Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,491 --> 00:00:03,760
If there were a hypothetical
compost vessel
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:07,905
for... hypothetically... our doodie,
3
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:09,507
would you hypothetically be into that?
4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,276
Sure! I been crashing on
friends' couches for a month,
5
00:00:12,278 --> 00:00:15,579
so I can literally move in
to-morr-ow, all right?
6
00:00:15,581 --> 00:00:16,980
Let me ask you this.
7
00:00:16,982 --> 00:00:19,016
When I take a shower,
will you keep me company?
8
00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:20,518
Not... Not in the shower,
9
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,420
just, like, sit on the toilet
and talk to me?
10
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:24,087
Okay.
11
00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:26,417
Okay, I just have one final question.
12
00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:30,503
- Mm-hmm.
- What is your stance on the Olsen twins?
13
00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:33,096
Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins.
14
00:00:33,098 --> 00:00:35,466
It drives me nuts, you understand?
15
00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:37,701
- Part of it is like I feel sorry for them.
- Yes.
16
00:00:37,712 --> 00:00:39,471
But they also billionaires,
so I hate them.
17
00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:42,052
- Yes! Right.
- But, I mean, did they ask for this?
18
00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:43,633
- No, they did not. Okay?
- Unh-unh.
19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,508
Why would you have Uncle Jesse
20
00:00:45,510 --> 00:00:48,978
picking them up, kissing
them to get women?
21
00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,780
What woman sees that as a turn-on?
22
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,415
What kind of move is this?
23
00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:54,751
Child, that whole set
is about to be Bill Cosby.
24
00:00:54,753 --> 00:00:56,118
- You hear me?
- Bizarre.
25
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,087
Okay? MeToo moments every damn where.
26
00:00:58,089 --> 00:01:00,457
- That's it. I mean, give it to me.
- For real.
27
00:01:00,459 --> 00:01:01,758
- Lay it down.
- Hello?
28
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,959
I mean, we vibing, right?
29
00:01:02,961 --> 00:01:04,394
- Child.
- Ye-e-es!
30
00:01:04,396 --> 00:01:05,595
- Beezy!
- All ri-i-ight!
31
00:01:05,597 --> 00:01:06,629
Ha ha ha!
32
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,364
Ah, yes!
33
00:01:08,366 --> 00:01:11,032
Now, just tell me, what
room do I take, okay?
34
00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:14,370
Well, you have officially
secured yourself a backup offer.
35
00:01:14,372 --> 00:01:15,571
Backup?
36
00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,105
It's just that I have one more
37
00:01:17,107 --> 00:01:19,783
brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed,
38
00:01:19,794 --> 00:01:21,943
beautiful candidate left to explore.
39
00:01:21,945 --> 00:01:24,383
Well, girl, you've literally
just described me.
40
00:01:24,394 --> 00:01:26,778
[CHUCKLING] Well, it looks
like I have a type. [SIGHS]
41
00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:28,384
I will get back to you in 24 hours.
42
00:01:28,386 --> 00:01:30,952
Can you make it 23? 'Cause
I really love this place.
43
00:01:30,954 --> 00:01:32,153
[CLATTER]
44
00:01:32,155 --> 00:01:33,541
That's never happened before.
45
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:36,191
♪ Four and three and two
and one... one ♪
46
00:01:36,202 --> 00:01:38,770
♪♪
47
00:01:38,781 --> 00:01:41,075
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
48
00:01:41,166 --> 00:01:42,463
I'm scared.
49
00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:43,931
I don't know how to say it
50
00:01:43,933 --> 00:01:47,528
or when or where or how exactly.
51
00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:50,705
Ugh. You haven't told Ilana
you're moving to Colorado yet?!
52
00:01:50,707 --> 00:01:52,473
I do not envy you.
53
00:01:52,475 --> 00:01:54,842
When we told her we were
getting rid of her car,
54
00:01:54,844 --> 00:01:57,812
- we took her to see Savion Glover...
- King of tap.
55
00:01:57,823 --> 00:02:01,315
and we even snuck in a
backpack of sour cherry straws...
56
00:02:01,317 --> 00:02:03,183
Those are her favorite... and she still
57
00:02:03,185 --> 00:02:05,158
wanted to declare legal emancipation.
58
00:02:05,169 --> 00:02:06,568
And you better tell that bitch soon
59
00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:08,389
because I'm only good
up to a certain point
60
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:09,724
when it comes to keeping a secret.
61
00:02:09,726 --> 00:02:11,235
Like, 12 hours ago,
62
00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:14,318
Eliot tells me he's having an affair...
63
00:02:14,329 --> 00:02:15,441
Can you believe this?...
64
00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:18,465
with a married man, married to a woman!
65
00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,352
He's a homewrecker, Abbi!
66
00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,101
Fuck. See? 12 hours.
67
00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:23,770
Ugh. I can't help myself.
68
00:02:23,772 --> 00:02:25,472
Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today.
69
00:02:25,474 --> 00:02:28,074
Butter her up... flowers,
weed, something special.
70
00:02:28,076 --> 00:02:30,410
Just tell me it's gonna be okay.
71
00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:31,778
Bobbi?
72
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,680
Bob, you're froz...
73
00:02:33,682 --> 00:02:37,851
Okay, I can see the ceiling fan
still moving in the background.
74
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,553
[LAPTOP CHIRPS]
75
00:02:39,555 --> 00:02:42,255
♪♪
76
00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,057
[SIGHS] Okay.
77
00:02:44,059 --> 00:02:45,325
[ILANA LAUGHS]
78
00:02:45,327 --> 00:02:46,559
ILANA: What?
79
00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:48,428
Dude, what? Wait.
80
00:02:48,430 --> 00:02:52,265
We both bought each other a dozen roses?
81
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:54,133
[LAUGHS]
82
00:02:54,135 --> 00:02:55,568
That is amazing. Can you believe...
83
00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:58,137
- Okay, these are for you.
- And those are for you.
84
00:02:58,139 --> 00:03:00,200
Can you believe we are
so psychically linked?
85
00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:02,583
No, and... and, luckily, nothing...
86
00:03:02,594 --> 00:03:06,118
you know, no space or time
or distance or anything...
87
00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:09,215
would ever change that or take
that away. Not even death.
88
00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:11,550
- That's hot.
- Yeah.
89
00:03:11,552 --> 00:03:13,752
So, today, we are going to do something
90
00:03:13,754 --> 00:03:16,155
that you have wanted
to do forever, baby.
91
00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:17,202
What?
92
00:03:18,093 --> 00:03:20,126
[LISPING] "Sleep No More"!
93
00:03:20,128 --> 00:03:21,594
[LAUGHS] Are you serious?
94
00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:22,862
[NORMAL VOICE] Uh-huh!
95
00:03:22,864 --> 00:03:25,764
God, I love living in New York City.
You just... You can't beat it.
96
00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:29,007
You get to be physically near the
cutting edge of art and culture
97
00:03:29,018 --> 00:03:32,671
and then, just a mere decade later,
actually afford to experience it.
98
00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:34,104
- Mm-hmm.
- But wait.
99
00:03:34,115 --> 00:03:36,074
Aren't you gonna be too scared to go?
100
00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,198
I mean, I'm excited. I am also scared,
101
00:03:38,209 --> 00:03:40,059
but it is gonna be scary, right?
102
00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:41,905
It's not intended to be scary.
103
00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:44,435
It's kind of like interactive,
modern version of "Macbeth."
104
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:46,184
Ooh! Shakespeare.
105
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:49,287
I love Shakespeare, all his stuff.
106
00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:50,589
Mm.
107
00:03:50,591 --> 00:03:52,457
God, Shakespeare was fucking cool,
108
00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:55,027
'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg.
109
00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:58,463
Also, you see visible vulva
and penis in this show.
110
00:03:58,465 --> 00:03:59,697
Ah!
111
00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:01,500
This is gonna be so good,
112
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,301
because I want to go
into this new experience
113
00:04:03,303 --> 00:04:06,004
because, like, I want to
be uncomfortable to grow.
114
00:04:06,006 --> 00:04:07,920
Beesh, I hear deesh,
115
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:10,942
'cause I believe in us growing together,
116
00:04:10,944 --> 00:04:12,877
no matter what form that may take.
117
00:04:12,879 --> 00:04:15,380
Me too, dude.
118
00:04:15,382 --> 00:04:18,216
Together forever!
119
00:04:18,218 --> 00:04:19,884
♪♪
120
00:04:19,886 --> 00:04:23,109
[HOT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
121
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,396
Petticoats, please.
122
00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:27,159
If you could keep these
vertical, that would be great.
123
00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:28,825
And, hey, is there a particular
124
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,394
penis-and-vulva viewing room?
125
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,030
I-I was told there would be
visible vulva.
126
00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:35,299
Uh, you know, this is more of a...
127
00:04:35,301 --> 00:04:38,302
this is honestly more of like
a follow-the-action,
128
00:04:38,304 --> 00:04:39,970
choose-your-own-adventure type show.
129
00:04:39,972 --> 00:04:41,505
Just follow the rooms.
130
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,140
I bet it's multiple rooms.
131
00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:44,442
Yeah.
132
00:04:46,145 --> 00:04:48,045
It is scary, see?
133
00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:50,181
20 people on one elevator, yes.
134
00:04:50,183 --> 00:04:51,515
Actually terrifying.
135
00:04:51,517 --> 00:04:52,716
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
136
00:04:52,718 --> 00:04:55,018
[EXHALES] Okay.
137
00:04:55,020 --> 00:05:01,191
♪♪
138
00:05:01,193 --> 00:05:03,993
Things aren't always as they seem here.
139
00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:05,861
Trust no one.
140
00:05:05,863 --> 00:05:08,798
♪♪
141
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,402
[EXHALES DEEPLY] I trust you.
142
00:05:10,413 --> 00:05:11,568
I was right there.
143
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,608
- Me?
- No, not you.
144
00:05:13,619 --> 00:05:14,651
God!
145
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:17,307
Jesus. You... I trust you.
146
00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:18,941
- Me?
- Oh, my God!
147
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,243
No! What?!
148
00:05:20,245 --> 00:05:21,411
Are you bothering this girl?
149
00:05:21,413 --> 00:05:22,512
Ilana?
150
00:05:22,514 --> 00:05:24,692
Okay. God, let's go. Come on.
151
00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:25,769
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
152
00:05:26,137 --> 00:05:27,883
Oh, cute.
153
00:05:27,885 --> 00:05:30,019
Oh, my God.
154
00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:31,387
Okay, I can't look.
155
00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:33,256
What do you think's gonna happen to her?
156
00:05:33,258 --> 00:05:35,091
Ab, if this is too scary
for you, we can go.
157
00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:36,758
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no.
158
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,427
Yeah, it's just
kind of scary not knowing,
159
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:40,262
- like, what's gonna happen next.
- [THUD]
160
00:05:40,264 --> 00:05:41,597
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
161
00:05:41,599 --> 00:05:44,566
We gotta do new stuff and expand.
162
00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:46,101
It's the best part of life!
163
00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:48,770
Even if we are scared and
terrified, we gotta do it...
164
00:05:48,772 --> 00:05:50,739
like, new parts of the world, new ideas,
165
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,593
new... new parts of the... the country.
166
00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:54,309
- Ooh, like Queens.
- Yeah, yeah.
167
00:05:54,311 --> 00:05:56,211
Or, like, further wherever, you know?
168
00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:57,579
Like, I'm in, dude.
169
00:05:57,581 --> 00:06:00,752
Girl, I love inner. Go in. Go deep.
170
00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:02,773
And, you know, when your
best friend is by your side,
171
00:06:02,784 --> 00:06:04,219
there's nothing to fear.
172
00:06:04,221 --> 00:06:07,088
- [FART]
- [LAUGHS]
173
00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:08,156
Oh, man.
174
00:06:08,158 --> 00:06:09,958
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
175
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,993
[SNIFFS] Ew, do you smell that?
176
00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:14,763
Yeah, someone must have
crop-dusted us all, huh?
177
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,464
Brilliant theatrical choice!
178
00:06:16,466 --> 00:06:18,767
It was me. [CHUCKLES]
179
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:19,834
Wait.
180
00:06:19,836 --> 00:06:22,503
♪♪
181
00:06:22,505 --> 00:06:24,205
Oh, my God. Shitfuck.
182
00:06:24,207 --> 00:06:25,725
Nurses are never good.
183
00:06:25,736 --> 00:06:28,442
Although I do love the long-lost
art of letter-writing.
184
00:06:28,444 --> 00:06:30,611
I'm just like, "Where are
the chills and/or thrills?"
185
00:06:30,613 --> 00:06:32,346
You know, I want to be
either really scared
186
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:34,448
- or really horny.
- Are you kidding me?
187
00:06:34,450 --> 00:06:36,280
This is the creepiest
fucking thing I've ever seen.
188
00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:38,096
- Oh, my God!
- [MAN GROANING]
189
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,907
I don't want to go on!
190
00:06:41,290 --> 00:06:43,190
Yeah, it's working.
191
00:06:43,192 --> 00:06:44,658
It's working.
192
00:06:46,062 --> 00:06:49,329
Gorgeous cursive.
193
00:06:49,331 --> 00:06:52,632
Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot.
194
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,401
Oh, my God.
195
00:06:54,403 --> 00:06:56,070
Except...
196
00:06:56,072 --> 00:06:58,338
I know what's going on. This is like...
197
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:00,340
What if this is like a little sweet spot
198
00:07:00,342 --> 00:07:01,909
so they... you let your guard down
199
00:07:01,911 --> 00:07:03,461
'cause you're, like,
surrounded by candy,
200
00:07:03,472 --> 00:07:05,248
and then this is where
they really hit you
201
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,715
with, like, the terrifying,
like, terrible stuff.
202
00:07:07,717 --> 00:07:10,184
Chill out. Nothing
terrible's gonna happen.
203
00:07:10,186 --> 00:07:13,120
- I mean, you don't know that, but...
- In fact...
204
00:07:13,122 --> 00:07:16,022
I know how to make
- a sweet memory even sweeter.
205
00:07:16,024 --> 00:07:17,590
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
206
00:07:17,592 --> 00:07:21,227
Abbi, you are the best thing
207
00:07:21,229 --> 00:07:22,517
that's ever come into my life,
208
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:24,063
and I know I'm taking a big swing here,
209
00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:25,765
but I'm just gonna go for it.
210
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:28,167
So, as I look for a roommate
to replace Jaimé,
211
00:07:28,169 --> 00:07:29,568
I'm thinking, like,
212
00:07:29,570 --> 00:07:31,337
"Abbi and I spend
a lot of time together.
213
00:07:31,339 --> 00:07:33,368
"We get along." [LAUGHS]
214
00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:36,575
Why not spend more time together?
215
00:07:36,577 --> 00:07:39,178
I'm talking covering each
other's rent once in a while.
216
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:42,014
I'm talking knowing what
each other's orgasms sound like
217
00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:44,083
instead of merely fantasizing about it.
218
00:07:44,085 --> 00:07:45,118
[CHUCKLES]
219
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,653
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams...
220
00:07:48,655 --> 00:07:51,256
[SMOOCHING]
221
00:07:51,258 --> 00:07:54,059
will you be my roommate?
222
00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:55,160
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
223
00:07:55,162 --> 00:07:58,463
[SIGHS]
224
00:07:58,465 --> 00:07:59,831
Uh, I...
225
00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,199
You know what? [CLEARS THROAT]
226
00:08:01,201 --> 00:08:03,135
Don't even worry about it.
Never happened. Uh, I...
227
00:08:03,146 --> 00:08:04,602
[CHUCKLES] I-I get it.
228
00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:06,437
I acknowledged the swing-size,
229
00:08:06,439 --> 00:08:08,506
and I even secured a backup offer.
230
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:10,976
She's very fucking cool,
so it's... it's chill.
231
00:08:10,978 --> 00:08:12,244
It's... It's chill. I really...
232
00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:13,544
It's cool.
233
00:08:13,546 --> 00:08:15,213
No. No, no, no... Wait, wait, wait.
234
00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:16,581
Dude, not... It's...
235
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:17,715
[INHALES DEEPLY]
236
00:08:17,717 --> 00:08:19,317
Fuck. Okay.
237
00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,753
You're scaring me.
238
00:08:21,755 --> 00:08:24,721
I-I didn't want to tell you
when we were in here.
239
00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:25,890
All right, all right.
240
00:08:25,892 --> 00:08:27,658
I-I was going to tell you today.
241
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,594
Um, I got accepted
242
00:08:30,596 --> 00:08:33,964
to an artists' residency program
243
00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:38,202
in Boulder...
244
00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:41,438
Colorado.
245
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,441
And I'm gonna go.
246
00:08:45,912 --> 00:08:49,379
I was, um, gonna sell my shit
247
00:08:49,381 --> 00:08:55,285
and use this as an opportunity to move.
248
00:08:55,287 --> 00:08:58,021
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
249
00:08:58,225 --> 00:08:59,858
- What...
- Ilana!
250
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:01,426
- the fuck...
- Dude? Ilana?
251
00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:03,261
- are you talking about?!
- Ow!
252
00:09:03,263 --> 00:09:04,596
Ilana, um...
253
00:09:04,598 --> 00:09:07,398
We need to get you into therapy today.
254
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,735
This is an emergency, okay?!
255
00:09:09,737 --> 00:09:11,069
This is an emergency!
256
00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,604
Okay, fun fact-o, Ilana...
257
00:09:12,606 --> 00:09:15,774
Did you know that you
could fly to Boulder
258
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:17,575
on a connecting flight through O'Hare
259
00:09:17,577 --> 00:09:20,860
with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42?
I mean...
260
00:09:20,871 --> 00:09:23,539
I had never looked up how
to fly to "Boulder."
261
00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:24,602
Ew!
262
00:09:24,613 --> 00:09:26,012
- All right, all right.
- O'Hare?!
263
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,452
I don't know what that is!
264
00:09:27,454 --> 00:09:28,486
Is that Gaelic?!
265
00:09:28,488 --> 00:09:29,587
This is a little...
266
00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:30,956
Google, what is Boulder?!
267
00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,190
- [MAN MOANS]
- Jesus!
268
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:33,725
- No!
- God.
269
00:09:33,727 --> 00:09:35,381
You didn't even tell me
you were applying.
270
00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:37,398
Do you not consider me someone
to talk shit through with?
271
00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:40,931
- Are we not partners in that way?
- Of course I do, Ilana.
272
00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,468
You're my only friend.
273
00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:47,754
Well, I guess you've been
stuck with me for awhile,
274
00:09:47,765 --> 00:09:49,657
- but not anymore.
- [BROKEN GLASS CRUNCHES]
275
00:09:49,668 --> 00:09:51,976
No, dude, no. I-I don't feel that way.
276
00:09:51,978 --> 00:09:53,944
Ilana, wait. Just wait.
277
00:09:53,946 --> 00:09:56,447
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
278
00:09:59,252 --> 00:10:01,118
Oh, my goodness.
279
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,887
Ilana? [CHUCKLES]
280
00:10:02,889 --> 00:10:04,656
Yeah. Vulva.
281
00:10:04,658 --> 00:10:07,958
You have ruined the best part of
this interactive production for me.
282
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,093
Not now.
283
00:10:09,095 --> 00:10:11,461
I'm sorry, dude. I-I'm sorry.
284
00:10:11,463 --> 00:10:14,799
I feel really stuck in my life
right now, okay?
285
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:16,000
Nope. Nothing.
286
00:10:16,002 --> 00:10:17,467
I need a change.
287
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:19,469
This is just like you with grad school.
288
00:10:19,471 --> 00:10:21,806
I mean, you were settling into a track
289
00:10:21,808 --> 00:10:23,740
and figuring out your career.
290
00:10:23,742 --> 00:10:25,642
Yeah, but I picked a school in New York.
291
00:10:25,644 --> 00:10:28,813
I factored you in.
I always factor you in.
292
00:10:28,815 --> 00:10:30,815
Otherwise, I would've talked
to you about it.
293
00:10:30,817 --> 00:10:34,451
I know. I-I know. I-I'm sorry.
294
00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,354
Well, does... does anybody else know?
295
00:10:37,356 --> 00:10:41,257
I mean, I just talked to my mom
and... and your mom.
296
00:10:41,259 --> 00:10:43,327
You told my mom?!
297
00:10:43,329 --> 00:10:45,028
That is so violating to me.
298
00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:46,262
Ugh!
299
00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:50,166
I'm sorry. Just hold on a second.
300
00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:51,868
Ilana?
301
00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:54,404
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
302
00:10:54,406 --> 00:10:57,741
♪♪
303
00:10:57,743 --> 00:11:01,164
[SIGHS] What a bitch.
304
00:11:04,362 --> 00:11:05,395
[SLURPS]
305
00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:08,051
Ilana, come on.
306
00:11:08,053 --> 00:11:12,755
I... can... not believe...
307
00:11:12,757 --> 00:11:15,524
that you would not tell me this shit
308
00:11:15,526 --> 00:11:17,593
if there was even a chance of you going.
309
00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:21,430
Dude, I was scared. I-I
mean, I'm still scared.
310
00:11:21,432 --> 00:11:23,432
Do you think that I want to leave you?
311
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:26,034
[SCOFFS] No, I almost wish
I didn't even get in
312
00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:27,503
so I wouldn't even have to do this.
313
00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:28,604
Ha ha ha.
314
00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:29,805
Like you're not gonna get in
315
00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,741
to some art program you apply to.
316
00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:36,144
You are the best artist
in the world of all time!
317
00:11:36,146 --> 00:11:37,913
No, I'm not.
318
00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:39,882
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.
319
00:11:39,884 --> 00:11:42,518
I need to go out and do this thing
320
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,854
and... and have an audience
that's more than just you
321
00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:47,789
and... and my parents.
322
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,557
This is the first opportunity I have had
323
00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:53,327
to finally live and breathe art
324
00:11:53,329 --> 00:11:55,229
rather than breathing in,
325
00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:57,899
like, leftover prosciutto-wrapped dates
326
00:11:57,901 --> 00:12:00,368
that I stole from my catering gig.
327
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,069
They're so good, though.
328
00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:04,572
Yeah, I know. That's why
I continually take them,
329
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:06,574
but, I mean, then rats come,
330
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,643
and I just, like, haven't
figured out how to...
331
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,911
It wouldn't be an issue
332
00:12:09,913 --> 00:12:11,713
and you wouldn't have to leave New York
333
00:12:11,715 --> 00:12:13,415
if you just flushed them down the toilet
334
00:12:13,417 --> 00:12:14,783
or wrapped them in tinfoil
335
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,551
and then put them
in a five-gallon Ziploc.
336
00:12:16,553 --> 00:12:18,620
It's not about me not knowing
how to flush them.
337
00:12:18,622 --> 00:12:19,921
It's not about that.
338
00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:21,655
I mean, it is a teeny bit about, like,
339
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,657
the methodical strategies
340
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:25,793
in which we have to avoid rats.
341
00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:27,661
For the past eight years,
342
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:32,099
I have cleaned out
- hundreds of people's pubes
343
00:12:32,101 --> 00:12:33,600
out of toilet bowls.
344
00:12:33,602 --> 00:12:38,772
So many strangers... so many...
345
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:40,274
have thrown up on me.
346
00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:43,610
You do get thrown up on
an exorbitant amount.
347
00:12:43,612 --> 00:12:45,612
Yeah.
348
00:12:45,614 --> 00:12:50,151
Dude, I am 30 years old.
349
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,852
I'm done with New York.
350
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,687
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Yeah.
351
00:12:54,689 --> 00:12:56,489
I get it.
352
00:12:56,491 --> 00:12:58,558
I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
353
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,793
I'm really... I'm gross.
354
00:13:00,795 --> 00:13:03,463
I made this all about me,
and it's not about me.
355
00:13:03,465 --> 00:13:05,698
But I thought you would've told me,
356
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,834
but, you know, I just need time.
357
00:13:07,836 --> 00:13:09,769
I need time to process this, I...
358
00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:12,439
process the thought of you leaving.
359
00:13:12,441 --> 00:13:14,874
Once I have that for a few months,
360
00:13:14,876 --> 00:13:16,843
[SIGHS] you know, whatever...
see my therapist,
361
00:13:16,845 --> 00:13:18,511
double up for a little while,
362
00:13:18,513 --> 00:13:20,646
and... and push it through a little bit.
363
00:13:20,648 --> 00:13:22,983
Just a little time, and it'll be okay.
364
00:13:22,985 --> 00:13:26,319
I'll be there to support you, I promise.
365
00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:30,022
So, speaking of...
366
00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:32,324
- Sorry.
- Speaking of time...
367
00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:34,793
Speaking of... Uh, speaking of time...
368
00:13:34,795 --> 00:13:37,196
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
369
00:13:37,198 --> 00:13:38,530
[CLEARS THROAT]
370
00:13:38,532 --> 00:13:44,069
So, the... the program
starts in two weeks.
371
00:13:44,071 --> 00:13:46,571
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
372
00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:51,076
♪♪
373
00:13:51,078 --> 00:13:53,940
What... are... you talking about?!
374
00:13:53,951 --> 00:13:55,314
- [CLATTERING]
- Don't leave!
375
00:13:55,316 --> 00:13:56,482
Oh, my God. Stop doing this.
376
00:13:56,484 --> 00:13:58,350
We've had years together, bitch!
377
00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,419
- You crazy fucking bitch!
- Holy shit.
378
00:14:00,421 --> 00:14:03,154
- What are you talking about?!
- Ilana, stop. Ilana?
379
00:14:03,156 --> 00:14:05,256
- [SCREAMS]
- [CROWD GASPS]
380
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:08,959
[RUSTLING, APPLAUSE]
381
00:14:12,682 --> 00:14:15,450
So, uh, what do you want to do now?
382
00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:17,461
I think we should just go home.
383
00:14:17,463 --> 00:14:20,530
Come on, Ilana. We can't
end today like this.
384
00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:22,031
It's still early.
385
00:14:22,033 --> 00:14:26,069
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
386
00:14:26,071 --> 00:14:27,704
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
387
00:14:27,706 --> 00:14:29,439
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Thank you.
388
00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,174
Wow. Oh, my God.
389
00:14:31,176 --> 00:14:34,310
I need something in my stomach so bad.
390
00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:36,521
Mmm!
391
00:14:39,817 --> 00:14:42,518
Are you not... you're not into it?
392
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,553
I'm just not that hungry.
393
00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:47,190
Ilana...
394
00:14:47,192 --> 00:14:48,491
you are the best friend
395
00:14:48,493 --> 00:14:51,694
I have ever had in my whole life.
396
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:55,031
And I know that everybody is leaving.
397
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,466
I'm sorry. I know that this is, like,
398
00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:59,702
the worst timing.
399
00:14:59,704 --> 00:15:03,672
I just... Dude, I...
400
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,342
I need to, like, change my life.
401
00:15:06,344 --> 00:15:09,978
I could do this in New York
with you forever.
402
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:12,080
Exactly.
403
00:15:12,082 --> 00:15:16,385
I don't want to.
404
00:15:16,387 --> 00:15:19,422
Not because of you... not because
I don't want to do this with you.
405
00:15:19,424 --> 00:15:22,024
It's just, I'm gonna be illustrating
406
00:15:22,026 --> 00:15:23,526
all day, every day.
407
00:15:23,528 --> 00:15:26,762
Like, all the time, I'm
gonna be immersed in it.
408
00:15:26,764 --> 00:15:30,900
I need you to be with me
for this next journey, dude.
409
00:15:30,902 --> 00:15:34,570
I... Like, I need that.
410
00:15:34,572 --> 00:15:37,640
You ruined "Sleep No More" for me.
411
00:15:37,642 --> 00:15:40,943
I didn't even get to get off
during the orgy scene.
412
00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:44,078
Get off? In the... In the room?
413
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,582
People do. It's really dark.
414
00:15:47,584 --> 00:15:52,720
You know, Ab, I've always
looked up to you,
415
00:15:52,722 --> 00:15:54,923
and I've always admired you
416
00:15:54,925 --> 00:15:57,892
for being a deep and mysterious queen,
417
00:15:57,894 --> 00:16:01,195
but I'm gonna be...
418
00:16:01,197 --> 00:16:03,264
right there with you.
419
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,968
I'm gonna watch you and...
420
00:16:06,970 --> 00:16:10,104
let you fly, or whatever.
421
00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:16,176
I know that this residency
is gonna be a good experi...
422
00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:17,711
[GAGS] Ew.
423
00:16:17,713 --> 00:16:19,045
[COUGHS]
424
00:16:19,047 --> 00:16:21,314
- Mm. Wow. Sorry.
- You all right?
425
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:24,918
What I mean to say is that I know
426
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,955
that this experience is necessary
427
00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:31,057
for your [GAGGING] growth. Ew.
428
00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:34,962
[COUGHING]
429
00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:36,029
Okay.
430
00:16:36,031 --> 00:16:37,130
Sorry. Sorry.
431
00:16:37,132 --> 00:16:38,331
You all right? Okay.
432
00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:41,167
I'm really proud of you.
433
00:16:41,169 --> 00:16:44,037
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
434
00:16:44,039 --> 00:16:45,806
Thank you so much, dude.
435
00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:48,074
That means the world to me, really.
436
00:16:48,076 --> 00:16:50,276
Listen, Ilana, you're gonna become,
437
00:16:50,278 --> 00:16:52,845
like, this badass therapist
who teaches people to grow
438
00:16:52,847 --> 00:16:54,807
the way you helped me grow.
439
00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:57,111
I mean, you're gonna teach them
how to feel their feelings
440
00:16:57,122 --> 00:16:59,352
and how to do sex the right way.
441
00:16:59,354 --> 00:17:02,122
- There's no right way.
- See?
442
00:17:02,124 --> 00:17:03,823
This is what I'm talking about.
443
00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:05,858
Can I ask one thing of you?
444
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:08,561
Anything, dude. Whatever.
445
00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:11,531
I want more of your hair.
446
00:17:13,468 --> 00:17:15,468
I want a long-ass tail for sniffing.
447
00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:18,071
Uh...
448
00:17:18,073 --> 00:17:19,339
[SCISSORS SLICE]
449
00:17:20,766 --> 00:17:22,199
I-I shape my phone wigs
450
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:24,377
when the train gets stuck
between stations.
451
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,311
Um, so...
452
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,880
Okay. Sure.
453
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,683
I-I-I would love to.
454
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,218
Ab.
455
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,454
I'm not talking about shavings.
456
00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:36,855
The root.
457
00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:40,025
You should feel metal
on your scalp skin.
458
00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:41,660
Okay.
459
00:17:41,662 --> 00:17:43,195
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [SCISSORS SNIP]
460
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,802
Thank you.
461
00:17:52,773 --> 00:17:54,306
Okay.
462
00:17:54,308 --> 00:17:56,675
[SNIFFS]
463
00:17:56,677 --> 00:17:59,044
[SIGHS]
464
00:17:59,046 --> 00:18:02,646
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know
when the sun's gonna set,
465
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,615
but maybe we can, like,
walk a little bit down...
466
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:06,584
Okay.
467
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,718
Talk soon.
468
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,487
Okay, handshake.
469
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,695
♪♪
470
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,365
Yeah, so, you can move in
straight up tomorrow.
471
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:25,203
Yes! Amazing! Thank you!
472
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,705
And I'm sorry about that
backup-offer shit before.
473
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,673
I promise I will be a normal roommate.
474
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,310
Oh, I-I forgot to tell you
one small thing...
475
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:36,946
Well, actually, two really big things.
476
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,848
I have two Great Danes.
477
00:18:38,850 --> 00:18:40,717
Is that cool?
478
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,586
Yeah.
479
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,754
Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs.
480
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,124
- Later.
- [CELLPHONE CHIRPS]
481
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,400
Okay.
482
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:52,662
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
483
00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:54,564
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS]
484
00:18:54,566 --> 00:19:00,337
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
485
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:05,742
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
486
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:11,813
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
487
00:19:11,815 --> 00:19:15,884
♪ I felt anxious when I came ♪
488
00:19:16,379 --> 00:19:19,515
Oh, my God. Lookit, they love you!
489
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,126
- Mm.
- [DOGS BARKING]
490
00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:23,394
Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go,
come on, come on.
491
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:24,729
Come with Mama.
492
00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:26,526
Come on, let's go.
493
00:19:26,537 --> 00:19:28,671
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
494
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,202
Ugh.
495
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,370
[CELLPHONE BEEPING]
496
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,244
[BREATHES DEEPLY] What?
497
00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:36,625
Okay, um, Ilana, please don't hang up.
498
00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,276
I-I know you need space right now,
499
00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:39,917
and... and I really want
to respect that,
500
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,623
but you have asked me this...
501
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:46,560
hundreds of times, literally,
since the moment I met you,
502
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:50,440
and it looks like today is the day.
503
00:19:53,936 --> 00:19:55,769
I'm gonna show you my poop.
504
00:19:55,771 --> 00:19:57,304
[CHUCKLES]
505
00:19:57,306 --> 00:19:59,306
Oh, my God.
506
00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:00,807
This means so much to me.
507
00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,343
Okay.
508
00:20:03,345 --> 00:20:05,845
Here we go.
509
00:20:05,847 --> 00:20:06,980
[GASPS]
510
00:20:06,982 --> 00:20:10,084
[LAUGHS CRAZILY]
511
00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,518
Fuck!
512
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,020
Queen! You must be an Ashkenazi Jew
513
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:16,590
'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant!
514
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:18,125
- Right?
- No way could that have been
515
00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:19,726
all in your stomach at one time!
516
00:20:19,728 --> 00:20:22,027
It was definitely exiting your esophagus
517
00:20:22,029 --> 00:20:23,862
as it was entering your small intestine.
518
00:20:23,864 --> 00:20:25,198
- Whoo!
- I do feel lighter.
519
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,633
Hoo! Thank you. Wow.
520
00:20:27,635 --> 00:20:30,603
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Ilana,
I needed that to work, dude.
521
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:33,072
I am so sorry, and I knew
522
00:20:33,074 --> 00:20:36,375
that showing you my poop
would cheer you up.
523
00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,177
♪ My poop ♪
524
00:20:38,179 --> 00:20:40,580
♪ My poop, my poop ♪
525
00:20:40,582 --> 00:20:42,348
♪ My [DEEP VOICE] poop ♪
526
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,005
- You sound good.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Thanks.
527
00:20:44,016 --> 00:20:46,252
I-I did it a few times
before I called you.
528
00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:49,021
You know, I-I guess this distance thing
529
00:20:49,023 --> 00:20:51,090
could make us closer in some ways.
530
00:20:51,092 --> 00:20:52,691
Thank you for saying that.
531
00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,827
Ab.
532
00:20:54,829 --> 00:20:56,328
Can I see it one more time?
533
00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:57,862
Okay, one more time.
534
00:20:57,864 --> 00:20:59,297
And then I really have to flush,
535
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,533
'cause I, like, can't breathe
in here anymore.
536
00:21:01,535 --> 00:21:03,668
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh, Jesus.
537
00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:05,069
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Dude, no!
538
00:21:05,071 --> 00:21:08,206
Ilana, no screenshots. Delete that.
That's not fair.
539
00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,776
- Yamaneika! Come here!
- [DOG BARKS]
540
00:21:11,025 --> 00:21:13,626
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
541
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:17,070
Ilana, I need to talk to you
about something.
542
00:21:17,072 --> 00:21:20,534
I got accepted into
an artists' residency program
543
00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:24,110
in Boulder, Colorado.
544
00:21:24,112 --> 00:21:28,261
Ilana, say something!
For crying out loud, dude!
545
00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:29,404
Talk to me!
36120
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof