Original subtitles

Thank you.

Is that right?

Perfect fit.

You know, I've not read about these anywhere, Arthur.

Car mags and that.

It's too recent an innovation, Wally. But it's only a matter of time before

world press starts singing their praises, which is why I'm suggesting you

now before the prices go through the roof.

If I do work, I mean, you've got time to do everything.

Oh, guaranteed.

I mean, instead of slinging your hands in front of your face and screaming, you

just pull this little toggle at the side and the body protector inflates and

saves you from very nasty injury.

And remember, the body protector goes with you on those terrifying occasions

when the learners insist on using their own cars.

And it does, of course, conform to all known British safety standards.

There's Italian Navy on the side here.

Yeah, and it's merely colour -coding.

One up from Royal Blue.

What do you reckon, then?

All right.

Why not?

I'd have taken up boxing as a career if I wanted to get smacked this often.

Wally, is there anything you'd like to tell me?

How do you mean?

Well, I mean, all these accidents.

You were in control of the vehicles, were you?

Of course.

You didn't get a little tired or emotional during a lesson?

Never.

What do you want about Arthur?

The do -it -yourself -off licence.

Oh, no, it's not like that, Arthur.

No, I never touch it at work.

No, I've not had a chance to shift it, that's all.

You've been done. This is all foreign.

Of course it is. That's why I brought it abroad.

I go once a month.

France. Stock up on supplies.

A sea journey.

Oh, doesn't the supermarket stock this stuff?

Cost, Arthur. Save a fortune.

Especially now they've got these new rules.

What new rules? Beers and wine and that. You can bring back tonnes of the stuff.

Provided it's for personal use.

Yes, Europe, what's done here?

Do you know, I saved over 200 quid on what this stuff would have cost me in

England. 200?

The more you buy, the more you save.

Well, it must be a system that's sadly open to abuse.

I mean, how do they know it's for personal use?

Check the articles, I suppose.

The rest of the time, they trust people to be honest.

An Englishman's greatest virtue, Wally.

No, it's too risky, Arthur.

I'm happy the way things are.

Dave, remember the words of Kennedy.

Ask not what the Winchester can do for you, but rather what you can do for the

Winchester. Ich einem Binleiner.

I mean, look at what it's costing us.

We need to sell this at twice what we are now to make a decent profit.

Put it on the slate, Dave. Thanks, Arthur.

Dave, this is an opportunity we can ill afford to miss.

Yeah, sounds good to me, if the figures are right. Yeah, but what about my

licence tray? If customers find out we're planning to sell the drinks on,

out of creek.

Dave, unless the Winchester can pull itself out of the mire... financial

-expansion. Our licence won't be worth printing anyway. Yeah, but it's me what

is taking the chance, Arthur. It's my name over the door. Look, if we told

customs it was Dipso Pete's birthday and we were getting him provisions, we

could drive two lorry loads through and we still wouldn't be lying.

No, no, I'm sorry, Arthur. It is not worth it. That's my final word.

Very well.

You force me to offload via my other outlets.

But, Dave, perhaps after the first trip... When you see the magnitude of

savings, you might be able to conquer your fears.

Are we still up for it, then, Arthur? Ray, there is a European liquor lake out

there, and you and me are going to take the plunge.

What you

got

there?

First rule of an import undertaking, Ray.

Always have something to export for the outward leg.

Well, that's all 1968.

Isn't it a bit dream?

Yeah, I always thought that a bit previous.

What are you going to do with them? You are going to customise them, Ray. Fresh

liquor paint, beautifully worked with a metal file, and you are looking at two

dozen eminently sellable Eiffel Towers.

These look nothing like the Eiffel Tower.

Trust me, Ray.

To all but the most trained architectural eye, once you crown the

with a French flag, those will be the real thing.

Dave, thank goodness. I need to check in the storeroom. Do you keep a spare key

somewhere?

What are you doing? Having a sweep around?

I won't be long.

What are you doing here?

It seems ridiculous, me venturing into foreign parts on a booze run and not

taking the opportunity to replenish one or two depleted items.

Arthur, we've been... Dave, you were here all the time. You didn't know what

was doing. You thought it was from Mario's on the corner. Your licence is

secure. That is not the point, Arthur.

Anyway, you don't know what we need.

I do spend a bit of time in this place, Dave. I know which way the poison's

flowing. Two crates of gin, two crates of whiskey, and I thought we'd get half

dozen bottles of that yellow stuff.

Brighten the place up a bit.

That has been here ever since John Charles left for Juventus. We don't need

more of that. Nobody touches it.

Dave, I'll take the Ronnie Biggs approach on this one. You're either in

you're out.

Somewhere in between is no place to be.

Six bottles of yellow stuff.

No, no, bring those up front, Ray. And careful with them. They're very nearly

antique.

What are you doing?

Headlight. You have to adjust them before they let you on the roads over

God knows why.

You know, Arthur, I can't believe we're actually going to do it. I mean, it is

abroad and nobody's making you go.

Ray, we can no longer think of ourselves as an island race.

The businessman who stands still today is a goner.

You nearly ready? Not half. Been raring to go all morning. Ray, I want you in

the right frame of mind for this trip. This is a commercial venture, not a day

out to Canvey Island.

This could be the beginning of a regular entente de... What's its name?

I want them to know they're dealing with kosher businessmen, not dopey tourists

looking for a bit of gorgonzola.

Arthur, we get off the ferry, bang round the hypermarsh, spend the rest of the

day sampling the local vino.

I mean, it's a bit hard to treat like a major international summit.

Typically, Ray, you'll fail to appreciate the finer points of this

What are you talking about? We are not going to be duped like the thousands of

Brits who make this trip once a year.

The supermarket lark is for mugs only.

But that's where you go, Arthur. That's where you get your bargains.

Where else is there? I have a contact, Ray.

Suffice it to say, he has guaranteed to supply all the gear we need direct from

the supplier at rock -bottom prices.

A contact?

In France?

The daily enterprise's offshore involvement is best kept under wraps.

it from me, my man will see us right.

Yes, sir, do you manage with the language?

The world of international commerce has its own vocabulary, Ray.

Dave, what are you doing here?

I couldn't stand the thought of you going all that way and coming back with

crates of booze I couldn't shift.

Arthur. If you are determined to go through with this, you are going to need

purchasing advisor.

Dave, I find such loyalty very touching.

And when it comes to state settling time, I won't disappoint.

Climb aboard.

Put them there, Arthur. I can't see.

Well, go and put them somewhere prominent.

Why don't you stick them on the back?

Dave, much as I appreciate your sudden appearance from the subs bench, need I

remind you we all have specific duties on this trip.

Ray is in charge of language and lifting. You get to taste the wine. I am

charge of creative policy decisions.

You look a bit pale.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm not. I'm looking forward to it.

We're stocking up for private use.

What are you telling me for?

Keep calm and don't forget.

Look them straight in the eye.

Don't flinch.

You ain't done nothing wrong yet, Arthur.

That is not the point, Dave. If you're the slightest bit shifty, they remember

you. I gleaned that much from the bloke at the travel agency.

I knew this was a bad idea.

You may be feeling the first tremors of the jitters, Dave.

I am in total command.

Oi! Oi!

What's up, what?

What are you doing?

I'm not having a... Ray, sit still.

Oi! Your mother didn't spend all them long hours dragging you back to school

you could start brawling with a tiller at the first chance. He's right, Ray.

There's lots of them.

You don't want to cause a fuss.

Look at them, look.

Every customer comes in at four o 'clock in them.

Ask him for a run, sir.

Enjoy yourself.

Boss box.

Kilt.

What's going on? You let the stormtroopers straight through.

Thank you.

See the stare he gave me.

You all right,

officer?

Eh? Oh, yes, thanks.

Our usual car broke down, so we had to bring this van.

Amazing little vehicles, these.

Amazing what you can get in them.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

Though I must say, I personally haven't taken advantage of that particular

feature.

I'm not in a habit of transporting goods in this, ever.

But I have this friend who's an alcoholic, and he does appreciate a lift

the back when he's had a drop too much.

Still, now you've got it, stop up on a bit of booze, eh?

Oh, no.

No, no, I never touch the stuff, personally.

The last time those cliffs had to bear witness to foreign hordes was 1066.

We've had the place to ourselves for nearly a thousand years.

A pity we didn't keep it that way.

That is just the kind of blinkered view the new European has got to conquer,

Dave. We've got to remember we're all part of a community.

Hands across the ocean.

Starting with our nearest neighbours.

Yeah, this isn't what you used to say.

Oh, you've got to remember all them little upsets. What, like Agincourt,

Years' War, that sort of thing? Mere blips in an otherwise harmonious

coexistence, Ray. I mean, look at the last big dust -up, the Great Allies.

Admittedly, there was a bit of early bottling out on their part, but all said

and done, we fought hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

The French and the English are of the same stock, separated by a little bit of

briny, but carved from the same bough.

When all's said and done, one man's cock of air is another man's chicken in the

basket.

This is the second time we've been round here, Arthur. Told you before, we

should have turned right.

No, it must be left.

Left, look up there.

The town centre's the other way.

You've got us lost already, Arthur.

Would it help if they had proper signs in English?

It would help if we knew where we was going.

Ah, but where will we meet this here contact?

Henry. Henri.

Outside a cafe. It's got a French name.

You can't miss it. It's got tables outside.

It's like trying to spot sand dunes in the desert. Your attitude isn't helping,

Ray. Don't you remember what it sounded like, Arthur, like English words?

No, I wasn't paying attention.

I mean, I thought it would stand out like a beacon.

Yeah, what about this one?

Chez Madeleine. No, no, that's not it.

Look, can't you ask, can't you use your special knowledge?

What special knowledge? The talking, the French talking. Yeah, but I don't know

what I'm asking for.

I'm going to have a sit down. My feet's killing me.

Shut them out, Ray.

Monsieur? Oui, maintenant, un, deux, trois, trois cafés crèmes, s 'il vous

plaît. Merci. No ice in mine, and don't drown it with the tonic.

I can't believe it.

I beg your pardon? I thought of you so often.

I haven't seen you at all.

Excuse me, I don't know you.

Charlie, it is you.

No.

What would I have done?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You look like a friend I knew a long time ago.

An English soldier.

You have...

The same military bearing.

Well, one never loses the appearance of a coiled spring.

And I have done my bit for Queen and Country, but sadly, not the squaddy of

memory.

Arthur Daly, at your service.

It's my pleasure and honour to have any British serviceman at my table.

Oh, this is your place?

Mm -hm.

Chez Madeleine.

It used to be Chez Jacques, but since I was widowed... Chez?

Oh, no, no, no, excuse me for the confusion.

And I hope you'll join me for something a little more stronger.

How kind. Our interpreter seems to be a little bit ring -rusty on the food and

drink front.

Good,

charming woman.

At last.

Henri, je m 'appelle Raimondo.

Arthur, what happened? I thought you got into trouble.

Hello, Henry. What are you doing here?

Oh, hello, Dave. How are you?

Hold up.

Are you him, Henri?

Well, I prefer it with a Y, but I'm not fussed.

Now, listen, there's a couple of things we need to get sorted out.

Let's get back to my play.

Well, can we discuss it here? I mean, it seems a pity to move when everyone's so

comfortable.

Not the place to live, you know, Arthur. Not if you've got a nervous stomach.

Food is lethal.

Look, could we consider the state of your health at a later date, Henry?

Now, about our gear.

What can I say?

I'm sorry.

The delivery should have been there today, but there's been some sort of

-up.

It isn't due in now till tomorrow, so there's no point in us going round to

warehouse, because there'll be nothing there.

Marvellous. Well, what happens now?

There's plenty of places for you to stay. I'll sort you out somewhere.

Look, I've got to get back. I've got a bar to see to.

Look, we don't want to chuck the baby out with a bathwater.

Oh, excuse me. I must get that ringer fixed.

I thought you had this organised, Arthur. It was I thinking you was

European co -development deals.

Turns out you made a couple of calls to an old mate from the smoke.

Yeah, I wish you'd said something, Arthur. I mean, Henry's never been

He gets too wound up.

Best thing is to get down the upper market and stock up there.

Right. We've got to get back tonight, Arthur. Look, it's just a matter of

finding a decent B &B, keeping down for the night and completing the deal in the

morning. Yeah, I wonder if that place where we had coffee does rooms. Oh,

Arthur, if I did know you better... All right, you want to settle for second

best, go ahead.

I'm going to get Henry to help me try and shift the rifles.

That was one of my men.

The stock will definitely be there tomorrow.

It's A1 stuff and it doesn't come any cheaper.

Yet sadly, the English spirit of adventure is lacking in my two

Henry. They're about to do the co -op run.

You've been away with him before, Dave, haven't you? Long time ago. We went to

Grimsby. Had to drop in on this geezer what owed him some money.

And how was he? How do you mean?

Well, you know, he didn't let his hair down, did he?

No more than usual.

Yeah, one night we had a few too many, but nothing serious.

No, not like that. I mean, he wasn't interested in, well, like, playing away.

Playing away?

Yeah, it didn't strike you that he was ever involved with any of the, uh, away

-from -home stuff?

Oh, no, he stopped playing by then. It was ligaments, you know.

In any case, we was out of season.

Why are you asking?

Dave, the widow, Madeleine, she seems a bit keen.

Oh, no, that sort of stuff. No, there's no worries there, Ray. I knows Arthur.

Thank God for that.

I would have been out to look auntie in the eye.

Yeah, we'd better crack on.

I've always admired French.

De Gaulle, Pompidou, Distel, leaders of men.

Yes, but for your bravery in the war, what would we be now?

Oh. Please, my part was but modest.

And any minor arthritic condition I'm suffering from due to the fateful

gun assault is well worthwhile to see you here enjoying the fruits of your

labour.

Oh, you scared me to death lurking around in here.

You haven't been lurking. We've been waiting.

It was Arthur.

Well, we didn't get rid of any of the Eiffels. I dropped him off in town.

He was due back here an hour ago.

Well, he never said anything.

I thought you knew where he was.

Yeah, we probably do.

Arthur, what do you think you're doing?

What are you talking about? We've had nothing solid since the ferry. Oh, come

on, hurry up.

What's he on about?

We'll miss the ferry, Arthur. We've got loads of time. Arthur, you haven't put

your watch forward. You're an hour late.

Come on, Arthur. Oh, my God.

Commander Lane, I'm sorry to have to leave you like this.

Captain Daly, a great pleasure to see you, if ever you come again.

Without fail.

Today's venture is but the beginning.

Arthur!

Well, it's no good looking at me like that.

I didn't know there was only so much room.

First come, first served. Oh, yeah, it's all very well being wise after the

event. And what are we going to do now?

Well, I'm not hanging around waiting for another one.

What's French for en suite facility?

All I'm saying is that Madeleine is an excellent hostess, and we're known to

her. It seems a logical place to stop.

But it is a cafe, Arthur.

It doesn't do rooms.

You sure it means full?

Positive.

Why don't we kick in the van?

Look, there's a blankie in the back. We could open a bottle of booze, we'd be a

bit of a lark.

You ever thought of becoming a scout, Master Dave?

There's no sign there.

Perseverance, Ray.

Seek and you shall find.

I'm not

switching the lights off till I hear him speak.

Nice.

You want an extra room, you pay.

We've done all our cash at the hypermarket. And if you remember, the

end the day Shea Winchester.

What did you say this place was named after?

Le Bastille.

A state prison burnt down during the Revolution.

All of it.

I knew Shea Madeleine should have been our port de corps.

That looked more than capable of accommodating three weary travellers.

You don't look all that weary to me, Arthur.

She spoke excellent English. I'm sure I could have negotiated a favourable rate.

Look, we are not going back there again.

It may hold pleasant memories for you, Arthur, but for the rest of us, it

represents the first step on the slippery slope that leads us here.

Hey, what's happening?

Hold on to your valuables. No, no, no, it's all right.

It's only the lights.

Are you putting coins in there? Make a note. We get it knocked off the bill.

No, Arthur, it could be dying.

It's on a timer. It goes off once you get in bed.

Yeah, what are we going to do about that? I mean, my maths ain't top -notch,

but... Dave, there is no way I can ask you to take the chair or the cot.

Ray, take your pick. Oh, no way, Arthur. The person who calls the foul -up ought

to get the bad neck.

There is some disagreement about that one, Ray.

Another advantage of Shea Madeline is non -stop electricity.

Oh, uh... Look, as the older the purse strings, I think it's only fair that I

should get one of the beds.

Why? You are the person who forgot what time it was. You should get a back

-breaker. All right, all right.

We draw lots. What?

Dave?

Which hand is the coin in?

Well done, Dave.

Ray?

Which hand?

Left. A big pardon?

Left. What, do you mean my left or left as you're looking at me? Yeah, I mean

your left.

This one.

Oh, not again.

I think you said left brain.

Can I have a blanket?

Easy enough, a bit right.

The blood coming back, I think.

That'll be all right.

A nerve of a man.

Charges for breakfast.

So? What, crumbly bread rolls and a cup of coffee?

Where was the kippers and the kedgeree? Oh, but let's not argue about it. As

soon as you get home, you can have a full fry -up. Right now, I just want to

back and have a shave and a shower. Yeah, me and all. And sort the

out. This would cost us a day's takings, Arthur.

How bad is it?

Left the Eiffel Towers.

If you'd listened to me in the first place, none of this would have happened.

If we'd caught the ferry last night, we could have been loaded and stuck into

the Winchester by now. I said we should have kept you in the van. Ray could have

hit him with a bottle of claret. You want a job doing, do it yourself.

Why didn't you then? Because no man can run an empire on his own, Ray. As soon

as a casual labour's in place, the old enterprise collapses.

And that's what you were doing at Shea Mad Lane's, was it? Managing your

Now, come on, let's not fall out over this. It was just one of them things.

We can claim all the insurance.

We can claim all the insurance, Arthur. I passed on that particular option.

You did what?

Look, it's 20 miles.

They're supposed to be our friends.

What could go wrong?

Let's see.

Let's see what we can say.

Have another word.

Show him your passport, Her Britannic Majesty.

Aren't they no good, Arthur? Blow on the desk and the inspector's busy.

Let him see us when he can.

Does he know who we are?

I hope you told him we're not here for some trifling reason.

We are victims of an international incident.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Commissaire Rocher.

Thank you. Ray, leave this to me. You translate, I'll tell him what we want.

Arthur Daly, London, England.

Now, look here.

There's supposed to be a new age of solidarity in Europe. One for all and

for one.

Now, while this is the case, in our green and pleasant land, I have grave

about your lot.

Monsieur... It's all very well welcoming us off the boat with a smile and a

wave, but where is the notice saying, hang on to your wallet?

I mean, I wouldn't mind, but I flogged a Renault last week. I gave it a glowing

reference. And what is my reward?

I am not here but 24 hours before a gang of French tea leaves has it away with

the entire contents of my van.

I mean, we try. We try to forget the unsavoury incidents of the past. The odd

invasion.

De Gaulle and his mates not letting us join the Common Market, just when it

would be worth having a dip.

Tons of British lamb carcasses strewn willy -nilly across the autobahn. But in

the end, you have to face facts.

Lord Nelson had it right.

Well, that's it.

You don't want to be more specific?

Perhaps you'd better mention Colditz or wherever we happened to spend last

night. Tell them to get health inspector around there. But be firm.

They are notoriously slow at getting anything done unless you put your foot

down.

Aye. I think maybe I'll paraphrase. There is no need.

My English is reasonably good.

Perhaps we should step into my office, if you have no objection.

Of a failing, we've probably got off on the wrong foot there.

Right, that's that.

I will give you a copy for your insurance purposes.

If we have any more information, we'll let you know. But to be quite frank, a

vanload of alcohol, it's unlikely.

Yes, sadly, our visit here and any insurance undertaking didn't quite

So what about a refund?

I mean, we spent a fortune on that booze.

I understand it was your two friends who purchased the goods.

Whatever personal allowance they chipped in is neither here nor there. I am

bankrolling the operation.

Operation? Visit.

I wish you'd stop behaving as if we'd done something wrong. We were going

our lawful business when we were burgled by a foreign faction.

Now, how about showing a bit of European cooperation and bunging us a few francs

for what we lost?

That's quite impossible.

I mean, you may have made up the whole story.

Do we look like fabricators?

Let's say that in France we try very hard not to give in to our prejudices.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.

I'm going French free when we get back. To think I was in the vanguard, putting

trade their way.

You'll regret plenty, I can tell you.

Right. What time's the next ferry?

Well, what can I get?

Yeah, and the next one's in three hours.

Well, we can't go back yet. We're still severely compromised on the cash front.

Oh, cut your losses off. Well, let's write the whole thing off as a bad idea.

No, we've got to recoup.

It's still not too late to contact Henry, work something out with him. We

still go back in credit.

But this whole thing's been a foul up from start to finish. We'd be stupid to

hang around any longer. I never thought I'd see a daily chuck my towel in so

early. I wish I'd brought one.

Oh, come on, Arthur, time's up.

All right, be it on your own head.

But the vanishing drinkables won't pay for themselves, you know. Come the end

the month, your wage packet could be a little on the light side.

Not his fault, Arthur. Oh, that's very noble of you to take some of the blame,

Dave. But that still doesn't reimburse me for the theft.

Look, Arthur, I'm going to find a nice cafe, sit down, have a glass of wine,

try and salvage one good memory from this whole expedition.

You can please yourself whether you join me or not.

You going with him?

It is a sensible thing to do, Arthur. Come on.

You got no money.

Cheers, love.

I only put all mine in paying for the booze.

I'll let you have your back when we get to England.

Come on, love.

No, I've got some unfinished business to do. I'll see you back at Hotel Alcatraz

in a couple of hours.

I'll take the van.

I thought you'd gone.

We decided your offer was too good to miss.

Well, what about the other stuff you bought?

Caught. Now, is our deal still on?

I don't know, Arthur. I mean, I wasn't expecting you. I'd had it all fixed up

for this afternoon, but it's getting late.

What a pity.

Me with all this money in my pocket.

Thank God for that bit of comfort at last, eh?

I think we did the right thing, Ray, sticking to this side of town. We don't

want to crab Arthur's style.

Yeah, that's beyond me. Why doesn't Amir?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with a fond farewell.

It's not like he's preparing to elope with her, is he?

Well, to absent friends.

Cheers.

On the right, Arthur. How many more times?

I told you I'm not used to this vehicle.

Well, left is left and right is right. It doesn't matter what you're driving.

Well, if you think you can do any better.

Arthur!

I need to follow the map.

We can hardly steam in down the main road now, can we?

Well, it seems like a very good idea to me.

Here.

Have one of these.

Beta blockers.

I've been known to have the odd aspirin on New Year's Day, Henry.

But I draw the line at anything stronger.

Nerves of steel, Arthur.

Tremendous.

It's just what we need.

Sir, this won't take too long, will it? I mean, I can't afford to be hanging

around.

Who can, Arthur?

Don't worry, straight in, straight out.

Arthur? Louis?

Louis? Arthur.

How do you do?

So far.

You, uh, you did translate that list I gave you in French, didn't you? You

all the gear I'm after.

Only, um... I had one little experience today that suggests the locals are a

drop or two short of a full optic.

There's no trouble, Arthur. We'll look after you.

Good.

Good.

It's not what Arthur go pursuing, women.

He never had to, Ray. It was always them pursuing him.

What, Arthur? Yeah.

What about?

I know it's hard to believe, Ray, but I always used to envy Arthur in the old

days. He was quite a pull.

He was sharp.

He had cash.

A moaner. The women used to flock round.

He gives me agoraphosimus to see the same girl twice.

Oh, well, he never used to see. He's always too busy ducking and diving.

Didn't want to get tied down.

Yeah, what happened with Aunty, then?

Oh, a legend, Ray.

She swept him off his feet.

He'd never looked at another woman since.

Till now.

Very good, Arthur. Make us all nice and comfy. Very nice.

They're keen, aren't they? Yeah, Pierre and Jean -Paul. I thought we might need

a bit of muscular help. Good thinking, Henry.

My back's not up to heavy lifting these days.

You wait here.

Come on.

Oi, careful.

They're breakables.

What's the rush?

Let's get in there, Arthur. They don't believe in a softly, softly approach, do

they? As you said, there's no point in hanging about.

Do you mind if we settle up now, Arthur? Oh, of course not.

There you go.

It's all there, but feel free to count it. Oh, no way.

Your word's legend.

Pleasure doing business.

Excuse the sweaty palm adrenaline.

What's that?

Oh, no.

What's happening?

Leg it, Arthur!

Ah, Mr. Daly, back so soon.

I do hope my men behaved in a way that was acceptable to you.

I must admit that on occasions they are unaccountably French.

You can't get him, Dave. He won't take any notes on me. What if he says he

five minutes more? Well, he can't have them, not unless he wants to do the

return leg solo.

Do what? And there's no sign of Madeleine either.

Oh, my God.

You'd better go and get him.

No way, Dave. You're his best friend. You go.

I'm sorry, Ray.

There are certain things that make you prepared. Yeah, but I'm family. Think of

the trauma.

Oh, good afternoon.

You've been shopping?

Yes. Is that the normal practice over here?

What do you mean?

Where's Arthur?

I haven't seen him.

I thought you had all left.

Please, try and see it from my point of view.

A warehouse has broken into, the alarm systems are operated, my men speed to

scene of the crime, and on their arrival, they find you.

Climbing from a van stuffed full of the same merchandise that moments before was

stolen from the warehouse. It's not like it seems.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It gets better.

We have a suspect at the scene of the crime. We have the evidence all about

person. And the best thing is, we know that this same man was himself a victim

of a theft a few hours before, was uninsured, and was therefore most keen

recover something of what he had lost.

You are not in a strong position, Mr. Daly. I assure you I am innocent of all

the charges.

In addition, you have made it quite clear that you hold our country in low

regard. Therefore, you would have no remorse about committing a crime of this

kind. You are taking all my previous remarks out of context.

Oh, yes, what else did you say?

Remember Waterloo? How could you trust a nation that eats garden slugs?

You're always upset.

I'd had a terrible shock.

Tell me, Mr. Daly, have you ever seen the film Papillon?

Are you sure you don't mind? Of course not. I'm happy to assist.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

Where are we going?

Your brains seem a little scrambled, Mr. Daly. I think you need some time to

reconsider what you've said.

I don't know what you're talking about.

In years to come, Mr. Daly, French students will study this.

Alongside Zola and Hugo up there with Voltaire and Moliere, this will be

regarded as one of the greatest works of fiction ever undertaken in France. That

is a sequence of events as accurate as I can remember.

You've got to take into account...

I had a disturbed night of slumber the previous evening. I was in a fragile

state.

I decided to go for a drive. I wanted to revisit the fields where my father,

grandfather, and three uncles had been so horribly wounded in the defense of

this country.

It would also remind me of my own times during the war when I had soared above

the green fields below in an attempt to stop the Nazis from ruling the world.

In brackets, Paris included.

I was merely anxious to correct your strange misapprehension that I was not

wholly behind a Gallic cause.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The Dailies have always been staunch supporters of the French.

Tired by the heavy emotional toll of this journey, I pulled up for a little

I opened the back doors of the van as it was a warm day.

Your men had a sweat on when they chucked me in a Black Mariah for

Please, Mr Daly.

I was awoken by a rocking sensation and a loud noise. I heard a voice shout,

quick, that van looks handy. That is when I was awoken. I tried to stop the

who incidentally were all masked, but they legged it.

That was when your brave boys arrived on the scene, just as I was about to give

chase.

It could save us so much time and effort if you could recount what actually went

on, Mr. Daly. I hope you're not casting aspersions on my honesty.

I don't know what the rules are here, but in England, that is a very serious

offence.

I'll see you later.

Give me a call if your memory clears in the meantime.

Here. Where am I going?

It's deserted.

I can't find a soul here.

I don't like this race.

Arthur wouldn't wander off on his own, not abroad.

Try the hotel?

Might as well.

This is all a terrible mistake on the British subject.

Come on, get me the embassy.

You can't do this to me.

You think he got confused?

Took an earlier ferry.

Maybe he's down at the docks.

Dave, we're going to have to report him missing.

I'll go with you, of course.

He's here, isn't he?

Well, what's happened? I can't keep up.

Captain Bailey has been arrested.

I speak a little English.

Very good.

I've been at sea.

Yeah, well, that would be logical.

Six months.

It's very lonely.

Don't have that point.

I like your hat.

It suits you.

Arthur!

Right.

In the nick of time. Come on, get this unlocked and get me out of here. You

can't go anywhere, Arthur. They caught you red -handed.

I mean, what were you doing?

I was trying to make up for the stuff we had nicked.

By indulging in a bit of out -of -hours yourself?

I didn't know he was pulling a job. We had crossed lines.

What have you told him?

What? About Henry.

Well, it's the only way you stand a chance.

No, I'm not grasping, Ray.

That goes against the grain.

Arthur, do you want to get out of here or not?

Well, that's a matter of principle.

Captain Daly, I know this is all some terrible mistake.

I will contact an old friend, a fine lawyer.

He'll come and see you first thing in the morning. Morning?

Inspector's gone, Arthur. We can't do nothing till then.

What about bail?

I thought you'd bung off your quid and we'd be back at Winchester before they'd

finish their morning cocoa.

Surely, Arthur, we can't do anything until tomorrow morning.

Let's just get them to sleep, eh?

Sleep.

I don't think so, Ray.

I hope he's all right.

Ray? I hope he's all right.

Oh, I hope this liar is. He said she took what it was.

What about prison?

How do you mean?

If he goes down, do you want to get dirt over here or want to transfer him to an

English nick?

Well, there's that big one on the Isle of Wight.

Maybe they'll send him there, split the difference.

Tell you what, Dave, if he doesn't mention Henry, I will. It's his only

You can't do that, Ray. Why not?

Arthur has never squealed, and that means a lot to him. But, Dave, it's not

fault.

Not this time.

Merci, Didier. Merci beaucoup.

Merci, au revoir.

I'm sorry.

Didier says Captain Delay's in a very weak position.

There is little he can do for him.

There is no need.

Mr Daly is free to go.

We've caught the instigator.

We've been observing him for some time.

He confirms that Mr Daly had no idea whatsoever he was involved in a raid.

He was duped.

C 'est la vie.

I knew it.

I knew it, I knew it.

Henry, what's going on?

Oh, Ray.

You haven't got any paracetamol, have you? I mean, the way this lot burst in,

yelling and shouting, you'd think they never heard her coming quietly. Yeah,

what about Arthur? They're letting him go.

Well, there's no point us both copping for it.

I mean, I'm Nick, but Arthur can go home on my say -so.

Least I can do.

Old Rochelle was dying to get him.

He told me about what Arthur said, about the raid.

That's priceless.

No mention of me at all.

You've got to admire that raid.

Careful, I've got an ulcer.

Whenever I look at it, I will think of you.

It has been my pleasure.

Mine too.

Perhaps the next time business... Sadly, daily into Europe I'll be taking a

little less of the hands -on approach to the Europe bit from now on.

But if I'm here for any other reason, I'll definitely call in.

Come on, Harper.

It's time to go.

Come back soon.

I shall have nightmares about this trip for the rest of my life.

Yeah, next time you want me to get on a ferry with you, Arthur, unless it's

leaving from Woolwich, forget it.

Well, at least we can crack through customs without feeling guilty.

Green Channel, right?

What's happening? We've got nothing to declare.

What's the problem?

Routine check.

I'll just have a look in the back, if I may.

Well, it's open.

Nothing there.

Exactly. How can we go?

A big transit van that you'd normally expect to be... struggling to cope with

the weight on its axle, laden down with booze and other goodies, is in fact

empty, completely bare.

Have you got a problem, mate? I have.

Perhaps you'd like to step down from the vehicle.

I have had more successful operations.

All I want to do now is forget about it. Never make that mistake, Ray.

The successful entrepreneur is never beaten.

Just temporarily off target.

I mean, the concept was good.

Cheaper booze means higher profits. The mistake was crossing the sea to the land

of the heathen.

We should have looked closer to home.

Arthur, what are you talking about?

Does Bert still have that own brew kit?

I mean, how different can it be?

Cheers.