Original subtitles

you

To be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

To be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Anything good?

Well, it looks like a choice between managing director of British Leyland or

stacking baked beans in Sainsbury's.

Rowan?

Alexander Rowan?

Yes?

Hello, Muriel. Oh, sir.

I've got it.

Got what?

Record player.

You said you wanted a record player, remember? Yes, but I didn't want it for

another couple of weeks, Arthur. I told you, it's for John's birthday a couple

of weeks, I said. Hello, Terry.

Mr. Bandon.

Oh, Muriel, please.

A couple of weeks. I'll never hold on to that for a couple of weeks. They go

like hot cakes. Yeah, but do they go like record players?

You what? What is that?

Genuine Chippendale. Worth a fortune.

Chippendale? A record player?

Chippendale? Yeah.

Charlie Chippendale in Romford.

You must have heard of him. He got the Duke of Edinburgh's award for industry

last year. I don't know, Arthur. I was thinking more in terms of something like

a nice music centre. Nothing fancy. I could not lay my hands on one of them

a month at least.

And it will cost you a lot more than this.

Oh, OK, bring it in. I suppose you'll have to do.

Terry?

Ain't you going to give us that?

With my bat?

Hurry it up, Arthur. John's going to be back from school in a bit. I don't want

him to see it. It's supposed to be a surprise.

Hurry up, Terry. Don't keep the customer waiting.

Better come another day.

Oh, all right.

All right, sit down, would you?

My name is Morley. I'm your probation officer.

You were released.

This morning.

Settled in all right?

I found a bed, if that's what you mean. What do you expect, a royal suite?

Sorry? Right, now, while you remain on parole, I am responsible for your

I know what you're responsible for, Mr Morley. You don't have to explain.

Rowan, it's going to be hard enough getting you back to work.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I just thought I could save you some time.

Right. Now, when you went inside, your wife divorced you, took the children to

Australia, is that right?

Yes. So you've got nowhere to live?

Not yet.

You presumably know that owing to the nature of the offence you went to prison

for, there's no question of you continuing to practise as an accountant.

Quite. So you've got two immediate objectives, a job and somewhere to stay

you leave this hostel.

It's in hand.

Oh, it is, is it?

Yes.

You understand, of course, that if you associate at all with anyone who has a

record, then... I do understand, yes.

Is that all?

Let me know if you have any problems.

Yeah? Mr Jones is here.

Who's that?

From the VAT.

Well, turn the VAT off.

Look... No, you're right. He made an appointment yesterday. You said it was

Hell does. All right, wheel him in. Oh, Miss Fraser.

Yes? Any word from Kuwait yet?

Not yet, Mr. Stanton.

Well, keep trying.

Of course, Mr. Stanton.

Would you like to?

Now then, what do you want?

Hello, Ted.

Well, I'll be damned.

Probably, yeah.

I had no idea. I didn't know you were, well, out, is the word.

Oh, sit down, sit down.

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure it isn't all wired up.

Still got your old sense of humour, I see.

No, I haven't, Ted. I lost it the first day inside.

Have a cigar.

They're a band that's hand -rolled.

You're used to smoking one in each hand.

There's something else I learned to do without.

Here, what's all this VAT?

It's the only way I could get in here.

What's that?

My ears on the blink.

You're welcome any time, old son.

Stone the crows with friends, aren't we?

I don't know.

Are we?

Is the Pope Polish?

You look the picture of success, Ted.

Very nice.

You could be Rupert Murdoch sitting there.

Oh, come on.

Relax. You don't have to call in your muscle.

You want your old job back, Alex?

You got it.

We both know why I'm here, Ted, so let's stop poncing it on.

I want my 60 grand.

My unpaid salary, you promised me.

Alex, I have to tell you something.

While you were inside, there's been the most almighty recession.

Is it the property market right in the kiskers?

I kept your name out of court standing and I kept you out of prison. The price,

if you recall, was agreed at 60 ,000. You said it would be waiting for me when

got out.

Well, here I am.

Kid, I'll be frank.

I haven't got it. You keep twice that in petty cash. Straight up, I haven't got

it.

How's Muriel?

Haven't a clue. We got divorced.

All right, then.

What about little Johnny?

It'd be a shame if anything happened to him, wouldn't it?

Don't try and frighten me, Rowan.

I'm fireproof.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll pay for a week's bed and board the local YM.

Can't be fairer than that, can I?

Nobody ever accused Ted Stanton of being a cheapskate, did they, Charlie?

Nobody ever accused you of being a cheapskate, Mrs. Stanton.

Hey, watch where you're going.

What's the matter with you? Are you blind or something?

Get those back!

Let's go for a little spin.

I want to eat your bag.

Before I get...

Do you follow the train or something? I'm all right.

What happened?

John!

Nothing.

Where is he?

Nothing to get worked up about.

Who was he? A couple of yobs from Lanscombe School.

Right, that settles it. From now on, I fetch you.

No, you can't. You watch me. Mum, you haven't picked me up from school since I

was ten. It'll make me look a child.

But I'm all right, really.

Who are you calling?

Look, I hope you realise this wasn't my idea.

Oh, no.

It's so ridiculous.

No more of me, sunshine.

Listen, how do you know they were from the local comprehensive?

Well, they said so.

Oh, they introduced themselves, did they?

Leave off.

They called me named.

Use your routine.

It goes on all the time.

We get one of them, and they get one of us.

We?

Not me, personally.

I leave that to the rugger mob.

Yeah, but don't you want to get even with them?

You mean, am I out for revenge?

Yeah, it's only natural, isn't it?

No, it isn't natural.

Look, one of the few characteristics separating humans from animals is our

ability, if we choose, to rise above our baser instincts.

Dave, do you mind?

Yeah, right.

That's 48.

48.

Why did you have to say that?

One vodka refill, 48p.

I didn't ask for that.

Arthur, I heard you. Do you mind, Dave, you said?

Do you mind not interrupting me when I'm doing my accounts?

Cackling like an old hen.

I can't put it back in the bottle.

I'll stick it on the slate.

What's so hilarious, anyway?

There's a story here about a bloke who lost his wooden leg on the tube.

I don't think that's very funny.

It's a riot.

Dear, oh, dear. Whatever happened to compassion?

Give us a lager, Dave.

Arthur.

Arthur.

Oi, you.

Terry, sometimes you make me quite perturbed.

Listen, how much longer have I got to play nursemaid to that kid?

As long as it takes.

How long's that?

Well, Terry, you've got something against gainful employment.

I mean, if you have, just say the word. I'll nip down the nearest exchange and

take my pick from saddle soapers to brain surgeons. Look, all I'm saying is

young Einstein is not mad about me waiting at the gates every night. And

frankly, neither am I. Well, you're not there to be popular.

You're there to stop him getting knocked about by a load of comprehensive

yobbos.

You're talking to one of those comprehensive yobbos, if you don't mind.

Yeah, Jerry, 35p. Look, his mother is a dear and valued friend. I am doing her a

favour.

Well, you go and wait for him every night, then.

We'll take the lip from his mates.

Sir, are you telling me you can't cope with a bunch of school kids?

Oh, dear, I'm going to have to have a look at your ongoing potential.

Now, look, drink your drink and shut up.

I think I'll have a touch of the tincture, landlord.

Sounds like you had a good day, Maurice.

I have saved my good friend Abraham Jebovich 560 quid on his income tax.

That's what sort of a day I've had.

Eh? What do you think of that, Arthur?

560 biggins.

500.

I think I'll go and work at Victoria Station.

It's quieter.

Hello. What's this?

No, it's just some old stock I managed to shift.

Genuine Chippendale record player? Yeah, I want to find out what it comes to, if

you don't mind.

Arthur. What?

If it don't come to £427 .35p, get yourself a better calculator.

How much?

Perhaps we could discuss your slate, Arthur. Look, after VAT and tax, I don't

get none of it. I don't know why I bother.

You would have a show -off, wouldn't you?

Right, I'm going.

Doing a school run, aren't I?

Early.

What's he on about?

Oh, he's minding Muriel Standen's kid.

Don't tell me you know Ted Standen? No, no, but I know his ex -missus.

Damn. B &C King.

B &C, Maurice.

What's that?

Bribery and corruption.

Standen's turned it into a fine art.

Those Nazi boys give you a hard time, eh?

Never mind, your nanny's not going to look after you.

Look, how much longer is this going on?

Don't ask me. Ask your mum. She's paying.

It's been a week, for God's sake.

Look, I'm twice as keen as you are to jack it in.

I mean, must you wait right by the gate?

I mean, can't you stand up the road a bit?

Yeah, if you want.

And walk behind.

Make it look like we aren't together.

Anything you say, Chief?

Oh, for us. Hello. What's in your case, then, you melon? Leave me alone.

All right, all right. That'll do. Hands off.

Hang about, cowboy. This ain't your fight. You're wrong again, Tarzan.

No, don't be silly, sonny.

Come on, come on, you big brave boy. Do you want some?

All right, you.

Let's go and have a chat with your headmaster, eh? He's off to break me

Keep building.

Wait. We're not from Lancaster School.

Do what?

Win it from the comprehensive.

Are these the same two jokes as last week?

I believe so.

Yes or no?

Yeah.

All right, then come horse again. Somebody paid us to. Who paid you? Who?

don't know.

How did you get your money then?

I sent a post office.

Look, we didn't hurt him, honest.

Doesn't matter a bit, they said.

Once a week.

Oh, God, on your bike and don't come back.

Pick up your case.

So who paid to have you done over?

I don't know.

What's it all about? I've no idea.

Well, I have.

Hold on, where are you going?

Make sure he's done his own work.

Well, you heard her.

Get stuck in or there'll be no television.

Yes, I know about the regulations, Sir Brian.

But there's ways around everything.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Well, why don't we have lunch and talk about it, eh?

Hit the tick, Julie, and stand back.

Fine.

Ted. I've got an important call coming through from New York. Yes, bye.

What do you want me to do? And make it quick.

Someone is paying to have John roughed up.

Do what?

Once a week. Now, I want to know who, and I want to know why.

How do you mean, roughed up?

I thought you'd know, you burk. It's written all over your face. It's

to do with one of your rotten deals, isn't it?

Someone trying to put the arm on you through John.

I've no idea what you mean. Oh, no. Oh, dear me, no.

You think I'd stand here and let that happen to the kid? You'd help if there

a couple of quid in it. What kind of father do you think I am, Muriel? Didn't

start a trust fund for that lad?

Who are you ringing? The police.

No coppers.

Right. Then let's get down to business, shall we?

You remember Alex Rowan? Yes. Well, he's out.

He says I owe him. He's only 9 % of the bleeding shilling. I don't owe him a

bean. Then I can tell him it's Rowan?

Bring in the police and Rowan will blow the whistle.

Which will put me away for a start.

Where you belong? Which will stop your maintenance and the kids' school fees.

The whole gravy train, Muriel.

Gravy train?

I get the gas cut off at least once a year. The school practically has to sue

for its money. I get answers over the bills you hold off paying until the last

minute. And you talk about gravy train, you sod!

No fancy colleges for him, Muriel.

I tell you this, if I go down, I'll make damn sure the two of you end up

squatting. And what is John to do in the meantime?

Teach him karate.

You don't give a tod, do you?

Blimey, your own son! He's no son of mine.

You pampered him till he's scared of his own shadow.

He can't tell the difference between dominoes and football.

The only time he gets near a girl is when he sits next to many hairdressers.

If you blew on him, he'd fall over.

He's your kid, Muriel.

So don't saddle me with your sugarplum fairy.

How does anyone get to be such a bastard?

Practice.

Come on, girl, keep punching.

I'd sooner be on the game than work for him. How do you stand it?

He pays me three times what I get anywhere else.

And in a few months' time, I'm going to have enough money to put down on my

house. And then, bye -bye.

Good for you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Dandon.

Don't you wish to see Mrs Dandon in future?

And what about my call to queue? Wait.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what's all this?

Once upon a time, there was a bloke called Arthur Daly.

He was a nice enough sort of geezer. Oh, help yourself.

He just couldn't mind his own business.

Ah, no, no, no. It's about them record players. Always poking his nose in where

it didn't belong.

One day, along comes somebody who broke it off.

So, you call off your boy for minding Ted Stannin's kid. All right? Yeah,

yeah. Of course.

That way you get to keep your nose.

And your teeth.

He's been as good as golden, doing his homework.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Any more tea in that pot?

Not yet, I'll get you another cup. Don't bother, you haven't got foot in the

mouth, have you?

No, not yet, no.

So where did you go?

To see his dad.

And?

It's one of his offers.

They fell out.

Well, what did he say?

About John?

Yeah. He said teaching karate.

Well, that's it, he's not going to fix the geezer.

That's it.

Not exactly a family man, is he?

When it comes to warmth and affection, Ted makes Hitler look like Francis of

Assisi.

So what are you going to do?

Well, for a start, I'm going to ask you to go on minding him.

Yeah, OK, cool.

I know it's a drag, love, but what else can I do?

Well, I'm not exactly mad about people who take it out on kids.

Tough.

This other bloke, what was his name?

Rowan. Alex Rowan.

He was Ted's chief accountant.

Then there was this bribery and corruption case.

Must be three years ago now.

About the time Ted and me split.

Rowan went down and Ted stayed out.

He was supposed to pay Rowan to keep you dumb.

And now he wants his money.

Which Ted isn't forking out.

Typical.

Blood out of a stone's a doddle compared with getting him to let go of cash.

Listen, I'd better shoot.

And don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him for you.

You're the first person in years I feel I can trust, Terry. You know that.

I mean, that's me, innit? Old dependable.

Bye, love.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Thanks.

So, it has to do with my father.

Oh, Terry, thank God you're here. For one word.

You had enough of those already, Arthur. No, no, no. This is no time to be

satirical, my son.

I have got a job for you. I can't begin to...

Lovely money, four -day need, double time after five o 'clock.

Eh? Sounds handsome, doesn't it?

Yeah, as soon as I've finished at the stand -ins, I'll do it.

No, no, you don't understand.

You have to start tomorrow.

Don't be daft. I can't, can I?

Well, why can't you?

Well, I just told you.

Look, if you're worried about the kid, don't, because I talked to his mother

she don't mind.

When did you talk to her?

When?

Yeah, when.

What time?

What is this, the old Bailey, an old trial or something?

No, the only thing is, I spoke to her an hour ago and she was begging me to stay

on.

All right, Terry, I'll be honest with you.

Come here, come here. Look, I have just had a discussion with a bloke, a big

bloke, and I mean big, you know, one of them.

And we reviewed the situation and the upshot was that if you don't stop

the kid, I am going to lose things.

What sort of things?

Just... Things?

Parts of me that I'd rather hang on to?

No, I'm serious, Terry.

Look, wasn't it the great Arthur Daly who once said, loyalty is above value?

Yeah, but it's loyalty and loyalty, isn't it? Yeah, exactly.

So when Muriel tells me to quit, I'll quit.

All right?

Getting the message, is he, Mr Rowan?

No. What do you want us to do?

I don't know. Let me think a minute.

If you ask me, we ought to have another word with this gaffer, that Harper Daly

bloke. Pull his ears off.

What do you say, Phil?

Yeah. Listen, you two. I don't want anyone face down in the river. This

Chicago.

I'm not Al Capone.

Just persuade them with something a little less, well, permanent.

What hand do you write with?

This one.

Right, so that means you lead with this one, right?

That's there for protection.

Keep it up by all the time.

Right, that's it.

You'll think you'll have to look at the geese you're going to hit, right?

So, hit me.

I don't want to hit you.

Well, pretend I'm your dad. Oh, look, why bother? I'm not interested in all

macho stuff.

Lichten, do you want me wet -nerping you for the rest of your naturals?

No.

Well, come on, try.

I'm your dad, right?

You don't like me, do you, son?

No, I'll make you stand up straight.

What you doing? Be a man. Come on. Come on, son.

Come on. Tote that bodge. Lift that bale. Come on.

Oh, no, no, no. Hold on. Come here. Come here.

By the time you learn to box, you'll be in one.

Look, pretend I'm you, right?

Now, grab me round the back of the neck like that geezer did the other day.

No, grab me round the neck.

Right. Now, you don't need all this kung fu, although it does help, right? All

you need is the heel down the shin and wallop right on the instep.

That'll stop him from creaming you. I find this conversation extremely

distasteful.

There.

Will you suit yourself, then?

No, wait.

I'm sorry.

Do you want a... Thanks for trying to help him, Terry.

He may be brain of Britain, but he ain't going to get any A -levels at self

-defence. I've always been too protective.

I wish I hadn't now.

There's a big, bad world out there just waiting to ease him up.

Yeah, well, thanks for the notion.

Are you off anywhere special tonight?

No, I'm just shooting down a Winchester for a cuff.

I get so bored going to the Savoy night out at night.

Do us a favour.

I don't think I've got time.

Take him with you.

Eh? Please.

What for?

I'm not going to learn much about life putting you watching telly every night.

Well, do you fancy coming down to my club for a drink or what?

Have I got to change?

No, they'll let you in like that.

Just get a jacket. You don't want to catch a chill, do you?

You're a bit of a punter, are you?

Only on certainties.

Let me give you a little fact of life.

With these, there is no such thing as a certainty.

Oh, we'll see.

Got it?

One more go, yes?

What am I going to put in here? Oh, this.

Woo -hoo!

I still have a new school uniform with that look.

I'm not even taxed on it.

Oh,

dear, oh, no. What a stroke of luck.

A stroke of luck? I've been watching them.

Every eight goes is a small win, and every 15, a big one.

Just enough to keep people playing.

Do you work that out all by yourself?

Let's see what an expensive education does for you.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

You're not old enough.

I'm 18 tomorrow, as a matter of fact.

Well, in that case, you can buy me a drink, but you can't buy you one, can

Come on.

Same again?

Yeah, a lager and a Coke. On him.

Big spender, eh?

Big winner, look.

Why do you work as a minder, Terry?

Get beat starving.

Get much job satisfaction, do you?

Well, you have to make do with the talents you've got, you'll find that

son.

Do you know what you're going to do when you grow up?

There's no question about that. What?

I'm going to sort my father out, once and for all.

Arthur. Here you are. What a nice surprise to come in. Oh, Tom.

Sorry I'm so late, but I just happened to be passing.

It's all right.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Far from it.

Take your coat off, have a drink.

Oh, Tom.

Vodka and tonic, isn't it?

You're just a touch, you know.

You're looking well.

Divorced, love.

Made a new woman of me.

All I need now is a new man.

Cheers.

Cheers.

How's, um... How's Terry, you know?

Oh, fine.

He's a grand lad, Arthur.

Salt of the earth.

Why?

Hmm? Why do you ask?

Well, no, he's not, um... He's feeling all right, is he?

Yeah.

Not, um... Not looking a bit piggy?

No.

Arthur, what are you trying to say? Come on, pick it up.

There's nothing wrong with Terry, is there?

He's a brave kid.

They threw away the mould when they made him, I tell you. What is it? What's the

matter with him?

It's, uh... The old ticker.

The ticker?

Terry's got heart trouble.

Doctor's told him to take it easy.

His old white -haired grandma's told him, but he won't miss them.

You see, he's got this thing about loyalty. He cannot... Once he's started

job, he cannot leave it until it's finished. Never mind restraining him.

why didn't you tell me? I had no idea.

Well, I thought, look after a kid for a couple of days, just up his street. Not

too strenuous.

Because, see, I didn't realise how long it was going to go on.

I mean, I should have thought. I mean, I realised that. I blame myself.

You let him take that record player all the way up to the attic.

But that is exercise.

I mean, he's got to get exercise.

But punch -ups is tension.

I see.

Oh, how awful.

Well, I'll get someone else, of course, right away.

That's very good of you, Muriel. If only I'd known.

Um, there is just one thing, Muriel.

When you tell him, don't let him know that you know about his trouble.

Right. See, he's got this terrible pride.

He cannot bear people making allowances for him, you know what I mean?

Glad you told me, Arthur.

Well, I thought it my duty, Muriel.

Well, with the amount of money I required, you can get a taxi.

You can buy one, couldn't you?

Just about.

Your mum would go mad, you know.

Hey, hold on, hold on. Back off, mate.

Oi, don't get at me, son.

Wait a sec, wait a sec. Wait a sec?

What is this, Mark with the bleeding Queensberry? The hand, I think it's

Oh, me foot, it's all swollen up.

I don't believe this.

Two biggest jelly beans I've ever seen.

We're not used to this luck, but nowadays you've got to take what's

haven't you? That's right, sunshine.

So you're going to tell me where Rowan is?

Well, tell him, Ron, will you, and then we can go home. He'll be in Sid's

nursery tomorrow at 11, straight up.

Where? Sid's notary.

Thank you. Thank you.

Come on, ladies.

Time to go home.

Well done, Rocky.

Thanks.

See, just going for the vital part.

Tell you what, you would have been proud of John by the night.

There are these two chaps... John, it's late.

You've got a call tomorrow. I've got to beg on.

Can't I tell you? You can tell me tomorrow.

Now, good night.

I'll see you, Terry.

Yeah, rock on.

Well done.

Thanks.

Look, I'm sorry if I kept him out too late. No, no, no, not that.

I'll tell you what, if it hadn't been for him, I would have ended up as

hamburger meat tonight.

What?

You've not been in a fight, have you? Oh, God, are you all right? You ought to

be resting. Why don't you sit down?

Get up, I'm all right.

Terry, love, I'm really grateful for what you've done for John.

He's come along fine, hasn't he?

Here.

What's that?

It's what I owe you.

I'm having to let you go.

They're not finished with him yet, you know.

I'll manage.

We'll be all right.

Well, you're the boss.

You've got too much on the slate, Dave.

How can I run a club like this without giving credit?

Harden your heart, my friend.

Do me a favour. I lose half my bleeding members.

Look, in their revenue, don't recognise generous spirits, Dave. Owe them a

million. That they can respect.

But £114 .95?

Forget it, Dave.

It's the old Chinese elbow, isn't it?

The call of the devil. Just turns around and gives me my cards.

Well, I don't understand. It gives the lager, Dave.

No, Murray. I mean, there's no reason. Give her nothing.

Well, who knows what women must have. One minute, you'll beat them off with a

club. The next, it's don't slam the door on your way out.

There you go. Cheers.

Yeah, I think that's right. Oh, I see.

Everybody goes Dutch now, don't they?

Bloody common market. Vodka and tea, please, Dave. Right.

Well, cards are no cards. I'm not done yet.

What does that mean?

Oh, that kid a favour for last night.

Now, look, Terry, leave charity work to the Sally Army and Jimmy Savile, will

you? You're off the payroll.

End. That'll be 60p, Arthur.

Stick it on the slate, Dave. Arthur, I want to have a word with you about your

slate. Dave, I am busy. I am in conference.

Arthur, would you have a word with my financial advisor?

You owe my client £13 .41p.

Client? Am I going to flee the country for 13 quid?

Probably. Look, I don't come here to be insulted.

No?

Where do you go?

As the Chippingdale record players do in Arthur.

You know, this recession is killing old -fashioned friendliness.

The ice is getting into the soul of this country, just like they said in New

Society.

It's too early for that, I'll see you. Where are you off to?

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. Ah, come back here.

No, I'm just going to have a quiet word with this Rowan geezer.

Alex Wright?

Yeah, do you know him?

The bloke who just done something for Ted Stanton.

Yeah, that's the one.

I taught him all he knows.

Not all I know, though.

You taught him, Morrie? I didn't know you was a professor.

Evening classes. I took a class or two back in the Punic Wars.

He was the best accountant of the year.

Young Rowan. And he screwed up. He got ambitious.

And from there to being a crook is a very short step for mankind.

So what does he do? He goes and works for Ted Stanton. And before he can pay

Charlton Athletic, he's flopping out.

Yeah, well, your star pupil is now beating up kids.

Hey, Terry, if you go out through that door, don't bother to come back. Just

keep on going, because it is the end of the road for you and me.

Oh, he's gone with the bleeding wind.

I am serious, Terry. I'm using my serious voice.

Just a minute. I mean, Alex Rowan was never heavy metal.

I mean, it's not like him to use frighteners.

Stand and owes him money.

Well, what's it to you, anyway?

I'll tell you what it's to me. There's two things in life I can't stand.

Sugar and tea, and the other is a man who bribes his way into replacing

with multi -storey car parks.

Where is Rowan now?

In a little cafe round the corner.

Can I come with you?

Yeah, if you want, yeah. Just a minute, just a minute. May I remind you, we have

an agreement, an arrangement.

I tell you what to do and where to go, and you do very well out of it, Terry,

I may say so.

Oh, yeah.

I have an assignment for you now, and I can't have my employees swaddling around

and... Arthur! What?

Shove it.

That was gratuitously offensive, Terry.

Terry!

Phone.

Cheers, Dave.

Hello?

Hello, John.

Now, well, your mum pays the bills, so what she says goes.

Sorry to hear about what?

My heart?

She said what?

Arthur? Oi, oi!

Come here, you!

Now listen, Terry. Now you listen, driver.

Just sit there and shut up.

Hello, Alex.

Morning. Hello, Alex.

Come on.

Go for a nice little drive, eh?

Down by the river.

Drive up.

I didn't want to get rough, I swear it, but what else could I do?

All right, how long did you work for Standen? A couple of years.

So you just know where more bodies are buried than the gravedigger? Nothing I

can use against him.

Just think a minute. Don't be hasty. Terry, I'm not serving any useful

here, so I'll just slide off and get a few chores done. No, no, no, no, Arthur.

You can serve a useful purpose here by staying here and shutting up.

Yeah, but look... Otherwise, I'll tell your dear friend Muriel what a lousy

fibber you are and how you de -fever something rotten.

Terry, Terry, if, uh, if Stanton, he don't fall around, you know, I mean,

who gets in his way ends up propping up flyovers.

Arthur. What?

Don't upset me. No.

Alex, Stanton must have plenty of cash about to bribe the punters. Well, he's

got to keep it somewhere.

Now, think. He keeps it all over the place.

I know he milks his son trust fund for a start.

He put money by for John.

That's a giggle. He can't stand him. Well, of course he can't, but we can't

prove anything. I mean, the firm that manages the fund is owned by Stanton.

old is the boy?

Who cares? He's underage. He's 17.

No, no, hold on. It's his birthday. He's 18 today.

17, 18? What is all the fuss about? He's just a bloody kid.

He's 18?

Terry, can you find him?

John?

Hi, Terry.

You all right, mate? Yeah. Come here.

I've got someone I want you to meet.

This is Morrie. Er, Mr Levin.

Hello, son.

How do you do?

What's going on, then?

Listen, do you remember when I asked you what you wanted to do when you grow up?

Yeah. And you said you wanted to get even with your old man, right? Mm -hm.

Did you mean it?

Of course I did.

And I'm right in thinking today's your birthday.

That's right.

Many happy returns.

Thank. How old are you?

18.

Look, what's this all about?

Today you're grown up.

That's right. The majority aged 18 now.

Well, just think a minute, John.

You're legally grown up. You can do all the things mature grown -ups do. You can

get drunk.

You can see porno pictures. You can vote. You can join the army and shoot

people. Yes, but what... And also, John, you can sue people.

Come here a minute. There's a bloke here who owes you an apology.

Sorry, John.

I've got a good man to turn you over to the cop with, you great bully.

Oh, Muriel. It's OK, Mum. We sorted things out.

Thanks.

And you shouldn't be doing so much running around.

Yeah, well, don't worry about that at the moment.

Morrie wants to ask you a question.

Oh, yes.

Mrs Stannard, tell me, do you sincerely want to be rich?

Do you what?

Well, John's father set up a trust fund for the boy some time ago.

Isn't that right?

When he was two, yes. Why?

Well, knowing what it was like, didn't you find that a bit odd?

Well, I just assumed that was his way of hiding some funny money.

That's his main hobby.

Well, John here is not qualified to ask questions about his trust fund. Him

being 18 today and everything.

What kind of questions?

Awkward ones, I hope.

You couldn't handle your father, John. You wouldn't know where to start.

No, but Morrie would.

You mean, you'd act for... He's red -hot with figures. When I put up the idea,

he was the first person I thought of.

That'll do, Arthur.

Well, I would gladly act as John's accountant.

Well, let's get started, then. But there's just one snag.

Snag? You didn't say nothing about a snag. What's wrong?

Stand and nose me, nose my face. I want to last five seconds.

Fine time to tell us, isn't it? All right, no sweat.

What do you mean, no sweat?

Well, I can tell someone else what to say.

I mean, I could write it down. We just need someone that stands and doesn't

to go in and act the part.

Well, it's only Terry and me.

Well, Terry's too young, Arthur.

Mm, I suppose so.

Hey, hey, hold on, hold on. You can't be serious.

No, no, no, don't be ridiculous. Never.

Arthur?

I don't even look like an accountant.

What are you talking about? You look better than me.

Nice clothes, beautiful voice, brisk, efficient manner.

I bet you've got a tooled leather executive briefcase.

Beautiful one. Merlin Dawes gave it me for Christmas.

Then you're in business.

I could put you up for the Institute of Chartered Accountants.

Got a byro?

Oh, hello, John.

Hello, Miss Fraser.

I'd like to see my father, please. Of course.

John's here.

John who?

Your son.

If he's after money, tell him nothing's doing.

What does he think I do, photocopy him?

Oh, it's my birthday.

It's his birthday.

What? Oh, God, all right. Five minutes.

Good luck, love.

Thanks.

Sit down.

What's all this about a birthday?

Oh, that's right, Dad.

I didn't make a note of it.

Well, you said you wanted to see me on my birthdays.

Maybe if it's inconvenient... No, no, sit down, sit down.

I've got a lot on my plate right now.

I understand.

I'm hanging on this big deal with the Arabs.

Sounds terrific, Dad.

Sam, I'm not talking about a few quid here.

I mean, this one involves millions.

Well, if anyone can pull it off, you can.

Yeah.

Oh, no, John, how are you?

Oh, I'm all right. But you can't brush these blokes.

As a matter of fact, it's like trying to do business with a bleeding glass here.

Yes, sir, may I help you?

I'm with him.

Mr Sandon? Yeah. You're a friend of Mr Sandon's?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Are you sure you've got the right place?

He just came in.

Youngies with glasses.

Oh, you mean Mr Sandon Jr.

John. Yeah, that's the one, yeah.

Oh, hello.

An old geezer with glasses. May I help you, sir?

No, no, I'm within.

I see.

Afternoon. Good afternoon.

Don't tell me you're with them?

That's right.

Just a minute. I know you.

Left school when I was 15. Did a paper run.

Worked on building sites.

Dunked potatoes.

Hard days, lad.

But it made a man of me.

I remember the... Dad?

What? May I ask you a question, please?

What are fathers for, Sam, but to answer questions from their children?

It's about my trust fund.

You what?

You set one up for me, didn't you?

What's the sudden interest in your trust fund?

I mean, it doesn't mature till you reach majority.

Ah, well, I was talking to my accountant today... Just a minute, just a minute.

Hold on. You were talking to your... what?

My accountant.

Oh, I see. You've got an accountant, have you? Yes.

But you're just a kid.

No, Father.

I'm 18 today, and that is the age of majority.

So, I would like to discuss my financial affairs, starting with my trust fund.

Get out, wasting my time with these dopey ideas. Go on, off it.

Actually, I brought him along.

I think he should sit in on this.

Would you step in, Mr. Daly?

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

This is my father, Mr. Daly.

Arthur E. Daly, Institute of Certified Accountants. I'm going to count to

My client would like to discuss the trust fund... One. ...that you set up in

1964, I understand?

Two. ...to mature when he came of age. Is that correct?

Three.

And that's what your darling boss did to him.

But that's awful.

You watch out, Miss Fraser. You could be next.

You could be right.

Terry.

No, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You don't want to go in there.

Why not?

They're talking business.

Here, aren't you Terry McCain?

Yeah, that's right.

I saw you fight a few years back.

Yeah? Yeah!

I saw you knock out Britt Maloney in under three rounds.

Yeah, that's right.

It was fantastic.

I can believe it.

I think you're right.

Eh? I don't want to go in there.

Nah, that's the spirit.

I'll go and get a cup of tea.

What a good idea.

Yeah.

Nice to see you, Till.

Yeah, keep jabbing.

My client would like to know when he can expect to use the income from the fund.

Miss Fraser, where the hell's Charlie?

Was any arrangement made to do so prior to the maturity of the trust?

It is managed, I understand, by Filbert Nominees Limited.

A company resident in the Isle of Wight. Man.

Man. Isle of Man.

Correct.

Who told you about Philbert Nominees?

I also understand the aforementioned company, the controlling body of my

client's trust fund, is a company wholly owned by Standen Enterprises.

To wit, you, Mr. Standen.

Who gave you this load of old cobblers, eh?

I also understand from my clients that you're not exactly a strong candidate

parent of the year awards.

So the idea of you setting up a trust fund for your son is about as likely as,

well, Crystal Palace winning the European Cup.

I am willing to lay you odds that if we was to look into this trust fund,

instead of the 200 ,000 that should be there, we'd find nothing but a couple of

old buttons and a dead rat.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

Mrs. Standen said you were saving up to buy a house.

Well, I'm just going to have to skimp on the carpets, aren't I?

Thank you, Ted.

I know how they must have heard.

Excuse me, Mr. Rowan, my... Oh, in all the excitement, you've gone and signed

1991, Mr. Standen.

And your initials.

So, there we are.

Ah, ah, ah.

We've not quite finished yet, Mr. Standen.

It's this bloody daylight robbery.

Yes, well, you probably know more about that than we would.

It's a little matter of Mrs.

Standen's maintenance and her mortgage and my client's school fees.

I have all the papers here.

They're all in arrears.

Well, a busy man like you can't be expected to remember everything, can he?

What shall we say?

A year's payment in advance for all three?

Good. Well done. Thank you for being so understanding.

You see how efficient you can be when you try.

Go do well. Thank you.

You'd better answer it. Might be missed on right.

Fat Jones.

Hello, Mr. Stanton's office.

Q. Wade.

I'll hold. Put them through.

Well,

I think that concludes my client's business.

Thank you for your time, sir.

I hope you mean that.

Mean what?

Conclude. Nothing personal.

But if you fetch up here again, I'll have you shredded.

My word is my bond, Mr. Stanley.

Glad to hear it.

Of course, if by any chance these cheques are not honoured. Leave it up.

You think I want the fraud squad having a working holiday on the Isle of Man?

No, no, of course not.

Nice room.

You know what it needs?

Record player.

Sort of antique.

Chippendale. Yes. Then we could set all this to music, couldn't we?

Go on, get out.

Thank you.

I don't believe this. You've done it. I certainly have. There we are. He was

fantastic.

He certainly was.

That was nothing. All you need is a bit of chutzpah, a bit of nerve. He who

dares wins. Remember that. Yes, you can put them through. Look, don't go without

me. I'm going to buy you a drink.

Hello?

Shake Rashid.

You're ready to sign the contract, good. Yes.

Yes, I will tell Mr. Stanton. He is in conference at the moment with the

delegation from Israel.

He's helping them build a missile base.

Hello?

Here I am.

I looked Stamdon square in the eye. I said, Stamdon, your threats don't

me. I have been frightened by experts.

And in comparison, you nondescript slip, Pete, you are still at kindergarten.

And here is the pitch, I said.

Either you pay up or you have me to deal with in more ways than one.

Words to that effect.

Listen, I don't expect you'll hear this very often, but I'm proud of you, my

son. Well, I'm very proud of John.

But Danny ought to be father like that.

Well,

it was Morrie who told me what to say.

Arthur, could I have my script back? You never know, I may be able to use it

again. Yeah, well, Morrie, I didn't actually use the script, you know. I

just used a basic idea, and I'm more extemporising, you know. I mean, I'm

good at thinking on my feet.

Mr. Daly? Yes, my son?

Mum says you know all about record players.

Does she?

Well, the thing is, she bought me one for my birthday.

Oh, did she?

Well, the thing is, it won't work.

Won't work.

She said she went to some Flash Harry who sold her a dud.

Somebody told me they were intended for the Swedish market. Won't go on our

electricity. Of course, I don't know.

Mum said if I talked to you, maybe you could get it fixed.

Oh, did she?

It's lucky you can think on your feet, isn't it, son?

I can think on my feet. Arthur. What?

Who's paying for this junkie?

It's on me.

It's the least I can do.

Landlord.

Sorry, I haven't got anything smaller than that.

I'm sure I can change it for you, sir.

For you, sir, we do have credit.

Have you ever considered becoming a member of this establishment?

Proposed. Seconded. Third.

Hereby elected.

Come on in. Speech, speech.

My friends, for so you all are.

I don't want to dwell on my involvement with this business this afternoon, but I

would just like to say these few words.

The drink's on me.

The drinks are on me.

No, no, no!

Drink's on him, aren't they? Eric, what's the matter?

It's a large one.

It's a large McCardian coat over there.

I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you.

I'm going to help you.

Nothing like you want me to.

I'll do anything for you.

I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'll do it like you want me to. Nothing like you want me to.

There ain't no...