Original subtitles

Well? I'm thinking.

Don't, Arthur.

Let it all gush out.

Please. It's not a Spanish takeaway we're dealing with. It's art.

To be savoured.

Give us a blast of the ice cream one again.

Ray, Park Debbie's right. He has got something.

I feel the airs on the back of your neck standing on him.

Probably a draught. I'll have a look at the door.

You got the words?

Absolutely, Arthur.

Mind you, the kind of person you'll be selling these to, they'll probably know

that he's off by heart.

Playing in again, sir?

Just the ten?

Yes.

Like snakes and ladders.

Points. This game's saving.

Gradually building higher and higher and then whoosh!

Back to the start.

With it all to do again.

Still, if you had fun spending it...

Oh, are you careful?

That's great art you're chucking about.

Well, 101 operatic favourites for you to accompany.

Sing along a Luciano.

Brilliant. Can't see it myself.

Extend your horizons, Ray. Look beyond Neasden and Pinner. It's a big world.

So?

Amstead. What would someone in Amstead want? What would a posh periote take? I

know these people, Ray.

They get home from work, park the L4 Sprung Doork, watch it in the drive, in

hot steaming bath with a G &T on the side.

Just right for a few choruses with Il Duce.

Get rid of all that executive stress.

I bet you don't shift half of them. That is the trouble with you, Raymond. Only

think about what you can get out of life, not what you can put into it. Come

again? I am one of life's philanthropists, like Getty.

And like him, I am not averse to making a few pennies. But it is permissible to

do something for the greater good.

I didn't know you was interested in music, Arthur. What?

Brighton Grand, 1949.

Albert Sandler and his orchestra.

Music wafting across the dance floor in a haze of...

Brilliantine and Midnight in Paris.

Erdendorff's Radiant in Chiffon.

Oh, I've seen what great art can do to a man.

What happened?

What? What happened?

Oh, I succumbed to the majesty of the experience, Ray. Went down on one knee,

took Erdendorff's hand.

The rest is history.

Yeah, but Arthur, I mean, about these tapes.

Raymond, these tapes will inspire people to great deeds.

And in spite of what you think, they will sell like hot cakes.

Daily into Europe.

Oh, hello, Dave.

Ah, no, can't it wait, Dave? I'm rather heavily scheduled today.

Oh, all right, all right, all right.

I was going to have Ray drop one or two items into you, but I'll bring them

round myself.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Tell her.

I think you've done this before, haven't you?

We can get on top of this.

You look like you've never had a finish.

Thank God for that.

These eyes kill my stomach.

What do you fancy?

Haddock and chips.

I'll make it a battered sausage.

I thought we might sell a few over the bar to the more discerning customers.

Bang them next to the pistachio nuts.

My problem, Arthur, what I need to talk to you about is... Fire away, Dave. Far

be it from me to show a lack of sensitivity.

It's them beer mats, Arthur.

Have a look.

Can your club get the old grey matter buzzing?

What is it, Beekeepers Association?

Have a deck out the back.

Answer this simple.

What animal, when sucked, secretes adrenaline?

It's a toad. It's one of them useless bits of information you pick up.

Anyway, we're in. Who is?

The Winchester.

Into the 1992 mega -knowledge, not our quiz, West London section.

It's to be held here.

Copy machine's broken again.

Sarge, the coffee machine.

Kaput.

Again. No, I'm sorry.

The pressure's a few perks on this job. We're not in it for the money, after

all.

You all right, Sarge?

Do you do this Tuesday morning business?

What Tuesday morning business?

Well, you know how you get. A bit tense.

I'm feeling perfectly all right, thank you.

In fact...

I'm beginning to feel immeasurably better.

Come on.

Well, we slaughtered Arthur. Hang on, me old man. It's keeping me awake nights.

How many per team?

I need three more.

Only three? Is that all?

There must be hundreds of budding Magnus Magnuses in here every day.

I checked last night, Arthur. We have got two general certificates and about

years of suspended sentence between us.

Here, Arthur.

You wouldn't consider... No, no, no. Absolutely not.

Barbaric. Plundering the vaults of human learning for material gain. You are

worse than Ray. There's nothing sacred these days. I only did it for a laugh,

Arthur. The 1 ,500 quid prize money had nothing to do with it.

Well,

well, well.

Council of War?

I don't know, Walter. What brings you this way?

I'm checking out the opposition.

Didn't you know?

It's my mob you're up against Saturday night.

A winning post.

Appropriately named.

If there's any questions on crime and punishment, you should be all right. You

haven't been down to the Isle of Dogs lately, Arthur, have you? It's changed.

We got rid of the riff -raff.

It's all offices now. The doctor's surgery.

We've one or two in our team.

We've letters after their name.

Yeah, well, it's our first time.

I shouldn't get too wound up about it, Dave. As long as you and Arthur enjoy

yourselves. Well, Arthur's not actually... The thing is...

In any knockout, you're bound to get the odd mismatch.

Isn't that right, Arthur?

Yeah, but is it Arthur... Just a minute. I think I'm getting slight

interference.

I'm not quite with you, Walter.

With respect, the Winchester's hardly a hive of learning, Arthur, and the name

of Daly isn't going to send waves of fear crashing through the cerebral

You are up against class.

I don't care what we're up against.

I don't care if we're up against Bamber Gascoigne.

I will not have you casting aspersions.

Now, look at that.

The A -team with brains.

There's still one short.

And if that R -daily is Bert's boy, I'll be surprised if he's got the hang of

tying his shoelaces yet.

Get out of here. I want to have that lad besmeared. Or Bert.

Boris! Boris, come here. Someone wants showing up.

No need for that. Always the same with the dailies.

Brute force over ignorance.

See you Saturday.

Just like his dad. Full of aspersions.

Arthur, are you and Ray really on a team?

Dave, that man has woken a slumbering giant.

And the daily intellect is a terrible thing when it's rowed.

He looks like a crook, doesn't he?

They say you can't tell, but he's got it written all over his face. Might as

well have a flashing neon sign on his forehead saying tea leaf.

Sarge, I can't imagine why he did it.

Ours is an open prison in every sense.

If he'd had any problems, he could have come to me.

With all respect, sir, dealing with men like this, best thing you can do is bang

them up and throw away the key.

They don't respond to kid gloves.

He always struck me as quite a sensitive soul.

Scum, sir.

Unmitigated, hard -nosed filth.

If I had my way. If the sergeant had his way, we'd have him back in here by tea

time. However, it may take a day or two.

No matter how keen we are.

Liberty.

Adverse dictionary in our street.

Excuse me.

What's your game?

I'm looking for Arthur Daly.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Marty Goldbloom.

I'm a friend of Arthur's. I did some work for him a few years ago.

You'd better come inside, then.

This bloke.

Well, he's not dangerous. He's gone and walked about.

He'll turn up again.

Tuesday morning business.

hunched shoulders, irritable bowel, indigestion.

What? The money I have put by for my cottage in Whitby.

The broker who said he could invest it better, remember?

He's going to serve the rest of his sentence.

Raymond, the gauntlet is down. Get out those O -level certificates of yours. I

want to have a look at them. Here, Arthur, there's an old friend of yours

dropped in. Well, he'll have to drop out. Battle plans have got to be drawn

Arthur, can't you spare five minutes? Raymond, I have been insulted by an

intellectual lowlife. The bell has rung, seconds are out, and we've got to be

quick putting the boot in. Suit yourself. I don't think it's very

though. I mean, he's come all that way.

Marty.

Marty Goldbloom.

I cannot tell you what a pleasant surprise this is, Marty.

Marty Goldbloom.

Ray, a legend in these parts.

Marty, known to his friends as Brains.

Where is he, then? I don't know.

You shared a room with him before you were released. He must have talked.

Honestly, he never said a word. Honestly, it's something I take for

from the Salvation Army and the Archbishop of Canterbury.

What crooked, good -for -nothing lawbreakers. Mr. Anderson's a free man.

done his time. And he agreed to help with our inquiries. Yeah, you've got no

right to talk to me like this. I want him.

Name, contact, now.

We still got that big rubber truncheon?

Don't you think it looks a bit odd, Arthur? I mean, all these pictures of

Queen. Dave, imagine his boat ready to bring a smattering of class to any

gathering, even a quiz night. Trust me.

What should I do with the cash the brewery sent over to decorate the place?

already taken care of that. It can defray the cost of this lot.

You've had all this since the coronation.

Storage, maintenance.

That's top quality gear.

Put a couple of pee on all the drinks and you'll be packed in here.

I've already told Ray to wag an extra load of salt on the peanuts.

Ray's all right then about being on a team.

Yeah, says he can't guarantee that his religious knowledge is immaculate.

Marty will take care of that.

Are you sure Marty's that good?

Dave, what he's got up here would tie Robin Day in knots.

Very grateful you are for doing this for me. It's a question of honour now,

isn't it, Dave? And you're still prepared to take on the captaincy?

It's doing my nerves.

Some are born captains, some have it thrust upon them.

I consider myself in the former category.

Afternoon, Raymond.

We're looking for Uncle Arthur.

I haven't seen him since lunchtime.

Nothing wrong, is there, Sergeant?

Not yet.

Police harassment.

America's got nothing on us, Marty.

Marty?

Sorry, Ray.

Dropped a load of coins.

William I.

William II.

Edward a professor.

Disraeli.

Oliver Cromwell.

Oh, God.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me anything about the Sirocco?

Yeah, it's a hot wind or something, isn't it?

The Volkswagen Sirocco.

The blue one, on the forecourt. Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you mind?

We need to have a word with Mr Daly.

Popped back in the morning. We haven't found anything better by then.

You can't go imposing embargoes willy -nilly.

It is rather urgent. It better be. He was ready to part with cash.

If he doesn't come back, I'm going to want compensation.

Did you hear from Marty Goldblum by any chance?

Marty?

No, I... One of his roommates reckoned before he went AWOL, he often used to

talk about you.

Roommate? Marty was staying at Her Majesty's place until last night.

when he went to put the milk bottles out and never came back.

Oh, modern prisons. It's an invitation to her.

As far as the name's concerned, the mists are beginning to clear.

There was a Marty Goldbloom.

Did a financial deal for me some time ago, but I haven't seen him since.

Good lad.

I bought my motor on the strength of it.

I'm delighted for you.

Funnily enough, he did a deal for me as well. Oh, did he?

1989.

I'm still trying to claw back the 2 ,000 quid.

Oh, that is shocking.

I can understand your interest, Sergeant.

I'm glad you see that, my friend.

Don't be dark any time. Just give us a call, will you?

Absolutely. I'll know where my loyalty's at.

Good.

Rest assured, if you forget, I'll have plenty of men keeping an eye on you.

How could you?

I'm sorry, Arthur. I was desperate.

Yes, I was creeping, but you didn't come knocking on my door.

You'd helped me out once, Arthur, and you were a legend inside.

There were blokes who swore they wouldn't be where they were now if it

for you.

Why'd you do it, Marty? You didn't have long to go.

I was reaching breaking point, and I couldn't stand another minute.

If the old Bill get wind of this, you won't lack for company when you go back.

I'm not going back.

Marty, unless you want to spend the rest of your life tending a small holding in

Bolivia, you have got to serve the rest of your sentence.

I'll go mad, Arthur.

Financial malpractice.

Nobody gets banged up for that round here.

Hitting people on the head and making off with a ghetto blaster, certainly.

But nothing to do with writing. You have got potential.

And you will waste it on the run from the law.

You know he's right, Marty. You're going to have to give yourself up.

Oh, um... You don't need to say who you were with.

Shame.

I'd been looking forward to that quiz.

We mustn't be too hasty.

We need to pick the right moment for you to give yourself up.

I have contacts in the fort and I might be able to arrange a sympathetic

readmission. Whatever you say, Arthur. Keep down.

The streets will be crawling.

Where are we going?

Somewhere safe.

Don't speak a word of English.

He's from Madrid.

How long has he been staying?

Well, it depends on this deal we're trying to wrap up.

Is he part of your European arm, Arthur?

Yeah, Ferdinand's sorting out some timeshares in Romford.

For those Spanish souls that are sick of sun and sangria, you know. Oh, I didn't

know you were in it. But there are certain areas of my life that must

shrouded in secrecy. You know he's welcome, Arthur. He can have raised old

But wouldn't he be more comfortable in a hotel?

Uh, Doreen, normally I'd agree with you, but if word got out about his presence

in this country, it could infuriate his competitors back in Spain.

Say no more, Arthur.

Dealing on the, uh... Sly, exactly.

So keep an eye on him, will you?

Don't let him wander off on his own.

Oh, and if any of his Spanish colleagues turn up dressed as English policemen,

get them out of the back window.

Policemen? It's an old trick. Anything but non -woody opposition.

River dirty, Ferdy.

They'd seen him, all right. It's helping to look them down his face.

Why don't we pull him in?

Special assessment.

You're retired opening a tin of pilchards without the key.

I thought you was going to drop him off at the station.

Look, I don't deny it was the right idea for him to give himself up, but it's a

question of timing.

Well, where is he now?

That Raymond can only be divulged on a need -to -know basis.

Suffice it to say, he's at a safe house somewhere in London.

Well, the net will be closing in on Arthur.

He's an asset we can afford to lose.

The worst comes to the worst. We'll see what he looks like in one of our indoors

frocks. Yeah, but is it worth it for a quid?

It's not just a quiz.

You're putting a lot of responsibility on Marty's shoulders, Arthur. He got

three degrees.

Look, if he's so bright, how come he's due in time?

Lack of confidence.

With three degrees, he's not confident.

Confidence is an inane thing. You can't learn it.

He had financial interest in a couple of companies that came under

investigation. You know, the Inland Revenue, Customs, Excise, Fraud Squad,

usual thing. Nothing to worry about.

And what does Marty do?

Confesses. The whole lot.

Means his sentence wasn't too bad, but there was no need for it.

A little bit of confidence to see it through to the end and he'd still be

Captain of industry.

Arthur, let us quiz.

I'm worried I'm going to let everyone down. There's nothing to worry about,

Dave. As soon as you hear a word you recognise, you whack the bell and Marty

will answer the question.

Yeah, provided he's not back inside by then and us with him. Morley knows

there's a connection.

And that is all he knows. And as President Nixon said, a little knowledge

dangerous thing.

I'll relay this meeting to Marty at his secret house.

Read, digest and destroy.

Debrief later.

Oh, that reminds me, Ray.

Your mum found some magazines in your old school bag when she was tidying out

your room. They were not auto car, and she'd like them removed next time you're

over there.

Mum said that?

When did you see her?

Arthur, you've dumped Marty on them, haven't you?

Bert and Dorian were more than keen.

Oh, never mind the risk. What are they going to talk about all day?

Less than you realise.

It was the only way, Ray.

Oh, come on, let's get on with this preparation.

Marty can only do so much, Arthur.

It's the individual rounds I'm worried about.

Individual rounds?

I thought it was, you know, there was three of them. One in an iron mask.

Each for all and one for each. Three musketeers? Yeah. I thought you chipped

if you knew the answer.

Some of it's like that, but then there's all the individual stuff. You know, no

conferring. Individual stuff?

Oh, my God.

More sherry, Ferdinand.

Gracias.

Why?

Why should Daly risk himself for Goldblum?

Here, Arthur, what are we meeting here for?

It's the last place the old bill I think we're checking. We've got to start

honing our minds to the matter in hand.

Why don't you speak Spanish, Arthur? Troublesome though it may be, Marty, the

fact that you can't converse in the local lingo means Bert and Doreen can't

you any awkward questions.

I don't feel too comfortable here, Arthur.

I still owe the fine for a book I borrowed in 1970.

It's like third world debt, Dave. Nobody expects the money. Relax.

Shh.

Now, we've got to plan this quiz with military precision.

Our main concern is Marty.

who is presently staying at a safe house somewhere. We all know where he's

staying, Arthur.

Ray, we can't take any chances. We don't know who might be listening.

Shh.

Marty will remain there at all times until the quiz, apart from these

Is all this really necessary? Ray, I have served in Her Majesty's armed

and what they drum into you there doesn't go away easily.

Now, I want a lean, mean quizzing machine come Friday, and that means

preparation. Shh.

Now, for the quiz itself, We need a strategy.

Walter's team still looks favourite, Arthur. So did General Custer's till the

opposition turned up. Dave, you take sports questions.

Raymond, you take current affairs.

All of them?

I've seen your Sunday newspaper. It's too thick to go through the letterbox.

Marty will handle literature, art, science, history, geography and

I'll take all the rest.

What's left?

Famous catchphrases, things like that.

This is not the local wine lodge.

You've been asked to moderate your voices.

As you're incapable, I shall have to ask you to leave.

I'm very sorry. We didn't know the rules. I've never been here before.

Dave, we have every right to be here.

We're taxpayers going about our lawful business.

It is our God -given right.

And don't come back!

I shall write to the council.

Keep me muted, for God's sake. We don't want to flash our wares to all in

sundry. Me and Ray are going to check out the opposition.

suss out their Achilles' elbow.

You two get home and get revising. And for God's sake, only eat fish.

It's good for the... What's his name?

What a lot of fish.

Sergeant, the DI asked if we could check the possible leads on the petrol

station, John.

Yeah, sling them in the trail. Please do it later.

He did say it was urgent.

Fine.

Why is Daly lying about Goldblum?

A $64 ,000 question.

There must be a deal, which means they've got to be meeting.

I want you on Daly's tail, everywhere he goes, till he leads us to Goldblum.

Hello, Dave. Can I have a lager, please?

Sure, bye.

Yeah, please.

1872, must be the dry Kaiser Bund.

And Franz Ferdinand was assassinated in Sarajevo when?

20th of June, 1914, by Serbian nationalists.

And the Drei Kaiserbund was effectively at an end by 1879.

Hurry up, Arthur.

They seem quite reasonable on this street.

Yeah, people are looking at us.

Hold on, they're breaking up.

Everything seems solid enough. I don't think the Winchesters are going to be

much trouble. One thing.

If their captain offers to sell you anything, don't touch it.

It'd be either bent or broken.

Well,

no obvious chink in the armour.

I think the best thing is for us to continue with our own preparation.

That suits me. I've got a shield, I've got a date on. Raymond, forget dates.

If you want to move up in the tie -wearing arm of this operation, you've

show more dedication.

You've got some serious brain work to do. Come on.

I'm sure we had a copy of El Cid somewhere.

Here. What do you reckon you'd like?

Porridge.

Porridge?

Give us another.

All right.

What is the capital of Abyssinia?

Where? Abyssinia.

No, there's no such place.

Of course there is. I'm looking at it. It doesn't exist.

Raymond. Not six inches from my nose is a glorious technicolour picture of a

bloke in a grass skirt and he's in Abyssinia. It's called something else

That makes years out of day. Fair enough.

Tell me what it's called now.

Country or a capital.

Either.

I'd have got Frankenstein's monster if I'd known educational standards had

slipped this far.

What do you mean?

We're relying on you. Not long out of school.

Qualified.

Your mum took in ironing so you could have a decent school blazer, and this is

how you repair.

Look, I never wanted to be in a team in the first place.

And it wasn't me who thought of mice and men was a council pest control manual.

Raymond, the choice quota on this one is nil. Your name is written in blood,

you're on the team. So brush up on your general knowledge.

Hey, it's Ethiopia.

What is?

Abyssinia. It's called Ethiopia now.

Well, you're about a week quicker than that on the night, my son. Well, if they

ask that, I guarantee I'll be in like a shot.

Decent preparation, methodical planning.

No worries here.

What is it?

Encyclopedia. I bought a job lock when Freddie Jenkins burnt down his old

school. Now, brush up on any area you're rusty in. I'll take the other volume.

Other volume?

Yeah, I've been knocking them out with 20 quid a pair.

Tray's been slack, has it, Arthur?

Why, do you think I'm overpricing them?

There's supposed to be 24 other volumes. They're alphabetical.

You've been given a batch of eight of these, which means that unless we get

questions on the aardvark of the Battle of Britain, we're stuffed.

One, please. Cheap seats.

They're all £5 .50, sir.

No wonder chart nesting looks well.

Which one did you want to see?

The one that's on this week.

There's six choices today, sir.

Number one, I'm not bothered.

I'm here for a newsreel.

Resume of world events.

Oh, my God.

Arthur.

Oh, Tad.

I thought I'd gone in a back entrance to Smithfield.

It's the style these days, Arthur. I mean, they don't leave much to the

imagination. An experience like that could haunt you for life. I remember as

it was yesterday, dragging young Ray, screaming at a Bambi when he was so

They are impressionable at that age.

He wanted to stay.

I didn't sleep properly for days.

You should have left as soon as it got nasty off. I was waiting for the buffet.

Seemed an effective way of broadening the mind.

Turns out they haven't been running them for years.

Look, I've been doing a bit of background myself.

Look and learn, 1969.

I can't help thinking, Dave, we need a more reliable source of information than

that.

Where from?

We'll discuss it later.

Hangar 45, speaking.

Yeah?

Where?

You sure?

Was he on his own?

Let me guess.

Ray Daly.

I'll be right there.

I feel a bit dizzy, Arthur.

Relax. It's good for you.

I could murder a drink.

This is absolutely necessary, Arthur. It's killing me.

I'm surprised at you, Marty.

There's a great tradition of business being conducted over a steam -up. In

Egypt, Arthur.

We... We've got to be on our guard.

Marty's off property.

He's not the only one.

The longer he stays on the loose, the harder the law is going to try and catch

him.

Hey, Pepsi!

Police! I don't care if you're shallow bloody homes, you still can't go in. Not

without gear on.

Yeah, but Arthur, it doesn't seem five minutes since you were telling me

things were above profit. It is not the prize, Ray.

It is something more.

If it's not the wedge, why are we sweating cobs trying to hide the bloke

been drafted in to make sure we do win? Can't we just enjoy the occasion? Look,

you'll understand one day, Ray.

Meanwhile, remember the words of Captain Scott.

You don't get nothing for coming second.

Marty, are you all right?

You're all pale.

I feel sick.

Here, go through there and have a splash in the little warm pool.

Are you sure that's a good move, Arthur?

Here, hang on, Marty.

Come on out loud, Arthur. It's iced water. You're going to kill him.

Imagine how quick you can get out, innit?

I'll feel naked without my warrant card.

Get back here.

Get out of the room!

Be calm here, Aches.

I'll check before you arrive.

Mr. Morey! What a pleasant surprise.

I thought it was Peter O'Toole coming through the A's. I was wondering where

you'd left your camel.

Where's Marty?

Sorry, Marty who?

Your nephew has been coming in here with Marty Goldblum.

Sarge? Ray's not here.

Get after them!

Afternoon, Sergeant.

I told Arthur we'd start a craze.

Shall I check?

What do you think?

Why don't you sit down, Mr Morley?

Or are you sweating enough?

And now, module four of the Open University's History of Ancient Greek.

The Peloponnesian War, 400... Come

on, Marty, shake the leg.

Ray, I'm not sure I can take much more of this. Well, I had to make do with a

sofa.

Paella every meal. The dawn chorus of Eviva España.

I don't wish to appear ungrateful, but I'm more of a prisoner here than I was

inside. At least there I could speak English.

Oh, it's only till after the quiz.

Hey, listen, I've got a cardboard box downstairs.

Get dressed and practice crouching inside.

Inside? Yeah, I've got to pick up some stuff for Arthur. But I'll be back later

to take you to the quiz.

I'm not getting inside a cardboard box.

It's got air holes in it. Arthur's idea. Good cover. I'll catch you later.

Si, senor.

So he's not actually a friend of yours, then?

Not personally.

But you know who I mean, the cabbie, Gil Supremo. Yes, you've asked me. I

wouldn't mind a few pointers, you know, mastermind, general knowledge. Stop it,

please. How many hours sleep a night do you try and get?

Add the ride on me.

Go and upset someone else.

That cabbie's a complete addict, Ray.

I merely wanted to avail myself of his expertise.

No intention of making a bid for the leather chair.

A few books was the brief, Ray.

Just to jog the memory.

We can do some more, Arthur.

It's a lot to scratch the surface.

I only hope you can sleep nights when you think of the state of the

Arthur, it's Bert on the phone. About Marty.

Ray's on his way.

It's too late. Marty's done a runner.

Look, Arthur, what are we going to do?

Burn the place down.

What? They'll cancel the quiz. We'll move to alternative premises.

You got any petrol out the back? No, we can't do that. That deal you did with

the Kuala Lumpur Building Society, it only covers us for flash floods and

hurricanes. What's the weather forecast like? He still might turn up, Arthur.

Yeah, with Lord Lucan as an escort.

I find your optimism ill -placed, Ray.

Where are you going now? I am not marching into battle one short. I'm

find us a fourth man.

Great thoughts.

It's the last time you drive that blinker, Carter. I'll get my insurance

God.

Look, what can I say to persuade you, Billy?

Yeah, I realise that. But look, wedding anniversaries happen annually.

You miss one year, you can make it up the next.

Yeah, I know she's very particular.

Well, bring her with you.

Show her the bright lights.

Tower Bridge, Houses of Parliament, Lounge Bar at the Winchester.

All right, Billy, fair enough.

Here, listen, Billy, before you go, have you heard of Kubla Khan?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

The question is, did he bat or bowl?

I mean, I like a bit of healthy competition, Dave, but it's Arthur.

He's always going overboard.

Can hardly blame Mighty for legging it.

Shifted from pillar to post and for what?

It's far more important things in life than a pub quiz.

I think you should know, Raider.

Arthur never wanted to be on this team. I did ask him, and he refused.

Then this winning post -captain, he started shooting his mouth off.

Well, he and Arthur's family, they go way back.

They'd never been the best of friends, and, well, things were said.

What things?

Well, things about your dad.

And you.

No, Arthur wouldn't have that.

Not about family.

What happened?

I can't get a replacement for Marty.

The nearest was Chico Mendes over at Tommy Smith's scrapyard, but he is

presently visiting his sick grandmother in Buenos Aires.

Look, Arthur, I don't think I've been giving you as much support as I could

done, but I want you to know I'm right behind you now, and I've been working on

some systems that we... No, no, no, Ray. No, no systems.

I'm done with systems.

I shouldn't be trying to cram stuff in where it don't want to go. Not at my

So alcohol's a solution.

Whoever said the taking part and not the winning was important obviously won

everything they ended for.

What are you doing here?

Arthur, I'm sorry.

What? I can't cope. All the hiding, the foreign stuff.

I just want to go back to prison.

You can, you can.

After the quiz.

I can't think straight, Arthur.

I'm no use to you. Let me be the judge of that.

Now, you get stuck into a couple of edifying volumes and you'll soon

the old magic.

I tried to hand myself in.

He was there.

Morley. The cottage in Whitby. He'll kill me. Now, deep breaths, Marty.

One thing at a time.

He's lost it, Arthur. No, no, no, it's just prequel. He's jitters.

Oh, my God, he's tired and emotional.

Ray, put the kettle on.

Four sugars and half a dozen synaptogens. Arthur, look at him. He's a

wreck. He hardly knows the time of day, never mind anything more complicated.

He's a non -starter, Arthur.

Best thing for him is to get him back to his old cell and have plenty of rest.

Oh, it's like having George Best in the starting line -up and finding out he's

forgotten his boots.

All right, go on.

Make sure you see Field and get back here pronto.

Meanwhile, Dave and I'll do what any Englishman would do in our position.

What?

Cheat.

Very good.

I'm sorry, it's closed. Until seven.

By first, only for learning.

I beg your pardon?

The quiz, later on. I can't wait.

Oh, you're coming.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, the atmosphere.

You can feel it already.

Can you? You know, I reckon you blokes ought to get medals.

Thank you very much. Yeah, I was saying to her indoors only the other day, those

blokes who organise the quizzes don't get the recognition they deserve.

I mean, turning cultural deserts like this taproom into eyes of learning.

We, uh, do our best. No, no, no, you do more than that. You perform miracles.

In point of fact, I'm achieving a great personal ambition in taking part in

tonight's spectacle.

Really? Yeah. Arthur Daly, captain of the Winchester.

How do you do?

What's this?

Well, as I say, you work miracles, civilising the masses. You deserve a

and that is it, from all in the Winchester team.

Mr Daly, I believe you are trying to bribe me.

Has it worked? No. How dare you suggest such a thing, a man in your position?

You'll be ashamed of yourself.

I only hope you can look me in the eye this evening.

Global. Hold up. Come here, Daly.

What have I just overheard from a couple of gossiping helmets in the car, B?

You're not paying care, I thought.

Mr. Daly persuaded Goldman to give himself up. To you?

He wouldn't do it otherwise.

Sorry you missed it, Sergeant Morley.

Where do you think you're going? I can't hang around. Sorry. I'm afraid you

must. Oh.

I think I can feel a statement coming on.

I'd like to play some part in tying up this case, however small.

I've got a date.

At least routine, Raymond. I'm sure she'll understand.

She won't. It's Arthur.

Let's do it.

We'd better get going, Arthur. I mean, we can't wait any longer. Keep calm.

Ray was our last hope. Well, perhaps he's squeezing in some extra revision.

Any luck with that, Quizmaster?

No, Dave. He's bent.

Couldn't touch it.

I thought it was.

Brazil. Everyone else speaks Spanish.

Nice one, Walter. The Treaty of Brest -Litovsk between...

Russia, Germany, Austria -Hungary and their Allah. I can't help feeling sorry

for dear old Arthur.

Ideas above its station.

Let people gaze up at the stars by all means.

As long as they realise the gutter is where they belong.

I know who it is, but I can't remember his name.

Einstein. Apple fell on his head and he got out of his bath.

Yeah, here.

Some important dates on it, including...

Arsenal's best back four from their double winning team. Ray says you always

one of them questions.

Practice blowing your nose with it so that you can read it.

Be prepared.

Remember Agincourt.

I should do it.

No, I just have to read it back to you, Raymond.

Where's he

got to?

I'm sorry, Mr. Bailey. We can't wait any longer.

I want to see the referee.

I am the referee, and I'm going to begin the competition.

Hold up. Contact lens come out. Nobody move.

I didn't know you. Get a grip, referee.

He's time -wasting.

Who said that?

Find Ray Daly.

Perfect. Sorry to have kept you. You may go, Raymond.

Cheers.

Look. Either start this game or award it by default.

Here, careful.

Watch. You're troubling on it.

I've got a spare pair in my office, Your Honour, if you wouldn't mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm starting.

You have to be out of here by 11.

Here, I appreciate the lift. We'd better shoot through the traffic in your

motor. Two against four. Hardly seems fair. Especially when you see the other

team. Talk about taking it seriously.

I know what you mean. That's why I gave up.

Gave up?

Yeah. It was the main man back home. He's the perfect boy.

You got anything planned this evening?

Winfrey, what is a sitter?

Easy chance in front of gold.

No, offer it over.

Indian musical instrument.

All right.

Read the wrong books.

Excuse me, could you be careful with your diction to avoid any further

misunderstanding?

Which superstar wanted to be alone?

Referee! He's got Ryan on his hand! Oh, really?

Oh, crap.

Sitting down.

What was your question?

That's incorrect.

No, it's not.

I'll offer it over.

It's right.

Mr Daly, it is not.

Winning post, any... Nat Loftouse.

It was Greta Garbo. Greta Garbo wanted to be left...

I know that. We all know it. Everyone in the room knows it except Arthur Daly. I

didn't know that.

Walter, what can I say?

Null and void.

And you sitting there with a correct answer on your lips. You must be

I do apologise.

Please, please.

I hope you take note of that attack on my person when allocating the next

question. Please, let's have some decorum. From both sides.

Winchester. When was Sir Walter Rowley beheaded?

1618. No help from the floor, please.

No, we'd arrested a team. Ray!

Thank God you're here.

What's the meaning of a police escort?

Arthur, he's played before. He's agreed to help us out.

Ray, he is not one of us. What is the fear of noise called?

Phenophobia. Correct.

Is there anything I can say?

Come along, gentlemen. Time is running out. Running out now.

Keep the Aspidistra flying.

George Orwell. Correct.

Open question.

Score's level.

How many great train robbers were there?

25. I'm afraid that's incorrect.

I beg your pardon.

Ronnie and the lads did the hold -up. Fat Charlie ran a decoy run.

Big Mickey drove a getaway car.

Geoffrey, what's his name, looked after the loo. And Sam Lesnell... What a

grassy. I think I'll call that one null and void.

It was Rob!

Please, referee's decision.

Here, here.

Final question.

It's all on this.

Name this piece of music.

Oh, my God, I know it.

Um, um... Go on, then. Um, Albert Sandler and his orchestra.

Who?

Brighton Grand.

Say something. I can't remember.

Aren't he in shift when you're on your knees?

Serenade. Hooray!

Was the referee related, Daly?

Don't be bitter, Walter.

Soundly thrashed, though you have been.

It's only a game, remember?

That wasn't a game.

It was a travesty. Try not to think of it as coming last.

Think of it as coming second.

You've got a good team there. A bit more practice, you never know. If you're

ever down the Isle of Dogs, Arthur, keep going.

I am proud of you, Arthur.

Gracious in victory.

What did I tell you, Dave? There are some things that are sacred.

I've achieved what I set out to do.

I don't want to rub his nose in it.

The dailies are better than that.

Good night, Dave.

Good night, Dave.

Come on, my son.