Original subtitles

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

CHOIR SINGS

Mr.

McTaggart? Mr.

McTaggart?

ever do that.

Mr. McTaggart.

What's it to you?

Diaries and I.

Arthur Diary.

You've got the point, man.

Daily.

Arthur. Aye. That's right.

Nice to meet you, Arthur.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

Mr. McTaggart.

Joseph.

Joseph. I see you're...

Devo, do you find music, Joseph?

You can't beat a nice bit of opera, can you?

That was Lieder.

Schubert, Lieder.

Oh, there you've got me.

That is one opera I've not got around to seeing yet.

There's a bit of a problem with the calculator, that.

You haven't made me risk life and limb up them stairs. Keep the heed. I've got

something here that'll interest you a lot more than a pile of poxy

Just in me and all.

Look at her go, look, look.

Thought it would be breathalysed.

Is that your lunch?

Yeah, I thought, you know, I thought I'd make a change from shepherd's pie down

to local.

And you think that's going to taste any better?

You never know, it might. I mean, it's Italian, isn't it?

It's about as Italian as a can of spaghetti.

Look at it, it's absolutely crammed full of preservatives.

Yeah, but at least they're Italian preservatives.

I know a nice little Italian restaurant.

You think I'm being picked up?

Don't count me.

Believe me, Arthur, you've made the right decision.

I'm only taking the goods on approval. No contract of sale as has yet been

agreed. Fair enough.

You'll go for it, though. Going things are magic.

Transform your life.

You'd have bet that the price you're asking.

There you go, Arthur.

Mr. Daly to you, sonny. Up your nose.

Let me see why they built Hadrian's Wall.

Oi, oi, what's going on?

Base station.

We'll need a base station, Arthur. You never mentioned that in our

There's nothing to it. It's just a wee booster and a couple of wires that

continue forward.

Young Ozzie there will fix it up for you in five minutes, no bother. Does it

have to be him?

On you go, Arthur.

Very groovy, Arthur.

We've had to put it down.

Belt up.

Clunk, clunk, everything to death, eh?

And so after eight years at school, I then had to spend two incredibly boring

years at finishing school in Switzerland.

See, on the piece we wrote, eh?

Yes, but don't blame me. It was my father who insisted.

Mind you, it almost bankrupted him in the end.

Oh, do you work for a living now?

Yes, yes, but a publisher.

They pay me a pittance, but it's quite interesting work.

It's a pity I'm busy this afternoon.

Yeah, well, I mean, I could always get in touch with you again. I mean, if

like, you know.

I'd really like that.

Well, why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a ring tomorrow or

something? Why don't I ring you?

Oh.

Look, if you don't want to see me again, it's all right, you know. No, no, I

said I'd ring you.

Now, why don't you order at the Covenant Brandy?

Yeah, uh, excuse me.

There you go, Arthur.

Welcome to the big time.

Yeah, well, you run along now, Sonny. Get back to your pea broth before your

mother starts worrying about you.

No, no, no, nothing important, Dave. Just ringing to let you know my ETA.

Lovely weather for the time of year, isn't it?

I don't know, Arthur. I haven't looked.

Oh, Dave, put me up a large VAT, would you?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

A couple of aspirins as well, if you like.

What's up with him today?

Are you sure I can't give you a lift back to the office or something? No, no

thanks. I'll take the tube.

All right. Bye, sir.

Now positive.

Bye, Terry.

Ta -ra.

There you go, Arthur.

Are you sure you're all right? In the pink, Dave, in the pink.

Well, I never.

If it isn't Arthur Daly.

Sorry? Oh, come, come, come, Arthur. Don't tell me you've forgotten an old

friend.

Granger. Simon Granger. That was a mouse that threw me.

I didn't know you were out.

I've been out for six months, Arthur.

I was quite well behaved.

Well, that must have made a change.

Still gainfully employed in the city?

Afraid not, old boy.

The pin -strike brigades are might narrow -minded when it comes to

Well, you don't look as if you're on your uppers. No, I'm running a little

hire business now. Doing quite nicely, actually.

Upmarket trade.

Executive cars and whatnot.

Are you? Well, let me get you a drink, for old time's sake, Simon. Dave, same

again for Mr Granger.

I told you he is not himself today. I might be able to put a very attractive

business proposition in your way, Simon.

Arthur, now that I am out, I'd...

I'd rather prefer to stay out.

No, no, this is strictly kosher. You have my word.

Well, there you are. I thought that would be £2 .40 altogether.

Yeah, all right. Great. Shall we?

All right.

Sir? Oh!

Oh, look, I've got to tell you. I was at the supermarket. No, no, no.

Confidentially, Terry.

Confidentially. Do take that, Simon.

Do you want a drink, Richard? No, no, no. Just a little more.

All right.

What's up with him? He just said no to a drink.

Arthur is being very strange today.

Lager? Yeah.

Yeah, I just had a decidedly dodgy phone call from him.

Oh, yeah?

Every brief, you know that, was it?

No, no.

Just the whole phone call was sort of pointless.

But I couldn't get him off the line, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I get him all the time. Cheers.

Oh, Arthur Daly here.

I'm phoning from my vehicle.

I'm not speaking from my home. I'm mobile.

Yes, yes, yes, I have the latest car telephone.

Do you have one in your vehicle, Johnny?

I will not obfuscate with you, Joseph. It works like a dream. But 200 songs I

cannot do.

Arthur, have you not grasped that I am offering you the most modern car phone

the market?

Push -button keypad, automatic number repeat.

If you bought one of them in the shops, you wouldn't see much change out of a

grand. And you've still got five left, haven't you? Right, I'll tell you what

I'll do.

I'll take them off your hands for 150 quid each. I can't say fairer than that.

I'm offering you a very high investment profile, yeah? 900.

You're a hard man, Arthur.

Well, I do have a certain reputation in the business world for a bit of plain

talking. Mind you, you'll need to pay someone to wire them in for you. No, no,

no. My young Terence will take care of that.

Don't be daft. It's a highly specialised job.

I'll get young Odie to do it for you.

Oh, God, no. What, you're apprentice moron?

Ex -British telecom engineer.

Ex? What was he doing, a little freelance privatising?

Look, you've offered 900.

Make it the grand and I'll throw in young Aussie free to Wytherman for you.

What do you say?

Come on, pal.

Put it there.

Hello?

Oh, what do you want?

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, mate, I can't today.

Well, I just can't, that's all.

Yeah, all right, yeah, tomorrow. Yeah, if you want, yeah, yeah, all right.

No, you're quite right, Arthur. I've got absolutely no lot.

Salary? What salary?

I'll see you tomorrow, Tal.

Hello.

Oh, no.

Sorry. No, I thought it was someone else.

You can't... Oh, that's great.

No, no, I've fixed it all up. It's all ready.

Smash him.

All right, I'll see you later then.

Yeah, tell her.

Bye.

Ah, hello there, Terry.

She's all ready for you. Where is it, ain't I?

This is it, Terry.

Do what?

Charming little vessel, you know. Full of character.

Full of bleeding holes, more likely.

You promised me a luxury cabin cruiser.

Well...

This is as near luxury as you'll get in this day and age, Terry.

I'll boo you, Cedric. I think you'll find she's very reliable.

That's more not as great as you.

Oi! Well, how'd you start it?

That's it. There you go.

Right hand up.

Right?

Yes.

Starboard. Oh, it's something, isn't it? It's starboard. Oh, that's starboard.

There you go, then.

It's all right for you just sitting there, isn't it?

Straight out in the sea, we're all right. I like what he has to say.

I don't know, Arthur.

A pound's useful, I must admit, but 350 quid, that's a lot of bread.

It's not as if a car telephone's essential to me.

It's more your rich man's toy.

Not essential, Dave. Dave, it's a sine qua non.

You have got to come to terms with the technological age in which we live.

I mean, look, you imagine. You're stuck in traffic jam, rush hour, Hammersmith

Bridge, delay for a very important business meeting, and there is not a non

-vandalised phone to be found for love nor money. What do you do?

Pick up the phone.

Bosh, bosh, bosh.

Hello, this is David here. I am unavoidably delayed due to a traffic

westbound. Kindly hold a meeting pending my arrival.

Instant communication is the essence of the microbiological revolution, Dave.

Leave it out, Arthur. I mean, what important business meetings do I have to

to? There you go again.

Underestimating the important role you play in society.

Dave. Just because you don't frequent the stock exchange frequently does not

mean you are not a vital chip in the great computer of life.

Vital chip in the great computer of life.

You really think so, Arthur?

You know, sometimes I feel as if I'm talking to myself.

I have some very good news for you. Shall we discuss it over a little

To the old tub.

To the old tub. God bless her and all who sail in her.

Here we are.

To the Titanic.

Nice one, yes, all right. To the Titanic.

Do you think we'd better make for shore before it starts piddling?

Oh, God, yeah.

Go on, you drive.

All right.

Madam, just sit back and relax, aren't you? Get us back to shore, love.

You're not going to believe this.

You man the lifeboats and I'll sing a bide with me.

No, I'll keep on drinking and wait for a taxi, I think.

Now, is that or is that not a viable product?

Seems to be satisfactory, Arthur.

You'll have your executives queuing up to do business with you.

I'll get Terry and my engineer round to you tomorrow to wire them in for you.

Yes. Eleven o 'clock tomorrow morning.

Whatever suits you, Simon.

Terry will relieve you of the readies.

May I?

Please, please, go ahead.

What's your markup on the fair going very modest very much?

Splendid well don't let them out before fine

I'll let you know. Morning, Hope.

Terry.

Now, now, Arthur.

Where have you been?

Not available all day yesterday. Phone offered you up this morning. One of

days, you'll push me too far.

Yeah, well, we live in Hope, don't we?

Come on, there's no time for window shopping. I promise, Granger, you and

moron will be over there by 11.

Have you seen this? What?

Prohibited from direct or indirect connection to any telecommunications

run by British Telecommunications.

Action may be taken against anyone so connecting this apparatus.

Aye?

Looks like you've been well -kept with, doesn't it?

I swear, Arthur, you just peel it off.

Mind you, it's illegal to sell a phone that doesn't have a green circle or a

triangle. What are you saying?

Do you not understand English?

He calls that English.

I'll put it in simple words, Arthur.

The law does not allow you to connect a phone unless it's been approved by

British Telecom.

Green circle approved, red triangle not approved.

Yeah, but...

No, no. I mean, your punter's not going to know that, is he? Of course he is.

It's Granger. He's a villain.

Well, in that case, he ain't going to care, is he?

No, but he'll use that knowledge to beat the price down.

Looks like you've got a problem, doesn't it?

No, brother.

Follow me, you big boy.

Now, this one is a bit more expensive, but it does have a lot more features,

to mention a 50 -number memory.

I can offer you this in red or magnolia.

Oh, very nice, very tasteful. Could I have a look at the blue one over there?

This is a more basic model, of course.

Harper!

Well, I think we'll have a further look around before we make a decision, but

you've been most helpful. Very kind.

Arthur.

Sawdust in the gearbox?

Dear, oh dear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I quite agree.

I'll tell Mr Daly as soon as he gets back from holiday.

There you go. Yeah, bye -bye.

I hope it's all here.

Yeah, yeah, paid up like a good 'un.

How did you get someone like Granger to give you the best part of a grand for

two dodgy funds? They are not dodgy, Terence.

Mr Granger recognises a bargain when he sees one.

And you recognise a mudpunter when you see one, don't you? I represent the

spirit of enterprise, Terry.

I'm the kind of businessman who made this country what it is today.

I'll go along with that.

I've got to shoot.

Give us a couple of notes, will you?

Thank you.

I'll see you later, then.

I don't suppose I need ask who you're working for?

Thank you.

Gold.

So, we retain the basic hamburger, right? But we serve it up with piles of

salads, very crisp and fresh.

Okay? Like, um... Like this.

Or... We stress our lean meat policy.

We offer them an alternative to French fries.

Say, um, a spicy rice dish.

And we offer them a wholemeal sesame bun as an optional.

We could call it a health burger.

Say.

Sir Ronald, I really believe this gives us the possibility of enhanced market

penetration.

Sir Ronald, I'm sorry, I tried to tell your daughter that you were in a

conference... I want a word with you.

Get out.

It started again, hasn't it?

The private detective.

Real rough trade this time, isn't it?

Terence McCann, small -time villain.

And you spent last night at McCann's place, didn't you? Yes, I happen to like

him. He's after your money, Sarah.

But he doesn't know about my money.

Why don't you try and patch things up with Rodney?

What's wrong with Rodney?

Well, his name, for a start.

Also, he's a wimp. You marry Rodney, and I'll be willing to make a very generous

settlement. You'd still be very independent. You must be joking.

He's a decent lad.

Good background and all.

You just want me to marry some upper -crust twit so you can see me in Tatler,

don't you? Well, I shan't.

Maybe I'll marry Terry McCann.

Do you think I've grafted my way up from the slums just so that you can go back

to where I started from?

Here we go again.

Listen, don't you understand that I don't give a damn about your glittering

career? Sir Ronald Bates knighted for services to the Hamburger.

Or was it contributions to the Conservative Party?

Do you know how much I spent on your education?

One of the best boarding schools in the country.

Have you any idea how much money I've invested in your future?

Oh, I see. So I'm an investment now, am I?

I never told you how much I spent on your operation, you know.

Your nose job.

Five and a half grand. That cost me five and a half grand. And if it wasn't for

that, you'd still have a hooter like Jimmy Durante and no man in his right

would even look at you.

I'm going now.

Sarah. Sarah, listen.

Terry? Where were you last night? What, trying to get hold of the Scarlet

Pimpernel? Got anything on the keeper of a red Ford Cortina F Foxtrot G Golf V

Victor 952 Romeo? Yankee 2 over.

Yankee 2 from MP.

Message received.

Hang on.

Hang on, he says.

You dropped me right in it, Terry.

I promised her indoors I'd slap up Tandoori at the Golden Sari.

Why, do you want me to come too?

And I... Oh.

No, I did not.

I want you to pick up some dough from another telephone job.

As it was, I had to traipse halfway across London and do it myself.

Yankee two to base, coming.

Thanks to you, the evening was a complete unmitigated.

Yeah. I'll talk to you later.

With Chisholm?

Ah, for Daley. What a nice surprise.

Cold for the time of year, isn't it? It's working, Aganga.

Oh, take it, take it.

Don't give your calls in an abstraction, Daley.

He won't get to wear it on his hat.

We're eating him now, can you repeat?

Do you want a topper? No, no, no, it's lovely.

Nice little dolly's teeth there.

It's a present.

Oh, yeah.

From a young lady.

Mind your own business.

Sorry, Terry.

Sorry I show concern for my personal well -being.

I must be off.

Oh, can I take it you are still available for work? I mean, at your

of course. I wouldn't want to interfere with any of your extraterrestrial

activities. What's up with you?

You must have made a packet out of those bones, eh? Yeah, I did. It was a good

investment. In fact, I'm picking up another half dozen from McTaggart

but if you don't want to involve yourself, you're just safe out, I mean,

know. That's all right.

I don't want to get in trouble.

I'll give you a hand. Don't pull yourself out. Shut up, will you? All

Shut yourself up. Oh, very generous, Terry. Very generous.

Oh, I like your flowers, dear.

Not today, thank you. Hey, steady, steady, steady.

You're in plenty of trouble, Terry McCann. I'm not Terry McCann. Terry,

got the wrong man.

He's in there.

Terry, that's him. You Terry McCann, huh?

Sunshine.

I don't feel awful about it.

I don't either.

It's not your fault your dad lost his bovril, is it?

The thing I don't understand is what was all that stuff about no money and

working in a publisher's? I mean, what was that anyway?

It's just that with most men, when I tell them who I am, it gets... Well, it

gets very complicated.

No, Sarah, it gets complicated when you tell them fairy tales.

That's when it gets complicated.

Yes, you're probably right.

Anyway, I'm not after your money.

I like you.

I like you.

At first I thought it was just going to be a quick, you know... Yes, that's what

I thought at first.

Oh, no!

What is it?

Arthur.

Who's Arthur?

Look, if he starts getting nosy, just ignore him. I'll leave it well out.

Terry, a bit of luck finding you here. Yeah, an amazing stroke of luck, isn't

it? That is looking very nasty.

What was all that rumpus about, anyway?

Ah, it's nothing really. It's a case of mistaken identity.

Oh, I see.

It was my father.

Sarah? My father sent one of his thugs to beat Terry up. You see, he doesn't

approve of my relationship with Terry.

I'm sorry, my dear. Terence hasn't had the courtesy to introduce us.

Sarah, this is Arthur Daly. Arthur Daly, this is Sarah.

Sarah Bates.

Delighted to make your acquaintance, my dear.

And what line of work are you in? She works for a publisher's office.

Publishing?

I don't work.

You don't work. I don't need to work.

My father is Sir Ronald Bates.

Oh, fascinating.

Sir Ronald Bates. Not the Sir Ronald Bates of... Yes, yes, that's right.

burgers. The bigger burger for the bigger appetite.

Quite a little success story there, isn't it?

Yes.

Are you a friend of Terry's?

No, he's not. A colleague.

A colleague, my dear.

And a friend.

Yes, I'm a friend.

Simon, what an unexpected pleasure.

Don't tell me. I know why you're here. Bet you don't. Terry, you want to invest

in another couple of car firms? Half a litten.

You're in luck.

I am just about to send Terry, the young Rob Roy McGregor here, over to cop

another half dozen.

Terry, did you make some tea for Mr Granger? I have just had a courtesy call

from the old Bill, Arthur. They were asking questions about telephones. Oh,

God, you didn't... No, Arthur, I did not mention your name.

They seemed to be under the impression that I might be the proud owner of some

dodgy radio phones.

Fortunately, the two cars were out at the time. I don't understand.

You don't need to understand, old chap. You just need to take back being two

phones.

But these are yours, Simon. You bought them fair and square.

Fair enough, Arthur. I shan't argue.

I shall simply tell the police that I bought them from you in good faith.

No, no, no, no. There's no need to be hasty. If you want me to take these

I will take them back as a personal favour to you.

Extremely decent of you, Arthur.

You owe me, shall we say, 1 ,200?

You're joking. You only paid nine.

Lots of business, don't you know?

General inconvenience.

You're stitting me up, Terry.

I was thinking that, yeah.

Here, take this in, will you? Ozzie, take this in.

I'm very disappointed in you, Simon.

Here am I trying to help you modernise your business.

If you're typical of the captains of industry, it's no wonder this great

of ours is in dead... Thank you.

Goodbye, Arthur.

This is a very heavy blow, Terry.

But how did the old Bill know he had two dodgy phones?

But they are not dodgy phones.

Are they?

I don't know.

I'm in a very tricky cash flow situation now, Terry.

Very tricky.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

I don't trust you, Daly.

Why can't McCann deal directly with me?

Because, Sir Ronald, I am Mr McCann's business manager, and you must

the delicacy of the arrangement.

I mean, we are talking about two very young people, very much in love.

You sure?

No question whatsoever.

I might even go so far as to say that I think a wedding bell situation is

definitely on the cards.

All right, Daly, you're on.

You won't regret it, Sir Ronald.

But I'm not paying 50 % up front.

Well, we're both members of the business sector. I'm sure we can come to some

arrangement. You get a thousand now.

And the other nine grand, when I am 100 % certain McCann isn't coming within a

mile of my daughter ever again.

All right?

Well, one grand up front.

Take it or leave it. I'll take it.

Oh, and not a word to McCann about this. Not a word to my daughter.

You make a dummy out of me daily, and you'll need a new face.

You can rely on me, Sir Ronald.

Oh, I see you're a patron of the arts, like myself.

Get out, Daly. Yes, of course.

It's upside down.

I'm afraid the blood tests were positive.

Eh? What blood tests?

The blood tests we took at your last visit, Mr Evans.

No, I'm not Mr Evans. I'm Mr Daly.

Um... Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Wrong file, eh? I don't...

Right, what can I do for you?

Well, Doctor, is there any really serious illness, you know, disease, that

happens at the age of... Well, comes about with maturity.

And can you pass it on to your children?

What can you pass on to your children?

This disease.

What disease?

Any disease.

Why don't you just tell me the symptoms and let me make the diagnosis?

Oh, no, no, I haven't got any symptoms. I'm calling on behalf of a friend.

Mr. Daly, as a doctor, I think I can safely say that I see all aspects of

There's no need for embarrassment if your complaint is of a private nature.

Alternatively, if you prefer, I can refer you to a clinic which specialises

venereal disease.

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not that, no.

I just want some information.

Mr. Daly, do you know how many patients I have waiting outside?

Yeah, I know, it's shocking, isn't it? It's no wonder more people are going

private. I'm with Farty myself.

I beg your pardon?

P -H -A -T -I, Farty.

Personal health and treatment indemnity.

Mr. Daly, what is it that you want?

Excuse me, do you have any do -it -yourself medical books?

Upstairs, sir. First floor.

Thank you.

And there's definitely no cure for this disease.

What's it called?

Spotter's syndrome.

No, I'm afraid not.

But Terry seems so fit.

Well, that's what makes it such a cruel disease. Shall we, um... See, for years

after it's been detected in the blood, the patient doesn't know anything about

it. And then suddenly, wallop.

The palsy, the shakes.

Before you know where you are, you're falling over the furniture, cracking

shins on parked cars.

And eventually, of course, it's fatal.

Oh, poor Terry.

Yes, it's very sad.

The first symptoms are due to show themselves any day now.

Very sad indeed.

I mean, no woman wants to spend her life looking after a man like that, does

she?

I wonder why he hasn't mentioned him.

Ah, well, Terry's a very brave boy.

I mean, he wouldn't want to know I've told you, but I felt it was my duty to

tell you, my dear.

Yes.

Well, I hope this won't make any difference to the very happy

have with him.

No, no, of course not.

give us very much to go on, does it, Miss?

Don't you remember anything else about them?

Might have helped if you'd phoned us sooner. Of course.

Well, I didn't think too much about it at first, did I?

It's not as if they stole any phones.

All they took was the stickers.

Stickers?

I see.

Well, can you remember anything else more useful?

No.

Except the younger one was called Terry.

And he definitely...

He definitely called the older one Arthur.

The one with the hat.

Thank you, miss.

Thank you very much, miss.

Terry,

are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?

Yeah, it's all right, yeah. I'm never so brave, you know.

What can you drive? What a dream, Arthur.

Drive this car.

What this?

Anywhere. Just get me in.

Hello, Mr Chisholm.

What an unexpected pleasure.

You got a chauffeur now, Danny?

Business must be looking up.

Oh, what? Oh, no, no, it's just a lad that watches a few cars for me. Running

youth opportunities programme, are we?

Well, in these hard times, one has to do what one can to help the young people.

Very touching, Daly.

Where is your young assistant off to in your motor?

Oh, the, um... The car wash.

Good, he should be back in a few minutes, then.

Ah, well, now, sometimes at this hour of the day, you get quite a queue there.

I'm in no hurry.

Inside?

Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

Key somewhere.

No sign of anything here, Gav. You do realise... No, Daly, I don't have a

warrant. Do you wish to insist on one? If you do, I owe Nicky for stealing

sticky telephone labels.

I'd rather Nicky for something more substantial.

Telephones.

British Telecom approved, I hope, Daly?

Oh, yeah, standard issue.

You been getting any cross -lines lately?

No, no, no. No complaints at all. In fact, I wish I bought a few shares.

Keys.

Jones. You have no right, Mr Chisholm. I'm going to phone my brief.

Open it. You bloody moron.

This is an outrage. Oh, I quite agree.

Not to worry.

I don't know what you're looking for.

Oh, you do look tired.

You know what he wants, don't you? Long weekend in Llandudno.

I'll tell you what, I'll have a bacon sandwich as well, all right? All right,

yeah, fine.

All right, all right, so you're not a moron.

But you must have known all along that your boss was flogging me stolen

property. They're no nicked, Arthur.

Just our mate in Taiwan in dead dodgy.

What are you telling me?

They use the old system. You know, four -cell net came in.

No one wants them anymore.

It's a 50 -watt blaster.

Eh? The frequency control's a bit ropey. A lot of spurious radiation gear off

and on. Will you speak English?

Your conversation sort of gets mixed up in other systems, you know, like CB

radio or... Police say they are? Aye, that's possible.

That would explain the police beating down your neck.

Oh, my God, I'd have to flog them. Where are they?

They're quite after.

I've sold them already.

Eh? Took them to a pal of mine when I seen your visitors.

Oh, come on, come on. Where's the readies?

Oh, that's days with me, big boy. I've got to get paid, you know.

McTaggart pays you, not me.

Aye, that's the theory, but McTaggart's skipped.

Skipped? Aye, skipped.

Done a bunk.

Buggered off into the blue beyond, know what I mean?

It's the last time I put my trust in your race, my son.

Bunch of McRobbers, and no mistake.

Oi, oi, oi, where are you going? Come on, you owe me.

I'll set Terry on you. I don't think he'll find me, Arthur.

No Inglisga.

Cheerio.

Arthur!

See you, Arthur.

You're a bad pot.

A right bad pot.

I've been looking all over for you.

The tea with two sugars, please.

Terry, I've been outwitted.

No. Yeah, by a moron.

Well, it had to happen eventually, didn't it? And I nearly got my collar

Chisholm. The old telephone scam is down the plug. I've lost a fortune.

That's why you keep telling me, isn't it? The days of the small businessman

over. I don't want your sympathy, Terry. I'm not going to give you any.

I could have done with a little practical help.

Like what?

Well, giving young Ozzie a smack.

Peter.

What's the stare on her?

Nothing, nothing.

Everything all right, Terry?

Yeah, well, it was till you came in, yeah.

Good, good.

Your young lady, she well?

Yeah, she's fine, thank you, yeah.

You're a charming girl, that Sarah.

You seem to get on very well together.

Yeah, we do.

Good, good.

I'm very happy for you.

Very happy for both of you.

You haven't had a barley with her or anything, have you?

No.

I'm going to have one with you in a minute if you don't watch out.

Oh, don't be like that. Enjoy your sandwich. Oh, look!

They've all got their bleeding wives with them.

I could kill you, Julie.

It's not my fault. Sid swore it was a stag do.

Hang about.

That one's on him, Todd.

That can't.

Brewer's truth.

I'm all in favour of brewer's truth myself.

I mean, it's strictly no refunds, isn't it? I once made 75 quid off a yank who

passed out the minute he handed over the cash.

Come on, sir.

You're fantastic.

Here we go, sir.

I think we've got a punter girl.

Rather you than me.

Good evening.

Do any of you have the time?

10 .37.

Thank you very much.

Must be a beginner.

All for a beginner, innit?

See you later, girls.

You're not, are you?

Darling, I'm two weeks behind with the rent. Careful, Julie.

Looks kinky to me.

So what?

Looking for business?

No.

I mean, that is... Yeah, yes, yes.

But you don't have to do anything.

I'm not the sort of man you think I am.

No, I'm sure you're not.

I mean, I'm... I'm not looking for... You know, I'm not looking for that.

Something quite different.

Well, that would be a little bit more expensive.

What do you have in mind?

I've got a motor outside.

Could I have the plane later?

Not until we discuss the money, love.

What? I don't know.

A hundred quid.

And no monkey business involved.

Oh, fair enough.

She's got to pop to the ladies. I'll meet you in the lobby.

Arthur!

What a nice surprise.

What are you doing here?

Annual company do.

It's rather splendid, actually.

Are you staying in the hotel?

Yes. No, no, no, I'm... Oh, on your own, are you? What?

Don't let me keep you, Andrew. You carry on. I've got plenty of time, Arthur.

All the time in the world. How about a quick snifter? The bar's still open. No.

Everything all right?

You seem a trifle overwrought. Oh, pressure at work, you know. Well, you

know. You are my accountant.

Oh, I...

Say, I heard the most marvellously funny story tonight about a VAT inspector.

Apparently, this VAT man was responsible for a group of companies in

the rat trade, you see. Well, they're a different company, and it went into

spurious liquidation.

This is purely professional, Andrew.

What do you like? Purely professional.

Yes.

Just what I was thinking.

That's just sick, doesn't it?

Oh, who are you?

And where is my boyfriend, Terry?

What? Oh, Perry, who is this other woman?

Eh? How could you do this to me?

What are you talking about? Who are you? Oh, Terry, come on.

Come on, what?

Oh, who are you? How did you get in here anyway?

Get your clothes on and get out. Go on. On your bike. Come on.

All right, there's no need to shove. No need to shove. You're lucky I don't give

you a slap. Go on and piss off.

What's all that about, eh? I wonder.

Don't get the wrong end of the stick.

I've never seen her before and I've got no idea who it was.

No, it's a set -up, innit?

I'll bet your dad organised it.

Look, Terry, it was bad timing, but really, I don't mind. It's no big deal.

You're talking about no big deal. You've got it all wrong. I don't know who she

is. Don't get so emotional about it. I told you, I don't mind.

You're free to do whatever you like.

I mean, you're not the only man I'm sleeping with right now.

What?

Well, surely you realise that.

Oh, shut up, Sarah.

What are you just saying? It's not even a score, is it?

No, it's true.

And even if it is the first time you've seen that girl, it's still true.

Terry, I don't want an exclusive relationship with you.

Look, look, we haven't known each other very long. No, I don't... ever want an

exclusive relationship with you. Not with any man.

Terry, I think you're really sweet.

Sweet? Oh, God help us.

Oh, you're so wonderfully old -fashioned.

Don't patronise me.

I don't understand you. I mean, look, what's wrong with two people sticking

together for a little while, eh?

Because.

It's boring.

Oh, it's boring, is it?

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, I'll tell you what.

As it's so boring, I'm going to bed.

Alone.

Here you are. Here you are.

Have a word with Tell, will you?

He's a bit out of sorts.

He split up with that new bird of his last night.

and I think he was quite stuck on her.

Oh, that's very bad news, Dave. It's very sad. Get yourself a large drink.

Cheers. Come on, I'll have a larger.

I'll see you later.

Here.

Aren't you going to have a word with Chell?

No, I don't think it's the right moment. I think I should respect his privacy.

It's the first time he's ever done that, Arthur. I didn't see you coming. I

didn't see you sitting there.

Here, sing this. Come on, I must go. No, come here, come here. It won't take a

minute. Look, look, have a look.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I mean, who'd think the bigger burgers could go bust just like that, eh?

And you see what old Sir Ronald Baker's done?

He's only led it to Spain to escape his creditors.

You all right?

I'll tell you what, I was feeling a bit low myself, and then I read that cheer

me up no end.

Do you want a drink, son?

It does have its tragic side, Terry.

Does it? Well, I think so.

You know what that old sod did to me? What? He only planted a bird in my flat,

didn't he? Eh?

I come back with Sarah and there she is, right as rain.

Trying to split us up, you see.

Dave?

Mind you, God knows how they got in there.

You still got that set of keys I gave you? No, no, you took them back months

ago.

You can't trust anyone these days, can you?

No. Dave?

Mind you, it probably did us a favour in the long run. I mean, she was making me

look a right dummy, wasn't she? I'm very glad to hear that.

What's that meant to me? No, I mean, you're well shot of her.

Oh, yeah.

Terry, what's a Bampot?

Bampot? Well, it's Scots for Right Wally, isn't it?

I need a drink.

Dave!

I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near.

I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.