Original subtitles

Gladie, where is my malt?

I need some malt to attack this last piece of chicken.

Toby?

Sade?

Baby,

you just wait right there.

Don't move a finger -licking muscle.

I catch it.

Yes. I know we are still friends.

But your wife died two years ago.

Must you stay single forever?

You are single.

And I'm single.

I just want to mingle.

You need a strong, strong woman to move in with you in your five -bedroom house.

No, I can't.

Later.

is that my chicken

Totally unacceptable.

You, this non -paying lodger, you have the audacity, the effrontery, to eat my

special recipe flavored, spicy, tender chicken.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Still eating.

Nearly eating.

My chicken.

Utterly disgraceful.

Ah, dog.

Oh, dog, dog. Give me the mug. Let me juice it to wash down the chicken.

Down my belly.

God bless you.

My friend, you have clearly crossed the line. You have crossed the line.

Thank you.

This is the last that I am taking from you. The last.

Fresh. That was what I needed to wash this dry chicken down my belly.

Do you know how much that belly is costing me? It's like a bottomless pit.

Silence yourself.

What do you mean? Look, I can't take all this insult.

What's wrong with you?

What is this?

Have you seen your own belly? Have you seen your belly that you are talking?

Unbelievable. First of all, you eat my chicken.

Then you drink my malt. Now you have the guts to compare my own belly to your

own belly.

Wonders will never cease.

You have clearly insulted me enough.

Today, today, today, we are deporting you from this house.

Deport? Yes, deportation.

Deportation. I'll be something to worry you. Are you UK brother first? Are you

UK brother first?

Do you think you are the only one with a house?

Where my brother has a five bedroom mansion.

Yes. So, pack your load and leave me in peace.

Just because I'm managing with you in this tiny three -bedroom house in

Faircombe.

Do you think you're desperate?

Carry go.

Carry go. I will go. I am.

If I had a pound for every time you said you were leaving, I would now be a

millionaire living in Banana Island.

You don't have a pound.

Let alone a pound.

I am living. Enough is enough.

I can't take any of this or nothing.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Lord, for answering prayers.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mom,

my belly is talking.

Do you have any food?

And what did you cook today, Toby?

Mom, I'm dying.

You will not die in Jesus name.

Okay?

It's almost ready.

You said that four hours ago.

God, deliver my children from laziness.

Instead of you guys to offer me some help, all you do is moan and then you

Yeah, what else are we supposed to do in a kitchen?

I can't take this anymore.

I might have a sandwich.

Mum, why does the bottle look like a guilty stew?

Because it's my guilty stew container.

Okay.

Something light then.

Ice cream.

Why does it look like beans?

Because it's my beans container.

Why do you have so many containers with none of the right foods in? Ask me that

silly question when you start buying me containers for my food, my friend.

Dying. Look, you are that desperate. Come and help me cook the food. Mum, you

know we don't know how to cook.

Speak for yourself.

I can make a mean beans on tights.

I am fed up of you two not knowing how to cook.

From today onwards, you are learning how to cook authentic Nigerian food.

Nigerian food?

Auntie Funke, are you sure about this? You don't have to leave.

You are family.

This is as much your home as it is ours.

Ours? It's mine.

Does she pay the bills?

Does she pay the mortgage?

Is it her name on the title deed? No, it is mine.

Sorry, Gladie. Our house.

You know, Gladie, I just have to follow my heart.

I think you should stay. My sister...

I know you are in love, but it's all very sudden.

But I've known Kuni long enough to know that he's serious about this one.

Why don't you just take your time? Don't rush it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't listen to her. Please, rush.

Rush!

Look, I think it's time to move on to bigger and better things.

This house is just too small for all of us.

Okay, if you're sure.

Of course she's sure.

Okay, I'll pack you a cooler to go.

Cooler.

There's no time for doubts, okay?

I'm going to go and get the car ready.

Yes.

Funke has to move on to better things.

Oh, coconut drops. My sugar plum honey.

Sweetheart. I'm on my way.

Eh?

Who are you?

I want to speak with Kulejo.

Shindakwa.

Eh?

Three kids.

Baby mother.

Eh?

Who? You are looking for him for... for child support but he didn't tell

me he has any kids at all oh he sleeps on your couch

oh my god what

am i going to do now what am

i going to do about this baby mother drama the car is ready let's go let's go

Is that my chicken again Look

I need energy from the chicken

leg for my only

It's medicinal.

The moment you can hop on that big foot, you

are hopping out of here.

Can't you just leave me in peace?

The sight of you is increasing my illness.

What's up, family?

Yo, yo.

Yo, Sade.

You are looking finger -licking good.

Almost as good as Auntie's jello fries and chicken.

Kevin, you end your lip. I'll grow.

I don't mind.

As long as these lips can kiss you.

Me? Go for big.

One day.

One day.

Yo, auntie, you cooking jello fries?

How did you know that?

Everybody knows that these are the ingredients for Nigeria's favourite rice

dish.

But wait, something's missing.

Well, auntie, where's the maggie for the extra flavour?

Wow, Kevin, I'm impressed.

Toby and Sadie used to be learning how to cook Nigerian food from Kevin.

So what are we eating?

Me, Sadie and Toby are cooking.

These guys can't cook. I know.

Thanks for the support, mum.

Am I not trying to teach you how to cook the basic Nigerian food?

I could cook better Nigerian food than you two with my eyes shut.

Shut up, Kevin.

I know you can't. Yeah, fam.

Don't get carried away.

Just because you're always munching on my mum's food doesn't mean you can cook

Nigerian food.

I mean, we are actually Nigerian.

Look here, you don't have to be Nigerian.

Your dad speaks better English than my dad.

And my dad's English.

You're having a laugh if you think you can cook jollof rice and chicken.

I can definitely cook better than the both of you.

Whatever.

Y 'all think you can cook better than me?

In our sleep.

You're no competition.

Okay. Okay.

Your auntie.

Auntie.

Auntie. I'll make my dish. They can make their dish. And you decide which is the

best dish.

But auntie, no favourites.

Strictly on the food. Hmm.

So I will be the Simon Cowell of Nigerian dishes.

Okay, let the games begin.

I don't know. So, are we playing for your MTA -type games? No. Your PSP? No.

Your airmatches? No.

Has to be something more valuable than that.

What?

A kiss.

With Sade.

For ten seconds with no breaks.

Deal. No way. Never. Ever. Ever.

Ever.

Somebody afraid?

Afraid that I might get fleas if you come too close to my face.

Don't worry, sis. Because we are not losing.

If you lose, I want your PSP.

And I want my shoes cleaned every day for two weeks.

Okay. Deal. Deal. Deal. But Sade.

You better get that lipgloss ready for me, baby girl.

Mr. Attibanjo, I am terribly sorry to hear about the incident involving your

sister. My dearest sister, Funky.

Funky.

Tell me how the accident occurred.

Look, as I was packing my suitcase, after Bayo kicked me out...

Look, can't you see that she's in too much pain to talk? It's simple. She fell

outside. I can answer any questions that you need.

It is rooting for me to check up on the leg myself.

I'm not a doctor, but...

I can see that you're in severe pain.

Ah.

Mr. Adebanjo.

Yes. I mean, the facts are all clear, so I would like to go ahead and write you

a check myself. Yes!

Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

OK.

How does this figure look? Ah, chicken change.

I'm sure you can do better than that.

And how does this look? Ah, my brother.

It is very expensive to look after my dear sister.

This money will cover her food bill alone.

I beg.

Add another zero.

Okay, Tim.

Are you ready?

Yeah. Let's do this. It's so going down.

Dream on.

Okay, here are all your ingredients.

So, ready?

Sade, you do realise when your mum boils rice, she doesn't use the kettle.

Sorry.

I've still got this one.

Sorry.

I know this is difficult, but allow the tears, man.

You can't show any signs of weakness.

I'm not crying.

It's just that these onions.

How do you cut them?

You should probably use the right side of the knife.

So how are you guys getting on?

Fine, man.

Kevin, you haven't even started cooking.

Is the laptop going to cook the food for you?

No, but I'm using this website where I show you step -by -step on how to cook

Nigerian food.

It even shows you videos.

Ah, technology this day.

Very clever. Shadi, have you seen this? Let me see. Get your own research.

Give me that. No, mate.

Honestly, for my own personal safety, I'm going to make my dish at home.

You two be afraid.

So, your check will be clear in the next five days.

Don't you have any express, Fabian?

Fatty Banjo, don't push your luck now.

Thank you. I trust that very soon you'll be a very happy man.

Bye, Mr.

Thompson.

After all the misery that you have caused me in this house, mansion house

Letty, here I come.

Mercedes Benz, here I come.

Bye, you.

Have you forgotten something?

Forgot what?

Ah, yes.

42 -inch HD plasma screen.

Here I come.

Have you forgotten that that is my money?

My money. No sense, my friend. Please, just sit down and mind your business.

This is my money.

Sit where?

Sit where, Joe?

Don't give me my money. So your leg is okay?

Look, there is nothing wrong with my leg.

But if you don't give me my money...

There will be something seriously wrong with your head. You may not want me to

break this.

Break the, break the thing.

Yeah, my uncle.

You are a faker.

Pretending to injure your leg when you hadn't.

And what about you, Mr. Faker?

Claiming to be innocent with that insurance scam.

Okay. I can't believe you made up all this story so you could stay when I

already said you could anyway.

Oh, Gladys, you have to understand.

A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.

But we wouldn't have forced you out. Speak for yourself.

I would have forced her out.

And you, I can't believe you wanted to use my sister for a fake compensation

claim. No, it's not fake.

How am I supposed to know she'll be lying to us, abusing my good nature?

He just wanted to use me.

He hasn't been this nice to me for the past five years, only because of money.

It would have been a small payback for all the grief you have caused me all

these years.

I'm so sorry.

But anyway, I know you're going to feel better with the children's dish.

All right. So all we have to do is choose the best one. Okay, my dear.

Sajay, Tobi, Kevin.

Dish number one please.

Presenting... The most authentic, tantalising

and organic Nigerian dish.

going to eat or going to Vestak festival.

Which one?

Anyway.

Looks good.

Is this rice made of lead? You want to break my teeth with it?

What kind of food is this?

It's not Nigerian stew.

It's Indian.

You have to provide them with some home training.

Especially this Shadi. Would she be giving her husband this sort of food?

Where did you get this recipe from?

Some website about Benin recipes.

Or was it Bengali?

Bengali? As in Indian?

You muppet!

You cannot follow recipe.

Well, it's not like Kevin's is going to be any better.

Let's move on to the next dish, please.

Okay. No dramatics needed.

Just pure, good flavour.

Introducing classic, authentic, not Indian, Nigerian

rice and chicken.

Yummy. It's good.

Oh, there's clearly a winner.

Kevin, well done. And you two, we have a lot of work to do.

Woo -hoo!

Glory dance. Oh, glory dance.

Boom!

If you guys need any cooking lessons, just let me know.

By the way, obviously I charge.

But for you two, mate's rate.

Sade. You better get that lip gloss ready, because my lips are waiting. Wait

minute. What is this?

Thank you for ordering at Mama Africa.

Kevi! You cheater! You got your food from a Nigerian takeaway.

You better get ready to clean my shoes.

Man, I love Nigerian food, but it is tough to cook.

So wait, does that mean we win?