All language subtitles for minder_s06e04_arthuris_dead_long_live_arthur

Be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Be so good for

you.

Love you like you want me to.

Terry, tell him, please, not to forget
the paperwork I mentioned.

Yeah, all right.

You ready?

Prepared, Terry, prepared.

Andrew's waiting in the car.

Oh, he said don't forget that paperwork
you mentioned.

Well?

I'm not even going to ask.

In that case, I'll educate you.

Oh, no. The first thing you've got to
remember, Terry, above everything else,

Personal appearance, my son.

Go on then, I'm freezing.

Terry! Terry!

What's that? What's that?

It's Arthur.

Well,

where is he tonight? Lift.

Lift? Yeah.

Oi, you all right, son?

Come on, come on. On your plates. That's
it, that's it.

What happened?

Oh, it's Beth you shouldn't know.

Where is that?

Another drink, Dave, please. Not
conversation.

You can always appeal again, can't you?

Oh, no.

No, this is it.

Ruined. Financial catastrophe. You are
fired.

Oh, thank you. Do you know, I do my
best. But every time there has to be a

little tax, I'm fired. A little tax?

20 grand immediately or I'm nicked. Oh,
come on. I don't know what you're going

on about.

It's the first time that you've had to
pay more than the pittance in the last

five years that I know of. Ten. Yeah,
you must have done three times what

going to pay him. Five.

You know, as an accountant, Andrew, you
make a very good assassin.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish I had half of what I've saved you
over the years.

Can't have helped much. You've got an
interest on her.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Turn up in a Savile Row whistle, gold
kettle on me wrist, silk shirt and

from Germing Street, pair of handmade St
Louis, and then persuade a man I'm a

pauper? Arthur, they're not mugs, these
people, you know. I mean, they get

merchants like you in every day with
stories like that, don't they?

Look, they've got to have some idea of
your income, right?

So they can start immediately that
you're a wrong -un who's trying to make

he's a dosser. I mean, stupid they are
not.

It has worked before.

But that is before Humphrey Greystone.

Up for you. A direct descendant of that
Spanish Inquisition mob, aren't they?

Well,

the man is a zealot.

I've had these things with him before
for other clients.

Horror stories, I could tell you. He
does not believe your sincerity to pay

until you go bankrupt. Not that word,
please.

Yeah, but why has he suddenly got
lumbered with this Humphrey geezer?

Humphrey geezer is about to retire, and
he's taken it upon himself to leave the

inland revenue with his image intact.

What image?

As a tenacious and rapacious hunter of
tax evaders. Of hoiders.

Hoiders. Her indoors ain't going to be
too happy about getting rid of all the

jewellery and furs, eh? I don't want to
add to your troubles, Arthur, but there

have been a couple of phone calls.

The sound hand said he wants a grand,
you owe him, for goods various.

This is not the best of timing, Dave.

Ready to fly?

He needs payment for two motors you had
off him last week. It's cruel.

It's cruel.

There's only one way out of this
problem, Arthur.

What's that?

Chop yourself.

I don't know what you're laughing for.

You can't be serious.

I'm deadly serious, with the emphasis on
the dead.

Chop yourself? You?

No, Dave's quite right.

It's the only way.

Arthur, it's ridiculous.

We'll see.

No, you've got to be on a wind -up,
haven't you?

What do you think, eh?

More chance of being struck by
lightning.

Mind you, he did go up to Samaritans,
you know.

You joking? No.

They hung up on him.

Sounds about right.

Hotel.

Oh, Freddie.

Off for a boat, is he?

Off? No, no. I don't know where he is,
mate.

Might try the mortuary.

Yeah. Or the river.

It's difficult, isn't it? It's a...
Pardon?

Choosing the appropriate... Oh, well,
yes, as a matter of fact... A loved one,

was it?

Loved one?

Oh, yes, I suppose he has been very
close to me.

All my life.

Very close.

Relative? Yes, it is, isn't it?

Yes.

Yes, indeed.

May one ask... Is the departed to be
interred or cremated, sir?

Oh, that's difficult to answer, because
he hasn't decided yet.

I see, he's not yet.

May one inquire how long? Or the usual
length, six feet should do it.

Perhaps I should just show you our
brochure. No, no, no, that won't be

necessary. What I was wondering was, say
there were no remains, so to speak,

is there a procedure whereby one has to
purchase a thingy to

authenticate the fact that... No, I
don't think I'm making myself clear, am

If it's all right with you, sir, I'll
just get the senior partner.

He's very understanding about pre
-bereavement shock.

No, I don't know where he is, no.

No, I haven't seen him myself for a
couple of days.

Well, send him a bill. It's nothing to
do with me.

No, I don't know where he lives, all
right?

You can send Mr Daly in now, Manny.

Ah, Mr Daly, nice to see you again.

Nice to see you.

All right, Harvey?

Well, as well as could be expected under
the circumstances, Mr Muir.

The strength of commercial pressure
takes its toll, you know. Oh, yes, yes,

does indeed.

But no problem with the forces of law
and order this time, I hope?

No, no, no, not exactly.

No, it's more of a personal matter.

Uh -huh.

There is a time in the affairs of man
when, if taken at the flood...

You know, what I'm trying to say is the
tide is out.

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you. The
fact is, I am here to make my last will

and testament.

Oh, I see.

Nothing... I mean, I trust it isn't any
physical problem that has decided you on

this? No, no, no.

It's more your mental condition.

Why do I have to be here, eh?

Friendship, Terry.

Friendship and, I would hope,
understanding.

You've got to be mental if you think
this is going to solve your problems.

Terry, please.

Look, dying is a serious business.

And as a personal favourite to me, I
would like you to treat the subject with

some respect.

If not for me, for those who are going
to be left behind.

Well, I'm sure your creditors will be
deeply moved by your departure.

Oh, that's another thing. I'm relying on
you to pick up any monies outstanding

to me when I'm gone and make sure Ernie
Dawes cops it.

Am I listening to this?

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Terry.

It tolls for the independent
entrepreneur.

Forced across the Stygian Ferry by the
evil conglomerates of bureaucracy.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

To select a point of departure.

Somewhere symbolic.

Dignified. You?

Where more poignant than the roof of the
Inland Revenue.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh, no, I do not like the idea of that,
Terry.

I could change my mind halfway down and
then what would happen?

You're not going down, are you? No,
you're right. I'm being driven.

Oh, do we have to go through all this
codswallop? Look, look, Terence.

It's a time like this a man needs to
take stock of his life.

Has it been meaningful?

Has it been worthy?

Has it been honest in a world bent on
greed and corruption?

Honest? You?

I like to think it has. Do what? Will
it?

Will it?

And I'm sure I'm right to answer in the
affirmative.

Will it leave some...

Small, honourable mark on a wall of
time.

Oh, no, I'd rather leave a big
honourable mark all over the pavement.

I guess you wouldn't understand.

You never had to struggle to get a crust
on the black market with bombs falling

all round.

Oh, that again.

You've always been cosseted too much.

You'd have someone else look after your
welfare.

Someone like me.

You? I did bird down to you.

That's right. Taunt me with that.

Talk to me about that, never mind all
the handouts I gave you.

Girl abuse.

Bury the obnail.

Go on, jump.

Terry!

You see, Terry, when you've grafted hard
all your life trying to tuck away a

modest little nest egg to protect
yourself against the ravages of

the infirmities of senior citizenship...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. ..and all that

against yods, dependents, thieves,
charlatans, well, naturally you feel a

outrage when that... Nest egg is
seriously looted by the inland revenue.

Just to pay for nuclear warheads and
junkets for MPs.

Arthur, the tax ran only after 20 grand.
Only? Only 20 grand?

Like a Rockefeller. No, Terry, that 20
large ones is just the start. They mean

to pauperise me.

Even if I ended up sleeping on the
embankment, they'd come and nick the

newspapers off me back.

Oh, there comes a time when a man has
got to make a stand.

Is this the main line?

I think so, yeah.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Killed me.

I thought that was the idea.

Not like that.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

Perfect. Perfect.

God give me strength.

Thank you.

There you are, my dear. Paid for by the
gentleman over there at the bar.

Hello, Freddie.

Hey, you seen Harper about, don't you?
You are far from the first person to ask

me that question, and he answers it now.

You know where he lives, don't you? I'm
afraid not. I don't think anybody knows

where Harper lives.

Terry must.

I haven't seen much of him lately,
either.

Are you buying?

No. Then you're buying.

Ours has been a rewarding friendship,
Terence. I have never let you down, you

know that.

Of course I do, Arthur. Well, I hope you
remember it in the days to follow, and

do everything I've asked you to.

And that is the last request of a man
about to take that step, well, more of a

plunge, in order to shake off the
shackles of this mortal coil, so to

into that great dark unknown alone.

Totally alone.

I'm just stunned.

I never thought for a second he'd
actually do it.

I wish it was me that owed him money.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, it's bleeding lovely, isn't it?
What?

The man's only been brown bread three
minutes and all you can worry about is

poxy dough he owed you.

Don't get me wrong, Till.

Harper would be the first to understand
there's no sentiment in business.

I don't know. I'm feeling very
sentimental about that number of ways he

And me about the monkey I had coming.

Well, I for one don't give a damn about
the slate he hasn't settled up with me.

I shall miss Arthur and all his little
strokes.

Yeah, he was a one -off, all right. I
mean, and when you think about it, we're

all going to be better off. I mean, in
the long run, we're all going to end up

saving money, aren't we? You've got to
give the man credit for that.

Best drink to Arthur.

To Arthur.

This is on Arthur's slate, isn't it,
Dave?

Let's have a little respect, young man.

Oh, Mr Chisholm.

If only the devil could cast his net,
eh, Jones?

I go.

What is it?

You all look like you've bought
something off Arthur Daly.

It's Arthur Daly who has bought him
schism. How's that?

Arthur is no longer with us.

What?

Hasn't been nicked on some other manner,
has he?

He's dead, you...

Suicide note.

I, Arthur Edward Daly, being of sound if
tormented mind, having been persecuted

by this penal tax system that punishes
the honest entrepreneur, harassed

unjustly by certain police officers, if
this gesture can help the cause of the

persecuted... Mike McCann, where is he?

Do you have trouble reading or
something? The only thing I believe in

is the date. Now, where is he and what's
he up to?

It says here, girl, that no body's been
discovered as yet.

Oh, really?

Jones!

You do realise, I hope, Mr Beadle, that
technically you have committed an

offence?

Really? In what way?

You shouldn't have touched this letter!

Let alone read and publish, Sain.

For we, the proper authorities, have
decided it would not jeopardise any

investigation. Investigation? To the
circumstances of this so -called

Police were informed.

After you copied the letter.

Are you telling me that you suspect foul
play, Sergeant?

I'm not telling you anything, Mr.
Beadle.

Except that where Arthur Daly is
concerned, everything is what it seems

Very suspect.

Sergeant Chisholm.

You wouldn't happen to be one of the
police officers Mr. Daly referred to in

that suicide note, would you?

There you go.

John. Call me John. All right, John.

And you are?

Dave. Well, Dave, as I was saying,
there's a really good human interest

here. You know, something that the
public can sympathise with.

Big brother's indifference to the little
man, that sort of thing.

Arthur didn't have a big brother.

The state.

Bureaucracy. All right, yeah.

Mrs Daly was very helpful. She put me on
to you.

But she wasn't very informative about
your friend. I imagine she's still in

shock, poor woman.

We all are. But if you'd have known
Arthur, you'd realise what unbelievable

pressure he must have been under to do
what he did.

Exactly, Dave. Exactly. And that's why
this angle, aspect, needs publicly

airing. Your late friend made the
ultimate sacrifice. He deserves that at

The ultimate sacrifice.

You're right.

So, er...

Any background you can give me.

Well, you were a bit... A bit what?

Well, not exactly sympathetic like, you
know. The woman is Arthur Daly's wife.

Has been for a number of years.

You seriously think she isn't part of
the conspiracy?

What conspiracies, I think?

Keep it up, Jones.

Keep it up.

A what? A memorial collection?

For Arthur? Yeah, I thought we could
donate the dough to his favourite

What was that, then? The Royal
Association for Retired Entrepreneurs. R

-E. Rare.

It's been rare. It don't exist.

It does. I've often heard Arthur talk
about it.

Well, all right, then. We could club
together and buy him an headstone.

With no body to stick under it.

Well, a small monument, then. I don't
know. Say... Say a bust of Arthur with

hat on and a cigar jammed in his mouth
and a few suitable words ramped

underneath. You know, like Arthur Daly,
king of the duckers and divers.

Are you mugging me?

Of course not, I'm serious.

Quite a few of the chaps have already
promised to put in.

Who's going to contribute?

Well, I'll tell you what, who's doing
the collecting then?

Well, I don't mind, unless you want to
do it. Me? No, no, no, I've got too much

to sort out here.

Well, then?

Well, then what?

Well, how much do you want to put in the
pot?

Oh, well, how much is everyone else
putting in? A couple of nifties, the odd

pony.

Well, hold on.

There you go.

A tenner?

Yeah, well, you was closer to half of it
than anybody.

And that's all I've got.

All right, mate. No -one wants you to
skint yourself.

Listen, if that don't end up where it's
supposed to, I'm going to break your

legs, you know that, don't you?

Oh, look at that. Of course it will.

Here, how come you're taking the prices
off?

Her indoors asked me to.

I was just inquiring how you found
luncheon, Mr. Black.

Oh, quite easily, Mrs. Mount. It was
placed on the table in front of me.

Oh, very witty, Mr.

Black. In accord with you being a
writer.

Oh, it must be fascinating.

Yes, yes, it does have a certain je ne
crois pas. Oh, sorry.

Bilingual.

Might one inquire exactly what it is one
writes, Mr. Black?

Words, you know.

Novels? Yeah, them and all.

Goodness me. You must excuse me. I have
to get back to the muse.

Fascinating.

You bastard. You're no good, boss.

I just should have known you... How
could you do this, eh?

I mean, have me believe in it.

I should have known, of course.

You wait till I get hold of you. That's
all. You just wait. Listen, instead of

this torrent of verbal abuse, I would
have thought a note of joyous surprise

would have been more in order.

Dismay, dignity, and stoic forbearance
in this, your tragic loss.

I mean, if you were convinced, everyone
else would be, wouldn't they?

Convinced? I... Listen, do you know
something?

We had a wake for you at a Winchester,
didn't we?

A wake?

Did you really?

Tell me, Terry, who was at this wake?
Have you read the papers?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not worried about that.

Tax inspectors read papers. Nice little
convincer, wasn't he?

Arthur, don't talk directly at me.

Pretend to be reading your paper. I am
reading my newspaper.

But what is all this, eh?

I mean, why can't we meet in a pub or
something?

You look like Groucho Marx. Shh, Terry.

I'm trying to be incognito. Don't
nauseate.

I could be recognised, rabbiting with
you.

Disguise or no disguise. Oh, my God.

Do you see the way she looked at me as
if she knew me?

Arthur, if you insist on behaving like
one of the ten most wanted, everyone's

going to have a second look, aren't
they?

What do you mean, Groucho Marx?

You know, Sidney, I imagine a really
keen police officer could find almost

anything he wanted to amongst all this
stuff.

Is that a threat, Mr Chisholm?

Let's just call it an observation for
now, shall we?

And I'm saying if I was pulled a stroke
like you're suggesting to get out of

paying me my wedge, you'll be among the
first to know.

Come on, Jones.

Justine's doing that for me?

Oh, that's nice.

You certainly find out who your friends
are when you're dead, Terry.

Yeah, well, when you come back to the
land of the living, I want my 25 quid

back. No, no, no. Come to think of it, I
want it back now.

And my out -of -pocket expenses.

Well, I can't deny I'm not a little hurt
that you consider my memory worth only

a mere pony.

How much has he collected so far?

Yes, of course, Mr. Daly. I'll be only
pleased to help in any way I can.

Well, we all have to go on living, don't
we?

She asked me to take the prices off all
the motors and make sure she had all the

MOTs and logbooks. Aye. Oh, yeah, and
any relevant account or bits of paper

have got anything to do with running the
car lot. Yeah, well, why would she do

that? I don't know. I could hardly ask
her, could I?

Maybe she's selling up.

Selling up my car lot?

Well, if you hadn't stuck her name down
for so many things to dodge paying

taxes, she couldn't do it, could she?
That is not the point. I've only been

a week.

What difference does that make? What
difference?

It's indecent ace. That's what it is.

She couldn't. She wouldn't. She must be
suffering from the most terrible shock.

Look, I want you to go and see her and
find out what she's up to.

Oh, all right, yeah. I'll give her your
regards while I'm at it, shall I? Yeah.

No, don't be silly. How can you do that?

Exactly. It's none of my bleeding
business, is it? And she'll be the first

to tell me.

And I don't understand why you can't let
her in on what's happening. I'd love

to, Terry, but I dare. The slightest bit
of aggro from Plod or the tax people

and she'd crack up and give the game
away.

I mean, she's a good woman, but she's,
you know, not very bright up here.

Oh, but she's your wife, for God's sake.
And you're conning her into thinking

you're dead.

Yeah, I know. It's dreadful that she
should have to endure this terrible

of loss.

And that also applies to my other
friends who loved and respected me.

they're definitely feeling a sense of
loss, they are. I tell you what, I tell

you what. Get hold of my accountant,
Andrew, a bit cunning.

He'll know what's going on.

I don't want my death to ruin my living.

Terry, look, I know that you and Arthur
were muckers.

Well, friends, mates, chums, close.

But I have to ask you, what business is
it of yours?

Yeah, well, we're also sort of partners,
you know. I was just wondering. Yeah,

but no disrespect intended.

I mean, in a business sense, you were
never really Arthur's partner.

All I want to know is whether her
endorse is selling the car lot.

Oh, yes. Now, Terry, um... Terry, let me
ask you something. Now, do you know

what is meant by breach of confidence?

Well, yeah, but, I mean, this has got
nothing to do with that. Good, good. I'm

so glad. Because you will appreciate
that I'm a professional man and I have

work within a professional code of
ethics.

Please. Thank you.

Terry, do you want me to put myself on
offer?

Eh? Oh, no, sorry.

I mean, place myself within the frame.

Do what?

Look, do you want me to ruin my
reputation by imparting privileged

No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Look, you
are Arthur's accountant, right?

No, no, no, no. Was Arthur's accountant.

Was.

Now I'm handing the account... For his
widow.

I'm sure Arthur, God rest his soul,
would want it that way.

Now, as an honourable man, what can I
do?

Yeah, well, if you think about it, I
mean, what difference is it going to

if I know or not, eh?

None at all.

Say, why are you asking?

I just want what Arthur owes me. It's
only right.

Well, you're going to have to wait until
he estates himself then, aren't you?

Part of which is this lot, right?

which can't be touched until the court
or whoever decides what goes where. So

I'll take a bit of gear in lieu, if you
fridges are telling yous to know.

Me?

I'm warning you, Tel. If you and Arthur
are doing all this just to try and

not... Look, I'm never surprised you
said all right.

Mr Blair?

You're in occupation.

I'm so sorry, I did knock and call. I
just wanted to check that Maida tidied

room. Yes, yes, it's all very nice,
thank you.

Oh, you're creating.

Fascinating. Just a few rough notes. For
your new novel?

It must be.

Do you normally use hotel stationery
to... Yes, yes.

I expect you'll think that I'm terribly
inquisitive, but I wonder if I might

just have... Oh, no, no. It is very
rough, and I do have to do a lot of

polishing. Oh.

I'd consider it... consider it a deep
privilege to be allowed to see how a

professional writer works. Oh.

I do a bit myself, actually.

Oh, really?

Poetry. Oh.

I don't know if it's any good, of
course.

Perhaps I could persuade you to give me
an opinion.

Oh, well, yes, yes.

Oh, would you?

That would be wonderful.

You're so kind.

May I?

Well, yes, why not?

As a matter of fact, read it out aloud.

Aloud? Yes. It helps us in the trade to
get what we call the rhythm

of the nuances.

Oh. If you follow my meaning.

Yes, it is, it is.

In memory of our dearest friend and
benefactor, whose tragic and untimely

has left her indoors and his many, many
friends bereft, distraught

and burdened forever with grief.

May those who persecuted this noble and
unselfish man not go unpunished for

taking diabolical liberty.

Oh, it's an obituary.

Oh, no, no, no. It's more your in
memoriam.

It's a tragic postscript to one of the
characters in my book.

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

I don't see anything.

Well, I think that leaves only a few
minor details to be settled with regard

the rest of the properties.

We do what we can, Mr Bion. Indeed.

I'm sure Mr. Daly would have been the
first to say that everyone must do what

one can to help those left behind.

Absolutely, Mr. Muir, absolutely.

Incidentally, have you seen today's
paper? No.

Oh, OK.

Paper two.

Don't you think you've gone a bit
strong, have you? Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. I mean, this bit about...

Arthur being an honest businessman who
would always do someone a good turn

before he did them a bad one.

Well, it depends how you read that, eh?

Anyway, watch it, man, I'm not
exaggerating a bit.

Arthur was a lot less dodgy than most of
us gets in here.

And why run the man down now he's a
goner?

That's terrific, isn't it? What's that?

Yeah, look.

When asked about Mr Daly's posthumous
allegations, Detective Sergeant Albert

Chisholm, a local police officer,
declined to comment.

Oh, dear old law.

You'll be wearing a beard and a cloak
next. You seen the papers?

Who hasn't?

Where'd they get that picture of me?

I know, I know. I didn't give it to
them. See, you thought I was over the

with the bins and the tash, didn't you?
But I was quite right to take the

cordons, as usual.

As usual. Of course you were, Arthur.

When we're exposed like this, call me Mr
Black.

Mugshot in the media. God, where would I
be now?

Oh, incidentally, Mr Black, her indoors
has been asking about the car.

Oh? Why?

You borrowed it off the lot, didn't you?
So?

So she's got a logbook and no motor. She
thought it'd been nicked. She hasn't

reported it as stolen, has she? No, no,
no. I told her that I thought you'd put

it in for repair somewhere. Before you,
uh... Well, get it. Come on. I want to

know what's been happening.

Pieces you've been doing on the suicide.
Very good.

Thanks.

Competition's latching onto it.

Yeah. I'd noticed.

This could become a runner.

Even an issue.

But I want the edge.

You can get some sort of statement from
this.

Tax inspector, what's his name? Humphrey
Greystone.

Yeah, that's it.

Where do our sympathies lie with this?

Well, I don't imagine many of our
readers enjoy paying taxes.

I'm not sure that this daily character's
not a material.

It can be whatever we want to make him.

Nine day wonder, Terence. Nothing to get
in a flap about.

Who's in a flap?

I mean, it's 2 ,000 years since someone
came back from the dead, isn't it?

I mean, we're well overdue for another
one. Yeah, I must say, I'm not all that

thrilled having my boat on offer.

But you see, tomorrow, I'll be
yesterday's news.

And meanwhile, at the tax office, my
file will be shelved under defunct,

deceased, done for.

Arthur, I'm beginning to think you
really have gone loopy.

What do you think Chisholm's going to do
when you suddenly turn back up on the

manor? What can he do?

What about conspiracy to deceive, for
instance? Yeah, he's got to prove it.

No, I've got a plan.

An overall strategy.

Yeah. So did Hitler.

And he had a real moustache.

Come on, then, what is it?

No, no, it's all in the development
stage at the moment.

Like your brain?

There's nothing wrong with my brain,
Terence. I didn't get where I am today

being... What's his name?

Yeah, come on, tell us, what did you
find out about the car lot?

And, uh, how's my memorial collection
going?

I ain't putting no tenner into no
memorial farm for Arthur. It's his lot,

she'll be giving me money.

Right, I'll remember that, Sid, when
they come round collecting for you.

Yeah, yeah. Do you want my opinion? I
think it's a load of old cobblers. I

Harper's about as dead as you are. Come
on, Justin.

Sid's got a point, hasn't he? I mean,
Harper's leaping in the river like that.

It's got to be hard to believe, hasn't
it? You've had chisels and bends in your

ear as well, ain't you? Ain't we all?

Well, I believe it, Justin.

And there's a score towards it. Nice
one, Freddy. Well, that's a couple of

motors when it comes to friendship.

But the man is my accountant.

Was your accountant, which he made a
point of emphasising.

I smell treachery, Terry.

Treachery and deceit. Funny that. I
didn't know ghosts had a sense of smell.

You made a vow to me on my dying day
that you'd look out for my interests.

was a sacred oath.

And I want you to find out what's going
on. Mark, will you get it into that

thick head of yours? There's nothing I
can do.

I want you to bung that in the Times in
Memoriam column.

You're kidding, aren't you? No.

All the top civil servants read the
Times death columns so they know how to

for promotion.

Well? What do you think?

This noble and unselfish man.

Credibility, Terry. That is the name of
the game.

Whose tragic

and untimely death has left her indoors.

Now, her indoors.

And then when Harold, that was my
husband, passed over, I decided to sell

big house and have this part of the
hotel converted into my own private

quarters. Very sensible.

Now, where did I put it? Oh, there they
are.

I call them poems from the heart.

Oh, strong stuff.

Your patience, strong stuff.

Well, shall we sit down while you read
them, Mr Black?

Oh, yes.

It does seem so silly to keep calling
you Mr Black when we're so, well,

a common interest, you might say.

What does the G stand for?

Oh, sorry.

G Black, your Christian name. Oh, yes,
Graham Black.

Graham Black.

Yes, it does have a sort of literary
ring to it, doesn't it? Yes, yes, it

yes. I expect you'll think I'm very
ignorant, Graham.

Not at all, Mrs Mount.

Do call me Daphne.

Daphne. Only, is that the name you write
under? Because I don't seem to have...

Not that I get a lot of time for
reading. No, that is perfectly

Daphne. You see, I write under what we
call nom de plumages.

Colours, mostly.

Black, white.

Juice. Green.

Green? Oh, you're Graham Green.

No, no, no, I ain't got E on the end.

You were right, though.

It's got to be a right dummy to believe
that. I don't see why.

Come on.

It's a lovely place for a meet, this,
isn't it? Well, what do you expect with

boat all over the front pages?

Oxford Circus?

But it was you who said don't get in a
flat, wasn't it?

It was you who said nine -day wonder.
All right, all right. Can I help it if I

modestly underestimated the attention my
tragic demise would attract?

That's nothing to the attention your
reincarnation's going to attract, is it?

All right, all right, all right. The
trauma of my own death caused the odd

of judgement.

But what could I do?

I mean, the die has been burnt, the
bridge has been cast.

Anyway, it may be dodgy, but it's not
totally out of control.

You could have fooled me. No, no, I can
see it still has its advantages.

In no way...

Can my passing be ignored by the
horrible Humphrey Greystone?

No. And in no way can your reappearance
be ignored by Chief of Charlie Chisholm.

Sergeant Chisholm. Sergeant.

Can you confirm or deny the allegation?

Who are one of the officers involved in
harassing Mr Lee? Well, of course, we're

holding their own internal inquiry.

The lock -up for sale?

My goods and chattels? That's what it
looks like, yeah.

When?

Next week.

Terry, what is going on?

I don't know. Look, all I know is what I
hear and what I hear, and it ain't

much, I tell you.

I don't think I feel very well.

Well, own up. I mean, whoever heard of a
corpse feeling too lively, eh? No, no,

no, Terry, please. Not at a time like
this.

Now, we're talking about timing. I think
there's something else you ought to

know. What's something else?

Well, Dave told me that Joe, you know
that estate agent who gets in the

Yeah, yeah. Told him.

Told him what?

It's probably not right, but it's, um...
Well, it's about your flat.

My flat?

Yeah, you see, um... This other mate of
Joe's who's an estate agent as well, he

told him that he heard, you know, that,
um...

Her indoors have put it up for sale.

My home?

Yeah, and she's been making inquiries
about retirement villas in Spain.

Ah, there you are, Gap.

Sergeant Brightcott suggested I throw
you this. Said it might amuse you.

Show me what?

A death column.

There's one there for Arthur Daly.

Gave me the impression he was being a
bit sarcastic, you know.

Sergeant Ray Cutter, you mean, of
course.

Oh, and the Sioux powers, the Sioux.

Something about making a statement to
the press?

I want it stopped, Terry, and you're the
one who's going to have to do it.

Me? Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? Put a court
order on anybody who knows, eh? In your

name? They all think you're dead.

Yeah, but they haven't found a body,
have they? There hasn't been an inquest.

And one thing you can do right away...

Get hold of Justine and a van and shift
all the stuff out of the lock -up round

to his place.

Justine, are you kidding?

He'll sell it quicker than the
auctioneer. Listen, a man who is

caring enough to get up a collection in
my memory is a man to be trusted, Terry.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, the next time we meet, it better
be in the hotel room.

I'd better stay well tucked out of the
way for now.

If you get pulled by that poetess
telling you from a publisher, come to

a manuscript, all right? I'll be in my
room.

That'd be the nice one with the rubber
walls, wouldn't it?

Hold on, Sid.

What? I don't know about this, you know.

You don't really believe Arthur's dead,
do you?

Oh, no.

You could have it right, Sid. I mean,
dead or not, this still comes down to

breaking and entering. So how else are
we to get out of that, eh?

Eh?

Get on with it.

On with it.

Oh, there you are, Graham.

Oh. Of course I heard you come in.

There's something I'd like to discuss
with you. Oh, well, I'm rather busy at

moment. Have you been reading the
newspapers recently?

Newspapers? Yes, there's been this story
about some man who's committed suicide

due to harassment from the police and
the inland revenue.

I only mention it because there's a
picture of him. I don't know why, but

some reason he does remind me of you.

Me? Yes, there's a certain similarity
about the face.

wouldn't you say?

I see what you mean.

A sort of double ganger.

Who would have thought it?

Well, I certainly wouldn't, Graham.

Or should I call you Arthur?

I'm not a vindictive woman, even though
you did try to make a fool of me with

all that stuff about being a writer.

Oh, no, I really did like the limericks.

Very good.

As I was saying, I am not a vindictive
woman, and I don't like paying my taxes

any more than anybody else.

But I do have my pride, upon which I put
rather a high price.

I'm sure you understand.

Perhaps you'd like a little time to
think it over.

Shall we stay later this afternoon?

I think it's enough, don't you?

We are storming it a bit.

Don't tell me. Tell him.

Oi, you two, come and have a bushes at
this.

Well, I'm sorry, mate, I'm not
interested.

But why not?

Dave here tells me you were closer to
Arthur than most.

Yeah, and Dave should know better than
sticking my name up to reporters. Sorry,

Joe, I didn't think you'd mind. I mean,
he is sort of putting Arthur aside,

isn't he? No, that's great, that's
terrific.

But I don't want my name and my face all
over the front pages, thank you very

much. Now, you do what you've got to do,
but leave me out, all right? Listen,

Terry, I understand how you feel. I've
been a reporter a long time, and I'm not

stupid. And I've done my research on
Arthur, so...

The man was a bit of a scallywag.

But then we all have to be in this day
and age to survive.

And there's a positive side to what I'm
doing.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Listen, I know we can be a bit party,
Dan, but we're also a major influence in

stopping those who govern us from
getting too complacent or dictatorial.

well, it suits you, yeah.

Sure. But in this case, a certain tax
inspector, a one Humphrey Greystone,

not be retiring prematurely, and reading
between the lines, that means

resigning, if it wasn't for us.

I haven't read that. No, you won't for a
few days. It's not official yet.

Terry, phone.

It seems his master, the none -too
-pleased with the embarrassing and

publicity, has brought to the
department.

Here you go.

Hello.

Terry.

It's me.

Andrew.

Yes, I'm at Arthur's lock -up.

There's been a break -in. There's quite
a lot of stuff missing.

Well, what are you doing here, anyway?

I'm round the air, because I came to
check the inventory I asked you to make

Yeah, for a sale you didn't tell me
about.

I just do as my client instructs me to.
The thing is, I've called the police.

You did what?

Yeah, well, they are here now, and I
think they want to talk to you about it.

Well, I don't want to talk to them.

He's a bit reluctant.

Can this Detective Sergeant Chisholm I
want to talk to you here or at the nick?

The choice is yours.

Well, how about it, Terry?

Sorry, mate, I've got a deadline to
meet. I'll see you later, Dave.

So, all right, I took a bit of gear in
lieu of payment. I only nicked back what

was mine in the first place. You took a
bleeding liberty, Sid, and you know it.

Well, I don't think so.

Don't you?

Well, Chisholm thinks it's down to me. I
should have known it was you, useless

leg. Ron and Albert had their bit, too.

And it ain't me, useless leg.

Arthur ain't dead.

You know, and now we know it.

Oh, yeah? What's that supposed to mean,
then, that? It means you shouldn't have

left little notes in Hotel Stationery in
Arthur's lock -up.

Arthur screwed us, and we screwed him.
Did he?

Arthur, it's me, Terry.

Oh, thank God you're here, Terry. Come
in, I've got a problem.

Listen, you know the bird who owns this
place, the one I told you about? She

touched me out.

She's not the only one. I think she's
going to try and put the black on me.

I'm going to do the offman in the hope
that they won't believe I went... What

did you say?

I said she's not the only one.

Sidron and Albert, they know and all.
Oh!

Well, you know that thing you wrote, the
little memorial thing? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I found it in from the lock -up,
didn't I? So?

Well, the fact is, those three flags
only broke into your lock -up and turned

over, didn't they? What?

Yeah, they nicked half your stock, said
you owed it to them. Those dogs!

I want the maimed, Terry.

Yeah, the thing is, you see, they found
some of that Eddie Notepaper, you know,

for the Times, with your little reminder
written underneath.

Well, it don't take a lot to work out,
does it? So they know where I am as

Yeah, well, that never occurred to me
they'd break into the lock -up.

The real problem might be that, uh,
well, I went a bit diddly and I could

spank. Good, good.

Well, what's bad about that?

Supposedly he gets up and he gets on the
chisholm.

Oh, my God.

Terry, don't just stand in there. Come
on, help me get out of here. Come on,

come on, don't panic. I mean... All
right, it's a bit of a slag, but don't

him as a grass. Listen, the man's a
grave robber. He'd stop at nothing. Now,

hold on. Look, if he'd done, Susan would
have been here by now, wouldn't he?

Now, whatever's happened, you've got to
think of a convincing alibi soon.

What do you suggest?

Reincarnation?

Well, listen, from what you say, I mean,
the bird who runs this place, I mean,

she might help, right?

If you, uh...

Not doing it.

Amnesia? Yes, poor man.

And his memory hasn't properly returned
yet.

Has it, my dear?

Sorry?

Naturally, when I read the papers and I
realised, well, I showed them to him.

And it sort of jogged his memory, so to
speak.

Oh, dear, he said to me. Poor old
Charlie Chisholm.

And he seemed most concerned that I
should ring you straight away because of

way the newspapers had so falsely
maligned you.

Is it my face?

My clothes?

The way I walk?

Hmm?

Do I look like an idiot?

You seriously expect me to believe it
wandered in here?

Nothing more than a wet suit.

A total stranger.

And, you know, you simply took him in,
looked after him, without even trying to

contact anyone.

Please don't shout, my residents.

In the first place, I did not know whom
to contact.

And in the second, well, I expect you'll
think I'm very foolish.

But I am a widow, alone, as you see.

And he did seem...

Well, he is a very nice man.

You won't get away with it, Baggy.

You won't.

Do you hear me?

Mr Chisholm?

Is that you?

Oh, thank God.

I've got to hand it to you, Arthur.

You never cease to amaze me.

Nor me. So what did it cost you to
straighten the bird at the hotel?

Oh, she settled for the car I was using.

That all, eh? Nothing else? Yeah, that
is all, Terence.

Which reminds me, I will not forgive you
for trying to con her indoors into

flogging you in my car lot for less than
half its worth. Oh, for you were dead?

I thought I was doing her a favour.

I knew the poor woman would probably
need some money on the hurry up, so I

her the best offer I could.

I'll be a friend. I even put in the
collection, didn't I, Justin?

That's right, Arthur, you did. And what
has become of this collection of mine?

I had a bus made up of you.

You did?

Yeah, Dave's got it. Why don't you show
him, eh?

You sure? Yeah, come on, Dave, let's see
it. Well, it's just that I can't find a

suitable place to put it, you know.

There you go.

I knew you'd like it, Arthur.

Bird, I know, goes evening classes down
the art college. She made it up from a

photo of you out of paper.

You've parted with my memorial
collection for that?

Yeah, well, actually, she's reckoned a
bit tasty at the old sculpturing game.

Well, I mean, you can see, can't you?

Oh, and there's still the inscription's
got to go underneath.

Tell Fultow, didn't you tell? And what
did you deem appropriate?

Arthur Daly.

He dealt.

He diddled.

He died.

If you want to I'll change the
situation.

Just the wrong location I've got a

good idea If you keep me near I'll be so
good

for you I could be so good for you