holy shit. 325 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,960 - I know, right? - How? 326 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,361 He stole it. 327 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,364 I stole time! I stole the whole ski lodge! 328 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,540 Check it out. Pure nitrotrinadium. 329 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,940 Lou got it from the Russians. He told them he's gonna build them a bomb. 330 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,041 Classic Lou. 331 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,460 Yeah. They've never seen Back to the Future. 332 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:16,686 All right. Everybody, get in. 333 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,725 A little help here. 334 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,571 Come on, Lou, you got to earn it. 335 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,405 Adam's trench coat? 336 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,922 What the fuck is this? Is Adam here? 337 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,410 Stay with me, Violator. 338 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,980 Where's my hair? It's where my power lies. 339 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,460 Fuck your fucking wig. 340 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,245 We gotta go back in time and stop the killer before he shoots Lou. 341 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,100 No. 342 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,140 It's how it works. 343 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,340 We get blackout drunk, we hallucinate, 344 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,885 we wake up back in time. 345 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,460 Don't mess with a winning formula, huh? 346 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,210 Don't be a fuckin' pussy! 347 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,523 Guys, I feel fucking great! I think it worked. 348 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,720 - Lou's not breathing. - I think he's gone. 349 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,730 Nick, Nick, Nick! Help, help, help! 350 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:17,887 Shit. 351 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,020 - Lou, Lou. - Lou. Lou! 352 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,441 Fuck, fuck, fuck. 353 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:29,847 I guess we were too late. 354 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,122 Life is fucking weird, you know? 355 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,960 I spent so much time hating him. 356 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,780 And now that he's gone, I can't help but feel... 357 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:39,860 Love. 358 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,122 No. Not love. Don't be stupid. 359 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,321 Respect? 360 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,483 No, that's still way too strong a word. 361 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,085 Admiration? 362 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,300 I mean, there's nothing admirable about him. 363 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,300 Well, I mean, he's your dad. Honor, maybe? 364 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,060 Not honor. I mean, that falls kind of with respect and admiration. 365 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,766 Maybe just kind of a... Just a general sense of... 366 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:57,900 Missing, you miss him. 367 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,100 - Yeah, I miss him. - You miss him. Yeah, yeah. 368 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,260 I motherfucking miss him. 369 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,886 What're you doing? You up in heaven? Raping angels? 370 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,081 Good for you, buddy. 371 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,580 - Oh, God. - What the fuck? 372 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:13,900 I saw this on C.S.I. 373 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,891 The bowels evacuate when the body dies. 374 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,367 That smells like hatred. 375 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,931 This is gonna get worse before it gets better. 376 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,401 My dick! My dick! 377 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,362 It worked! Holy shit! Wait, look! 378 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,085 Look, look! 379 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,362 That's a good-looking dick to me! 380 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,927 My dick is back! 381 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,641 How far back did we go? 382 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,005 I don't know. 383 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,083 We put a big dryer in so we don't have to time travel naked. 384 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,765 This is different. 385 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,284 It's like a Scandinavian gay bar. 386 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,780 Looks like a Miami IKEA. 387 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,211 Dude, it looks amazing. 388 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,682 I mean, look how classy it is. It's like a museum. 389 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:19,761 Who... 390 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:20,881 Who is this? 391 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:23,641 I think it's Jacob. 392 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,126 Why am I bald? 393 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,124 What did you do? 394 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,571 I didn't... I didn't do that. 395 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,410 You look like a pedophile dressed you. 396 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,881 You look like a Jewish Jason Statham. 397 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,740 You look like Michael Chiklis fucked Big Daddy Warbucks, 398 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,080 who fucked Lex Luthor. 399 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:38,660 That's what it is. 400 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,740 And who's the little doggie? 401 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,047 What's he do... What's he just doing there like this? 402 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,820 Why aren't you fucking that doggie? 403 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,460 Why would I be fucking the dog? 404 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,846 Power over nature. 405 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,970 Hey, you. 406 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,645 Is that the coat-check girl? 407 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:57,801 Boobs. 408 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,689 Hey, how are you? 409 00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:03,566 I didn't know you had company. 410 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,370 - Yeah... - Hey, Nick. 411 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:06,521 'Sup? 412 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,331 What's he doing here? 413 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,005 This is my house. 414 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:13,771 Think that'll hold you till later? 415 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,525 Yeah, I'm sure. 416 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,729 - Bye, Nick. - Bye. 417 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,331 - See you at the club? - Right. 418 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,042 That coat-check girl is rude. 419 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,406 I like her. 420 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,940 I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, right. 421 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,041 What? 422 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,846 Alternate universe. Like Fringe. 423 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,580 Nerd 424 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,340 You're a fucking nerd 425 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,487 Nerd 426 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,940 You're a fucking nerd 427 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,520 - Nerd - And no one likes you 428 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:44,580 Poindexter 429 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,780 No one likes you 430 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,900 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 431 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,001 Hello? 432 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,925 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 433 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,084 Duck Dynasty? 434 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,567 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 435 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,888 Duck Fucking Dynasty! 436 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,044 Just try "the news." 437 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,380 News selected. Thank you, Mr. Dorchen. 438 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,847 Tune in tomorrow for the challenge round. 439 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,123 Eat a boot? Eat your feelings. Choozy Doozy. 440 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,209 I think I may be Mr. Dorchen. 441 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,780 - What? No. - I think this is my house. 442 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,644 - No way. - I think he's right, Lou. 443 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:15,961 - That's impossible. - You heard it. 444 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,445 It just answered me. 445 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,449 March 26, 2025. 446 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,460 From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.com, 447 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,767 this is The Daily Show with Jessica Williams. 448 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:25,967 2025. 449 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,860 Hey! Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Jessica Williams. 450 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,300 Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence 451 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,643 promoting her Meryl Streep biopic, Streepin' It Real. 452 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,485 Hey, how do they get the people to be on this show? 453 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,940 So, by now you've all seen the NSA satellite footage 454 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,420 of the road rage incident 455 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,763 between two self-driving smart cars in New Detroit. 456 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:52,281 President Neil Patrick Harris has called for greater regulation of the industry, 457 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,660 while congressional Republicans defend every sentient automobile's 458 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,340 constitutional right to shoot a black car 459 00:23:58,440 --> 00:23:59,726 if it's actin' funny. 460 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,060 This show's still got it. 461 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,846 Holy shit. We went 10 years into the future. 462 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,521 Whoa. 463 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,168 I'm distinguished. 464 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,761 I should shave this, right? 465 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,540 Yeah, that's not a good look. 466 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,369 This is so smooth, I don't think I went bald. 467 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,500 I think this is a choice, 468 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,967 like Andre Agassi or Bruce Willis or something. 469 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,420 You don't look anything like either of those two people. 470 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,967 For one, they're fit and handsome and you're neither of those things. 471 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,889 You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell. 472 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,580 Fuck you for making me bald. 473 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,380 You look like an orchestra conductor for stray cats. 474 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,820 You look like you give lectures on public access. 475 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,684 You look like a grown-up Gerber baby. 476 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,620 You look like an egg gave birth to another egg. 477 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,210 You look like Gandalf the Poor. 478 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,460 You look like you advise Lando Calrissian. 479 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,540 That's a good one. 480 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,041 You look like the guy that owns the one house that ruins the whole street. 481 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,940 Have I bombed anything, you think? 482 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,060 You look like you've never made a correct decision. 483 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,241 Ever. 484 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,085 I have definitely given a back-alley blowjob. 485 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,441 I gotta admit I kinda like this. 486 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,523 I want to hit you into the corner pocket. 487 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,420 Now I know why the coat-check girl didn't like me. 488 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,249 I look like fucking shit. 489 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,340 So far so good on this future shit, huh? 490 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,900 Yeah. You know what? 491 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,241 I don't feel like anything bad's going to happen. 492 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,420 Hey, check it out. I found all the gear from the painting. 493 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,601 - Cool, huh? - Whoa. 494 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:29,770 What happened to the bottom of your suit? 495 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,291 That pesky little doggie eat it? 496 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,091 It's called fashion, Lou. 497 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:34,521 You look like... 498 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,780 - Nope, not doing anymore "You look like." - But you look like... 499 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:37,980 I don't give a shit. We did it on the stairs. 500 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,531 We did it in front of the mirror. It'd be tacky to do it a third time. 501 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,484 Anyway, do you guys want some fresh clothes? 502 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,940 I got a whole closet full of stuff. 503 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,100 I love this shirt. My shit is fly. 504 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,202 Weren't you listening to my speech, dude? 505 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,641 Always pack a bag. 506 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,210 Hey, is that... 507 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:55,780 - No. It is not. - How did you get that? 508 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,220 - I didn't get... - I know what it... 509 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,526 I saw what it said. 510 00:25:58,760 --> 00:25:59,940 It doesn't say anything! 511 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,166 Was that the Cincinnati box? 512 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,246 - Don't say that out loud. - It might hear you. 513 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,402 You're really never going to tell me what's inside that box? 514 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,405 Okay, we'll tell you. We'll tell him. 515 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,370 - I'm going to tell him. - Lou. 516 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,220 It's the Declaration of Independence with a map on the back. 517 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,368 - Our family's chosen. - Yep. 518 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,380 That's just the plot of that movie National Treasure. 519 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,481 It's the Ark of the Covenant. 520 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,820 That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're not even tryin'. 521 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,740 I mean, that's not even anything that could be in the box. 522 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,500 Okay, this has gone on long enough. 523 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,660 Okay. 524 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:31,685 It's a ring that turns you invisible and carries with it the power of evil. 525 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,326 I've seen fucking movies, you guys! I've seen movies! 526 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,340 Wait, why are you alive? 527 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,500 What? 528 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,340 Why are you alive? We're in the future. 529 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:41,044 Yeah, you know what? He's right. 530 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,003 'Cause if we went back in time, you'd be alive. 531 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,780 But we went 10 years in the fuckin' future. 532 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,006 You should be dead. 533 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,611 Yeah, what the fuck? 534 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,380 What you should be asking yourselves is, 535 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,100 "When the fuck?" 536 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,123 God damn it! 537 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,580 This fucking guy again! 538 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:55,681 Why do you do that? 539 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,530 He's not going to tell us anything. 540 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,041 Hey, why don't you make like a fuck off and get out of here? 541 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,000 Wait. So all we have to do is go back and Lou's gonna be okay, right? 542 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,126 It's not that simple, really. 543 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,368 The hot tub doesn't take you where you want to go. 544 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,845 It takes you where you need to go. 545 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:11,940 Come on! 546 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,780 There are certain calculations and innovations 547 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,123 and salutations that haven't even come to pass yet. 548 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,050 What the hell does that mean? 549 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,488 What it means is, at the present, your tub here is just a tub. 550 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,171 Wait, are you saying that time travel is not even possible? 551 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,005 Right on, Liz. Give the pretty lady a flower. 552 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:31,491 - Damn it. - Lizzie. 553 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,580 That's bullshit, okay? 554 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,524 We got a whole vault of nitro right here. 555 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,168 Where'd it go? Where did it go? 556 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:41,970 What did you do with my nitro? 557 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,885 How can I take what doesn't exist yet? 558 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,380 It exists in the past. How can it not exist in the future? 559 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,131 The past, the future. All very cute. 560 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,420 But who's to say the past isn't anything more 561 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,841 than the future of this present? 562 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:56,929 So, nitro is from the future? 563 00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,400 Like Terminator. 564 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,940 - Yeah. - Oh, my God. 565 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,088 You think everything is like Terminator. 566 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,804 'Cause everything is like Terminator! 567 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,008 Arnold's hand gets chopped off in the past, 568 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,203 somebody finds it, reverse engineers that shit. Boom! 569 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,620 Terminators running all around this motherfucker. 570 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,006 That's how we got nitro? 571 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,687 I don't know. I never saw Terminator. 572 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,048 Fuck this guy and his riddles! 573 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,564 Thanks for holding him down for me! 574 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:29,700 "Hold him down"? 575 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:31,700 So you can beat to death the mystical time baron 576 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,260 that holds the keys to our very existence? 577 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:34,940 That's your fucking plan here? 578 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,180 Shut up. 579 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:37,740 Tighten your shit up, Lou. We needed him. 580 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,001 Amateur hour. 581 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:41,330 This thing is awesome. 582 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:42,780 I probably invented it. 583 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,803 "Lou Sux 584 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:49,250 "Cox N Dix." Flip it. 585 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:50,881 Okay. 586 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:52,620 Try to stay with me. 587 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,540 This is going to get complicated. 588 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,608 This is time. 589 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,540 And you're dead. 590 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,540 So Lou is killed in our present, 591 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:04,260 which means that here, in the future, he should still be dead. 592 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,500 Well, clearly, he's not fuckin' dead, 593 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,523 'cause he's sittin' here, still bothering me. 594 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,060 So what that tells me is 595 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:13,360 we're in a completely different future on a completely different timeline. 596 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,086 Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc. 597 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:18,420 Okay. 598 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:20,204 Anyway, the Repairman said 599 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:24,803 that the past is actually the future of the present we're in right now. 600 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:29,370 So I think what that means is the killer is from the future. 601 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:33,162 So clearly, someone from 2025 will go back in time and shoot Lou. 602 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:34,771 Like Looper. 603 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:36,081 Wow! 604 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,329 How about a fucking spoiler alert? 605 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,500 "Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?" 606 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,443 "Nah, I got a thing I gotta do." 607 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,364 It's in my queue! That counts. 608 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,369 It's the first Bruce Willis movie we missed. 609 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:47,970 - Is Bruce in that? - Okay. 610 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,820 Plainly, just by virtue of Lou being here alive in 2025 611 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,287 when we know that he died in 2015, 612 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,180 we're here to stop his future murder. 613 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,020 - Which happens in the past. - Exactly. 614 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,100 I get this shit. 615 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:01,940 I'm bored by this shit. 616 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,327 Let's go check out the future strip club situation. 617 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:05,441 High five. 618 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,340 Did you just say "high five" instead of high-fiving? 619 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:08,771 - High five. - High five. 620 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:10,820 That is the laziest thing I've ever heard. 621 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:11,860 High five. 622 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:13,530 You don't have the energy for this? 623 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,220 No, no. You guys, we can't just fuck around. 624 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,540 We got to find your murderer. 625 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,540 Or we don't have to do any of that 626 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:21,529 and we go check out a strip club. 627 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,100 - You flickered. - You're flickering. 628 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:27,780 I flickered... Why am I flickering? 629 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:28,940 By threatening your own existence. 630 00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,690 Have you listened to anything I've been saying? 631 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,490 I have not listened to any of it. 632 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,441 God, okay, fine! Fine. 633 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,565 We'll solve my stupid murder, which hasn't happened yet. 634 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,003 Or we can just go to a strip club. 635 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,727 All right, fine! The fucking murder thing. 636 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:14,611 Nothing's really changed. 637 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:17,047 You'd figure after 10 years, something would be different, right? 638 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,447 That's some sexy-ass future shit right there. 639 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,220 Do you or someone you love have a problem with 640 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,780 - heroin, speed, ice... - Yes. Yeah. 641 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,340 - ...smack, whack, jack... - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 642 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,740 ...Al Michaels' Revenge or cocaine? 643 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:38,887 First order of business, 644 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:40,843 we get ourselves some Al Michaels' Revenge, right? 645 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,646 We can help put the "U" back in "Reuvenate." 646 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,446 We're still demonizing addiction? Like it's some kind of sickness. 647 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,380 I cannot wait for you to hit rock bottom. 648 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:51,005 Yeah! Yeah. 649 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,340 Who in the future would want to kill you, Lou? 650 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,740 I don't know. 651 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,660 The only person who's ever had any motivation 652 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,524 to kill me has been me. 653 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,120 I treat everyone with the utmost respect and kindness. 654 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,322 Lou, you tried to push me down the stairs last week. 655 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:04,851 As a joke! 656 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,289 Oh, my God, it's you. 657 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:10,846 Jacob is the murderer. 658 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,367 I'm not the murderer. Come on. 659 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,060 Really? Because you seem to have stepped right into my life. 660 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,925 You always wanted to be the one fucking that tiger! 661 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,740 Lou, if I was going to fuckin' kill you, I wouldn't use a gun, okay? 662 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,820 I would spike your mid-morning cocktail with a tasteless, but potent sedative. 663 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,340 And, while you slept, I would wait the 9 hours 664 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,820 for it to fully flush out of your system, so there's no trace. 665 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:37,209 And I would take you out into the Gulf and feed you to a tiger shark. 666 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,685 Damn, that's cold. 667 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:40,205 But I wouldn't use a gun. 668 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,780 I'll be making my own mid-morning cocktail from now on, thank you. 669 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,281 Man, I wish Adam was here. He'd know what to do. 670 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,340 You just described my whole entire life. 671 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,681 We need Adam and he's not here. 672 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:55,565 Where the hell is he? 673 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,011 Holy shit. 674 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,140 When we were carrying you after you got shot, 675 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:00,300 I saw his trench coat 676 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,402 beside the hot tub time machine. 677 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,045 Adam murdered me. 678 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:10,300 Okay, so Adam shoots Lou, 679 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,540 and then uses the hot tub to escape somewhere in time 680 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:13,641 Textbook. 681 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:15,740 Only in our fucked-up social circle is that textbook. 682 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,460 Why would Adam wanna shoot you? 683 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,660 I don't know. I've only been the best of friends to him. 684 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,331 - You tried to fuck his wife. - You tried to fuck his wife? 685 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,420 As a joke! Come on, you guys get that. 686 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:27,540 No. 687 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:28,641 You get it. 688 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,201 In Lougle financial news, no surprise here, 689 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,820 Lougle finished trading up 10 points today. 690 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,605 Nice. Looks like I turned the company around. 691 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:39,810 I'll turn you around. 692 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:42,567 Somebody's grumpy 'cause they got murdered. 693 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:46,900 Adam! Come on out! 694 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:48,660 It's your best friends in the whole fucking world! 695 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:49,900 You sure this is the right place? 696 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,900 Lougle Search brought up Adam's location and DNA. 697 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:54,860 He's really got to fix his privacy settings. 698 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,247 If he's here, I'm gonna kill him before he kills me. 699 00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:58,925 Hi. Can I help you? 700 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:03,327 Oh, my God. Jacob Dorchen and Nick Webber? 701 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:05,241 Guilty. 702 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,780 Am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 703 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,724 Just tell me. Tell me, am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 704 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,362 And hello, sir. Who are you? 705 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,020 - Fuck it, wrong house. - Stop. 706 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:16,690 Does Adam Yates live here? 707 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:19,208 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 708 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,220 Okay, so you're married to my aunt, which makes you my uncle. 709 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:28,848 But that means that you and I are first cousins. 710 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,300 Oh, my God, you guys. This is aws. 711 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,607 He looks like a preppie Braveheart. 712 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,485 I found this photo after my mother died. 713 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,820 Great White Buffalo. 714 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,660 - Great White Buffalo. - Great White Buffalo. 715 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:47,500 Great White Buffalo. Yeah. 716 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:48,931 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 717 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,980 So this is him, right? This is my dad? 718 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,060 So you never met him? 719 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:54,889 No, they broke up before I was even born. 720 00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:58,121 But you guys can introduce us. 721 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,940 Yeah. See, the thing about that is, it's complicated. 722 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:04,122 Do you guys ever feel like 723 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,403 everything happens for a reason? 724 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:07,646 - Yes. - No. 725 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,380 Call it destiny, or predestiny. 726 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,020 I think it's "predestination." 727 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,180 No, it's predestiny. I read a book. 728 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:15,441 Was that book a dictionary? 729 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,364 No, it was a book called Predestiny. 730 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:18,970 Okay, I don't really give a shit. 731 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,287 With predestiny, it dictates 732 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,140 that there is a force or something holding the strings 733 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:25,580 and setting everything up 734 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,684 just so they can be knocked down perfectly 735 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:30,923 into... 736 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:36,980 Place. 737 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:39,401 I can't! I can't do it! I gotta go. Let's go. 738 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:41,340 - Sorry. - Sorry, bro, we gotta go. 739 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:42,420 Nice skirt, by the way. 740 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,000 - Thank you. - I have the dress. 741 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:46,580 Wait, who said anything about a dress? 742 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:49,160 I certainly didn't say anything about the dress. 743 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,500 I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Adam had guests. 744 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,700 - Hey, babe. - Hi. 745 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,020 Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys. 746 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,260 We're getting married this weekend. 747 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,931 Me and Jill, not me and you guys. 748 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,340 Stop it. You're gonna make milk come out of my nose. 749 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,886 - Milk? What milk? - I had milk earlier. 750 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,006 Are you Nick Webber? 751 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:11,460 Yes. Yes, I am. 752 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,961 Would you please do the Webber Strut? 753 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:15,281 The Webber... 754 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,820 Come on, you know it. He wants us to do it. 755 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:18,860 I think so. 756 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,486 Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut. 757 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,489 - Stop that. - Strut, strut, strut... 758 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,046 Wow, they're really good at your dance. 759 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,688 Your poor man's Macarena that you are very famous for. 760 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,780 Everybody do the... 761 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:32,620 They're, like, picking dicks out of a tree. 762 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,140 It looks like dick-picking. 763 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:37,060 And for the record, I still like your music. 764 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,208 I mean, I know you've fallen on hard times. 765 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:40,300 Hard times? 766 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,260 You're so poor now, but I really like you still. 767 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,820 What do you mean, poor? 768 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:45,700 - Oh, my God, that's the one. - That's the one? 769 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:46,900 That is the one. 770 00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:49,367 Honey, we found our mini-cake bites. 771 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:50,780 Guys! 772 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,700 We found our mini-cake bites. 773 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:53,740 What? 774 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:54,860 I didn't tell you. 775 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,883 - Jacob is my cousin. - No. 776 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,241 - And Uncle Lou... - Don't you ever call me that. 777 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:01,300 - ...Is my uncle. - What? 778 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,483 And they came here in a... What was it? 779 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,091 Hot tub time machine. 780 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,340 That's right. 781 00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:08,420 Okay. 782 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,285 So I guess you came here in a hot tub time machine, too. 783 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:15,241 Listen. 784 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:19,881 - They're looking for my dad. - What? 785 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,451 You have to go with them. 786 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,740 Would you guys mind? It would be really, really great 787 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,300 to have my father at the wedding. 788 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:27,420 Fuck that. Fuck that. 789 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,300 No way in hell. No way in hell. 790 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:30,540 You gotta let Adam go. 791 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:32,860 I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that he needs. 792 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:35,780 We've been together for 10 years. He hardly ever goes out. 793 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:37,291 He didn't even have a bachelor party. 794 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,780 Honey, you're making me seem a little stiff. 795 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:39,860 Right. 796 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,043 All right. Well, you have fun and make good choices. 797 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:44,980 - You're my best choice. - You're my best choice. 798 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,460 - No, you're my best choice. - You're my bestest choice. 799 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,220 No, you're my best choice! 800 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:50,606 You're my best choice! 801 00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:53,291 You're. My. Best. Choice. 802 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,204 - The fuck? - Yeah, seriously. 803 00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:57,220 Guys, I'll be there in one second. 804 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,130 You're. My. Best. Choice. 805 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,924 So you guys are my dad's full-on bros, huh? 806 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,460 I always wondered what my dad's full-on bros 807 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,450 would be like and now... Now I totally know. 808 00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,086 'Cause we're getting some serious hang-time. 809 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:12,361 Hey. 810 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:16,580 You know what, I feel like we are going to have an unforgettably... 811 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,540 Dude, where the fuck are we going? 812 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,020 Well, my mom used to live near here, 813 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,442 so I figured we'd go by her old building and see if we can find a clue. 814 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:27,082 Okay! Well, there's a 50-50 chance I might murder your dad, 815 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,202 so if you have a reunion speech, keep it tight. 816 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,289 Holy shit! 817 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:32,931 Wassup, man? 818 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,804 No, no, no, no, no. 819 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,364 There's no one driving that car. 820 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:43,540 Yeah, it's a smart car. 821 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,246 - Yeah, I can see that. - No, it's a smart car. 822 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,488 - It's self-driving. - What? 823 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:49,700 That's awesome! 824 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,529 Now, see, this is that future shit I'm talking about. 825 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:52,880 How much that set you back? 826 00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,009 You guys are hilarious. 827 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,460 I don't own it. I mean, no one does. 828 00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:58,860 You need a car, one shows up. 829 00:38:58,960 --> 00:38:59,980 Really? 830 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,651 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 831 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:04,401 Come on. 832 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,380 So, this car runs on feelings. 833 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:09,528 Yeah, I guess a 6-year-old would say that. 834 00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:11,340 Burn. 835 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,408 Really? Would a 6-year-old say that? 836 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,740 - What the fuck was that? - Revved up on you. 837 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:19,763 - Did he just rev up on me? - He sure did. 838 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,571 Hey! What's up? You got a problem with me? 839 00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,500 You know what? I'll give you the first punch, huh? 840 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:26,620 Go ahead. 841 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:28,961 Go ahead! Hit me! 842 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,220 Come on! 843 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:31,420 You're not a good car! 844 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:35,491 You're not smart! You're just a car! 845 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,740 Okay. I don't think it actually works that way. 846 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,420 Like, you can't hurt its feelings. 847 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:41,900 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 848 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,580 Yeah, well, guess what? 849 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,921 You can hurt my feelings, okay? 850 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:47,770 - What? - I'm walking. 851 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,047 - Is he always like this? - Pretty much. 852 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,140 Does he have, like, emotional problems? 853 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,740 - He's got a real serious drug problem. - He got shot last night. 854 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:58,820 - He's got that runt ball. - His son hates him. 855 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,260 That's fair to say, right? 856 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,408 Yeah, yeah. He's a monster. 857 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:04,524 I'd like to help him. 858 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:15,330 Hey, I'm sure you're sick of this, 859 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,007 but will you sign my Dick Pad? 860 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,660 You put your dick in there! 861 00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,020 It's a genius invention. 862 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:23,929 I know, okay? I know. 863 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,860 You put your whole mouth inside your son's jerk-off machine. 864 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,406 What does your son's penis taste like? 865 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:30,980 Goddamn you. 866 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:32,286 Was it delicious? 867 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,180 Hey, a friend of mine's some sort a big shot over at Lougle. 868 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,009 Brad Syed? He's coming to my wedding. 869 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,441 - Brad? - Hey. 870 00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,884 You guys should absolutely come to my wedding. 871 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:43,121 No. 872 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:45,980 Man, I wish we could, but we're doing... 873 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,889 Motherfucker! 874 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:50,764 Gary Winkle. 875 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,140 Fuck him in the face. Right in the fucking face. 876 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:04,969 It's not about money, it's about making money. 877 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,561 Look who it... 878 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:11,060 How are you rich, huh? How the fuck are you rich? 879 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:12,740 - Lou... - You killed me! 880 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:14,842 I'm going to kill you before you can kill me again! 881 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,620 Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa... 882 00:41:16,720 --> 00:41:21,123 That's hilarious. Why would I kill you? I love you, man. 883 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:22,540 What? 884 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,450 Okay, okay, okay. All right. I'm fine. 885 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:26,740 You not buying that land 886 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:28,922 was the best thing that ever happened to me. 887 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:32,740 Because when Hurricane Beth came through and destroyed half the waterfront... 888 00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,367 It turned this worthless piece of dirt into a goldmine. 889 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:37,567 What? 890 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,180 So you didn't murder me? 891 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,682 What are you talking about? I love you, man. 892 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:45,820 So, are you boys coming up or what? 893 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,491 It's not a party unless it's a Gary Winkle party. 894 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,170 At Gary Winkle's. 895 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:51,926 The Wink. 896 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,361 - What are you doing? - It's a double wink. 897 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:55,580 Technically, that's more of a blink. 898 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,444 - That's a blink. - You can't wink, can you? 899 00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:58,971 Of course I can wink. 900 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:00,121 Prove it. 901 00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:03,081 Yeah. 902 00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:05,220 Let me do this. Hold on. 903 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,482 Let me hold this open. I'll hold this open. 904 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,046 Now do it. 905 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:10,900 See? 906 00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,081 Can we go to the fuckin' party now? 907 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,525 Welcome to The Wink! 908 00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:27,848 Hey, jugglers, give my boys anything they want... 909 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,011 From that shelf down. 910 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,540 - Lou, what are we doing here? - You know. 911 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,380 Winkle is not the killer. We gotta go. 912 00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:35,820 I don't care, 'cause there's cocaine right there. 913 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,180 Didn't you see the cocaine? Look, look, look. 914 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,580 I see the cocaine. So what? 915 00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:40,420 Well, I'm going to do that. So, first... And then... 916 00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,660 Look, I'm not flickering. Am I flickering? You cannot say that I'm flickering. 917 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,060 We're on a mission to save your life. 918 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:46,889 You think I don't want to roll my dick around some cocaine, 919 00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,100 - and get titty-slapped? - Okay. 920 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,420 Pop some bottles? Do some crazy future shit? 921 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:51,660 I'm trying to keep you from flickering. 922 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:52,940 - What the fuck are you doing? - Good talk. 923 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,646 Thank you. And popping bottles, that's old school. 924 00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:56,900 You bringing that back? 925 00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,140 Yeah. 926 00:42:58,240 --> 00:42:59,765 I like that. I like you. 927 00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:03,846 What are these? I don't care. 928 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:07,564 So, Nick, listen, I was so sorry to hear about you and Courtney. 929 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:08,801 What do you mean? 930 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,561 Gotcha. Forget I even brought it up. 931 00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,205 No, no, no, really, what do you mean? 932 00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:16,203 I hear you loud and clear, man. 933 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,580 I don't think you hear me at all. 934 00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:19,980 Hey, Sophie! 935 00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:21,684 There you are. 936 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:27,210 I have a surprise for you. 937 00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:31,047 Sophie has a surprise for me. 938 00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:32,641 Bye, dude! 939 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:36,980 I'll take a room-temperature almond milk, please. 940 00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,004 No, actually, I'll get a tangerine margarita. 941 00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:41,500 No. Scratch that. 942 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:45,580 I'll take just an apricot sliced into fours. And a kiwi. 943 00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:48,340 Do you have kiwi? I'll take a kiwi, sliced up. 944 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:50,020 A banana thrown in there. 945 00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:51,740 You know what? Dealer's choice. 946 00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:53,080 Just a fruit salad. 947 00:43:57,520 --> 00:43:58,851 Should we go somewhere more private? 948 00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:02,488 Jacob Dorchen wants privacy. 949 00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,045 That's so 2018. 950 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:05,161 Right, right. 951 00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:07,449 No. Get that out of here. 952 00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,500 I mean, I wouldn't mind a little something. 953 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:12,762 Remember, we agreed? 954 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:14,860 Look at your dad. 955 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,361 You're not going down that road anymore. 956 00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:23,121 Oh, God, I'm so good at that! 957 00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:25,041 Yes! 958 00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:26,740 It's Satan. 959 00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:28,260 Like, I'll finger your dog, I don't care. 960 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,010 As a joke! As a joke! 961 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:31,361 I have some advice for you. 962 00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,740 If you don't want to be considered a sex offender, 963 00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,180 don't take a shit in a sandbox 964 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,060 that happens to be in a playground. 965 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,380 Okay? Don't do it. 'Cause guess what? 966 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:43,324 You have two things, a record and a fucking nickname. 967 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,484 I know it's a potentially risky move... Wedding sorbet! 968 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:49,411 As a palate cleanser, of course. I mean, I'm not insane. 969 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,928 Oh, my God! Fuckin' A! You're Nick Webber, man! 970 00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:54,380 Let's take a picture! I can't believe it's you, man. 971 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:55,420 I'm gonna send this to everyone. 972 00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:57,540 - I'm gonna get, like, a billion views! - Okay. 973 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:00,100 I remember when I first heard that stupid song. I was like, 974 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:03,010 "Man, that song is so dumb." 975 00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:04,366 Do the Strut. 976 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:05,720 - Do the Strut. - No, I'm good. 977 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:06,921 You won't do the fucking song? 978 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:09,380 - You want to see the Strut? - Whoa, whoa, whoa... 979 00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:11,260 Hey, yo! Check this out! 980 00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:13,886 Nick Webber's in the house, so get ready for the original 981 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,889 Webber Strut! 982 00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:21,620 Before that, let's back it up. 983 00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:24,041 6 years ago, see where it all began. 984 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:27,490 I made a lot of mistakes. I've taken advantage. 985 00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,240 And now I'm ready to be original. 986 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:33,020 This is dedicated to those who never got to be, 987 00:45:33,120 --> 00:45:34,451 because of me. 988 00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:39,081 Strut to the time of the clock 989 00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:42,682 It's midnight Everybody strut right now 990 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,769 Nick Webber Nick Webber 991 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:46,609 You don't know but you think you know 992 00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,802 Nick Webber Nick Webber 993 00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,406 You don't know, but you will 994 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:54,531 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 995 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:58,860 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 996 00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:00,166 Everybody do the 997 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:13,521 Oh, this room is so much better than the other room. 998 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,041 What? 999 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:22,681 No! 1000 00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:25,887 Look at him go. Chip off the old block. 1001 00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:28,660 Okay, be nice. 1002 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,287 Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. 1003 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:34,327 Son! 1004 00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,923 Hey! What a coincidence! 1005 00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,204 Wondering where you ran off to, but here you are. 1006 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:42,540 Who let you in here? 1007 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,060 Would you go find your murderer? 1008 00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:48,020 Think your old man can get in on a little of this action? Or... 1009 00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:49,724 This is a private party. 1010 00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:51,171 This one's mine. 1011 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,325 What? Yes! See? 1012 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:54,481 Still got it! 1013 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:56,820 What are the house rules here? 1014 00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:57,980 I just want to know what to do. 1015 00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,801 I don't want to break any rules, get chucked out right away, you know? 1016 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,161 - That'd be fucked up. - Touch me, you filthy vagrant. 1017 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:10,660 Wait, what was that? 1018 00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:12,380 Nothing. It wasn't anything. 1019 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:13,481 You just flickered. 1020 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:14,900 No, I'd flickered? No, I didn't. 1021 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:15,980 How did you do that? 1022 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:17,500 He's threatening his own existence. 1023 00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:20,780 Lou, you can't be here, 'cause you're jeopardizing your future. 1024 00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:22,660 Would you mind your own fucking beeswax? 1025 00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,340 Whatever. I'm over this. 1026 00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,820 No! No! 1027 00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:28,922 No, no! 1028 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:34,820 Long story short, the caterer did talk us into the Chateaubriand, 1029 00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,340 which, you know, I'll admit, is a sexy side of beef. 1030 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:38,380 Sounds like it. 1031 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,180 And I think you know where I'm going with this. 1032 00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:41,220 You thought wrong. 1033 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:44,180 Horseradish station. That's right. We're gonna have the white and the reds, 1034 00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,620 separate service, different intensity. 1035 00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:48,290 It's gonna be great... 1036 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:52,206 Wait a second. Nick? You should play our wedding. 1037 00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,780 People would love to see the Strut in person. 1038 00:47:54,880 --> 00:47:56,060 I'm sure they would. 1039 00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:57,980 Hey, what do you guys want from the party tray? 1040 00:47:58,080 --> 00:47:59,180 Me? 1041 00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,620 I don't know. I'm getting married tomorrow, 1042 00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:03,484 so I'm really trying to take it easy. 1043 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:05,020 Yeah, you're getting married for the rest of your life, 1044 00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,691 so why have any fun tonight at all? 1045 00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:10,500 Yeah. 1046 00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,180 - Uncle Lou is right. - Don't call me that. 1047 00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,044 Give me the craziest thing you got. 1048 00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,860 Someone sounds like he wants the Electric Ladybug. 1049 00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:18,086 The Electric... 1050 00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:19,220 Stick it right there. 1051 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:22,005 What... I'm sorry, what exactly is that? 1052 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,260 Don't take it off for 24 hours. 1053 00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,931 Why can't I take it off for 24 hours? 1054 00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,460 Yeah. What's so funny? 1055 00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:34,881 Relax. Relax. It's just like baby aspirin. 1056 00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:38,243 Except more of a super-high intensity psychotropic drug trip. 1057 00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,085 I promise you, 1058 00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:49,045 you're not gonna like this. 1059 00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:53,681 Bye-bye. 1060 00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,365 Horseradish. 1061 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:16,940 Hello. 1062 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:18,780 I'm a god! 1063 00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,087 I'm a fucking god! 1064 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,481 Shit. 1065 00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:24,249 Not in the dumpster. I owe you 50 bucks. 1066 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,164 Hey, lick my pussy. 1067 00:50:28,360 --> 00:50:30,761 Just kidding, guys. I'm up here. What's up? 1068 00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:34,441 - What are you doing up there? - Why are you down there, stupid fuck? 1069 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:36,449 You guys, last night, 1070 00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:38,125 my eyes 1071 00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:41,044 - opened. - Okay. 1072 00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:43,209 I'm telling you, you guys, you got to get up here. 1073 00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:45,961 I mean, the way the sun is just dancing off these leaves... 1074 00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:47,060 Mr. Webber. 1075 00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:48,700 Hi. I'm from Choozy Doozy. 1076 00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:51,241 - I'm here to take you to the show. - Show? 1077 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:52,500 Yeah. 1078 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,761 How about that? 1079 00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:57,965 Nick Webber has a show in 2025. Still got it! 1080 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,170 Right, but, I mean, we can't go because we have to solve his murder. 1081 00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:03,780 Come on! Look. Hey, not flickering. 1082 00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:05,620 Maybe it's a lead. It's a fun lead. 1083 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,529 Until somebody goes back in time and kills you. 1084 00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:08,847 I can't miss my gig. 1085 00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:12,140 Okay, Choozy Doozy is my favorite show. 1086 00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:13,380 Wait, how did you find us? 1087 00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:14,845 I just go where the cars take me. 1088 00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:16,300 Okay, I'm coming down. 1089 00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,340 Do you think I can make that dumpster, guys? 1090 00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:19,820 - No. - No. 1091 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:22,900 - Yeah, I think I can probably make it. - Yes, yes, yes, yes! Come on! 1092 00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:24,220 Yeah, I think so, too, Lou. Thanks. 1093 00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:25,340 - Adam, stay right there. - Stop. Adam! 1094 00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:26,820 - Come on! - Baby Adam! 1095 00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:27,900 You can! 1096 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:29,100 Stop, Lou! 1097 00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:30,531 Here I go. I'm gonna jump. 1098 00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:34,161 Holy fuck... 1099 00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:35,726 Got you! 1100 00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:38,620 That was fucking awesome! 1101 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,848 - Oh, my God! - How did you even do that? 1102 00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:42,521 I'm strong as fuck. 1103 00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:47,740 Get ready for mischief, mayhem, plenty of truths and more than one dare! 1104 00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:51,740 This is Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1105 00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:52,860 Now, please welcome back 1106 00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:55,486 the host of the show, Britt McShasaucey! 1107 00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:02,843 Thank you very much for that, Gill! 1108 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,762 Welcome to our show! We got a very, very exciting 1109 00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:08,524 show planned for you tonight. 1110 00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:12,930 Please help me welcome back to the stage, musical sensation, 1111 00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:15,601 Nick Webber! 1112 00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:24,140 Hello? 1113 00:52:24,240 --> 00:52:28,086 Hey, honey, guess where I am. Just guess. 1114 00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:30,700 Okay, shut up. I'm at Choozy Doozy. 1115 00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:32,100 Where have you been? 1116 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:33,980 I tried to call you, like, a hundred times. 1117 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:36,620 What was with that crazy phone call last night? 1118 00:52:36,720 --> 00:52:38,540 Crazy call? What do you mean? 1119 00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:42,087 You don't remember calling me and telling me that you were a god? 1120 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:44,688 No. Does that sound like me? 1121 00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:47,740 Listen, I had the most amazing night. 1122 00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:49,620 I did everything. 1123 00:52:49,720 --> 00:52:52,405 I punched a man in the face. 1124 00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:54,020 Just walked up to him. 1125 00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:56,180 Just punched him with my fist. 1126 00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:59,682 I felt like an ape. Like an ape. 1127 00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:03,180 I did Eskimo kisses with this beautiful woman. 1128 00:53:03,280 --> 00:53:04,660 What are you talking about? 1129 00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:06,046 Honey, have you ever felt 1130 00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:11,220 that everything that you've experienced and said up to this point is just a fraud? 1131 00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:12,660 Excuse me? 1132 00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:14,580 No. Okay, "fraud" is too strong a word. 1133 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,968 It's more like a lie. 1134 00:53:19,240 --> 00:53:21,820 "Lie" is actually... It's not right, either. 1135 00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:23,763 It's kind of a hard concept to... 1136 00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:26,125 Okay, bye, honey. 1137 00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:29,807 All right, that went well. That went really well. 1138 00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:33,060 Our studio audience will have the opportunity 1139 00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:36,420 to challenge you to specific tasks. 1140 00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:39,420 The best idea shall prevail. 1141 00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,460 Because this is... 1142 00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:44,769 Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1143 00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:46,620 What is that, exactly? 1144 00:53:46,720 --> 00:53:48,220 Let me hear some ideas from the audience. 1145 00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:51,140 - Come on! We want some new ideas! - Eat a bunch of waffles! 1146 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:53,220 Eat a bunch of waffles. Very, very nice choice. 1147 00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:54,321 Juggle knives! 1148 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:55,980 Very scary! 1149 00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:57,809 He could lose an arm! That happened last week. 1150 00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,286 Swallow a watch! 1151 00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:01,445 Can you swallow a watch, Nick? 1152 00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:02,801 I hope not. 1153 00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:04,740 Fuck a dude! 1154 00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:05,900 Whoa! 1155 00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:07,047 Okay! 1156 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,849 Say some more stuff! Say something else! 1157 00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:13,401 Now, remember, folks, 1158 00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:16,330 when you see something you like, you make your selection, 1159 00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,847 and it'll show up here on the board. 1160 00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:20,940 I don't want to fuck a dude. 1161 00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:22,166 You're adorable. 1162 00:54:25,040 --> 00:54:26,500 This is the best day of my life. 1163 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,250 What the fuck's wrong with everybody? 1164 00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:32,446 Waffles, waffles. It's a neck-and-neck with... 1165 00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:35,365 Well... 1166 00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:38,380 Look at that. 1167 00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:39,620 Oh, hell, no! 1168 00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:42,820 You just got very lucky, my friend, because you were almost 1169 00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:45,100 about to have to eat a whole bunch of waffles! 1170 00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:47,340 I'm willing to do that. I'm willing... I'll eat the waffles. 1171 00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:48,521 Okay, now... 1172 00:54:49,160 --> 00:54:53,180 Who had the idea of this man fornicating with a gentleman? 1173 00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:55,203 Over here! This guy! 1174 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:56,761 What's your name, sir? 1175 00:54:57,200 --> 00:54:58,220 Lou Dorchen. 1176 00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:01,180 Well, Lou, as you know, with Choozy Doozy... 1177 00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:04,460 You choose it, you dooze it! 1178 00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:06,722 You choose it, you dooze it. 1179 00:55:12,320 --> 00:55:13,860 I'm sorry. I dooze what now? 1180 00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:15,180 Oh, shit! 1181 00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:17,060 - Come on up here, Lou! - This is crazy! 1182 00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:19,083 Stop smiling! 1183 00:55:21,680 --> 00:55:25,127 And, we're back with the Celebrity Choozy Doozy challenge round. 1184 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,802 We have Nick Webber along with his pal, Lou Dorchen! 1185 00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:31,020 What exactly is this? 1186 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,407 It's the number one show on TV. 1187 00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:35,842 Okay, load 'em up! 1188 00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:42,088 What the fuck? 1189 00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:43,771 I don't think this is real. 1190 00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:48,927 Yeah. It's like Lawnmower Man. 1191 00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:50,980 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 1192 00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:52,220 Just like Lawnmower Man, 1193 00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:53,580 except, you know, we're supposed to fuck. 1194 00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,331 Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. 1195 00:55:57,760 --> 00:55:58,980 Bring me the thing! 1196 00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:00,127 Well... 1197 00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,727 I'm glad we're on the same page. 1198 00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:05,846 What's going on? Lou! 1199 00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:16,851 Motherfucker! 1200 00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,780 - This is getting a little dark. - Dark? What do you mean? 1201 00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:22,700 Okay, if this is the most popular show, give me some of the other shows? 1202 00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:24,580 Yeah, of course. There's Toddler In The Wild, 1203 00:56:24,680 --> 00:56:27,251 there's Mommy, I'm Drowning, there's Daddy. Where Are You Going? 1204 00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,840 There's Building Explosion. 1205 00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:31,940 - Building Explosion? - Yeah, Building Explosion. 1206 00:56:32,040 --> 00:56:34,220 It just shows big buildings falling down, and... 1207 00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:36,780 Kids, like, trapped in the basement, and the building falls, 1208 00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:38,460 and they're like, "Ma, get me out of here." 1209 00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:40,820 And it shows them how to get out in an emergency, 1210 00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:43,161 but also tells them when to give up. 1211 00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:46,649 Bing bong! What's the delay? 1212 00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:48,647 Hey. 1213 00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:52,561 Hey. There's something trying to kill us here. 1214 00:56:53,400 --> 00:56:56,220 That's 10,000 volts of electricity coursing through the suits 1215 00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:58,687 that you're wearing back here in the studio! 1216 00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:01,686 Every week, it's the same goddamn thing. 1217 00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,527 It's guy on guy, girl on girl. 1218 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,201 Sometimes it's even guy on girl. 1219 00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:11,620 What is the big deal with the two of you boys sleeping together? 1220 00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:14,530 You're acting like it's 2010, for Christ's sakes. 1221 00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:18,846 Now, we got a show to do, boys! So start fucking! 1222 00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:20,580 Dude, is there, like, a stage manager around? 1223 00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:21,920 I mean, they're gonna kill these guys. 1224 00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:23,460 Hey, I'm sorry. Look. 1225 00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:26,100 If you're gonna sit next to me, I need to know right now, 1226 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,340 do you have a problem with this show? 1227 00:57:28,440 --> 00:57:30,260 Well, yeah, clearly I have a problem with this show. 1228 00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:31,691 I mean, look, this is grotesque. 1229 00:57:31,800 --> 00:57:33,740 Jacob. This is a great show. 1230 00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:35,260 This is the number one show in the nation. 1231 00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,340 This is a show that families enjoy. 1232 00:57:37,440 --> 00:57:39,140 - Okay? - This is a family show? 1233 00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:41,140 - Absolutely. - Like, it's on at, like, 8:00? 1234 00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:44,180 It's on at 7:00 on Sunday nights against Butthole Nation. 1235 00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:45,884 And it always wins. 1236 00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:54,130 Classic Lou. 1237 00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:00,201 Okay. 1238 00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:06,085 Okay. 1239 00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:08,800 I'm sorry, Lou. 1240 00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:11,491 I know you are, buddy! I know! 1241 00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:13,260 I know. I love you, man! 1242 00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:14,500 Don't say that! 1243 00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:16,568 I don't wanna have an emotional connection to this moment! 1244 00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:19,420 What... God forbid a couple of friends 1245 00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:21,540 can't express their brotherly love for each other! 1246 00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:22,620 I love you. 1247 00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:24,100 I told you to stop saying that! 1248 00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:26,328 I'm so sorry! 1249 00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:28,849 So there are no more sex taboos? 1250 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,340 Well, I guess bestiality. 1251 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:33,205 But only from a community property perspective. 1252 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:35,250 What do you mean? 1253 00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:37,660 Oh, you don't remember Llama v. Ferguson? 1254 00:58:37,760 --> 00:58:38,980 Guy tries to divorce a llama, 1255 00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:42,004 and the land is in dispute because the llama needs to graze? 1256 00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:45,420 But people still eat animals, right? 1257 00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:48,603 Oh, yeah, absolutely. And animals eat people, it's all the same. 1258 00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:53,500 You got a tuft of hair coming out your crack. 1259 00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,180 Don't fuckin' worry about it, okay? 1260 00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:57,300 I'll get your grooming tips later. 1261 00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:58,460 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 1262 00:58:58,560 --> 00:58:59,766 Okay. I love you. 1263 00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:04,180 All right! Put it in slow! 1264 00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:05,964 Really slow! 1265 00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,606 One... 1266 00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:09,540 Two... 1267 00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,244 - Take that dick. - What the fuck? 1268 00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:12,620 Come on! It's just something I say. 1269 00:59:12,720 --> 00:59:13,926 "Take that dick"? 1270 00:59:14,960 --> 00:59:16,962 Wait, hold on! Stop, stop, stop! 1271 00:59:22,320 --> 00:59:24,607 Looks like somebody chose a lifeline! 1272 00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:26,340 Me! Me! I did it! I chose it! 1273 00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:28,442 Who will the lucky winner be? 1274 00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:29,846 What happens? Do we get waffles? 1275 00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,286 - What happened? - It's a lifeline, 1276 00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,020 so the chooser picks a new doozer. 1277 00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,860 You gotta choose someone, Lou. 1278 00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:36,610 Choose waffles. 1279 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:38,900 Okay, I get it. I get it. 1280 00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:40,570 All right. All right. 1281 00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:44,162 Yeah, I know just the guy. He loves this show. 1282 00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:49,540 No, no, no. I'm... 1283 00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:52,291 I'm actually getting married tonight, so I can't. 1284 00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:55,090 It's actually an issue of fidelity. 1285 00:59:55,320 --> 00:59:56,540 I cannot do this. 1286 00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:58,005 You're a monster, Lou. 1287 01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:05,321 What's up? 1288 01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:07,140 Get ready, 'cause here it comes. 1289 01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:08,287 Here what comes? 1290 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:13,361 That's my butt! 1291 01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:18,484 Wow! That was good TV. 1292 01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:22,380 You know what, Adam, I thought about it. 1293 01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:24,740 You can call me Uncle Lou now. 1294 01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:27,161 Holy shit! Did you see that? 1295 01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,140 You're a fucking lunatic! 1296 01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:31,220 - Was that the same car? - Couldn't be. 1297 01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:32,820 That car tried to run me down on purpose. 1298 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:34,126 Did you see that? 1299 01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:37,370 What if that car's my murderer? 1300 01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,260 You were shot in the dick in the past, remember? 1301 01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:41,300 Like that would be the craziest fucking thing 1302 01:00:41,400 --> 01:00:43,300 that's ever happened to us. That car's an asshole. 1303 01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:46,006 The car's not an asshole. You're an asshole. 1304 01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:48,620 Whoa. Where'd that come from? 1305 01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:52,100 Everything is all about Lou. No regard for anybody else. 1306 01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:54,500 I'm pretty sure that's never been the case at all, ever. 1307 01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:56,841 Because of you, Adam just got raped. 1308 01:00:57,160 --> 01:00:58,460 Are we calling it a rape? 1309 01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:00,050 Whoa! Nobody got raped. 1310 01:01:00,200 --> 01:01:01,611 It felt like kind of a gray area. 1311 01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,330 You're a fucking virus, Lou. 1312 01:01:03,520 --> 01:01:05,010 You find a vulnerable host, 1313 01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:08,140 and you attach yourself and you just fuck 'em all up. 1314 01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:09,366 Okay. 1315 01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:13,201 Okay. Someone needs to find a chill-out tent. 1316 01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,500 Let's get you a comfy couch and a video game. What do you say? 1317 01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:18,860 Where does it say in the Shitty Parent's Handbook to treat your son like shit? 1318 01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,540 Well, if it's a Shitty Parent's Handbook, 1319 01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:23,086 wouldn't it be, like, the theme of the whole book? 1320 01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:25,043 - No, he's right. Wait. - No, no, no. 1321 01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:27,766 It's a step-by-step guide for how to be a shitty parent. 1322 01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:30,380 - Exactly. - Shitty Parenting for Dummies. 1323 01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:32,420 Okay. You're right. I apologize. 1324 01:01:32,520 --> 01:01:34,260 I apologize. You were totally wrong. 1325 01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:37,060 No, why would someone write that book? Why would that book exist? 1326 01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:38,660 Actually, Nick's idea about retitling it 1327 01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:41,020 Shitty Parenting for Dummies is a solid idea. 1328 01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:43,060 - If you want to use the metaphor again. - It's an impulse buy. 1329 01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:45,060 All right, you know what? Forget it. You're right, that's fair. 1330 01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:47,020 It was a misleading title. But the point is... 1331 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:48,380 Fuck you! 1332 01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:50,700 If they're not gonna say it, I will. 1333 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:54,140 I am so tired of solving your problems. 1334 01:01:54,240 --> 01:01:56,460 You wanna stop your murder, figure it out yourself. 1335 01:01:56,560 --> 01:01:57,540 I'm going to Winkle's. 1336 01:01:57,640 --> 01:01:59,540 - Jacob, what the fuck? - Youngblood! 1337 01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:02,020 No. You know why? 'Cause as long as we're here, 1338 01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:05,660 I'm Jacob fucking Dorchen! And that means something. 1339 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,860 Jacob, come on! 1340 01:02:07,960 --> 01:02:09,485 Youngblood, we got to figure this out. 1341 01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,285 You're the only one keeping track of important stuff! 1342 01:02:13,120 --> 01:02:14,121 I mean... 1343 01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:15,487 You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. 1344 01:02:15,600 --> 01:02:17,443 Who cares? Who needs him? I don't need him. 1345 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:19,340 Hey, I'm getting married today, guys. 1346 01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:21,220 What do you say we kick this day in the pants 1347 01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:24,260 and get over there early for some Bloody Mary-tinis? 1348 01:02:24,360 --> 01:02:25,940 I'm sorry. Can I just get rid of this thing? 1349 01:02:26,040 --> 01:02:28,520 No! She said not to take it off for 24 hours. 1350 01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:29,900 - Or what? - I don't know. 1351 01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:32,140 Yeah, exactly. If I had a dime for every time 1352 01:02:32,240 --> 01:02:34,940 I did something a cocktail waitress told me not to do, 1353 01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:36,530 I'd be rich. Look. 1354 01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:43,322 Oh, my God, the cocktail waitress was wrong. 1355 01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:44,460 Sorry, my mistake. 1356 01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:45,925 I should listen to you more often, Lou. 1357 01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:47,260 All right. 1358 01:02:47,360 --> 01:02:48,500 You just learned a valuable life lesson. 1359 01:02:48,600 --> 01:02:49,761 I did. 1360 01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:53,567 Guys? 1361 01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:55,481 Come on. 1362 01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:03,841 God. So... 1363 01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:09,491 - 911, right? - Yeah. 1364 01:03:19,520 --> 01:03:21,522 Fucking disgusting, dude! 1365 01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:24,081 Okay, you're sick. You made your point. 1366 01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,521 Come on, Lou, you know he can't help it. 1367 01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:27,681 You okay, buddy? 1368 01:03:28,920 --> 01:03:31,207 Okay, this is becoming a bit of a hygiene issue. 1369 01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:33,522 All right, let's see what we have here. 1370 01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:35,483 Okay, yeah. 1371 01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,121 Kel. 1372 01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:39,580 Come on, really? 1373 01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:42,809 Divorced? What the fuck are you talking about? 1374 01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,285 Kelly, we're soul mates. 1375 01:03:45,440 --> 01:03:46,805 Not anymore. 1376 01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:50,327 - Mommy? - No, I'm not your mommy. 1377 01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,202 - Homie? - Yeah, I'm your homie. 1378 01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:55,441 Was it something you did? 1379 01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:57,780 If so, I don't care. I don't care. I forgive you. 1380 01:03:57,880 --> 01:03:59,370 Put this in his mouth. 1381 01:03:59,480 --> 01:04:01,700 If you don't communicate with me, I can't fix this! 1382 01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:02,961 You can't fix anything. 1383 01:04:03,280 --> 01:04:06,140 Hey, bite down on this. Good. Okay. 1384 01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:07,321 What's going on? 1385 01:04:07,560 --> 01:04:08,561 Here we go. 1386 01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:11,246 Okay. 1387 01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:13,700 That's actually not bad. 1388 01:04:13,800 --> 01:04:15,290 You know, it's, like, kind of sweet. 1389 01:04:15,720 --> 01:04:17,131 What's happening to him? 1390 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:18,460 This is totally normal. 1391 01:04:18,560 --> 01:04:20,164 The nanobots are attacking the narcotics. 1392 01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:22,085 How long has he been on heroin? 1393 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:23,401 It was a Ladybug. 1394 01:04:23,720 --> 01:04:25,563 - Wait, the sticker? - Yeah, on the neck. 1395 01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:28,481 Yeah. We normally give Tylenol for that. 1396 01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:29,980 I just pumped him full of... 1397 01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:31,500 Narcotic-seeking nanobots? 1398 01:04:31,600 --> 01:04:32,965 - Yeah. - Whoops. 1399 01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:34,889 You're a great listener. I should have married you. 1400 01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:36,684 Look, Kel, I'm sorry, okay? 1401 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:39,446 I'm sorry. 1402 01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:42,091 Can we just move on? 1403 01:04:42,200 --> 01:04:44,521 I did move on, Lou. I got clean. 1404 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:46,762 You're the one who doesn't have a rock bottom. 1405 01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:49,082 I just pray that there's still hope for Jacob. 1406 01:04:51,080 --> 01:04:52,180 This ain't a circus! 1407 01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:54,601 Quit juggling and make some fucking drinks! 1408 01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:56,205 Hey! Jake the Snake! 1409 01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:58,420 Hey, is it still day out there? 1410 01:04:58,520 --> 01:04:59,931 Who gives a shit? What can I get you? 1411 01:05:00,120 --> 01:05:01,531 I'll take everything! 1412 01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:04,340 You sure about that? 1413 01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:05,965 'Cause, remember what happened last time? 1414 01:05:06,120 --> 01:05:07,531 Everything. 1415 01:05:08,120 --> 01:05:09,281 Okay. 1416 01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:12,420 All right! Set Mr. Dorchen up with the usual... 1417 01:05:12,520 --> 01:05:14,807 And, you know, call security. 1418 01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:17,020 The nanobots can't find any drugs, 1419 01:05:17,120 --> 01:05:18,780 so they're traveling to the lowest part of his body, 1420 01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:20,340 where they'll harden and expand. 1421 01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:22,700 - His feet? - In his testicles. 1422 01:05:22,800 --> 01:05:24,802 Well, that hardly seems like the lowest part of his body. 1423 01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:28,042 - Shit! - What's happening? 1424 01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:29,620 Okay. It's now or never. 1425 01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:30,801 What are you doing? 1426 01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,700 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 1427 01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:33,780 What is that? 1428 01:05:33,880 --> 01:05:34,940 What you gonna do with that? 1429 01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:36,041 Stick him! Stick him! 1430 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:43,166 Oh, shit! 1431 01:05:47,480 --> 01:05:48,580 That's a lot of juice! 1432 01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:50,011 Okay! Enough! 1433 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:52,300 Now what's gonna happen, I'm going to pull this out, 1434 01:05:52,400 --> 01:05:53,740 and there might be some leakage, okay? 1435 01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:55,460 Don't pull it out. Don't pull it out. 1436 01:05:55,560 --> 01:05:57,688 - I like it where it is. - 1, 2, 3... 1437 01:06:03,520 --> 01:06:05,090 - Wow! Okay. - Fuck your ball juice! 1438 01:06:06,560 --> 01:06:08,881 I walked right into that one. Literally. 1439 01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:11,642 I don't know about you guys, but I feel way better. 1440 01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,684 There's definitely semen in that. 1441 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:16,082 There's definitely fucking semen in that. 1442 01:06:16,520 --> 01:06:19,364 Did you taste the robots? They're gritty. 1443 01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:25,523 Fucking bottle service. 1444 01:06:26,320 --> 01:06:27,446 Hey! 1445 01:06:32,880 --> 01:06:34,530 Every fucking weekend. 1446 01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:36,131 Hey, baby. 1447 01:06:36,600 --> 01:06:38,807 You're a fuck-up, Jacob. 1448 01:06:39,440 --> 01:06:40,980 Just like your loser dad. 1449 01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,401 I'm not anything like my fucking dad! 1450 01:06:49,560 --> 01:06:51,562 No... No, wait, wait, wait. 1451 01:06:52,720 --> 01:06:55,087 Wait. 1452 01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:58,447 I know how this looks. 1453 01:06:59,040 --> 01:07:01,247 No. You don't. 1454 01:07:06,560 --> 01:07:09,564 You see my son? Do you know my son? 1455 01:07:10,720 --> 01:07:12,085 Jacob! 1456 01:07:12,320 --> 01:07:15,324 Has anybody seen a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid? 1457 01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:18,241 There's Winkle. 1458 01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:20,980 I pay you girls to like me. Hey, smile! 1459 01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:22,605 Hey! 1460 01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:25,220 Electric Ladybug, huh? 1461 01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:27,084 - Fuck you, dude! - Yeah. 1462 01:07:27,320 --> 01:07:28,300 Hey, how you doing? 1463 01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:29,970 I'm doing fucking shitty, Gary. 1464 01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:32,980 Still haven't found my killer, and there's a car trying to run me down. 1465 01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:34,081 I hear you there, brother. 1466 01:07:34,200 --> 01:07:35,929 I had a Passat follow me around for 3 weeks one time. 1467 01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:37,605 Had to buy it rims to make it go away. 1468 01:07:37,840 --> 01:07:39,180 You know what I'm talking about, huh? 1469 01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:40,500 Where's Jacob? 1470 01:07:40,600 --> 01:07:43,180 I had to throw him out, like I always do. You know what I mean? 1471 01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:45,860 He said something about going to see his family therapist, 1472 01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:47,121 whoever the fuck that is. 1473 01:07:50,800 --> 01:07:52,404 I know where he is. 1474 01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:05,804 I'm not that strong. 1475 01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:13,291 Hey, son. 1476 01:08:14,640 --> 01:08:16,165 It's Daddy. 1477 01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:33,540 It's a nice... Nice place. 1478 01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:35,220 Yeah, yeah. 1479 01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:38,324 I mean, like, as far as rooms go, this is one of the biggest. 1480 01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:41,490 - A great room is a great room. - I could see myself chilling here. 1481 01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:44,331 Right. Throwing some football. 1482 01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:46,403 Having a football match right in the middle of the floor. 1483 01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:49,411 Football, basketball, you know, just all the sports. 1484 01:08:49,680 --> 01:08:51,660 I'm so comfortable and relaxed right now. 1485 01:08:51,760 --> 01:08:53,046 Me, too. 1486 01:08:54,160 --> 01:08:55,207 - Hey, Adam... - Yeah. 1487 01:08:55,360 --> 01:08:56,361 ...about what happened at Choozy Doozy... 1488 01:08:56,520 --> 01:08:59,603 No, it was... You know, it was virtual. 1489 01:09:00,000 --> 01:09:02,002 Yeah. Virtual. 1490 01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:03,620 So it was just like... 1491 01:09:03,720 --> 01:09:04,740 It's in the ether. 1492 01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:06,683 - It does not exist. - Who cares? 1493 01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:08,001 That shit happened. 1494 01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:09,660 Yeah, we should get that show cancelled. 1495 01:09:09,760 --> 01:09:11,205 Or at least arrest someone. 1496 01:09:11,360 --> 01:09:13,124 I could've ate some goddamn waffles. 1497 01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:17,367 It's like you shoved a fucking Buick up my butt. 1498 01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:19,682 I got a Buick dick. 1499 01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:21,371 You do. 1500 01:09:22,360 --> 01:09:24,601 Shit got bad, Lou. 1501 01:09:24,720 --> 01:09:27,100 I mean bad like the part of Boogie Nights 1502 01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:29,726 after Mark Wahlberg jerks off in the pickup truck. 1503 01:09:30,040 --> 01:09:32,361 I mean, here we are, with the greatest power 1504 01:09:32,480 --> 01:09:35,051 the universe has to offer at our fingertips 1505 01:09:35,560 --> 01:09:38,723 and we're just a bunch of fuck-ups. 1506 01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:43,380 Jacob, I know what you're going through. 1507 01:09:43,480 --> 01:09:46,165 Yeah, I know that you do. You're the biggest fuck-up I know. 1508 01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:47,845 Look. 1509 01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:52,420 You know, all Dorchen men end up on a roof 1510 01:09:52,520 --> 01:09:54,329 at some point in their lives. 1511 01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:57,370 We party till we want to kill ourselves. My dad did it. 1512 01:09:57,720 --> 01:09:59,324 And your son will do it after you. 1513 01:09:59,560 --> 01:10:01,005 Even Grandpappy Dorchen? 1514 01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:04,246 Jumped off a roof, survived, died of syphilis. 1515 01:10:06,960 --> 01:10:09,340 Jacob, how can we expect to find happiness 1516 01:10:09,440 --> 01:10:12,250 anywhere in time if we're just not happy people? 1517 01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:15,602 We do the best that we can. 1518 01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:23,162 Here comes the hug monster. 1519 01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:32,844 All right. Come on. Let's go do some more dumb shit. 1520 01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:37,940 - Whoa! - I got you! 1521 01:10:38,040 --> 01:10:39,660 - Lou, don't drop me! - I got you! 1522 01:10:39,760 --> 01:10:42,020 - Don't drop me! - I'm not gonna let you fall, I promise. 1523 01:10:42,120 --> 01:10:43,360 - I trust you. - Okay. 1524 01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:45,700 - Fuck, I'm gonna drop you! - Don't drop me! Don't drop me! 1525 01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:46,900 I'm dropping you! You fell! 1526 01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:48,700 Fuck you! 1527 01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,006 No! 1528 01:10:50,960 --> 01:10:53,645 Suicide prevention activated. 1529 01:10:53,880 --> 01:10:55,882 Look at that. Force field. 1530 01:10:56,040 --> 01:10:57,100 This is a great call. 1531 01:10:57,200 --> 01:10:58,611 I must have invented that. 1532 01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,121 Seriously. Thank you, Dad. 1533 01:11:01,480 --> 01:11:02,811 My pleasure, son. 1534 01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:05,122 - Is it fun? - Yeah, it's kind of fun. 1535 01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:08,131 You know what? I'm coming down, too! 1536 01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:12,402 Guys, guys, guys, come on! 1537 01:11:12,680 --> 01:11:14,380 We got a murder to solve here, huh? 1538 01:11:14,480 --> 01:11:16,164 Let's think. It's not Winkle. 1539 01:11:16,480 --> 01:11:17,620 It's obviously not Jacob. 1540 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:18,700 - Right? - Hey. 1541 01:11:18,800 --> 01:11:20,220 - No? Right. - Come on. Come on. 1542 01:11:20,320 --> 01:11:21,970 All right. Okay. 1543 01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,380 Some curious news out of the tech sector today. 1544 01:11:26,480 --> 01:11:29,060 A new synthetic element has been developed. 1545 01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:32,060 The new element invented by Brad Syed of Lougle Labs, 1546 01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:35,323 is tentatively being called nitrotrinadium. 1547 01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:36,601 That's it. 1548 01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:39,820 - Brad never liked me. - No? 1549 01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:41,524 And Brad's going to Adam's wedding. 1550 01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:44,001 I keep forgetting you guys know Brad. 1551 01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:47,843 It's gonna be fun, my wedding. I'm looking forward to it. 1552 01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:51,170 Fuck! My wedding! 1553 01:12:00,440 --> 01:12:03,205 Jill's going to kill me. I have to go change. 1554 01:12:03,440 --> 01:12:06,046 Oh, God. I can't believe that son of a bitch stole my idea. 1555 01:12:06,400 --> 01:12:09,260 Let's split up and find Brad on three. One, two, three. 1556 01:12:09,360 --> 01:12:10,340 Split up and find Brad 1557 01:12:10,440 --> 01:12:12,169 before he goes back in time and kills Lou! 1558 01:12:13,120 --> 01:12:14,260 - Wow! We are so locked in. - Same page. 1559 01:12:14,360 --> 01:12:15,620 - We are so locked in. - Same page. 1560 01:12:15,720 --> 01:12:16,846 - That's awesome. - Right. 1561 01:12:17,040 --> 01:12:19,088 It's normal for men to blow off some steam 1562 01:12:19,200 --> 01:12:20,540 before their wedding, right? 1563 01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:23,883 Adam? What'd he do, have a light lunch and a spa day? 1564 01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:28,489 He did drugs and had sex with a man he barely knows on national TV. 1565 01:12:28,800 --> 01:12:30,689 That doesn't sound like Adam. 1566 01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:33,940 Honey, like you said, he's just blowing off steam. 1567 01:12:34,040 --> 01:12:36,860 Why didn't I blow off steam? I have steam to blow off. 1568 01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,300 All I did was get my hair done! 1569 01:12:38,400 --> 01:12:40,562 - It looks beautiful. - Shut up, you dumb slut. 1570 01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:42,980 You blew half of Pittsburgh before your bachelorette party. 1571 01:12:43,080 --> 01:12:44,206 Get me some champagne. 1572 01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:52,890 I don't know what's taking Jill. 1573 01:12:54,080 --> 01:12:55,580 You think she saw Choozy Doozy? 1574 01:12:55,680 --> 01:12:56,761 Does she watch it? 1575 01:12:57,000 --> 01:12:58,060 It's her favorite show. 1576 01:12:58,160 --> 01:12:59,400 Then she probably saw it. 1577 01:12:59,760 --> 01:13:01,091 Fuck! 1578 01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,447 Sorry. 1579 01:13:05,600 --> 01:13:08,604 This isn't good. She's never late. Ever. 1580 01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:10,524 Do you think she and I are gonna be okay? 1581 01:13:10,760 --> 01:13:13,286 I don't know, man. I'm not the guy to ask about marriage. 1582 01:13:13,520 --> 01:13:15,921 - Wait, are you married? - Yeah. Well... 1583 01:13:17,200 --> 01:13:20,283 I don't know. I hope so. 1584 01:13:20,440 --> 01:13:21,700 Okay. Well, I have to find Jill. 1585 01:13:21,800 --> 01:13:22,847 Will you cover for me? 1586 01:13:22,960 --> 01:13:24,291 No, we gotta find Brad. 1587 01:13:24,600 --> 01:13:26,762 Fuck a dude. Fuck two dudes. 1588 01:13:26,960 --> 01:13:29,611 "I'm Adam. I get plowed by dudes on TV." 1589 01:13:31,280 --> 01:13:33,601 Eeny, meeny, miney, drunk. 1590 01:13:35,440 --> 01:13:36,646 Choozy Boozey. 1591 01:13:39,280 --> 01:13:40,441 So sorry. Wrong room. 1592 01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:46,961 Oh, shit. 1593 01:13:48,200 --> 01:13:52,380 Anybody know a Brad Syed? Report... 1594 01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,801 Hey, Nick Webber. Do the dance. 1595 01:13:55,040 --> 01:13:56,405 You want me to do the dance? 1596 01:13:56,560 --> 01:13:57,540 Yeah, do the dance. 1597 01:13:57,640 --> 01:13:59,100 You want me to do the fucking dance? 1598 01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:00,201 Yeah! 1599 01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:07,164 This is who I've become, isn't it? 1600 01:14:08,160 --> 01:14:09,820 The dancing clown. 1601 01:14:09,920 --> 01:14:12,100 The man who will apparently do anything 1602 01:14:12,200 --> 01:14:14,487 to keep his shitty career going. 1603 01:14:14,920 --> 01:14:16,180 Meanwhile, when's the last time 1604 01:14:16,280 --> 01:14:18,362 I shared a romantic dinner with my wife? 1605 01:14:18,480 --> 01:14:21,370 Or just did anything, just the two of us? 1606 01:14:21,480 --> 01:14:22,686 It's been a minute. 1607 01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:26,420 I'll bet there's a lot of people here tonight 1608 01:14:26,520 --> 01:14:28,329 who have been taken for granted. 1609 01:14:28,440 --> 01:14:29,851 This lady right here. 1610 01:14:30,080 --> 01:14:33,420 When's the last time your man gave you flowers, just because? 1611 01:14:33,520 --> 01:14:34,567 Fuck you, dude. 1612 01:14:34,680 --> 01:14:38,162 Right? On this special occasion, 1613 01:14:38,360 --> 01:14:40,681 be thankful for the one you're with. 1614 01:14:41,000 --> 01:14:43,207 Make each moment count. 1615 01:14:43,920 --> 01:14:46,207 Remember why you fell in love. 1616 01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:49,500 Now do the dance! 1617 01:14:49,600 --> 01:14:50,660 Yeah! 1618 01:14:50,760 --> 01:14:52,364 Do it! Do it! 1619 01:14:53,040 --> 01:14:54,883 Fuck it. D.J.! 1620 01:15:12,640 --> 01:15:13,780 - Hey, Brad. - Hey, Jacob... 1621 01:15:13,880 --> 01:15:16,611 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa... 1622 01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:19,564 Give me the nitrotrinadium, Brad! Give me the fuckin' nitro! 1623 01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:21,041 - Okay, okay. - Slowly. 1624 01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:22,961 Slowly. 1625 01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:26,403 Be very careful, it's my only one. I only trust you with it. 1626 01:15:26,880 --> 01:15:28,962 You thought you had it all figured out, didn't ya? 1627 01:15:29,080 --> 01:15:30,923 Just gonna go back in time and kill my dad. 1628 01:15:31,160 --> 01:15:32,491 - Kill your dad? - Yeah. 1629 01:15:32,720 --> 01:15:33,926 I know your plan, Brad. 1630 01:15:34,240 --> 01:15:35,651 Okay, sure, I thought about it. 1631 01:15:35,760 --> 01:15:37,285 A lot. When I worked for him. 1632 01:15:37,400 --> 01:15:38,401 I knew it. 1633 01:15:38,560 --> 01:15:40,340 But why would I wanna kill the man partly responsible 1634 01:15:40,440 --> 01:15:42,807 for the greatest scientific achievement of all time? 1635 01:15:44,680 --> 01:15:46,700 There was no such thing as nitrotrinadium 1636 01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:49,140 when your dad gave me the idea for it 10 years ago. 1637 01:15:49,240 --> 01:15:50,605 ...for time travel! 1638 01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:52,500 He had a history of pulling great ideas 1639 01:15:52,600 --> 01:15:53,980 - out of his ass... - Boom! 1640 01:15:54,080 --> 01:15:56,660 ...and god damn it, he did it again. 1641 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,922 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 1642 01:15:59,200 --> 01:16:00,645 I dedicated my life's work 1643 01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:03,001 to making Lou Dorchen's vision a reality. 1644 01:16:03,280 --> 01:16:05,931 Wait. So you are the inventor of time travel. 1645 01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:08,443 Right? It's fucking awesome. 1646 01:16:08,600 --> 01:16:11,171 So you weren't gonna go back to 2015 and shoot him in the dick. 1647 01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:12,281 Shoot him? 1648 01:16:13,960 --> 01:16:16,804 If I was going to kill your dad, it wouldn't be with a gun. 1649 01:16:17,040 --> 01:16:20,940 What I would do is spike his morning cocktail with a potent sedative 1650 01:16:21,040 --> 01:16:22,780 before dragging his body to the Gulf and... 1651 01:16:22,880 --> 01:16:24,166 Feeding it to a shark. 1652 01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:26,721 - Yeah. - It's the perfect plan. 1653 01:16:26,960 --> 01:16:29,361 Are you having as fantastic a time as I am? 1654 01:16:29,480 --> 01:16:31,323 Shut up! This isn't making love! 1655 01:16:31,480 --> 01:16:33,180 This is a "fuck you" to my fiance! 1656 01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:34,645 Right, right, right, right. Okay. 1657 01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:37,406 - Fuck me, Uncle Lou! - Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! 1658 01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:38,620 Uncle by marriage! 1659 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,449 I feel like that is an important distinction to make. 1660 01:16:40,560 --> 01:16:41,891 Fuck me, Uncle Lou by marriage! 1661 01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:43,690 I can't believe I'm fucking 1662 01:16:43,800 --> 01:16:45,962 Adam's father's future daughter-in-law! 1663 01:16:46,320 --> 01:16:50,086 I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's father's sister's husband! 1664 01:16:51,160 --> 01:16:52,810 Adam! Have you seen Lou? 1665 01:16:54,600 --> 01:16:57,900 That Jacuzzi time machine thing, is that real? 1666 01:16:58,000 --> 01:16:59,460 - It's a hot tub. - Whatever! 1667 01:16:59,560 --> 01:17:01,380 Listen, Adam, I'm sorry, I gotta be a stickler on this. 1668 01:17:01,480 --> 01:17:02,900 Jacuzzi is a brand name, and... 1669 01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:04,843 Shut up! How does it work? 1670 01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:08,047 - How does it work? - This! 1671 01:17:09,920 --> 01:17:12,220 It's the only nitrotrinadium in the whole world! 1672 01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:16,580 10 fucking years! It was a bitch to make, dude! 1673 01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:19,300 I know, Brad. I didn't mean to fuckin' lose it. 1674 01:17:19,400 --> 01:17:20,970 He got the jump on me. 1675 01:17:21,080 --> 01:17:22,620 But he's so much smaller than you. 1676 01:17:22,720 --> 01:17:26,441 He had, like, super-human strength, like that fucking baby in Superman I. 1677 01:17:26,560 --> 01:17:29,500 You mean Baby Superman? That baby was Superman. 1678 01:17:29,600 --> 01:17:30,580 Yeah, I mean... 1679 01:17:30,680 --> 01:17:32,523 That baby was Superman, Jacob! 1680 01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:37,100 - Hey. - Hey. 1681 01:17:37,200 --> 01:17:38,247 Any luck? 1682 01:17:38,600 --> 01:17:39,965 - Yeah. - You found him? 1683 01:17:41,000 --> 01:17:43,480 Shit! No. Brad. No, you? 1684 01:17:43,880 --> 01:17:46,486 Nah. Dude. 1685 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:49,620 10 years of my life. 1686 01:17:49,720 --> 01:17:50,960 Handle it. 1687 01:17:52,200 --> 01:17:54,860 Instead of linear, think of space-time as being fluid... 1688 01:17:54,960 --> 01:17:56,450 - Hey. - Hey, Lou. 1689 01:17:59,480 --> 01:18:00,641 America! 1690 01:18:00,880 --> 01:18:02,882 Brad was helping. He's not the murderer. 1691 01:18:05,800 --> 01:18:07,325 - Oops. - Then what happened? 1692 01:18:07,440 --> 01:18:10,205 Adam took the nitro. He's going back to 2015 to kill you. 1693 01:18:10,320 --> 01:18:13,085 Adam Junior's the murderer? Why would he do that? 1694 01:18:14,880 --> 01:18:16,245 I think... 1695 01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:18,260 You guys are gonna think this is hilarious. 1696 01:18:18,360 --> 01:18:19,600 I may have 1697 01:18:21,240 --> 01:18:24,403 fucked his wife. A tiny bit! A tiny bit. 1698 01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,140 You know, in her vagina, or whatever. 1699 01:18:27,240 --> 01:18:28,220 Fuck, Lou! 1700 01:18:28,320 --> 01:18:29,810 So you just created your own killer. 1701 01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:31,843 - So I'm the bad guy now! - Yes! 1702 01:18:31,960 --> 01:18:32,961 Yes. 1703 01:18:33,240 --> 01:18:34,401 Come on! 1704 01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:35,687 Fuck! 1705 01:18:36,080 --> 01:18:37,241 Shit. 1706 01:18:37,680 --> 01:18:39,500 Baby Adam got away. 1707 01:18:39,600 --> 01:18:41,921 Shit. Shit. Look, look, look! 1708 01:18:42,760 --> 01:18:43,740 Come on, come on, come on... 1709 01:18:43,840 --> 01:18:46,684 No, no, no, no, no! This has got to end now. 1710 01:18:47,560 --> 01:18:48,540 Lou... 1711 01:18:48,640 --> 01:18:50,290 - Lou, what are you doing? - Lou, get out of the road. 1712 01:18:50,440 --> 01:18:51,820 - Lou! - I know what I'm doing! 1713 01:18:51,920 --> 01:18:52,967 Get the fuck out of the street! 1714 01:18:53,080 --> 01:18:54,605 You don't know what you're doing. You're going to die! 1715 01:18:55,440 --> 01:18:56,420 Lou, would you come the fuck on? 1716 01:18:56,520 --> 01:18:57,760 Let me do this! I got this! 1717 01:18:58,000 --> 01:18:59,126 I got this! 1718 01:18:59,280 --> 01:19:00,327 Stop! 1719 01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:07,727 I'm sorry. Okay. 1720 01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,020 Okay, okay, okay! I mean it. 1721 01:19:11,120 --> 01:19:13,700 I do. I mean it. I'm a dick. Ask my friends. 1722 01:19:13,800 --> 01:19:15,100 - He's a dick. - Big ol' dick. 1723 01:19:15,200 --> 01:19:17,123 Look, I get you. I do. 1724 01:19:17,280 --> 01:19:19,806 I know what it's like to feel unappreciated, 1725 01:19:19,920 --> 01:19:21,763 like just a member of the pack. 1726 01:19:22,480 --> 01:19:25,860 I just want you to know that despite what I said before, 1727 01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:27,380 I do appreciate you. 1728 01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:29,721 And I'm appealing to your sense of humanity right now. 1729 01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:33,140 There is a maniac trying to kill me. 1730 01:19:33,240 --> 01:19:36,801 And I'm asking you to be the bigger car and help me out. 1731 01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:43,166 I'm just a guy looking at a car 1732 01:19:44,480 --> 01:19:46,164 and asking it to love me. 1733 01:20:04,560 --> 01:20:07,006 Listen. You can't go with me, okay? 1734 01:20:07,400 --> 01:20:08,561 Scat! 1735 01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:14,006 Hey, listen. 1736 01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,260 I'll be back, okay? I promise. I'll be back. 1737 01:20:16,360 --> 01:20:19,740 We'll go all the places that we never got to go, okay? 1738 01:20:19,840 --> 01:20:20,841 Just 1739 01:20:21,920 --> 01:20:23,763 wait for me. You 1740 01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:26,323 stay blue. 1741 01:20:35,200 --> 01:20:37,009 Shit. Shit. Shit. 1742 01:20:38,760 --> 01:20:40,649 We're too late. We just missed him. 1743 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:44,046 I guess that's it. We're stuck here. 1744 01:20:44,520 --> 01:20:46,682 That means in a minute, Lou's going to 1745 01:20:47,680 --> 01:20:48,806 disappear. 1746 01:20:51,080 --> 01:20:52,740 No. That can't be right. Right, Jacob? 1747 01:20:52,840 --> 01:20:55,241 I mean, you got... You got a plan or something. 1748 01:20:55,520 --> 01:20:57,204 No. We just got to... 1749 01:20:57,600 --> 01:20:59,045 What are we gonna do? 1750 01:20:59,520 --> 01:21:00,931 Fuck, I don't know. 1751 01:21:01,360 --> 01:21:02,725 I don't know. 1752 01:21:04,560 --> 01:21:05,925 Shit, Lou. 1753 01:21:21,360 --> 01:21:23,886 - I'll miss you, brother. - I'll miss you, too. 1754 01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:32,362 Hey. Before I forget, 1755 01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:34,565 will you just keep an eye on him? 1756 01:21:36,560 --> 01:21:38,961 He's got such a big future ahead of him. 1757 01:21:39,080 --> 01:21:40,570 - Obviously. - Yeah. 1758 01:21:46,720 --> 01:21:47,721 I got it. 1759 01:21:47,840 --> 01:21:49,001 Jacob, it's okay. Don't... 1760 01:21:49,160 --> 01:21:50,180 No, no, no. 1761 01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:53,489 Our nitro was missing because it didn't exist yet. 1762 01:21:53,840 --> 01:21:56,650 But if Adam took the nitro to the past, 1763 01:21:56,760 --> 01:21:58,410 then it exists here in the future. 1764 01:22:01,760 --> 01:22:03,091 Holy shit! 1765 01:22:04,160 --> 01:22:05,161 There's still time. 1766 01:22:05,440 --> 01:22:07,010 - Jacob! - Let's go! 1767 01:22:09,080 --> 01:22:11,128 We gotta go back to the past to save the future. 1768 01:22:11,280 --> 01:22:12,327 What does this remind you of? 1769 01:22:12,440 --> 01:22:13,420 Terminator. 1770 01:22:13,520 --> 01:22:14,780 - Always Terminator. - Always Terminator. I know. 1771 01:22:14,880 --> 01:22:16,086 Let's go save Lou's life. 1772 01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:17,440 High five. 1773 01:22:17,680 --> 01:22:18,761 High five. 1774 01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:28,020 This is my favorite part! 1775 01:22:28,120 --> 01:22:29,451 Here we go! Here we go! 1776 01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:46,122 - I think we made it! - Let's go! 1777 01:22:46,360 --> 01:22:47,486 - Let's go! - Okay. 1778 01:22:53,120 --> 01:22:54,804 It's the party. And there's still time! 1779 01:22:55,040 --> 01:22:57,247 He's gotta be around here somewhere! 1780 01:22:57,880 --> 01:23:00,360 We are live! 1781 01:23:00,960 --> 01:23:03,167 From Lougle Mansion. 1782 01:23:03,640 --> 01:23:08,328 Worth 2.3 billion dollars, introducing 1783 01:23:09,000 --> 01:23:12,900 Lou "the Violator" 1784 01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:14,650 Dorchen! 1785 01:23:25,240 --> 01:23:26,765 - Hey, everybody. - Lou! 1786 01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:31,660 Lou, I found him. 1787 01:23:31,760 --> 01:23:33,250 I'm going to shoot you in the dick 1788 01:23:33,360 --> 01:23:35,460 so you can't fuck anyone else's wife! 1789 01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,820 Technically, you all aren't married yet, 1790 01:23:36,920 --> 01:23:38,740 - so she's not your wife. - Yes, she is! 1791 01:23:38,840 --> 01:23:40,980 Adam, I hate to be a stickler, but you guys haven't met yet. 1792 01:23:41,080 --> 01:23:42,100 - It's 2015. - Shut the fuck up! 1793 01:23:42,200 --> 01:23:43,281 - Mazel tov! - Congratulations! 1794 01:23:47,520 --> 01:23:49,841 What are you doing? What are you doing? 1795 01:23:50,200 --> 01:23:52,202 It's probably pretty hard to shoot a man, right? 1796 01:23:52,680 --> 01:23:53,660 Don't. 1797 01:23:53,760 --> 01:23:56,206 It's okay. It's okay. Watch. 1798 01:23:57,040 --> 01:23:59,805 I'm just gonna make it easier on you. Look. 1799 01:24:02,880 --> 01:24:05,281 - Shotgun to the dick. - His destiny. 1800 01:24:05,720 --> 01:24:07,722 I turned you into a murderer. 1801 01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:09,500 I've just ruined my own life. 1802 01:24:09,600 --> 01:24:12,460 I have so much fuckin' poison in me that I've ruined yours, too. 1803 01:24:12,560 --> 01:24:13,891 Jacob was right. 1804 01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,725 I'm a virus. 1805 01:24:16,720 --> 01:24:19,564 This is your revenge to take. Okay? 1806 01:24:20,560 --> 01:24:21,800 Please. 1807 01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:26,651 I've seen my future. 1808 01:24:26,880 --> 01:24:28,564 You saw it. I'm a disaster. 1809 01:24:29,560 --> 01:24:30,561 It's okay. 1810 01:24:30,880 --> 01:24:33,980 Just kill me and put us both out of our misery? 1811 01:24:34,080 --> 01:24:35,241 Please. 1812 01:24:35,400 --> 01:24:38,165 I can't. I can't do it. 1813 01:24:38,320 --> 01:24:40,607 Jesus Christ, do I have to fucking do everything? 1814 01:24:41,480 --> 01:24:42,481 Lou... 1815 01:24:43,240 --> 01:24:44,241 No! 1816 01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:50,131 You okay? 1817 01:24:52,920 --> 01:24:54,684 You're fucking crazy, Lou. 1818 01:25:02,840 --> 01:25:04,490 I'm sorry, I may have shit my pants. 1819 01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:06,340 That's all right. It was a stressful situation. 1820 01:25:06,440 --> 01:25:08,522 It was really stressful. I'm exhausted. 1821 01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:11,125 - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry. 1822 01:25:11,760 --> 01:25:12,807 Jill? 1823 01:25:12,920 --> 01:25:14,410 How did you know my... 1824 01:25:15,280 --> 01:25:16,220 My nametag. 1825 01:25:16,320 --> 01:25:18,004 No, no, it's because you're my... 1826 01:25:20,040 --> 01:25:22,805 I'm sorry. This is just... This is weird. 1827 01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:26,648 Up until yesterday, I thought I had a normal life. 1828 01:25:26,880 --> 01:25:28,340 I know what you mean. I... 1829 01:25:28,440 --> 01:25:31,700 Have you ever felt like your entire life was a fraud? 1830 01:25:31,800 --> 01:25:33,802 I'm sorry. "Fraud" is the wrong word. "Lie"? 1831 01:25:37,480 --> 01:25:38,460 I'm Adam. 1832 01:25:38,560 --> 01:25:40,847 - I'm... - Jill. I know. 1833 01:25:41,360 --> 01:25:42,805 Lovely tuxedo you're wearing. 1834 01:25:43,000 --> 01:25:45,207 Thank you. Well, it's for our... 1835 01:25:50,800 --> 01:25:51,881 Forgot what I was going to say. 1836 01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,140 Well, that was exciting. 1837 01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,481 I guess it's not a Lougle party until somebody gets shot at. 1838 01:26:04,760 --> 01:26:05,820 I don't want to go to the Grammys. 1839 01:26:05,920 --> 01:26:06,940 No? 1840 01:26:07,040 --> 01:26:08,530 I don't wanna go to your sister's either. 1841 01:26:08,680 --> 01:26:10,330 I just want to go somewhere, just you and me. 1842 01:26:11,680 --> 01:26:13,045 Start making things right. 1843 01:26:14,360 --> 01:26:16,408 I like that. Okay. 1844 01:26:16,720 --> 01:26:18,165 And I want to get out of this shirt. 1845 01:26:18,400 --> 01:26:20,846 I've been in it for, like, 3 days, and it's really loud. 1846 01:26:22,280 --> 01:26:23,620 Come here. 1847 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:25,882 Put your arms up for a sec, like that. 1848 01:26:26,880 --> 01:26:29,565 Is this a dance or something? 1849 01:26:29,840 --> 01:26:31,842 Something like that. More of a strut. 1850 01:26:32,240 --> 01:26:33,571 I'm coming in. 1851 01:26:33,680 --> 01:26:34,841 Okay. 1852 01:26:35,560 --> 01:26:37,927 - There it is. Yeah. - Okay. 1853 01:26:38,800 --> 01:26:40,220 This is some stupid shit. 1854 01:26:40,320 --> 01:26:42,084 You have no idea. 1855 01:26:43,520 --> 01:26:45,020 Did I just hear fireworks? 1856 01:26:45,120 --> 01:26:47,521 Because fireworks make me want to puke, and you know that. 1857 01:27:01,080 --> 01:27:02,570 Why are you more handsome? 1858 01:27:03,560 --> 01:27:05,300 I'm a bald person. 1859 01:27:05,400 --> 01:27:06,380 Hey. 1860 01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:08,960 What do you think about doing a 12-step program with me? 1861 01:27:09,920 --> 01:27:12,620 You know, like, go to an awesome rehab 1862 01:27:12,720 --> 01:27:16,441 with good food and a pool and classy people. 1863 01:27:18,480 --> 01:27:19,641 What do you think? 1864 01:27:20,960 --> 01:27:22,450 - Okay. - Yeah? 1865 01:27:23,120 --> 01:27:24,610 I fucking hate you, Lou. 1866 01:27:24,920 --> 01:27:26,285 I fucking hate you, Kelly. 1867 01:27:30,280 --> 01:27:32,487 Sophie! Hey! Where are you going? 1868 01:27:32,600 --> 01:27:35,580 People are shooting each other. I'm getting out of here. 1869 01:27:35,680 --> 01:27:36,700 Okay. Here's the thing, Soph, 1870 01:27:36,800 --> 01:27:38,820 I've seen our future together and I will be the first person 1871 01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,922 to admit that it is fucking insane. 1872 01:27:41,080 --> 01:27:42,740 The drugs, the constant partying. 1873 01:27:42,840 --> 01:27:45,127 It's enough to make anybody ask, "When is enough enough?" 1874 01:27:45,280 --> 01:27:46,327 What are you talking about? 1875 01:27:46,440 --> 01:27:47,540 Just stay with me here. Just stay with me. 1876 01:27:47,640 --> 01:27:48,971 Did you change? 1877 01:27:49,080 --> 01:27:52,220 Yeah, in so many ways. But, listen, right in the middle of that future 1878 01:27:52,320 --> 01:27:55,324 is this toxic power couple named you and me. 1879 01:27:55,440 --> 01:27:57,180 And does it all end in tragedy and tears 1880 01:27:57,280 --> 01:27:59,408 and a murder mystery? Yes, of course it does. 1881 01:27:59,600 --> 01:28:00,965 But I don't care. 1882 01:28:01,160 --> 01:28:02,924 I just got one question, Sophie. 1883 01:28:03,960 --> 01:28:05,644 Are you ready for the ride of your fucking life? 1884 01:28:20,280 --> 01:28:23,171 - What's that in your pocket? - My dick. 1885 01:28:24,600 --> 01:28:25,681 The other thing. 1886 01:28:26,680 --> 01:28:29,160 A billion fucking dollars. 1887 01:28:31,640 --> 01:28:34,041 Hey, I just met my future wife in there. 1888 01:28:34,320 --> 01:28:36,971 Yeah, man. Hang out with us, that kind of shit happens all the time. 1889 01:28:37,160 --> 01:28:39,162 Yeah. A lot of highs and lows here. 1890 01:28:39,360 --> 01:28:40,850 - Yeah. - You know, when you think about it, 1891 01:28:40,960 --> 01:28:43,122 Lou had to fuck your wife in the future, 1892 01:28:43,240 --> 01:28:44,571 so you could meet her in the past. 1893 01:28:45,040 --> 01:28:47,122 - Well... - Yeah. But, hey... 1894 01:28:47,680 --> 01:28:48,920 That's what uncles do, right? 1895 01:28:50,840 --> 01:28:51,841 Not really. 1896 01:28:52,800 --> 01:28:53,780 Hey, just think of it this way. 1897 01:28:53,880 --> 01:28:55,370 Since it happened in the future, 1898 01:28:55,480 --> 01:28:57,084 it technically hasn't happened at all. 1899 01:28:57,400 --> 01:28:59,060 It's cyclical. 1900 01:28:59,160 --> 01:29:01,220 Yeah. And even though I didn't meet my dad, 1901 01:29:01,320 --> 01:29:03,060 I met some friends for life. 1902 01:29:03,160 --> 01:29:04,161 Yeah? Who? 1903 01:29:04,440 --> 01:29:06,761 - Hey, Lou? - Uncle Lou. 1904 01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:09,000 Uncle Lou. 1905 01:29:09,760 --> 01:29:12,580 No harm, no foul, but did you ejaculate in her? 1906 01:29:12,680 --> 01:29:14,682 Hey. That doesn't matter. 1907 01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:17,122 I ejaculated inside of you. 1908 01:29:17,360 --> 01:29:18,600 And that doesn't matter either. 1909 01:29:18,720 --> 01:29:21,500 Because those are both just hypothetical future scenarios. 1910 01:29:21,600 --> 01:29:23,807 No one ejaculated inside of anything, really. 1911 01:29:23,920 --> 01:29:25,046 No one's ejaculated. 1912 01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:26,180 Yeah, I did. 1913 01:29:26,280 --> 01:29:27,281 You know what? 1914 01:29:27,600 --> 01:29:29,204 I had this moment earlier. 1915 01:29:31,120 --> 01:29:33,441 I think it was when my nephew from the future 1916 01:29:33,560 --> 01:29:36,281 had a shotgun pointed at my dick that I'd helped him place there. 1917 01:29:37,600 --> 01:29:38,931 That was me. 1918 01:29:39,120 --> 01:29:42,966 But in that moment, everything became clear to me. 1919 01:29:43,120 --> 01:29:45,122 We need to change people's lives. 1920 01:29:45,280 --> 01:29:47,123 Make the world a better place. 1921 01:29:47,760 --> 01:29:50,001 All we have to do is... 1922 01:29:54,960 --> 01:29:56,291 Lou! 1923 01:29:56,880 --> 01:29:58,370 Don't listen to anything he says. 1924 01:29:58,680 --> 01:29:59,727 Adam? 1925 01:29:59,960 --> 01:30:01,803 What the fuck? You shot Lou! 1926 01:30:01,920 --> 01:30:03,524 Dad? 1927 01:30:03,960 --> 01:30:04,961 What's going on? 1928 01:30:05,320 --> 01:30:07,100 No time to explain. Follow me. 1929 01:30:07,200 --> 01:30:08,725 To where? 1930 01:30:09,480 --> 01:30:10,527 Cincinnati. 1931 01:30:10,840 --> 01:30:12,285 No, no, Dad, wait! 1932 01:30:13,360 --> 01:30:15,283 Why did my dad just kill Lou? 1933 01:30:18,640 --> 01:30:20,847 - He probably had an okay reason. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1934 01:30:21,000 --> 01:30:22,843 Wait! Don't go with Adam! 1935 01:30:27,080 --> 01:30:28,140 Patriot Lou. 1936 01:30:28,240 --> 01:30:29,420 Are those wooden teeth? 1937 01:30:29,520 --> 01:30:32,171 He looks like Cap'n Crunch fucked Paul Revere. 1938 01:30:32,280 --> 01:30:33,900 His hair's breathtaking. 1939 01:30:34,000 --> 01:30:35,206 It's beautiful. 1940 01:30:36,320 --> 01:30:38,260 - Don't listen to him. - Why? 1941 01:30:38,360 --> 01:30:40,060 It's a long story. 1942 01:30:40,160 --> 01:30:41,580 Believe me, he did us all a favor. 1943 01:30:41,680 --> 01:30:43,260 This one was bad. 1944 01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:45,100 Okay. The bigger question is, how... 1945 01:30:45,200 --> 01:30:47,060 That's not the only me. You think you're the only you? 1946 01:30:47,160 --> 01:30:48,889 There's a ton of yous out there. 1947 01:30:49,080 --> 01:30:51,180 Look, you're gonna like this me a lot better. 1948 01:30:51,280 --> 01:30:52,930 This me is great. Take it from me. 1949 01:30:53,160 --> 01:30:54,321 Holy shit. 1950 01:30:55,480 --> 01:30:57,005 I mean, you guys get it, right? 1951 01:30:57,760 --> 01:31:00,161 Multiple universes, like Fringe. 1952 01:31:02,720 --> 01:31:03,780 Nerd 1953 01:31:03,880 --> 01:31:06,780 You're a fucking nerd 1954 01:31:06,880 --> 01:31:08,041 Poindexter 1955 01:31:08,200 --> 01:31:10,407 You're a fucking nerd 1956 01:31:10,560 --> 01:31:12,100 And no one likes you 1957 01:31:12,200 --> 01:31:13,201 You're a nerd You're a nerd... 1958 01:31:13,320 --> 01:31:14,460 And no one likes you 1959 01:31:14,560 --> 01:31:16,020 You suck each other's dicks 1960 01:31:16,120 --> 01:31:17,220 - Whoa! - What? 1961 01:31:17,320 --> 01:31:18,300 Let's... 1962 01:31:18,400 --> 01:31:19,731 I'm sorry. 1963 01:31:20,040 --> 01:31:22,180 Obviously not the direction of the song, right? 1964 01:31:22,280 --> 01:31:25,170 I totally misread that song. My apologies. 1965 01:31:25,720 --> 01:31:27,085 Okay, so what now? 1966 01:31:27,480 --> 01:31:28,811 Yeah. You guys gotta come with me. 1967 01:31:28,920 --> 01:31:30,081 To where? 1968 01:31:32,160 --> 01:31:34,481 We gotta make America happen, bro. 1969 01:31:37,360 --> 01:31:38,660 Ready for another dip? 1970 01:31:38,760 --> 01:31:40,100 You know, you're not gonna be super welcome there, 1971 01:31:40,200 --> 01:31:41,660 - but we should totally go. - I know. 1972 01:31:41,760 --> 01:31:43,000 - Are we going? - Yeah. 1973 01:31:59,520 --> 01:32:00,980 Adam saved Lincoln! 1974 01:32:01,080 --> 01:32:04,260 That parade was the single greatest moment of my life. 1975 01:32:04,360 --> 01:32:05,420 More so than saving Lincoln? 1976 01:32:05,520 --> 01:32:06,851 No, that was the third greatest moment of my life. 1977 01:32:07,200 --> 01:32:08,140 What was the second? 1978 01:32:08,240 --> 01:32:09,810 A parade I attended as a child. 1979 01:32:14,760 --> 01:32:15,780 Shit, you guys. 1980 01:32:15,880 --> 01:32:17,689 I left my phone back in the 1800s. 1981 01:32:17,880 --> 01:32:19,370 I fed some gum to a dinosaur. 1982 01:32:19,520 --> 01:32:21,363 As long as we're coming clean, I fucked Marilyn Monroe. 1983 01:32:22,800 --> 01:32:24,643 Yeah. Sure you did, buddy. 1984 01:32:28,560 --> 01:32:30,562 Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh? 1985 01:32:30,720 --> 01:32:31,960 I'm Arthur Miller. 1986 01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:34,446 Come... Come on! 1987 01:32:40,560 --> 01:32:41,500 You look like... 1988 01:32:41,600 --> 01:32:43,260 - Come on, baby. You got this. - Let him do it. 1989 01:32:43,360 --> 01:32:44,900 - Let him do it. - We'll let him do it. 1990 01:32:45,000 --> 01:32:46,780 Come on. Something fucked something to make it happen. 1991 01:32:46,880 --> 01:32:49,140 It's easy. You just mash two things up together 1992 01:32:49,240 --> 01:32:50,180 and then you nail him with it. 1993 01:32:50,280 --> 01:32:52,965 You look like... Kevin Yardley! 1994 01:32:53,080 --> 01:32:54,491 Who the fuck is Kevin Yardley? 1995 01:32:54,680 --> 01:32:56,900 A guy I went to high school with. Yeah, he looks just like him. 1996 01:32:57,000 --> 01:32:59,651 Boo! You suck at this! 1997 01:33:04,800 --> 01:33:06,900 I just get sick of explaining it to him. 1998 01:33:07,000 --> 01:33:08,740 How hard is it to understand time travel? 1999 01:33:08,840 --> 01:33:11,300 I mean, we get it. E equals MC squared. 2000 01:33:11,400 --> 01:33:12,940 Einstein's a stupid fucking idiot. 2001 01:33:13,040 --> 01:33:14,041 - Right? - Yeah. 2002 01:33:17,600 --> 01:33:19,887 Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles! 2003 01:33:23,520 --> 01:33:25,180 You're fucking Ringo! 2004 01:33:25,280 --> 01:33:26,281 Damn it. 2005 01:33:29,680 --> 01:33:33,048 Apple is going to reinvent the phone. 2006 01:33:36,560 --> 01:33:37,540 Explain yourself. 2007 01:33:37,640 --> 01:33:38,971 I will not. 2008 01:33:39,800 --> 01:33:40,801 I'm Nick Webber. 2009 01:33:40,920 --> 01:33:41,900 I'm Jacob Dorchen. 2010 01:33:42,000 --> 01:33:43,420 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 2011 01:33:43,520 --> 01:33:44,660 I'm Lou Dorchen. 2012 01:33:44,760 --> 01:33:49,084 All that and one less minute tonight on 59 Minutes. 2013 01:33:55,040 --> 01:33:57,202 - Yes! - The moon! 2014 01:33:57,400 --> 01:33:59,482 First man to save a President and go into space. 2015 01:33:59,600 --> 01:34:01,500 It was just a soundstage in New Mexico. 2016 01:34:01,600 --> 01:34:03,125 It wasn't real. 2017 01:34:11,240 --> 01:34:12,660 You knew that was gonna happen! 2018 01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,380 What did I keep saying? Protect the ears. 2019 01:34:14,480 --> 01:34:15,811 He was beating the shit out of me! 2020 01:34:16,480 --> 01:34:18,244 Dorchen does it again! 2021 01:34:19,400 --> 01:34:20,970 Unbelievable! 2022 01:34:22,280 --> 01:34:24,726 Nothing but net. Nothing but net. 2023 01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,922 - You're just gonna keep saying... - Nothing but net! 2024 01:34:31,920 --> 01:34:34,526 You're a fucking nerd 2025 01:34:34,920 --> 01:34:37,082 Come on. No way! I had sex with Marilyn Monroe! 2026 01:34:37,320 --> 01:34:38,924 - You're a fucking nerd - You're a nerd You're a nerd 2027 01:34:39,160 --> 01:34:40,366 Stop singing the song! 2028 01:34:40,520 --> 01:34:41,851 - Nobody likes you - Poindexter 2029 01:34:42,000 --> 01:34:44,082 I won't listen to this song one more fuckin' time! 2030 01:34:44,400 --> 01:34:45,401 No, no!217745

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