Original subtitles

Freaks and Geeks S01E04 Kim Kelly Is My Friend (VO)

Hey, those are for my French class.

Oh, but I love sprinkles.

- Fine. Just eat it. - Hey, I'm really hungry, too.

Please.

- Just take the plain, OK? - Oh, thank you.

People are walking here, OK? God!

Now they're dirty,

so just eat them.

- Here. - Thanks.

- What? What's your problem? - My problem is your face, dirtbag.

What's going on with her?

Ricky dumped her this morning. She's on the warpath.

Well, if she's looking for new customers,

I'm up for a test drive.

Shut up, Daniel.

Karen, wait up!

Jeez, Perry, you're looking huge.

Yeah? Well, I been workin' out after school.

Sorry, little guy. I didn't see ya. You all right, pal?

All right.

- You OK? - I can't breathe.

That guy hit you in the solar plexus.

Fellas...

My brother sent me this amazing chem set.

I propose after school

we make some acid, pour it on the sidewalk, and watch it kill bugs.

What are you doing? That's my locker.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know. I thought it was mine.

See? This is mine.

I just got hit in the solar plexus, so I'm a little out of it.

I don't wanna hear your life story, OK?

I want you to move your ass!

Hey, Karen, was this guy trying to break into your locker?

No! No. I was just confused. You know, I thought it was my locker.

Yeah. You are very confused, pee-wee.

Are you sure you're even in the right school?

- How old are you? - 14.

You can't be 14, midget.

You haven't even hit puberty.

- What are you doing? - I knew it.

You don't even have hair in your pits.

Come on, Karen. Let's go.

You swear you're 14?

Then you're a geek.

This is your locker?

There. Now you'll always know which one's yours

and which one's mine.

OK, geek?

You don't have hair in your pits?

So why did Ricky break up with Karen?

Is she, like, a prude?

Did she not, you know...

Go the distance?

Distance?

No, she's not a prude.

She's a slut, obviously.

Obviously.

She's a friend of yours.

Last week, she started getting it on with Ricky's older brother.

Oh, cool.

Yesterday...

He walked in on them.

Who walked in on who?

"Who walked in on who?"

God, people are so gossipy at this school.

It's, like, get a life, you know?

What's up with her?

That's Gary Ross' seat.

But he's sick. He has impetigo.

What? Are you gonna sit over here now?

I just don't feel like being abused today.

I mean, I give up, you know? I go out of my way to be nice to her,

and it's like...

No matter what I do, you know?

Are you OK?

Look, I'm gonna go talk to Kim right now.

No. No, no, no. Don't.

Yeah, I am becau...

It... Lindsay, it's really cool when you hang out,

and she shouldn't ruin everything for everybody

just because she's always on her period, you know?

No, Nick, it's OK.

No, it's not OK.

It's... you know, it's not OK. That's the thing.

Just... please don't. Don't say anything to her.

Promise me you won't.

Yeah. All right. OK. Whatever you want.

Thanks.

A defaced locker... A humiliated freshman...

And a busty succubus from hell...

Perhaps we've left McKinley High

and entered the chilling corridors of the Twilight Zone.

You're not funny.

I can't believe she inspected your pits.

You know, I thought she was gonna make sweet love to ya.

What am I supposed to do? I mean, fight her?

She's a girl.

My dad has a rule: you don't fight girls.

My dad has a rule: you don't piss your pants at school.

Hey, I didn't piss my pants!

Hey! What happened to my artwork?!

I spent a lot of time on that!

I washed it off.

Well, how you gonna remember where your locker is?

I'll remember.

No, you won't.

Listen...

I don't wanna have to fight you.

You wanna fight me, huh?

You wanna mix it up a little bit?

What was that, Bilbo Baggins?

I... I didn't say anything. It was him.

Are you guys deformed or something? I mean, what's the deal?

Look, I guess I'm just gonna have to mark that locker again.

This time... In geek blood.

Well, I'd better get to class.

I hope she meant your geek blood.

What are you doing?

Kim wants me to wait for her. She's on the phone with her mom.

I said, I don't know. Are you deaf?!

No. I'll try, OK? I'll try.

I'll try!

God, would you quit yelling at me, you psychopath?!

You know, sometimes relationships can be a drag.

Especially if you're goin' out with her.

Sorry.

No. I know.

She can be cool if you get to know her.

You know, mother, you have really lost it this time!

No... well, you need help!

God!

Well, as usual, my mother is being a total shrew.

Oh, biology.

I think I have a test, so I'll see you guys later.

See ya.

So, how's it goin'?

What?

I said, how's it goin'?

Fine...

I guess.

Well, what are you doin' later?

I don't know.

Well, meet me after school, OK?

We can hang.

OK.

I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.

What she does?

What?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

She does it.

What do you mean, "it"?

She...

Fornicates it. OK?

I doubt it.

And so what if she does?

I just think it's sad.

We can't all be girl scouts, Millie.

And I expect legible handwriting!

I can't spend my time trying to decipher your chicken scrawl.

That's not my job.

- You gotta come see this. - What is it?

Hurry, man.

What's a pygmy?

It's a dwarf from Australia. It's just a nickname.

Hey, look, if you don't get rid of that,

you're gonna be called pygmy geek for the next 4 years.

Jeez!

Weir!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Oh, grow up!

- Someone wrote on my locker. - So this is your locker?

No. This is the school's locker. That's gonna have to be repainted, bub.

- It wasn't me. - This wasn't you?

Well, yeah, but...

You kids don't respect school property.

I mean, you just don't get it.

OK, I want you to write an essay

by tomorrow, 500 words...

"Why vandalism... Why the property of school

should be respected and why we should respect it,"

and I want it tomorrow, or you're gonna be on trash detail for a week.

Yeah. Laugh it up.

Where you goin'?

I dunno. Home.

Well, what are you doing later?

What?

Do you want to come over to my house for dinner?

Did Nick say something to you?

What do you mean?

Did Nick tell you to be nice to me?

Well... yeah.

I just figured since we have to see each other anyways all the time,

we may as well try to get along.

So do you wanna come over to my house or not?

I don't know.

You know what? Fine. Just forget it.

You know, I tried.

Kim!

Yeah, what?

I'll have dinner at your house.

All right.

My parents are jerks.

They love to kill my buzz, but afterwards we can ditch 'em,

and go catch a movie or something?

All right. I'll pick you up at your house at 5:30.

I'll see you at 5:30!

Yeah. Later.

Hey, honey.

How was school?

I don't wanna talk about it, OK?

Oh, OK, then.

Samuel, you are going to ruin your dinner.

I'm loading up on carbs.

But we're having carbs for dinner.

You want me to stay a midget? Is that what you want?

You are not a midget.

Yeah, I am, and it's because there's no food in this house.

- I'm malnourished. - No food?

What's all this?

Fruit roll-ups, beef jerky.

You're just...

You're just finicky.

Mom, is it OK if I skip out on dinner tonight?

What? Why?

Well, I was invited over to Kim Kelly's.

- Who's Kim Kelly? - She's just a friend.

Oh, new friend? What's she like?

I don't know. She's just a girl.

Kim Kelly's a psycho.

She and Karen Scarfoli?

They're violent. They run around the school being evil.

That doesn't sound very nice.

Why do you want to be friends with a girl like that?

She's not evil, mom. She's just different.

She doesn't wear frilly dresses or prance around like a cheerleader.

Just 'cause a girl speaks her mind doesn't mean she's a psycho.

You should have told me yesterday. I'm making veal piccata.

Maybe another night.

Mom, she's coming to pick me up in 15 minutes.

Fine. Eat with your friend.

Why are you friends with Kim Kelly?

Don't talk to me, OK?

Kim Kelly's my enemy.

If you're gonna start being a tattletale and trying to get me into trouble,

then maybe you should go to a different high school.

I don't need some spy reporting on my every move.

I just don't know why you have to hang out with her.

Well, why not?

Because she and her friends are mean to me.

They wrote "geek" on my locker.

Well, maybe you are a geek.

I'm just kidding.

Oh, come on, Sam, like I meant that.

Hey, move it or lose it.

Oh, man! I got the worst cramps.

I just about died on the way over here.

Hey, Kim.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you quit picking on my little brother?

I keep forgetting he's your little brother.

He looks just like all those other geeks.

Come on. Let's go.

I hate Lindsay and her stupid friends.

You don't hate your sister.

Yeah, I do. She sucks.

Samuel, don't ever use that disgusting word again.

Sorry.

All right, I'm warning you right now.

My parents are seriously wacko.

Yeah. Mine, too. Don't worry about it.

No. Mine are mental, OK?

They're looking for a reason to sell my Gremlin.

- They are? - God, they're such cheap bastards!

But my aunt Kathy gave me this car, and it's mine.

My aunt Kathy was so rad.

She lived in LA. She was on Kojak.

She doinked Ryan O'Neal once at a party.

Wow! She sounds awesome.

Yeah. Well, she's dead.

She OD'd on coke.

So, you see... There's a lot riding on this dinner.

I can't lose my car. You get it?

I don't know if I do.

Roll up my window.

I don't want my car to get stolen.

My parents hate everybody.

They hate Daniel. They can't stand Karen.

The only person they like is you.

But I've never even met them.

Yeah. Well, I told them all about you,

how you're like this golden girl and everything,

how you get good grades.

My mother's going to be pressing you for information.

Just follow my lead.

Oh, and by the way,

I spend the night at your house every Friday.

Last weekend, we went up to your vacation house in Benton Harbor

- and went water-skiing. - We... what?

Hi there. You must be Lindsay.

It's really nice to meet you.

Kim, did you pick up any soda?

I forgot.

Well, I forgot to make you dinner. How do you like that?

Come on in.

So...

Kim says you're a genius.

No, I'm not. At all.

I get good grades, I guess.

Well, why don't you help out Kim? She's hangin' on for dear life.

BS. I get good grades.

Oh, I hate to blow your mind, sister, but Ds are not good. Ds are bad.

I got one "D", OK?

I told you my history teacher was a pervert.

I wasn't about to go to his house after school to get "tutored."

Can it, Kim. You're gonna wake up Chip.

At least I know how to read.

What was that?

Nothing.

So... I hear you girls had a fun weekend.

Yeah, it was great.

We went water-skiing. I love to water-ski.

And, uh, you got a vacation house up there in Benton Harbor?

That must be nice, huh?

- Your family must be very wealthy. - Hardly.

Kim says that you are affluent.

Well, we do all right.

I'm really not supposed to talk about it.

My dad always says a farmer never reveals how many cows he's got.

- Your old man's a farmer? - No.

He owns A1 Sporting Goods.

Really? Can he get us a discount?

What?

We don't live in a mansion here, as you can see.

We don't have a swimming pool and tennis court, the way you do.

We may not be rich, but we get by.

- We're remodeling. - Oh, and take your time with that.

I love relievin' myself behind a shower curtain.

Smells like fart.

- Here. Hold this test tube. - Yeah, right.

I'm not gonna get my fingers melted off

just so you can get a kick.

OK? I need these fingers.

Why? So you can pick your rumpus? Just hold the test tube.

No. I read in this magazine about a chemical

that burns your flesh. This kid got a little bit on him

and now he's goin' to Disneyland for his last hoorah.

You guys... I'm writing an essay.

Could you just, like, be quiet, please?

- OK? - All right.

How many words you got?

33.

It's so unfair!

I mean, if I have to write an essay,

then Karen Scarfoli should have to write a big, fat book.

I think she's a sex fiend.

You should move your locker.

What if she comes to school really horny one day?

- Girls don't get horny. - They don't?

Only guys get horny.

Maybe Karen Scarfoli's a guy.

Sam, if it was me,

I'd go to Karen Scarfoli's house and make her write it.

- I'm sure you would. - I would.

You can't let chicks humiliate you like that in public.

She did not humiliate me.

Uh... she kinda did.

OK, all right, then what about when she started picking on you?

You ran away, Bilbo Baggins.

Yeah? Well, at least, I'm not a pygmy.

So, how long you had that house up there in Benton Harbor, Lindsay?

A few years.

Yeah. You know, I did waitress up there one summer,

so I know the area pretty good. Where's your house at?

It's... by the water.

Yeah. What neighborhood?

Uh, it's, uh... over by the...

Uh, Mom, Lindsay invited me up this weekend to go fishing.

- Can I go? - What street is it on?

Benton Harbor...

Street.

You are a lying brat!

I knew it! I told you.

I'm not lying. You just can't believe I can make a friend

- who's rich and smart. - She's not smart.

No, she is! She's really smart! I swear to God, she's smart!

She's a bum, like all your other friends!

What's happening?

It's that car! You're driving around town,

you're tramping it up in that car! I know what you do!

Yeah, you should know! I learned it from you!

You're grounded for good, you got me?

News flash. You're not my father, fat ass!

Damn right, I'm not!

Aw, that's it! We're selling the car!

No! That's my car! Aunt Kathy gave me that car!

Oh, yeah? Well, your aunt Kathy spent $1,000 of my money

snorting it up her nose, so as far as I'm concerned, that car is mine!

Fine! I'm outta here.

Oh, no, you don't. No. No!

You are not going out anywhere.

- Go to the car, Lindsay! - Give me those keys!

Give me the keys! Get her keys!

Lindsay, go!

Give me the keys!

Open the door!

Open that door!

- Get inside! - When I get my hands on you, sister!

Get out of that car!

That's my car! Now get out!

Kim, hurry!

If you leave now, you are never coming back!

Don't you start this car!

You are never coming back here!

I'm calling the cops on you!

I'm calling the cops on you!

Just look at this!

Look at this kid.

- You spoil her! - Oh, stop it!

This is my car, my car, my car, my car!

Mine! My car! My car!

God!

Are you OK?

Benton Harbor Street?

Yeah, well, I've never been to Benton Harbor, OK?

You should've told me you were using me.

Yeah, well, my parents are always on my ass about where I'm going.

You know, she thinks I'm a loser. She thinks all my friends are losers.

I just...

Wanted to bring home someone like you.

I'm sorry, OK?

Are you happy now?

Whatever. I just wish you would've told me.

My stepfather wants to sell my car. I don't think so.

With all the dirt I have on him, he'd better just watch it.

You know what I mean?

- So what are you going to do now? - I'm going to find Daniel.

When he hears about this, he's going to flip out.

Sorry to break it to you, but you're the geek.

- What? - You heard me. You're the geek.

I may be some things, but I'm not a geek.

Hey, you guys, let's go make some acid and pour it on the sidewalk.

Won't that be fun?

Watch it. That stuff is expensive.

You're 14 years old and you still play with chemistry sets?

Uh, hey, nimrod, adults play with chemistry sets, too.

They're called scientists.

However, I don't know too many adults who still play with their Tonka trucks.

I don't play with Tonka trucks.

You want to go on the record with that statement?

I gave them away, like, years ago.

May I direct the jury's attention to exhibit "A"?

May I direct the jury's attention to exhibit "A"?

You and your lame impersonations.

Ever thought about teaching a class in geek?

Hey, at least I've got hair in my pits.

OK. OK. Hey, Bill.

Who's the bigger geek? Me or Neal? You decide.

Like, I don't... Neither?

Come on. You gotta choose.

I don't know. I mean, what's geek mean anyway?

I mean, it's just a word.

- Come on, Bill. - Yeah, pick.

I guess... Sam.

Oh, and the verdict is in.

You shouldn't feel so ashamed. There are a lot of famous geeks in history.

Einstein, Gilligan, Gomer Pyle.

You know, it's all the s...

Hey, hey, hey, come on! Cut it out!

Stop it!

Give it a rest! Come on.

Stop it. Stop!

You're going to tear my sweater.

You done with your little hissy fit?

Stop it! Hey, stop! Get off me!

- Guys, guys! - My chemistry set!

- What is that? - I don't know!

Cover your flesh. Cover your flesh.

All right. That's it.

Guys, get out! Now!

There's his car.

Him and Nick like to come here and shoot hoops sometimes.

You are dead!

You are so dead! Do you hear me?

You are dead! Both of you are dead!

She's pissed.

Well, maybe it's not what you think.

I mean, maybe they were just goofing around.

You never know.

Oh, god.

God, Kim, I'm so s...

Don't touch me! Just don't touch me.

I never want to see him again.

It's just, you know,

he's the nicest guy I've ever met. You know?

And he's such a babe, too.

I mean, he's sexier than Rod Stewart. Don't you think?

Yeah, he's a really good-looking guy.

I mean, Daniel... Daniel is a normal guy, you know?

He'll screw anything that moves.

And that's why I got to stay alert.

I have to be a bitch, you know?

Oh, my life sucks!

No, it doesn't.

My parents hate me! I don't have any friends!

You're, like, my only friend, Lindsay,

and you're...

You're a total loser.

No offense.

Sam, slow down. It's not a race.

What's the problem?

Oh, he usually never eats,

and just look at him.

Oh, he's fine.

He could use a little meat on his bones.

I'm just worried he might have worms.

Sam, do you think you might have worms?

Mom?

Hey, Lindsay.

Is this your new friend?

- We're gonna be in my room. - You sure you don't want any dinner?

No, we're fine.

What you eatin'?

Veal piccata.

It looks good.

Well, sit down. I'll get you both a plate.

Is everything all right, Kim?

Mom, she's having problems with her boyfriend.

She doesn't want to talk about it, OK?

There, there.

I mean, you're a guy.

Right?

Why are guys only interested in sex?

It's so sick.

Damn.

What is it, Sam?

Is he going to blow up?

That's a perfectly good piece of veal wasted.

I'm telling you, I think he has a parasite.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, yes. Yeah, they're both right here.

She is?

She did?

Really? Oh, my.

No, I had... I had no idea.

No. Vacation home where?

You look familiar.

Does any of your family shop at my store?

Yeah, but my mom hates going there 'cause it's so overpriced.

You know, you can get the same stuff at Sportsmart for a lot less.

You don't say?

OK, yes. Thank you. Good-bye.

Can I see you in the kitchen for a second?

That was Kim's mother on the phone.

- What is happening? - What do you mean?

She was yelling at me.

She said you told them that we have a vacation home in Benton Harbor,

that you and Kim stay out all night and sleep with boys,

and that I shouldn't believe a word you say.

Look, mom, none of that is true.

Kim got in a fight with her parents, and Mrs. Kelly's just upset.

Well, now I'm upset.

Very upset.

Mom, come on. I barely know Kim.

Good. Maybe that's for the best.

I don't think she's a very positive influence.

Be a little understanding, Mom. Kim comes from a broken home.

Her parents are deranged. Not everybody's family is like ours.

I know that. I just don't want to see you...

Thank you so much for dinner.

It was really great.

You guys have such a nice house.

You think it'd be cool if I hung out here for a little bit?

My house is such a nightmare right now.

Oh, of course.

Just, please, make yourself at home.

Thanks.

You think she might like some ice cream?

I think he's stoned.

Stoned? What are you talking about?

Hey, what do you say we guys go down to the beach

and shoot some clams?

I hate cop shows.

Cops are such pigs.

My brother got ambushed by cops once.

They beat him on the head with their billy clubs.

Oh, my. What was he doing?

Nothing. He was just drunk, minding his own business.

The cops just went nuts on him.

Now he sleeps all day on the couch, and he never parties.

I think he's got brain damage.

Take these things, have them analyzed, fast. Nick?

Not that way!

I'll get it!

Hey, Nick. What's going on?

Daniel's waiting out at the car, and he wants to talk to Kim.

I don't think now is a very good time.

She's really mad.

Hey, Kim. Thanks a lot for almost running me over back there!

What do you want?

Daniel's out at the car, and he would like to talk with you.

What are you, his chore boy? Why don't you go tell your master

I don't ever want to talk to him again? He's scum!

He's waiting outside. Go tell him yourself.

No way. I'm not going out there. You can just forget it.

Go tell him to go to hell!

Look,

if you don't go out there, then he's just going to come in here.

Maybe you should talk to the boy... Outside.

Just tell him how you feel, honey.

I'm not going to talk to him again. Ever!

So you can all just bite me!

If she's planning on sleeping over, she can just forget about it.

You scared me!

- Crap! - Get outta here.

What?

You heard me. Get out of my room.

- After all you did to me today. - What did I do to you?

You wrote geek on my locker.

Hey, I didn't do that. Karen did that.

Oh, yeah, well, she's your friend,

and you were laughing.

You know what it feels like to have that written on your locker?

Jeez!

Now I have to write this stupid essay.

OK, listen.

Karen is not my friend, OK?

Just wait. Tomorrow she's going to learn.

- What goes around comes around. - What do you mean?

Just don't worry about her. She's dead meat.

Really?

She messed with the wrong person this time.

I'm just going to break her arms.

- Seriously? - And after I break her arms,

I'm going to take a wrench, and pull out her teeth one by one.

And then I'm going to take a match, and set her hair on fire.

Well, don't hurt her too bad.

Just wait.

She's going to wish she was never born.

Hey, Lindsay, how's it... How's it going?

How's it going? It's going bad.

Those guys are going to make up, you know? Don't worry about it.

She's really pissed.

She's always pissed off, you know?

You just got to try to, like, calm down a little bit.

I know. It's just, tonight has been really intense.

You seem really tense.

Hey, come here. Um, here.

Ah! Harold!

Lady, I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just looking for my girlfriend.

Mom?

Hey, Lindsay, the door was open, so...

Who's this punk?

Dad, this is Daniel. He's a friend from school.

Jeez, kid, you ever hear of a doorbell? People do have heart attacks, you know.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, pops.

- Where's Kim? - She doesn't want to see you.

That's right, so why don't you get the hell out of here?

- Will you let me explain? - What, that I hate you?

I didn't do nothin'.

Oh, I'm sorry, that must've been somebody else.

Will you just calm down and not be a bitch for one second?

What did you call me?

I said calm down! OK?

Just don't...

I saw her sucking on your finger!

- What else has she sucked on? - Are you high right now?

No, I am not high!

Just don't! You know? Just don't lie to me!

- I'm not lying. - Don't lie to me!

- I'm not lying. - Just don't! You know?

Just stop lying to me!

I know that you slept with her!

I'm not lying. OK?

I'm not lying.

Oh, just...

I didn't do nothin'.

There's only you.

OK?

God, you suck.

There's nobody but you.

Mom, dad.

No. No, it's not OK.

I'm still mad at you.

It's just... no.

Lindsay, who are these people?

Mom, dad, this is Nick.

Hi. Hey, Mr. Weir. Hi, Mrs. Weir.

I just want you to know it's, like,

such a pleasure to meet you guys finally.

Uh, Lindsay turned out great!

She's... so great.

Congratulations.

- Thanks. - Hey, so, um, listen,

do you guys mind if I have this fruit roll-up?

Oh, no. Please... Go... please, go ahead.

Enjoy.

- Thank you so much. - Sure.

I think they've made up. Let's go check on them.

- Mom, no. - Oh, Lindsay.

I think we deserve to see a happy ending, don't you, Harold?

These friends of yours gonna be leaving our house in the near future?

Mom, wait.

Oh, my.

Listen, uh, I just wanted to tell you, I think you got a great store.

There's a lot of great stuff in there.

I bought a basketball a couple of years ago.

- It still works and everything. - Good.

You guys mind if I have these or...

Please, go ahead. Take them.

Thanks so much for dinner and ice cream and everything.

It was really good to meet you guys.

Super nice.

- Good luck with your parents. - Oh! Don't remind me.

Hey, you think it's cool if I leave my car here tonight?

I'll pick it up tomorrow. We could hang out.

Great.

Maybe we can all have dinner tomorrow night.

Well, I got a ton of homework to do, so I guess I better go hit the books.

Huh, Dad?

Good night.

This isn't good.

No.

Hi, Sam.

You going to class?

Yeah.

Hey, Sam Weir.

Where's my essay?

OK. You know what we're going to do?

We're going to post this on your locker so that everyone in McKinley

can learn from your little mistake.

All right, I give up.

If you kids want to live in trash, that's fine by me.

Did you do this?

I did it.

Because you are a slut, slut.

He hit on me.

Oh, yeah? Well, after school, I'm going to hit on you.

See you then.

Bye.

Hey, Kim, thanks. That was really cool.

No problem, geek.