Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

Hang about, this is the wrong colour. It's supposed to be white.

This old consignment will have to be dispatched back to Mr Sharma.

Yeah, well, you take them back.

Now, be reasonable.

I mean, who in their right mind is going to order 250 litres of brilliant

tangerine? No, no, he's got his delivery notes mixed up. Oh, there's no mix -up.

Sharma told me to unload it or dump it. Either way makes no difference.

I mean, you've paid for it, haven't you?

This is a breach of government regulations.

Then write to your MP.

Look, I shall be in touch with Mr Sharma and I shall tell him he's got a very

uncooperative delivery man.

Piss off.

You wouldn't say that if my employee was here.

Hello, mate.

Yeah? Hello, mate.

Why aren't you here when I need you?

Well, all the time.

Pushed around by the overgrown delivery boy.

No -one here to protect me, and they've done me up like a kipper.

Don't tell me you've been taken for a ride again.

Look, what is the point of having a Trades Description Act when they can

you off with brilliant tangerine when you want white?

I don't know what you're going on about.

I mean, it's only a few tins of paint, isn't it? It's hardly the Wall Street

crash. No, it's not. That's all the other things. I'm beginning to feel like

proverbial cola bear.

Eh? Up a gum tree.

I mean, what with my money man being put away. I mean, that was the beauty of

this deal, you see. It was in the front door, out the back, with a nice little

mark -up for yours truly.

Yeah, but, oh, don't it just be a mix -up?

Oh, Terry.

No matter how I try and teach you by example, you've still got this quality

naivety. It's not a mix -up. It is a stitch -up.

Well, Sharma at a glass is going to find out that no one turns Arthur Daly over.

Ah, Mr.

Daly, how nice it is to see you. I'm sorry, Mr. Sharma, I have no time for

pleasantries after what has happened.

Please, you are a guest in my house, you will sit in my chair.

Chair? No, no, I'm not your example, you're upholstery. You and me have got

sort out a mix -up over delivery notes.

Oh, my driver has delivered the wrong goods.

Well, I would call 250 litres of brilliant tangerine that, which bears no

resemblance to white whatever language you speak.

Now, I'm sure this can all be sorted out amicably.

You take the cans back, give me the white, or return my payment, and we'll

be happy.

This is most unfortunate.

I will have very strong words with my supplier about this.

Told you Mr Sharma was a reasonable man, didn't I?

Oh, your very words, Arthur.

If only we could remedy the error. But what has been done, has been done.

This is our destiny.

Yeah, we know it's been done, Mr. Sharma. The point is, we undo it.

But this is not possible.

Just a minute. Do I perceive you correctly?

Are you refusing to honor a transaction?

I am honoring our transaction.

It is you who is not, Mr. Daly. You will remember I had said my supplier can be

erratic. And you had agreed to accept the pain, even though you might not get

white. Yeah, but I didn't think I was going to get brilliant tangerine, did I?

Look. I don't wish to be forceful with a respected member of the community like

yourself, but if I do not get my money, my employee here will have to take

action. Oh, Mr Daly, it leaves me that you should feel this way.

You'd agree to my pocket a lot more if I didn't. Terry, we're going to apprehend

goods to the value of... which is in line with British legal recourse, I

to add.

And if anyone tries to stop us, my terrier will do the necessary.

Have you met my son, Mr Daly?

My pleasure entirely.

I thought smoking was against your religion.

First you're whistling up the cavalry. No, no, no, Terry, no, no.

Well, these misunderstandings happen, Mr Sharma.

What can we do about it? I don't have to tell a man of your ancestry all about

Kismet, do I? Well, we'll be on our way now.

Big boys you had, didn't you?

Them saw the big lady, was she?

I'm sorry that our transaction has come to this, Mr Daly. Don't worry about it,

don't worry.

I'm in your debt, Mr Daly.

Come and see me any time you need my help.

My chair will always be here for you to rest on. I'll try and remember that.

Bye -bye.

Why didn't you do something?

Oh, dear, what could I do? Yeah, that's a good question. What could you do?

Tell you what, I could get rid of some of that paint for you. Yeah? Where?

I'll have a can.

Yeah, that tangerine look all right in the bedroom. Oh, Tom, only 249 to go.

Had a deep, deep for them, too.

I'll have to dig even deeper now, won't I?

That's real perspective.

Well, you listen. Shush, shush.

Don't shush me. I'm talking. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

Terry, what you're looking at here is a very worried man.

That makes both of us.

Listen, I need that score you owe me. I'm a bit short.

If you're a bit short, I'm a dwarf.

Look, this can't go on. All these people owe me money and I'm thoracic.

Don't look at me. I'm the one who's owed.

I mean, I know my reputation is one for benevolence, but... There are limits.

And my trading sheet tells me I've got to stop tidying people over.

Come on, drink up. We've got to go.

I've only just got here.

I can't afford to hang around, Terry. The ship is sinking fast.

I thought the captain was supposed to go down with the ship. No, only after the

rats have left.

It's cause and effect, isn't it? The laws of the economical jungle.

See, if I hadn't been turned over, I wouldn't have to call in Jimmy Elliot's

cash on his higher purchase agreement. Where are you going?

It's up there, isn't it?

No, I'm not using a tradesman's entrance. Come on.

Look, I'm trying to explain to you about cash flow.

Yeah, I could do with some of that. Well, when I get paid, you'll get paid.

is called the employer -employee relationship.

And what's it called if I turn you upside down and shake all the money out

your pockets? Grievous bodily harm.

I've always wanted a piano.

Can you get me one? No.

What's Hypnotist doing here?

Not exactly Harley Street, is it?

I thought they were all on the stage.

Oh, this one's on the second floor.

You

all

right?

Not a minute.

You ought to pack up smoking, you know.

Oh, yeah. I risk dying of anxiety.

Jim.

Hello, Joe. Can we have a drink?

Yeah, all right. Just a little one. But be on your toes, because Harper's right

behind me.

Oh, crap.

Look.

All right, Harper? Oh, yeah.

In the pink.

Look, I've got a pot so you may as well bugger off.

Well, draw a picture.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about your domestic and financial problems, Jimmy.

Oh, yeah, I know you are, please.

You still afford to drink, though?

Yeah, well, I can't afford not to, can I?

Is she still in the area?

Yeah, she's sacked up with some fish porter.

Tell you what, she's got a right hiding coming to her if I can get my hands on

her. Well, it gives me no pleasure to confront you at a time of a deep and

personal crisis, Jimmy.

But it's a question of coming up with a reddies.

I ain't got any, Harper.

Well, then you leave me no alternative. No payment, I must repossess the van.

There's nothing else I can do.

All our backs are having intimate relations with a wall.

It's a sign of the times.

Government's lost its way.

It's a question of your money or your van.

We can't have either of them.

I beg your pardon?

I've sold the van, haven't I?

You've sold my property?

That is illegal.

Well, I had to, didn't I? I had to get some money to feed the kids and pay the

bills. Wait a minute. That's against the law. I don't have the law on you.

Oh, but there's no need to shout, is there?

What side are you on? It doesn't matter which side I'm on. There's just no need

to keep on.

pay you back, Arthur, as soon as I get on me feet.

We're going to come up likely on the pools, aren't we, Robbie?

I don't think we live in the same world, Jimmy. Do you know what the odds are

against coming up on the pools when you're likely out?

They don't bear thinking about.

I want payment, not promises.

Well, I ain't got nothing to give you, Arthur.

Well, what about this business? This must be worth something to someone.

It is a going concern, I assume.

Well, it was.

Well, realise your assets. Pay me back now, don't you? You realise them,

I've got other things to do. Your first responsibility is to your predators. No,

my first responsibility is to get these kids some dinner.

Yeah, that's right. Come on, I'll give you a hand with them. Come on, Rock.

I'll have to take you over, Jimmy. Yeah, you do that, Harper.

It could be steam cleaning today, tomorrow the world, eh?

Who do you think is the best hawker in the world, then?

You?

Oh, do you hear that? He only reckons he's the best hawker in the world. What

about Maradona and all the others?

Well, they're foreign, of course, aren't they?

Here, Phil.

Here you go.

Hello, Curly. See you later.

Keep smiling, eh? Yeah, well, you've got her, haven't you? Leave it out or bang

your head up against the wall.

See you later, Phil.

Not the supplementary benefit, obviously, you know. If he owes, he

All right, don't go on. There must be opportunities for steam cleaning.

Maybe I should exploit the situation.

That's all you read about in the financial press these days.

What is?

Diversification.

Well,

it could do with a good clean -up, couldn't it? No, no, no, Terry, that is

superfluous. It is the soul of the business that matters, that certain

something, that little spark that can bring it all alive again.

I think I can smell something.

Yeah, I think it's cats.

I was making a good living.

Just needed organising.

Needs to bring someone in with business acumen, you know, flair, expertise,

managerial input.

Got anyone in mind, have you?

No.

Look, look, look, I found Big Bear up there.

Oh, yeah?

How's it work?

How do I know?

Well, it should be easy enough to find out. Terry, think of the possibilities.

They must be limitless.

Houses, shops, offices.

I mean, anyone who's got a carpet and we're in.

And everybody's got carpets.

Here, look.

What? The operating manual.

Hey, listen. I'll have to change the name, love.

Hey, what about this?

Daily Elp Cleaners.

Is that what you're going to take them to? No, you get it, you get it. Daily

Elp. D -A -L -E -Y. Not D -A -I -L -Y. I'll get it, I'll get it.

Customer.

Tell them to go round the front, mate.

It's not a fire, is it? I don't know.

What's that? Oi, oi, what's that?

They're after us. They're violent. Oh, no, excuse me.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, we cannot have private breakfast. He's spilling over

our commercial remit. Don't let him get me.

Please, please help us to escape.

I'm a doctor.

Please, they're violent.

Who are?

My brother.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Hurry, hurry, come on.

Come on, don't panic. Don't panic, they might get through the window.

Go on.

Give us the keys, I'll go and get the moat. Hurry up, for God's sake.

I am sorry about this. I should think so, too. What is going on? It's her

brother's. Yeah, of course it is. They're against our relationship.

What, in these enlightened times?

They're trying to kidnap me and take me home. You're not underage, are you?

I'm 18.

I will be at the end of the week.

That's the day we're getting engaged.

Congratulations. Thank you.

We're going round. I'm the only 18th to tell them.

They're trying to stop me being 18.

It's difficult with a growing girl like you, isn't it? Very complicated story.

In the back. Tell me in the car.

Look, it's only for a few days, and he will be paying your wages.

I'm still owed wages from me last job.

How many times do I have to tell you we cannot have outgoings till we've got

incomings? And this happens to be an incoming.

In fact, it's the only incoming we got.

So just grit your teeth and bear it. It's only for a few days.

No problem, is there? No, no, no, not at all. My Terry will look after your girl

till she comes of age.

Thank you.

If you wouldn't mind staying with Rita, I must get back to my consulting work.

Yeah, all right. I'll give you a lift. Here we are.

I'll pick you up later, all right?

Yeah, well, don't go out of your way, eh?

Oh, no, no, no trouble.

Just his laconic way.

Daily Help, spelt D -A -L -E -Y.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that's not how you spell it, but that is what I want.

Yeah. And we'll have that across the top in bold print.

Yeah. And underneath, for all your steam cleaning requirements, commercial,

industrial and residential.

Yeah.

Estimates cheap.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm setting thoughts. Make that estimates free.

How long they been after you, then?

It started last month when I left home to live with Walter.

Dr. Sudbury.

I haven't got your address, then. No, they'd get me if they did.

It's a funny way for them to take it, isn't it? I mean, it's a bit extreme.

They think they're doing it for my benefit.

Well, kidnapping you.

I don't think he's just after my money.

It's not like that.

We're in love.

I know we haven't known each other long.

And I know he's older than me.

But we're sort of devoted, you know?

And he's not interested in the money at all.

What money is this?

Well, it was in me dad's will.

They think he got the money from feeding.

But I don't believe that.

I reckon he won it somewhere.

He was always gambling.

And you're in for some of that, are you?

Yeah, on me 18th. I'll get me first 25 ,000.

Oh. But Walter's not interested in it. You told me.

You can understand that, can't you?

Of course I can, yeah. I mean, money isn't everything, is it? That's what

said.

I bet he does, yeah.

What sort of things do you treat people for, Doc?

Anything which can be helped by a notice.

Dieting, phobias, anxieties, allergies, smoking.

So what do you do? You swing a watch in front of them and make their eyes go all

funny?

No, nothing like that.

I just talk in a comforting voice.

But I don't just treat illness, you know.

I also help people improve themselves in sport, business, that sort of thing.

It's a deserved honor.

I'll show you.

No, no, no, no, no. Count me out on this one, Doc. I am first.

You've helped me.

So I'll help you. No, no, no. I've always had this fear of hypnotics ever

I saw a bride of voodoo. You just relax.

I'll explain to you, and you'll see there's nothing to worry about.

All we do in hypnosis is to suggest positive ideas when the mind is in a

receptive state, and that state's the same as what you feel when you're

All I do is help you reach your consciousness continuum.

That's the point where the mind is open to suggestion.

Fascinating.

Is that the time? Oh, God, it must be. Mr. Daly, please relax.

I'm a doctor. Look safe in my hand.

There's my certificate.

Oh, yeah.

It hereby admitted, Doctor of Medicine, Global University of Human Potential.

I don't think I have a... I hope that reassures you.

Oh, I didn't have any doubts about your medical qualifications, Doc. And don't

doubt my power to be able to help you. I can make you more successful in your

business, more dynamic.

Your profits will increase by tenfold.

As much as that.

Don't just take my word for it. Look at the most successful executives today.

And what very few people know is they've all been hypnotized.

Tiny Rowlands, Rupert Murdoch, Norman Tebbit.

Norman Tebbit.

I could help you become businessman of the year.

What do you think?

Come and sit on the couch.

Of course, we'll offset my fees against your fees for Terry.

Oh, well, no, no, I'm not sure about that. We'll negotiate it later, shall

You just lie back and relax.

Relax.

Now, I want you to tell me what you're most preoccupied with at the moment.

Pain. What kind of pain?

Not pain.

Painter. Pots of painter.

I see.

Why is that?

Because I've been lumbered with 250 litres of it.

Okay, now listen to me.

Close your eyes and listen to my voice.

Both your eyes.

Now I want you to think about paint.

A warehouse full of paint.

There's a buyer with you.

Every can of paint you have, he wants.

And at a price that will give you a 500 % profit.

He tells you... You'll take another lorry load.

More if you can get it.

You telephone your supplier.

Your supplier tells you he can give you all that you need.

Your buyer says he will take all you can get.

It's a never -ending circle.

A 500 % markup that will last forever.

Listen to me now.

Slee.

Slee.

Dirty habit.

Not dirty.

You don't believe it's good for you, do you?

No. Of course it isn't.

You should give it up.

Go on. You can.

Would you like me to help you?

No. Listen to me.

Every cigar you light, will taste like burning rubber.

Do you understand?

Yeah. Every cigar will taste and smell like burning rubber.

Burning rubber.

Good. Listen to me. From now on, you will be more positive in your work.

You will get more jobs, make more money, because you are positive and you have

energy.

Positive energy. You are a positive businessman, a successful businessman.

You will buy wisely, sell shrewdly, and always be on the lookout for the next

transaction.

Yes. You are full of confidence.

You can do it.

You can succeed.

I can.

Good.

Now, when I wake you up, you won't remember what we've talked about, but it

stay in your subconscious helping you all the time. Wake up, Arthur.

What's that sound?

Something about paint.

Oh, yeah. Hang on.

I know where I can get rid of a few cans. Look, I'm sorry, Doc, but you know

about business. We can't waste time.

We're positive energetic businessmen. We've got a crack on, you know.

So have a cigar.

Oh, well, never mind.

See you, Doc.

Hey, Oscar, I sent you a pin. It's all right.

Are you all right, Arthur?

Yeah, yeah, fine, Dave, fine.

Just thinking, you know.

Old cogs whirring round.

Yeah, yeah, I could hear them. No, I was just cogitating on the surroundings.

What's that, whatever?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, nothing, nothing structural, you know. It's just surface problems.

Surface problems.

No, no, don't get me wrong, Dave. I mean, it's nothing a good lick of paint

wouldn't put right.

How many years is it since you had it done?

Are you casting aspersions on my decorations?

No, no, aspersions don't come into it, Dave. I'm just saying it could do with a

good spruce up.

Well, it looks quite all right to me.

I tell you what will go well in here. It will blend in with the surroundings.

Brilliant tangerines.

What?

Yeah, give it a Regency flavour, you know.

Neo -Georgian.

Yeah, I get it.

And you just happen to be in a position to sell me some.

I know that you are, but I'm not in the market for paint.

Especially brilliant tangerine.

Yeah, why don't you try the Satsuma marketing board?

What about your carpets?

Well, what about them?

Could do with a steam clean, couldn't they?

Arthur, the only thing around here that could do with a steam clean is that

blooming hole out of the ocean.

Dave, you smell something.

Is that burning rubber?

No, but I'm also not in the market for an air purifier.

Dave, smell that.

What's that smell like?

A cigar.

Doesn't it smell like a burnt tyre?

Well, it just doesn't matter whether you are, for it smells perfectly all right

to me.

Yeah, it's going all right. Yeah, I see it stays that way. I like to keep in

with them. I can see a nice little urn there.

It's a soak in water, I reckon.

Oh, you're mean, don't you?

Never seen such a little gold digger. See, you got it wrong, didn't you? It's

the other way round. Terry, you're talking about a girl from the high -rise

flats and a doctor. Who's going to have the money?

She is.

Eh? I'll tell you about it later. They'll be wondering where I am. Listen,

listen, about that paint. I'll be very happy for you to have a couple of cans

account.

On account of what? Your wages.

My wages? Yeah. Oh, that's very generous of you, Arthur, but the only thing is

I've changed my mind. Why?

Well, I don't fancy that tangerine.

It might peel.

It's my birthday tomorrow.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. You'll be there, won't you?

Where? When I see my mum tomorrow.

You know, sort things out.

There might be trouble.

Yeah, all right, yeah.

How long you worked here?

Only a couple of months.

How long's Dubbery been here?

I think it's about two years.

Not exactly rushed over his feet, is he?

Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment.

It'll pick up, though.

You see, a lot of people are suspicious of hypnosis, aren't they?

Yeah, well, I wouldn't have anything to do with it.

That's what I mean.

They've all got funny ideas about it.

Well, it's not helped by their reason, right? The dodgy types calling

hypnotists. Are they?

Oh, yeah, there's plenty of sharks about.

Anyone can set themselves up. Don't even need training.

Oh, but he's trained, though, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

He's a fully qualified hypnotist.

Was he?

No, no, no. Forget about the colour. Just say gloss paint.

Lower than trade prices.

Same phone number. We'll take it for six days.

All right? Thank you very much, my dear. Bye -bye.

Daily Help, Cleaning Services.

Come out this.

Ah, madam, that might be a little bit difficult, Mundy.

Would you just hold on while I have a look at the work diary?

We might be able to squeeze you in at nine o 'clock, madam. How would that do?

Right. And the address?

Yes, I've got that.

My operative will be with you at nine on the dot, madam.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I've got him! I've got him!

You might as

well

go.

I'll kill him.

Behave yourself.

I think we'd better have a little chat.

Bloody hell are you, then?

Yeah.

Well, they would be coming to see me tomorrow, wouldn't they?

It's her 18th.

Yeah, she told me all about it.

Oh, yeah?

She told you nothing, boy.

Don't tell her he's hypnotised her, has she?

She only went to see him to lose weight, and once he got into her mind, he kept

her on a piece of string.

I mean, she does anything she says. She can't help it, see?

Brainwashed?

Nah, she seems all right to me. Why, of course she does. It's how that William

Barton works, isn't it?

I bet you think he's a doctor, don't you?

Oh, yeah, that's what he said he was.

Yeah, well, I could call myself the Queen of Sheba.

Do you know what he worked at two years ago?

Sold insurance, didn't he? Door to door. Walker.

I've made inquiries.

All I want to do is get her back home and try and get her sorted out, that's

all.

Well, you're going to see her tomorrow. You can have a talk then, can't you? Oh,

it's no good, is it? I mean, tomorrow they're going to ask for the money.

got to leave a right to it there, haven't you?

If I could see her today, try and talk some sense into her.

Look, I can't give you the address. It wouldn't be right.

What's right?

Him taking the money and then slinging his ilk. Is that right?

Yeah, well, I'll be there tomorrow. Maybe I can help.

You're too late, boy.

He's just after her money. Yeah, so her mum reckons.

And she's as straight as a die. Oh, come on, Terry. Look, he's after her money,

she's after him. I mean, what's that got to do with the price of fish?

I'm not going to stand around and see her stitched up, that's all. Hey, see,

there's that social conscience rearing its ugly head again. You won't get

nowhere with that dragging you down. You mark my word. You really get on my

wits. Oh, never mind then. Come on, let's get the cleaner inside and get the

in hand.

Oh, this is bleeding stupid.

I don't know anything about steam cleaning.

There's nothing to it. Here, put these gloves on, plug it in and clean away.

I've got the manual if you get stuck.

Only for a couple of days.

If it works out, I'll get someone in to take it over.

Yeah, what's this thing doing here? I've just chucked everyone out.

I know, Dave.

You wouldn't like us to steam clean your carpets with a place full of customers,

would you? I don't want you to steam clean my carpets when I ain't got

customers. See? Oh, Dave, Terry needs some practice.

And look, it's all gratis.

I mean, if you'd like to give us a little drink on the establishment,

entirely in your hands. But as far as I'm concerned, this is a gesture of

goodwill. You can't steam clean here and now. It'll still be wet tonight.

No, no, no.

It dries in five minutes. Just leave it in my hands, Dave. You'll be able to see

your face in that carpet.

Well, you'd better not make it wet.

It can't get wet. It's steam.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, yeah, I've got a new barmaid. I'm just showing her the prices.

Right, then.

So you charge them for it now? Never mind all that. Come on, come on. Switch

on, switch it on.

That sounds all right, doesn't it?

Oh, there's steam coming out there.

Oh, there's water coming out. Stop that water coming out. Well, how do you stop

it? Look in the manual, will you? Well, turn the red stopcocks. They're both

red, aren't they? Well, turn them both. Look at all the water coming out.

Ah, that's right.

Oh,

there's the steam now.

I think it's working, Arthur.

Dave?

He's got it working.

Good God.

What's happening?

She's in the car. She's held happier there.

What have you done to her? Johnny, she just didn't want to get out, that's all.

Because he's brainwashed her. That's why.

You all right, Rita?

What's he done to you? Nothing, Mum. I'm all right.

Rita, why don't you get out and have a chat to your mum? Come on. Come indoors

for a bit. I think we should save on the agony and get this over with as quickly

as possible.

You don't have to tell me what you're here for.

But you won't get a penny.

You listen to this as well.

There's no money.

It's all gone.

I've had the police round.

It was invested by a bloke like your boyfriend.

A swindler and a cheat.

He's done a bunk with the lot.

I don't believe you. I don't give a monkey's what you believe. That's the

You can sue your mother if you want.

Oh, no.

I don't want you back because I don't want to give you your money. I haven't

it anymore.

I just want to get you away from him. You can't see what he's doing to you.

not doing anything, Mum.

He is, but you can't see it. We love each other. Oh, Rita, listen to your

mother. I think we've both done enough listening. Thank you.

No doubt my solicitor will be in touch on Rita's behalf.

Yes, you get in touch. Better still, tell him to get in touch with

Superintendent Shaw at the Fraud Squad.

He'll tell him where the money's gone.

Oh, come and have a cup of tea with you, Mother.

Oh, just a cup of tea, that's all.

Ten minutes! Ten minutes! Please!

Rita! It's your birthday!

Thanks for the little point.

Thanks for your help. Yeah, it's all right.

I'll see you around, eh?

Can I invite you to the wedding?

Yeah, go on.

Is that all up?

It don't matter about the money, does it?

As long as we've got each other.

It's not as if we ain't working and earning.

You're not disappointed about it, are you?

I think we'll survive.

You know the lesson to be learned there, Terry, don't you?

No, you tell me, Uncle Arthur. No, no, don't mock. I'm serious.

Never believe what people tell you.

Appearances are deceptive.

Why didn't I think of that before?

What? What? I put a bit of white gloss in a couple of cans and then knocked the

whole lot out as white. Nobody's going to open every can to check, are they?

How do you sleep at night?

Very well, thank you.

Come on, put that rubbish down and give us a hand.

27th floor?

Well, there's a lift, isn't there?

What world do you live in, eh?

When was the last time you saw a block of flats like this with a lift that

worked? Well, if there's no lift, can't do the job.

Are you saying that you don't expect me to lug all this lot up, 27 flights?

Certainly not.

Gordon Bennett, what is it, my birthday? Look, when you've done them two jobs,

ring me. I'll probably have something else lined up for you.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, once we get started, it won't take me a minute, will it?

Well, I'll just get you a nice cup of tea before you start, eh? Yeah, lovely,

thanks. It's nice to have corners. I don't get out much these days. Not like

when I had a house.

I mean, it's different in a house. You can come and go as you like. Front door,

back door, you can go as you please.

Oh, I'll need a bucket of water. Sit yourself down and have your tea. Then

get you a bucket.

We can have a nice little chat.

All right.

Good day to you, sir. Can I help you? Look at this. A positive Aladdin's cave

smoker's delights. Yes, we have everything for the connoisseur here.

just the man I need.

You probably get quite a lot of this in the trade. I think it's something to do

with the ecological balance in the old north and south.

What is?

Burning rubber.

It's driving me up the wall.

I mean, can you imagine what it's like when I can't have a satisfying smoke

I'm under stress?

I mean, my nerves are ready to go on holiday.

But you are going to sort it out for me.

Are you sure I'm the best person to do that, sir? Well, if the finest smokers

this fair city can't, who can?

That's very gratifying for a modest man like myself to hear, sir.

Fair's fair. Give credit where it's due, as the actress said to the bank

manager.

Is there something I can get for you, sir? There is indeed.

I want the best cigar in the house. Money, no object, never mind the price.

I want the ones you keep for royalty, by appointment.

Ah, you mean the bottom drawer?

Oh, yeah.

I'll get you one.

You see, I think a first -class cigar, a really good smoke, would restore a

balance. Here we are, sir. Oh, look at that. Isn't that beautiful?

I mean, that is a positive Rembrandt of a lardy.

Absolutely, sir.

A hand -rolled Havala cigar.

Finest in the world.

I'll take it. Thank you, sir.

No, no, no, don't wrap it up. I'll smoke it now.

Certainly, sir.

That will be £9 .95.

How much?

No, no, no, don't tell me again. It's got to be done.

Here we are.

He'll change.

Well... See, that's the trouble with Havana, since Castro took over, innit?

Excuse me, do you want to have a look?

Very nice.

Very clean.

Is it wet?

Oh, just a bit, yeah. It'll be dry in an hour or so. It's a lovely job.

You can see the pattern.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

I'll just get your furniture back and then I'll shoot off, all right? Oh, you

don't have to rush off, do you? You just lay and have another cup of tea, eh?

I tell you what, I'll do you a nice cheese sandwich.

Used to be George's favourite, with a bit of pickle.

Why not?

You should have worn your welly boots off. No, it's not wet, Dave.

If it was any wetter, you'd have had to swim for the bar.

And if that carpet shrinks when it dries out, I should be knocking on your door.

Join the queue, Dave. Give us a large VAT.

Has Terry phoned in?

He hasn't phoned here.

What's he up to? He should be through by now.

He's probably flooding somebody else out. Don't joke about it, Dave.

Steen cleaner, love. Is this still all right? Oh, my God, I've given you up for

dead. Yeah, I'm sorry. I've got a bit delayed.

Oh, well, better late than never. All right, well, I'll just shoot outside and

get the gear. Oh, do you want a drink before you start?

Well, I haven't really got time, have I? Ah, come on, keep me company.

The old man's at an LVA meeting.

All right, well, thanks a lot.

Now, as I say, once I get tired, it won't take me long, innit?

Name's Claire.

I'm Terry.

Cheers, Terry.

Yeah, cheers.

I was going to have some lunch. Would you like a bite?

Well, I wouldn't mind a little nibble.

No, madam, I'm afraid my steam -clean operative won't be able to get to you

today. He seems to have been a bit delayed.

We could call firstly in the morning. How about that?

Oh, yes, we'll get the wine stain out, don't you worry.

Right, we'll see you then.

Bye -bye.

If you're ever in the area, I've got other carpets we can do.

Yeah, well, I'll pop in.

Careful.

Don't want to do yourself a mischief.

A day's work, and what have we got to show for it? £7 .50.

That's what you told me to charge her. Yeah, that was for one hour's work. What

happened to the rest of the day? I had to stay and have a little chat, didn't

She was lonely. Terry, we're not a bloody welfare. How many times do I have

tell you? I couldn't get away.

What, so you spent the whole day there?

No, no, no. I went and did the other job, didn't I? Well, where's the money

that, then?

Well, you'll have to take that off me wages.

Take it out of your wages? But you don't understand. I need a cash flow

situation.

What are you doing? Giving your services free?

Yeah, you could say that, yeah.

Oh, God, no. You're not turning this into confessions of a steam cleaner.

I've got a reputation, you know.

So have I.

Well, this can't go on. Somebody's taking me to the cleaners.

I'll have to come out with you tomorrow and do a time and motion study.

What's that mean? You check the time and I do all the bleeding motion?

What are you using a cloth for? I mean, what's wrong with a machine?

You've been ten minutes so far.

Think you could do it any quicker, do you? Where you're going, I think the

indoors could do it quicker.

Oh, yeah?

All right, then.

You get hurt. Do it, then.

Don't fly off the handle.

Look, I didn't want this bleeding job in the first place, and I can't stand it

with you behind me making snide comments, right?

I tell you what, if you think you can do it any better, you do it.

Oh, no, come on, Terry. You can't leave me.

We're back.

Terry!

Terry, where are you going?

Oh, you're still here. I thought I heard the door.

Ah, yes, my operative has gone to answer an emergency call. I'll finish off here

for him.

You haven't managed to get out the wine stain, then?

Oh, have we not?

Ah, no, well, I'm sure we have got just the right thing for that here, madam.

You, er...

You just leave that to me.

I'll have that out in a jiffy.

You will be careful, won't you? It's a family heirloom. It's Persian.

Gentle to the touch, madam. Gentle to the touch.

Here we go.

Ah. Yeah, this is a phenomenon we often get with Persians.

Arabian patch.

But don't worry, madam. I'll pop this into the workshop and we'll soon have it

sorted for you.

Just give me one hour, madam. I'll have it fit for the show himself.

Terry.

Leave me alone. I'm having lunch. No, no, no. Look, we've got trouble. There's

been a disaster.

Go back to the flat, get the machine out and meet me at Elliot's office.

Well, what's happened? I can't explain that. All I could do without this.

You cooked it up, didn't you? No, no, no. Look, listen. Go and get the machine

and meet me.

Tell me.

Is this for the carpet?

No, no, that's for the machine.

That'll take paint off, that will.

Now you tell me.

You didn't put it on a rug, did you?

Oh, dear, I don't... I mean, you were the obvious person to bring it to,

from your part of the globe. I mean, it's not all that far from Persia, is

And apart from which, you owe me one.

A fact that you stated yourself.

I am here to take you up on that.

I have come to sit in your chair.

My son will try an old remedy. I'll be eternally grateful, Mr. Sheldon.

I've been going out with my head with worry.

It's not like Walter to go missing.

Yeah, well, maybe he's just been delayed or something.

Maybe he's gone to see a pal. Who knows that?

He's been gone three days.

I don't see.

I've got no one to turn to, Terry.

It's an accident.

You'll help me, won't you?

Yeah, of course I'll help you, but I don't really see what I can do.

Find him for me.

Look, Rita, bearing in mind what's happened, I mean, he might just have,

you know, moved on.

Moved on?

Left. He wouldn't.

He wouldn't leave me.

No, it's nothing like that.

All his stuff's gone.

Oh, come on, Owen.

Oi, oi, oi. Look, you go home, eh?

Now, if I find out where he is or I see him or anything like that, I'll tell

you, OK?

Come on, we'll get you a cab.

There we are, madam.

Completely and restored by the only Persian mat expert this side of the

He works out of the West End.

And we will say nothing about the charge.

It is the least we can do under the circumstances.

I sure damn well think it was.

Yes, well, I'll be off then.

Mr

Dealey!

Bloody woman.

Puts your time and motion up the spout, doesn't he? Oh, don't go on.

I mean, you haven't ever been today, do you know that?

In fact, you're down on what you had to pay Sharma. Look, in fairness to Sharma,

he rendered his service gratis.

Social services will be taking you over soon.

Well, get up, it's the government.

Come in.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

May I have your service?

Elliot, Steam Cleaning.

That is us. Under a new name, though.

Daily Help Cleaning Service.

You are the Steam Cleaning people. We are the messengers in that respect, yes.

Can I be of assistance?

This is a legal summons, which I am instructed on court authority to serve

you. It is an offence not to comply with the summons. Good afternoon. No, no,

hold on. What's all this about?

You're overdue with your rent. I believe the amount's £350.

No, no, no, it's been a mix -up. You want Jimmy Elliot, right?

Elliot's seen cleaning. You've just admitted you're the company in this

And for that benefit, I'm afraid you have to pay.

Friday the 13th.

Only for you.

Well, that is it. I've had nothing but aggravation with this bloody steam

cleaning.

Yeah, look, take that round to Jimmy Elliot and pick up the machine from Lady

Muck and tell him I never want to see it again. It's costing me a fortune.

I know you answered it. I've had enough disasters for one day.

Hello?

Yeah?

OK, hang on, hang on.

Mr Keyes are phoning about that ad for the paint.

He wants white gloss.

Of course I want white gloss. We all want white gloss.

If I had white gloss, I wouldn't have to put an ad in, would I?

No. No, no, no, give it, yeah, give it, give it.

Can I help you?

Ah, well, yes, I have 250 litres of white gloss. You ain't.

200 the lot.

Oh, excellent, excellent, yes. You come round here tomorrow, 29 High Street,

just by the electrical shop, third floor. I'll have it all ready for you,

'clock. Lovely. Bye -bye.

You're not going to pass that tangerine off as white?

Do you ever read the Bible, Terence?

Do what?

There's a quotation in the good book that says, do unto others as you have

done unto yourself, and I'm not going to argue with ecclesiastical authorities.

Yeah, well, when the king comes looking for you, don't expect me to bail you

out. He won't find us, will he? We're vacating the premises.

Now, go on, get round to Jimmy with that little present from the port. You know

something? I didn't even get a taste for burnt rubber.

It's got a certain tang to it.

It'd work out a lot cheaper, too, doesn't it? We'd just get a retread

wouldn't it?

When I get my hands on 350 notes, it's all about kicking a man while he's down.

But if your sister says you look after the kids, you're free to work, aren't

you? You could start the business up again.

Yeah, I suppose I could try and build things up again.

Well, it'd put you back on your feet a bit, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I could always operate out of here, couldn't I? Why not?

Do you reckon I could put a van up for me?

No, no, I wouldn't bank on that one, no.

No, maybe not. Still, I could always get one on the book, pay it off as I earn.

That's got to be worth a try, isn't it?

Yeah, I think I'd do that, shall I? Yeah.

Listen, mate, I've got a few. Thanks for the tea. Yeah, all right, mate.

Nice one.

Still makes you sick, though, doesn't it?

What? Not as if he's strapped for a few quid.

Who? Sudbury.

That recalls himself, Doctor.

Could have given me a few weeks to find his feet.

I don't know what you're talking about.

For the summons.

He's had that served, hasn't he?

The old's the least.

What with all his actors and all that poncy flat in South Kent.

Sudbury? No, no, no. He's got a flat in Fernandale Road. No.

Now he's got a flight at half ten.

You couldn't do us a favour, could you? You couldn't go and dig it out for us?

I think we're missing an opportunity here, Terry.

Here, talking of opportunities, Arthur, if that carpet shrinks any more, I shall

take the opportunity of charging you for a new one.

No, no, don't worry about that, Dave. I had a word with my carpet expert, and he

reckons the map will expand with the heat.

Well, if it doesn't, you have my personal guarantee to make it good.

Well, that is very reassuring.

No, we are missing out, Terry. I mean, we are in the marketplace with

information. Example, I grant this suburb is addressed.

We could exploit this to our advantage.

Well, even you would stoop to that.

Not a question of stooping. It's a question of business survival.

I mean, it's the economics of Milton Keynes and all that.

I mean, you do this one a favour, that one a favour. What do you do for

yourself? I mean, what is in this for you?

More than you'll ever understand, Arthur.

Oh.

Yeah, it won't buy you half a lager, though, will it?

No, it's gonna buy me a pint as it happens and you're gonna get it Dave.

How have your ill -gotten gains?

I want my paint money.

Yeah, go on, splash out. No, no, no, that's not for spending, that's for

investing. No, no, no, no. All right, all right, forget it. I'll get it

Dave a pint. All right, I'll have a large vodka tea, Tom.

You are a tri -bound.

I suppose this one's all brought on by him going missing, eh? No!

Bastard come back for his clothes, didn't he?

Called all the names under the sun.

Said that he was only interested in the money and she could piss off back to her

family if she hadn't gotten it. So she reaches for the pills.

Well, I mean, what do you expect when that happens?

Can't muck the mind about.

I'll tell you something, though.

If my boys ever find him, I'll tear him apart.

That's where he lives.

Tell Benji to give him my regards.

Yeah, I will.

You can go with him if you want.

No, thanks, no.

It's a family affair.

If you want to, I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

If you keep me near, I'll be so good for you. I could be so

good.

Peace out.