Original subtitles

One of the juiciest lines of goods you've put my way for a long time,

Certainly a great improvement on them digital egg timers. Not my fault,

I got steered wrong by light -fingered Ted.

You didn't tell me you couldn't get batteries for him.

Light -fingered Ted. What do you expect doing business with a bloke like him?

Well, it certainly left me well out of pocket, I can tell you. Well, that's why

I'm giving you the video recorders at a good price.

I can't deny it, Derek. I don't know how you can bag them out so cheap.

I didn't pay that much for them, Arthur. You know what I mean? Steady the buffs.

I don't want to know.

Where you got them is between you and your conscience.

You got a buyer for them, all right? At these prices? No problem.

Ray's running them down to Limehouse at this very moment.

Don't do it to me now.

All right, all right.

Look, why don't you go on?

A state of hero.

Yeah, shocking, isn't it? It really gets up my nose.

I do not pay my road tax so I can get my back broken every time I go out for a

drive.

Vicky, get Arthur Daly on the blower, will you?

Is that it, Billy boy?

No, about another dozen.

Pack them in nice and tight. Mind those bird bulbs.

White ears lose.

Daly into Europe, managing director speaking.

Arthur, Tony Anthony.

Oh, hello, two -tone. This is your lucky day.

How do you feel about 200 more videos?

What do you mean, more?

Where's the first lot?

Have you gone?

No, I have not. I'm not hanging about here all day.

But Ray left with them hours ago.

I don't want to hear it.

Let's face it, Arthur, it's probably not the sort of gear I want to hold on to

for long.

Now, now, look, Two -Tone, relax. I'm sure he'll be with you any minute now.

I'll give him 20.

If he's not here by then, the deal is off.

Arthur, I think you should come and have a look at this.

Yeah, Two -Tone, hang on. Just hang on a minute, will you?

Sorry, Arthur. I think it's the start of the moment.

Why did you get him to tow your lime out?

Oh, you're joking. The centre of London was bumper to bumper.

Look, I didn't pay 500 quid for a van and have it break down just when I need

it.

You didn't pay 500 quid for it.

Tone, Tone, look, we seem to have suffered a minor setback, but I

goods will be with you tomorrow morning.

Arthur, you are about as reliable as a check in the post.

I've told you before, tomorrow's no good. The deal's off.

Tony?

Anthony?

What are you doing? I'm bringing in the gear. Forget it. The deal's fallen

through, thanks to you. Me?

Yeah, go and tell Derek I'll have to take them all back.

Derek's gone.

Gone? Gone where?

Wherever Derek's gone, I don't know. What am I supposed to do with this lot?

Put them in here. The cage is full.

I'll stick him in a corner. Oh, don't talk wet, Ray. The magpies we've got

here. They see a stack of videos outside the safe cage, they think it's

Christmas, Easter, and their birthday all rolled into one. They wouldn't be

to stop themselves.

Well, they ain't going anywhere else, Arthur. The van's knackered. We'll have

get it fixed then.

Yeah, but I'm going out tonight.

Well, you'll have to cancel.

Someone's got to stay here tonight and keep an eye on the videos.

Oh, no, I'll give us a break, Arthur. I'll arrange somewhere else for them to

and I'll pick you up in the morning.

Don't let them out of your sight.

There's a put -me -up up there somewhere, top of the stairs.

Good night.

I'd just like to say that you have to be the most egotistical, insensitive

cheapskate.

What have I done?

Is this your idea of a romantic evening out?

A quick bunk -up in the lock -up.

What do you take me for?

I told you, I've got to look after some gear for me uncle.

Oh, Uncle Arthur.

I might have known.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

You are going to end up just like him.

Ducking in and out of dodgy deals.

ripping off everyone you meet, including me.

I must need my head examining.

What am I doing here?

It's my boy's charm.

I'm into my parlour.

So, er, what's the plan for the evening? Stock -taking?

I've never heard it called that before.

Go on.

I want to show you something.

Oh, how on earth did you... From Singapore sunset.

Seasonable vegetables, lemon chicken, a selection of dim sum, and a pièce de la

résistance, Peking duck. I kill for Peking duck. I know.

All washed down with a bottle of bubbly and a little sonic to say, thanks for

keeping me company, Glor.

What is it?

It's a digital work timer.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well, would you give the girl who's got everything?

And I mean everything.

Thank you.

I didn't know where to put my face.

Shut up about it, Arthur.

I don't like the idea of strange birds in the lock -up. And I didn't like the

idea of spending the night alone there.

And Gloria is not a strange bird, being sprouts all over my paperwork.

What are you two doing here at this time of day?

Oh, don't ask.

Oh, am I glad to see you, Dave.

Currently, that rather than there, you know. Sorry, Dave. How long have I got

get to my stock?

Oh, it's only for a couple of days. We've got a little log jam at the lock

Oh, no. No way.

I mean, I can hardly swing a cat in there as it is, Arthur. I'm ashamed you

want to, Dave. It's only a temporary measure.

No, Arthur, I am putting my foot down.

Dave, I'm surprised at you.

Is this the way for a friend and a business colleague to behave?

A less kind man would describe your attitude as churlish.

Oh, go on, then.

I suppose it'll be all right for a couple of days. That's the spirit, Dave.

and bring a couple of boxes in, will you?

Many hands make light work, as the poet says.

Arthur, somebody outside wants to work with you.

Any problems, officer?

Is this your vehicle? It is indeed.

I have all the legal documents to prove it.

Your tax disc's out of date.

It's nothing less than a scandal, founded on my very own doorstep by the

tactics of the local traffic police.

Road tax.

I don't mind paying the road tax if they provide us with decent roads.

I set up a perfectly good business deal, and what happens? I cannot get my

merchandise beyond Shepherd's Bush.

The arteries of our once great capital are totally clogged.

We all know what happens when your arteries get clogged. Roads are

Not fit for farm carts.

I mean, how is the modern businessman expected to contribute to the new spirit

of enterprise abroad in the country when the roads are full of potholes?

Give us the tools, as Winston said, and we will finish the job.

But this cavalier attitude to entrepreneurs... Talking of which,

with that tax disc?

We've got to get them videos down to Limehouse.

You mean Two -Tone's going to take them after what he said yesterday?

I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

What was that?

I'm letting him have them half price.

Glad I caught you.

Di, what you doing round here? Don't even ask, Arthur.

Where's your boy?

Ray?

Oh, he's just slipped out to get me a tax disc.

Sorry to have missed him.

Can I get you a bevy, or are you shooting off?

Well, no, I was... Yeah, all right, fine.

I'm sorely depressed.

sorely depressed.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Di.

It's a sad and troubled world we live in.

Wouldn't you agree?

Oh, yes. Very sad, very troubled.

A man goes through life trying to earn a crust.

Then one day when he thinks the sun is shining and God's in his heaven, someone

does him down.

Someone done you down, Di?

It saddens me to say that somebody has burgled me like a thief in the night

came. And robbed me.

Who would burgle you?

I don't know.

But when I found out, I was very, very angry.

I was planning what I was going to do with him, Miss Green, when I caught up

with him. And I'm ashamed to think of the depth my mind sank to.

I can imagine.

Then I had a good idea, didn't I?

Did you?

I thought I'd go round to my friends, people like you, Arthur, and let them

what happened.

I figured if they'd heard anything, they'd surely let me know.

So keep your ears to the ground.

Oh, yeah, I will.

What exactly went missing?

Nothing major.

A few videos.

But it's the principle of the thing.

Absolutely.

Have another drink.

Bit early in the day for me, Arthur.

Moderation in all things.

Just one.

Please.

Get thee behind me, Satan.

Take it from me, Arthur.

There will be a wailing and gnashing of teeth before this is over.

I'm sunk. The videos are big dies.

That's why Derek sold them so cheap.

What did Big Die have to say?

Asked me to keep an eye out for him. Well, at least he doesn't know you've

them. He's on to me. I could see it in his eyes. Hard and cruel like a shark.

He's playing cat and mouse.

Well, you'd better get him out of here.

I'll go and see if Ray's back with the van.

Look, there's Beezer in the bush.

What? Don't look.

In, in.

What's your plan, then? One false move and we've had it. Bye -bye, kneecap.

Arthur, calm down.

Big Die's mounted a guard. He's watching the club.

We're trapped.

Well, who's Big Die?

He breaks people's knees.

It's all right, Arthur. I'll have a word with him. No, no, no. He's got friends

in very low places. Everything all right, Arthur? No, it's not all right.

Die's sitting outside.

Go on in there. I've got to think. Come in here. Come on. I've got to think.

I've got to think. Easy, Arthur.

Right, you're going. You're busting archery.

Arturus. Of course, that's it.

Winston Churchill.

He's flipped.

I used to listen to his speeches on the radiogram.

I had a box set. It cost me £4 .1911.

Oh, a small price to pay for a lifesaver. Arthur, how is Winston

to help you get 200 piping hot videos out from under the nose of a sarcotic ax

man from Cardiff? You know what he said? The future of British transport will

lie in the waterways of England.

They will be arteries.

I can hear it now. It's stuck in my mind. He had a lovely turn of phrase,

Winston. What are you going on about, Arthur? Don't you see? It's brilliant.

What is? The waterways of England.

What waterways?

The canal.

Oh, I'm with you. We dump the videos in the canal.

No, we do not. We rent a barge.

Get a couple of boxes and follow me.

I know a bloke who runs a water -hall in his business not 20 minutes from here.

He's the Aristotle Anastas of Greenford. I'll hire a barge, you get the van in,

load the videos up, and we'll rendezvous at the boatyard in half an hour.

Limehouse by tea time, simple.

Limehouse in four hours?

Allow him for lots? No, Charles. Arthur, big guy's going to be very suspicious

if he sees Ray driving your van in here.

That's a point.

There's nothing for it, Dave. We'll have to use your car.

Well, we'll have to make several trips.

Arthur, the address!

Freddie Barnett's boatyard at Greenford. What is that?

Have you got an agent's head? You do know Limehouse is on the other side of

London. Look, it's all hands to the pump. We're never going to make it.

I've told you before about this negative attitude.

Needs must when the devil rides.

You've known him a long time, Dave.

Has he always been like this?

Oh, this is one of his better days.

Nice name, Persephone.

Persephone, the Greek goddess of the underworld.

Probably knows big die then.

What do you think?

Well, not exactly the royal yacht Britannia, is it?

I don't know the appearances to save you. She's a trim craft.

Old girl may be in need of a facelift, but she still has fire in her belly.

You haven't got anything smaller?

Smaller?

Persephone would take around the horn in a false twelve.

The point of the point is, who should get me the limehouse?

Would I scare you or me?

That's good enough for me, Captain.

Does it have a will?

It's a bit cramped, isn't it?

I like to think of it as cosy.

Bunk there, bunk there.

Where's the old?

Other side of that bulkhead.

I'll check it out.

I'll explain the work against your lad, Arthur.

Sir, if you wouldn't mind.

150.

One and a half ton a day.

Daylight robbery.

Right.

Right.

Well,

I'll see you later.

And remember...

Don't give her too much sick when she starts up.

Arthur.

What? You do realise you've hired a bard with an indoor swimming pool?

Eh?

Here, look.

That's probably perfectly normal.

Normal? There's more canal inside the barge than outside it.

It's probably slippage or suppage or whatever they call it. Bilge is the word

you're looking for, and that's exactly what you're talking.

You can bail it out.

Arthur, this is not a rowboat on a serpentine.

There must be four tonnes of water down there.

I swear on the Bible I ain't owed nothing.

If I do, I'll bail you on it.

I'm glad you know your Bible.

You'd be familiar with the Tenth Commandment, huh?

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.

Hope you haven't been covered in mine.

Never. I wouldn't dream of it.

Then who has?

Lightfinger Ted?

Frenchie Flynn?

You'll have to do better than that.

Have you tried Arthur Daly?

Dave, stop moaning.

Sorry, Dave.

Only you could rent a float in Lilo, Arthur. Oh, stop going on about it.

Get your hand out of my pocket. I'm trying to put it down.

Oh!

How many more, for God's sake?

That's it.

Oh, thank goodness. Suddenly there's spots for the eyes.

Look, Arthur, you'd better get going.

You get back to the club and keep your eyes peeled for big day.

Ray, fire her up and let's get sailing.

Limehouse, here we come.

Don't hold your breath, Limehouse.

What about Two -Tone?

Two -Tone? Yeah, Tony Anthony. He runs Videolux down in Limehouse.

He's very big in video gear.

That's more like it.

I enjoyed our chat.

Nice suit, Derek.

Hey! Cast off at the rear.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Get on! Get on! Get on then!

Quickly!

Are you all right?

Where's London?

Well, this is all very soothing, I must say.

Probably quite healthy.

When you were a lad, I taught you on the river.

Never.

Stratford -upon -Avon.

That's up Birmingham way, ain't it? Yeah, that's right.

Your mum was visiting your dad in Winsome Green.

I'll never forget it.

There was a little toy in the souvenir shop, you know, by the theatre.

A little woolly duck -duck, all done up like amulet.

Oh, you didn't half pester me for it.

I don't remember a duck like that. No, you didn't get it. Cost seven sixpence.

You were always a generous uncle.

I bought you ice cream.

I bought you three ice creams.

You were sick all down my crumbie.

I'd like to see Mr. Anthony.

If you just take a seat, sir, I'll check his availability.

Let's start again, love.

I say I'd like to see Mr. Anthony.

You say, certainly, sir.

I'll go and get him.

I'm telling you, you can't see him without an appointment.

He's a very busy man.

I tell you what.

Vicky, you do me a favor and go and get him.

Then I'll do you a favor.

What's that, then?

You won't have to spend the next two nights stuck at home, wondering how you

get bright green nail polish out of your lovely, shining hair.

Um, Mr. Anthony?

I don't know.

Here, take hold of the handle and switch up the engine.

I'll check it out.

Hey, there's definitely something snagged by that propeller.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to see if I can free it. Yeah.

Right. Right, be careful, though.

Be careful?

I'm going to have to free it by hand.

You'll have to hang on to me while I lean over. Right, but be careful,

All right.

Well, hang on to me legs then, Arthur.

Well, hang on. I've got the two in one hand. All right.

Unlike the tiller girl.

You don't remember them, do you?

No, I don't. It's all your time.

I've got you in a vice like grip, don't worry.

It's a plastic bag or something.

Oh, that is disgusting.

People have no respect for the water.

Come on, come.

That's it. All right? Yeah.

Full speed ahead, Arthur.

So you see, I'm anxious to get this matter cleared up as quickly as I

can.

Mr. Evans, I don't think we're even on the same planet, let alone the same

wavelength.

What's your missing property got to do with me?

Because, Mr. Anthony, word has it that you're in London.

There is only one bigger fence than you, and it surrounds Buckingham Palace.

Oh, look, I've had just about enough of this taffy.

Either you produce a warrant card in the next five seconds, or you'll be leaving

this place in sprints.

Biggie!

Ask Andrew to pop in here, would you?

I assure you, Mr Anthony, I have no connection with the police.

I regard them as I imagine you do.

As the Pharisee, there to be smitten.

You're completely putty, ain't you?

You walk in here...

You assault my secretary and then go banging on about some Babylonian plot to

steal your goods and blacken your name?

Well, you're a long way from home, Sonny, and we don't like trespassers in

manner.

Andrew. Mr Evans was just leaving.

See him out, would you?

Andrew.

Are you familiar with the Book of Samuel?

How are you feeling?

Shocking.

I mean, you could get seasick on a canal, Arthur.

You're driving.

Keep jiggling it about.

Oh, hold on. I'll come up and join you.

I couldn't feel worse when I was facing Big Die.

The Book of Samuel.

David and Goliath.

The Thriller and Ela.

No such thing as a mismatch, see?

Now, where were we?

Yeah, good idea, Arthur.

I'm sure we'll do you good.

I can't take much more of this.

Where's Limehouse?

There.

And where are we?

There.

And where do we start from?

There.

That'll take weeks.

We certainly won't get there today.

I still don't remember that Stratford trip.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You're about knee -high to a barstool.

I do remember you taking me to a car auction, though.

A car auction? When?

I don't know. I must have been about ten.

Mum asked you to look after me. She was with Granny in hospital.

You've got a right arm. You said you couldn't do business with a kid in tow.

Well, you can't. I mean, let's face it.

You bought a Wolsey.

Oh, yeah, the Wolsey.

That's a lovely car.

Yeah, we came back in it.

On the way, we stopped off at some old drinking club.

I'm sure we didn't. Yeah, we did. You said some bloke owed you money.

I don't remember that.

You bought me a bottle of limeade and a packet of tall vinegar.

Told me you wouldn't be long.

It would have gone over an hour.

You come back, your nose was all bloody.

Yeah, you're making this up.

As I'm standing here, and you made me promise not to tell Mum.

Did you?

Not a dickie bird.

Good boy.

It'll be dark soon.

Sorry about the misunderstanding, Di.

I'd be delighted to help if I hear anything.

Very Roman of you.

Two -tone.

I appreciate that.

Andrew's having a little nap in Mr. Anthony's office when he wakes up.

Tell him no hard feelings.

Who the hell was that?

That, Vicky, was a gentleman.

Welsh, paranoid.

Possibly psychotic, but a gentleman for all of that.

I don't know. I can't see a thing.

Turn the light round and have a look.

Yeah.

Come on.

What?

It's gone out.

Well done, Arthur.

Right, that's it.

What? This is getting too dangerous.

I'm pulling this into the side.

We'll start out first thing in the morning.

Oh, I've got no idea.

Well, Big Di hasn't either.

I don't fancy waking up in the middle of the night and finding myself at the

bottom of the canal.

Well, if we're going to stay here tonight, you'd better shift these videos

make some room.

Yeah, all right.

You'd better make sure you lash them down tightly and cover them with a

tarpaulin. We don't want people walking off with them. The air is completely

deserted.

Where do you suppose they keep their bed linen?

I think you're wearing it, Arthur.

Keep in my coat.

I'm not a bloody student.

I'm starving. Do you reckon there's a restaurant round here somewhere?

I thought you were sick.

No, I've got my sea legs now.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Well, go into a wreckage, see if you can find something.

If I don't get my evening meal, I'll turn up my toes in the night.

I'll fire up the stove and make it all snug and cosy for when you come back.

and see if he can find half a bottle or something or other. All right, I'll see

what I can find. Good boy.

Hey, hey, hey, proper tonic, mind.

No diet.

Yes, Arthur.

Ray, don't be long.

Tinder. That's what I need.

Tinder.

with you, Adam and Eve.

No!

Who's there?

We're armed in here.

Aren't we, Ray?

That's right, Arthur. You tell them.

Grab that axe, Dave.

Right behind Arthur.

What, Dave?

Right behind Arthur.

Too right.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Thank God it's you.

Oh, you didn't know I was giving me a turn.

Where have you been?

I've traipsed miles.

Oh, never mind that. Come on, let's get inside.

Give us a bag. Here.

Is that it?

Yeah, that was all they had.

Prawn cocktail.

Salt and vinegar's a natural flavour for a potato.

Spring onion.

Garlic? I can't eat this.

Stop moaning.

It'll be as warm as toast in a minute.

The only thing that's warm on this boat is the lager.

Three, four, five, six.

Community chest.

You have won a crossword competition. Collect £100.

They like you, don't they, Arthur? They do, they do.

Hold on.

You don't get crossword competitions in community chest. They're chance.

No, no, no, it's a very old set. It makes no difference. Let's have a look

it. Maybe I misread it.

No, let's see what... Pay hospital fees, £100?

How can you misread that? I knew it was something to do with £100.

I don't believe it. You're cheating at Monopoly.

Yeah, come on, you'll get it. All right, all right.

Your last row, you got six.

Yeah. And you was on Whitehall. So?

So, one, two, three, four, five, six is Vine Street, which is mine, which has

got one, two, three houses, which is 600 smackers. All right.

Here's your money. Come on. Here you go. Lovely.

600.

All right, all right.

Double four.

One,

two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Go to jail.

No, it's a double. Go directly to jail. No second chances.

Hold on a minute. What?

Mine Street had four houses on it. No, no, it had three.

Yeah, it's got three now, but it had four before.

How come you've got house on a strand?

I probably bought it, didn't I? You never. You've nicked my house. No, don't

darned. No, another house is another 200 quid. Now, don't be silly. You can't

collect rent from in jail.

I wasn't in jail when you landed on it, Arthur. No, no, no one's cheating, eh?

No one's cheating. Come on, give me the dice.

Amazingly true to life, this game, ain't it?

The innocent end up in Chokey while the Camelhead coat brigade are buying up the

West End and nicking anything that ain't nailed down. Give me the dice.

Put some more coal on the fire. It's getting nippy.

Right.

Hey, we're all out.

No, we'll freeze to death.

We'd better turn in anyway. No, no, no, I've just landed on Mayfair.

How can you land on Mayfair from there? Easily. What do you do, five double

twelve? Oh, don't be so silly.

Here you are.

Here you are.

What's he doing?

You win.

It's yours.

Don't ask me to play with your game.

Arthur, put that cigar out. It's worse than the stove.

Ray.

What? I'm cold.

Wrap your coat round you.

I'm still cold.

Well, put your hat on, then.

I've got my hat on.

Go to sleep.

It's just a bug going by.

Some people have got no consideration.

They've got no right hurtling up and down the canal at all hours.

I report them.

What are you doing?

What's that?

It's just a water rat or something. Rat? You've been saying about rats.

I can't abide them.

Ray. What?

Go and scare it off.

Honestly, Arthur, you're worse than a six -year -old.

The nasty, wasty rat's gun.

Arthur?

Sweet dreams.

Now, Two -Tone, we'll be with you immediately after lunch.

Yep, I promise you.

Yeah, trust me, Two -Tone.

See you then. Ta -ra.

Did you get through?

Yeah, he was very understanding.

I told him we'd be there immediately after lunch. You'd better get a case on

him, eh? Yeah, not till I've had my breakfast. What do you get?

Oh, eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, tin of tomatoes, nice bit of black pudding.

Oh, music to my ears. Get frying. Hey, did you talk to Warnie? No, no, no. She

was engaged.

I don't know, Mrs Daly.

He hasn't been in.

He wasn't in last night either.

I shouldn't worry.

He probably got held up somewhere.

Well, the last time I saw him, he was on his way to Limehouse.

On a boat.

Right, well, I'll get him to call you as soon as I see him, Mrs Daly.

Bye.

Uh, Di, what can I get you?

Father not around?

No. Pity.

I wanted a word.

Any luck with your videos, Di?

I sincerely hope so, David.

I have a shrewd suspicion that a Mr. Anthony in Limehouse might have some

information for me.

Plutone at Limehouse.

Do you know him?

Oh, well, vaguely.

I have heard of him.

Come on, Arthur.

Raymond.

Why don't you go before we left? Do you mind?

I don't wish to discuss this in broad daylight.

Come on, come on. Can't stop.

All right.

Let's go.

Come back!

Come back!

Get me! I'm going!

I'm going, Ray!

I'm going!

Yeah?

What's the matter with you? You've got a problem with boats?

Don't go!

I'm not there yet.

I was wondering if you could tell me where he's likely to be by now, because

something's come up and it's urgent.

Oh, it's hard to say, mate.

Could be anywhere.

Where's it on Canal?

Yeah. Oh, well, thanks very much.

Of course, if he's that urgent, yeah, you could always take him, Rob.

Have him to Limehouse within the hour.

Bound to catch up with him.

Very kind of you.

90 quid should cover the hire.

I'm very disappointed in you.

You almost went to pieces back there.

You what?

Nothing. No, no, no, no. I want to know.

It doesn't matter.

If it does, you're early in accusations.

Look, I don't want to harp on it. Good.

Always the same.

What do you mean?

Going off an arsepot.

The same way you were a nipper. You don't do your own work.

Coming up with grandiose schemes and you haven't the faintest idea what you're

talking about.

Grandiose schemes?

It wasn't my idea to come down a canal.

No, and look what I'm landing with, a complete incompetent.

Not only am I in a credit for another day's rental, I've got the extra expense

of having a van repaired.

Wait a minute, don't put all this down to me.

You were desperate because you were stupid enough to rip off one of the

faces in London.

I don't know where you get it from.

I did not rip him off, and I am not stupid, and I am not incompetent.

What have you done?

What have I done? You're a menace.

Arthur, would you stop trying to blame me?

Oh, that's it, that's it. I'm blighted, blighted. All I want to do is move some

goods from A to B, add my little sparkle to the economy, and what happens?

As soon as I get enough gear together to earn a crust... My own flesh and blood

smashes it to bits.

Poor Uncle Arthur.

Poor art done by Arthur. Always somebody else, isn't it? Never you.

I know you're not the one who's ducking in and out of dodgy deals and ripping

off everyone you meet, are you? I beg your pardon? Not granted. Do not put all

this down on me.

I didn't know you could be so vindictive.

How can you turn on me after all I've done for you? Well, what have you done

me, eh?

Got my own stuff all over the shop. You risked me neck for you, do your dirty

work for you.

over London for you.

I don't even get a bottle I'm eating a packet of crisps anymore.

Oh, why don't you go...

Well,

let us know if you see any strangers hanging about.

And make sure you make your boat secure if you leave it for any length of time.

Here's the sort of character that would steal the sugar out of your tea.

Hello.

It's Donald Campbell.

Come on, Arthur, put your back into it.

No, it's no good.

I can't go on.

My old ticker's not up to it.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello, Dimey.

Okay, Tony, speak to me. What's the Joker's name? Hold on, Dye. You're on my

manor now. We'll do things my way.

Let's make sure this stuff's yours first, shall we?

Fair enough.

In the van, out the back.

Here, Harper, this two -toes place.

Here, take Till and I'll make ready a tie -off.

Take it in the bank, Harper, but go easy, yeah?

Hey, you're giving it too much, Harper.

What's the matter with you?

By the way, having shelled out for this gear, I'd like some remuneration.

The Lord will provide.

Here we go.

Yeah, they're mine, all right.

Glad to be of service.

The name?

Farrick Flynn.

Frenchie Flynn.

I might have guessed.

Cut the engine!

How do you get into it?

So this was what all the fuss was about.

20 great Welsh boxes.

I'll be able to press a finger, too.

You're giving it too much, Harper.

For God's sake, ease up. Ease up.

Harper. Harper, shove it in reverse.

Harper, shove it in reverse.

Yeah, what's that?

Hello, Arthur.

Hello, Tony.

Arthur. Di.

What are you doing, man?

No, no, no, no, Di. There's a perfectly simple explanation.

Ray, if you're looking for a ruck, pal, you're going to have to deal with me

first. What are you talking about, son?

It wasn't Arthur Nickshaw videos.

Of course it wasn't. It was Frenchie Flynn.

Was it?

Two Tonya got them back for me.

Video cassettes.

These are collector's items.

They contain the best moments in a boxing career of Ether Evans.

Who's he?

Me.

So -called because I always put them out.

So you see why they're so precious to me.

Oh, I do, Di.

I do, I do.

Well, I've got to be off.

I have to teach Frenchie Flynn the Eighth Commandment.

Are those my videos, Arthur? If you like, Tony.

You got my phone number, ain't you?

Yeah. Tear it up.

What an unmitigated disaster.

I think you had a result.

How? You've still got your elf in big dyes off your back.

Yeah, but that's no consolation for several grounds worth of high tech at

bottom of the Grand Union.

I'll tell you what, Arthur.

What? This has been a boat trip I will remember.

It's one I shall try very hard to forget.

I'm too long in the tooth ray to go for my Duke of Edinburgh's award.

Come on, let's get this heap back to Greenford. Right.

Ray?

Yes, Arthur?

You know all that stuff you said earlier about me ducking in and out of dodgy

deals and ripping everyone off?

I didn't mean it.

I'll just eat you in a moment.

You haven't been talking to her indoors, have you?

Nah. Oh, she wouldn't say anything like that about me.

Course not, Arthur.