Original subtitles

Thank you.

Morning, Governor.

Shammy about?

No. Is he coming back?

Don't know.

This is very nice.

I'm Mr. Daly.

Yeah. I got a meet with Shammy.

Yes. Well, where is he?

Not here.

Yeah, yeah, I gathered that. He's not here. Let's start again.

Me got meet with Shammy.

Where Shammy?

Shammy running.

Running? Oh, yeah, I know he's a bit slippery, but, I mean, where?

Bank? Betting shop? Boozer? Home?

There.

A cup of tea?

Tea. Thank you kindly. Don't you get cold. Go on, you get back to the old

and Jill.

Shall we?

Arthur!

Nice to see you.

Cup of tea? Yeah.

Roger, a cup of tea for Mr Daly, please? The old man said you were running.

Well, no, it's Arthur. Busy, busy.

You sure?

Yeah, sort of.

The old fellow, he's a bit of a peasant.

Shrewd, mind you. Probably be a millionaire in a couple of years.

Yeah, talking of millionaires.

I know what you mean, Arthur.

I've got it, I've got it.

It's monthly, right?

Right.

You did me a right favour.

Those reconditioned sewing machines turned out to be a winner.

The old values, Shammy.

They're not interested in homemade frocks in this country.

Our young marrieds, all they want is coffee mornings and can't even dye on a

sock.

The old women folk have got their priorities right.

I couldn't have shifted them in Fulham.

How is your good lady, by the way? Oh, she's fine.

Bit of trouble there. Lost her job at the casino.

Yeah, but now you're doing so well, she won't leave one, will she? I don't know

about that, Arthur. Come on, don't be modest.

I've known you a few years.

What can I say about you?

Near do well.

I'll go a bit further.

Drunk, the gambler, cheat.

Tendency to tell porkies.

All in all, you're an out -and -out villain, Shammy.

Nobody's perfect, are they, Arthur? You're all right here, though.

Because you are with your own folk. You are at home.

I'm just a Londoner. You may think that. All that dashing around up the West End

to find a lady, that wasn't you.

The reason I moved, I was getting so much ag from the old Bill, and I was

three times.

You're all right here.

It seems they know how to make a decent cup of tea, too.

I'm proud of you, Shammy.

You have got a world view, imagination.

It's ambition, I suppose.

That's lovely, isn't it?

Here you go.

Who's the lucky boy?

Pure skill, that is.

Oh, dear. Hello, sir.

Is that Arthur's winnings? No, that's Perry's winnings, son. Oh, handy.

It's my first Yankee ever. Yeah, I've done hundreds of them.

Well, I've done hundreds of them. It's the first time I've ever won, though.

I'm scared to tell.

You wouldn't like to sub me some money tomorrow?

What's happening tomorrow?

Nothing.

Yeah, go on, son.

I want to get some things.

Bread, butter, sweets for my little girl.

Hold on, hold on.

Your little girl was 29.

Well, she still likes sweets.

Sorry I'm late. You go.

Go,

go. Why?

I mean, I just had a cup of tea. Mr. Death, I have dispensed with your

Oh, yeah? And who are you?

I own this shop.

And you are too expensive.

You want to be a partner, not an employee.

Thief. Bloody thief.

He's a nutter anyway.

You've been dipping in the till.

No chance.

He keeps the keys in his bleeding pocket.

I've been really good to you.

And you. Bought you lots of customers.

There are still many things missing.

Stop lifting.

Yes. Yeah.

And they're all your friends.

You suggested he accepted checks.

Yeah. Everyone bounced.

You took deposits on, what was it, two TV sets and a music centre?

Yeah. Every address is false.

Yeah, it could happen in any shop. Fifteen videotapes are missing.

Yeah, but he doesn't organise anything, does he?

Anyway, he's a crook.

I know what you're up to, ferrying videos to Bombay. Ah, so when he goes to

Bombay, you help yourself.

You've been very foolish.

I was grooming you for higher things. I had you checked out, but... As Ajit

says...

Nothing but a thief.

I'll get me things in.

Go! Go!

Take it easy.

You're a peasant, just like the rest of them.

You might have a second ankle, Tina, but your brain's back with a bullet car.

Your Indian likes to graft.

Up at a crack of dawn, open his paper shop, get the kids off to school. I

I was up... Brick Lane. You should see that place. It's thriving.

I saw only one white face while I was there, and I think that was Lord

Attenborough. Have one yourself, Dave. Oh, char, isn't it, Dave?

So good.

I seen an Indian playing the bagpipes years ago.

And?

You wouldn't think they'd pop up.

Give it a syrup one day.

Hey, Dave, your friend and mine, old Shammy, even he's got the flavour of

work, dashing about like a good 'un. Yeah, I don't believe that.

Yeah, I met him when I was going to hospital.

He was going to have an x -ray to see if he had a day's work in him.

Yeah, he was dead worried when they brought in the three -day week. He

it was compulsory.

Now, that'll be 270.

I think I'm a slave, Dave. I'm dead out of chalk, Martha. Come on, let's have

some cash for a change. All right, all right.

You may scoff, but he is a changed man, and I

put him down to marriage.

Well, Gail's a nice bird, but I mean, he did only marry her because she had a

job. Yeah, well, she hadn't now.

Yeah, well, I bet he's half hungry.

You're so cynical, aren't you? Just because all your personal relationships

based on the physical rather than the spiritual. We have a problem, Governor.

What's that, Mr Chidham?

What, a £20 note?

No.

There's a lot of them about, apparently.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Phony as a glass eye.

Well, I didn't know I was going to take you down to Bangor. I trust the bold

Arthur is not passing off counterfeit currency.

Mr Chisholm, do you think I'd do a thing like that?

You really want me to answer that?

He's done me up like a chipper.

Who has?

Oh, yeah, a fine piece of work, this.

Any more?

No, I don't even know where I got that one from.

Half a bank cash. It must be a wind -up, you know.

Oh, you've put me in a bit of a quandary.

You've obviously broken the law.

I have not lodged a complaint, Mr Chisholm. But I have the evidence and

witness. No, no, hold on. He didn't know it was bent, did he?

That's no excuse.

Ignorance of the law. You, above all people, should know that.

Oh, come on, Mr Chisholm. I'm a victim of circumstances.

All right.

Where did you get it?

I don't know. I'm a businessman. I mean, money passes through my hands hour by

hour. Me too, sometimes.

Incidentally, half of you still owe me £2 .70.

Dave, please. This is a crisis.

Yeah, I know. I'm out of pocket. Stick it in the book.

He's getting longer than gone with the winter.

Hello there, Charlie.

You have an obligation as a citizen.

It is your duty to help your local police.

He's asking you to grass.

That's right.

I suppose that's a dirty word in your tiny vocabulary.

That's right.

What's wrong with giving us a bit of information occasionally?

I don't understand you people.

No, you don't, do you? It's like the old school tie.

Oh, yeah.

That's why half of them will grass their grannies.

I'm inclined to agree there, Mr Chisholm.

I blame the media, newspapers.

I mean, if you can't rob a bank, you can write an article about it for the

Sunday papers, can't you? Not that I would know those sort of people, you

understand?

Sir, it's lengthy.

So?

You didn't... Go.

See you later.

Search me, Mr Chisholm.

I might.

All kinds of things would leap to the eye. You're not going to keep that, are

you? Well, of course.

You weren't thinking of using it, were you? No, no, no, no.

Were you?

No.

Hiya, love.

You're early.

What's up?

Lunch.

This is a joke, this sewing machine.

Well, that's down to offer, isn't it?

Mrs Patel knocked on the door. It doesn't work either.

Yeah, what's up with the phone?

What do you think?

Oh, they can't do that. Not without a phone.

They did. Two bills and a final demand.

I can't work without a phone.

You can use the one in the shop.

You are going back?

Er, no. I've resigned.

Oh, no.

How can you resign?

You've only been there five minutes.

I've changed my mind, haven't I?

Anyway, it wasn't right for me. I'm more executive material.

Well, it was a start after eight years. It wasn't right for me.

Now, I'm not a worker.

I'm me.

You could have married a bus conductor.

Yeah, but I didn't.

Did I?

Anyway, I've got to get to a phone.

Got any change?

No money.

I've got money.

Plenty of dough.

Oh. Well, can I have some of the gas, would you, and I can settle the phone

bill? Yeah, of course you can. Anyway, got to dash. See you later.

See you. Oh, I'm going to my mum's this evening.

Well, don't wait.

See you, love. Bye.

And then you go and lose the syrup. God knows where he's got to.

Well, he ain't going to spend it, though, is he?

I mean, any idiot could tell those notes are rookie.

Oh, I took them.

Exactly, yeah. But you've got to be some special kind of idiot, haven't you? I

trusted that rotten shammy.

You reckoned he was a changed man, didn't you? That is because I've got

compassion in my heart. Oh, yeah. And I don't want any soft stuff from you,

either. The old one, too. I want to see him spattered all over the pavement.

Teeth in the gutter, claret.

Everywhere. Not a perfectly reasonable explanation.

How could he? What he'd done was inhuman.

It's only 500.

Only 500? We are talking about trust.

I don't give them bills, invoices, receipts. I give them my hand and my

Yeah, well, they'd prefer a guarantee, wouldn't they? I'll give them my honour.

Right, well, you know what to do.

Yeah, I'll have a chat with him. No, no, no, I told you, the man needs a

spanking. Arthur. Look, don't you Arthur me. I'm not asking you to ang draw and

quarter him. Just reasonable retribution.

Good, haven't you ever seen Clint Eastwood?

Yeah, but I've lost my magnum, haven't I?

Well, are you coming in? No, no, no, you'll be better on your own.

Terry,

Terry, he's out here.

Got a bullet from him there, you know. He's up the street there. Oh, yeah.

don't let him get away. Hey, hey, hey!

What's your gain, then, eh?

I didn't know it was you, Tom.

Who do you think it was, Sebastian Bleeding Co?

There's so many people.

How's Arthur?

Are you the man from the council?

Certainly not, madam.

I've got him.

How do you want me to hold him while you hit him on what?

What a deplorable suggestion, Terry. What made you think of that?

You said you wanted him splattered all over the pavement.

No, not me. No, no, we're civilised people.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, isn't there, Shammy? Oh,

yeah. Of course there is, Arthur. I can't imagine what it is, but I'm quite

prepared to listen to it.

So shall we to the nearest rubber dump?

There might be people in there I don't want to see, Arthur.

There are people here you don't want to see, Sunshine.

Well, you'll just have a little shifty, eh? Or as you say, a deco.

It's OK.

Go on in, then.

I was pressing.

I bought them.

Five are for each note.

Oh, that's nice.

And you told me that shop was yours. I never did. Yes, you did. Did I?

To be honest, I must have been lying.

Look, you bought some sewing machines over here. I owed money.

Ordinary debt.

You know, playing cards, GGs, gap bill, rates.

Simple thing.

I worry about Gail. She works so hard. We went down to Eastbourne for the

weekend. I borrowed the dough.

I needed some shoes. You know what it's like, tell.

Oh, yeah, I know what it's like, yeah. Haven't you got any assets?

Nothing. I'm one of nature's debtors.

I was in the red from birth.

Aren't you ashamed?

Yeah, I am. I am.

I've got a possibility.

Oh, yeah.

I'm thinking of going into show business.

What pattern, mate?

Oh, movies.

Videos.

Do you want me to cut you in? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love that.

They make more films over there than in Hollywood.

Look, all I'm interested in is my 500.

Don't you trust me? Look, let me explain.

The big money is over there in India, right?

Not here. They ain't got the facilities over there. The government hates videos.

You get the master tape of a brand -new Indian film, take it over to Bombay,

sell it, a licence to print money. Yeah, you know all about that, don't you? All

right, so I needed some easy money.

Well, like you've always said, if you want money, you've got to work for it.

said that?

Yeah. Well, I think... Anyway, that's what I'm doing. It's a brand -new film

called Storm Over Kathmandu. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It's like Dallas, E .T., Gandhi all put together.

Well, they like family films over there, don't they? So you're going to be rich?

Yeah. Come on, Terry.

Oh, yeah, but I need some more. I know what you're going to say. You need some

money. What? Oh, goodbye.

Terence, this man is molesting me. Oh, but this is the best offer you've had

day. You are importuning me.

Oh, look, it's a measly pound.

There's a bylaw to protect us against people like you. Oh, come on. Terry.

Terry, you understand, don't you? Listen, for once in his life, he might

right. Well, why can't people trust me?

You? Oh, all right, I'll tell a couple of porkies now and then.

Now and then, it's all the time, innit? Yeah, but I've never hurt anyone, Tom,

and you know that.

Come on.

Look, all I'm asking for is half an hour of your time tomorrow. 30 minutes,

that's all. Jam jar, ain't it? All right, all right, all right. Yeah, pick

the tape.

Terrific. Great, you're one of the good guys, Tom. Yeah.

Bye, Arthur.

Oh, no. Oh, jeez. Look, I'm in the middle of a business discussion. I

It looks

like a real driving school car.

It is.

No disrespect, Arthur, but what's all that about approved?

Oh, they all have that.

Yeah, but approved by who? By me.

Oh, yeah.

I get it.

That's gonna be a win of this.

Incidentally, have you got a license for me, just in case?

In case of what? In case I get a pull.

I had a license years ago. You know what? You came here as a bona fide

instructor. I never said that. I taught me brother.

Your brother is in Mason jail.

Yeah, not for a driving offence.

Stolen motor.

Nothing wrong with his driving. That was as sweet as a nut.

You misled me.

You must have been Brahms that night.

I never said anything about being a bona fide instructor.

All I said was anybody could do it.

Look, I guarantee tomorrow I'll have all the credentials you want, eh? And a

driving licence.

Oi, where's that tea?

All right, all right, it's coming.

Did you take some £20 notes out of that box?

Yeah.

I took 40 quid for the bills.

What, and they took him?

Why not?

Oh, no, Shammy, they weren't dads, were they?

Yeah, well, there's hundreds of them about, innit?

They even gave me change.

Well, we got a result then, didn't we?

You don't care, do you?

Oh, don't start all that. I'm having a bit of bad luck at the moment.

Well, there's even more. Some other bloke was trying to get hold of you.

Kamal or somebody. Oh, him.

Fifty quid ten days ago.

I tell you, that's the last time I ever borrow any money off him.

Why can't you work like all the other Indians?

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would.

I mean, you don't even like curry.

Everybody likes curry.

And you got all these romantic ideas about the East, didn't you? Taj Mahal.

Well, you thought the Taj Mahal was a calf up Brick Lane.

And you watch too much television.

Now, be nice to me, eh?

I'm going to have a great day. I'll just know it.

Oh, that's tough. See you later, love.

Bye. You ring.

Bye.

15 of them.

300. Why didn't you check?

No, you don't, do you? You don't expect that, not from somebody with a scalp

condition.

Did you describe him?

Yes, well, he is, at this moment, weathering a Roger Moore.

One of our more popular lines, and completely waterproof.

Waterproof? Yes, sir, keeps the rain off.

What for?

They're brains.

You can swim.

You know, Roger Moore, using our special exclusive adhesive.

Apart from glue on his scalp, any other distinctive features?

No, no. I'd say nondescript, give or take.

Scarred moles, big hooter, dodgy eye.

No, no, as I say, nondescript.

Face in the crowd, ordinary.

Mind you, I'd recognise his scalp anywhere.

Unfortunately, we don't have a file on him. Crane imprints.

Well, there was one thing. Could be a clue.

He left his old work here.

A cheap nylon hairpiece, circa 1972.

An early envelope at Humperdinck, I should tell you.

In need of renovation.

Renovation?

You've got real dandruff.

It's not in the best of condition.

I've seen better looking rats down the old east end here, Doc.

Yeah, Jones, try it on.

Me? What have I done?

Do you want a list?

We're trying to picture the face beneath this apparition. Now, try it on.

I feel all right, Burke, yeah?

True, true.

The syrup.

What? Sir at my feet.

Who? A character known to the police.

Oh, aye. I'll take this Irish into custody.

I've got a plastic bag or something.

Of course.

You got a suspect?

Yes. Well, you could say he has a price on his head.

That's an amazing bit of deduction, Sergeant.

By the way, have you ever thought about a happy issue yourself?

Well, we are receding a little, sir, aren't we?

We get by.

I'm sure you do, but it can be disabling.

Socially, I mean.

Professionally, even.

I think, sir, his macho image might be greatly enhanced with a Burt Reynolds,

one of our ranks, or even a Starsky.

Very popular for the upper ranks down at the yard.

I was going to suggest that to you, Gareth. No way. Yes.

No.

No, not really.

Shall I take the plastic bag?

Keep it running, Top. I'll only be a minute.

I got away with it.

How about that?

Did you nick that video?

Me?

Of course not.

What are you so excited about, then? I'm not.

Why do you keep looking out the back window, then? I wasn't.

Come on, let's go to your place.

My place? What's wrong with yours?

They're after me, aren't they? Who?

Everyone.

Well, it serves you right.

All right, what about after?

Listen, son, you'd have to pay him back that 500 quid plus 100 % interest before

you could even sleep on his floor.

Oh,

yeah. All right, I know.

Not far from where you live.

The boat here?

No, no, no, just him, just one.

Any luggage?

No, it's at the station.

£30 a night, in advance.

Any room service?

Yeah, continental breakfast, £2 extra.

And you can have a curry across the road.

Cheers. Number 57, down the end of the passage.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, but she's here now, Smudger.

Your first pupil.

Well, how long's that going to take?

Well, quick as you can, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, my dear, one of my instructors has been delayed.

Should only be about half an hour, though.

Well, can't you take me?

Well, no. I am the principal.

You can drive, can't you?

Young lady, I have personally taught the highest and the low.

From advanced motorists to people who don't know the difference between a slip

differential and a windscreen wiper.

Well, you'll do, then, or I'll go.

Have you actually put down a deposit?

No, I want that new introductory offer. Ten less than sixty sold.

Oh, yes, certainly, my dear, certainly.

What's all that about?

Oh, you can't be too careful.

Well, give them back, then. No, no, no, no, that's perfectly all right.

What am I, the Phantom Folger?

No, no, no, of course not.

Shall we? Oh, I know the rudiments.

I mean, I failed my test four times. They're all against me.

Who are? All of them. They don't like my attitude.

No, no, no.

Young lady, you must do this right.

Have you checked your door, your seatbelt, and made sure the gear lever

neutral? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I haven't finished yet. Now, I noticed right away that you had

missed a crucial point.

Now, you must remember, your mirror is your best friend.

We're in the yard.

It doesn't matter. It should be automatic.

Where are you going?

I don't know. Get a break. Get a break. I don't know why you're getting so

excited. about?

I'm not excited, my dear.

You must realise that it is very difficult to stop the motor if you have

your foot on the accelerator.

Now, let us go out nice and easy. Not yet.

Not yet.

Right,

right. Now, a nice bit of clutch work.

Easy gear change.

And we go left.

Left.

I said left.

Left.

Gently.

Oh, my God. We drive on the left in this country.

I said left.

It don't matter.

I think it does. You see, if I say left and you go right... Oh, my God, brake!

Brake!

Very good, Denise.

Oh, he's taking my number. Drive on.

You see, Denise, you may not think it's important that when I say left, you go

right. And, of course, I suppose, cosmically, it isn't. But to mere

myself, it gets confusing.

Sod it, then. We're going.

Look where you're going!

Mr. Daly. Ta -da!

You all right, Arthur?

Hot sweet tea.

Hot sweet tea.

You look a bit uncle to me.

You all right?

That sounds a bit strange, after all.

Never mind about that.

Sammy's had a result.

Yeah, that film he was talking about, he reckons he ought to see you.

Yeah, but every time I see him, it costs me money.

All right, all right, I'll see him.

But I am not in the best of health.

Yeah.

Bye -bye.

I'd like to see Mr Gopal, who checked in earlier today.

Oh, yeah, at number 57, down the end of Passageway. OK.

500? A ticket to Bombay, that's all. You hear this? This is the man who already

owes me. Yeah, but look, he's got this master tape, hasn't he?

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Oh, sounds like a good deal, doesn't it? How are your investments these days,

eh? How is the old portfolio?

What are you into?

Bricks and mortar, commodities, unit trusts?

You don't know nothing about business.

Well, don't ask me then.

No, I won't. Look, I don't think you understand what he's saying. I know

perfectly well what he's saying. He's saying he wants to go to Bombay and buy

videotape. That's not it.

I'm not buying, I'm selling.

That is what I said. No, you didn't. Look.

This is the biggest thing since sliced bread or instant rice.

Storm over Kathmandu.

Look, every village in India has got a video, but they can't get a new film.

I've got to do is take the master over to Bombay, hand it over to a certain

bloke, he'll flood the market.

We'll be rich.

Well, 100 grand, now that's rich for me.

I told you you didn't understand him. A ticket to Bombay and a couple of quid

for hotel and food. That's all. And Bob's your uncle.

Indian, you reckon?

Of that persuasion, I would say.

Well, we can't have Indians messing up our currency, can we? What room?

Number 57, at the end of the passage.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, that's all right, but thanks.

You see, there's just one little problem if we let you go to Bombay.

We may never see you again.

I don't even like the food, Harper.

You can help me or not.

Oh, hello.

My birthday.

What a surprise, Mr Jones, meeting you here.

You haven't introduced your friend yet.

Oh, he's not my friend. He's a friend of Terry's. Oh.

Yeah, this is Detective Constable... You are Detective Constable, aren't you?

Detective Constable Jones... Oi!

He's in a bit of hurry, though.

Well, what do you think?

They're often men.

You've got the tape?

Yeah, I've got the tape. What time is it?

Five o 'clock. Oh, great.

You're taking a chance coming here, aren't you?

Well, aren't you?

I haven't done anything, have I?

You've got a fire on, haven't you?

Yes. Yeah, it's there.

That copper was only after the notes, not the tape.

Why didn't you go home?

Oh, what do you think? They're after me, aren't they?

The street's all bleeding, mate.

Was it on with Arthur, me going to Bombay?

Oh, God knows, mate.

Pity. I thought they were rather good.

Oh, terrific, weren't they?

Nearly got you nicked, me and Arthur.

Have you ever thought of getting a job?

No.

No, no, no. Sorry, sorry.

Morning.

Morning, Sergeant.

Morning, girl.

I see from the duty book there was an incident with a £20 note.

Again.

I ran after the man, but he got away.

And when I got back, Daly had gone.

Daly?

Aye.

And his friend.

You had him banged to rights and he got away?

You haven't done anything.

May I outline the scenario so far?

During the last 48 hours, Arthur Daly has passed a counterfeit £20 note. In

well -known den of thieves, the Winchester, among the company was a

character known as the Syrup.

who a few hours later uses 15 bent 20s to turn over a wig maker and make off in

a Roger Moore look -alike toupee. Last night, at a down -market hotel, Arthur

Day was seen with a person unknown who passed counterfeit money. I ask myself,

is this mere fortuitousness?

I think not.

I agree, Cass.

certain things in life that are more important than Nick and Arthur Daly.

But for the moment, I can't think of any.

He is a thorn in my flesh.

A tickle in my throat.

I had hair when I started on this manor.

I don't approve of his pathetic, trivial wheezes.

Goldfish.

Albanian sparkling wine.

Flood -damaged bathing suits.

You got a laugh, though, haven't you?

No.

Well, he got that microwave for our canteen.

Burnt offerings.

Aye.

The idea of him circulating dodgy 20 -pound notes, it's incredible.

Even better.

He was printing currency of the realm.

Oh, that's a staggering thought, Gerv.

Awesome.

Right, on your bike. What? I've got an appointment with the tame magistrate.

Warren's awful of content.

Won't he just? Now, just a minute, Garth. I'm off duty in five minutes. No,

you're not.

Oh, dear.

Gave me quite a little turn, then.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

Buying or selling?

Please, open the door and enter.

That's just what I was going to do.

Can I help you?

Oh, uh...

Absolutely.

It's funny seeing you. I was down Brick Lane the other day.

Um, you, uh, brothers?

Brothers in arms.

Ah.

I understand you have an article of mine.

Me?

Shammy stole my tape, but he was accompanied by your employee. I want it.

Please.

Sit down.

There's no nonsense about this. We're going to search this place.

Piece by piece, brick by brick.

Oh, and eventually, bone by bone.

Begin.

Look, I haven't got it.

Very careful.

And if we don't find it here, we'll do the same to McCann.

Would you like a cigar?

No. So?

Well, among other things, I'm also a wholesale tobacconist.

Oh, this could be your lucky day. Would you be interested in eight grocers'

cigarillos? Argentina, actually.

But, you know, with the political backlash, a bit difficult to shift them.

Thank you.

Well, there's many other things here that could be of interest.

I own.

Three corner shops, four news agents, a couple of do -it -yourself shops.

Paint, five -litre pots.

Perfect for your handyman, as used by the local council. We call it

institutional green.

They

don't

like it, you know.

Warrants.

I'll wait to see Daly's boat race.

Be on the old trombone in two minutes. To whom? Oh, the whole team.

Busybodies.

Release.

Samaritans.

Exit.

Gay rights.

Not mine.

No, no, no, it's not.

God, with the wind.

There's a lot of other things in this place.

Catch a thief.

One of the greats.

Shall I mark your card?

Oh, you mean this one? No, no, no, no, no. It's not the title. What I'm trying

to say is these videos are from a different era.

Really? Yeah.

Well, Mr. Daly, I'm going to mark your card.

You know about Gandhi?

Oh, yeah, one of your own. Great little man. He believed in passive resistance.

Yeah, we could do with a bit more of that these days.

Not me.

Oh, well, there's still some Indians who believe in turning the other cheek and

the meek shall inherit the earth.

But there's another tradition, Arthur.

Oh, you don't mind my calling you Arthur, do you?

Well, no, it's an honour.

Warriors, for example.

Juggernauts. What, lorries?

Thuggy.

Those chaps could certainly have a good row.

Do you get my drift?

In other words...

Well,

to use rather an apt expression, you're up the kibah.

No, no, I think you mean I'm up the swanny. You've got ten seconds.

Look, you've got it all wrong.

Six. Listen... Oh, hello, Mr Chisholm. How nice to see you.

What's this, a Dutch auction?

Or even a doolally auction.

Do you know Detective Sergeant Chisholm, a leading light in the thin blue line

around here?

I suppose you have a lot of business to do. Good morning, Mr. Daly.

Good morning.

And you, Sergeant.

Cello. Cello.

See you, boys.

McCann.

Joldy. Cello.

What are you selling now?

Second -hand top of thems.

No, I like to do my bit for racialist relationships.

That bloke last night, he was Indian.

What? The bloke in the hotel.

Now he tells me. Was he amongst that lot?

And don't say they all look the same.

No, definitely not him.

So what is this bond between you and our Asian brothers, hmm?

Only the other day, over in Brick Lane, bending our ears in the Winchester

about... What's his name?

Shammy. Is that the connection?

Never heard of him. Oi, oi, hold on, hold on. That was a personal affair.

Oh, come on, Mr Chisholm, that's a bit presumptuous.

I do have some rights, you know. Like what?

You are trespassing on private property unless you have a magistrate search

warrant sworn, signed and sealed.

All right.

Want to phone the law centre?

Citizen's advice?

Channel 4.

I think the best thing you should do is sit down.

Or better still... Kneel down and pray that we don't find anything.

Look, Mr Chisholm, what have I done?

All sorts of things. I was hoping to find a printing press.

Print? Why?

Well, somebody must be printing these 20 -pound notes.

Would I do that? Probably. Oh, come on, Mr Chisholm. All these years you've

known me. Yes.

Miss Selfridge.

You do anything for a pound or a penny.

For a 20 -pound note, you mortgage your soul.

Oh, that is an offensive remark, Mr Chisholm. I've been saving that one up.

Why have I come to see you?

A man is impersonating Roger Moore.

Sundry Indians booking to hotels.

What is the common denominator?

All roads lead to Daly.

Oh. Oh, in that case, you'd better search, then. You carry on.

You, uh... You found anything yet?

All kinds of remarkable things.

Everlasting pencils.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't buy any of them. That's just a gimmick.

Scotch.

Loch -aim?

Loch -aim?

Jews say that.

Yeah, that is for discerning Jewish scotch drinkers. I cater for all

Hello? It's me.

I'm with Shammy.

He wants some dough to get his ticket.

There's a flight this afternoon. We'll shoot over, OK?

Why don't you... Who's that?

You know me, Terence.

Did you say Shammy? Is that her Indian friend?

What a matter with you people. Don't you trust us?

Go over to McCann's, please.

I'll stay here with a bold Arthur just in case McCann is stupid enough to drop

in for a cup of tea.

Why shouldn't he?

The only folding I'm holding was rolled off by Her Majesty.

There you go. Cheers.

You got your passport?

Could be a secret panel.

Oh, yeah.

We might find all kinds of things. Yeah, and Damp will be one of them.

There's a screwdriver over there.

Bent. Only slightly.

Zero, dear.

As you say, Arthur.

Damp. You'll have to get the builders in.

What was it?

Nothing. You're not complaining about my behaviour, are you?

Certainly not. I don't know. It's like having a pill of the hum. It's a tea.

She's a nutcase, Harper, no question about it. A nutcase.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, Harper.

Not your lucky day.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah. A ticket to a small fortune.

That's the best thing that ever happened to me. My first Yankee, ever.

How'd you pull that out?

Just bouncing them. I just knew.

Thanks. Jeez. Right, it's just luck, then.

Don't knock it. Am I going to have the same luck with you, eh?

Me?

Yeah, you.

You going to stitch me up? You going to do a runner with my dough, eh?

Or are you going to remember how far we go back?

Remember, Shammy, page one is you don't knock your mates.

No, I'm trusting you.

And I'm the only one who does.

I won't let you down, Tal.

Send us a postcard, eh?

It's very quiet without Arthur, isn't it?

You fancy him having an early night, don't you?

The only time he'd done that before was the first night of his honeymoon.

He had you a cup of syrup.

What do you reckon?

Handsome, eh?

All right, I'll give him. What have you come as?

Roger Moore.

That's Roger Moore, look.

It's my new identity.

I've cleaned up my act, as they say.

Nobody recognises me.

I recognise you, sir. Yeah?

You had to think about it for a minute, didn't you?

Give me a large brandy, Dave.

Coming up.

You know, I'll always be grateful for Arthur.

Yeah, well, he don't see it that way.

He reckons you nicked his money.

How could I?

It wasn't real money, was it?

He's got a point there, hasn't he? I mean, Arthur couldn't have spent it,

he? He would have thought of a way, wouldn't he?

In fact, I'd done him a favour.

If he'd had the dough in his pocket, she then would have nicked him.

I mean, to be fair, obviously I'd give him a drink again.

I think you'd rather have 500 sobs.

You know that mirror's out of order, don't you?

Brilliant, isn't it?

I might even get a job.

A newscaster.

No, no. An executive?

I've got a suit.

And I owe you a score as well, from the betting shop.

Come on, listen, you might have a license to kill somebody. There's no

you're getting away with that. Oh, I don't know.

How about this?

Here you go, syrup. Nice try,

syrup.

You don't look a bit like Roger Moore, not in a million years.

Thrilled to bits, though, hasn't he? He didn't even mind when Chisholm nicked

him. That was the right result, him getting off like that. I don't know how

managed it.

I can see his face when Chisholm... Hey, hold up, hold up. Look who's here.

We're not leading typical, eh? He disappears for weeks on end and then

old woman.

If she wants money, she's your friend.

Hello, love. Hello.

Hello, dear. Good news, like Shammy's got malaria or curry poisoning?

Terry, that's Shor's. He cabled it and he's having a great time. He didn't get

as much as he thought, but even so.

Why isn't he coming home, then?

He loves it. I'm going over as well. Bought me a ticket.

I thought he'd only gone for the day.

Yeah, but he reckons he likes it. He's got a job.

It's the heat. It's affecting his brain.

Anyway, there's two grand there for you, Terry, and he said to say thanks.

Got to dash. Bye.

Hello, Tudor.

That's you.

What do you mean, two grand? Five hundred of that is mine.

Yeah, and fifteen hundred is mine.

Why? I had all the aggravation.

You what? You'd better check those notes. It might run in the family. Nah,

they're all right.

Well, at least count them.

They're all right.

20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Very good. 120,

140,

160, 180.

200. 240.

Sorry, I miscounted. 160, 280.

I'll start again. Right.

If you want to, I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.