Original subtitles

Fresh air, exercise. You said you wanted to get out more.

Didn't mean I want to sit on a wooden bench all day watching a load of scruffy

old drunks while you're in a bar getting legless.

What are you implying? Some of my fellow members here are your movers and

shakers. Leading estate agents, some of them.

They're just as familiar with the inside of a pair of designer casuals as you

are.

Look at them.

The only moving and shaking that lot are going to do is when they haven't had a

drink for ten minutes.

Haven't you heard of executive stress?

We captains of industry like to unwind from the strain of Britain's economic

turnaround. We like to do it at places like this.

Yeah, well, I suppose it is a bit smarter than the Winchester.

You're still sadly lacking, Raymond, in Eurovision. This place is stuffed with

foreigners, all members of the EEC.

It's just as well you've got me grooming you for the single currency decade.

You can say that again. I'm nearly down to single currency now. Take the clubs

over there and I'll see you later.

It's packed up, doesn't it? That's only the fight. Give us it.

Always happy to help an old friend, yes, certainly.

Yes.

200K. That's a little below my usual margin, but never mind.

How is Lady Tesco, by the way?

No, no, no, just enjoying a moment of respite at my golf club. Must go. Bye

-bye.

Simon!

In the heat of a takeover, I all but missed you. That's perfectly all right,

Arthur. Not at all, not at all. I understand congratulations are in order.

Raymond? You are looking at the man who's got his hand on the club rudder.

Perkins being elected our new captain.

Simon, I was hoping to have a quick word.

In the excitement of your election, you probably failed to notice that my period

of provisional membership is drawing to a close.

No, Arthur, I hadn't forgotten.

Oh, good, good. So I presume I can look forward to a smooth transition to full

membership in a week's time?

Obviously, you wouldn't expect me to pre -empt the membership committee

decision. Perish the thought, Simon, perish the thought.

It's just that a few of my business associates in the...

upmarket end of the consumer chain are anxious to pencil in an invite here in

their windows. And while I'm still just a provisional member... Arthur, let me

say this.

We're in a wait -and -see situation here, OK?

Oh, fine, fine. Anything I can do, you know, oil the waters.

Well, you know, work, quite frankly, around wouldn't do your chances any

Another one?

I've bought so many since I've been coming here, I'm thinking of taking out

second mortgage.

On the course.

You do seem to spend a lot of your time here in the bar.

And we are, after all, a golf club and a particularly attractive one. Oh, yes,

indeed. I'm looking forward to it as soon as the old bat trouble settles

Absolutely. Would you rely on me for the upmarket punters?

Arthur!

Arthur, I thought it was you.

Previous. What are you doing here? Riordan's one of our caddies.

Oh, really?

Oh, he used to do odd jobs for me.

How are you?

Riordan.

Oh, I'm not long out, Arthur.

I came round to see you the day I was released.

But you've moved the lock up. If you'll excuse me, you both obviously have a

great deal to talk about. No, no, no, not at all, not at all.

Arthur Daly.

What a bit of luck bumping into you.

You don't half -pick your moments, previous.

Couldn't you see I was trying to get me membership sorted?

He's not here, is he?

You'd better leave a card, then.

I am permanently at the mercy of the world of iFinance. I do not have time to

play golf, so I do not need a caddy. Nice to see you, previous.

Well, less of the previous, Arthur.

I'm the professor now.

It's one of them certificates from Milton Keynes University, but get it.

Welsh Harry ran them off on his daughter's toy printing kit.

No, no, it's my name, Professor.

I've got to be a trustee at the Scrubs. They let me push the library trolley

around. Fascinating. Look, I want you to do me a favour.

Next time you see me here, don't know me, right?

Fair enough, Arthur. Shall we say a tenner? Yeah, by all means.

There you are. There's a quid on account.

The rest on satisfactory completion of the agreement.

I'll be seeing you. No, you won't.

Major Beattie, how very kind of you to be here, sir.

Got your letter, came as asked.

Usual.

I think we'll have them in the committee room. Oh, and a large B &T for me.

Oh, right -o, sir. On my plate, as usual.

Credit tariff is only accorded to full members, Arthur. Provisional members are

required to settle in camp.

Silly me, I forgot.

Don't think I've met you, Beattie.

Arthur Daly.

Entrepreneur on a Europe -wide basis.

The Major's our senior member.

Care to have you with us, Daly? Oh, glad to come aboard.

I do a lot of trade. We're a wing commander.

I wonder if you know him. If you'll excuse us. Of course. Come into

Gentlemen.

See you later.

Yes.

It's great. There's something about it.

It just seems crazy, sir.

I mean, I joined the force to catch villains, not to help them make money.

You're behind the times, Michael.

That's all over now, catching villains.

The accountsants are in charge now, and I've just had the whisper from the yard

they'll be around for a surprise look at the books tomorrow morning, which gives

us just under one day to show a loss.

Yeah, but we've done really well this year, sir.

Overtime's been right down.

Expenses are cut to the bone.

Now we've got to give everything we've saved from public funds to the greasiest

little grope we know.

That makes sense, sir. Listen, do you want to see our next year's budget cut

because we've done so well with this one?

No, sir. Neither do I.

We've got to have more money next year, not less, so we can do the job better.

Which means this year we have to be seen to make a loss.

So, anything of anyone we can better turn to in our time of need?

Neither can I.

I don't care how bent he is.

Get me daily.

Yes, you always got a good cup of tea in Brixton.

Ewing was Ewing in those days.

Gone right down now.

I was once in the showers with one of the great train robbers.

Well, it was a long time ago.

Pretty it wasn't a bit more recent.

Excuse me.

Here, do you want a hand?

No, I wouldn't mind.

It's for the recycling lorry.

Well, I'm all for saving resources.

Oh, you want to wear something different, then.

That suit won't last five minutes if you're going out caddying. Well, I

have put this on if Alana was coming here, would I?

If that is, I knew I was going to bump into you.

Her name's Ray.

You're the catering manageress, ain't you?

That's right.

Oh, you know, it's funny. I feel sort of lucky meeting you, Ray.

Yeah, I expect that's my animal magnetism.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's more the fact I've got another six of them in the clubhouse.

You're positive that this is the feeling of the committee as a whole? Oh, don't

get me wrong.

I feel the whole committee feels the deep gratitude for the enormous

contribution you've made to it over many years.

I mean, all we're asking, suggesting...

is that you make way for someone younger, whilst continuing to enjoy your

deserved position as senior member.

You'll have my letter of resignation this afternoon.

No, I don't have a handicap. It's just I have this back trouble.

Have you got a moment,

Mr Daly?

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, Marcel.

One of my charity cases.

Take it you are aware this is a members -only establishment.

Pricey for you here, isn't it?

Speculation accumulation, Mr Morley. Look, I do not have time for idle

How can I assist in the continuing fight against crime?

I'd like you to accompany me to the station.

Those facsimile four -wheel drive kits were genuine collector's items. They

never meant to be used on the public highway.

Save it, Daly.

It's my painful duty to ask you, Daly.

If you'd like to buy a police transport coach.

Is this a fit -up? No, it's not.

In that case, Mr Morley, I would advise you to think again.

They're bound to notice it's gone.

Think of your pension.

This is a legitimate proposition, Daly.

It's kosher.

I'm here on behalf of Superintendent Roden to ask if you want to come back to

the nick and view it immediately.

Oh, thanks ever so much.

I've been hanging around with the caddies all afternoon.

Oh, look at you. I feel really guilty.

That's all right.

Of course, if you're worried about making it up to me, I wouldn't say no to

drink. I'll have a word with the bar.

No, not here.

I just think we could go somewhere a little bit more environmentally

I am at work, you know.

It'll have to be this evening, then, won't it?

Oi, you're supposed to be on call to me. You're not rippling your forceps out

here.

Don't believe him, my dear. He's a born deceiver.

Married man with four children.

Married, eh?

Give it a rest, Arthur.

I wish you would.

Meanwhile, the taxi of opportunity approaches yet again with its amber

Come on.

I'm busy.

Yeah, so am I.

Well, thanks a lot, Arthur. You don't like it here, remember?

Yeah, I think so.

Looks a nice little runner.

They can't wait to get shot of it. I'm not surprised.

If you ask me, you're throwing your money away.

Raymond, vision.

And I had one at the golf club.

You want a bit more tonic with it, then.

A Eurovision.

When I was here all in Morley, the clouds parted and I suddenly saw it.

What?

Daily tours.

Yeah, what, abroad?

Certainly not. I ain't abroad.

No, London.

Coach a load of punters, ten minutes round the site, and then back for

lot. Arthur, all those routes are sewn up. You'll never get in. No, I'll be

using those routes. We'll show them the London the punter never sees.

Take the coach over to the golf club and pick up Professor Reardon.

Who's he?

Previous. Take him over the lock -up. Are you sure he's a danger to public

health? Professor Reardon has extensive educational knowledge.

He used to run a library.

I'm engaging him to create a series of teach -yourself -English lessons on

We'll knock him out on the tours.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'll meet you back at the lockup, and we'll take the coach over to Heathrow

a trial run.

All right.

Superintendent Roden, this is Arthur Daly and his nephew.

Mr. Daly.

Superintendent. You've seen the coach?

I'm afraid I have.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

To think the guardians of our liberty have been shunted around in a vehicle

that. If you ask me, it's a national disgrace. I couldn't agree more.

Well, Ray will do the test drive. If you like, let him have the keys.

I'll show you his PSV. Mr Morley, all my staff are fully qualified.

Off you go, Ray.

It does, of course, come with a regular service history.

I assume that naturally.

Mr Morley knows my standards.

Superintendent, man to man, can I take it that the mileage really is as low as

it says on the clock?

You can rely on us, Mr Daly.

Would you care to hazard a figure?

Well, sadly, in these inflationary times, I can't be as generous as I wish

be.

However... Come on, lads.

I didn't invent VAT.

Mr Daly, you've got yourself a deal.

Danny, what a nice surprise.

I've only got one thing to say to you, Arthur.

Facsimile four -wheel drive kits.

Collector's items.

Originally sold in kit form. I told you I flogged it in a kite bridge.

So he told me, Arthur.

That's why I'm here.

Yeah, but I wasn't going to know he was going to knock them out to you, was I? I

mean, if I had, I'd have provided my usual cast -iron guarantee.

That might have come in handy.

For the axles.

As it was, I'll kind of put them together out of alley.

Aluminum axles?

On four -wheel drive?

Now, I wouldn't have minded so much had he told me.

Well, I wouldn't have bought them, would I?

It was being kept in the dark that got up my nose.

They all collapsed on the A40 on the way back to my gaff.

Disgraceful. I think your best course is to have a Werber kite, Ross.

Ah, I did.

Now, the thing is, Arthur, I've got six useless motors and I'm 18 grand down.

18 grand?

I'll let him have the lot for nine and a half.

That's without the interest at a daily rate.

We'll call it 20.

Then you can collect them back any time you like.

Look, Denny, I really and truly would like to help, but I think you've got to

put this down to Kypros.

No.

It's your shout, Arthur.

But I haven't got 20 grand. Business is terrible.

I haven't even got 20 sobs.

Look, Denny, I really am sorry to hear that you should lose your hard -earned

this way.

But that has to be my last word. Now, would you let me out, please?

I'll give you till this afternoon.

Or else what happened outside could happen to you.

I think you're a bit behind the times, Denny.

See, I've got a new minder.

I don't think you've met him.

Go in as fast as I could, Arthur.

I'll gather you up a job for me.

Oh, my God.

General, I feel sorry for you, Arthur.

I do, really.

Having a bit of trouble, Arthur?

Nothing you can't handle, son.

Excuse me.

I don't think I've had the pleasure, son.

I'm Arthur's nephew, Ray Daly.

And I'm Denny Willis.

You'll have heard of me.

And your reputation.

Well, then.

You know business is business.

We'll save it for now.

All right?

That's fine by me.

Later, Arthur.

And I won't be short -handed.

About time, too.

Do you know who that was?

Denny Willis? Yeah, of course. I knew his dad.

He said he'd be back later.

Ah, he always says that.

That probably means you put the frighteners on him.

Well, if I did, it'd be a first.

Here, I think I'm ready for a drink.

With you there, son. I've got a question.

There are people out there waiting to give me money. Come on, get on the

No, not you, previous. I've got something else for you. I'll talk to you

Now, this is what we're going to do.

No, no, no credit card.

Yes, 20 pounds, please.

Or 5 ,000 yen.

Oh, that's lovely. Thank you very much.

Is this the boss of the town?

It is indeed. Travel in air -conditioned luxury while viewing the sights of the

world's most ancient capital.

You mean it's a tour? We throw in a tour on the way to the center of the

metropolis. 20 pounds per head. Please have your money ready.

Excuse me, but the sign says five.

That is for the ordinary journey, madam. This is the daily tour.

One at a time, please.

Oh, let me help you, sir.

Two of them purple ones.

There we are. Thank you very much. In you go. Make yourself comfortable.

There we go, sir.

£20 per head, sir. Thank you very much.

Hey, fella.

Why don't we head to London?

Oh, the airport is quite a way out of the city.

Okay, so when do you start your commentary?

Commentary? What do you think this is, Ascot?

Well, it is a tour, isn't it?

Yeah, of course it's a tour.

So where's your commentary?

Where are the sights?

You're surrounded by sights.

Priceless views of the historical city of London.

I am not satisfied.

There's 2 ,000 years of history out there.

What do you want for 20 cents?

These aren't sights.

Where's Westminster Palace?

Oh, no, no, no. We don't cover them sort of sites.

You don't cover them?

No, no, no, no.

We take you off the beaten track.

We show you the real London.

The London the punter never sees.

Is that right?

Would I lie to you?

Okay, then where's the commentary? I never heard of a tour that doesn't have

commentary. Drive, drive.

We run a commentary.

Isn't that right?

There you go, fella.

So let's hear it.

Carmen.

Where the hell are we? I don't know. I wasn't looking.

Hang on, yeah. I think we're just coming up to me cousin Sharon's place.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Daily Daily Tours.

Harper, it's not on.

What's not on?

The mic.

Gracious Majesty, welcome to Daily Daily Tours, the inside view of London.

On the right, we are approaching a set of bijou apartments, one of which is

occupied by our driver Ray's cousin Sharon.

Sharon has blue eyes and blonde hair. She's 5 '11 and is studying with the

Valley Company.

Her hobbies are breeding and fine wine.

Now, coming up on the left, you will see the famous Star of Bengal restaurant,

known locally as the Raja's Revenge.

And there, you see, look, seven seas off licence and supermarket.

Now, if you keep looking ahead, you'll see a particularly attractive filling

station, which is known as one of the architectural jewels of West London.

Coming up on the left again is a betting shop owned for many years by Stan

Sharp, a right ducker and diver from up our way.

Stan was notorious in his lifetime for refusing to pay out on the four falls in

16 runner handicaps.

Next door is the funeral parlor where he lay in state before being called to

that great steward's inquiry in the sky.

I understand his missus has taken over the business now.

Is this for real?

I'm going to have to pull in.

This is the stop we normally make at this point in the itinerary to allow

for photographs and a chance to savour the atmosphere of the world's... finest

city.

What the hell kind of a tour is this? You take us nowhere, now your bus is

broken down.

A mere technical fault. You get them on moonshots, don't you?

You will notice that we choose this particular spot to allow you to view a

fine example of English statutory.

A grateful nation's tribute to one of its leading heroes.

Perhaps you'd care to step off in orderly fashion and view the actuality.

Is that the House of Parliament over there?

Not as such, no.

What is it?

I don't know. It could be anything.

Like a blockage in the fuel pump.

Whoever it is, I can't fix it. Well, you've got to.

To think this is my reward for supporting law and order.

So who is this guy Howells?

Sir Rampton.

Oh, he was very active against the Zulus.

You've heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade?

That was in Russia.

You know, the Russian Zulus.

In the Charge of the Light Brigade, you guys got wiped out.

Ah, that is correct.

But, um... As you rightly surmised, I mention it as a comparison.

Sir Hampton Owls, KSO, is celebrated in the military trade for leading the more

successful charge of the night brigade.

So -called because they only operated at night.

Only once during their entire history did they have a daytime call -out. That

was against the Zulu revolt in 1905. The Zulus were so surprised.

that not a drop of blood was shed on that historic morn.

Instead, Sir Hampton levied a small demand to cover expenses only, as all

lads were on double time.

And as the history books tell us, that payment is now known traditionally as

charge of the night brigade.

Excuse me.

Well,

I think it's had it. It can't have.

It's no good, Arthur. The only way we'll get this going now would be to bump

-start it. Oh, be practical.

How can we push a coach?

Call me a dreamer, if you will, but I have a vision. Look at us.

We fly many flags, we speak a multitude of tongues, and here we are, all about

to push together with one common aim.

I look at us and I think, perhaps one day...

The whole world will be like this. Taking its vacation, pushing some wise

beat -up tour bus?

Ask not what you can do for your country.

Ask only what your country can do for you.

That's the way we do it in Britain, Mr. Corelli. It may seem quaint to you, but

it's got us this far.

Right, everyone, after three.

Aren't you pushing too?

With my back?

Would that I could.

Come on!

One, two, three!

can be achieved with international cooperation?

Oh, sure.

And now I'm going to show you something else it can do.

You see, before we get off this bus, you are going to give each and every one of

us back our money.

Quite right.

Oh, I don't think you quite understand.

Oh, I understand all right.

And I think I speak for everyone here.

You see, this here is mutiny.

No, no, no. When I say you don't understand, I mean the tour hasn't

yet. I don't know about all this offer. I mean, I don't want a few more members,

but there is a limit.

I'm caught in a storm, Dave.

Anyway, think of the taking.

Yours or mine?

Ours, Dave, ours.

Don't forget, since you went public, your duty is to your shareholders.

Me?

Minority shareholder.

Anyway, look, I don't want this lot again.

I could lose my license.

Speaking of non -members... Right.

I've come for my money.

Why don't you and Ray discuss it outside, Ray?

Arthur, there's three of them.

Dave's right, Arthur.

Besides, it's a bit nippy out. I think we'll stay here.

20 grand.

I've got punters here.

Of course you have, Arthur. That's why you won't want any mess.

Now, where's my money?

I told you, I haven't got 20 grand.

That's what I thought you'd say.

Scotch. Arthur,

you're in front of the department.

Now, where were we?

If you want me to extend your loan, I'll be needing a down payment immediately

as proof of your good intentions.

I haven't got any money.

Hold it right there, fella.

All part of the tour.

Now, you listen to me, Denny. This is well out of order. You do not rock in a

booster. Your dad would never have allowed it.

Ain't you got no respect?

None.

Now then, Arthur, how much are we talking about?

Well, that'll go to the money.

Hang on, Arthur.

I have to say, this time, I think Denny's got...

You've got yourself some talent, Arthur.

We'll leave it for now.

But don't forget, you owe me.

Well, I've got to tell you, pal, this was the best tour we've ever been on.

you speak up a bit? You had me fooled right from the start. We thought you

just a horrible old crook with a broken down butt.

Could be more wrong, could they, Dave? Yeah, right.

Some verve and a gold club.

I'm delighted you were happy with our effort. If it's brightened your stay, it

hasn't been in vain.

What's up? You want some more boxes shifting?

All right, all right. I was only joking.

Yeah, I can come over.

As soon as I can.

Oi, where are you going?

Tea. What about the punters?

Explain it's an old English custom.

Denny? What's Arthur paying you?

Sorry, mate.

That's confidential.

Will be if I know Arthur.

You'd be lucky if you get double figures. And then it'll be in yen and

vouchers.

Listen.

A boy like you could be worth a lot of money to me.

A lot of money.

That's very kind of you, Denny.

But I've got a job.

He's clapped out, your Uncle Arthur.

Game over. Time he packed up altogether.

You should be thinking about your future, son.

Minders don't last forever.

And what kind of future you got with an old shaft like Arthur Damon?

Don't you ever, ever insult my family, Denny.

That's personal.

You're threatening me, son.

If you want...

All right, Ryan.

I'll be in touch.

Sorry I couldn't bring the wife.

It's all right.

Previous, the professor put me straight about your boss, Arthur.

Terrific. Should have bought a bucket and a spade and all.

I told you, I don't want us to be seen.

So I'm here.

What do you want?

Oh, don't be like that.

What was I supposed to think?

I like you. I didn't want you to be married.

OK?

Yeah, OK.

But I do want your help.

Well, go on.

Nice out here, isn't it?

Yeah, it's nice with you.

What would you say if I told you that in six months it'll all be covered with

executive star houses?

Nah, never. They wouldn't part with the land.

Who wouldn't?

The club, of course.

Yeah, and who decides what the golf club does and doesn't do?

I don't own a committee. Perkins and all that lot.

Exactly. Perkins and all that lot.

His lot.

You know, I thought there was something funny going on when he started getting

rid of all the people who'd been on the committee for years and bringing in his

mates. And now Major Beattie's resigned, I'm sure.

So I had a nose about in his office while Perkins was out on the course.

And I found this.

Application for outline planning permission.

Only had time to copy the first page.

So who's Chetland Developments?

Who do you think?

Can you pick me up when I finish work and take me over the planning office to

check? I'll never make it in time on the bus.

I'm not sure about this, Lorraine.

Oh, great.

Quick, come here.

What? I'm only going to kiss you, otherwise you might suspect.

Well, well, well.

You're Daly's man, aren't you?

I wonder if you wouldn't mind keeping your hands off our employees.

I think you're fine, Lorraine. You're still well within working hours. I'm

there's plenty to occupy in the kitchen.

Sorry, Mr Perkins.

Sorry.

Don't let me see you on the course again.

I do have to think about the other members, after all.

As far as I'm aware, your Mr Daly isn't with us this afternoon, so I don't see

any call for you to be either.

You're not thinking of applying for membership as well, are you?

What time do you finish?

Six o 'clock.

Oh, you wanted me, sir. Oh, yes, my fault.

You gentlemen make yourselves at home. I'll see this chap outside. Excuse me.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

Do you think this is any time for CID versus uniform?

I'm sorry, sir.

Not quite with you.

Minutes before the Gestapo arrived this morning, your government suddenly, and

for no apparent reason, decides to hand in a CID expenses claim for vehicle

maintenance.

Oh, no.

Which means that someone must have told him they were coming.

Do you have any suspicions, Morley, as to who that might have been?

Well, I admit I didn't mention it, sir, but that was only because he was

wondering what you and I were doing in the yard yesterday with Arthur Daly.

Have you any idea how much his claiming has been spent on CID vehicle

maintenance this year?

Well, the cars are in a very bad state, sir.

Bad?

I wanted us to show an overall loss, not fund the American space program.

Very sorry, sir.

You'll have to do better than sorry.

There's only one thing for it now. Get it back.

Well, the coach.

And before they start the stock check.

If those two find out now that I've sold off a transport coach for next to

nothing, they'll have me on a skewer.

And if I go down the pan on this one, you're coming with me.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Because I've booked it out today in your name.

Morning, Arthur.

What time do you call this?

I can explain.

No need to.

I know what you've been up to, casting your lilies on the water. I had a

terrible time last night. You abandoned me. Didn't.

What am I supposed to do with a coachload of foreigners who don't speak

All Brahms as newts.

Arthur!

At the finish, a bloke from the Japanese embassy turned up and started making

threats.

I'm serious, Ray. This is a major professional lapse.

It was important.

Important. Me and Lorraine had to go to the town hall.

You only met her yesterday.

Wasn't it enough for her that she threw herself at you like all the others?

Not the registry, the town planning office.

Here, have a look at this.

What?

Outline planning permission for an exclusive development of executive

homes all over what is currently St. David's Golf Course.

I see.

Well, I must admit, Ray, this goes some way towards mitigating your behaviour. I

could get you on the ground floor on this. If you have a look where the

developers are, you might not be so keen.

Chetland Developments.

Directors Simon and Janet Perkins.

I don't get your drift.

Well, Perkins has set it up so he can flog the land to himself.

And all that money you've spent in the bar will go straight down the porcelain

if there's no more club, won't it?

Ray, I appreciate your concern.

I'll take your tip.

I'll withdraw my application immediately.

Lorraine was hoping you'd do something about it. Me?

What can I do?

Well, stop her.

Ray, you are in the grip of a serious delusion.

What you and your well -meaning friends who want to save the Welsh fail to

realise is we live in a time of harsh economic necessity.

This is the way people like Simon make their wedge.

No, I'm going to get clear while I... Oh, this is all I need.

I hope you haven't come round to offload another of your dodgy vehicles, Mr

Morley. I've had terrible trouble with that coach.

In that case, I'm here to tell you your problems are over.

Would that they were.

You haven't started flogging life insurance, have you? Are you trying to

funny, Daley?

Oh, no, no, no, never, Mr Morley, never.

Thing of the past.

Levity is a luxury I jettisoned along with several others. And I'm delighted

say your coach was one of them.

You've sold it? At considerable loss, I might say. You can't. What do you mean I

can't? I'm a licensed vehicle trader.

Who'd you get to buy it?

Rambo. Do you know where he is now? Where he is every morning, down a pool.

Right, get in the car. You're going to come and get it back.

I don't want it back.

Well, I do.

And when you've bought it back off him, I'll buy it back off you.

Mr Morley, you fly in the face of all established trading practices.

Anyway, I can't go chatterbanging off with you. I've got a business to run.

Daly.

How can I put this?

If you don't come with me and get that coach back now, you won't have a

business. End of story.

You will accompany me, Raymond.

If he tries to assault me, he'll do the necessary.

Sorry, Arthur.

I've got a bit of business I've got to take care of myself.

You jackal in Iena's clothing.

Excuse me, sir. Can you take your shoes off, please? What?

Can you take your shoes off, please?

I just paid £1 .30.

It's a matter of business, Rambo.

Could we go somewhere a little less public?

I can't stop them training.

Tell you what, I'm not best pleased with that coach.

In that case, Rambo, I am here to tell you your problems are over.

Now, in accordance with what you will know is my watchword, reliability, I

it my duty as a businessman to come straight over and tell you that coach I

you is not kosher.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't have been selling it if it was, would you?

Rambo, you besmirch me.

As you know, I had only just taken delivery of that vehicle last night when

insisted I make it yours.

There was no opportunity for a fully scrupulous check -up by my staff.

But fear not.

Fortunately for you, you are fully covered, as are all my clients, by the

Daly non -negotiable guarantee.

No quibble, no fuss.

I'll take back the buck.

I've come to refund your money.

I don't believe it.

Major

Beattie,

can I buy you a drink, sir?

No, thank you, Perkins. I'd like a word with you, please.

Certainly. In my office?

No, here in the bar.

I'm sure all the other members would like to hear what you have to say.

It won't take a minute.

We've got something we think you should have a look at.

This is a copy of a planning application for the development of the golf course

by a company owned by Mr Perkins and his wife.

Is this true, Perkins?

They're waiting.

Hold on, Arthur.

What's in this for you?

You put your digit on it there, Rambo.

There is something here for me, that's true.

Something irreplaceable.

Something mere money can't buy. My reputation.

Who lifts my wedge nicks trash compared to that. Nice doing business with you.

What are you playing at, Arthur?

This is short.

Wear and tear.

I don't know what you've been doing with it.

It ain't moved since I bought it.

That's the vehicle speculation game, Rambo. They depreciate while they're

standing still.

It's always this hot in here.

Hayley, superintendent.

There's something very odd about this.

How do you mean?

What I don't understand is why one officer, admittedly now accompanied by

more, should require the use of a police transport coach to themselves for a

day. I'm sure Sergeant Morley will be happy to explain that.

Won't you, Morley?

Yes, I would.

But I would have thought that was outside your grief.

Our brief is the use of police resources, Sergeant, effectively or

Now, I'm asking you to account for the booking out of this coach.

I think what the Sergeant's trying to say, Mr, um, Hart, or Daly, how do you

I think what he's trying to say is that, um, this is confidential police

business. I mean, when I tell you that we are engaged on an underground

operation, which I may say has taken us right up the sharp end of the front

line, I don't think you want me to say more.

I'm so sorry, sir. I had no idea.

That's all right.

We pride ourselves on our discretion.

Not that we aren't grateful for a bit of grassroots assistance from these local

lads.

This is a fine station. I expect you discovered that. Oh, yes.

Yes, with no complaints. Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you. Anything else

you want, the sergeant will look after you.

Morley?

Would you like a cup of tea before you go, gentlemen?

Thank you.

No word of thanks is necessary, superintendent.

Suffice it to say, I have been of assistance.

Don't push it, Daly.

I'll get your money.

Ah, no, this provokes a note of embarrassment.

You see, since our previous transaction, the market has fluctuated, resulting in

an upturn in demand for motors of this type.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

A slight readjustment in the retail position is inevitable.

How much?

You'd better get back to the golf club, Ray.

Daly, join us, too.

Marcel, another glass.

Oh, thank you, Major.

My pleasure.

Raymond, you are aware that this is members only?

One of my junior managers.

Ray's my guest, as is Lorraine.

I think champagne is the least we can offer them.

They've just saved the club from being bulldozed.

Bulldozed? You mean the threat to our environment has actually reached here?

afraid so.

Thanks to these two, Perkins, our former captain, has been unmasked at the 11th

hour. He's resigned from the club.

Call me a firebrand if you must, but I'm with his Royal Highness the Prince on

this. There's too much development, and I speak as an international

entrepreneur. Oh, I know you would have given us your full support, Arthur, had

you known.

My dear, mere words are not enough to thank you.

Well, they'll have to do for now.

I've got to get back to work.

Yeah, me too.

I'll leave it to you members.

And provisionals.

Good chap.

She's a fine girl. Yes, with a very nice sense of humour.

I expect you noticed her covert allusion to my small role in this whole

business. You were involved in saving us?

Oh, only in an advisory capacity, of course. I mean, as I'm only a

member, I didn't feel I had the authority to do otherwise but stay in

background, Major.

Call me George. George.

Provisional member, you say? At the moment, yes.

Oh, well, perhaps you could help me get that sorted, George.

Oh, by the way.

Call me Arthur. Arthur!

I've prepared everything, Arthur, just as you instructed. Not now, previous.

It won't be necessary.

I regret to inform you the tourism business has bottomed out and I have

forced to make an economic U -turn. U -turn?

I have abandoned that particular sphere of economic endeavour. Now, off you go.

Go on.

But, by the way, I shall want the recording equipment back.

But I have imparted the language of Shakespeare for the edification of our

friends across the seas.

Listen to this.

Scenes from English life. A language course for the foreigner.

Sorry about this, George.

One. Being arrested.

Previous. This is a member's only bar. Let's discuss it outside.

My hands are in the air. Turn it off.

You commissioned me. My hands are in the air.

This is no way to treat an artist.

I have nothing to say.

I have to inform you that our former agreement is rescinded. What could you

mean? You were not supposed to clock me in the club. Now give me that and stop

it. Hello, Arthur.

You've got me banged to rights. Jenny, I've just been trying to raise it now,

but no luck so far.

And yet I'm hearing from Rambone you've had one, if not two, nice little tickles

today.

Turn it off.

Why'd you let Arthur Daly run your life?

He doesn't.

I might look like that sometimes, but... Ray!

Ray!

I ain't got no money, Denny. Honestly, I ain't.

You're getting drunk, pal. Hold it.

What the hell are you playing at? There's seven of us.

Now, I know you're good, but nobody's that good. I'm Arthur's minder. I told

you. He's family.

Take on seven of us.

You remind me of myself.

Do you know that?

That's exactly what I'd have done.

You've got to stand up for your family, haven't you?

I respect that.

All right, Arthur.

Give us a grand and I'll forget it.

I knew we sought something out, Denny.

Like I said, Arthur, you've got yourself some class here.

You should look after it.

Anytime you fancy a drink, right?

All right, Danny.

Where were you?

Arthur, I shall be delighted to finalize your mention.

George, I'm thrilled, as I know her indoors will be too.

There's just one minor formality.

I do think we should have a round together.

Well, mine's a large vodka and tonic.

On the course.

No, no.

Tell you what, what about tomorrow afternoon?

Oh, I'd love to, Major, but I've got this handicap.

Oh, don't worry about that. Just as long as you can hit the ball, tell the

difference between a pitch and a wedge.

Pitch and a wedge?

Shouldn't be any problem for you.

Tomorrow afternoon.

Well, you're right.

Sounds like your Uncle Arthur's still in the bar.

Yeah, well, he'll be seeing himself home tonight.

Oh.

So you're free, then?

Yeah, I am, as it happens.

So if you're free, we could be free together.

And if Arthur changes his mind and suddenly decides he's free, you know,

phones and he wants picking up after all, and it's two in the morning, you'd

straight out and fetch him, wouldn't you?

Not necessarily.

Of course you would.

I like you, Ray.

You're very attractive.

And you're a really nice man.

Too nice for your own good.

Because your Uncle Arthur's got you on a string, and he'll keep you there

forever as long as you let him.

Thanks for helping me.

You saved this.

She gave me a blank.

They wanted me to play golf.

Let's go for a drink, eh?

Yeah, come on then.