Original subtitles

hello sweet family your father christmas is here

we're just talking about you and the special turkey yes so today i searched

and i searched low for this turkey and i finally found the perfect christmas

turkey

What is this? A piggy head?

and get a piggy head for Christmas.

I did not get a pig head.

That Mr. Fixit, he lied to me and sold me this 419 turkey.

So you went to Mr.

Fixit for a Christmas turkey. When I told you to go to the special turkey

in Peckham. But Gladys, those butchers were selling them for ten times as much.

You know my money situation.

How can I spend so much? Dad, this is a joke.

I mean, no turkey for Christmas.

Mom, can we just go talk with this? I'm sure you... I'm sure he will have a

turkey. No, we're not going to the Douglas Inn. Your father will fix this.

Look, Glammy, you know I am being progen.

All over the place, people are spending and spending on Christmas. And when

Christmas is over, they don't have a penny to their name.

Bayo, if you want a wife to your name, I suggest you go out and get

us a turkey.

Funke, don't you just love Christmas?

No!

Busola, I cannot send you money this Christmas for a new laptop.

Money is a typewriter.

Tony, look, everybody wants you to send them money for this Christmas.

Ah, Funke, where's your Christmas spirit?

At the bottom left bit of my bank account.

I need a sponsor, you know, this Christmas. Otherwise, there'll be no

festivities.

Funcake, don't let money worries dampen your mood. You've got to learn to enjoy

life. Live a little.

Enjoyment costs money, my friend.

With the chicken chain salary that you're giving me, how am I supposed to

myself?

I'm in a festive mood. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Are you going to help me with these decorations?

Can't you see that I'm walking?

Five hours.

And I did not even meet any of those fine doctors.

And I'm okay, thanks for asking, Funke.

And you know what that doctor said? I'm going to be stuck in this wheelchair for

four weeks.

Four weeks?

And you know what that means?

What? You'll have to run the cafe.

That means you'll give me extra money?

Funke, can't you see I'm crippled?

And my own pocket, my wallet, my bank account is crippled as well. Pay up.

I need your help.

Poof.

Poof. What is poof?

Shadi. Hobie, leave me alone. I'm busy.

Shadi, it's really important.

Okay, what is it?

Okay.

Well, I really like this girl.

And I want her to like me back.

And you're asking your older and bigger sister for advice.

This is why I didn't come to you. Because you always have to act so girly

it.

So you know it. So you get it. So you get it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's be serious.

Talk to the love doctor.

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

No, no, no.

Okay.

So you want to know how to make a girl like you.

Well, yeah.

Think, Toby.

Think. What's your girl's like?

Chicken?

Really?

An apple?

Seriously?

Arsenal?

Are you really that stupid?

Well, I don't know. Girls are weird. That's why I'm asking you.

Diamond, Toby.

Diamond. Diamond?

Are you mad?

I can't afford that.

Well, I know you're broke, but you've got to come up with the goods. Whoa,

I'm not broke.

Maybe I can get it from Primark.

Better even.

Poundland.

Diamonds from Poundland.

Yeah. Toby, you're really balling.

Yo, Kevin's seeing a place to be.

What's up, family?

What's up, Kev? Oh, you're Sade.

Can I take a photo with you, please?

Why? so that I can really show Santa what I want for Christmas. I

thought, nah.

Hey y 'all busting, where you going?

Anywhere you're not.

Anyway, Toby, I'm going to go get some decorations and make this place sparkle,

like me.

Hey y 'all, don't forget the mistletoe, yeah?

Don't forget to ask Santa for a brain.

Damn.

This is so hot.

Oh, you've got some deadlines, man.

What?

Oi, how's the mission going to get, you know, to win over Jessica?

Not well, mate. I mean, I'm trying to think of a gift to impress her.

Well, as quoted out in my favourite film, Aladdin.

Die hard.

Just be yourself.

You alright?

Be myself.

Why me?

Why me?

And

I

prayed. I fasted seriously for husbands.

Nothing.

I fasted for even a big mansion.

Nothing.

I'm still stuck living with the other banjos.

It could be a lot worse.

Loads of people don't have anyone to live with.

Like who?

We all have someone.

Well, I don't have anyone at Christmas.

My husband passed two years ago.

Oh, so sorry.

Ah, sorry. But were you blessed with any kids that could take care of you and

keep you company?

Those ungrateful brats.

You slave away during the best years of your life to raise them, and when

they're adults, they treat you like a spare tyre.

I don't believe it.

Those boys make excuse after excuse not to come and see me.

Oh. And now they're in the US, what, they call me once in a blue moon.

This country, Shah, back home, this can never happen.

Christmas is a big family event.

Big.

Not for me. I actually now dread Christmas.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Don't cry.

Look, don't worry.

Funke will make you some of her finest foods to cheer you up.

Don't cry.

So, Bayo, it's Christmas Eve.

Please, don't forget to get the reduced turkey from the shop.

Oh, Gladdy, don't worry.

This time, I am all set. I will not let you down.

As soon as I finish my food, I'm going to go over and pick it up.

Sharp, sharp.

Well, you better.

Because I've invited Sister Tola's family, Pastor Michael, and Douglas'

And you know we cannot serve them anything but the best.

Oh, God, not Douglas and his family.

Don't worry, Gladys, I won't let you down.

And this year, after the banquet, and the kids are in bed.

We can go upstairs, have some Christmas pudding.

We want to have some Christmas celebration.

I better go.

I'll see you later. No, Potato. I will be seeing you later. Really?

For some Christmas celebration.

Selling me a pig's head.

Rubbish. Rubbish.

Dad.

Dad, wake up.

You sold me a pig's head.

Daddy. Yeah.

I must have been dreaming.

I thought you were Mr. Fix -It.

What a time. Oh, my God. I have to go.

I have to go and get the turkey.

Shadi, why did you wake me up? I did.

Dad, you forgot your shoes.

Dad, what about a coat? It's breathing. Shadi, I don't have time for a coat.

Oh my God, it's freezing. I need my coat.

you so much for your amazing food and the lovely stories of your husband

hunting.

I haven't laughed like that in ages.

And your food, fabulous.

Oh, say nothing.

I should thank you for the great company and the fantastic stories of yesterday.

Well, don't you worry.

I'm sure Santa will bring something special for you this Christmas.

I pray for Santa.

Please.

husband. Hello, my princess Funky.

How is my favorite little African lady?

You see my life?

Santa, is this what you have for me? This useless, bubba, this poverty

-stricken, nagamuffin, fix it.

Hey, hold up, Funky.

Funky, if you were to give me a chance, I could make your dreams a reality.

If you could, you wouldn't be standing here.

Let me take my leave and leave you two lovebirds together.

Good idea.

No!

You can't leave me with him.

Look, there is a taxi office just across the street.

Fix it.

Yes, my darling.

Just look after the cafe for me for two minutes.

Can you do that?

Anything for you, my darling.

Take as long as you want. I've got a meeting.

Don't take too long. You know why? Because these lips of mine are waiting

you.

I saw that girl looking at you.

No, you wasn't. Yeah, man, I saw the connection and everything.

Mate, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you should just forget

Jessica. No.

Why are you so interested in Jessica?

Oh, bruv. It's a shame about your turkey, innit? Oh, yeah. You mean pig's

I'd better get a turkey.

I hope he gets one in time.

Hello,

gentlemen. What are you doing here?

Artie's asked me to look art on a calf, so I'm doing that, innit?

Okay.

This place is getting weirder and weirder, innit?

Anyway, Kevin, did you send her the text?

Oh, yeah, man. She'll be here any minute.

Um, bro.

I got your mistletoe.

Okay. But I'm just going to keep it.

Okay. I'm going to stick to the plan, be true to myself, and hopefully she'll

like it. Bro, you'll be fine.

I've got your back.

Thanks, bro.

I know, man.

Boom!

Kevin,

what was so urgent that I've got to come down here on Christmas Eve?

Or Jessica. Shh.

I've got this.

Jessica.

I've got something really special for you. It's, um... Here you are, mate.

Kevin, you trigger.

What, man? It's like you say.

All fair, love and war.

Dolce. Ding!

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Um, thank you, Kevin, but I can't accept that.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you can.

Look, it's got diamonds.

I mean, at least it deserves a kiss.

I'm not the kind of girl that can be bought like that.

Toby?

Merry Christmas, guys.

Jess. Wait, Jessica.

Look,

I've liked you since the first day of school, and I've wanted to say this for

ages. It's all here.

Who, Jessica?

I wanted to tell you this Christmas how I think you are the most beautiful girl

I have ever seen.

And that you are truly beautiful.

I couldn't buy you a gift because I'm broke, but I promise that one day I will

buy you the world.

I think this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Really?

Anything for you, Jessica.

Before you go.

Nice try, Captain.

Merry Christmas.

What?

Come on!

I could use diamonds.

Here, Mickey, those chicken eggs,

I've got the perfect place where we can knock them off.

Oh, yeah, yeah, don't forget, put a 50 pound on a 450 in the red car. Fix it,

fix it. I've got to go.

What are you doing here?

Artie? Put me in charge.

I want a word with you. That turkey that you sold me is a 419 turkey.

But that turkey was bought, I've seen. But I didn't see it. But you bought it.

Do not realize the mess that you have put me in. Here we go.

I was meant to go to the warehouse to get the reduced turkeys, but I was too

late. All of them gone.

So I came here to persuade Tony to give me something.

Anything. Oh, what am I going to do?

Gladys is going to kill me.

Why are you coming?

Listen, my son.

Fix it by name, fix it by nature. I'll be able to fix it.

But the last time you fixed it, I ended up with a pig's head.

One large turkey.

But is it an actual turkey from Turkey?

That's true, it's the real thing.

Ah, well, that is amazing. Exactly what I need.

Hold up, my son.

This is going to cost you.

Cost me?

Fix it? How can it cost me after that yamma yamma pig head that you gave me?

All right, by a fair point, you got me. All right, my son.

You don't have to wear a jacket, boy. All right, what is that?

Ah, Mr.

Figthead.

Just the man I wanted to see.

Gregor! Do you have that turkey that I ordered, sir? Hello, Bayo. How are you?

Ooh, Bayo, I knew there was something I had to tell you.

I'm afraid to say this turkey belongs to Greg.

Belongs to Greg.

What, you gave it to me?

Come on, bio, you've heard the man. I claim it. I claim it. As they say in

possession is nine -tenths of the law.

Bio, that turkey is mine. I paid for it. It belongs to me. So have I.

Ah, but technically not, Martin.

Give me the turkey. Hold up, will ya? Give me, give me.

It's going to be hot, isn't it? Give me.

Yay! Oh, look at what you have done to my turkey.

Daddy, where are you?

Dad?

Oh, princess.

Daddy,

you almost killed me.

Oh, and from the look of things, I killed the tree.

Anyway, where's your mother?

She came back earlier.

With the stuff from tomorrow.

Did you get the turkey?

Well, yes, I did.

Somewhat. Be a good girl and fix the tree.

Finally, you're back.

Yes, darling.

Did you get the turkey? Yes, here it is.

But there was a little altercation.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Where is the rest of it?

That's what I was trying to explain.

Gladie, can we not just manage?

Manage what?

Toby will eat all of this in one go. Well, he's a very greedy boy.

How am I supposed to make a banquet with one turkey leg?

Look, Gladie, do you know what I went through for this leg? I was assaulted,

slapped, punched, karate, double kicked. This map is ruined.

Yeah, Dad, ruined.

Look, can't we just be grateful for what we have?

I have a calamity for a husband. I'm not grateful.

And by the way, forget your Christmas celebration.

Gladio!

Dad, you almost killed me and now you killed Kretna.

Princess! Princess!

It's the man that killed Christmas.

And my succulent Christmas turkey.

How could you, Dad?

How could you ruin my Christmas feast?

I mean, Christmas is once a year. And the Christmas feast is the best bit.

I've been saving room for this for months, Dad.

And now we're going to be having piggy head sandwiches.

Daddy, stop it. It's disgusting.

Will you two just shut up?

My sweet potato.

Ryan, leave me alone.

But like, what else could I have done?

Merry Christmas, my family.

Why are you so happy?

Shadi, are you the Christmas policeman now?

Stop interrogating me.

Well, auntie, you'll be happy to know there won't be a Christmas turkey this

year. What?

Ah, no.

Look, and I invited a friend to dinner.

My husband got us one turkey leg.

We're going to need the real Santa to get a real turkey.

Well, maybe Sister Santa can help.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, my.

Two fat turkeys. How many?

My God, it's a Christmas miracle.

us in a serious way.

Please wonder super far.

How did you get two turkeys?

Oh, well, I met an old lady, very lonely, and she gave me the turkeys for

Why did she give you the turkeys?

Well, to say thank you.

She gave me these turkeys that her son used to give her for Christmas.

So, I invited her for Christmas dinner.

God is good.

Thank you, Lord.

You see?

Christmas is back on track again for this family.

I told you it would be okay.

Not so fast, mister.

Not so fast. You think you can go scot -free?

Just bring,

pay off. Look at this woman. How can you charge family?

What about all the unpaid rent that you owe me?

So now we are family?