Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Yes, dear, I know, dear. But that is no reason that... Yes, dear, but I can't...

Let me explain, dear.

Yes, dear.

No, dear.

What's bothering you, John?

Nothing that a skin graft wouldn't put right.

Not with you, John. Just cut all that John crap. My name is Harry.

If you have trouble with two syllables, just call me Tell. What?

I mean, what's that going to look like when you're middle -aged, though, with a

couple of kids and a mortgage round your neck? The only thing I'm going to have

round my neck is this, right?

All right, my dear, if you insist.

If you insist.

All right, then, is it, Uncle Arthur?

Just because you are the perverse offspring of her indoors sister does not

you proper family.

It makes him your nephew. That's proper, isn't it? Only because of the peculiar

laws of marriage, Terry. What I mean is there are no actual genes or corpuscles

of the daily blood responsible for this.

Mr Prime Minister?

This spectacle of degenerate homo sapiens. Here, Uncle Arthur, who are you

calling homo? And do not call me uncle. I do not want people to think I'm

related to you in any way whatsoever.

We are, aren't we? I have an image to keep up, and bald punks is not a part of

it. Skinhead. What?

Your nephew Nigel here is a skinhead.

Isn't that right, John?

Right, John.

Right, John. What do you mean you've got to get the tribal identification right

or they'll get the ump?

Roger? Oh, yeah, right.

Look, will you two return to planet Earth and tell me what you are talking

about? Thing is, have I got a job or what?

You can start by cleaning that lot.

I don't want to watch motors, do I?

Terry, will you try and communicate with him, because I'm finding it very

difficult. It's all part of your new employment duties, Nigel.

Why can't I be a car salesman or something?

A shaven head, dangerous and threatening footwear, and a swastika ramp between

its minces. I am running a service industry here. I deal with the public,

wear normal clobber.

Confronted by you, I couldn't even give them free meals.

Am I right, or am I right?

Right, Johnny.

See you again.

Terry, show Nigel where the necessary cleaning things

are, will you? They're just behind the door on the right there. I know that, I

know that, but he doesn't. Tell him.

Why don't we have a tea break? Look, Nigel, let's get one thing clear from

off. Your mother has intervened with her indoors in the hope that I can, in some

unfathomable way, help you to become a normal human being.

Nothing wrong with me, might I tell? Right, Nigel, right.

Personally, I am of the opinion that such a transformation would take many

of deep therapy in a top security institution.

As a personal favour to your mother, and in spite of terrible feelings of

foreboding, I am willing to give you a chance to earn what will undoubtedly be

the only honest crust you'll ever earn in your miserable life.

What's the on about, Tell?

Don't know, Nige.

Still, look on the bright side of it. It could like you, then you'd really be in

trouble. You are on a week's probation.

Any looning about, and you're on your bite with your cards. Got it?

Oh, I forsook, Uncle Arthur.

So, what are you telling me? I'm simply suggesting, Captain, that I think it

would be ill -advised.

I am the Captain, and I will decide it, what is or isn't ill -advised.

Comrade Natasha Grigorievna Yushko.

John? Morning, Mother.

Good grief.

You looking for someone or something, Mr Chisholm?

How about you, John? One new mother?

Who or what is that?

That is family.

Family? That is Arthur's nephew.

And now an employee of Daily Enterprises.

Daily Enterprises.

Ian, is he?

Arthur? No.

Don't mind if I seriously doubt your words, do you? You'd be disappointed if

didn't.

Say where he be?

No. Say when he be back?

No. What was a minor detail information, eh, McCain?

Yeah. Got the time, have you?

Yes, thank you.

Interesting kettle, Terence.

Oh, do you like it?

Had it long, have you?

Well, three years, yeah.

Well, of course, you've got a receipt. Leave off with the chism. Yeah, right.

Got it.

Old Bill John, right?

Right. Yeah, listen, right. I was thinking of joining the force, right? I

dead Andy with the boots, didn't I?

What do you reckon?

Not trying to take the piss, are we, Sonny? No, I mean it, don't I? I'd love

wouldn't I, right?

Serious? Right, right.

What a boil on the backside of humanity.

I would have thought that Arthur had a skinner for a nephew.

Let me enlighten you, Jones.

Almost any antisocial misfit is a candidate for Daly's kiss, kid and

I mean, I can cop the odd bit of gear off her, obviously, but this case is all

about bulk buying. Know what I mean? A real proper Russian, you mean?

Well, say what?

Ain't that the same as you and me?

The man's a punter. What's the difference?

Well, I don't have to tell you, Ernie. You know, a lot of my gear is a sort of

pedigree that wouldn't stand too much scrutiny, if it were wise. You know what

mean? No, of course it don't.

Here you go.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Arthur.

Chisholm was asking after you to start it out.

Chisholm? Yeah.

You say what?

No, no, he wouldn't, would he? Just sniffing around, you know. Where would

be at that time? Would you be here this evening?

That sort of stupid thing.

Who's this Chidham, then?

Local plod.

Gives me more than enough aggravation, I can tell you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm not sure I want to encourage any more by knocking out gear to Russian

Matalos. I mean, they have a different system to ours if it all goes boss

It's a bash on the Bond Standard Art Alley at night and off you go.

Salt mines and Archipegalos. Not very nice at all.

Turn it in, Arthur. I'm talking about an ordinary seaman off an ordinary cargo

ship.

we're always knocking out bits and pieces to them down the docks, having

for yonks.

Oh, I don't know, Ernie, I don't know.

Listen, I'm not trying to get a drink out of it, that's what's bothering you.

No, no, no, no. I was trying to do you a favour. I appreciate it, Ernie, I

appreciate it. In that case, I won't say no if you do put me in, will I?

Oh, Dave, Ernie will look after this.

Cash customer, eh? Yes, sir.

Point of interest, what sort of gear is this Soviet citizen interested in?

Well, um, they're very big on quart watches.

All right, tell me... Hello, Mickey. What are you doing round here?

Hoping to see Arthur, is he about?

No, I think he's gone to see his accountant this morning.

Do you want me to give him a message?

Well, I've got these samples he was asking about.

If he's interested, tell him to give me a bell, all right?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Hello, John.

Want a new motor?

Oh, er, this is Nigel, Arthur's nephew.

Is he kidding?

No.

Why did you leave it at the car lot?

Forgot it, that's all. Oh.

Well, I sent Nigel back for it.

You let that airless oaf have the key to the office?

It's all right. It is not all right. Who knows what he might damage or disturb

or thieve?

But Arthur, he is family. I mean, how could he do a thing like that, eh?

Anyway, what's in the parcel?

Samples. Kettles.

Quartz. That's a quart to the price.

Yeah, well, coming from Mickey Coyne, they've got to be oaky, haven't they?

It's all right to feel he feels.

Oh, look, just because a man's been fitted by plot a couple of times doesn't

mean he's at it.

He is an honest entrepreneur, like me.

Exactly.

You know Chisholm was around the car lot, don't you? Yeah, yeah, and Dave

he was around in Winchester, too.

I wonder what he's after.

Dodgy digitals, probably.

What makes you say that?

Well, he took more than a passing interest in mine. Yeah, but that's

I know this isn't.

But it don't take the brains of Lloyd George to work it out, does it, eh? Work

what out, McCann?

A two and two are four.

Or if it's dodgy, it's got to be daily.

I wonder what you're trying to imply, Mr Chisholm. No implication, Arthur.

Simple statement of fact.

I would like to point out to you that that is the sort of litigious remark

my lawyer would be only too happy to pursue.

There is nothing dodgy about me or my stock.

And you won't mind us having a look round, will you?

Ask him, Terry, will you?

Have you got a warrant?

Tell him, will you, Jones?

Warrants are a time -consuming formality, Arthur.

We simply tell any magistrate any damn thing we like, and they'll sign on the

dotted, no question.

We know it.

You know it.

Everybody knows it.

So why should we bother, eh?

Particularly when it's someone as patently dodgy as you.

Well, when it's put like that, it does have a certain forceful logic about it.

Thank you for pointing that out to me, Terry, yes. Yes, it does, doesn't it?

I suppose there's no point in asking exactly what it is you're looking for,

Chisholm. Just a little, Arthur, none at all.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Uncalled for, Mr Chisholm, uncalled for. I should have a word with your

suppliers, Ripper.

Oh, very good, James. Lovely way to earn a living, innit?

Invading people's privacy, searching their premises, vandalising it.

Uh, Nigel?

No, I should have a look over there.

Who gave you permission to drive that? Get out.

Don't bring it in the car.

Terry,

get this back to the car lot, will you?

I want a word with you inside.

Sorry about this, Mr Chisholm. One of Mother Nature's genetic freaks. Stop

there, Daly.

Oh, yes.

I can see the family likeness.

Oi!

Something wrong, Mr Chisholm?

Something certainly smells wrong. I know, I keep talking to you about

hygiene, but you don't listen to a word I say.

Right, if I can, let's see the boot. Jones?

Yours? Part of my stock, certainly, yes.

Got a licence?

Has it?

Of course not, have I?

Oh, a minute.

Name? How do you stand it, Taff?

Celtic willpower.

And a morbid fear of unemployment.

I don't know, Mr Chisholm. Violence and villainy running amok on our streets.

And all we can find time for is to harass the innocent.

I want you, Ryan and Nick.

Driving licence, documents and the insurance.

Nevertheless, considering the dismal clear -up rate by the Met in this great

city of ours, I suppose...

Spare wheel and Jack.

That's all, Gaff.

I hate a disappointment.

Don't you?

Jones.

My friends.

You've got something for me, yes?

Could be, comrade, could be.

What are you drinking, vodka?

Whiskey. Your vodka's like a piss water.

Large scotch, Avril.

Do some business and I will give you a bottle of real Russian vodka, eh?

And remember, Terry, diplomacy is obdience.

Diplomacy? What are you talking about?

We are dealing with a citizen of the Soviet Socialist Republic.

You're an actual communist.

But not only that, he's a foreigner.

So what's that got to do with it? Terry, we are in effect ambassadors for our

country. Ambassadors?

And as such, we must conduct our business in a proper English way.

And what's that?

Sympathy and understanding for the oppressed citizen of foreign parts, but

remain sure and firm in our capitalistic ideal.

Not ripping the punter off for every ruble you can get, eh? That ideal.

Hey, listen, what are you going to tell Chisholm that Nigel was family for?

Chisholm, of all people.

Just wanted to impress him.

Impress him?

Not even vaguely funny, Terry.

I shall have to put up with jibes about my kith and kin for the next ten years.

Which is just about what you're going to get if you're captured selling ooky

watches to the Russians.

I told you they are not ooky. I know. Well, what about all that at the car lot

with Chisholm, then? I was simply trying to protect Nigel from a confrontation

with the forces of law and order.

They have a very strong bias against the youth of this country.

The boy's obviously simple in the head. He could have said anything.

You're lovely, you are.

Here we are.

Listen, any sign of the KGB moving in, you'll give him a right hand and give me

time to leg it, right? Oh, I see, yeah, yeah.

Diplomacy, eh? Yeah. Ambassadors of our country, huh?

Bullshit!

A leg.

Right, we've got a deal, then.

Three dozen at the aforementioned price.

A deal. I can let you have these and the tracksuits more or less immediately.

Comprendez -vous?

Comprendez -vous? The guy's just Russian.

Terry, am I communicating with a man or am I communicating with him?

You savvy, don't you, Sergei? I don't need lessons in linguals. There is a

common language that we all understand and work in international trade.

Gold, Elvis.

Sorry about that, comrade, but you understand about peasants, don't you?

He has good sense of humour, this lad of yours. I like.

He likes you.

We do good business.

Terrific. Let's all have another drink on the strength of it, eh?

Oh, and don't worry about the emotive thingies.

I believe I have the genuine, similar American article. Stars and stripes,

You're guaranteed to get striped by him.

And how's the salt market over there, by the way?

Oh, I like!

Yeah, great!

I wonder what he's bought this time.

Perhaps we should ask the captain.

Last time, our comrade Sergei got me some very nice degenerate underwear.

I will show you if you like, Vladimir.

Oh,

by the way, I was checking the conversion rate of the ruble vis -à -vis

pound sterling in the Financial Times.

95p, I believe.

Yeah, what you might call the quid pro copac, eh? Please, Terry, we're trying

talk global currency exchange.

We do not want to instigate a diplomatic incident because of a misunderstanding

about the proper ratings, comrade, right? Yes, yes.

Sergei Zhukovsky.

Why are you not for the rest of the crew?

What's the point in learning English, comrade, if I'm restricted from

the cause of exploited working classes in the West?

Absolutely, absolutely.

You can introduce yourself.

Okay, Terry.

I'm Natasha Grigoryevna Yushko.

I'm pleased to meet you, Terry.

I am the bosun on the Ushenko.

Bosun? You?

You can't be a bosun. You are surprised because I am a woman, yeah?

In Russia, women often do jobs like this. Terry, I think we ought to be on

way. Arthur, hey, where's your manners?

What's all that about diplomacy, eh?

Ambassadors of our country.

Let me introduce you. This, Natasha, yes?

Natasha, this is Arthur, and this is Ernie. How do you do, Arthur?

Yeah, they're workers of the world. Unite them.

Listen, listen, I've got to ask you this. I've always wanted to ask a lady

of a ship.

Look, come over here. Come on.

Terry.

Is she really the bosun?

Yes. She's also party member and ship's political officer.

Political?

KGB leave off.

Political officer's the same thing, isn't it?

Cloak and dagger, you mean, eh? Funny big hat, poisoned umbrellas, all that.

It's all very well to mock, my son, but when it comes to the way the Ruskies

operate, I have read all my Len Dayton, and I've listened to all Ronnie Regan's

speeches. I've seen too many James Bond films.

You didn't mention to her about that bit of business I'd done with that Sergei

Geezer, did you? You? No, no, no.

No, we traded in more important information.

More important what?

What? Well, vital statistics, that sort of thing, you know. Oh, very droll,

Terry, very droll.

Hey, keep your eye open for a chemist, will you? I'm going to get some corn

plasters. Corn plasters?

It's well out of order, Uncle Arthur, well out of order. Why have I got to

this? Because it offends my sensibilities, and I told you not to

Well, I get a walk down the road... You remove that, and you remove yourself

from my employ, understand?

People will laugh, won't they?

Well, it's better than reeling back in horror and disgust. Here, come on, get

with sewing on these motor things. The man's waiting for delivery.

I made a right ricket telling you I did sewing in a bleeding detention centre,

didn't I? Well, never mind about that. Just treadle the pedal.

Yeah, but for the sort of money you're asking off of Arthur, they've either got

to be snide or bent, haven't they?

Well, does it matter?

He does witches and makes himself busy, yeah. Don't worry about him. He's just

on his rounds trying to get lucky.

All right, then.

I'll take your word for it that you don't actually know who's stormed the

witches.

But you do know who's punting them, don't you?

I only know what I get told, Mr Jones.

That's why people like me tell you.

I mean, let's have it right.

No harsh root villain's gonna whip any heavy stuff in my ear, are they?

This is your bottomless pit of information, is it?

Deep gob.

Your own personal direct line to the activities of the manor's major

Look, Gary.

The quality of grafting isn't what it used to be.

What, with the judges giving them porridge these days?

A name, you lowlife.

There are only gas meters outstanding on our lots. We'll be fitting you nicely,

if you take my meaning.

Another cup of tea, lad, please.

It's lovely, isn't it? I mean, just want to give her a bit of help.

How's it going, then?

Finished, isn't it?

Very good.

There may be a glimmer of hope for you yet, my son.

Well, I folded and stuck them in a box like what you said. Oh, lovely, lovely.

Terry, have you got any Duke of York?

Oh, and get me them Walkman thingies, will you? Get me the lid of the box,

you, Nigel?

There you go.

Ta.

Oh, yeah.

Very subtle after. Very subtle.

Put them in there.

More overpriced Western merchandise for our new petite bourgeoisie, eh, comrade?

Aye, Captain.

If the party must eventually give way to capitalist market forces, eh?

They are the market forces, Sergei Zhukovsky.

Or at least their offspring are.

Not like you.

What? Parting with the goods before you've seen the reddies.

Ernie's on a drink for delivery and collection.

I've known him for years.

You wouldn't turn me over, would you, Ernie?

All done.

Large scotch. What else?

Large scotch, but he's paid on no bother.

He's broke sales in a couple of days. That's it. Arthur, what he'd really like

to get hold of is a cotter of trainers.

You know, those with the stripes down. Keeps going on about Adidas. No trouble.

Well, sir, that's a done, isn't it?

Are you sure? That's not what we agreed. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Yes, we don't.

It ain't sterling, is it? Of course it's not. It's rubles, isn't it? Rubles?

What the bloody good's rubles to me?

You're getting a flap, Arthur. You just change it to bank.

You know, like any currency.

But how do I know that is the right amount?

95 pence a ruble, that's what you said.

We worked it out from there.

Right.

Money's money, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose so.

What's the matter?

Look, I don't understand.

Would you... That is, do you mind repeating that?

It's forbidden currency, Mr Daly.

Forbidden currency? But I have an account here. They can't forbid it. It's

I want to see the manager.

He'll only tell you what I'm telling you.

There are certain currencies that we don't recognise, and Russia is one of

But I've... You've been turned over, haven't you? No, I have not.

That is not faintly amusing, Terry. Please, don't go away.

Look, what we are talking about here is one and a half grand in my capital. And

what is my whack?

Moscow monopoly money. Yes. No, no. Look, are these or are they not genuine

banknotes? They appear to be genuine rubles, yes.

And does this country conduct business with Russia?

I understand what you're saying, Mr Daly, but that is conducted more on an

exchange basis. Our goods for theirs, you know.

I'm afraid we simply do not exchange actual sterling for rubles.

Unless... What, what?

Well... You could try going to the foreign desk of our main branch and

they would accept the money on a collection basis.

Collection basis? What's that?

Well, briefly, it simply means that the bank sends the cash, in this case your

roubles, to a Russian bank in the hope that they will return the equivalent

amount in sterling. In the hope?

Sometimes they're cooperative and sometimes not.

Well, it's sort of potluck, really.

Potluck in a bank?

Theirs, not ours.

Hardly the British way, is it? No, it is not.

They have their little idiosyncrasies.

And if that isn't enough, this bird at the bank tells me that Soviet officials

can get very curious about how large lumps of their currency have ended up in

democratic hands, if you see what I mean.

Well, a grand and a half in roubles is hardly the sort of small change you'd

bring back from holiday over there, is it? Exactly.

A man in my position could end up in a web of international intrigue with...

knows what plots of red revenge on my person.

Yeah, I can see that, Arthur.

I am serious, Dave.

Of course you are.

Yeah, well, and that isn't to mention the unhealthy interest we'll be taking

me by our own, you know... Secret service, huh?

MI5?

The professionals?

There are other clubs I can spend my hour doing, you know, Dave.

Not if it's Ruble, is there?

Hello, Perry.

How did you find me? I mean... Oh, no, sorry, sorry. Come here.

Thank you. Yes, straighten it. Here you go.

So, how did you find me?

You gave me your phone number, remember?

Oh, come on, sit down, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Yeah, but I'm not lifted in a book or anything.

Oh, that was no problem.

Our embassy is very efficient in these matters.

Oh, dear.

I don't know whether to be worried or flattered.

Why didn't you just ring me?

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, you did, yeah.

Listen, what do you drink, eh?

Have you got the Zubrovka?

Pardon?

She wants to know what?

If you happen to know where Sergei is.

What, the Russian matalo that I, um... Yeah, that's the one, yeah. You know,

bloke we had a chat with in the pub with Ernie.

Well, why should I know where the... Something's not happened, has it?

Nothing's come on top, has it?

No, no, I don't think so, no.

Terry, the tone of your voice does not give me confidence.

Well, the truth is that they, I mean, the bosun, you remember, Natasha, she

thinks that the geezer has defected.

Oh, my good God.

And the Ruskies have stuck my name in the frame, eh? They think that I, I

you... Is she still there?

Yeah, yeah.

Alone?

Terry, please.

This could be very dodgy indeed.

Well, it did cross my mind, Arthur.

Listen, don't mention my name on the phone.

You never know who might be ear -wigging.

That little firm under Chelsea Barracks in the KGB can plug in at any trumpet

they like.

Oh, my God, what with this hand of rubles.

I tell you what, do you want to talk to her?

Talk to her? What, have you gone potty or something?

Hello?

Oh, God.

Oh, hello, hello.

I was just... I would like to talk to you about Sergei Zhukovsky, the seaman

from Dushenko, who you were talking to with your friend Terry in the public

house where we also met.

Oh, yes, yes, I do vaguely remember.

I was just explaining to my comrade. I don't think I can help you there.

It was just a brief encounter, a chance meeting, grafters of the world

exchanging words of mutual understanding, so to speak.

I do not think that is all you exchanged, Mr Daly.

You know my name.

I think maybe we should meet and have a little talk.

Sergeant Chisholm.

Yeah, right, yeah.

Asked me to come down personal, like, didn't he?

What's it about?

I've got some information for him, haven't I?

Information? Yeah, information.

Know what I mean, John?

I'll see if he's here.

Here, John.

It's Sergeant to you.

Oh, yeah, right.

Listen, are you allowed to wear what sort of boots you like in this job?

Say, game or drug, I'm going to take you up west.

Up the west? Yes, up the west! No, no, no, not up the west. Up west.

West end.

You know, show you the sights.

You know what I mean.

I like you, you good man. We do good business, eh?

Yeah,

yeah. Come on, up west.

What is what?

What do you want?

Oh, yeah, I'm here, aren't I?

So? Bring me documents, like you said.

You're supposed to produce them to him.

You said to produce them personally.

Yes, to the uniformed officer on duty.

Creepy. I was asking him about the boots.

Boots? Well, if I do decide to join the force, right, I want to wear them as

DMs, right? People respect them, know what I mean?

Sergeant, I want this lad arrested.

Now. Here, hold up, John.

What am I supposed to arrest him for?

Wasting police time and carrying an offensive mouth. Does it matter?

Get out, John. Leave it out.

I'm not sure about this, Charlie.

This way.

This ain't right, right?

Resisting arrest. Leave off.

Assaulting a police officer.

Found an abusive brain in a public place. Do you want it or not?

I've

got

him here with me.

Where? Where is he with you?

Oh, we're in a phone box up west.

You've been showing him round Soho, haven't I? Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

man stripes me for one and a half grand, I've got the KGB on my Gregory, and

you're schlepping him round Soho.

Stripe?

KGB?

Hey, what are you on about?

What am I on about? I'll tell you what I'm on about.

Do you think he will come?

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, he said he would, didn't he?

This is a serious matter.

It might be serious to you, but...

Arthur and I don't know anything about your missing sailor. But you are his

contacts. You are the one he was friendly with.

Contacts? Chance meeting in a pub?

You've got to be kidding.

Kidding?

Yeah, joking.

Not serious.

Oh, no, no. No, no, I do not joke about this.

I also know that you sold him various articles.

No, no, no. Not us.

No, Terry, it is common knowledge on board the ship that Sergei Zhukovsky

Western goods and sells them at home for exorbitant prices.

But I thought all you Russian visitors did that.

He exploits his comrades and betrays the principles of communism.

You do take things seriously, don't you?

Don't you ever let your hair down?

But I have let my hair down.

No. No, no, what I mean is relax, you know, have a good time, have a giggle.

Yes, of course.

When my work is done.

It's another... Yeah, of course you don't count them.

How long will it be before he comes?

Not long enough.

How long are you going to keep him, Dub -Dub Finger?

Long enough.

Then we'll have a little chat to him about his Uncle Arthur.

Um,

what's that?

Don't show your ignorance, Terry. This is a chap car.

The people's popular Edgier of our Soviet friends.

Oh, friends is it now? I see. From the right of Regan to the left of Lenin in

one fast swoop. Terrific. Is she here still?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think the time has come for some delicate

international negotiations in the art of detente.

Well, sounds very impressive. What's it mean?

A slippery slav in return for my sterling.

Better come in tonight.

OK.

Keep it under your chapka.

See? The thing is, Conrad, there's no way I could take you home to my place.

My wife would go potty.

It's the nice thing about foreigners, you see.

I must report to the authorities.

Ask for political action.

Asylum. No, no, no.

Not yet, anyway.

Let's see Harper first.

He'll help you out, don't worry.

That's why I rang him. Sold the earth, hasn't he? My friend, Arthur. Sorry,

Jess. Get a cab.

Yeah.

Taxi.

But first, we have another trick.

No, no, you misunderstand, my dear. I do not know where your shipmate is.

I'm simply offering what assistance I can as a sympathetic citizen who has

his vote for socialism all his working life.

I do not think I believe you. It's true, I swear it.

Clement? Our old Jim? I campaigned for all of them in their time.

You tell her. No, no, no. Look, look, Natasha means she doesn't believe that

don't know where her shipmate is.

Oh, I'm from Working Stock myself, my dear. I'm a man of honour. I couldn't

Porky's to me own.

But how can you help me if you do not know where he is?

Modesty forbids, my dear, but I'm not exactly unknown in the underworld. I'm

underground movement in this city.

I have many contacts.

And that is why it is vital that there should be our little secret between us.

We don't want to bring in the authorities.

No, that could be very embarrassing for all of us, Mr Daly.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose discretion is the... Pardon me asking, comrade, but

come you know my name?

Is that so important?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, there is one other little thing.

No? What is that?

Well, I don't have to tell you, my dear, that unfortunately this is a wicked

capitalistic capital.

And as such, a quest of this nature will incur heavy expenses.

In pounds sterling, I hasten to add. Leave it out, Arthur.

I'm afraid we cannot possibly pay you for this, Mr. Daly.

Arthur, call me Arthur.

I'd rather not, Mr. Daly.

Perhaps we should call in the authorities in this little matter.

Um, no, no, no, no.

Natasha, look, Arthur didn't mean...

He wouldn't want any payment or anything like that, did he? No, no, no, no, no.

Whatever gave you that impression?

No, no, I will bear the brunt of the financial burden, have no fear.

As long as we're agreed that we keep out the heavy mob.

The heavy mob?

Plod.

What is this?

The police.

The private army of the establishment.

And your lot with the furry overcoats and the dodgy brollies.

I think he means the KGB.

Yes, I understand your nervousness.

in this matter.

Tell you what, I'd join the party to get hold of that.

Can't you keep still now?

Well, I don't know. I mean, you're the expert in how the Ruskies think, aren't

you?

Well, where is he, then?

Where is who?

Arthur, you're talking to me, remember?

He's with Ernie.

Where? Highgate.

What a place for a meet, eh?

Yeah. Full marks to Cole.

Oh, very good, Terry, very good.

But this is ridiculous.

Why? Well, why can't we meet in a nice warm boozer or something, eh? Because if

any of the odd lot descend to claim us, we can deny all knowledge of a defector.

We simply say we're showing Comrade Sergei the resting place of the father

the revolution.

Well, yeah, that'll convince them, won't it?

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but Ernie and the Russian Patriot ain't

here, are they? No, they should have been here before us.

Probably been captured and getting the old treatment now.

What treatment?

Well, you know, the electric probes on the nuts, all that sort of stuff. Terry,

please, I hate that sort of imagery.

Yeah, I'm not hanging about here.

I don't know what you expected to gain from the meat anyway.

Well, where'd a man turn me over for one and a half grand?

I bet he didn't think that.

Listen, that was real money to him, wasn't it?

He could take that back to Mother Russia and buy whatever he wanted with it.

Yeah, but look, if I can't have the proper English readies, I want my gear

And how am I going to get that if he defects and leaves all my goods on a

bound for the Baltic?

So what's the plot then, eh?

Well, what are you going to do, graft him to Natasha so she can get a couple

evils from the Russian embassy to swag him back against his will, eh? I am not

grass, Terry. I just want the man to honour his deal.

That's all.

I mean, he can go back on board and say he's been...

Mugged by a running dog, capitalist hooligan, and woke up unconscious in a

or something like that.

Yeah, then what?

Well, then he can slip my good swirly on the dockside.

Then as far as I can discern, he can jump overboard and swim wherever he

to. Don't talk so much rubbish, Gordon.

Look, do you think they're going to let him off the ship once he goes back on

it? Why not?

Well, they take it very seriously when one of their citizens scarves it. Oh,

expert on defective Russians now, are we?

You two are were elephants, aren't you? Dave, Dave, I want you to meet, I want

you to meet... I forgot your bleeding name, didn't I?

Yeah.

He's Russian.

I'd like to see him going slowly.

Yeah, yeah. Look, I was supposed to meet up with Arthur.

Got a bit sidetracked. He's not in here, is he? Oh, for ain't he?

No offence, Ernie, but don't ask me to serve you and your pal any more booze.

Point taken, point taken, David. Just for that one thing, got a bit of a

problem. I can see that.

No, no, no, it's not that.

It's him, you see. It's him. I've got to get... I'm going to be sick.

I've really got to try and get myself a better class of clientele.

And there's another thing you don't know. Yeah, what's that? When these

defectors flop themselves in the West, they have to undergo interrogation by

experts in psychotherapy warfare to make sure they are not double agents.

Double agents? What are you talking about?

After the man is the second stoker or something on a merchant ship, he's just

hustler like you and me. That just shows how little you know about the

netherworld of Smiley's people.

So even if you're right, and I'm not saying it's not a possibility, he would

still have to undergo the interrogation.

They all break down in the end.

Confess all.

But, Arthur, he's got nothing to tell them, has he? What about that little bit

of business we done with him?

Oh, you, Arthur. You done with him? Oh, I see you're no longer on the firm. I'm

innocent, officer. It was him.

Arthur Daly. Nick him. Is that what you're saying?

Pardon? You heard.

Hi, Joe.

Why aren't they cleaning the cars?

What?

What are you doing?

If there's one missing, I'll kill him.

You get that, will you?

Yeah, all right.

Given utterance, has it?

The odd Neanderthal grunt.

That is all, then.

Hmm.

You don't like being locked up, do you, lad?

I ain't done nothing, right?

I want me Uncle Arthur here.

So do I.

So do I.

Yeah, well, ah, it's Dave.

Dave? What's he want?

I think I'll let him tell you that.

Dave?

Dave?

Perhaps now we should contact our people at the embassy, Captain.

We can handle this ourselves, without their bloody interference.

And what if something should go wrong?

If this is reported back to your superiors, I think your ambition to

party ladder will be short -lived.

It was your idea to give them shore leave, Captain. Under your supervision,

Comrade Natasha, I will arrange a couple of the crew to accompany you.

So who did you actually speak to?

Well, the harbour master, and he said he'd inform his captain. Oh, Dave, how

could you?

How was I to know he's some bleeding defector you was doing business with?

I know, and he just threw up all over the car seat in Scarborough without

telling me nothing.

What made you phone up the docks?

Well, I went through his sky and found some identity, saw he's a merchant

seaman, and figured out he wanted to get back to his ship.

And I wanted to get home to bed, and I still do.

I could become the target for a KGB assassin, and he's whining about getting

home to bed. Can you believe it?

Oi, oi, oi, listen, you.

We've still got to get him out of here a bit lively. I mean, they're still going

to try and find him, aren't they? Come and claim him, all that.

Yeah, and we've got some negotiating to do soon.

Yeah, it's what I call a diplomatic approach.

Very sensitive.

Tactful. Discreet. Yeah, considerate.

Ah!

Ah, my friend!

Seems to work.

Track suits.

Yeah. I saw the motors on, didn't I?

That's some Walkmans. Pocket stereo things, you know.

Quartz watches?

Quartz watches.

Tell the time, for those of us who can read it.

I don't know nothing about them. Never saw one of them, thank you, Finn.

But he's all legit, isn't he? My uncle Arthur told me.

Proper businessman.

He's in the service industry, isn't he?

You say he sold these items to a Russian gentleman?

Yeah, that's all right.

A punter's a punter, my uncle Arthur always says.

He wants me to learn the business, doesn't he?

How do you feel? You all right now?

Yeah, it's a head pain. Oh, yeah.

Where are you taking me? Somewhere we can discuss business, comrade.

A little matter of forbidden currency.

Hold on, look at that. It's all on us.

Oh, Terry.

It's her.

She's with them.

Trained Soviet killers, I can tell. Don't talk rubbish.

Get off the ship. That's all. I saw them in the pub. What is this? You have

betrayed me. Who betrayed you? I'm the one who done his dough.

Oh, my God, it's George.

Hello again, Terry.

Natasha. Arthur.

Listen, listen, look, before we get any further... Terry, Terry, Terry. They may

be carrying ice picks. Will you calm down?

Look, you see, this is a free country, you see.

Now, if he don't want to go anywhere, he stays here with us, all right?

And this, Terry, is none of your business.

No.

So, Sergei, you really think the British authorities will let you stay?

Why they shouldn't?

Oh, don't be such a fool.

You are an ordinary merchant seaman of absolutely no political consequence.

And you have been doing illegal actions with English criminals.

You will be sent back home in disgrace, Sergei.

And you will not be able to sail again.

And what of your family?

Have you thought about them?

Natasha, they should forgive you if you come back to the ship with us now.

Well, it's down to you now, isn't it? What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Perhaps they are making sense, huh?

Sense? What about my goods?

And what about these rubbish rubles?

You have betrayed a British working class by turning me over. What do you

him up at Eget would say if he knew? Well, well, well.

What have we here?

They are not mine. They are rubles.

That will do nicely.

This way, ladies and gentlemen, please.

What's going on?

Who is this man, Paddy?

That man is old Bilski.

So is that one.

Do you speak Welsh?

misunderstanding, Mr. Chiswick. Bleeding liver, take it. Yes.

You are making a big mistake, officer.

We are Russian citizens on a sightseeing tour. Move along, please. I was just

helping him find a bureau of exchange.

Isn't that right, sir? I want to see you superior.

I demand that you contact the embassy immediately. All in good time, madam.

God's sake, what were you thinking of?

Are you sick? Is that it?

Are you suffering from...

If I could just put this matter into some kind of... I've had them all on to

Perspective. The yard, the home office.

What are we doing arresting Russian nationals?

What do I tell them?

That on what appears to be no evidence whatsoever... Sir, that's not quite

I do not wish to hear it. I don't want to hear it.

This obsession you've got about nicking Arthur Daly is getting totally out of

control, Sergeant. Totally.

A relative of mine of grass. The shame of it. Leave it out, Uncle Arthur. Ain't

no grass.

They didn't tell him about the dodgy watches, did they? Oh, bloody hell. Oi,

oi. Turn it.

No, it's all right, it's all right.

Get out of me. You got a right result just getting out of me, didn't you? A

right result? Yeah. I'd done one and a half grand. I couldn't even claim the

rubles back as mine.

Chisholm took them and gave them to the Ruskies and they've done the offman.

Don't worry about it, Uncle Arthur. I've done them right, haven't I?

Terry, hit him.

You'll enjoy more than I will.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

Bunged them over the side just before they sailed, didn't he?

Shared out something about insulting the memory of 20 million comrades in the

war. Still, at least you got something back out of it, eh, Arthur?

Now you're in the international market, aren't you? I mean, it's bound to be

some punters who want them somewhere.

Yeah, but where?

Bolivia? Argentina?

Paraguay? So it's large vodkas all round then, eh, Arthur? No, it is not, Dave.

All right, Sal?

I do not believe it.

Neither do I.

Sorry, mate. This is members only.

Leave it. I'll come see me Uncle Arthur, ain't I?

Oh, you're joking.

Don't you see the likeness? How many times have I got to tell you? You are no

kith of mine. You are an unrelated oaf. Probably an anonymous donation to a

sperm bank. Now, I'll be.

What sort of thing to say about family, eh? He is not family.

Oh, he really is your nephew then, eh, Arthur? You still here?

Come for me wages, ain't I?

Wages?

Forgot to pay me, Uncle Arthur, didn't you?

I'll pay you all right. Dave, you've got that truncheon you keep behind the bar?

If you're going to get by it, Uncle Arthur, I think you'd better talk to me

first. Your mum?

Lily?

Mummy? Uncle Arthur is down here.

You're winding me up, aren't you? No.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever thought of defecting, Arthur?

Do you think that boat's gone yet?

Your bottle has.

Nazner of you.

Cheers, comrade.

If

you

want to change the situation...

I've got a good idea Just you keep me near

I'll be so good for you I could be so good