All language subtitles for Episode 5 - Tests n Breasts

Freaks and Geeks S01E05 Tests and Breasts (VO)

"Puberty usually begins
between the ages of 11 and 14,

"when profound hormonal
changes occur.

"The onset of these changes
is the function

of a small gland
called the pituitary.

"This gland sends chemical signals
throughout the body,

"most notably resulting
in height increase,

and hair growth
in the genital area."

Hey, hey!
Knock it off!

You think this is funny?
Just try me.

OK, all right.

Here is a female
reproductive system.

"The uterus is composed
of 2 main parts..."

What the hell is that?

You think she's single?

- Looks like it's from outer space.
- Shut up.

Weir!

You have something to say?

When you get the clap 'cause you weren't
paying attention in health class,

is that gonna be funny, too?

I didn't think so.

"The cervix. It has
a fine canal running through it

opening into the cavity
of the uterus above."

Didn't Sigourney Weaver
kill that thing in Alien?

Quiet.

"During pregnancy..."

Remember when it popped
out of the guy's stomach?

Idiot, it jumped out
of his chest.

- Shut up.
- All right, Weir!

Since you seem to know everything,
I got a great idea.

Why don't I shut my big mouth,
and you come up to teach the class.

Sorry.

I said get up here.

Get up here! Let's go.

Oh, uh, excuse me, Dr. Love?

Can you show me
where the ovaries are located?

- Ovaries?
- Ovaries.

Sorry.

Uh, cervix?
Cervix.

Cervix.

Cervix says no.

Hey, all right...
Pachoski, you want to go help him?

The vagina, Weir, the va...
Easy one, easy one.

Basic stuff, guys know it.
Go ahead, point to it.

I don't know.

All right, mr. Weir,

instead of yucking it up in class,
you might want to pay attention,

or you're going
to have a very difficult life.

OK? Sit down, Dr. Love.

Dr. Love.

At least I didn't get head lice.

Thanks for those, Tricia,
they were de-licious.

Hey, good game on Saturday, Eddie.

Jennifer, I've been hearing
some terrific things about you

from my sources
in the English department.

As you were.

Hey, Brad.
Haven't seen you in a while.

- Stop by the office. We'll rap.
- Sure thing, Mr. Rosso.

Peace, brother.

Rock on, Kirby.

OK, Mr. Desario,
it's time for your favorite class.

OK, come on, people, simmer down.

Come on, let's go.

This is my time, not yours.

Hey, chatty Cathy,
you sit on the furniture at home?

OK, a reminder
about tomorrow's test.

It's tomorrow.

Uh, Kowchevski?

Desario.

Didn't we take a test last week?

Your point?

Well, I just don't think you've
taught us enough in the past week

to give us another test.

OK, people, in math,

every week you build off

what you learned the week before.

I mean, it's like a bus.
And you keep missing the bus,

you're never gonna
be able to catch up.

But, uh, I don't ride the bus, sir.

Yeah, flunk another test, Desario,

and you just might have to
come back here next year

and ride the bus with me again.

... so the guy looks up at her,
right, and he says,

"how do you think
I rang the doorbell?"

Oh, man, that's so raunchy.

- I don't get it.
- What's to get?

Jocks don't know how to tell jokes.

Do you get it?

I don't really like jokes.
I don't think they're funny.

I mean, maybe if we understood it,
it would be funny.

- They were laughing pretty hard.
- Trust me, they're idiots.

It's not funny.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, cindy.
How are you?

- I'm good, and you?
- Uh, pretty good.

Are you going to
the muscular dystrophy carnival?

- I'm in charge of the ice cream booth.
- Yeah, I heard about that.

Oh, hey, Dr. Love, hey,
I can't find my girlfriend's cervix.

Can you help me out?

OK, what was that all about?

Oh, that was just...
an inside joke.

Anyways,

if you need another volunteer
for the ice cream booth,

I'm around.

Well, thanks,
but Betsy's already doing it.

But make sure you stop by, though.

- OK.
- All right, see ya.

Hey, Tommy, are you coming
to the muscular dystrophy carnival?

Excuse me, Dr. Love?

Would you autograph my genitals?

I took 20 bucks from my mom, right?

But she thought it was my brother.

She completely went nuts on him,
hit him over the head with a spatula.

- I mean, it was hilarious.
- Sounds it.

God! You bastard!
Why'd you do that?

I don't know.

God, what are you, lit or something?
You know? Jeez!

- I'm sorry. Mellow out, all right?
- How do you like it?

Now I gotta walk around all day
with pop on my shirt.

You know?
Thanks a lot.

I get these weird urges sometimes.

I should probably go apologize.

Are you OK?

Kowchevski says if
I flunk this test tomorrow

I'll have to take algebra again.

Do you think you might flunk it?

No, I'm definitely gonna flunk it.

Do you take algebra?

No. I took it last year.

I take trig.

You must study a lot.

Math isn't this big deal
that everyone thinks it is.

It's just a few basic
formulas and some shortcuts,

- and then you plug in the numbers...
- Shortcuts? You mean, like, tricks?

You could call them that.

You could definitely do it
if you wanted to.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I mean, if I study, I could do it.

It's not like I'm a bus driver.

It's just, you know,
it doesn't interest me. It's so lame.

But do you really want to be
in Kowchevski's class again?

Hell, no.
I'd rather be in jail.

Well, I could help you study.

It could be kind of fun.

So the guy says,
"how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

- So it is funny.
- What does it mean?

You guys are so young.

You're only a year older
than we are.

Yeah, come on, Harris,
what does it mean?

He doesn't get it, either.

Oh, I get it.

Then tell us.

- I can't.
- Why not?

- 'Cause then you'd know.
- So, that's the point, isn't it?

You have to find out for yourselves.

That's why we're asking.

I told you.
He doesn't know.

If I didn't know,
would I be with Judith here?

Harris, you're so bad.

Love is like homework.

You got to study
if you want to get an "A."

So then the guy says,
"how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

- Do you get it?
- I don't.

Dad?

You know who's funny?
That Red Buttons.

- Who could that be?
- Oh, that's Daniel.

- A friend from school.
- I'll get the door.

It's dark out, and you're a...
a girl.

Hi, is Lindsay here?

Yeah.

OK, so...
how do you want to do this?

I don't know.
I've never done this before.

OK, well, in your textbook...

Did you bring your textbook?

I probably should have, huh?

Man...

Screwed up already.

No, it's OK.

I think I have mine from last year.

Great.

You know, there's
these practice tests in here,

and they're kind of helpful.

Just talking about studying
makes me want to take a nap.

Hey, wait, what are you doing?

What?

You can't smoke in here.

I... I mean, I don't care.

It's just, my parents.

Right, I'm sorry.

I got an idea.

I'll go outside and smoke this,

and when I get back,

blaze through those tricks of yours.

What you got there?

Nothing.

Nothing?

What's that?

Let me see.

These types of books just
make me think of all the crap

that can go wrong inside you.

Why you reading this?

I'm taking sex ed
with Mr. Fredricks.

He embarrassed me
in front of the whole class

just because I'm a little bit behind
when it comes to that sort of stuff.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

You do?

You're not gonna learn anything
you can use from a book like that.

- I'm not?
- No.

I tell you what.

I'll find you at school tomorrow.
I'll set you up.

With what?

Don't worry. It's cool.

So, let's try a different one.

How do you solve
this type of problem?

- Use the quadratic formula?
- Exactly.

And what is the quadratic formula?

"x" equals...

Negative "b,"

plus or minus...
the square root...

When you told me you were gonna teach me
tricks, I thought you meant real tricks.

What do you mean, like magic tricks?

I mean yeah, well, sort of.

Right now you're kind
of just teaching me math.

Yeah, but you're gonna get it.

I know, but I can't learn all this.

The test is tomorrow.

There's no way.

I... I don't know what else to do.

- I'll be cool.
- Really?

Hey, I'm sorry
for wasting your time.

No. You didn't.

You wanna do something?

Well, I don't think I can.
It's a school night and everything.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, fine.

- See ya.
- Good luck.

See ya tomorrow.

The Hulk could kick
the Thing's butt any day.

No way! The thing could
definitely take the Hulk.

Even if the Hulk could beat him,
all it has to do is wait

till the Hulk turns into Bill Bixby
again and cream him, no problem.

- You know, you're right.
- Hey, Weir.

Come here.

I got something you
might be interested in.

Check it out, but don't lose it.

I want it back.

All right.

Don't open it here, man.

I don't want it getting confiscated,
know what I'm saying?

All right.

Confiscated?

Come on, let's go.

Hey, chump.
I need your help.

Come here.

Come on. I need to get something
out of this classroom.

If you see Kowchevski coming,
you just bang on this door, all right?

Hey, don't screw me over.
Look alive.

I'm alive, man.
You don't have to hit me.

All right.

I'll be out in a second.

Hey, Nick, what's up?

Oh, hey, what's up, Sarah?

Did you hear Danielle and I were gonna
sing Super Trouper at the talent show?

Yeah, we're gonna
dress up like ABBA.

ABBA, huh?

They're from...
Switzerland, right?

No, I think they're
from Sweden, actually.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh... thinking about ABBA.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

All right.
Well, uh, talk to you later.

I think I'm getting
a wart on my wrist.

Jesus, man,
this algebra test is crazy.

- What language is this?
- How do you get rid of a wart?

Hey. I'm trying to think here, OK?

I'm sorry, man.

It looks like some kind
of movie or something.

Let me see that.
Let me see it.

Hang on.

Oh, my god.

It's a naked woman.

- What's she doing?
- Who cares what she's doing?

She's naked.

It's a dirty movie.

You mean, like a porno?

Oh! Eww! Give me that.

What am I supposed
to do with a porno?

You watch it...

Over and over.

Only perverts watch pornos, right?

Well, then every guy
in America is a pervert.

The meaning of that joke
is right here.

How am I supposed to watch it?
I don't even have a projector.

Well, I do.
Give it to me.

After school today,
we go to my house,

and we watch this movie
from beginning to end.

Agreed?

OK.

I ganked the test.

Wait. What?

I stole it from Kowchevski's office.
He's got no clue.

I need your help.
I can't figure any of this out.

I can't.

Sure, you can.
This stuff's easy for you.

No, I mean...

- I shouldn't.
- Why not?

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna be hitting you up
every time I have a math test.

I promise.

So for this one...

Look, I don't mean to be uptight,

but it's just...

Why don't I talk to Kowchevski?

What? Why?

I'll ask him for an extension.

He gave me one once.
He likes me.

I'll tell him I'm tutoring you
and you're getting the hang of it,

but you just need
a little more time.

Wouldn't it just be easier
to fill out this test?

Let me talk to him, OK?

Forget it. That dirtbag's
not gonna get an extension.

But I was working with him last night,
and he's really learning.

Daniel's the kind of student

who needs more attention, you know?

No. Daniel's the kind of student
who needs to just disappear.

Excuse me?

Look, he wastes my time.
He wastes class time.

And now he's wasting your time.

Well, no, he's not wasting
anybody's time.

I mean...

isn't it your job to teach him?

Lindsay...

I know Daniel is cute
with his bedroom eyes

and his stringy hair,

but he's a loser.
And losers pull down winners.

Now...

You're a smart girl.

Don't let your hormones
get in the way.

Excuse me.

Where's that test?

- In my jacket.
- Let's go.

. 74 times 23...
Put that in parentheses.

And x equals 19y,

and y equals 8.

Damn, it's weird you can
do this in your head.

Like a brainiac or something.

Thanks.

I can't wait to see
Kowchevski's face

when he hands this back to me.
This will blow his mind.

Yeah, but, Daniel,
this isn't over, right?

I'm gonna tutor you, and you won't
have to steal any more tests.

Yeah. I know.
No. I know.

I'm gonna be, like,

a guy with one of those things.

An abacus?

7y4x equals 9...

Come on, people. This is just a test,
not a death sentence.

If you're prepared,
you got nothin' to worry about.

Congratulations.

Turns out your friend Daniel didn't
need that extension after all.

He got an "A" on the algebra test.

Yeah, well, I told you
I helped him study.

Did you help him cheat?

I've got an anonymous
note that says you did.

Well, I didn't.
I didn't cheat.

I think you did.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

You're in a lot of trouble,
young lady.

Why were you talking
to Mr. Kowchevski?

Are you joining the mathletes again?

Jeez.
Sorry I asked.

You have popcorn?

Bill, this is a porno.
You don't eat popcorn during a porno.

This is taking forever.

We could've made
our own porno by now.

Do you want
the projector to eat the film

and have that Daniel guy kill you?
'cause, I mean, we can do that, too.

All right. There.

- Kill the lights.
- Aye, aye, sir.

Here we go.

How'd you like to come home
to that every night?

He's in good shape.

Oh, my god.

This is... weird.

That guy's got the best
job in the world.

Hey, you think there's
any short porn stars?

- I'm so dead.
- What did you tell Kowchevski?

- Nothing.
- Did you tell him that we cheated?

He could see it all over my face.

Then it's not over.

Anonymous note?
That means nothing. Get in.

As long as we don't, you know,
admit it, they got jack on us.

You want to deny it?

Yeah, definitely.

- Daniel, I don't...
- Listen, Lindsay.

You're good at math.
I'm good at this sort of thing.

And when something like this happens,
you deny everything.

But I'm not a good liar.

Lindsay, I got you into this.
I'm gonna get you out of this.

But you gotta trust me.

We're in this together.

So, you want me
to thread it up again?

I'm goin' home.

Are we gonna go to hell for this?

I don't wanna go to hell.

Hey, Sam.

You hardly touched your chicken
� la king. Aren't you hungry?

I had a really big...

snack at Neal's.

After school.

May I be excused?

OK. But we're having chocolate
coconut squares for dessert.

Maybe later.

All right, sweetie.

- Of course.
- He's at that stage.

Yes, I understand totally.
All right. Good-bye.

You went through that.
You wouldn't eat a thing.

That was Mr. Kowchevski
on the phone.

Apparently, my daughter
is now a cheater.

She cheated on a math test.
Now she's facing suspension.

My aunt Sally. Lindsay!

It's not true.

You're a good student.
I don't understand why you would cheat.

She's hanging around
with the wrong crowd.

They're lying and cheating,
and, next thing you know,

she's Patty Hearst,
and she's got a gun to our head.

- Dad, I just told you it's not true.
- Maybe I don't believe you.

You don't even ask me
my side of the story?

You just jump to conclusions
and start yelling at me?

God, that is so sick.

You know... fine.

Believe what you wanna believe.

I don't even care.
Whatever.

You know, thanks
for all the support.

So then the guy says to her,

"how do you think
I rang the doorbell?"

It's a pretty good one, huh?

I need to talk to you.

Some of the mathletes
have been saying things...

About you.

Yeah? Like what?

There's a rumor going around...
that you cheated on a math test.

I told them that's impossible.

Even though Lindsay's
not a mathlete anymore,

she would never break
the league's code of honor.

Yeah? Well, guess what, Millie?

I did cheat.

I lied and I cheated,
and then I lied some more.

You're funny, Lindsay.

I knew it wasn't true.

So...

Anyone see Dukes of
Hazzard last night?

It was a good one.

Yeah. Boss Hogg is really funny.

What's goin' on, guys?

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Hey, Sam.

What do you want?

Well, I was just wondering if you could
help me out with the ice cream booth

'cause Betsy can't
make it to the carnival.

Well, it turns out that
I can't make it, either.

Oh, that's too bad.

I'm a little busy right now, so...

Yeah, OK. Sure.

I'll see you later.

Wasn't that great,

when the Dukes handcuffed Roscoe,
Enos, and Boss Hogg together?

That was... really funny.

Is there anything you want to tell me
before the meeting this afternoon?

Just... I didn't cheat.

You know...

Something like this happened to me
when I was in high school.

- Got a minute?
- I guess.

I felt bad for this kid.
Bruce Conforti.

So I'd kinda "help" him
on biology tests.

OK, we cheated.

But after a while,

I realized he was the one
being cheated,

out of something priceless...

Knowledge.

So one day, I just told him,

I'm not gonna do that anymore.
And...

He studied and he got
all As on his own?

Close. He beat
the living crap outta me.

And when I say, beat
the living crap outta me,

I mean, the living crap.

All I did was help Daniel study.

I trust you.

Hey, Kim.
Where's Daniel?

I don't know.
Beats me.

We have a disciplinary
meeting after school.

You nervous?

You know, don't worry about it.

Daniel gets out of stuff
like this all the time.

Well, I shouldn't feel bad, right?

I mean, Kowchevski is a jerk,
and I'm gonna tutor Daniel,

and he'll pass the class.
Everything's gonna work out, right?

I'm sorry.

You think that you and Daniel
are gonna be, like, study buddies?

He wants to learn.
And what about the next test?

He'll just get the answers
from somebody else.

He always does.

You ready to stick it to the Man?

Partners in crime?
Give me five.

Hey, don't leave me hangin'.

All right.

Another thing they do
is the old cop trick.

They'll get you alone,
and they'll tell you I confessed.

But don't believe 'em.
I'll never confess, OK?

Well, I'm going to.

- I can't keep lying.
- Why not?

What is this,
some kind of game to you?

You already got me to cheat

and to lie to my parents
and to Mr. Rosso.

I know, but... Why stop now?
We're almost home free.

All right. Lindsay.
Lindsay, I understand.

You care about your grades
and your transcript.

But if you get suspended,
it goes on your transcript.

Then you really will be screwed.

You're manipulating me.

What?

You're manipulating me.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

And you know, it's really hard
to say no to you, but I have to.

I'm sorry. I can't go in there
and lie. I'm not going to.

- Fine. Don't lie.
- What?

No, let's go in there,
and we'll tell 'em what we did.

What's the difference?

You'll get a nice slap on the wrist,

and I'll get, what,
suspended? Expelled?

That is not fair, Daniel.

What do you think,
I want to be terrible at school?

You think I like it?

I wish I was as smart as you.
I wish it all came easy to me.

But it doesn't.

You know, when I was...
When I was in sixth grade,

they told us when we got
to junior high,

we'd be either in track one,
track two, or track three.

Track one's the smart kids,
track two's the normal kids,

track three is the dumb kids.

And what do you think I got?

How do you think it feels...

to be told you're dumb...

When you're eleven years-old?

You are not dumb.

I just wanted to prove him wrong...

Just once...

Even if I am cheating.

"If a pregnant woman has sex,
can the baby get... Poked?"

Hey. Hyenas!

Can I get through one question without
you guys gettin' hysterical on me?

Listen, sex is perfectly safe
for the fetus.

It's not gonna come out with dents on
its head like a golf ball or somethin'.

I mean, Dellage got poked
in the eye.

I'm kidding. Kiddin', Dellage.

Listen. Chapter 13 in
the text tomorrow for a pop quiz.

Whoop! You didn't hear it from me.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

In my office?

Sure.

When I was goin'
through these questions,

I was a little disturbed by yours.

How did you know
which one was mine? I thought...

I thought it was anonymous.

You're the only one with
Star Trek notebook paper.

Where'd you find out
about this..."activity"?

I saw a movie.

OK. I see.

Well, you know...

In movies like that...

They sensationalize
certain things...

But in reality,
those things don't usually happen.

You know what I'm tryin' to say?

All right. I'm gonna
tell you the truth. Plain language.

But listen, you can't tell
anybody we had this conversation.

Your permission slip for sex ed
doesn't cover this stuff.

I could get in a lot of trouble
for what I'm gonna tell you.

All right?

Fair enough.

Certain men... Not me...

Torture over.
We're done.

But just... just...
I mean,

those movies...
It's not reality.

OK? If it was reality,
I'd be freaked out myself.

- Thank you, mr. Fredricks.
- No problem.

All right. Get outta here, cowboy.

I have just one more question.

What is it?

Could you explain this joke to me?

So, there's this guy
with no arms and no legs...

If you want to tell
the truth, it's cool.

Whatever you want.

Daniel,
let's just stick to our story.

When we get in there...
Let me handle it. OK?

Well, I'm cheesed off
right now, and I don't care.

Hi. We're Lindsay Weir's parents.

Mom... Dad.
What are you doing here?

Honey, we...

We felt terrible about last night.

You've always been truthful with us,
so we never should've doubted you.

Nobody falsely accuses my daughter!

Honey. Shh.

It's OK. I mean, it happens.

Not to members of this family,
it doesn't!

I want to give this Kowchevski
joker a piece of my mind.

Your father even closed the store.

Now, let's be patient,
try and hear everyone out,

Be a team. We don't actually
know that anyone cheated.

I do.

Well, fine. Unfortunately,

an anonymous note
isn't sufficient proof.

- There is no note.
- There's no note?

No. I use this as a ploy sometimes
to get a confession.

How do you expect to have real
relationships with these kids

- if you're lying to them?
- Let me tell you something.

I knew kids like Desario in Vietnam.

Those were the kind of kids
that got you killed.

Everyone's here.

And if she says she didn't help
this kid cheat, then she didn't!

She tutored him, and it worked.

Yeah. You shouldn't
be punishing her.

You should be paying her
for doing your job.

Harold, it's recently come
to my attention

that there was
no anonymous note written.

- There was no note?
- No. It was a fraud.

- I apologize.
- See? I told you.

But we're still not entirely
convinced these two didn't cheat.

So you want to punish my daughter,
but you have no proof.

Look, Mr. Weir,
it should've never come to this.

I've talked to Lindsay.
I know she didn't do anything.

Daniel, did you...
Cheat on this test?

Good. Then I'm satisfied.

You're satisfied?
I'm not satisfied.

- Give it up, Frank.
- I took off work for this?

- I apologize for the inconvenience.
- No, no, no. Hold on a second.

I've got an idea.

I have the algebra test
that Daniel took.

If he can do the first problem,

I will not only get down
on my hands and knees

and beg everyone
in this room for forgiveness...

But I'll quit.
I will resign.

I'll never teach again.

That'd be a start.

I already took the test.
You can't make me take iagain.

Yes, I can.

Come on, Daniel.
One problem...

And this all goes away.

- Come on, son.
- Go ahead, Daniel.

Just need to use
the quadratic formula.

See? Look at him go.

I'm sorry if I was acting...

weird... at lunch.

Were you acting weird?

Well... anyways...

It turns out
that I can go to the carnival.

So, I mean, if you don't...

If you still don't have a scooper,
I'm available.

Jeanine already said
that she was gonna.

But we can always
use another scooper.

And, look. Grab a brush.

Thank you.

So, what time should I be there?

Well, I don't know.
It starts at noon,

so maybe you should come at 11:00.

AM? PM?

12 noon.

He's got a problem.
That's all.

What is that?

That... is a student
that Mr. Rosso believes in.

Led Zeppelin is actually
the name of a popular rock band.

I know who Led Zeppelin is!

What the hell's goin' on here?
Are you kidding us with this crap?

Lindsay, you lied to us?

Do you have any idea
how much money I'm losing?

Look, don't blame Lindsay.

It's not her fault.

It's mine.

She was just tryin' to help me.
Nobody else ever does.

What do you think,
I want to be terrible at school?

You think I like it?

I wish I was smart, you know?
I wish it all came easy to me,

but it doesn't.

You know, when I was in sixth grade,

they told us when
we got to junior high,

we'd be either in track one,
track two, or track three.

Track one's the smart kids,

track two's the normal kids,

track three's the dumb kids.

And what do you think I got?

How do you think it feels
to be told that you're dumb

in ink when you're eleven years old?

I mean... where are you
supposed to go from there?

Look. She's as high as a kite!

- My daughter is not high!
- Harold, what is going on?

- I thinks it's a nervous reaction.
- I don't know what's happening.

Tense situation.
I don't...

Track three!

Lindsay, what's going on?!
Will you... Stop laughing?

- You started all this.
- No, I did not start all this!

This school is the wrong
school for my daughter!

I asked him to do one question.
He could not even do one question.

She's a track one girl!