Original subtitles

It'd be so good for you Love you like you want me to

It'd

be so good for you Love you like you want me to

Morning, Arthur, Terry. You're late, Pongo. Let's have a butcher's. It is

eh? New departure, Terence. Nice.

Extra length, four ply, colours various.

Top notch gear, eh, Pongo?

I wouldn't know, Terry. Never use this stuff yourself.

Enough of this rabbit. Come on, we've got to get this lot delivered.

Oh, by the way, Arthur, I bought the individual butter portions as well.

up the front.

What, up the front of this thing? Yes, well, the refrigerated transport fell

through. We'd better get our skates on. It gets a bit stuffy over the axle.

If that butter melts all over the toilet paper, I'll make your life a misery,

Pongo.

Oh, no point, Arthur. It already is.

You could always put some ham on it, make it a new fast food.

You two in the van. We're going to the Avon Lodge Hotel.

Follow me. When we get there, go round the back where it says deliveries.

I'll see you there. Right, off we go. Wait, who's the other eight? Oh, it's

Why have I got to go with him? Because you're going to help him unload.

And it is the kind of establishment that would not take kindly to you and him

traipsing through the cocktail lounge with bog rolls.

Can I have a tetanus injection?

Morning, Sue.

Morning, Mr. Daly.

Mrs. Bates said, would you mind waiting in her office? She won't be a minute.

And how is our delightful manageress this morning?

Oh, the same as usual. That's what I like to hear.

Can I ask you a personal question?

It depends.

How many shirts like that have you got?

That's the one.

I thought so.

Try and write a little more ledger, please.

Sit down, Arthur.

Thank you. How is everything?

Oh, fine, Norma, fine. They're round the back unloading at the moment.

You have come up trumps, Arthur. You really have.

I can't tell you the problems I've been having with my suppliers at the moment.

Oh, and the individual butter portions came in a day early.

Splendid.

You did say cash on delivery, didn't you? Did I? Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

Well, why not?

You really saved my life, Arthur. A hotel without toilet paper, can you

No, not really.

There was something I wanted to mention, Norma. Jam.

Pardon?

Seedless jam made from the surplus fruits of various EEC countries and

conveniently packaged in individual portions.

Well, what kind of jam?

Ah, well, it is a melange of several fruits, but you have no problem because

is labelled confiture.

And confiture, that is French for jam.

I know what confiture means, Arthur.

Well, it might be all right with a continental breakfast.

Exactly. I mean, confiture has a sort of je ne sais quoi, doesn't it? And it is

very cheap.

that butter off inside.

Yeah. Where's Arthur?

I've had this van back half an hour ago.

Yeah. Probably parked in a bar called somewhere.

Well, I'm not leaving here without my wage.

Let's go and ferret him out, eh? Yeah, let's.

You do understand, Arthur, that I have to stick with my regular suppliers,

unless, of course, the prices are competitive.

Otherwise, it's not worth the potential loss of goodwill.

Have no worries, Norma. I'm quite confident I've come up with the right

I think I have already demonstrated that. Oh, certainly.

Can I tempt you to a little something in the cocktail bar?

Why not?

I told you to meet me around the bank.

Yeah, well, Pongo fancied a quick pint of collada.

What? I've got to get the van back before the governor gets here. All

right. Now, pin your ears back, Pongo. I want the seedless confiture, as much as

you can get. And if you can get ketchup in sachets, I'll have that and all.

Yeah, what about the brown sauce? I can get that in sachets and all. Why not?

Okay, I'll bail you. I'll try and bring him into the hotel for you. Are you

trying to undermine me?

Terence, father's person.

Good morning to you, sir.

I've got a business meeting in a bar.

Actually, I could murder a beer. No, no, go and have a cup of tea somewhere.

It's a business.

Oi, listen, you.

Just because I've been up in bog rolls round the tradesman's entrance for you

doesn't mean I'm not good enough to drink in the same hotel bar, does it?

right, all right.

A minder.

I can't imagine Arthur having any enemies.

Well, no, it's more a case of protecting him from his admirers. No, no, no.

Terry's freelance, Norma. I mean, naturally, I'll take a small commission

anyone who uses his services.

I mean, he's worked with them all, haven't you?

Footballers, pop stars.

Hongo Harris.

Must be rather dangerous.

Oh, he's hair -raising. I mean, do you remember that time in the lock -up when

you dropped that telly right on me foot? Of course, it's not just a matter of

muscle, you understand, Norma. I mean, it requires tact, diplomacy, and the

ability to blend in with a wide variety of social milieus. Oh, it do, it do.

Fascinating.

Well, thank you very much, Arthur.

And, uh...

Do let me know as soon as possible about those items we discussed.

As I said, I, um, I can't promise anything.

Goodbye, Terry. Nice to have met you.

Yes.

There goes a woman after my own art, Terrence.

That's it, do you? Oh, look, do you think just occasionally you could not

everything to the level of the gutter?

Why? My admiration for Mrs Bates is that of one business person for another.

Yes, I will concede, she is an handsome woman.

But what I personally find really exciting... Yeah, yeah, go on, go on, go

...is her razor -sharp grasp of profit margins and overheads. Oh, you really do

fancy her, don't you?

Your cloth knows two.

What are Bible glasses?

Yeah, it's a bit strong, isn't it?

I mean, men of the cloth knocking back pints in a cocktail bar.

Ah, they're allowed to drink.

Yeah, but only red wine, isn't it?

Care to join us in a libation, Padre?

Thank you.

The one pint of this excellent ale will suffice.

Fair dues.

Moderation in all things.

Come on, let's get out of here. They're putting me off my fruit salad.

It's 22 .50 a night with continental breakfast.

Bye, Bill.

Oh, bye, Mr David. Thank you, my dear.

No breakfast, Tara.

I've got to watch my figure.

I'm a model, you see.

Right, a single room, no breakfast. Morning tea, newspaper?

No, none of that, Tara.

Right.

Here we are, 2 .06.

Shall I get someone to carry your cases up?

No, I'll manage that.

Could you tell us again how much that is for three nights?

Of course.

Yeah, this Norma Bird, she own this Avon Lodge, don't they?

No, no, no, the proprietor lives abroad, you know, tax reasons.

Oh, in that case, why is she bothering chasing around for cut -price butter for

the likes of you?

A few quid off the overheads, Dave. It all mounts up.

Oh, I see.

Finger in the tool job, eh?

No, Dave.

A legitimate bonus, an incentive.

It brings the best out in people. You listen to Mrs Finchley. She knows all

about that.

Hey, listen to this, this machine.

You bung powdered potato in at one end and chips come out the other.

Well, I mean, skateboards may come and skateboards may go, but the punter's

always going to want his chips, isn't he?

That's the wonderful thing about the food industry, Dave.

You call that food?

I'm not talking about eating it. I'm talking about selling it.

Weren't you at the club?

You want to talk to Arthur?

I'm not here. I'm grafting. I haven't been in all day. I'm in conference.

It's not her indoors. It's the Mrs Bates.

Why didn't you say?

Give it here.

Hello, Norma. Arthur here.

You'll be very pleased to know the jam situation is ongoing.

No, Arthur, it's not about jam.

No, it's my security man. He's gone sick.

Oh, I see.

Oh, yes, he'd be well competent.

Norma, no doubt about that.

Splendid. I'll expect to hear from you shortly.

Goodbye.

You're sure this will be all right?

Absolutely. Daily eating out of the palm of my hand.

And as for this bouncer person of his... He'll probably take him the entire

weekend to figure out how to use the lifts.

Good.

I'm not wearing a uniform.

Well, who said anything about a uniform?

It's a suit and tie job.

Clean fingernails, brush your hair.

All you have to do is stand around looking suave and make sure nobody legs

without playing their bill.

Oh, no, Arthur.

You'll be the official house detective.

I mean, think how nice that would look on your curriculum vitae. You've seen it

in the movies.

They call them the house dick.

Yeah, it's exactly what I feel like. I know, wasn't it? Stop running around.

getting dizzy.

Look, it's only until they get a replacement for their regular.

You have meals on the house, your own room,

colour telly, nice little wage at the end.

Say nothing of the perks.

What perks?

Well, you know, rich American widows over in Europe trying to make up for

time. What, the Avon Lodge Hotel? Do me a favour. Oh, look, can't you be

optimistic just once in a while?

All right, I'll tell you what, I'll do it.

On one condition.

What? No more umping gear about with Pongo. Oh, absolutely, Terry.

Absolutely. Right. Now, rest assured, Terry, all I'm interested in is you

a job worthy of your talent.

Could be a turning point in my career. Exactly.

Well, off you go. Quick shave and a shower. Put that nice whistle on that I

for you from Jimmy the Greek. Yeah.

Thanks, Arthur.

Thank you for changing my life.

You're welcome, Terry.

I don't think we'll do much in here. I'll do the thinking, all right?

Morning,

my dear.

Hours between 11 and 1 in the morning are when guests are most likely to try

introduce non -residents into their rooms.

So do your rounds then, and again around 4.

It means you won't get an uninterrupted night's sleep. It's only for a couple of

days. Any occurrences that might involve the police, a reported theft, for

example, come to me immediately. Do not take it upon yourself to take

action. or to notify the police without referring to me, all right?

Sure.

Finally, Terry, staff are as big a problem to security as the guests.

Now, you are my eyes and ears in this matter. If you see or hear anything

suspicious, come to me, no matter how trivial, all right?

Yeah, absolutely, Norma. Yeah, understood.

No, hold on.

It's a bit difficult for me, isn't it?

I don't know what they're supposed to be doing in the first place.

I won't know if they're in or out of order, will I?

Well, just ask me and I'll tell you.

Excuse me, Sue?

Yeah? I'm Terry McCann. Oh, the new security officer.

Apparently, yeah. Well, I'll show you your cupboard.

Cupboard? You'll find out.

Five minutes, Mary.

And now...

I have to go to meet several of the local Rotarians in the bar.

They hold their weekly luncheons here, so I have to keep them sweet. Will you

excuse me?

I was just about to suggest that we have a quick one to cement our new

relationship.

Well, all right.

And, Arthur, I'd rather you didn't discuss the exact nature of our dealings

any of the Rotary members, all right?

Say no more, Norma. Stand on me.

Nice. Very nice.

Cosy, isn't it?

Phew.

Still, it's only for a couple of nights, I suppose.

Listen, I've had the official story in all wassup face.

Norma. But what really goes on here?

I'm sure Mrs Bates gave you the full picture.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, she told me that the most important thing was spying on the staff.

But for what it's worth, that's not my style.

Oh. What the hell?

I don't care if she knows what I think anymore.

The main thing about this place is that it barely pays its way.

It hasn't been fully booked since it was built.

The owner lives in Spain and the rumour is he'd love to sell it, but there

aren't any takers.

Bates is as tight -fisted as they come and we're hopelessly understaffed. We

haven't had an assistant manager for a month.

Most of the domestic staff are English language students without work permits.

And if people stay here, they've either made a mistake or their firms have

booked them in.

Now, if you ask me, Bates is screwing what she can out of it before the whole

thing falls apart at the seams.

Why'd you stick it?

Haven't you been out on the streets lately?

The unemployed are standing around in small groups of half a million.

And anyway, I've got form.

Do what?

Youthful indiscretion with a good -looking car thief.

Doesn't look good on job applications.

No, I know.

I see.

Well,

do you get time off for a drink now and then?

Now and then.

Pick up the phone and ask for a reception.

Yeah, I will.

I'll buzz you if the Rotary Club start a riot in the cocktail bar.

Philip Higgins.

How do you do?

Charles Riding, Arthur Daly.

Oh, one of the Yorkshire Ridings, I presume.

I break it apart.

Oh, come from Yorkshire, do you, Daly?

Charles is an eminent jeweller.

Philip manages the bank.

In fact, he has the misfortune to handle all the hotel accounts.

Hence the fast hairs.

What's your line, Daly?

Well, I'm fairly broad -based.

Wholesale merchandising, export, import. Import, export, eh? What sort of

product?

Well, out of many, off the top of my head, jam.

Fascinating. Big set -up, is it?

No, no, no, just myself and an assistant.

I have no time for big set -ups. I mean, the smaller you are, the faster you can

move. Right, yes, right.

Yes, well, I can see the sense in that.

Listen, Daly, it's my unfortunate task to choose guest speakers for our weekly

lunches. It's the devil's own job finding new topics now, chap, like you.

Yorkshireman, one -man band, quicken your feet, could be a breath of fresh

What do you say, Charles? I was thinking of asking that dreadful microcomputer

chap again.

Yes, I'd be fascinated to hear Mr Daly speak to us. Well, what do you say,

How about next Monday?

A chap with a ready wit like you shouldn't need much notice.

Well... Oh, you must, Arthur. It's a splendid idea.

Well, if you really think so.

Excellent. Oh, well, now, what about another tincture? Oh, not to me. Oh,

one, Daly?

What?

Oh, a large one. Oh, yes, sir, rather.

Yes, sir.

First six, please.

Hello.

If anybody wants me, I'm going to have a mosey round, all right? Okay.

Half key.

Put that with my smith and wesson.

I'm a resident in this hotel, you know.

Good for you.

I don't get any ideas.

All I have to do is press that button saying alarm, right?

As it happens, I'm supposed to be the security man here.

So you wouldn't have to, would you?

Really? Cross my heart.

Hey, look, I'm sorry, mate.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Looks like you've had your chips.

I wouldn't eat off this carpet.

Excuse me, miss.

You don't mind?

Oh, OK.

I thought there was a rule, you know, about not bringing food in.

Well, if there is, I don't know about it. Oh, great.

I was dead scared.

Is everything all right, my Jo? Oh, yes, Father.

Is security?

Oh, how reassuring.

Everything all right? Enjoyed your stay? Very rewarding, thank you. Good.

Yeah, did you see that? Just hold your peace, Father Andrew.

You've got to be dead careful in these London hotels.

And you're bent.

Especially if you're an unaccompanied female.

You know what I mean?

Because everyone thinks you're on the flaming game.

Is that right?

You couldn't do us a favour, could you?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Come in here a minute.

Oh, well, it's a... Wayne.

Come in.

Oh, car.

Couldn't get us some coffee in there, could you?

It's just that I don't fancy going down to the restaurant on my own.

It's all three cups.

How much do you reckon that'll cost?

I'm a bit short, are you?

Look, I can pay me way, mate.

I'm not looking for an handout.

I've paid for this room in advance three nights. All right, keep your hair up.

Now you see I'm not room service.

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I'm a bit, like, hyped up, you know.

Cos I'm a model.

We're starting out.

And I've got this photo session tomorrow.

I'm a bit nervous about it.

Eh?

What do you reckon to be?

My boyfriend taught them.

He's amateur, but it's good practice.

You're all right, aren't you?

How old do you reckon I look on the mate?

Most people reckon about 20.

How old are you, really?

17. Well, almost.

I'm from Liverpool.

Could you tell?

Does anyone know you're down here?

Yeah, of course.

I saved up, you see.

This photographer, he does me a complete portfolio and gets me my first job

right. That's 120 quid. So I thought, if something breaks for me quick -like,

I've got to have an address.

I mean, I don't see the editor of Cosmopolitan phoning me up with the

So I had to stay for a few nights in the hotel as well.

Mind you, bit of a dump in it.

Hey, no offence, mate. You work here, don't you?

Though, yeah, I've not much over, like.

Hey, have a chip.

No, thanks, ma 'am.

Hey, am I talking too much? I don't want to put you off.

Put me off what?

What's she doing later on?

Do you ever go in that cocktail bar down there?

No, I'm not allowed to work here. No.

And you're too young to drink, remember?

Listen, do yourself a favour. Sit tight here. Keep out of trouble. And when

you've had your photographs taken, go home, eh?

Saddle on.

The Rotary Club, eh?

Is that the mob with the rolled -up trousers and the funny handshake? No,

no, Dave. No, that's your three masons.

No, the Rotarians are your solid citizens of various trades and

dedicated to charitable work.

Oh, I see.

Hey, you must be a natural, Arthur. I'm surprised you haven't joined before.

I have not been asked to join, Dave. I have been asked to address the local

branch at one of their luncheons.

Still, charity or no charity, I mean, the Rotary's got to be a tasty leg up

contact -wise, hasn't it? Yeah, but what are you going to address her about,

Arthur? Japanese whiskey?

Second -hand bog paper? Import -export, if you don't mind. I can't find anything

about jam in here. It's all commodities and gilts.

Well, jam is a commodity, isn't it, Arthur? Yeah, but not like rubber or

is it?

Look, look, as I recall, they quote, like, sugar, coffee, tea.

Oh, Jam wouldn't be out of place amongst them, would he?

Will you go and pull a few pints and leave me alone?

Anyway, Jam was just what I mentioned off the top of my head. What they are

interested in is the smaller scale of operation, which I represent.

Oh, you're not going to tell them about your sex life, are you?

That'll make them wink, won't it?

Evening, all.

You were supposed to phone me. I was just passing.

Here, bung us a Rambuie in lime, will you, Gav?

I bought you some samples.

Arthur, is this with you?

Not in here. Here, have a tip. It ain't half bad.

Arthur, I want it out of here this minute before the elf inspector closes

down. Come on outside, Bongo.

Here, what's up? Come on outside.

Try not to brush up against anything.

Look, nothing personal, Pongo, but a bath and a change of clothes would do

wonders for your image. I don't know what you're talking about. This suit

doesn't need changing. It's got your suit wearing it yet. All right, never

What's the SP on the jam?

It's here, Arthur. I've got it. Oh, terrific, terrific.

Right, bring it round the lock up, first thing.

No can do, Arthur. We've got to shift it now.

No, look, we said tomorrow, Pongo, and tomorrow it is. It is going home time,

Pongo. Arthur, we don't shift it now. I've got to dump it.

There's a whisper going round that the old bill are going to turn my manor

upside down after that bit of naughtiness and the jewellers in Bond

Oh, yeah, and you'll be the first person they'll come to, the well -known

international jewellery. Oh, no, no, no, of course not. But you know what my

family's like. I mean, there's my brother -in -law and my nephew. They'll

get pulled for a word.

And I don't want them poking round in that lot. Why not?

It's all kosher, isn't it? Oh, yes, yes, of course it is. But you know what it's

like. It's not easy to explain.

Oh, please, Arthur. I've got to get over my I .N.'s now.

Oh, God, all right. Look, you'd better follow me to the Avon Lodge Hotel.

I only hope they can take delivery at this time of day. Oh, darn, Arthur.

a real pal. Yeah, let's keep it platonic, shall we, Ponga?

Ah.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Time for vespers, I think, Father Andrew?

Pardon?

Just get up off your fat arse and follow me.

Good evening, Father. How's the conference going? The problems of the

world compound us all, Mrs Bates.

But we mustn't give in to despair.

I'm sure you won't, Father.

It's all happening, Norma.

You don't sound particularly pleased.

Let's be realistic.

I've never dealt with this sort of person before.

They smashed open the window with an industrial rivet gun. Then one of them

emptied both barrels of a 12 -bore into the shop.

That's Barry Pollard at work.

It's a miracle nobody was killed.

But he needs you, Charles.

Nobody in the country can offer him such a good deal.

He's a dangerous, unpredictable villain, Norma. And whatever you offer these

people, it's never enough on the day.

Well, we just have to make sure on the day that he goes by the book.

Good evening. Good morning.

Like an after.

Oh, good.

We can pay the bill with that. We can retire on it, can't we?

Come on.

Right, that'll do you.

Hey, son, give us a hand with a little bit of unloading, will you? No chance.

It's dinner time.

Typical. Only five minutes. Then you can have your dinner. Look, not my dinner.

Their dinner.

Do you know I've got a whack house? 700 melon balls.

Here, give us a hand, Arthur.

Here, I'll go and get Terry.

What do you suggest?

When Pollard arrives, I'll put him in a room that's already booked.

What's more, the person who's booked the room will be decidedly dodgy.

I'll tell Pollard that you're having lunch with the chief inspector and it'll

me handing over the money.

I have McCown on call.

If anything goes wrong, he can hold Pollard long enough for me to alert the

chief inspector that something suspicious is going on.

Phew.

Now, that sounds fine.

But how do we conjure up this eminently suspicious person?

And how do we put Wade in to book the room just when it's useless?

I just want to see him for a minute.

I promised I would.

Well, all right.

Me?

You've got a visitor.

Oh. Right.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Well, what do you think?

What do I think about what?

The outfit.

I'm wearing it tomorrow for the photo session.

Yes, very nice.

Will it pass your bedtime?

Thank you, sir.

Evening, Sue. Terry about? In his room.

You might as well join the queue.

Oh?

She's dead jealous, that Sue.

I can tell.

Yeah. You don't really fancy her, do you?

She's old enough to be me, Mum.

And you're old enough to be my daughter.

On your feet, Terry. Oh, excuse me, love. Little unloading job out the back.

Do what?

Little unloading job out the back. Come on.

Arthur, I'm on duty.

I'm a hotel security man.

I've got my suit on.

I'm not humping gear around with Pongo.

You tell his old man, then.

No, he's not.

Certainly not.

What do you mean, on duty?

Feet up, surrounded by tweeny boppers. Come on.

Who are you calling a teeny bopper?

It seems quite obvious to me... Well, if you'll just wait a moment, sir, I'll

call the security officer. Just a minute.

For crying out loud, Terry, I'm only asking for five minutes.

Are you a resident here or what, then? Did you mind? May I remind you that

you're not supposed to be here at all. Oh, get you!

Will you belt up? I don't know what's going on in here, but there's some

in reception... Just a moment, please.

Get back to the desk soon.

Terry, you come to my office.

Arthur, would you mind waiting for me in the bar? Of course, Norman.

Can you handle that when you're Jack?

And I'm afraid we discourage guests from fraternizing with the staff in their

quarters. Pardon me for breathing.

Oh, I'll have that bloody pongo, so help me.

Oh!

But nothing is actually missing.

No, but my wife is positive someone has been through her suitcase.

She's a very careful packer, is my wife.

Well, you see, we can't take action unless something has actually been

You'll have to give us another room.

We can't stay in that one.

Of course.

And Mr.

McCann will check your room for any signs of possible breaking.

Right.

Let's pop up and mooch around as if you know what you're looking for.

Do you think they're imagining it?

Of course.

Either that or angling for a better room.

You really love your job, don't you?

Anybody? Of course it matters.

If we don't get a taste here, we can leg it and try somewhere else.

One more word out of you, and I'll teach you what the vase of chastity really

means. My son.

Last vodka and tonic, please. Very large.

Uh, Nova, the, uh, the confiture has arrived. Oh, excellent, Arthur. On the

as ever. Now, Arthur, the reason I wanted to talk to you... Yeah, but about

jam. Oh, please, Arthur.

Don't worry yourself about that. I have something far more important to discuss.

How would you like a contract to supply four large hotels on a regular basis?

Contract? You negotiate on behalf of the hotel and subcontract how and when you

please. Oh, you could do it, standing on your head, Arthur.

Oh, yeah, I think I'd need to know a little more about it. Well, of course,

Arthur. Now, I've arranged a meeting with the people in question on Monday.

I think we ought to make a bit of a splash, you know.

Lay on a little hospitality.

Oil the wheels, eh? I think I'll get your drift, my dear.

Come in.

Good morning.

Is it?

Oh, dear, someone have a bad night?

Yeah, you could say that. Well, I brought you some coffee.

God bless you.

Well, I'm going to have to report you to Blaster Bates, you know, for misuse of

hotel crockery.

Oh, a new member of the Norma Bates fan club.

Do you know what she had me doing last night?

out the back, making sure none of the kitchen staff were stealing steaks

up their trouser legs.

And did you?

Of course not. No, I went over the road and had a pint.

I mean, those poor sorts are too knackered to even lift a steak.

Well, she'd be in a better mood today. It's the Rotary Club lunch, so she'll be

seeing her boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Oh, he must be a right masochist.

No wonder that other security guy went sick.

He probably topped himself, didn't he? Went sick?

He didn't go sick. He got the sack.

Ah, well, I was probably stealing plastic spoons.

No, funny enough, Norma's bloke Charles Riding was involved.

Benny heard voices from an empty room, went in, and there was Riding with this

other bloke.

Oh, nice.

No, it wasn't like that. They were having a row.

Riding was waving a handful of money in this man's face and shouting at him.

Next day, Bates finds an excuse for giving Benny his cards.

I reckon Riding is a villain.

Well, nothing has surprised me in this, Gaff.

Tell you what.

There was a better atmosphere than the grubs.

As soon as I locate Arthur, I'm on my bike.

Oh, that would be a shame.

It'd be nice having a friendly face around.

Well, it doesn't mean to say I won't pop back and have a drink with a few old

mates.

No, I hope.

I don't know about soon, no.

Could be as late as tonight.

Top of the morning, David.

What time do you call this? I haven't had my breakfast yet. As from this

morning, please forward all messages... to the Jubilee Suite at the Avon Lodge

Hotel, where I shall be in residence.

Yeah, you're giving her indoors a second honeymoon offer. I'm joking.

I shall be wooing a group of leading hoteliers with a view to supplying them

with certain commodities on a regular basis. What a stroke, Dave. And it's

legit. I know. Yeah, but what about your speech? Oh, that will be slotted in

during lunchtime, as planned.

Here, give us the butchers. Yeah, of course. Here you are. I've been up all

night working on this.

Can I use the dog? Yeah, yeah, feel free.

All right, then.

Hey,

Dave, what's the code for Bahrain?

What Bah where?

Hello, Pongo, you walking elf hazard?

What?

Oh, Mrs Harris.

Oh, sorry about that, love.

Look, do you know... Oh, my God.

When did they pick him up?

You don't know what it's about?

Helping them with their inquiries, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no message, no.

Absolutely none.

My God, there's Nick Pongo.

That's a fly in the ointment.

I only hope it's something very serious and nothing to do with me.

You're awful. This goes on a bit, doesn't it? Yeah, well, I was trying to

comprehensive.

I said, Jim, this is Secretary, member of the Wilson Rotary Club.

I would like to say what a pleasure, nay, indeed, an honour, blah, blah,

Only pillars of the community.

A bit more bleeding honour.

There's all this guff here about a common market.

Yeah, I nicked that out of The Economist. I rearranged it, of course.

But you're supposed to kick off with a bit of a joke, Arthur. I mean, that is

what your after -dinner speaking's all about.

I know, I've been to some of these do's. We have a nice little nose bag, top up

with a brandy, and sit back for a bit of a chuckle, you know, before the

stripper. Do you mind?

This is not a charabang trip for a licensed retailers association.

I am going to be addressing a group of very sophisticated professional men. And

frankly, Dave, I am better equipped to judge them than you.

Oh, well.

I suppose you'll get a laugh, whatever happens.

OK, see you soon, mate. Cheers.

He's on his way.

Well, this is it.

This is what?

Me big day.

Me first session with a professional photographer.

I'm exhausted.

I've been up since five. Changed me outfit ten times.

What do you reckon?

On what?

The outfit.

Oh, look at that. That's terrific, isn't it?

Really? Yeah, honestly, really.

Smashing. I'm on that nerve.

Hey, what bus do I get to Islington?

Oh, you're not going to take all that by bus, surely? Yeah, I'll be all right.

Right, here, come here, come here.

Get yourself a cab, all right? Oh, I couldn't. Come on, take it. You'll never

get there otherwise.

Pay me back when you're rich and famous, all right?

Oh, thanks.

Great.

Heart of gold.

That's me, isn't it? You know.

Busy in the cab?

Yeah, yeah, I'm rushed up in feet.

I registered the Jubilee Suite in Mr Daly's name, which is who he's

some business people after the Rotary lunch.

Do what?

You're here on suffering, McCann.

Try and stay out of my way.

I've had a shifty in the hotel register.

A ton of geezers booked in at the big suite on the top floor.

So we're going to have a look in there, then we'll have it on our toes.

Try out west.

Well, about time.

What are they?

Morning, Sue.

Oh, Mr Daly.

You'll be wanting the Jubilee suite. The very same. My boy about.

Oi! Oh, talk of the devil. I want to work with you. Follow me up to the

penthouse suite.

It's got a balcony with a long drop.

If I bring this off, Terry, you're my man in the field, right?

What field?

I mean, think of it. Brand new Cortina on the phone, and all you have to do is

cruise around a few hotels, making sure they're all right for bog rolls and

butter. Drinks in the bar, meals on the house. If this all are called into bait,

because she's so bent, she's going forward when she should be coming back.

Terry, to impress on you the seriousness of the matter, there is a century up

front for staying with it until a moment dry.

Gordon Bennett, you really are serious, aren't you? Now, go on, I've got to

memorise my address.

You know your address.

My lunchtime address to the Rotary Club.

Yeah?

Mr Sullivan?

Yeah? Oh, I'm Karen Bradley from Liverpool.

I've got an appointment.

Oh, right.

Well, let's have a look at you, then.

Put the bags down.

Head up.

Nice bone structure.

Great skin.

These some of your clients?

Oh, yeah.

You see her?

She pulls a grand a day now.

Beautiful girl.

You bring your money?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you go through the back, get changed?

And I think you'll find this is directly related to the fluidity of the funds

available. Enter.

Well, everything all right, Arthur? Very nice, Norman, very nice indeed.

Any sign of our colleagues?

No, they'll probably arrive while you're having lunch.

I've arranged for a little refreshment up here, if that's all right with you.

Oh, splendid, splendid. Nothing like a touch of your public relations.

You explained to them I was otherwise engaged with the Rotary. Oh, yes, that

went down very well.

I suppose it would.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Norma, I think I'm expected in the bar. Thank

Copy time.

Oh, not on the counter.

Still here, then?

Yeah, I was bribed.

By the way, we have two of London's finest on the premises.

How can you tell? They're reading their papers upside down. I recognise one of

them from my bad old days.

A DF out of Paddington.

And they're two more likely candidates lurking about.

It's nothing to do with us.

Unless you haven't been paying your parking tickets.

Oh, gee.

My name's Pollard. I'm looking for Mrs Bates. Oh, Mrs Bates. Mr Pollard.

Oh, how do you do, Mr Pollard?

This way. You're in the Jubilee Suite.

You know everyone, I think, don't you, Daly? Except Chief Inspector Baxter.

Pleased to meet you, Chief Inspector.

Albert.

We met before. Your face is familiar.

No, no, no, I don't think so. No, no, definitely not.

Well, possibly.

Been to a wedding or something, Daly?

We've met before.

No, no, no, I don't think so. I would have... Oh, thank you.

Turn around.

Come on, stick out your bum.

Right, lovely.

Go on, say sex.

You what?

All right, say cheese.

Think that.

OK, that's that one.

I'll paint now, yeah?

Yeah, we'll do a bit of tip now.

Look, mate, I'm modelling clothes, not page three.

Yeah, well, people have got to know what your body's like, don't they?

I just paid you 120 flaming quid.

To take professional shots of me in clothes.

Who's the expert here?

You or me?

Do you want to get on?

Do as I say.

So get him off or get out.

I want me money back.

I didn't hear that.

I just want to see riding.

I want to see the money.

He's had a formal lunch. Please relax. You'll...

See the money in about half an hour. In the meantime, let me send you up some

food. Yeah, great.

No, don't send nothing up.

Eh?

As you wish.

What's that with you, then?

That bin. Where's she suddenly come from?

It's riding's bit of nookie, you dozy burk.

Excuse me, gents. I'll just go and see a man about a thing.

Oh. Well, don't be long, Daly. We're going into lunch in a minute.

What are you up to now?

I'm going downstairs to look for riding. And if I can't find him, we're

splitting. He'll be here.

Oh, very nice.

Good quality gear, right?

Don't think you're not built for it. Get off, get off, I'll get you off. No, no,

no, please don't, please don't, please don't.

Oh, for God's sake, Terry, they're going into luncheon, and someone's nicked the

case with my speech in it. I mean, I was only... All right, all right, all

right, now think. Who else was in the cars? No one. Oh, yeah, wait a minute,

God Squad, the young one.

Look, they've dumped it by now, Terry. There's nothing but papers in it. Look,

go and look through every car, every rubbish bin, every dustbin. Oh, look,

they're going into the luncheon, Terry. Yeah, and I'm just about to have my

luncheon after. Please, Terry, please. Look, we've got one hour. Help me,

please. All right, all right, all right.

Have you seen Telly?

No, not for a while.

All right, darling, we'll find him. I'll see you in a bar, all right. Hey,

Telly. Not now, love, I'm busy. No, wait, someone's licking the radio.

Oh, no.

Yeah. I'll tell you a funny thing.

Those two priests in the room opposite me, I heard them talking right. And one

of them called the other son.

Yeah, well, because they always use that sort of dialogue, don't they? Yeah, but

then he called him Dad.

For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly grateful.

Amen.

Yes.

Everything all right, Daly? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, no,

look at this butter.

British Rail Traveller's Fair.

And

now

the end is near.

And so I face the final curtain.

I did it my

way.

Regrets, I've had a few.

But then again, too few to mention.

Looking forward to your talk, Daly.

You northerners certainly have a way with words.

Use notes, do you?

Or is it all up there in that sharp mind of yours? Yeah, I suppose so.

Steve?

What's that?

Brian is downstairs.

He's having lunch with a bunch of fellow and Dickie too.

Here. You been to this?

Cool. Oh.

What?

The bastard!

Now don't do anything bleeding silly, Bell.

Sorry to burst in, fathers, but there's been a series of thefts and I've got to

do a bit of checking about, all right?

How important is it? I can assure you we've seen nothing suspicious.

No, of course you haven't.

Nevertheless, I think I'll take a little peek in the food case. Is that all

right?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Rosary?

Evensong, I think.

Come on, you buck!

No, no, it's all right, it's all right.

God bless you.

You slag baits!

I say this very sincerely.

It's a treat to be appreciated.

You don't know what a leg up it is for me.

to be among a bunch of folks like you, you rotorarians, who know what it is to

make your way in the world.

And I'll say this very most sincerely and very most honorably.

I've been knocking my pipe out for 40 years and not a sausage.

Nothing. Not a nats of appreciation.

You slag riding, I'll fix you!

I'm sorry, Charles. I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave.

Nor you, Mrs. Bates.

They got him in the end though, didn't they? Yeah, that Norma grasped on him

good and proper, didn't she? I had her down as if he right from the word go.

Yeah, of course you did, Arthur. Well, the one I was worried about was Pongo.

Idiot.

He talked his way out of that all right, didn't he?

And Sue did you and him a right favour telling the old builder it was all down

to Norma. All that jam and all that stuff.

Maybe, maybe.

Yeah, were you there yet?

Yeah, just past that boozer.

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

What?

I'm a friend of Karen Bradley's. They've come for a refund.

Well, you can get stuff, mate. Oh, dear.

Yeah, that's a nice camera, isn't it?

Is it worth a few bob, is it, eh?

Hey, leave it out. Now, let's go and have a chat, eh?

So, now you've got your money back, what are you going to do, have another go?

No. When I was in front of that bloke's camera, I just felt dead ridiculous.

You know...

I mean, even if I went somewhere proper, it'd be down to the same thing.

Stick your bum out, stick your tits out.

No, I've decided not to be exploited as an object.

Yeah, he's the same, aren't you, Arthur?

What? Come and drink up, I'll get you down to the station.

Then I've got to shoot round the hotel.

You what?

I've got a friend in the hotel business.

It's his mother figure.

Now then, you.

You wait, I'll catch up with you in a couple of years.

Here is a foul message for you, Arthur.

A bloke called Higgins from the Rotary Club.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he said he's sorry your speech got messed up. Would you like to have

another shot?

What did I tell you, see? Give them a taste, they'll come back for more.

He's suggested a theme.

Oh, yeah.

Come then, let's have a look.

No, no, no.

Alcoholism and a small businessman.

Well, you're not very big, are you?

I'll change the situation.

Right people, right land, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

You keep me near, I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you. I'm

help you. Love you like you want me to.

I'll do anything for you.

I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'll do like you want me to. Love you like you want me to.