Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

Be so good for

you.

Love you like you want me to.

All right, Arthur?

Not so bad, Billy. How's yourself?

Stockroom looks a bit barren, my son.

Yeah, business is a bit thin at the moment.

Say no more.

Billy and Nigel, loose -tailed, bald enterprises at your service.

Only this lot's fallen off the bat with some rather high -class garment vans.

No, not today, lads, not today. You don't believe me?

Look, please.

Dior, Artnell, Jager, Ardianis, Burberry.

Ah.

The names have been removed to protect the innocent. You can take them from me.

They're all there. That's as may be, but who's going to protect me if these

goods are not what you say they are? Arthur.

Would I unload garbage on you?

These dresses have got... tone.

Yeah, you know that, and I can see that.

But it's not everyone who's got my eye for the finer things.

He's a sad fact, Billy. The average pumper wouldn't know a bit of class if

came up and smacked him in the eye.

Growny. I mean, these may be the real McCoy, but people are so suspicious.

But would anyone doubt your word, Arthur?

Well, that's my point. How do I spread the word? Given the origin of these

garments, I can't exactly advertise, can I?

Get it like this.

Advertise is itself.

Remember those class Italian jeans we put your way? What were they called

Nigel? Ferrucci.

Were they sellers or what?

Yeah, I did manage to keep my head above water in that little transaction.

Leave off, Arthur. With that sort of brand name, you could have sold them ten

times over, even if they'd all had one leg missing.

All right, all right. So they were popular?

Popular, the man's a joker. You were embarrassed by the money you made on

deal. Listen, Billy, where money's concerned, it takes a lot to embarrass

That's what I'm saying.

And these are even more upmarket.

At a price we're asking, all you need is a contact at the quality end of the

fashion trade to point you in the right direction, and you'll end up with a

profit that'll have you blushing for a week.

Hello, Kev.

How you going, mate?

You still in the pub, game?

Yeah. That's why I'm phoning you.

Listen, how are you fixed for work?

Well, I'm not exactly rushed off my feet.

Good.

Then I've got a proposition that might interest you.

Go easy with that shamrock. You nearly have my head off with it.

Look, I've been put in charge of a new boozer and we're opening Saturday night.

Mind them harps!

They're only polystyrene.

Listen, I can't talk now. Can you come over and see me?

I'm on the Kilburn High Road.

The Blarney Stone.

Boris, Bob, is it?

How did you get?

The only thing is, Kilburn's a bit of a slip for me.

My mouth is out of commission.

Look, get a minicab. I'll bum you for it.

Oh, no.

Not plastic leprechaun.

There's got to be a limit.

Listen, I'll have to go now.

Speak to you later.

Bye.

Well, that'll coat you, Terry.

I want you to drive me somewhere.

Well, you lost the use of your arms and legs, have you? No, no, no. I've got a

bit of merchandise and need something, too.

I see. So you thought you'd iron it up the old pack, I would say.

What? Listen, I could go potty in there waiting for any sign of life from you.

Listen, I've been having a thin time, too, you know.

Oh. So now you thought you'd come round, click the old fingers and up I jump.

Well, forget it. I've got an appointment.

Where?

Kilburn, if you must know.

Well, that's all right. We do our business up west and then we go on to

Nah. Come on, Terry. There's only a few frocks.

I tell you what, I'll drive you.

You drop me off later? Yeah, yeah, of course.

You know, Terry, sometimes I despair of this once great nation of ours. Here we

go, Arthur's lament.

But, I mean, look at that. Look at it. I mean, this country's supposed to be on

its knees.

It's nice to know the wheels of commerce still grind nobly on. Yeah, backbone of

the nation, isn't it?

But, I mean, it's because of industries like this that we can hold our heads up.

Yeah, but it's hardly the answer to mass unemployment and raging inflation, is

it? Follow me.

What the fuck?

Oi!

Terry, this lift's a bit pokey. It won't take two of us all in boxes. I'll see

you up there.

Second floor, Ronald Shivers, Fashion Associates. Just don't...

Oh,

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I'll get back on top, eh? Oh, it's all right. I'll take you. Where are you

going? Second floor, Shivers.

Shivers? It's the saliva.

Good morning, my dear. Is the Shivers in?

He's expecting you.

Daily, after daily. I rang earlier.

Do you have an appointment?

No, no, no. We're old friends. Don't bother to show me through. I'll give

nice surprise.

Sorry, you can't go.

It's all right, Pippa, dear.

I'll announce them.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

This is more or less not a clientele I had in mind.

I shouldn't be surprised a bit of nobility amongst this lot.

I didn't recognise anyone.

No, no, I mean your minor nobility. Count so -and -so and Baron such -and

Lord Elvis.

Yeah.

The Japanese adore that type of dress. You'll notice the tissue.

Slap this, Ronnie, you naughty boy. You've been fluttering on the GGs again,

haven't you?

Sorry, darling?

Are you bookmakers here to collect his ill -gotten gains?

Bookmaker?

Do excuse me, Mrs Penrose. I'll be right back. Take that.

Ronnie. What are you trying to do, ruin me?

I mean, I'm trying to entertain clients, and I have to contend with you turning

my showroom into a warehouse. Now, what's it all about, Arthur? Just give

five minutes, Ronnie. You'll be glad I dropped by.

Cop this.

Five minutes?

Zoe, take over for five minutes.

I wanted to ask him how he thought I'd look in this.

You've done very well for yourself, Ronnie. In fact, I'm thinking of

the fashion side of my business. You know, move with the people who matter.

Oh, do me a favour, Arthur.

I'm a top fashion agent. I represent the work of some of the best designers in

the country.

Ideally top class, ready to wear.

Not your cheap and nasty high street tat.

Do you call Dior and Norma Hartnell high street tat? Is that what they're

supposed to be?

What do you mean, supposed?

I wouldn't have thought a man in your position needed labels to recognise

quality. Quite right, and I tell you, what you've got there has never been

paraded down a top -class catwalk.

How can you tell? The three Fs.

Eh?

Fibre, fabric and finish. Come on, I'll show you.

Now, these are all the genuine article.

Natural wool, natural silk and crape de chine.

But what you've got there, I mean, it's...

It's all synthetic mixtures.

I mean, look at it. I mean, look.

You've even got a bit of nylon lace on that one.

And look at the buttonholes, the lining, the stitching.

It's all machined.

Well, of course it's all machined. How else would it be done?

By hand.

I mean, it's all hand -sewn on my garments. Look at that. Lovely.

All hand -sewn.

Look, Ronnie, I have it from a reliable source that all this stuff is kosher.

Kosher?

Well, they're not bad imitations, Arthur.

But kosher?

It goes on all the time.

And it's people like my designers who are usually on the receiving end of

rackets like this.

Especially at this time of year.

A couple of weeks before the start of a new season and you're in danger of a

little moonlight visit.

Yeah, but the clothes you hand are ever so unique. I mean, they'd be easily

traceable. Yeah, but it's not the clothes they're after.

It's the ideas.

Once they get their hands on a collection, well, it's flown off to

like Hong Kong.

The design has changed, well, ever so slightly.

sort of pocket here, flat change there.

Then the new range is made up on the cheap in some sweatshop and then flown

here and marketed as an original collection.

It seems to me that what you need is someone to mine all this gear

a bit informally.

You've got someone in mind?

Yeah, my business associate outside, Terence McCann.

Are you telling me you think he'd make a reliable night watchman? Absolutely.

With Terry on apprentices, midnight creeping will become obsolete.

Well, it sounds interesting. Go on, Arthur.

Ronnie, get out here. I can't take any more of this pain.

Terry, have you been annoying this young lady?

It's not him.

Tallulah Banker's outside. Two more minutes and we're off. Don't worry, she

wait for a while. Now, come in and meet Arthur Daly.

Arthur, this is Zoe.

Hello, my dear. Model, are you? No, dressmaker.

Oh. She is, in fact, a very talented designer.

This is her first season for us. I do, of course, handle more established

If you can find them under the cobwebs.

Yes, what our star turn is trying to say, Arthur, is that all the other

collections are safe, predictable.

There's not one idea amongst the old bunch that anyone wants to steal.

Lovely Zoe.

Well, she's that rare thing.

Original.

Public recognition at last.

Yeah, that's why I want McCann to forget about everything else in my showroom

and pay special attention... To Zoe's dresses.

Who what?

What's he talking about?

Yeah, do you want to explain something to me, Arthur? No, no, no, Terry, Terry.

Ronnie's been explaining for the last five minutes. Yeah, and I was outside,

remember? All right, look. It seems someone would like to get their hands on

Zoe's collection and take it for a walk. So you're going to be minding it for a

couple of weeks. Oh, so that's what you're here for, eh? Ronnie's high of

muscle. Don't you worry your head about that, my dear.

Yeah, well, I know all about hard men and the kind of people they run errands

for.

Right, well, the only thing to talk about now is the fee.

Wait outside, Terry. No, you'd better start talking. No, not now, Terry.

I can't do it.

I'll be out there in a minute.

Mr Daly, I think he's flipped his lead.

Terry?

Terry! Go away, I don't want to talk to you.

What have I done now?

That's just it, isn't it? You don't know, do you? Well, tell me.

Oh, I think what I say counts now all of a sudden, does it?

Get in, Terry.

We'll discuss it on the way to Kilburn.

No, thank you. I'll get there under my own steam.

Wait!

You see that? He nearly had my wing.

Get out of the bus lane, then.

Bus lanes.

There's not enough congestion on the road already.

Come on, Terry.

Give it a miss. It's too much like aggravation.

There will be some aggravation if I get in that motor with you.

I'm in a bus.

It'll do me.

Move along inside. What's that? Oi!

Don't worry, Terry. There'll be another one along in half an hour.

So what did you say you got to see this bloke about?

I didn't. But as you've been fishing for the last three miles, you might as well

know I've got a little work lined up. Eh?

What do you mean, work?

You can't go freelance.

Why not?

Well, because there are certain rules and protocol that have to be observed.

Oh, yeah, like the one that says you can get your sticky little fingers into

anything I earn?

Well, forget it. From now on, I'm on my own.

Terry, let us not be headstrong about this now.

So, look, is it green enough for you?

How are you, mate?

Not so bad.

Yourself? Yes, much of that, sure.

How much do I owe you, pal?

What for?

He thinks you're a cab driver. It's the last of daily, mate of mine.

A business associate.

Kevin O 'Hara.

That's handy.

Saved me a taxi fare.

Uh -uh. There may be other Xs to be considered, though. Do what?

Well, depending on the fee for the job.

Fifty pounds for four hours' work, see if you... Fifty sobs?

What sort of function is it? A Cray Brothers reunion?

No.

Saturday's opening night, and you'd be getting that kind of dough because you

would be the lone agent of law and order. Oh, dear, oh, Lord, Kevin. Look,

thanks for your confidence, mate, but I used to drink here, remember?

Well, it was the volunteer.

Yeah, and there was no shortage of those when it all went off, was there? Forget

the spitting sort of thing.

Oh, this is going to be a big choice.

Nobody gets in without a collar and tie.

Oh, that'll look lovely with all the wimpy and Macalpine donkey jackets,

it? For somebody with a name like McCann, you've got a funny ideal

Tal. Terry, why don't you get some drinks in?

Oh, sorry, I'm forgetting my manners.

What do you want? That's very kind of you. Vodka and slimline.

Dry martini for me, Tal?

I'll get them in, shall I?

Yeah.

Whatever you have in yourself.

Cheers.

I was banking on Terry.

Well, things are likely to get a bit naughtier than you let on, aren't they?

Great, so that's why I wanted the best.

Well, if you will negotiate with the labour force direct, what else can

Oh, no ice.

Cheers.

You think you could get them to come across?

Well, there'd be a consultancy fee.

Score.

Pony. Done.

Shows how much I need you, doesn't it?

Well, I suppose there's no way you're going to help me out with a shiver's

No. I'm not going to sit up all night in the dark.

Looking after a load of frogs.

All night in the dark?

I didn't know you were better. I'd say your bottle had gone.

Tell you what, you do my job now and again. See how you like the flavour.

Don't take no brains to have a fight.

When I was a younger man, I used to take all that nonsense in my stride.

Your bottle goes at the thought of it now. You've only been with me since I've

been up market. I used to be a bit useful.

You've got the fighting heart of a blamond. Yeah, go on, sneer.

Anyway, I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. Why not?

The blarnies don't remember.

I've just agreed to work there Saturday night, haven't I? So?

So I can't be in two places at once.

A pub job's a ten a penny.

Yeah, well, I ain't proud.

No, no.

You're too sniffy to take a soft number with a quality, though, aren't you?

The way we've been scratching around these last few weeks, I'm very tempted

do it myself.

All right, all right.

What? You stand in for me Saturday night while I'm at the boozer, and I'll do

the rest of the fortnight. No, no, no. Hold on, Terry, hold on. No, I'll be a

doddle for you, son.

Especially at your age.

Do you look at this. Oh, you're making heavy weather of that, Terry.

I'll be better off on the floor.

No, no, no, no.

Perseverance, my son. It'll be well worthwhile.

That is a top quality cab bed.

To what?

Tell you what, the winos on the embankment will get a better night's

me. Yeah, that's great. I deal for you. After I brought it along myself at no

small inconvenience.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

And look, don't worry about paying me now. I'll dock it off your wages.

You're all art, you are.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, like your fingers.

This is not very convenient, Arthur.

I trust they won't be there for long.

Of course not.

Dave, I can't leave them in the motor. They're like gold bullion. I know.

Well, I hope that the rightful owner don't turn up and claim them. I am the

rightful owner.

Oh, yeah? Of course I am.

I've got invoices, receipts, everything from customs and excise.

Foreign, are they? Yeah, some of them, yeah.

Hey, when's your good lady's birthday?

Oh, I don't know.

Cut her most time. This could be your lucky day.

I hope not.

Dave, pass over that top box, will you?

I'll show you something.

She's 12, isn't she, your good lady?

I think she's going to be 39 again.

No, no, she's a 12, Dave. Trust me. Excuse me.

No problem at all.

Now, you have a look at this. Hang on to that point, will you?

Look at that.

Isn't that beautiful?

Is it?

Of course it is.

Christine Dior.

Christian.

Well, I don't know. I suppose she could be.

Seems a nice lady.

She's a fella, Arthur.

Who told you that?

It's a well -known fact.

You don't know where you are these days, do you?

Anyway, the point is that this comes from his or her shop in Paris.

And I tell you this, Ernie Dawes will be living if I don't give her a first

refusal. Well, I think Ernie Dawes would have a first refusal. Wrong size, Dave.

Now, look, have a look at it.

This is what we call a creation.

Oh, yeah.

Looks just like a dress to me. I know, Dave. That's because you are not

with the three Fs.

I beg your pardon.

Fibre, finish and, um, what do you call it?

Um, material.

Well, that ain't an F, Arthur. Yeah, fabric, fabric. That's what we call it

the Demi Monde.

Oh, I thought it was called haute couture.

Well, yes, yes, that is a similar phrase, Dave.

I seem to be talking to someone who's a bit of an expert.

Yeah, well, I do like the thumbs through the pages of gold from time to time.

Well, in that case, have a butcher's at them buttonholes.

Buttonholes. And stitched.

Stitched up all over.

How would I do that to you, Dave?

Oh, hello, Ted. Hang on a second. You don't mind, do you?

He's about the same shape and size as your missus, isn't he? He's thinner.

Now, just hold her up there. Give me my mother.

There you go. What are people going to think? Not these days, Ted.

Look at that. Yeah, go on, give us a twirl, like the models do on the

Go on, there you go.

Get a picture, Dave.

See? Simple cocktail dress.

Formal, but casual for them little functions at the Ilton or at home with

friends. It is nice, Arthur. I'll give it. It's very nice. I thought you'd like

it. 80 cents, do you?

18 pound.

Oh, you are a wicked character, Dave. Eight tenors. That is an original. So

you, Arthur.

Seventy to you.

One more word from you, Arthur, and I'll get you to shut your slate.

Bit strong, Arthur.

You are.

I am.

Tell you what, Ted.

Do not suit you.

Yeah?

Don't fancy it, do you?

Hiya. Hello.

Here. This place stinks of vindaloo.

Yeah, that old takeaway does linger a bit, doesn't it?

It's not a bollock. It's got right into the garments.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Starve?

You didn't go out and collect it, did you?

No, I found the old Bombay grab.

I delivered it.

The Bombay grab?

Yeah. Well, tonight, McCann, no foreign food.

All right.

All right.

Fine.

I'll have fish and chips.

Lashings of salt and vinegar.

That old cigar doesn't have pen and ink, does it?

Hello?

Oh, sorry, love.

My fault, I'm not looking my way. Sorry. Terry!

Every time we meet, something falls on the floor. We ought to play pass the

parcel. I'd only drop it again. I'm still half asleep.

Half asleep? I've done a full day's work at your governor's place up west.

Meaning us creative types lie in bed half the morning.

Tell you what, you don't half look different.

Oh, my clothes.

Well, you get suited up when you go to a function, right? And when you're

working, you dress down.

And me, it's the other way around.

I'll get changed later in the day, but why should I be permanently on parade?

Yeah, but you're a fashion designer, aren't you?

You're supposed to be an odd man.

Do you walk around in odd -nailed boots all day?

Odd -nailed boots?

I thought you were supposed to know about odd men.

I've got brothers.

I've been out with fellas like you. All macho and muscle on top, marshmallows

underneath. Not me.

Art of iron, nerves of steel.

Done any boxing?

Me? Yeah. Yeah, lots.

Any good?

Well, I'm not too shabby. I was just on my way to the gym now, as it happens.

Well, that's a shame. I was about to tempt you with an offer you couldn't

refuse. A cup of instant coffee.

Well, do you live around here, then?

Number 13.

Eh?

I tell you what, I might pop in on the way home.

They'll take you up on your offer.

Yeah.

Are the aimers on my rails, Arthur?

That's all I'm short of.

Look, Jerry, look at that.

I mean, look, go on, have a look. Show me a single fault in the workmanship.

It's not that, Arthur.

If I put those alongside my regular stock, I'll have the law round here in

time flat.

Well, sell your own labels in.

No.

It's too upmarket for me.

This ain't Harrods, you know.

Now, tell me, where did you learn to be a designer, eh?

Oh, school.

Oh, school, really?

Well, do you enjoy it, do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's what I'm good at, isn't it?

And it gives one the chance to mix with a better class of person.

You didn't seem too impressed with him yesterday.

Oh, come on, that lot.

That lot made me want to start scratching.

What about Shivers? I mean, you're not too fond of him either, are you?

No, not a lot.

So why did I get involved with him?

Well, the thought had flitted across my mind, yeah.

How can I explain it to you?

When you were in boxing, how much did you make on a good night?

A good night? I don't know.

About 200 quid, I suppose.

And the promoters?

Yeah, I know what you mean. A lot more than that.

And how many of them blokes are still making a living fighting, eh?

What, now? None of them, I wouldn't think.

No, but the promoters are still going strong, aren't they?

It's a fairly safe bet, yeah.

What is all this about promoters?

If Shivers was in boxing, what do you think he would be?

Well, there wouldn't have been a lot of chance of him taking a right hand, I

suppose. Not in the ring, anyway.

No. But you did, didn't you, eh? For what?

£200 on a good night?

I fought the British champion once.

And you were a contender, eh?

Yeah. Along with how many others?

I'm not having a go at you, Terry, but it's the same all over the bloody place.

The town's calling with contenders.

And Shivers gives me exactly the same line.

Work like a dog for Mickey Mouse money.

And then you get a shot at the title. Only somehow it never happens.

Before you know it, you're replaced by another bleeding contender.

Yeah, but if the promoters don't back you, you've got no chance, have you?

Right, they've got it well signed up, haven't they?

I've got Shiver's stuff, though.

I'm going to stay there till I get my name known.

Then he gets the big E.

Yeah, well, in the meantime, a girl's got to eat, hasn't she?

Tell you what, I'll take you out for a nice Chinese, shall I?

Proper one. Sit down, Jo.

Well...

It's got to be better than cheese, hasn't it?

Laurie, I am offering you exclusivity at knock -down prices.

I tell you, my son, stick these on their hangers, and before the creases can

drop out, you'll be asking me for more. Oh, but just hold up a minute.

Take a look at my customers.

Degenerates. I'm catering for degenerates.

It's not my taste buds for living.

So bring a little refinement into their lives.

No, I don't think so, Nappy. Don't mind.

I'm getting enough sideways glass as it is.

If you hang on much longer with that stuff, my reputation's finished.

Laurie. Norma Artnell.

She used to dress royalty.

Why don't you say so?

See, Andy, next time Princess Margaret drives him, it's only off the peg.

I knew it was useless offering you anything of quality.

Oi! Arthur!

Arthur!

Hear a minute.

You plopping a deck, man, or what?

No, I'm just speechless at the nerve of you two.

Tooting me up like that after slipping me this moody gear.

Moody gear?

My own fault for not looking closer.

That's what you get for taking people on trust.

You mean those dresses are Sexton Blake's? Are they fakes?

Machine finishing, synthetic fabrics. On my life, Arthur, we didn't know.

Nah, you don't want them back either, do you?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do.

We'll take them off your hands if you'll accommodate us in a little proposition

we want to put to you.

Thank God I found you.

I need to score.

Oh, not now, Terry, no. I've got problems.

Billy and Nigel want to store some stuff at the lock -up for a few hours

Saturday night.

They're an example to us all, those two, aren't they?

I mean, the way they work those unsociable hours.

There's nothing shady about it.

Well, Billy and Nigel, the way they flit about, I bet they've forgotten what

daylight is.

Anyway, if it's all above board, what's the problem?

Saturday night.

So? Well, that's the night I have to stand in for you at the showroom.

Give them the keys. They're big boys. They can unlock it themselves, can't

Oh, come on, Terry.

There's a lot of valuable gear in my lock -up.

I mean, I know they're business associates of mine, but there's no

temptation in their way.

Well, you're such a trusting soul, aren't you?

Look, give us a tenner if you're pushed. Look, you might at least try and help

me. I don't see what I can do.

Oh, sub out that pump job to someone else.

I can't do that. Kevin wants me.

Well, I can't let Billy and Nigel down.

And I can't let Kevin down.

What are you on the tap for, anyway?

I thought we'd take little Zoe out to the old Peking Palace.

Oh, no.

You're better off away from that sort, Terry.

Very funny people, them frock designers.

Especially the ones from Bethnal Green.

Well, you should know after your performance at Shyster's showroom.

Shivers.

Look, just give us a sub, will you?

I'll see what I can do.

Will you?

I won't forget this, Terry.

And the other one.

What time are you meeting Nigel and Billy?

Midnight -ish.

Well, that should be all right, then.

Go on, get away from the booze and I'll set you on your way. What, you mean I've

still got a guard at that showroom? It's the best I can do, mate.

See you later. Have a nice meal.

Hello, Ronnie.

Arthur.

Where's McCann?

He's coming on later. I'm standing in for him till midnight.

You?

Don't you start. I've had enough of that from Terry.

I mean, I have done a bit in my time, you know.

I'm well aware of that, Arthur.

And even though the old mean streak might be hampered by all that bulk, I

you've got a few tricks up your sleeve, eh?

No, no, it's just I want you to be sensible. See, if anyone comes creeping

here at night while you're in charge, no heroics, right?

I mean, some of those psychopaths with sawn -off shotguns don't stop to ask

questions. And I tell you, much as I value that collection, well, if anything

should... If anything should happen to you, Arthur, I'd never forgive myself.

So, look, you hold the fort till Jerry comes. What time? 12 o 'clock? Yeah.

Right. Now, remember, low profile, right?

Ciao.

Give us half a lager.

Come on, cheer up. The band's not that bad, is it?

Those brewers make me smile.

They've got about as much idea about Irishmen as you have.

Not content with outing the disco and stacking the jukebox full of Jim Reeds

records.

I'll have to bring this lot in for opening.

Who are they?

The Shamrocks.

Leave off. You're getting me out of here, aren't you?

I wish I was.

Well, that's not my scene, but...

Most of the punters in here are Irish anyway, aren't they? That's right.

And they're not amused.

I can see how they might think that someone's having a go at them. You said

And having a bunch of iron sweaters churning out diddly -diddly -diddly -dee

evening is going to put the tin lid on it.

Very McCann.

God, dear Allah, are you still drinking here?

Only just.

Not impressed?

I haven't at all.

Gotta be.

It can't get much worse, can it?

Can't it? You haven't seen her just walked in.

How did they get that lot from Rent -A -Mick?

It's not true.

Are you sure the brewery hasn't designed this lot as well?

I don't know, mate.

I take it from the gear that you're on the firm.

No, I'm just here to keep a bit of order, that's all. Oh, good luck to you.

Oh, gee.

Have you seen the size of him?

It's not real.

Tell me it's not real. If one of them says top of the morning, I'll be gone.

off.

We were in company here.

Keep calm, keep calm. The man just wants a bit of service, alright?

That's right.

I want a waiter.

Call one.

Here, have a seat.

Cracking that joke must have taken a toll on your brain.

No, you stay where you are and give your own brain a rest.

What's that?

I want a pint.

Fill it up.

You can put the flowers back in the vase.

Give it us in a straight glass.

All these pimples and handlers you can't get your fingers through.

I didn't have a hand like a bunch of bananas.

Yeah. That's how these lads will get dimples, Paddy, from blokes like you

squeezing them too hard.

Make sure that's straight. Is that all right? All right?

Oh, give me a time. You'll find something to deli -ache about. It's a

cloudy.

What do you want for 85 cents?

A thunderstorm?

Can you help me?

Roll up!

One,

two, three.

Roll up!

Hey!

Hey!

You're breaking me heart!

She's throwing all the furniture!

Harry, I'm paying you to stop all this!

Oh, the only, only, only chance to save us.

Are you sorry?

I can't believe that. Where are we afraid?

Look, look, Paddy, look, look.

Oh, no! Oh, Jake!

Get them on their feet, that one.

Terry? Arthur, listen.

There's been a right bull and cow down here. I'm standing in what's left of a

pub. Terry, you must get over here. You've never seen anything like it,

Well, never mind all that, Terry. I want you over here right away.

No, that's just it, mate. I can't. Terry, Terry, you've got to... No, but

old bill are here. They're taking a few statements. I've got to hang around.

But I'm being invaded.

The doorbell won't stop ringing.

Well, why don't you answer it?

What, and have me head pulled off my shoulders by some gorilla in a balaclava

helmet?

Arthur, how many villains do you know coming through the front door?

Well, perhaps they're casing the place to see if there's anyone in residence.

All right, maybe. Yeah, I'll look over at them if possible, all right?

Midnight, Terry. I can't keep Billy and Nigel waiting.

Arthur, don't you dare leave that collection.

I've already got an open warehouse for them.

Arthur! All right?

All right?

All right, then. I'll see you.

You're okay. We'll see you later, Mike.

What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

Zoe phoned me.

Did you open this?

Look, I've only just arrived.

Shall we go up, eh?

See if you wouldn't.

It's funny, though.

No sign of damage anywhere.

Oh, dear.

Just your stuff, eh?

Nothing else as much as ruffled.

Straight in and out.

Not a mark to be seen.

Not that they would have come up against much opposition.

You trying to say something? I am saying it. I was leaning on that doorbell for

ages earlier on, Terry, for all the good it did me.

And why would you come popping in here at this time of night, eh? To check up

you. Oh, really? Yeah, really.

Where were you, Terry?

I was out on another job.

Arthur was standing in for me.

Well, an able deputy he turned out to be, didn't he?

And what's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you what it bloody means.

Look around here.

There's no sign of a struggle.

I even left sign of Arthur.

Have you called the old Bill?

A waste of time.

Break into ten a penny just before collections are due to be shown.

Stuff gets nicked wholesale.

Yeah, I didn't think you'd be too anxious to get in touch with him.

Yeah, and if I did, I wouldn't waste any time pointing them in your direction.

Oh, yeah?

Arthur comes here with bent dresses and gets me to take you on to look after my

stock. I must need my bump feeling.

Listen, you schmuck.

You'll have a few more bumps to steal if you don't button it. Just a minute.

Don't you threaten me, McCain.

Oh, no.

No, I can have you seen to. By men who would take you apart without raising a

sweat. And I will, too. You and Arthur.

So just brush up your act and stop insulting my intelligence.

Now, look, hang on.

I'll see you tomorrow in the office.

And if I don't like what you've got to tell me, well, you and Arthur will be

getting a little visit.

Come on, you. We'd better go and see what Arthur has to say.

Arthur! Arthur!

I knew it. I bloody knew it. Now, be fair, I had to open up for Billy and

My word is my bond. Ronnie would understand that.

You just couldn't say no to a double earner, could you? Now, look, Terry. But

while you were scuttling over here to make your shady rendezvous, someone

tiptoed in behind you and made off with Zoe's collection.

No. Yes.

And gentleman Ronnie Shivers lost no time in putting you and me up in the

as number one suspects.

What? You call me irresponsible, do you? Of course.

If you don't give a monkey's in it, take the money and run. That was always your

game, wasn't it? Well, you've come badly unstuck this time, sunshine.

Boy, McCann, never mind the sermon. Explain this lot.

What? What?

My collection.

What have you done? Get off. What's this tale?

Citizen's arrest.

I don't believe this.

Convince me. What are you talking about?

This is the gear that Arthur should have been looking after while he was waiting

for you.

Arthur? Looking after these dresses?

What's the joke? Oh, it's nothing.

It's only the geezer we lifted this lot for told us we'd have no trouble. Said

there'd only be some spineless old dollop looking after it and he'd

faint as soon as he saw us.

So who else knew you were minding the shop?

Spineless old dollop? Was he talking about me?

This was supposed to be a private arrangement between us two, wasn't it?

that sound like me to you?

Well, somebody knew you were there, right?

Who? Well, only Ronnie.

But he wouldn't talk about me like that. He holds me in very high regard.

Ronnie? Yeah.

He was there when I went on duty.

Oh, that's it, then, isn't it?

Listen, the bloke who hired you, was he called Chivers?

No, no, tell. Didn't ask for references. No, I mean... Well, he's a middle -aged

geezer. Felt his hand writing.

Fig lardy and a carnation.

You got it.

But why would he want to lift his own gear?

It's not his gear, it's my gear.

A stunt like this would make it his, though. He'd earn a hundred times the

amount than if he was just my agent.

But why'd you ask to mind it?

Look at our form.

I mean, if that all goes missing, who are they going to be likely to suspect,

eh? We must have become gift -wrapped by this.

Look, what happens now?

Don't know.

We part company with it here and some other fellas pick it up later on.

You don't know where it's going?

Is it going to Hong Kong?

Could be.

It's going out of country, I do know that.

Oh, no, it ain't.

Listen, these other fellas, do they know what they're picking up? Just dresses.

I think it's time to make a little swap.

All right, one more little call to make and we'll all be well happy.

Arthur. Ron. Dear boy.

Lovely to see you.

You know, I was just thinking about you.

I thought you might be, Ronnie.

We go back a long way together, don't we, Arthur?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

We were a fly crowd, weren't we, eh? Yeah, we pulled a few strokes.

We certainly did.

But, you know, there was always the cardinal rule.

Turn over anybody else, but never one of your own.

Quite right, too. Quite right. You know, I might rub shoulders with the elite.

But I always like to think of people like that as being my own.

People who know what's what.

And that's what hurts.

What's that, Ron?

That you should take me for an 18 -carat mug.

I'm glad you've turned up, Arthur.

And I hope, for your sake, you've got something to show me.

Funny you should say that, Ron.

What's all this?

Desiring close by, sir.

Agent Arthur Daly. Yeah, we're going to have it made up into a card, you know,

with a deck ledge.

Tasteful, isn't it?

What's all this about, then?

It's quite simple, Ronnie.

I'm not too pleased about the security arrangements.

So I've agreed to represent her.

Oh, yeah?

And just what collection do you think you'll be representing, Arthur?

Why would you ask that?

I mean, we're supposed to be the ones who lifted it.

Have you got it, then? We did manage to intercept it before it left the country,

yes. But we didn't manage to apprehend the felons. No.

But we did make a crafty switch.

Switch? Yeah, we swapped Zoe's clothes for, um, well, what do you call them

other things?

High street tat, yeah.

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

Cheap Hong Kong imitations being shipped out to Hong Kong to be imitated.

Yeah, well, they'll tumble that straight away.

Not unless someone is sent phones to stop the production. And whoever does

is going to lose a lot of credibility with their business partners over there.

Yeah, people don't like being messed around where money's concerned.

Could have the most terrible repercussions.

Too right.

I reckon whoever's behind this little deal is going to find themselves highly

unpopular. And one way or another, well out of pocket.

Oh, I think we'd better blow.

Ronnie don't look at all well.

Spineless old dollop. At least I'm one jump ahead of him. There you go,

souvenir. What about our little business arrangement? Listen, I only went along

with that moonshine so you could gloat at Shivers. You don't seriously think

going to give my job up here and come with you, do you? You could do a lot

worse, my dear.

I'll bet it. Ronnie might be a crook, but at least he knows about the rag

Yeah, not enough to stop me putting one over on him, though.

Oi, that swap was my idea.

Oh, was it?

Yes. You're a genius, you are, Terry.

Well, I have me moments.

You used to expect at Shivers all the time, didn't you? You bet.

And I thought you were going to keep any other villains at bay.

I thought you were supposed to know all about fellas like me.

Made a mistake, didn't I?

You certainly did.

Shame, really, innit? I've never met a bird like you before.

Oh, and you rode manfully into the sunset. That's it.

Don't start pining for what might have been, Terry. You're a lovely geezer, but

I never fancied you.

It's all right.

Cheeky little girl. See you around, kids. Keep bobbing and weaving, won't

Bye -bye.

Well,

here's gratitude for you.

I bought her a Tony's National.

Well, perhaps that'll teach you to be less profligate with your money.

Ah, yeah, talking about money, um, uh, Stevie Upton.

Ah, ah, yeah, no. What do you mean, ah, ah, yeah, no? I've got to make a few

deductions. Do what? I mean, you did leave the goods unattended to go to

job, didn't you? Have I? hearing things. That was you, remember?

Caused considerable aggravation, and I mean, to rectify matters, I had to let a

rail of Dior's and Hartnell's go.

Dior's and Hartnell's? You couldn't wait to see the back of them? I never got a

penny for them, not a light. What about the backhander that Nigel and Billy give

you, eh? For the use of the lock -up, eh? Backhander? That was a favour,

That was a favour? Hey, you!

Now tell me the one about the three bears. Go on. Oi!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God. No, no, no. Leave it out. Walk away, son. Walk away.

I'm going to help you. I

do.

Be so good for you I'll do it like you want me to Do it like you want me to

There ain't no