Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

- Hey! - Terry!

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where’s Mae?

Mae, come on out of that morgue!

[indistinct chatter]

- Terry! - Put it on me.

That’s it. Put it on.

Tie it on tight.

No, give him the works, Mae.

(all) One, two, three..

There.

[cheering]

- Bull’s-eye! - The same old Terry.

Same old accuracy, boy.

That calls for a kiss from the prettiest lady in the crowd.

- Come on, Mae. - Go ahead, Mae.

- We’ll back you up. - Do you think I should?

Come on, darling.

I hate to leave you, honey

but I got to hit old knucklehead for a living.

[laughter]

Hiya, knucklehead.

Terry, how are you?

What do you think?

The place begins to smell like a newspaper again.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Get in there.

Sit down.

Well, how was it over there?

Pretty rough?

A lot of boys died.

But a lot came back.

I’ve been doing a little thinking about them.

Do you remember a few years ago, I used to pick up extra jack

doing human interest stuff on the mugs?

Best stuff this sheet ever printed.

Well, I got the same idea for a Sunday series

on the returning soldier.

Real names, hospitals

handicapped guys, reunions..

Yeah?

You know, all they want is the old job at the old salary.

I swore I wasn’t gonna be glad to see you.

And what do I do? Practically kiss you.

You don’t like the idea.

I love the idea, and your ugly face.

But I hate this job right now.

Guess I’ll have to fire Perkins when he comes in.

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, you know, the sheet’s got a new owner.

- So? - So, the night desk is filled.

The new owner says cut to the bone

even if someone comes back a general.

Hm.

For a tough guy, you’re not very tough.

I’m glad you left your fight in France.

You know, it’s a funny thing.

I’ve been thinking of retiring. You’d be perfect for my spot.

Sure.

Six kids, and you’re thinking of retiring.

Well, look, will you quit worrying about me?

I’ll hook on with one of the other sheets.

Yeah, but things are tight.

Why don’t you get in touch with me from time to time?

Say, if I ever walk in here again, I’ll own this rag.

And the first thing I’ll do will be to fire you

as managing editor..

...and hire you as editor in chief.

- See you around, knucklehead. - Good luck.

- Don’t forget to call me. - Okay.

You know, if you boys sit there long enough

people may think you’re part of the building.

What a lovely pair of gargoyles.

- Hiya, Fishface. - Terry! How are you?

- Three Finger. - Oh, how are you?

We’ve been chasing you all over town.

Ever since the paper says you was back.

Yeah? Well, how have you been?

Oh, it’s been tough. I almost got drafted.

With you away, we didn’t have anybody to put the bite on.

I mean, uh, you know, float a little loan now and then.

Oh. How about the First National Bank?

Or have you lost your tools?

We saved up a lot of stories for you, Terry.

Everything that’s happened to the mugs since you been gone.

You’ll be rolling in dough.

Well, you know, it’s funny, but as I remember

every buck I ever made from you guys

used to cost me about ten.

We don’t want a dime. We’re in clover.

We’ve finally got a sweet little business going.

Got time for a little tete-a-tete with the inspector?

- Oh, Terry.. - Now, you can’t do this.

- We did. - Terry, I mean..

Could you.. Would you?

What’s the charge?

Making bucks on the ponies.

Oh. Sweet little business, huh?

- Please, Terry. - Where’s the Snarp?

The inspector already had a talk with him.

He’s resting. Come on.

Now, wait. Terry!

Terry! Don’t just stand there, Terry!

Terry!

What’s the beef?

$100 apiece.

$300?

You must have X-ray eyes.

Alright. Let them out.

(male #1) ’Out you go.’

Didn’t I tell you he wouldn’t

let us down?

Terry!

Oh, Terry! Let me look at you.

Are we glad you’re home!

Yeah, I wish I felt as happy about it as you do.

Oh, we’re very, very happy.

Come on, Terry. We’ll all be happier outside.

- Yeah. - See you later, sergeant.

Oh-ho! Oh, Terry.

- Our friend. - Never fails us.

You know, your temporary memberships in the jockey club

cost me my last head of lettuce.

Aw, gee, I’m sorry, Terry.

Well, there’s nothing to do but go dig out my trunk

and head for the pawn shop.

Whoa, well, uh, uh..

Terry, it’s nice having you back.

I’ll see you around sometime.

Yeah, you look swell

in that uniform, Terry.

So long.

Well, Terry..

Hey! Why the hasty exit?

Well, look, Terry, it’s, it’s like this, you see

two or three times, we ran short on our rent

and, well, uh..

You mean my trunk?

My civvies?

All of them?

[chuckles]

For two years, I’ve been dreaming

of getting out of this suit.

Now, I’ve got to find a job to get a pair of pants.

Not to mention something to eat.

What about the paper?

They’re using last year’s reporters.

After all the words you put together for them guys?

They paid for them.

I hear they’re giving out jobs at the parish house.

Yeah? What are they paying choir boys these days?

Dave?

- Major. - Hiya, fella.

Snarp, I want you to know Dave Fernby.

- Hi, Dave. - Hiya.

You see that DSC?

That represents the lives of three guys.

Yeah.

And that ribbon and a nickel will get me a ride

on any streetcar in Baltimore.

How’s the old ticker?

Ah, hardly even know I’ve got one.

I’m glad that whiff of gas didn’t leave anything permanent.

No. How’s it going with you?

A $60 bonus didn’t carry a wife and two kids very far.

Ah. I know.

[voice breaking] I don’t care about myself.

It’s going home, night after night

with nothing for them but a pat on the head.

Could you spare a ten-spot?

Look, Dave..

You’re always number one on my list. You know that.

- But.. - Yeah, "But."

I should have known better.

You’re just like all the rest of them.

The war’s over, so forget Dave, forget everything.

- Oh, now, wait a minute-- - Get out of my way.

Just get out..

Why didn’t you tell him you was broke?

That’s not the problem.

♪ Three blind mice ♪

♪ See how they run ♪

♪ See how they run ♪

♪ They all ran after the farmer’s wife ♪♪

I knew we’d find ’em here.

There’s real chicken in them sandwiches.

- Want me to get you some? - Nah.

Hey, Jack, where’s Father O’Doul?

Father O’Doul is over at the table.

Oh, yeah. Hey, father.

- Hello, Snarp. - ’Look who’s here.’

- Terry! - Hi, father.

Terry, it’s a pleasure to see you again.

Give me a cup of java and a sandwich, will you, Jack?

- ’You bet.’ - We’ll wait for you.

Well, Terry, I suppose you’re all set

to go back on the paper again, hmm?

No.

Oh? Something better?

Well, I’m afraid not.

I, uh..

Well, I heard that you were sort of taking care of the boys

and..

I need a job.

Well, there doesn’t seem to be any jobs.

Except odds and ends.

Best I have to offer is sandwiches, soup and a cot.

Free?

Sure, we...try to see you through

until things open up.

Thanks.

Funny.

Watching guys die over there

sort of changes your ideas.

But you keep telling yourself it’s so things will be better

when you get back home.

Then, you get back, and the best offer you get is charity.

Well, if that’s the way they play the game, okay.

I can play it that way, too.

What way?

Go after the one thing that counts, dough.

Big dough.

Well, I could give you a big argument about that.

Maybe it’s one of the things, but it’s not the thing.

I’m finding out there isn’t anything to top it.

Depression is temporary.

But principles and faith

they go on forever.

Maybe so.

But you know who helps those that help themselves.

I’d like to talk this out with you sometime.

Sure. I’ll see you in church.

I hope you will.

♪ Merrily merrily merrily merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ Row row row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily merrily merrily merrily ♪♪

Better get a gander at them want ads.

Yeah.

Need another copper.

"Female help wanted."

If our luck keeps on, you’ll have to take up ironing.

Okay by me if you do the washing.

"Nancy De Brun, Baltimore heiress

to wed wealthy Cleveland sportsman."

You know somebody at that H&B?

(Terry) ’Not yet, but it looks as if every big shot’

’in town will be there.’

Thomas Byrd, Joseph Lorrison,

Lewis J. Malbery.

Lewis J. Malbery?

That’s East Coast Commodities.

Fastest growing chain in the east.

Say, I better catch that show.

You can’t just walk into a wedding like that.

Why not?

If Terry wants to crash a wedding

he’ll go first class.

- Mister? You! - Uh, Major O’Neill.

- Oh, your invitation, sir. - Sorry. Late.

Oh, but I must see your invitation, sir.

Oh, darling, I wish you every happiness.

[sighs] Thank you very much.

My kisses are my property!

I’m particular who I give them to.

I wish you were as, uh, particular about your haymakers.

Oh, wait a minute. I apologize.

- I thought you were the bride. - Oh, the bride?

She has dark hair, mine’s light. She’s in white, I’m in blue.

We’re so alike, our mothers get confused.

Well, let’s, uh.. Let’s drop the whole thing.

I have no intention of dropping it.

- There’s the bride! - There’s the bride!

[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

White roses caught by a tramp in the bleachers.

I think these will look slightly more becoming on you.

I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. Please forgive me.

Wait a minute. At least I deserve some inside information.

Why did you kiss me?

To convince that gateman I belong here.

- Well, don’t you? - No.

So, you just rushed up to the first girl you saw

shouted congratulations, and went into your greeting, huh?

Uh, I hate to be thrown out of places.

Well, why did you want to come here?

I need a job.

Employers in this town are seldom in.

Must be the uniform.

I see.

I thought I might bump into somebody here

and sell him a bill of goods.

And all you bumped into was me.

It was quite a collision.

- Oh.. - Well..

Will you join me for the wedding luncheon?

Why, I’d be very glad to.

Oh, by the way, what’s your name?

Terry O’Neill.

I’m Kay Lorrison.

It’s nice to meet you, Miss Lorrison, formally.

Major O’Neill, it’s nice to meet you, formally.

Thank you.

Oh, here I am.

Oh, and there’s your card. They were expecting you.

Uh, your name is Travers?

Yeah, that’s me. J. Cornwall Travers.

Do you mind if I just call you Cornwall?

Lady, you can call me anything.

Thank you.

Oh, there’s Uncle Joe.

Hmm?

If you knew the bride so well

you must know my uncle, Joe Lorrison.

The publisher of the "Blade?"

Mm-hmm.

No, I never met him.

You really should know him. You drove up here in his car.

What?

Oh, wait till I get my hands on that Snarp.

- Snarp? Who’s Snarp? - My chauffeur.

He told me he borrowed that car from a friend.

I’ve never been so mad in my life!

Somebody stole my car!

’My chauffeur was in the nearest saloon.’

Now, Uncle Joe, nobody would dare steal your car.

Why, you’d have press and police on his head.

(Joe) ’That’s just what I intend to do.’

Starting tomorrow with a front page editorial

on the laxity of our police department.

Oh, you know how absent-minded you are.

You probably looked down the wrong street.

And I suppose my chauffeur was in church instead of a saloon.

Oh, stop grousing, come on, sit down.

Oh! Oh, I want you to meet an old friend.

Major O’Neill, Mr. Lorrison.

- How do you do? - How do you do, sir?

Funny, I’ve never met you before.

Yes, isn’t it?

I used to work on a paper here, too.

Oh? Which one?

"Times."

I was night editor before the war.

And before that, I wrote financial news.

I also did a series on the lower end of town.

Pardon me.

Oh, yes.

Uh, how was France?

Well, sometimes gentle. Sometimes rough.

Hello, Kay.

Oh, hello, Mr. Malbery.

Don’t tell me I’m lucky enough to sit across from you.

Uh-oh. I should have known there’d be a catch in it.

How are you, Mr. Lorrison?

Hello, L. J.

Kay, you grow prettier every day.

Or perhaps your beauty is accentuated, uh, by contrast.

Uh, perhaps it’s a little of both.

Oh, uh, Mr. Malbery, Major O’Neill.

- How do you do, sir? - How are you?

I’ve, uh, I’ve heard a great deal about you.

And all bad, I’ll bet.

Kay, I wish your uncle would see a liver specialist.

It might change his opinion of me.

Mr. Malbery, it sounds as if you need a public relations counsel.

Not at all.

Pardon me.

I built East Coast Commodities myself.

I run it fairly, and I don’t intend to apologize for it

despite Mr. Lorrison.

Uh, Mr. Malbery.

Your concentrated purchasing power must give you

quite an edge on your competitors, doesn’t it?

It does...until he’s put his

competitors out of business.

Then people can buy his jacked-up merchandise

or walk a few miles to the nearest independent.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Remember, two people have just been married.

Everything is sweetness and love.

I hate to leave such charming company

but I suddenly remember I have an appointment.

Oh, I’m sorry.

I’ll, uh, I’ll see you again, Mr. Malbery.

Uh, perhaps so. Uh, goodbye.

- Uh, goodbye. - Uh, goodbye, Mr. Lorrison.

I ought to take a sock at him.

Uh, don’t you think you ought to say

goodbye to your hostess first?

Well, you handle the social business, I’ll find a taxi.

No need for that.

Major O’Neill has a car.

Oh, yes, sure. I’ll be glad to give you a lift.

Why, thank you. I’ll find my hat.

- Uh, Mr. Travers? - Yes.

- J. Cornwall? - Yes.

"J. Cornwall Travers."

These are wonderful cars.

Yes.

This one feels just like mine.

Could be.

Now, Mr. Malbery would make a great target

for a fighting newspaper, wouldn’t he?

We’ve been sniping at him ever since he moved

into the suburbs of Baltimore.

Why don’t you throw your Sunday punch?

What’s that?

Cross section a little guy.

Tell what he pays and what he gets for it.

Do sketches in his home.

Slice that against Mr. Malbery’s profits.

’It’d be quite a tea party.’

Want a job?

Is there any tea in china?

(Joe) ’You have one. Come see me in the morning.’

I’ll be there at sunrise.

You’ll be very unpopular with the rest of the hired help.

I can’t make it until eleven myself.

Don’t tell me you’re a working girl.

I toil not, but I spin a few lines

for the woman’s page now and then.

Well, my new job abounds with added attractions.

Anyhow, good luck with it.

You’ve given me that.

At least, uh, so far.

Oh, there was no luck in it.

That was deliberate planning, Cornwall.

Cornwall? I thought his name was O’Neill.

Uh, Terry Cornwall O’Neill.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

(Terry) ’Uh, Miss Kay Lorrison?’

Yes?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Kay Lorrison ♪

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

♪ You-u-u-u-u ♪♪

[laughs]

Terry!

[laughs]

"How to write for a newspaper, by Terence O’Neill."

- Good morning, Ellie. - Good morning.

- Harry, Joe. - Morning, Terry.

- Morning. - What a lovely morning.

Did I say it was a lovely morning?

Mighty valuable material to be throwing around.

First edition.

Oh, happy birthday, Miss Lorrison.

(Joe) ’Kay.’

I don’t want to pile it on, but I wish you’d work tonight.

- What now, bossman? - Palace ballroom.

They’re starting a dance marathon.

The darn things are getting to be a craze all over the country.

Thought you might enter and write a first-handed piece.

You know, what those tired young ladies think about

while they’re dancing in their sleep.

Alright.

I’ve got a partner for you.

Eddie Phillips down in circulation.

They tell me he’s good on his feet

and knows all about these things.

Their publicity man knows you’re coming.

Uncle Joe.

Never mind about Eddie Phillips.

I think I’ve got a partner.

[instrumental music]

Seems rather an odd choice

for an evening of intimate choreography.

[chuckles]

It’s the best orchestra in town.

Well, I don’t exactly bet 500 at this, but...

with you, lady, I’ll try anything.

I may hold you to that.

Ooh. Speaking of you.

Here.

It’s beautiful!

- Happy birthday. - A white rose.

Put it on.

Hoping that it’ll always remind you

of a certain impulsive, though, uh, unknown major.

Oh, ha-ha! I don’t need it for that.

Oh, dear.

Hmm?

Oh, dear, I-I wish I hadn’t done it.

Done what?

[drum rolls]

Well, folks, this is it.

The biggest dance marathon of the year

in Baltimore’s finest Palais de Danse. Ha.

[laughter]

Now, the gruelling, but graceful grind, uh,

will commence almost any minute now, ladies and gentlemen.

’Now, just as soon as the attendants’

’uh, pin the, uh, numbers’

’on the couples remaining on the floor’

’the opening gun will be fired’

’and the road will open up that leads to that $500’

’and that beautiful silver cup.’

[clapping]

Now, anyone not entering the contest will kindly

leave the floor, and join the spectators.

’Thank you.’

Let’s go.

We’re in it.

- What? - Yes, I entered it.

- You entered us? - Well, well!

Here you are, buster! Number six.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why, you conniving, underhanded bourgeois

you, you poisoner of romance.

Well, look, if you think that I’m gonna make a--

No, Terry, wait. I..

It’s an assignment. Yeah. I have to write a piece, honest.

Well, I write special features. I’m no legman. Come on.

Well, you promised you’d try anything with me.

Well, I..

I-I-I’ve never told about my feet.

- Th-lo-look, they’re not mates. - Hmm.

No, I-I-I’ve got broken arches, dozens of them.

[chuckles] Oh, come on, Terry.

Be a sport. I’ve got to do it. Please.

Lucky number six.

Ought to bring you right down

under the wire.

Do I race with blinkers?

Ha-ha! That’s a good one, brother!

Why don’t you nail it on with a hammer?

Get set.

[gunshot]

[instrumental music]

Well, folks, let’s take a good look at some of the contestants.

Hey, just cast your eyes on that number 19.

’Now, there’s a couple for you.’

’Uh-oh. Better take it easy there, bud.’

’You won’t last long at that rate.’

Ladies and gentlemen, take a look at number six.

’Number six.’

That’s us, Cornwall.

Yeah.

(male #2) ’Now, there’s a classy couple for you.’

’Just look at that gorgeous piece of femininity.’

’Oh-ho-ho-ho boy.’

’Hey, not a bad-looking escort she’s got, either.’

’Tall, dark, and handsome. Yes, sir.’

[chuckles] ’Oh, those snaky-looking gigolo types’

’can really surprise you when they get going.’

’Ha! Look at that man go.’

[laughing]

Aw, now, slow down. Take it easy, everybody.

We got lots of time to go here.

Maybe hours, maybe days

maybe weeks!

Kay, don’t you think you’ve got enough material by now?

What?

I say, don’t you think you’ve got enough material by now?

Oh, no, Cornwall.

I’ve got to get more insight

into this dreamy, comatose state.

Oh, you’re just fine.

I’m comfortable.

That makes everything peachy.

Besides, we might win the cup.

Do we get permanent possession, or do we have to

win it three times?

Just keep moving, buster.

Go on, go on.

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, don’t touch her, buster. That’s a foul.

Keep moving, keep moving. Doctor? Doctor?

Oh, man! Get up, get up!

No. I can’t allow her to dance anymore.

Oh, but, doc, we were gonna win the contest.

- ’I’m sorry, no.’ - ’Don’t talk, buddy.’

Look, you’ve got one minute to find yourself another partner.

If you don’t find yourself another partner in one minute

’you’ll be disqualified.’

Where am I going to find one?

Buddy...you’ve got one.

The best dancer on the floor.

Terry, you fiend!

Mighty sportin’ of you, mister.

Uh, no, no. Not at all. I, uh...

I have to be some place at-at one o’clock.

Yeah, you see, uh, uh, I’m a doctor.

I’m a, I’m a veterinarian, in fact.

And I have to, uh, uh, deliver a litter of chipmunks, so..

I hope they bite you!

- Shh! - Thanks, doc.

Come on..

[applause]

Five dollars for a sprint.

The gentleman offers five dollars for a sprint.

Cornwall!

[upbeat music]

What do you think has happened now?

Malbery’s going to sue us.

Well, that’s it.

We’ll call that bluff, keep our attacks red-hot.

Terry, your stories are great.

Accurate, funny, lots of heart.

People read them who don’t care a hang about Malbery.

You’re apt to find yourself up to a hundred a week.

A hundred a week?

I can remember when that was dough.

[chuckles]

Mr. Lorrison, you’ve been swell.

And I am grateful for everything.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

You haven’t quite got me. That raise depends on--

Well, I’m afraid that you haven’t quite got me.

I’m moving.

- Moving? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, where to? - New York.

Well, the "Blade’s" a better sheet

than any of those New York rags.

Yes, but there’s a guy up there

named Lewis J. Malbery.

But we’ve been tearing him apart!

Perhaps it’s time to put him back together.

Why, you can’t do this!

You use my newspaper to expose a man

and now, you want to put in with him.

What kind of operator are you?

Big...I hope.

- Porter. - Yes, sir?

- Uh, 3205. - Thank you, sir.

Well, I kind of hoped Uncle Joe would be here.

He asked me to say goodbye for him.

Oh, I should have stopped at the office.

Strange a guy in such a mad rush should be bothered

about losing a friendship on the way.

Well, Uncle Joe’s sort of special.

Terry, sometimes I think you don’t know what you want.

Yeah?

And sometimes I think you want everything.

Wanting everything often results in getting nothing.

But at least, you’ve had a whirl at it.

(male #3) ’All aboard!’

- Bye, Terry. - Buh-bye!

[train chugging]

You’re slipping, Snarp.

Why, Terry! Believe me, I never knew it was you.

Can’t even pick the pocket of a friend.

And what are you doing on this train?

Well, when you said you was leaving town

I just couldn’t stand the thought

of staying here alone.

- Oh, I see. - You know how it’d be.

Worrying about you, wondering what you was doing.

Okay. I’ll take you to New York.

Show you how to pick a bigger pocket.

We’re going after the big dough, huh?

Right.

I’ll, uh, just, uh, keep this, uh..

You know, in case the conductor taxes me for a ticket.

Ticket’s ten bucks.

Who else?

Well, there’s Eel.

Oh. Where is he?

Inside.

[horn blaring]

Are you gonna throw him off the train?

Come on, quit stalling.

Well, we couldn’t stay in Baltimore without you.

When we was in a jam, we wouldn’t have nobody

to put the bite on.

- How sad. - You might need us in New York.

♪ Because I’m longing for you ♪

♪ Nothing’s been right since we parted ♪

♪ Sweetheart forgive me please do ♪

♪ Let’s be the same as when.. ♪

You know something, the first six days, I liked that song

but now, it’s beginning to get me down.

I’ve been looking at that building so long

I feel like I owe them rent.

Look, I’m gonna see Malbery if we sit here from now on.

Maybe you should oughta grow a beard.

I can’t even back into his office

without getting the brush-off.

But someday, Mr. Malbery’s going to walk out of that door.

And when he does, I’ll be right on his coattail.

♪ To me ♪♪

[applause]

I, uh, wish that gang wouldn’t clutter up

our front table all the time.

Leave them alone, Mike.

I like the guy.

How was the song?

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Yes, that was better, Dusty.

How about just a little more heart?

If you’d give this heart just a little more attention

maybe I’d be able to sing the way you like.

Maybe I’d like it too much.

I’d be satisfied with half the time you give that window.

What’s Malbery got I haven’t?

$25 million.

Will that keep your feet warm?

(Snarp) ’Terry! There he is!’

- Mr. Malbery? - Yes?

I doubt if you’ll remember me. I’m Terry--

O’Neill. I remember you too well.

And I can imagine nothing nicer than never hearing of you again.

Mr. Malbery, you’re losing the ball game.

The district attorney is after you

and your answer is right there

those people on that sidewalk.

- What do you mean? - Look.

I’ve a slogan that’s a natural.

East Coast is banked by the public.

There’s capital for expansion

’the end of personal attacks.’

Get in.

[engine rumbling]

- Morning, Maggie. - Good morning, Mr. Terry.

- How are the horses? - Oh, never in the money.

- Just like me. - Oh.

- Morning, Trina. - No pay today.

- No? - No.

Well! Why three?

Why, don’t you know what day this is?

- Yeah, Tuesday. - Mm-mm!

This is our anniversary!

Why, three years ago today

I put the first bachelor’s button in your lapel.

Three years! Well, well.

How time flies.

Trina, you haven’t aged a day!

Oh, bachelor’s button!

You should be wearing the red rose of passion.

[laughs]

Ohh!

- Morning, Sam! - Morning, Mr. Terry.

- Morning, Mary. - Good morning, Mr. O’Neill.

- Morning, Terry! - Hiya, Terry!

- Morning, Cy. - Good morning.

Morning, Terry.

You boys are on the job early this morning.

Terry, that pool room we bought us ain’t doing so good.

What do I have to do, get down and rack up the balls for you?

No, but the customers are all playing under cuff.

Make them pay cash.

Them chumps is gettin’ so they can

play pool as good as we can.

Looks like we ain’t gonna make the next payment

to the billiard table company.

And that means we’re gonna lose the place.

How many more instalments are there?

Only five.

There’s $500.

Gee, now we own the pool room.

That’s the idea.

But this is the last jam

I’m getting you boys out of.

I guess we gotta stop getting into jams.

This is terrible.

Have you stopped making book in that back room?

We promised you, didn’t we?

We ain’t booked a bet in days, uh, weeks, uh, months.

Alright. But look..

After this, there’s no reason for you fellas

to be parking in this office.

You mean, we can’t come up here no more?

Well, up here, you kind of, uh

clog the wheels of business.

Oh, this is terrible.

You mean, we ain’t gonna see you?

You ain’t been in the pool room in two months.

Oh, hey, Terry, we don’t wanna..

Daa. Don’t be a dope.

I’ll drop by every now and then.

That’s a promise.

Oh, well, that’s okay, then.

Then-then we’ll be seeing you?

- Yeah. - So long, Terry.

- Remember. - Bye, Terry.

So long.

Mr. Neill.

- Oh, Malbery. - Good morning, Terry.

I have several things to talk over with you.

Uh, let’s go in here.

Nice lettering, don’t you think?

- Very. - You’ve earned it.

And you will earn the salary that goes with it.

L. J., I’m glad I met you.

And the stock option goes with the job.

Wow. Thanks.

(Malbery) ’Now you’re set for life.’

’We wanted you to have authority to handle’

’that tri-state commodities merger alone.’

It’s a complicated affair

and you know it clear through.

And, uh..

Oh, Cy?

Get me a compartment for Baltimore tonight.

- Baltimore? - Yep.

Tristate commodities offices

are in Buffalo.

I’m not in love with anyone in Buffalo.

And, Cy, ask that jeweler downstairs

to come up with, uh

a tray of diamond bracelets.

[engine revving]

Uh, Mr. O’Neill to see Miss Lorrison.

- Miss Lorrison, sir? But, uh-- - Never mind.

There she is.

Uh, your invitation, sir.

Uh, your invitation, sir.

You haven’t changed.

Ah, but you have.

Always prettier.

No, you haven’t changed one bit.

Surprised?

Well, I just can’t believe it.

In my wildest dreams, I never

imagined it like this.

You know, all those letters I never wrote..

Were there really so many?

One every day, lady.

But you know what happens when you’ve got your nose

to the grindstone.

Three years.

- A lot of days. - Too many.

Way too many.

Look, let’s go outside

where I’ll have more room to apologize.

- Apologize? - Yeah.

Doesn’t sound like you.

Oh, I’ve been learning things in New York.

But you haven’t learned not to crash weddings.

Oh, is that what’s going on?

Am I still kissing bridesmaids?

This time, you kissed the bride.

- No. - Yes.

Do I know the lucky man?

His name is Bert Kingston.

- He must be quite a guy. - He is.

Lady, I..

I wish you all the happiness there is.

I counted on that.

♪ I could climb the snow-capped mountain ♪

♪ Sail the mighty ocean wide ♪

♪ I could cross the burning desert ♪

♪ If I had you by my side ♪

♪ I could be a queen dear uncrowned ♪

♪ Humble or poor rich or renowned ♪

♪ There is nothing I couldn’t do ♪

♪ If I had you ♪♪

[applause]

Say, you haven’t been on the gate in a long time.

What’s the celebration?

Blue Monday.

- I thought this might help. - Oh, I’m sorry.

Business?

Business.

- Very swank. - Thank you.

Hard to realize you’re the same Dusty

I met a million years ago.

You let too much time pass between visits.

You’ve come a long way in that million years.

Thanks to a guy named O’Neill.

You know, in one way, I don’t think I’ve moved an inch.

- What way is that? - Toward you.

It’s sort of hard trying to fight somebody

you’ve never seen.

Who is she, Terry?

She’s a gal you dreamed up.

She seems awful real to me.

Why make yourself unhappy imagining things?

Does she still seem so real?

It’s beautiful!

I can’t imagine anyone more suited to it.

It looks as if it were made for me.

I’m sure the jeweler had you in mind.

To us.

Can you rack this table for rotation?

Sure thing.

Nice little place. You own it?

That’s me, gents.

And that’s me, gents.

You see my name on the outside, didn’t you?

Snarp’s Pool Room.

I’ve always figured I’d like to own

a little business like this.

- Easy work, huh? - Soft touch.

Of course, it takes intelligence to run it.

But I could see at a glance that you gents got that.

- Heh-heh. - How’s profits?

Just like hitting the jackpot on a slot machine.

- This place looks good. - Yes.

Ideal neighborhood.

You know, the way I’ve been feeling, the right offer

might tempt me to sell.

Why sell a gold mine?

Well, my health’s been kind of failing.

I figured I’d sell, and retire to my ranch in Peoria.

Look. Solid oak.

A little chipped around the edges.

Oh, that makes it more homelike.

Looks kind of shabby to me.

That ain’t shabby. That’s antique.

Strictly high-class clientele.

[chuckling]

Every man, a perfect marksman.

You know, you’ll go a long ways before you’ll find a crowd

easier with a buck.

Will it support both of us?

- Oh, you’re gonna be partners? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe we could find a sideline.

No, I don’t think that would work out.

Take over for me, will you?

With a layout like this, you can’t miss.

The boys are just horse-crazy. Bet on anything.

- Sounds good. - Sit down.

On the course, if they get it in limp

sell them a chance at the numbers record.

- And there’s always the bar. - Yeah.

This is what we’re looking for.

No doubt about it.

It’s a steal at any price.

- Just one hitch. - Oh.

- Cops. - Oh.

Cost you a grand extra.

But I’ll set you in solid before I pull out.

Oh, that’s swell.

Why, there ain’t a badge in town

I can’t do business with.

I’ll never forget one wise flatfoot, turned me in.

Ha-ha!

I had him busted..

Badges, huh? You dirty coppers!

- You flatfoot.. - Come on!

- Let’s get outta here! - Hey, wait a minute!

You can’t do this to me!

Hey, look, I’ll have you guys so far out in the country

the woodpeckers will be eating your night sticks!

Oh, come on.

Lieutenant Morrow of the police department

is on the phone again, says Snarp keeps

rattling the bars and insisting you’re his pal.

Okay.

Sorry, lieutenant, Mr. O’Neill never heard of the Snarp.

Terry can’t do this.

Won’t you ask him just once more?

Okay.

Does it have to mean my job?

No.

Now, before you throw me out

it’s Snarp’s third arrest.

No, no dice.

And I told Eel and Fishface to keep out of this office.

Okay, boss.

I guess I’ll have to turn them over to Dismas.

- What? - ’Uh, Dismas.’

My cousin, Father Nolan, runs a retreat near Baltimore.

- Oh, how’s business? - Sell-out.

He figures there’s not much of anything

St. Dismas can’t do for a mug in trouble.

He’s the Good Thief who was also crucified on Calvary.

Patron saint of hoodlums and down-and-outers.

Hoodlums and down-and-outers?

- Well? - Well, St. Dismas.

Eel, what do you think has happened to Terry?

He never used to be like this.

I wish he was broke, and we was back in Baltimore.

Money sure changes people.

How would you know?

Thanks, Cy.

You’ve given me an idea.

I think I have a little job for Dismas.

You take this and square Snarp’s rap tomorrow.

What good will that do?

Well, if Snarp buys St. Dismas

and thinks he’s sprung by him

he’ll stop pulling the things that get him into jail.

Not bad.

Then the pool hall will take care of the mugs

and they’ll be out of my hair.

Ho-ho! What a gag.

Isn’t it sort of risky, fooling around with religion?

See, charity is part of religion.

And what you’ve got in your hand buys plenty of charity.

Now, remember

Snarp will be sprung by St. Dismas.

- Right. - How will I sell it?

Shall I, uh, tell the boys anything?

Hmm?

No. I’ve got it.

(Terry on intercom) ’Fishface? Eel?’

This way, boys. He’ll see you.

You, yo-you’re gonna help him?

Boys, I’m sorry.

But this time it’s going to take

somebody bigger than me to help Snarp.

Ooh. There ain’t nobody bigger than you.

Who are you talking about?

Dismas. Now, listen carefully.

Because you’ve got to repeat every bit of this to the Snarp.

We won’t miss a word.

Dismas can really get Snarp out of the clink?

It’s a cinch.

If Snarp will talk to him

and if the talk turns out alright.

Jesus was on the cross.

And, uh, the spikes was cutting through his hands.

And the Roman soldiers

they were shooting crap for his clothes.

And there was two other guys on the crosses.

Both of them thieves.

One of them was Gestas, and the other was Dismas.

That’s our man. Dismas. The right guy.

All of a sudden, Gestas says to Jesus

"Come on, if you’re such a big shot

"why don’t you save us?

Why don’t you do something for us?"

And Jesus didn’t say nothing.

Even when Gestas called him everything in the book

Dismas turned to Gestas and said

"Leave him alone. We got this coming to us.

"But this guy, he, he’s been framed.

He’s up here on a bum rap."

Then..

Dismas says to Jesus..

"I ain’t much, pal," he says.

"I’ve been a bum and a thief all my life.

"But, well

"when you gets upstairs

would you kindly remember me?"

(Eel) ’And Jesus said..’

"Today shalt thou be

with me in paradise."

And ever since that

Dismas has been a saint.

And he sits up there and puts in a good word

for mugs and hoodlums.

Terry says St. Dismas is the only guy

who can help you beat this rap.

(Eel) ’Terry says you should talk to him’

’promise him you’ll go straight.’

Down on my knees?

Oh, anyway you feel comfortable, Terry says.

For years now, Terry and me have been great friends.

He’s pulled me out of a lot of holes.

But this stuff you’re giving me, talk!

Nothing but patter and words!

That’s what Terry sends me when I want help?

Go on, get out, the both of you!

- Get out! - ’What’s going on here?’

Get these heels out of here

before I murder ’em!

- But, Terry says-- - Get out, get out!

Alright, come on.

[instrumental music]

So, you told Snarp the story about St. Dismas.

Yeah, just like Terry told it to us.

Ah, wise up, stupid.

All them big guys are run-outs.

Get on their griddle, and they’re ready with a wisecrack.

- But not with the dough. - ’But, Terry..’

Ah, you can have your hotshot Terry O’Neill.

Come on, Eel.

Holy smoke!

(Fishface) ’For the love of Mike!’

(Fishface) ’Snarp!’

What happened? How’d you do it?

I was just sitting there on me iron bed..

...wondering, thinking.

Thinking about him.

And what I said to him.

And they come and they opened me door.

"Snarp," the copper says, "You’re free."

’Me, free!’

I just stood there, I co-I couldn’t move.

"Scram," the copper says.

’And I scrammed..’

And here I am. Sprung.

Sprung by a saint.

[knocking on door]

- Morning, Trina. - Good morning, partner.

Partner? Since when?

You’re looking at the sole owner of 12 shares

of East Coast Commodities. Own that.

No.

How are we doing?

Ohh, we’re prosperous.

Mr. Terry, I’ve got a gilt-edged investment for you.

Slim lady in the 4th of Washington Park.

Put ten on the nose for luck.

Going up.

How many people in this building are playing the market?

Everybody in the country’s buying stock, Mr. Terry.

You know, this is 1929. It’s better than last year.

Already, the barber’s made $11,000.

And not a throat cut in town.

[dramatic music]

Hello, Terry.

Hey, look, I had a little argument

with a guy at the ballpark.

He tried to tell me that government bonds

were better than East Coast Commodities.

[laughs] Yeah, that’s what I told him.

You’ll be down here this afternoon?

Okay.

So long.

Well, come on.

- Alright. - What did he say?

Boys, with Terry O’Neill and St. Dismas

fronting for us, how can we lose?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, a few more months of this

and we’d be looking for yachts.

Never mind them yachts.

Do we toss to let us enter though?

Come on, Snarp, what gives?

Just imagine cruising them tropical seas.

- On, come on, give. - Do we get the green light?

Look, Terry says there’s nothin’ better

than East Coast Commodities.

Keep the change.

I never saw a prettier girl.

- Terry. - Looking at a prettier sight.

Terry, I was..

I’m overwhelmed.

Oh, it’s just a little building I picked up.

It’s a lovely pile of stone.

- It’s a lovely pile of girl. - Thank you.

I, uh, acquired the one just after I lost the other.

I was on my way to see you.

You’re too good to be true.

Do you want to pinch me?

- Thanks. - Ouch.

Really you.

How long will you be in town?

Until tomorrow.

It’s a big city.

Have you, uh, engaged a guide, country girl?

I said I was on my way to see you.

That is, if an executive vice-president has..

Oh, I’ve got a jam-packed schedule.

And all of a sudden, there’s nothing on it but you.

How is Uncle Joe?

- He’s well. - Yeah?

And how is my favorite matron?

Widow.

No.

It happened quite a while ago.

Oh, I am really sorry, Kay.

Well, to be honest, it never was the all-American marriage.

Especially for him.

Maybe that was my fault.

Maybe it never should’ve happened.

Well, aside from that, how are things?

I can’t complain.

- You sure? - Sure.

I’ve been back on the paper for two years.

Writing a column of chitchat.

Oh, I’m no Halley’s Comet like you.

But a syndicate here is handling my stuff.

That’s my excuse for being in town.

Lovely fingers to mess around in printer’s ink.

Is that your future?

I don’t think it would be any fun to know the future.

Oh..

[laughing]

You know, this is the nicest thing

that’s happened to me in years.

I’ve often thought about you.

And all those dollars.

Ah, they’re still piling up.

And still the most important thing in your life.

No, I sometimes think of other things.

Wanna go slumming?

You’re the guide.

Snarp’s Pool Emporium.

Gents and ladies..

...we’ve all had favors from the Good Thief.

And now, we got a way to pay him back.

The boys have elected me, and Fishface, and Eel.

We have contacted the Reverend Miller..

’...Rabbi Meyerberg and Father Duffy.’

[applause]

They’re gonna hunt up the neediest families

’in their flocks, and each year’

on St. Dismas Day

the names they give us

will get the nod from the Good Thief.

And now, the guy that made all this possible

and the best pal a mug ever had.

Terry O’Neill.

[applause]

This is a wonderful thing.

I..

I’m very proud of every one of you.

[applause]

And now, kick in, everybody. Give till it hurts!

We’ll only tap you once a year, so open up them shoes

and dig out that rainy-day dough!

Give for St. Dismas.

- Alright! - Put it right in there.

Terry.

Right.

Gee! A hundred bucks!

I hope there’s no glue on those fingers.

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny.. ♪♪

You gave me a nice surprise.

What’s next?

Well, the license bureau is closed, but, uh

I know the chief clerk.

Lady, if I asked you

would I be too late again?

That’s a little too much of a surprise.

I lost you once to my own foolishness.

If you make the lightning strike twice

I’ll be an awful mess.

How would Dusty feel about it?

Dusty?

The boys at the syndicate

report she’s gorgeous.

Did you expect me to turn into a monk?

Not Terence O’Neill.

What would she say?

Why don’t you ask her?

The Silver Web, please.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ How am I to know ♪

The boys at the syndicate weren’t wrong.

♪ That found its way here ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ How am I to know ♪

♪ Will it linger on ♪

♪ And leave me then ♪

♪ I dare not guess ♪

♪ At this strange ♪

♪ Happiness ♪

♪ For oh ♪

♪ How am I to know ♪

♪ Can it be that love ♪

♪ Has come to stay ♪

♪ Here ♪♪

[applause]

Good evening.

Uh, Miss Millard, Miss Lorrison.

Kay. Dusty.

(both) How do you do?

You sing beautifully.

He’s responsible for that.

"Deep in the throat, warm, intimate," he says.

"Lots of heart."

You don’t know your own strength.

You’re traveling in nice company. Something new?

And old skeleton from way back in the closet.

He’s hidden some very nice things away.

What a lovely bracelet.

Considering what was paid for it, it should be.

I can imagine.

Shall I duck for the cellar till the cyclone passes?

Oh, now, don’t deprive us of our fun.

I’ve always wondered what you looked like.

I’ve done a little wondering about you, too.

I’ve always had a plan for this meeting.

But now that I’ve seen you

it’s no good.

(Kay) ’What was it?’

To do anything I could to spoil things for you.

You’re making a wonderful stab at it.

I used to lie there at night, thinking

"What has she that I haven’t?"

I’m beginning to get the answer.

She has the man.

[applause]

Back to the coal mines, Dusty.

Me and my torch.

I’m sorry I met you.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

Lots of bad luck.

Uh, check, please, and..

She’s pretty wonderful.

Yes.

Were you much in love with her?

Love is a soap bubble.

Hard thing to put your finger on.

Seems pretty unfair.

It isn’t a very fair world.

But Dusty’s eyes have always been open.

And to cop a phrase from you

it wouldn’t have been the all-American marriage.

Especially for her.

I see.

Add the tip.

Shall we go?

♪ Let’s be the same ♪

♪ As when we started ♪

♪ I’m wrong ♪

♪ And I’ve learned my lesson ♪

♪ Some.. ♪

Hello, Mason?

Look, get the man from the florist shop

up right away.

Yeah, he sleeps in the basement, you know?

And fill that bowl on the, uh, table

in front of the fireplace

with white roses. Right, and hurry.

♪ If you will come back ♪

♪ To me ♪♪

Secret of success?

Well, you, uh

step into an elevator

and someone pushes the button that says, "Up."

Of course, it’s better if you do it yourself.

Top floor.

With you, it would be the top floor.

A ride to the stars.

I hope you’ll like where I live, lady.

My goodness!

Like it?

I can’t see it.

Light’s over here.

Terry! White roses!

I always keep a bowl of fresh ones right there.

Oh, Cornwall, how sweet.

Oh.

Now, I love it.

How do you like the sweep of that wall?

Very nice.

I had the best decorator in town.

Gave him carte blanche.

Where in the world did he ever find those?

They’re lovely.

That, little lady, I acquired on my own.

Is it Ming?

The Chinese goddess of prosperity.

Yes, I know.

If I hold her and make a wish

will I get it?

You don’t have to make a wish.

She represents my first million.

Oh.

And that one’s my second.

I picked her up last week.

Just like that, a pickup?

Oh, not her. She made me work like a dog.

But I got her.

She’s mine.

I see you’ve left room for quite a few more.

Yeah, it’ll be quite a harem, the way things are going.

Terry, is it worth it

your ride to the stars?

Is it worth it?

Come here, and I’ll show you.

Something especially special.

Lady.

I haven’t a cloak to spread at your feet.

But I hope this might do.

Night, darkness, lights.

’Do you like it?’

Well, yes.

It all makes me a little dizzy.

It makes me feel as if I don’t know whether

I’m standing on my head or on my feet.

Why?

Well, I’m a little mixed-up.

Which is real to you, Terry?

The top floor or..

...or a pool emporium?

And the homely, lovable mugs

and their devotion to a Good Thief?

Dismas?

You told me you gave him to them.

- Hmm. - Snarp told me, too.

Such a look in his eyes.

Sure I did, I gave him to them as a gag.

- A gag? - Yeah.

It was an easy way to comb them out of my hair.

You made them believe something you don’t believe yourself?

What’s the difference?

That seems like fooling around

with providence.

Well..

[laughs]

With you, angel, it’d be heaven.

Marry me, Kay.

I’m afraid to.

Why?

Maybe I’m afraid of my rivals.

The ladies on the mantelpiece.

They’d be yours.

Your personal maids to get you

anything you could ask for.

Yes, but my husband would always be

flirting with the maids.

Hey.

What’s going on in that head of yours?

It’s not in my head, Terry.

It’s just a feeling.

I don’t know, you’re-you’re 90% of someone wonderful.

Who am I to ask for more?

You’re kind, and, and you’re generous.

Why, you’d pay the highest price for anything you wanted.

’And you’d want it for’

’just as long as you wanted it.’

’I’m sorry.’

I guess I’m a little like the girl who..

...who insisted that her man have purple eyes.

Your eyes are blue.

You’re not going?

I better go before I start to cry.

Kay.

This doesn’t make sense.

Is there someone else?

Yes, there is.

A fellow I met a long time ago

inn a worn major’s uniform.

His name was Cornwall.

Kay.

It’s alright.

I know my way out.

You press a button that says, "Down."

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(male #4) ’I’m ruined! Ruined!’

(male #5) ’The worst panic in history.’

(male #6) ’There goes my last dime!’

Wall Street names to the bottom, falls out of the market.

- Give me one, kid. - Still dropping.

Right through the basement.

Come on, you financier. That’ll be 12 cents.

I wonder what happened to Dismas.

And [indistinct], they’re closed down.

Nothing left. Not even a dime.

There’s only one thing left for us.

We gotta see Terry.

Yeah, he’ll have an angle.

Oh, sure.

The boss is sorry, but he’s in the same boat you are.

[indistinct chatter]

[phone ringing]

Yes, Marty?

Another 38 points?

Well, that’s that.

It’s been nice knowing you, Marty.

Mmm.

Marty’s headed for China.

And I’m headed to the cleaners.

Anything I can quote you on, Terry?

Yes.

You can tell the world I’m sorry I lost my dough.

Trina.

How about..

What’d I tell you, people jumping out of windows

all over town, and slim lady

just came in today at Pimlico

and paid 42 bucks.

Maggie, you’re a wise woman.

Don’t ever change.

That’s the complete inventory.

Thank you.

Mr. Martin okayed your offer.

We’ll take over the furniture and cancel the lease.

Yeah, that’s fair enough.

Uh, may I have those?

Why not?

Thank you.

It was the end of a beautiful friendship.

Is Mr. O’Neill in?

I hear they picked you cleaner than a Christmas goose.

Oh, I don’t know.

Let’s see.

I’ve got a pass to the ballpark

and, uh, a buck 63.

Terry, you still have your friends.

And I’m no fair-weather canary.

There’s no cage left, Dusty. Not even a perch.

I can still make a buck singing in saloons.

Terry.

Thanks, Dusty.

Those are nice words.

And I won’t forget them.

But it’s no dice.

Is it still Kay?

I like to meet my obligations by paying my own way.

Okay, Terry.

If that’s the way you want it.

Keep it, please.

It may come in handy to meet your obligations

by paying your own way.

(Terry) ’It’s still yours, Dusty.’

Ladies, this is the apartment.

Oh, what a grand place!

And what a beautiful view!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I do hope it’s a nice apartment.

Madam, it’s perfect.

Except for the mice.

What?

Hiya, Marty.

Well, how are you, Terry?

- Sit down. - Thanks.

What’s on your mind?

Well, I am looking for a job.

Look, there’s no use beating around the bush.

Your name’s got the death kiss all over it.

The cry babies blame you for losing their dough.

I lost mine, too, didn’t I?

Oh, but they got to blame somebody.

And they elected you and Malbery.

’Why don’t you try some other town?’

I like the climate here.

I’ll hand you one thing, Terry. You don’t cry.

My handkerchief’s in the laundry.

Well.

Well.

Thanks, Marty.

Main floor.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, I’ll be back in half an hour.

Okay.

Terry! Oh, Terry.

Gee whiz!

- Boy, it’s good to see you. - Well, right back at you!

We’ve been wondering what happened to you.

What have you been doing?

Oh, I’ve been drifting around.

On a long vacation.

You mean, you ain’t working?

Oh, that’s terrible.

Whatever drove you to jockeying an elevator?

Well, uh, the pool room ain’t been doing so good.

So I gave the boys my share.

With this job, I can slip a hand out

when they need it.

How’d you happen to get my old building?

I knew one day you’d walk right through that door.

Well, the place gives me the creeps.

Well, come on. Let’s get out of here, then.

You know, I’ve been reading a lot at nights

about Dismas and things.

- Kind of hard going? - Yeah.

I talk to him, too,

Going up and down that shaft.

Do you ever try him?

Look, I don’t go..

I’ve been afraid of that.

So it’d be silly for me to cop a plea with him.

He’s a pretty right guy.

[instrumental music]

I put in a plug for you but you should’ve spoke for yourself.

Who to?

(Ed) ’Hey, O’Neill!’

- Hi, Ed. - Terry!

This is the cockeyedest thing.

You’ve been on my mind for three days.

You better see a psychiatrist.

I’m heading for Paris on a dream job.

Foreign correspondent.

Well, it couldn’t happen to a better newspaperman.

Thanks, you know, I could think of a hundred guys

to take my place.

But, somehow, you stuck in my mind.

Are you on the level?

You bet I am.

Well, you got a boy.

Get in, we’ll head for the office.

That’s what I call service.

[laughs]

[engine rumbling]

Well, Terry, how is it going?

Ah.

Tsk.

Well, uh..

[sighs]

I sat down here to write a market report

but another Dismas piece

started coming out.

- I was wondering why. - Have you seen this?

A man named Dempster McMurphy in Chicago

has been writing about Dismas for some time.

[scoffs] How many press agents does Dismas need?

McMurphy’s awfully good.

Listen.

"Tomorrow is the feast day of St. Dismas

"the Good Thief who rolls the appeal of eternity

making shoestring catches of lost souls."

Dempster McMurphy.

"Making shoestring catches of lost souls."

Oh, I don’t know how I can top that.

Well, don’t let it throw you, old boy.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hey, a guy just tells me this stuff you write is literature.

Did he tell you why I write it?

Well, I thought more people should ought to know

about the Good Thief.

So I asked him to give it a nudge.

Oh, you did, huh?

Sure.

I can’t stop thinking about the way I got this job.

I know. Wasn’t I with you?

Automatic writing.

It’s like being pushed by some invisible hand.

And I don’t like it.

The mugs say your stories helped the collections

on ’em tin cups a lot.

Look, Snarp, I told you

uh, I don’t go for this the way you and the mugs do.

If you didn’t, you couldn’t put them words together.

Well, if I did, I’d swear he broke me on purpose.

So I’d end up writing this junk.

Could be.

Look, when things get into my hair, I comb ’em out.

From now on, Dismas belongs to you.

You and Mr. McMurphy

the gentleman who’s writing about him in Chicago.

Dismas belongs to all of us.

Don’t make me a partner.

You...you ain’t gonna stop writing about him, are you?

I’ll never write another word about him.

Oh, Terry, this is terrible.

Look, where are you going?

The Bankers’ Convention at White Sulphur Springs.

[train horn blaring]

I beg your pardon.

I don’t mean to be inquisitive

but...are you feeling alright?

[sighs]

Yes, uh..

I think so.

May I get you a glass of water?

Oh, no, thanks, I, uh..

I’ll get myself a glass..

Been under a strain lately?

Well, I lost a double-header to the ticker tape.

That seems to be a country-wide epidemic.

Yeah.

Hey, uh..

How soon can I get out of here?

You know, I’m due at a Bankers’ Convention..

The bankers I’ve seen lately should be here with you.

You need a few months rest.

I don’t want to scare you.

But you can’t keep on giving yourself

these lickings forever.

And remember, no mental conflict or excitement.

Hm.

My editor will love that.

(Terry) ’What’ll I do for entertainment?’

We’ll try our best to keep you amused.

- Ah, father. - Doctor.

Well..

I hope you’re feeling better.

Why, you were on the train with me.

I’m Father Nolan. Cy Nolan’s cousin.

Well, then, this is your retreat, near Baltimore.

It is.

[chuckles] This is one place

I never thought I’d be in.

Cy has written me quite a lot about you.

Funny, I start out for a Bankers’ Convention

in White Sulphur Springs and wind up here.

I wonder if my friend Snarp has his nose into this.

Snarp?

I don’t believe I know him.

I’m beginning to wonder whether I do.

Okay, lunkheads, Dusty wants to talk to you.

She’s puttin’ us back on the cushion.

- ’Oh, yeah?’ - ’What’s the score, Dusty?’

This is it, short and sweet.

Those O’Neill articles have been helping

your collections, haven’t they?

- Sure. - They have.

Well, the idea is to turn the St. Dismas fund

into a gold mine, and dig the gold.

From now on, we’re lifting 95 cents

out of every buck comes in the joint.

And there’ll be plenty of bucks.

We’ll get new cups

flashy signs, more collectors.

Reprint Terry’s articles and pass them around

among the suckers.

Hit the big time, guys.

Build this thing sky-high.

In 30 days, we’ll be loaded

with dough and on our way out of town.

Why, the dollars will be ringing in here

like the bells in the churches.

Well, they turned our St. Dismas fund into a racket.

- A racket? - Yeah.

Collecting big dough and knocking it down.

A lot of guys think you’re in on it

and using them articles as a front.

Do you think I’m in on it?

Not if you say you ain’t.

Well, consider it said.

I know you wasn’t.

Just wanted to hear them words.

But if things ain’t squared right now

the cops are movin’ in.

Good.

Father Duffy says it’s bad.

Some newspaper guy is hurt.

Can’t you do something?

Look, Snarp..

...I told you in my office how I feel about Dismas.

(Terry) ’I’m sorry, but..’

[sighs]

Well, I tried.

[clicks tongue]

Take care of yourself, Terry.

Bye, father.

They’d never have fallen for this crooked stuff

if they hadn’t found out you just gave ’em Dismas

as a gag.

I wish..

I wish you’d never told us about him.

Snarp!

That’s my room over there on the corner.

Would you get my stuff together?

Right.

This trip is bound to involve excitement.

Strain.

Well, the authorities will find some way of working it out.

For your sake.

Don’t go.

I’m afraid I have to.

You won’t change your mind?

No.

It’s an obligation.

I have to meet it.

Miss Kay.

Hello.

Shall I keep right on driving, Cornwall?

How much time have we?

Not enough.

I’m beginning to find that out.

I heard you were here and I couldn’t keep away any longer.

Why?

Because I knew you were hurt and down.

Ooh, I’m up and charging again.

Not after another Chinese goddess.

No. I was hit on the head with two of them.

From now on, I collect soap wrappers.

[chuckles] Terry, darling

the major’s uniform, is it really out of the closet?

Oh, I’ve even stopped combing things out of my hair.

- Oh. - Hey, Terry!

We gotta lam.

Lady..

I’ve gotta go to New York.

The mugs are in trouble again, they need guidance.

Could I help?

No, this is something that’s just for me.

It’s a mess I started and I’ve got to

try to clean it up.

(Snarp) ’Oh, Terry!’

It can be quite a tussle.

But if things work out right..

...maybe I’ll...come back to Baltimore.

Maybe I’ll try to stiff-arm Uncle Joe out of a job.

Build you an oriole’s nest.

That’s still a little high, isn’t it?

How about a one-storey nest on the ground?

With no push buttons that say up or down.

That’s what I meant.

Still, there oughta be one thing more.

We should have a clock in it.

A clock with no hands.

Why no hands?

So we’d never know that time was passing by.

So it’d always be right now.

Oh.

Bye.

So, you’re the girl

he tried to keep hidden in his heart.

Bless you for that, father.

But he doesn’t look well at all.

Letting Snarp carry his bag that way..

That’s not like him, father.

Well, he’s still weak.

But I’m sure he gained strength in the last few minutes.

Hey, Three Fingers, Three Fingers.

- Look who’s coming. - Hello, uh..

- Terry. - What do you know?

Alright, boys, no stalling.

Where is the Dismas money?

Why, Terry, don’t you know?

It goes to the poor.

Look, the charity’s foundation board is on your tails.

Your one chance is to get that dough back, all of it.

So kick in, or go to jail.

Can you imagine that?

Accusing us of such a thing.

- Gee, you can search us, Terry. - You’ll find nothing.

Don’t let that worry you, Terry.

If we go to jail, Dismas will spring us.

You know, just like he sprung the Snarp.

I want that money, where is it?

What’re you picking on me for, I ain’t the only one.

(Dusty) ’Well.’

Who is your tough friend, Three Finger?

What’re you doing down here, slumming?

Dusty, if you’re in on this deal, get this.

Every Dismas nickel must be returned.

I learned all the answers from you.

Do you think I’m sap enough to let anyone have anything on me?

Look, Dusty, you came up the hard way.

Think of the people that Dismas fund gives hope to.

Get him.

When you started this Dismas thing, I warned you

about fooling around with religion.

You said, "Religion’s that dough in your hand."

We’ve got the dough.

Now, don’t tell me you’ve got religion.

Here are some of the families you guys have helped.

This is Johnny Ryan.

Eight months in the orthopedic hospital

now he’s back carrying his paper route.

- How are you doing, Johnny? - Swell.

Every morning, we praise and give thanks

’to him and you.’

St. Dismas put the coins on their feet.

Thanks.

And here’s the 200 bucks.

And, uh..

...some interest.

Thank you very much for coming.

- Thank you. - Alright, bye.

Alright, kids.

Well, didn’t it say anything to you guys?

Well, didn’t it?

Very touching scene.

Look, we used to be friends.

I guess the "Used to be," is my fault.

But at least, I learned a few things along the way.

How did you survive the shock?

Here come some more of them words.

Yes, that’s right, words like

honesty, hard work, truth.

Buggsy, it’s your shot.

(male #7) ’Come on, boy.’

Nine ball in the corner pocket.

Eel, Three Finger, get Fishface and trail ’em.

Hey, Fishface! Hurry up. Come on.

Dismas, we ain’t talked much lately

but I hope you’re listenin’

and I hope you’ll answer.

’Cause Terry here wants a few words with you.

Well, what do you know?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

I made my donation on Thursday the 24th.

- The amount? - Two hundred dollars.

Ah, yes. That’ll be all, thank you.

Thank you.

I’ve been next to this story for three days

this is too good to miss.

Why don’t you give me the figures?

I promised these gentlemen

nothing would be done until 6 o’clock.

’You promised to abide by that if we let you stay.’

A few more minutes won’t hurt your story.

What happened at the pool room after we left?

I’m sorry, gentleman, but I had no luck.

Mr. Samuels, I don’t suppose there’s anything else

we could do. Cover the shortage or--

I’m afraid not.

Those people must be punished.

How’d you run onto this Dismas thing, O’Neill?

I hear this talk the St. Dismas fund is crooked.

I’ve helped the mugs keep things straight.

This book shows every penny collected and paid out.

There’s the cash balance.

Well, I’ll be fried.

The balance is 1500 bucks short.

That went for eating and sleeping money.

Dusty..

...I’m sort of tired carrying this around.

Thanks.

This should hock for at least $3000.

Anything over the shortage is on me.

Nice going.

(Terry) Good day, gentlemen.

(male #8) ’And of course, we know’

’the history of this clock.’

Its genealogy, you might say.

From the moment it was built.

Pure Georgian, divinely pure Georgian.

And notice these traceries here.

I think they’re most amusing, don’t you?

Oh, most, most.

And the case is so jolly, don’t you think?

Why, it’s almost a belly laugh, in mahogany.

[chuckles] Stop, Cornwall.

I love it. We’ll take it.

Oh, good for you.

I know you’ll never regret it.

Oh, there’s just one more thing.

We’d like you to take the hands off.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, take those horrid hands off.

Yeah, now.

We want to watch you, to be sure.

But for heaven’s sake, I mean, why?

So we’ll never know what time it is.

[instrumental music]