Original subtitles

Bye.

You wouldn't find a better fit if you had it custom built.

I'm not a bit off the price.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Another blank.

I'm going to have to reduce that car.

Reduce it by how much? Two owners and at least 10 ,000 miles.

Hey, get out my chair.

Things are getting desperate.

Don't worry, Arthur. I've just done it with Turner. You better hope it does.

If things stay the way they are, I'm going to have to exercise a certain

of wage restraint.

I don't remember a time when you weren't restraining me wages.

I resent that remark.

I've made all sorts of sacrifices to keep your wages up to par.

Even cut down on me lardies.

All right, all right. It was only a joke, Arthur.

In very poor taste.

If you're short of the folding, stop chasing after every skirt in Metropolis.

Pull your horns in.

Right, Arthur.

Oh, come on. I need a pick -me -up. Let's go down to Winchester.

And if anybody asks, we're doing better than outage in the sale.

Confidence is paramount with Joe Public in this business.

Yes, sir.

Do you hear me?

Yes, Arthur.

Oh, come on.

Lock the door.

Arthur. Dave. Ray.

Dave. Yeah, how's business?

We've had a blinding week, Dave. Oh, great, great.

Arthur can settle his slate, then.

Thank you very much.

Ignore the boy, Dave.

Lad's always been prone to exaggeration. Give him a fizzy water to calm him

down. I'll have the usual.

All right, Arthur?

Vic.

What are you up to?

This and that. How's the pub going, Vic?

Getting there. When you take over a boozer, it takes a while to knock it

shape. The Atman Feathers was a popular house when old Ernie had it.

Oh, yeah. Don't get me wrong, Dave.

I'm just after something more, er... Flash?

High profile.

Yo, Vic.

Yeah, all right, babe, don't worry.

I'm on my way. I'll be there in five.

Sorry, chaps, I'm going to have to love you and leave you.

Bloody barmaids don't know their Heineken from their elbows.

Catch you later, boys.

See you, Vic.

Think about what I said, Dave.

Right, yeah, right.

All right. Cagney, how are they hanging?

He's much too familiar for a bloke who's only been on the manor for five

minutes. And he's nosy and all.

What do you mean, think about what I said?

Aye, just that we were at a licensed fictionalist's do and someone reminded

that next month is 25 years since I took over to Winchester.

Yeah, that's brilliant, Dave. Do you have any do?

Well, that's a bit great, Dennis, but I don't want to make a fuss.

Right, Danny.

He does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Oh, Dave.

Of course you'll have your due, Dave. If you was in China, you'd be a public

hero and they'd stick your boat on a stamp.

Thanks very much.

You have created a rare retreat from the ravages of life here.

Hundreds of your punters, past and present, would feel cheated if they were

allowed to celebrate your achievement by buying the odd lager or four.

And perhaps the odd commemorative mug.

You had me fooled there for a moment, Arthur.

I thought you was being sentimental.

When opportunity knocks, Dave, you've got to grab it with both hands. We can

knock out all sorts of memorabilia. T -shirts, key rings.

I can't believe it. This is the happiest I've seen you in weeks. Raymond, I am

an entrepreneur.

When I'm starved of business opportunities, I'm like a young royal

holiday to go to. Well, I'm off. I want you at the lock -up, 9am sharp tomorrow

morning.

Dave, don't fret.

As your partner, I will organise the entire party.

I'm definitely going to have one, then. You most certainly are. I'll have a look

in the diary and I'll tell you what date it'll be.

Thanks very much.

That'll be nice.

Look, Arthur, are you sure this is a good idea?

Have a bit of respect, Ray. The man's done his time.

Anyway, I'm told he's fully qualified now. Yeah, and breaking an entry.

Don't go on, Ray. You sound like Erling Daws.

Good morning, my dear. Is Art Attack in?

Hold on.

There's two blokes at the door for you.

Who are they?

I don't know.

One of them looks like a chipping dough.

Hello, Art Attack.

Arthur!

It's Arthur Daly, you silly tart!

Sorry about that, Arthur.

Here, come in, mate.

Yeah, you better wait outside. Keep an eye on the motor.

Let's talk through here, Arthur.

Oh, right.

Thanks for the cup of tea, Angie.

Um, not me, thank you.

Oh, what a nice view.

I, um... Are you putting it about that you're a painter and decorator? Yeah,

me full city and guild.

Part one building and all.

Want to see me certificate?

No, no, that won't be necessary.

Mind you, he ain't got a job yet.

Who'd trust a bloke with his record on their premises?

I'm straight now, I'll be honest.

Never going to do over another gas.

Unless it's with me rag roller.

Well, knowing your propensity for collapsing at the sound of a burger

think that's very wise. Now, the thing is, I've come here to put your foot on

the ladder.

It's Dave's 25th anniversary at the Winchester, and we're laying on a do,

want to have the place done up.

Decorate the Winchester?

Would be an honour.

Well, seeing as I'm doing you a right favour by putting this prestigious job

your way, I hope that will be reflected in your fee. Oh, yeah.

You'll get full discount when I give you my quote.

No, no, no, Art Attack.

Shakespeare Dave quote.

I want from you a firm, fixed price.

250, plus materials, and I want all receipts.

250?

It's a lot of work there, Arthur.

All right, 275. Take it or leave it.

Yeah, all right.

Well, look, I've got to do some business.

I'll see you at the Winchester in about an hour to discuss colour schemes.

All right?

Oh, one other thing, Art Attack.

You are fully fit, aren't you?

I mean, I can't afford medical insurance.

Oh, yeah. Since the bypass, the doctor says I'm A1.

Come on, I've got to get Operation Winter to phase two off the ground.

I think you'll find this is just the wine you want for Dave's 25th. I didn't

know the Ugandans made wine.

Are you not joining us, Harry?

A bit too early for me, Arthur.

Ooh.

Interesting bouquet, isn't it?

You're not going to taste it? No, no, but it's just what I'm looking for.

Shall we say eight quid, including delivery?

Eight quid a bottle.

Eight quid a case.

And you'll change the labels to read, um, uh, Chateau Winchester.

No, no, no, that's silly.

Souvenir wine from the Winchester Club.

Arthur, you can't expect people to drink this rubbish.

Oh, who's talking?

Him whose mates can't drink a bottle of beer without banging a lump of lemon up

his neck. It's for commemorative purposes. People will probably buy it to

down. Arthur, I won't be able to fit souvenir wine from the Winchester Club

the labels. Oh, we'll use some abbreviation. Instead of Winchester

use initials. All right? Come on.

Right, Ray?

Here I... I hope he knows what he's doing. The man assures me he's fully

qualified.

I don't think this place needs doing up. Oh, come on, Dave. Think of the

punters. It's had less decoration than the Italian army.

Your 25th should be the dawn of a new age for Winchester. We've got to aim to

attract the upmarket like, you know, the Roller and Camellia Coat Brigade.

Yeah, but what about the cost?

Oh, that's all down to me, Dave.

I'll take the grand and materials that Art Attack's charging me out of the

I owe you for my share in the business.

How you doing, Art Attack?

When you expect him to surprise you, he don't.

I think I can work wonders here, Arthur.

I want to give the place to Paul Monty.

I was thinking of an oriental theme.

We could have this wall down and put in a mock pagoda.

Then, over here, I could build an alcove and

put up hanging lanterns.

Then I'll cover everything with Japanese grass paper.

You look like a takeaway.

Here, hang about. I'm talking now as senior partner.

Redecoration, you said. I don't want the place rebuilt.

I mean it, Arthur.

All right, Dave. All right. All right.

Art attack.

Perhaps the creative juices are flowing a little too freely.

Bug a bit of anaglypter up and stick some paint on it. And look, knock that

down for Dave in the storeroom. That'll give him more storage space.

All right, you're the governor. If that's what you want.

I never agreed to no wall coming down. It makes sense, Dave.

If we're going to increase our clientele base, we're going to need more room.

Trust me.

Dave!

Sorry, it'd be a pain. Right out of tonics. Couldn't lend us a crate, could

Yeah, of course. No problem.

Come along, Raymond. I've suddenly remembered an important engagement.

All right, boys.

Vic. Vic.

How long's he been coming in here?

Oh, Vic.

Oh, he's taken over the outing feathers around the corner.

I thought it a nice touch, putting vintage on the label. Oh, that is a

job, Harry.

Hey, Ray, this memorabilia lot may be bigger than I anticipated.

I may have to take on extra staff.

Oh, that's good to hear, Arthur. When's he arriving?

Here, look, when you finish that, get some of that old car paint and slap 25

years on these.

So much for the extra staff.

What do you think of that, Harry?

Thin, Arthur.

Yeah, the stitching falls apart when you put it over your head. Got one for me

birthday last year.

They are meant to be souvenirs.

They're not supposed to be worn.

Arthur, the T -shirts can't be worn, the wine can't be drunk.

You're going to end up getting lynched. Here is the piece of resistance, Harry.

The Winchester club tie.

No, no, no, it's a great tradition. British club ties are meant to look like

road accident.

I mean, look at that thing the MCC lot wear.

Oh, that is lovely.

See you, Ken. Bye.

Genius, that's the only word for it. You couldn't get better if you had

Michelangelo on the end of the brush.

Well, I must admit, it is going down well with the regulars. Of course it is,

Dave. It gives the old place a bit of style.

Oh, if I was right, Dave, that's the trouble with most publicans. They've got

absolutely no style.

Oh, true that is, Vic.

Let's have a look at the storeroom, shall we?

Oh, yes. There's much more space now that wall's gone.

That's what you think of turning it into a pool room, Dave. What do you suggest

I do with my stock?

Details, Dave, details. You've got to start looking at the bigger picture.

Where's Art Attack?

I don't know.

He must have just shot off.

Modesty. Quality shared by all the very best interior decorators.

Why is he painted this bit white?

That is what we call tonal modulation.

Let me know if I get too technical for you.

What are all these cracks?

Looks a bit effing to me.

Don't you have a pub to run? Well, I asked Art Attack about that and he

it was shrinkage.

Well, there you are then.

Arthur.

Where's Alan?

As far as I knew, he's doing up your pub.

And he packed his bag and done a runner.

And you don't know where he's gone?

No idea.

Well, if he turns up, tell him Arthur Daly wants a word.

You don't mind risking his heart working?

Any other sort of exertion if you don't want to know?

Who'd fancy a cup of tea, do you?

Nothing.

Well, Vic reckons that all that is subsidence.

What does he know? Quite a bit, I'd say.

Who knocked down that wall in the storeroom? Our interior designer.

He's fully qualified.

I'd like you to give me his name.

Why? Do you want to use him? No.

I want to warn our other clients to avoid him. That wall he's demolished was

part of a load -bearing wall. He should have replaced it with an RSJ.

I knew it was a mistake listening to you.

Well, put an RS whatever it is in now.

It's too late, I'm afraid.

I'll have to do a detailed survey to confirm it, but I'm more or less certain

that these cracks have been caused by undue pressure on the foundations,

them to shift.

It's all going to need underpinning.

How much is that lot going to cost?

Give or take a couple of hundred.

£30 ,000, I'd say.

That'd be great.

Well, don't just stand there making a crisis out of a crisis. Get the

check. I'm sorry, but you knocking that wall down violated the terms of your

policy. Your insurance is invalid.

And until the work's done, this is a dangerous structure.

I'm going to have to recommend to the council that the Winchester's shut.

This is a poignant moment.

We've weathered recessions, winter of discontent, three -day week, but never

all that time have the welcoming portals of the Winchester been closed.

I tell you what, Art Attack better stay in Iden if he knows what's good for him.

Right now he's the second most hated man on the manor. Who's the first?

Well, who do you think, Arthur?

Me?

I engage that man in all good faith.

Well, the land... Lord has given us a week. If we ain't come up with 30 grand,

he's going to sue us for the cost of repairs, plus the loss of revenue for

being able to rent out a place. Oh, my God. Well, just remember, I'm a minor

shareholder. But major blameholder.

Now, listen, Arthur. If you don't come out with that money within a week, the

Winchester Club's going to be shut for good, and that'll be my living down a

pan. All right, Dave, all right. Rest assured, I will do everything in my

to get this sorted.

Now, let's just go and sit down and talk about it calmly and quietly over a

drink. All right.

Where do you suggest we go then, Arthur?

Vic?

I reckon that a pint shot will come up with about seven grand.

Well, Arthur?

Well, at a stretch, I suppose I could probably match that.

You must be able to do better than that, Arthur. That hardly covers what you owe

me. Times are hard. This anniversary was supposed to be my salvation, remember?

He could liquidise some of your assets.

Well, Frankie Miller said he'd give you five grand for those two motors.

That's a grand less than what I paid for them.

Remember what Mr. McCorber said.

Frog something for less than you paid for it, and you'll soon be up a swanny

without a paddle.

Thanks a bunch, Arthur.

fair everyone having a pop at me. You just promised to move heaven and earth,

and now you want to move a couple of capris.

All right, all right, I'll unload the cars, I'll let you have the five grand,

but that's a lot.

I'm cleaned up. Yeah, so leave us 11 grand, sure.

Yeah, right. What about your secret offshore account?

Excuse me, excuse me, miss.

Why do they keep ignoring me?

Well, I don't think they know how important you are here, are they?

These bits of gold have got no business behind the bar.

They lack your maturity, Dave. What can I get you, Ray?

Oh, a large VAT, please.

I beg your pardon?

A large VAT. No, it's all right, Sandra, it's with me. I'll have a large rock

and tonic and a couple of bars of lager.

Can you do something about this music?

Well, ban all music in pubs. Yeah, we don't want people starting to join

themselves, do we?

Chaps, what can I say? You must be double gutted. I know I am. Well, hey,

Listen, you're not comfortable here. There's a function room upstairs you can

use. Some of your regulars there already.

I'll show you. All right. I'll get these, shall I? Yeah, good lad.

We'll see you upstairs.

Yeah, find yourself some.

Oh, thanks.

Is that who I thought it was?

Unless you're from the Inland River and you're here.

Told my dad I'd tell you a couple of months back.

Sorry about that.

No, it works fine.

Dad reckoned it was a bargain.

Satisfied customer. We all know him and his stuff.

Cheers.

Yeah, looks like we might be using this as our local for a little while.

That's nice.

So we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

You and your dog.

I think I just might.

Mightn't there up to be anything, am I?

No, Gloria, I was just telling...

Well, you know Founder, don't you? Hello, Founder. Yeah, I was just telling

that, well, a good job that Vic was doing with the Poe.

The club's dead.

I swore I'd never drink in your company again, Arthur. Me neither.

As far as I'm concerned, you're responsible for me being booted out of a

that I regard as my second home.

Winchester's more like my first home. Look, for the last time, it's Arthur

who got the blame for this debacle, not me.

Besides, I've already pledged a considerable cash sum towards repairs.

Look, all these recriminations are getting us nowhere.

At last, the voice of reason.

What we should be doing is thinking of ways to raise the necessary to get the

Winchester open again.

Oh, we're bunging your whip, man.

Listen to that.

Must do your art good to hear you're held in such esteem, Dave.

Very kind of you, Barry.

Bunging fibres into a hat is not going to solve our problem. We've got to think

on a much bigger scale.

Why don't you arrange some sort of fundraising event?

Oh, yeah. What about a marathon?

All right.

Parachute jump. Will you be sensible?

They had a charity bash down at the football club a couple of weeks ago.

My old man won a fondue.

That's it, Pete.

We're going to organise a Winchester at 11 and have a football match.

Look, maybe I'm short -sighted, Raymond, but how are we going to raise money by

chucking four coats on the ground and kicking a ball about?

It'll be a benefit match like the testimonials they have at the Arsenal,

we can charge the punters an entrance fee, all the proceeds go to Winchester.

Yeah, but who are we going to play?

How about West Ham?

Leave it, Ed.

Yeah. How about the old bill? Are you mad?

Oh, it's brilliant.

Well, think about it. There's a load of people to pay to see a team from the

Winchester meet their coppers head on. That's right. You can count me in.

There's a couple of uniforms I wouldn't mind meeting in the tackle, eh?

Hey, and there's no need to worry about kit.

I turned over a sports wear -out last week.

My kitchen's carrying more Scotland lily whites in a minute. It's a bit louder,

George. I don't think Scotland Yard heard that. Yeah, I do think you'll be a

dodgy, you know, playing the law dressed in knocked -off clobber. You can have a

charity auction after the game. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I saw one of them at

boxing do.

Raised a pile of bread.

Mind you, they did have Samantha Fox as the auctioneer. Well, that's no problem.

We can get a celebrity in to do ours. Yeah, Monty Fish is the man you want for

that. He got an East Ender, Ronnie Dyson, to open one of his dress shops.

Right, we'll leave that to you then, Arthur, yeah?

All I can say is thanks very much, everyone.

Let's have another drink.

I reckon under the circumstances, it's Arthur's round.

Period.

All right, bang it on my slate.

Arthur, you ain't got a slate here.

Arthur Daly getting in around for cash.

It's almost worth having the winches to close just to see that.

Good night, Sid.

Putting in a bit of overtime, are we, Thor?

Somebody's got to do it.

If it was left to you, the only place you'd find a villain would be in a pub.

I've put away more villains than you'll ever meet.

Bone.

There's a trouble with these flyers from Endham.

They're out of touch.

I've got something you might be interested in.

Look, I'm gonna go.

No, not yet, Glor.

Hey, Rafa.

Ain't it about time you were off?

No, it's only 11 o 'clock.

Much too early. I'll go home now. We're indoors. They'll think I'm ill.

Doesn't she worry where you are?

We got over all that nonsense years ago.

You know, it's true what they say.

You never miss your water till the well runs dry.

I was completely at a loss tonight without the Winchester.

And Vic's place is no substitute. I mean, I've got enough money worries

having to pay for the drinks.

It's much cheaper here, eh?

Look, Arthur, I don't want to be rude, but I'd like a little bit of time to

myself.

With... Gloria, that is.

Well, don't worry about me, Ray.

I won't get in the way.

Good afternoon, my dear. Is Monty about?

Yeah, did you have an appointment with Mr Fish?

Tell him it's Arthur Daly. He'll fit me in.

Isn't that the, um, you know, the geezer in the bleach advert?

Yeah.

He looks taller on the telly.

So what do you reckon? Any chance of your mob putting out a team?

Come on.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind. It'd be a bit of a laugh.

But I can't see you -know -who being too keen.

He gets a bit irrational when it comes to anything to do with Uncle Arthur.

Young Daly, what have you been arrested for?

Nothing. I've just come to ask a favour. A favour? I'm a police officer,

Raymond, not a social worker.

They're having a football match in aid of the Winchester.

And they wanted us to put up a team to play them. You seriously expect us to

play soccer with the people you associate with?

I'll get the message.

Forget it. No, no, we'll do that.

Are you serious?

Certainly.

A nice one.

See you on the pitch.

Community relations talk.

Arthur. Monty. Come in.

Take the weight off.

Now, what do you think of this, Arthur?

Isn't she something?

How are you, Monty?

Oh, making a crust.

Yourself? Much the same.

Oh, isn't she a little darling?

Drink? Oh, no, no. It's a bit too early for me. I wouldn't say no to one of your

lardies. Oh, certainly.

Well, what can I do you for? Well, I don't know whether you are aware of the

plight of the Winchester Club at present. Yes, I am. It's a tragedy.

Yeah. I hope that little Herbert that knocked that wall down is going to get

just desserts.

Oh, he will. He will. The moment his boat is sighted, he will get a copious

slapping. Whatever made Dave employ such a prat?

Who knows? Who knows?

Anyway, in order to raise some money, we are going to hold a benefit football

match and a charity auction.

And we thought if we got a well -known face to do the kick -off, play the

auctioneer, and make himself generally available to Joe Public for autographs

and so forth, it would boost the crowds.

Good idea.

Did you have a particular celebrity in mind?

Well, we want someone who's a draw, you know, someone with a certain amount of

gravity. I was thinking in terms of Brucie or Tarby, that area.

Well, it's possible I could get you someone like that, but mind you, their

are a bit steep.

Ah, I don't think I've made myself clear, Monty. You see, being a

event, we were wondering if they'd be prepared to, um,

waive their fee and do the whole thing for gratis.

Well, I mean, it does have showbiz connections.

I can remember dear old Dickie Valentine doing a turn there in the 60s, and they

get a very big splash from a local rag and gratitude from the local community.

Yes, but we're the best one in the world, Arthur.

You can hardly call the Winchester Drinking Club a worthy cause.

Look.

I can do you a minor soap star for 200.

An ex -soap star comes even cheaper.

Hey, what about your lad who does the bleach advert?

Would he be interested?

What's up with everyone?

There's been a bit of a problem on the manor.

George has been nicked.

You're joking.

Well, that's his worry. We're up to here with problems of our own.

Did you get hold of the celebrity, Arthur? No, I didn't. But did you try?

Even Lionel didn't want to know any turnout for the opening of an envelope.

And I thank you not to give me aggravation at a time like this. You're

Never mind.

Morley's agreed to put a team up, so we should still get a decent turnout.

Yeah, but without a celebrity, we can't charge much more than a fiver. I mean,

at best, we're only going to make a couple of grand.

It's a bit short of 11 ,000, isn't it? Well, what about the charity auction?

The nations are coming in very slowly, Ray.

It's because Arthur's involved.

Everyone thinks it's some sort of fiddle.

I'm very wounded at everyone's attitude towards me in this matter.

Charles, any change?

Do you know what that round cost?

Vic's charging what he likes.

It grieves me to see the profits from all our regulars going into Vic's

instead of the Winchester's.

Well, they're not, are they, Arthur?

And that is why I am looking for a job.

Don't you worry, Dave. I'll find something for you.

No, thanks, Arthur.

Here, Dave. You know what's happened now?

Yeah? Sammy Boo's been nicked.

What for?

Nobody knows.

He reckons he was fitted up.

Well, that's the fourth this week.

We'll be lucky if we have a team.

Even Morley wouldn't be nicking people just to nub all the Winchester, would

Why don't you ask him?

Right.

Your governor's been a bit free with the charges this week, hasn't he?

That's nothing to do with us.

I just hope you're putting up some sort of opposition daily.

Remember, you talked me into this.

Come on.

Are you sure I can't persuade you to stay and watch the Mac, Padre? No,

I really ought to be going, can't you?

Sunday's my rush day, you know. Yeah, of course.

Oh, and...

Thanks again for the eye on the ground.

Are you sure you won't accept a fee?

Certainly not. It's a pleasure to help.

Winchester's always been one of my favourite cathedrals. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Vicar.

Thanks, Vicar.

Don't seem right somehow, Arthur.

Calling the clergy?

He's the one who married me and her indoors.

I prefer to think of it as settling an old score.

Right, time for the team talk. Give the boys a bit of encouragement. Right.

Yeah, now listen, it's all down to us now, lads. So no clowning about and keep

the ball in the move, yeah? Now, look, if we could just put the brake on the

banter for a minute or two, I'd like to say a few words. Now, settle down, boys,

settle down.

Now, first off, tactics.

I've examined all the options, kick and run, sweep them up and under, and the

long balls, and I've come down in favour of total football. I want us to echo

the great Brazilian teams of the past with our flowing thoughts and our

legwork. Right, we'll let that check out. Is that clear?

Crystal, come on, let's get you. And I also want you to consider...

Why we are here? To work one up Morley and his mob, right?

No, Barry, something far more important than that. The fate of the Winchester

Club is in your hands.

I want you to go out there and inspire them fans to put their hands deep in

their pockets and buy them charity souvenirs. And remember the words of

England's greatest leader.

Gary Lineker?

Winston Churchill.

I have nothing to give but blood, toil, sweat... and sweat.

Never... On the football field of human conflict.

Who is that? I'm trying to motivate people here.

What are you... All right, Arthur.

I am not a violent man, but I'm quite happy to make an exception. Calm down,

Arthur. Just calm down.

Arthur, Dave, I'm sick about what happened on this, but I can make it up

Impossible.

This is yours.

What is it?

Money. What money?

I ain't got time to count it.

I come straight here after I've done Vic's place over.

Are you completely mental?

There's a little old bill out there to sing the Alleluia Chorus, and you turn

with a bag full of stolen reddies?

I'm sorry, Arthur.

I thought I'd get my own back on Vic and pay you back at the same time, see?

It's only his grass money.

Ray, tell me this is a nightmare.

Arnott, did you say that this was Vic's grass money? I haven't seen him for

years till he come in your drinker.

Slick Vic, the policeman's pal.

It was him that got me set down last time. He must have put a finger on

and the others.

Well, in no circumstances, I don't mind accepting a few extra fibres for the

Winchester fund.

How much was there in the till?

Not a lot, Arthur.

But it was ten grand in the safe. Oh, God!

How do you think we're going to hang on to this?

What will you do about laundering, Arthur?

Laundering? You need to know about conjuring to make this disappear.

Arthur, this will be the answer to our prayers.

I mean, I don't suppose that auction's going to be worth a lot.

It's worth more than you think, Dave.

If I could get Gloria to tell the boys to work... Am I

interrupting something?

No, just discussing tactics in privacy.

Can't be too careful. You know what policemen are like.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm completely impartial, of course.

I didn't realise you were actually playing.

Me?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just here in executive capacity.

Oh, good.

Only one of the linesmen needs some kit.

Oh, attack!

Get changed.

Move.

Our midfield dynamo.

Thorpe.

How very unfortunate.

No, you're right. You can't go to the police in the normal way, can you?

Let me explain something to you, Vic.

To me, you're just a useful furbit. Like a plumber.

You mend the pipes, I pay the bills.

You drop the money down a drain.

Not my problem.

Well, I suggest you do what you always do.

Keep your ear to the keyhole.

Thank you for coming.

For your sake, that bulge in your sock is nothing more dangerous than a shin

pad. That's all there are, Mr. Morley.

Phil? Edson.

Yeah, we'll have a kick -off.

We'll stay as we are.

Uh, Phil?

Can I have my coin back?

Oh, sorry about that, Sarge.

Rhett! Rhett! All right, if I comes on, one of my players needs treatment.

Why? What's wrong with him? Well, he says it's crap.

How can he have? We haven't even kicked off yet.

That's a run down the off -licence before the game. That's a fair step.

treat him off the pitch.

I want to get on.

Come on, Winchester.

I prefer football.

told me you'd turned up again. I just want a little word, sweetheart.

You know what a little word you'll get. Come on, darling.

You'll always let a man in, won't you? Of course I will.

Did you bring one with you?

Listen, I've been done over.

If it was him, I'll make him sorry.

I'll tell him.

If I see him.

Gonna move your foot?

I'll find him, you know.

Ah! God!

Bitch!

safe to leave it in the dressing room.

It's safer out here.

I'll have to get rid of it.

Ain't it a lot of time yet?

Come on, keep on your feet.

Just keep playing your natural game and expressing yourself.

Two on down.

And they haven't even rubbed the sweat yet.

You've got to start getting it tight in the back and hit them on the break.

Yeah, that's right, Ray.

What?

Matchup end.

No hard feelings, Phil?

No, Sarge.

I mean, what's the sending off compared with the coroner, eh?

Pity about that.

I want to enjoy myself.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll bring good tidings. I have just come from Alan's

bedside, where he's making a good recovery in the arms of his loving wife,

Angie.

He sends his best and says any contribution he has made to save the

Fund... was well worth the effort.

Charge your glasses and let the auction commence.

Ladies,

gentlemen, and me uncle Arthur.

As you know, this auction's on behalf of an institution we all hold dear. The

Winchester Club.

And for a man we both like and admire, ladies and gentlemen, I'll give you

So I hope you're all in a very generous mood tonight. Now, lot number one has

been donated by my very own mother and is an ornament in the shape of a Spanish

dancer.

I think the middle will go for that.

Yeah, looks quite attractive, Sergeant.

So who'll start the bidding?

£10. Seeing is believing, ladies and gentlemen. A £10 bid from Detective

Sergeant Morley.

£250. £250 from the back. I'll bid £300.

£300 at the front. That's ridiculous.

£450.

£4 .50 at the back. £4 .50, £4 .50.

Going.

Knocked out a peewee for £450, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, lot number two has been donated by yet another member of my family. No

prizes for guessing who.

And it's half a dozen cases of a lovely little wire, nice little tipple, the

Chateau Winchester.

Now, I can guarantee you, ladies and gentlemen, this is a genuine daily

edition. He's only got another 50 cases back in the lock -up.

That boy is seriously lacking in respect for me.

So who'll start the bidding on this one?

250 quid.

250 quid a piece?

300. 300 for the charming young lady in the middle there?

400. 400. Thank you, sir. You know, Arthur, at this rate, I reckon we can

10 grand.

10 ,355 pounds at least, Dave. 800 pounds for a lady. 800.

Going once, twice.

Sold to Lady Hawthorne for 800 subs, ladies and gentlemen.

What's going on here? I don't know if it's a cynical Mr Morley. What you are

witnessing is a genuine outpouring of affection for the Winchester Club.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, Gloria, next item, please.

Lot number three, and I'm sure you'll all be very pleased about this, is a

copper's helmet.

Too bold.

This was the very copper's helmet found outside the Winchester in 1975 that was

involved in the Wilsdon Market Traders' Punch -Up and donated today by Harry the

At -Hawkins. Nice one, Harold.

Leaving so soon, Vic?

Harper, I want to show you something before you go, yeah?

Look.

Amazing, isn't it?

What is?

Grass, Vic, grass.

Springs up in the most unexpected places.

See all them brown patches out there?

That's where he got trodden on by Big Heavy Boots.

Never seems to come back after that.

It won't happen again.

Trust me on it.

I trust you, Vic.

I trust you to get off this manor for good tonight before I put word around

about you and your little sideline.

For my pub?

I'm scared.

Dave will take over the Attenfeathers until the Winchester's repaired.

You bloody planned this, didn't you?

Me?

Now the next lot, ladies and gentlemen, is the first of our novelty items.

It's the throaty bit that Dave retrieved from Barbara Winters Cleavage when she

visited the club in 1969.

Do I hear 500?