Original subtitles

Freaks and Geeks S01E07 Carded and Discarded (VO)

There's 2 ways you can look at anything in this life.

Take my job, for instance.

I could get up every morning and go...

"I don't wanna go and help a bunch of kids.

I'm tired." But I don't.

I get up and put on my shirt and my tie,

and I say, "hot dog, let me at 'em!"

Do you actually say the words "hot dog"?

Yes, I do.

I know you're struggling.

That's what they made guidance counsellors for... To help you.

I understand you've just been through puberty.

You guys are tall.

I'm surprised you fit through that door, quite frankly. OK?

A lot of times you might see, maybe you're taking a shower or something,

and you go, "What are these?" "What's that?"

But you feel alone and confused,

and you don't think anyone understands.

Well, I do.

Lots of people do,

even Mr. Alice Cooper.

Bet you don't think he's a square, do you?

No, man. Alice Cooper rocks.

Do you know this song?

Lines form on my face and hands

Lines form from the ups and downs

I'm in the middle without any plans

I'm a boy - or girl - and I'm a man - or woman.

I'm eighteen

I get confused every day

Eighteen, I just don't know what to say

Eighteen, I gotta get away

Come on, Nick, fill in those drums there, will ya?

You guys know what I'm talkin' about? Is this making any sense at all?

I think it is.

- Oh, my god. - That was brutal.

I've never hated Alice Cooper as much as I do right now.

Guys, Mr. Rosso's really good at the guitar.

Some of those chords are hard.

What? You're not gonna sing again, are you?

No. I was having fun in there, but I'm worried about you.

- Why? - Because you're not one of them.

You're a different breed.

I'm just worried because, before you know it,

you're gonna have to start applying for colleges.

And if you keep going the way you're going,

some of those colleges may not want you.

Well, maybe I don't want them.

You know, not everybody in this world has to go to college.

You know who didn't go to college? Einstein.

Thomas Edison.

Frank.

- Frank who? - The dude who pumps my gas.

Just saying.

Lindsay, aunt Judy and uncle Gary sent you a birthday card.

What is it?

Oh, my god.

They sent me $300 for my college fund.

Through the mail? She's lucky that wasn't intercepted

by some junkie working for the post office.

Kids, your dad has a little treat for us tonight. Harold?

Oh, yes. I was visiting Mr. Prieh at his store today.

And he was selling a game that my family and I used to play

when I was a kid... Every Friday night.

Pit.

Sounds like fun.

It is.

It's a stock-trading game. We all yell at each other

trying to get the other players to trade stocks with us.

We sit around the table and you yell at us?

You do that every night.

I think it sounds like fun.

Well, have a good time. I'm gonna go out on Friday night.

Me, too.

You know what?

I'm sick and tired of you two

acting as though you don't belong to a family.

You act like you're staying at a hotel

and we're your employees.

Well, guess what? We are not your employees.

We're your parents.

Now, we created you, and we deserve respect.

We respect you.

Oh, you can hardly stand to be around us.

When you two were kids, you used to run around naked

and lay in bed with us all night.

We bathed you,

and we cleaned your butts, and we loved it.

Now we try to pat you on the head,

and you run for the hills.

Well, I'm fed up.

We are gonna be close from now on, whether you like it or not.

We are gonna spend quality time together,

and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!

The Weirs are playing pit this Friday.

Get used to it.

Natural selection is a process

in which weak and inferior genes

are weeded out of the gene pool.

Many of you may know this concept by its more popular nom de plume...

Survival of the fittest.

That might be Mr. Darwin now.

I'm Maureen Sampson.

I'm a transfer student.

Well, grab a free seat.

Always room for another head on the chopping block.

I saw Ronald Reagan kissing a monkey on TV last night.

On the news?

No, no, no. It was in a movie. He's a pretty good actor.

So was the monkey...

I'm sorry. Is this your table?

Well, we don't own it, but we kinda sit here every day.

- I can sit somewhere else. - No, please.

Join us.

So. Where did you come from?

Florida. My dad was transferred here to work for General Motors.

Really? My dad drives a Coupe deVille,

so we're practically related.

So, are people nice here?

Sometimes.

You gotta be careful who you hang out with.

There are a lot of characters in this school.

So, we saw you in our biology class.

How did you like it?

It was OK. Teacher seemed kinda weird, though.

Once he ran over an old lady, and then he blamed it on his car.

He said the accelerator got stuck.

Really? We had this teacher at our school,

this guy broke into his house, so the teacher shot him.

- With a gun? - Yeah, but he didn't go to jail,

'cause I guess if someone breaks into your house,

you're allowed to shoot him.

Our shop teacher got his hair caught in a lathe

and then he got his whole scalp torn off and now he has to wear a wig.

Our shop teacher got his pinky cut off by the radial arm saw.

When they tried to sew it back on, it didn't fit.

So now everyone calls him Pinky Tuscadero.

I'm really glad I sat here. You guys are nice.

You're really nice.

Would you mind showing me the ropes around here?

Sure. We could... Show you the ropes.

But if I start bugging you, please, be sure and let me know.

Oh, don't worry.

We'd never let you bug us.

Every old person thinks they're so smart.

What, there's, like, no old dumb people?

I just wanna be older so I can go to bars.

Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

No kidding, man.

I hear there's this kick-ass band called Feedback

playing at the Rusty Nail tomorrow night.

But they're gonna card, so I can't... What can I do?

Well, maybe I'll go.

You'd better shut up.

Just 'cause you got a fake ID, don't go lording it over the rest of us.

You have a fake ID?

Yeah. You wanna check it out?

It's my cousin's old driver's license.

Oh, my god. This looks exactly like you.

I know.

Except it says you're 24.

So?

I look mature. Nobody ever stops me.

Daniel, do you have one?

Some stupid bouncer asked what my star sign was.

I didn't know, so he snagged it.

Aw. It's capricorn! Cancer!

Capricorn!

Dude, I hate astrology.

What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

Hey, you guys.

We should get fake Ids and go see Feedback.

Howie Gelfand sells fake Ids,

but they cost like, a ton of money.

I ain't got that kind of cash.

Well, it just so happens that...

I came into a little bit of cash.

I could lend you guys some.

Well, well, well.

I don't know why, but I'm liking her more and more every day.

Join the club.

What are you... I'm just saying...

Hey, Harris. Hey, Gordon. You met our new friend Maureen?

Are you new at our school?

Stop by the AV room. We got a new beta machine.

Thank you, Harris. But we're late.

Maureen, tomorrow's pizza day in the cafeteria.

It's made out of real tomato sauce and everything.

So, what are you guys doing after school? Want to do something?

OK. Great. I don't have to be home until dinner.

I don't have to be home ever.

Howie?

You come and take care of these fine young people.

We need some fake Ids.

I work here. Come here.

I mean, we need some slacks.

Hello? All right.

How many do you guys need?

Four.

Didn't I just get you one? You lose it already?

Yeah. I'm not into astrology, OK?

Astrology. It's not astrology.

It's you, man. It's facts, it's who you're supposed to be.

June, cancer. Libra, october. Capricorn, december.

Know it. 1958. You are them.

You gonna give us the IDs or not?

Who's the chick?

Hey, her name is Lindsay, all right?

Sorry, Bill Laimbeer. You got some good timing.

Just about to get a shipment of genuine Canadian drivers' licenses.

Canadian?

I need to look at your faces, memorize them... So I can find a match.

Brown eyes, brown hair.

Brown eyes, brown hair.

Brown eyes, lovely brown hair.

Brown eyes, brown hair.

OK. I got it.

It's a 100 bucks. Half in advance.

Half of what?

I got it.

A chick with money. You got good taste, stretch.

Excuse me. Hey, gelfand. You know what?

There's a box of Parisian nightsuits in the back,

and they're not gonna unpack themselves.

I'll be there in one second.

I'm just helping these customers.

These look great, sir. I'll see you guys at 11:00?

Great. Thanks a lot.

Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?

What? So I got a big rocket.

What am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

There she is.

She is beautiful.

I can't believe she's gonna hang out with us.

What if I'm asleep right now and this is just a dream,

and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love?

Then what are we doing here?

Maybe this is my nightmare.

Oh, my god, she's running to get to us.

Hi, guys!

- Hey, Maureen. - Your rockets look great.

God, Bill, your rocket's huge.

Oh, it is? I hadn't noticed.

I never launched a rocket before. This is gonna be fun.

Cape Canaveral, ready for lift off.

Ready to launch this thing?

Heck, yeah.

So, going to the Rusty Nail with Nick.

This is gonna be, like, your guys' first real date, huh?

I don't know. Not really.

We're not going out or anything.

Yeah, but you're definitely more than friends.

I don't know.

We only kissed once, and it's not... It's not a big deal.

There's a real connection, man. I'm telling you guys, she likes me.

So are you guys, like, a couple now?

We're not into labelling things, you know?

We have a more mature relationship than that.

Let's just say we have an understanding.

Well, I'm glad you have an understanding,

'cause I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

So, is this what having a girlfriend is gonna be like?

She's your best friend and she's beautiful

and you can say and do anything in front of her?

My dad always says that's what women want you to think before marriage.

That's how they suck you in.

She's the kind of woman you could cut the cheese in front of.

Oh, yeah, Bill, that's what love is all about.

It is.

I mean, you couldn't be in love with someone if you couldn't.

Think about it.

That is true.

You have to sleep with your wife every night of your life.

If you couldn't blast one in bed, you'd get physically ill.

Oh, come on, guys. You can't fart in front of a woman.

You think you get up and run outside every time you have to let one rip?

You'd never get any sleep.

I think I might like Maureen, too.

I thought you liked Cindy Sanders.

I mean, I do, but, you know, Maureen talks to us.

She's not as scary.

No. I'm asking her out.

She clearly likes me best.

How do you know?

You see the way she looks at me? She can barely contain herself.

You just happen to be looking at her every time she's thinking about me.

OK. We're all in love with her, and Maureen likes all of us.

So all we have to do now is decide who gets her.

How do we do that?

The same way we decided who had to stand in line

for The Empire Strikes Back tickets.

I'll get the hat.

Sam, excited about the big pit game on Friday?

Well, I guess I have to be.

Honey, can you come in here for a minute?

- I like pit. - You don't even know what pit is.

Honey,

you cannot force these kids to spend time with us.

Did you know that in some cultures, if your children shame you,

you're allowed to have them executed?

- Well, I feel shamed. - Oh, Harold.

I'm not swinging an ax. I just want them to play pit with me.

Is that so horrible?

Honey, it's like that old saying...

If you love something, set it free.

Maybe if we try not to force it, they'll come to us.

- Well, all right. - There you go.

They're free. Let 'em free. Let 'em go.

- See? - Get back here.

- All right, Bill, you pick. - Wait. Why does he get to pick?

Because I don't trust you.

Just pick fast. Don't try to feel around for your paper.

I'm not. I'm just trying to pick one.

Quit being so paranoid.

OK. Now, we know that the words on this paper

could potentially change our lives. I don't want any...

Come on. Just open the paper.

Oh, no. Not him.

I'm the happiest man in the world.

Great, Bill. Now you can go and fart in front of her.

You'll make quite the impression.

Wait a minute. He wet his paper with spit.

What?

That's how he wins every time. He just feels for the wet one.

Mrs. Maureen Haverchuck.

Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

How are we this morning?

I've got some brochures from some ivy league schools.

Several are in color.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Because it's my job.

I'm a guidance counselor. I'm trying to guide you.

Well, guide someone else.

I heard the words, but your eyes said something else.

They said, "I'm lost. I need your help.

Don't listen to me. Guide me."

I don't need your help.

Tell you what. Why don't I just come and visit you then in the prison...

Where you'll be living... And give you some really good advice,

like should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall?

When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it?

That'd be a great way to do my job, don't you think?

Only time will tell. See you at the prison yard.

All right. Ready to get yourself a new girlfriend?

Never been readier.

What are you gonna say to her?

I don't know. I'm just gonna let the love... flow.

God, this is so unfair.

Here she comes.

I gotta get something out of my locker.

What are you doing? Go on.

I told you guys. That's why you should have let me have her.

I know what to say to a woman.

She's... talking to Vicki.

How do you like it?

It's great. I've met some really nice people.

- What's wrong? - What's wrong?

The minute she starts getting with that crowd, we'll never see her again.

You think she'll hang out with us after all those jocks and cheerleaders?

- Why wouldn't she? - Because they're pod people.

It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

They'll make her one of them.

We'll see her in a week, and she'll be all...

Oh, man!

We've gotta get her away from Vicki!

What're we gonna do?

Oh! Eli! Eli, come here.

Oh, hi! Hi, Bill! Hi, Neal! Hi, Sam!

Vicki Appleby told me she doesn't think Three's Company is funny.

But it's the funniest show on TV!

I know. That's what I told her, but...

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Do you cheerlead?

- No, I... - Excuse me.

Three's Company is the best show on TV.

- Really? - Yes.

The Ropers don't want Jack living with 2 girls

because he doesn't want any dirty stuff going on in his apartment building.

There was this scene where Jack had lost his voice...

Maureen, do you wanna come to class with us?

Oh. Sure. Talk to you later, Vicki.

So, which class are you headed to?

- Social studies. - Cool. We're going there, too.

Cool.

Congratulations, everybody.

You're all of age.

Who the hell is "Jesus H. Garcia"?

It's "hey-zoos". It's your new identity.

Tell me that picture doesn't look like you.

This picture doesn't look like me, man.

Sure it does.

Well, it's gotta be better than mine. Mine looks kinda Chinese.

Yeah. Hey, mine looks Chinese, too. What's going on with that?

There's a big Vietnamese community up there in Alberta.

This says I'm 29.

That doesn't matter. Mine says I'm 34. I have no problems. It's fine.

Why don't you give us the money back?

That's top-grade stuff. You don't get refunds.

Give us the money back, all right?

All right.

It's hard to find matches for you guys. No one in Canada looks like you.

You know what? I think I'm gonna go with Jesus here.

I think I can pull it off.

Finally, a sane man. God, this is...

Oh, guys, by the way...

Tomorrow, at Silverman's, we're having a big sale,

half off on all dress shirts.

Maybe you guys come by, I'll hook you up. Be nice.

- Oh, thanks, Howie. - Yeah. Thanks for nothing.

Wait. That's it? We don't have IDs,

and the band's playing tonight.

- That was my only connection. - Yeah. I don't know anybody.

Wait. I think I might.

Maybe we can split up the day

so at least one of us is with her between each class.

That way we can make sure she doesn't talk to anyone but us.

It's Vicki.

Where's Eli?

Sam, quick, go talk to her about Three's Company.

Maureen!

You wanna come sit with us?

Oh. Yeah. I'll talk to you in algebra.

Oh, you got pudding.

I like pudding, too.

I like it when it's been sitting around for a while,

and it gets that skin on the top.

Hi, Maureen. Good to see you again.

How's your day going?

Great. I've met tons of new people.

- What are you doing this weekend? - Vicki invited me to a party.

That's gonna be fun, huh?

Wasn't that nice of her?

Hey... Millie...

What's going on?

Nothing. Just going to mathlete practice.

Having a scrimmage against Mount Clemon next week.

You wanna come?

No, thanks.

Do you ever talk to your cousin Toby anymore?

No way. Not since he went to jail.

- He's in jail? - He was.

He got caught stealing hood ornaments off of cars.

They weren't gonna lock him up, but he called the policeman a bad word.

Does he still make fake IDs?

I don't know. My family doesn't talk to him anymore.

He was dropped on the head when he was a baby.

That's why we think he's a bad seed.

Why do you want a fake ID? So you can go get loaded?

No. Millie, I just wanna hear this band play.

That's why there's records.

Do you have his number?

I'm not gonna be an accessory to this crime.

You know where he lives. Do it yourself.

I heard the drinking age is something like 10 in Idaho.

Well, I don't think that's right.

Wait. This is it.

How'd you say you know this guy?

He's Millie's cousin.

I used to know him when I was really little.

I think he's kinda scary now.

I think we can handle it.

The pharmacy's closed, all right? I don't got nothin'.

I got no stuff. Nothin'.

Go home.

We're here for the IDs?

Oh, the IDs. The IDs, yeah.

All right. Only one person is allowed in at a time.

One person. You, McMurphy, you come in.

You two stay.

- All right. - Hey, babies.

Don't play with that rooster!

Don't play with that rooster. That's not a nice, petty-pet rooster.

- I'm sorry. - No. You're the one who'll be sorry.

Very dangerous.

I understand. I'm sorry.

Hey, man, you got a lot of stereos.

Where'd you get all this?

Don't bother with that. Get away from there.

Get away from there, man.

Don't even look at that stuff.

Oh, cool, man! What's this?

I got a green thumb. Don't worry about it. Sit down.

Relax.

Oh, cool.

That looks pretty accurate.

It's a masterpiece.

What, you just made a stencil and put that on?

Yeah, you know.

You just go to any art supply store, you could get that stuff, huh?

And then you just... You need the laminating machine, right?

No, you can't just buy a laminating machine.

You can't just go into a store and buy one like it's a toaster.

Only corporations have that stuff. It's very expensive.

All right, man, it's show time.

You can't just get a laminating machine.

What, you wanna go to jail?

Now this is the hot spot.

All right...

And, you know... There's a window here, right?

There isn't actually one, but pretend that there is one,

and don't put your face out further than that, all right?

All right, not like this, you know, back.

Come back, you know?

There you go.

Good. And the hat, take the hat... You know, what's with the hat?

Good. Look like you've been waiting on line for 2 hours.

Look like you don't want to have your picture taken.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Why should I help you guys again?

You weren't gonna share her with me the other day.

Would you share her with us?

- Touch�. - So? What do we do?

She's gonna be at Vicki Appleby's party on Saturday.

You need to hang out with her on Friday.

Then, if you show her the time of her life, maybe... just maybe...

she will continue to base that life out of your lunch table.

What are our chances?

You don't want to know.

Where do we take her?

Well, there's only one thing that could compete with the Vicki Appleby party.

All-u-can-eat night at the Iron Horse restaurant.

- Of course. - So obvious.

To me it is.

My god, you... You are a beautiful girl.

- A woman. - Thanks.

When we were kids, you were really cute,

but, mean, I never thought you would turn out this hot.

You go to McKinley?

It's a pretty good school. I almost graduated from there a few years ago.

Oh, really?

You hungry or something? I have some Freihoffer's cookies.

Those are really hard to get, from the east coast.

- You want one? - No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

- Is this gonna take a long time? - Hey, be cool, man.

The laminating machine's gotta warm up.

You're not even supposed to be back here.

Broke my "one person at a time" rule.

All right, sorry.

Hey, wanna go see Yes at Cobo? I got tickets, I got...

You know, Richie Blackmore's Rainbow is opening up. We could catch up.

I don't think I can.

Yeah, you can, just...

All right, give me your phone number.

I'll call you up.

Well, um...

Hey, you know, actually, she's my girlfriend, man,

so do you think maybe you could stop hitting on her?

No, no she's not.

Yeah, I am his girlfriend.

Hey, man, that's not cool. That's not cool.

You know, now you make me feel like a fool for asking for your number.

No, you can have my phone number.

It's just that I have a boyfriend.

I don't need to ask. I could just get it from my cousin Millie, you know?

I was just being polite.

You know, let's just get this over with.

It's 75 each.

I thought you said it was 40 each.

- Did I? - I think so.

100 each.

Let's just do it and get it over with.

Look at how much hotter you look in this one

than in your real driver's license.

Whoa, is this one fake, too?

No, why?

Because it says you're 18.

So, was left back one year.

Well, I know.

But still, it wouldn't make you 18.

All right, I was left back twice.

OK, are you happy now?

There's no secrets between us.

All right.

18, that makes me jail bait.

You better watch out. I'm gonna call the cops on you.

Officer, I didn't know,

look at her, she looks like she's 30.

No I don't!

2-2-2-2-2-2.

2, 2 you want, 2 you have.

I have cornered the market on Barley.

What happened to the corn? I'm looking for corn, here.

I don't know where the corn went.

Hey, you two, come on, pull up a chair.

We have a lot of high-stakes trading going on right here in the pit.

- Dad, I told you I'm gonna go out. - Yeah, me, too.

See you later. Have a good night.

- Don't worry, we will! - Be careful, OK?

Let the trading begin.

I told you. We should have forced them to stay with us.

You want to keep playing pit?

No. This is a terrible game with just two people.

Nobody's home.

You wanna have a little sex?

Sex?

Well... OK.

Let's go.

In the bedroom.

So, how does this all work?

Well, we order a lot of food,

and then keep asking for more until they go out of business.

My mom says it takes a little while

for your stomach to tell your brain it's full. So you should eat really fast.

Yeah, but the only problem is, the service is really slow.

Yeah, they take forever on purpose, so you'll get full while you wait.

Watch how much bread they bring us.

Yeah, well, I'm here to eat ribs, lots of ribs.

Good evening. Welcome to the Iron Horse.

I hear service here is really bad 'cause you don't want us to eat much.

What? I don't own the place. I don't care how much you eat.

Are you sure?

No, actually, I'm a millionaire and I just do this for fun.

Really?

We just want our money's worth.

I'll bring 'em faster than you can eat 'em, but I want a 20% tip.

20? I thought 10 was the norm.

15 is standard. 20 is classy.

20 it is. Why are we still talking? I want some ribs.

This is gonna be the best night ever.

I hope so.

Oh, I forgot your bread.

See?

You see that show Different Strokes?

That little Gary Coleman, "what you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

He used to crack me up.

Man, I'm nervous.

Just do it like we discussed it. It's OK.

Hey, Jimmy, what's up?

- Hey, man. - Let's see some ID.

Really? OK.

I didn't know you guys were carding tonight. I hope I brought it.

The suspense is killing me.

There it is.

Being a sagittarius, I'm always forgetting these things.

- Go on. - Yeah, thanks.

Where's your mustache, Jesus?

It's hay-soos, and I shaved it.

Too bad. You looked better with it.

Gracias.

Se}or.

It's great you guys are carding. Makes me feel like a kid again.

Thank you.

Hey. How are you?

All right, come on in.

Do you want to see my ID?

No, you're good.

Those IDs look nuts!

Business must be pretty bad if we're supposed to let them in.

Where's the waitress when you need her?

Got to take advantage of this evening.

Oh, man, I'm excited.

We wouldn't be here without you. So thanks a lot, all right?

Good evening, everybody. Are you ready to rock?

Ready! Yeah!

Always ready to rock!

Then put your hands together for a little band we like to call...

Feedback!

I hope there's a lot of party people out there tonight,

'cause we are gonna party!

Jeez, I wonder if we'll ever see her again?

Sure, we'll see her plenty.

Sitting at the popular table.

No way. She's cool.

We'll be friends with her for a long time.

I hope so.

That's my dad. Better get going.

Thanks again.

You sure you don't want any money?

No, no, no, it's on us.

I had a really good time. We should do it again.

Yeah, that would be great.

See you guys later.

Specials are good.

How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

They're not bad.

All right! All right.

Hey, everybody!

I've got a great group of hard-working rockers

behind me right here, and I'd like to introduce them all to you, but first,

we have some special guests in the audience I'd like to introduce.

All the way from McKinley high school,

we've got the key members of another smokin' band we like to call "Creation."

Daniel Desario, Ken Miller, Nick Andopolis, Kim Kelly,

and their manager, miss Lindsay Weir.

Give 'em a big hand.

Hold on, sue, hold on.

I can't let you serve our guests plain old beer.

Why don't you bring them some of your finest pop,

on the house.

Finest pop.

Perfect.

Thanks.

I was just starting to like that guy, too.

The moment of truth.

Hey, guys.

Hey, do you mind if I go over and sit with those guys today?

No, no, not at all.

Do you want to come and sit with me?

Over there?

You don't have to sit here forever if you don't want to.

Yeah, but we like it here.

Yeah, go have fun with your friends.

We'll be here if you need us.

OK.

Oh, wait, before you do...

Just remember,

the jocks are only after one thing.

And be careful around Vicki. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

And remember, don't believe everything they say

about people in the school.

'cause they don't always take the time to get to know everyone.

Guys, I'm just sitting 3 tables over, I'm not moving back to Florida.

Well, we know.

- See you in biology class? - See you in biology class.

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

It is, by you, my good man.

Did you guys happen to see Three's Company last night?

It was so funny.

What happened?

I don't really remember, there was a lot going on.

Joyce DeWitt is really hot.

If I was Jack, I'd have a very hard time

choosing between the 2 lovely ladies on the show

because, you know, one's a brunette, one's a blonde...