Original subtitles

Thank you.

All right, all right, calm down.

There's no need to get all let up about it.

Calm down.

I tell you, Al Coran never played the golden screen epidrome.

Mel Pine was a very religious man. He wouldn't allow mind readers anywhere

his theatres.

Said they peddled the devil's wares.

Your memory is definitely going, Monty. I remember distinctly.

Al came on before Dickie Henderson.

He did not.

Maybe you're thinking of the Finsbury Park Empire.

No, no, it was Golders Green.

Al went off, Dickie came on. This is what I remember.

Dickie said, I hope you can't read my mind because I've just been talking to

Gloria Gay Glamour Girls.

Brought the house down.

Great little ad -libber was Dickie. Real star, Mr Piano Anderson.

That wasn't Dickie.

That was Joe, surely.

Look, I grant you they may have been on the same bill, but not at Golders Green.

It was one of Al's biggest regrets.

What do you say, then?

I can't help you there, Arthur.

I never was a great frequenter of Golders Green.

I can't say I blame you.

There were some very unsavoury customers used to congregate in the Crush Bar

there. Do you mind?

That's where I met my first wife.

Oh, sorry, Percy. No offence.

No, I was strictly a Kingston, Chiswick and very occasionally Shepherd's Bush

man myself.

Ah, the old West London Empire.

Some of my best clients played those.

Did you meet the Wilson, Keppel and Betty? Oh, a legend, a legend.

Tony Brent.

He was on your books, wasn't he, Monty? Oh, if only.

Tony Brent.

Singing to please.

Oh, now, that tag was my idea.

I suggested it to him in the Le Grand Coffee Bar. Do you remember? In Gerrard

Street. Did you really?

Arthur Lucan and Kitty McShane.

Oh, a very tough businesswoman, that Kitty.

Sid Field.

Oh, yeah.

Now, for me, no -one came near Rob Wilt. Well, now you're talking.

The day war broke out.

But how are you going to know which one is Hitler?

I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I, woman?

Night one, Knightley.

It's all on the pink.

Too hard.

Looks like you've thrown it away.

Ain't over yet, Barrel.

You've still got to put it.

Yes!

Well done.

Your game.

All right, all right. You've won your tenner. No need to show off.

I can't believe you beat me again.

You better believe it, my son.

Double or quick.

You're joking. It's getting monotonous. Yeah, losing always is.

Yeah, I could murder a lager.

Then you shall have one, my son.

On the house.

You're talking to mind readers.

What was the name of that vent act at a doll with a turban?

Professor Pickford and Mystic Mickey.

Tommy Pickford. Now, there was a talented boy. With the right

could have gone straight to the top, and I'm talking television.

What ever happened to him? I used to know his act backwards.

Whatever happened to all of them, Arthur?

Gone with the halls.

All gone.

It wasn't television that ruined the halls.

It was rock and roll.

That Elvis Presley. He had a lovely pair of lungs, Elvis.

But could he tell a gag? Not to save his life.

I mean, could he twizzle round on a pair of roller skates with a bird on the end

of a rope in his mouth?

A little top -up, Arthur. Oh, demitasse then, demitasse.

Tommy Pickford and Mystic Miggy.

Ah, there was an act.

Nectar.

A pint earned is a pint enjoyed, Ray.

Like money, like women, like everything.

The harder you work, the sweeter they taste.

You don't try hard enough. That's why I always beat you.

Lucky in love barrel, unlucky in snooker. What about money?

Yeah, I'll get by.

That'll look good on your headstone.

Here lies Ray Daly. He got by.

I've got me plans.

Same again, lads?

Yeah, why not?

All right, I'll bring them over then.

How about earning some real money? Doing a bit of work for me.

Like what?

Well, put it this way.

Whatever state they are in pub entertainment, I supply the equipment.

One time it was bandits, so I got into bandits.

At the moment, it's karaoke.

Where do I come in?

Well, in future, I want to be strictly supply.

You can do the legwork and make the pitches.

Yeah, how much?

That depends on you.

I hire out the machine to you for an agreed sum. Whatever deal you do with

punter is down to you.

Any profit goes in your pocket.

I don't know. I'll work for me uncle.

Has he got you under an exclusive contract?

No. Well, then. I don't think I've even seen a karaoke machine.

Meet me down at Rosencrown tonight.

Oh, you look a bit seedy around the gills. What you been up to?

Having my hair cut.

Yeah, most people have their barnets done and feel better. You get laid up

week. Yeah, were you at a five -star coffee again?

It happens every month.

I try to keep current, and then when I get up, I find my legs have gone.

I told Len.

He's overlating the percolator.

Well, you'd better snap out of it.

Not carrying any passengers today.

Ray, you're a youth.

What do you do for entertainment?

Oh, the usual, you know.

No, I don't. That's why I'm asking.

Well, what are you talking about?

I mean, what kind of entertainment?

What does an aging lad like you do for an evening's diversion without having to

take out a second mortgage?

Well, for example, this evening, me and Gloria were going to a karaoke night.

Oh, you don't want to eat that muck, Ray.

It's all raw.

Have salmonella before they come round with the finger bowls.

It's not food.

It's the kind of modern sing -along, only to a machine.

Where does this happen?

Well, pubs, mainly.

Come on, Arthur, get up.

Hey, where are you taking all this? I'm taking it down a dump, like you said.

Hold on.

I've had an idea.

What? Look.

Look.

Sundials.

You're joking. I'm just here to meet a bloke. I have a little deal going.

What sort of a deal?

What do you mind?

I'm just sounding out possibilities.

So long as we don't have to stay here all night.

And here he is now.

Come on.

No, I want to hit him out like he's getting injured.

All right, Bert.

How's it going, mate? Well nightly.

What do you make of my little karaoke evening?

Yeah, it seems very popular. I'm coining it in, sir.

Over the weekend, I'll take over five pounds.

Trev, drink.

I've got one.

Don't be a noose.

All right, what's everyone having in? Mixed company tonight. They're making

champagne, it's like a gift.

Here, Bear. This is Gloria. Gloria. Barry.

All right, girl. Are you going to get up and sing?

I wasn't planning to.

Go on, put your top of the lid. I can't sing. I've got cloth ears.

I bet she's a right little songwriter.

Bill, get this down in a screech.

Who's the old Peter?

It's me Uncle Arthur.

All right, Uncle.

How about some French lager?

Trev, glass.

Champagne, eh?

Celebration, is it?

What are you doing here, Arthur? Not exactly your scene, is it? No, no, Ray.

know me. I don't like to be pigeonholed.

I pride myself on my ability to mix in all servants.

Good for you, old Sam.

This is Barry. He runs the karaoke.

Oh, delighted, I'm sure.

Well, you're certainly packing them in tonight, Larry.

Tell me, how much does an evening like this set you back?

I wish you'd listen to me, Dave.

No. Look, we could be the new Folly Berger.

Little stage in the corner, lights dangling from the ceiling. We could

Dave?

You're barking.

I'm not, Dave.

I smell a winner.

No way. Why not?

One, we do not have a music license.

Two, this year, it's a drinking club, not a palace of varieties.

And three, I am the major shareholder, and I do not like it. Dave?

Be guided by me. Arthur, watch my lips.

No.

All right, all right.

But don't blame me when you see others prosper because of your short

-sightedness. I know, Arthur. I am a fool unto myself.

Now, let's drop him.

Dermot, my hand on my art. 400.

At the Rosencrown on Wednesday night?

A rainy Wednesday night with football on the telly. Hello, hello, Monty. Arthur.

Yeah, yeah, look, I want you to find him for me.

Mystic Mickey.

Tommy Pickford.

Oh, never mind. Use your old contacts, but locate him. He doesn't know it yet,

but he's about to make a comeback.

Yeah, find me as soon as you know where he is.

All right. Yeah. Hello.

Oh, because of the Kara... what's it?

Them little Pandora's boxes seem to speak to the very depths of the average

youngster today.

And they don't seem to care how much they pay for their lager as long as it's

turned on.

I don't know.

It'll radically change the pub's atmosphere.

Well, actually, I will object, Dermot.

I mean, let's face it.

You can make a French film in here most nights.

What could you possibly want from a gaff like this?

Faith Raymond, another virtue.

Moves mountains.

Mrs. Gabardini's may not be much on the peepers, but you are standing outside

the arids of Anzalone.

Ask Mrs. Gabardini for an African elephant. She'll have it washed and

and in your lock -up within 24 hours.

God, it's gear.

Amazing, isn't it?

You want it, she's got it.

And if she hasn't, she'll get it.

Look at this.

What do you want?

Mr. Daly.

Mrs. Gabardini. How nice to see you. For so long I'm into the pleasure.

And how well you look. So refined, so prosperous.

Oh, can't complain. Penny here, penny there.

And who is this?

Handsome, a younger man you bring to visit an old lady. May I introduce my

nephew, Raymond?

Nephew? I should have known.

He has your fine aristocratic nose.

He runs in the family.

Nice to meet you.

And how's Mr. Gabardini?

As ever.

He eats, he sleeps, he watches the Queen's Park Rangers.

He seems quite happy, but for Weggily misses a penalty in the Rombolos Cup.

Me. I don't even know what the rum blow is. You got me there too, Mrs.

Gabardini. And how are the little Gabardinis?

Little? They're like horses.

They're outside all day tinkering with their cars.

You hear about my eldest?

Yes, I did. And I must say, I think the judge was vindictive.

At least I know where he is for the next two years.

But let us talk of happier things.

What brings you to my home after so long?

Is it too early for a vodka with tonic? Oh, no, certainly not. Thank you.

I'm looking for some rather specialised electrical goods.

Go on, boys.

Hello. We're looking for Tommy Pickford.

That's me.

You're from the council?

Daly and Inchcliffe, theatrical agents.

You'd better come in.

Ta.

Daly and Inchcliffe?

Arthur, we're going to have to talk about our billing.

I don't know. I'll have to think about this.

I haven't been on stage for 15 years.

It's probably just like riding a bike, Tommy. Ta.

It's easier for you to say, Mr Daly.

Thank you very much, Tommy.

You were a quality act.

Arguably the best vent in the country.

I saw you play to 1 ,500 people and they wouldn't let you leave the stage.

Aye, they loved Mystic Mickey.

He's still got a track for the thumbnail, you know.

What made you give it up, Tommy?

As Grimsby 1976, I finally got the message.

There were 15 in the audience and they were only there for the stripper.

She was a nice girl, but her talent started from the neck down.

We died at slow death.

I thought, it's time to hang him up.

The world's outgrown him. In our opinion, the world has turned full

People are crying out for talent such as yours.

Tommy Pickford, what we want you to do is pick up Mystic Mickey, stick your

up his jacket and get practising.

It's all these years.

Do you think I could still do it?

Can we see him, Mickey? Just for old time's sake.

He was handed down to me from my grandfather, you know.

Mystic Mickey.

It's really him.

He's nearly 100 years old.

Keep your hands to yourself.

What a master.

Hugh Raymond.

Who's asking?

Tell Arthur, 300 quid. One month's approval, then we talk again.

No names, no pack drill.

And by the way, you've never seen me.

Hold on.

Who's that?

I don't want to worry you, Arthur, but I think we just had a visit from the KGB.

Lefty. 300, one month's approval, and he doesn't want any petrol.

Mrs. Gabardine is delivered.

I must say I'm impressed with the speed of their service.

What is it?

One of your oaky -coaky jobbies.

Karaoke machine?

Yeah. Is this what you ordered from Hounslow? The very same.

Oh, for this gear must be so hot you could fry your breakfast on it. I don't

know what you're going on about. Mrs. Gabardini is the soul of proprietary.

That's a while to poke and dagger stuff from her son, eh?

Oh, we're Italian, aren't they?

Continental. Like a bit of the dramatic, you know.

Well, I knew there was something hatching under that trilby.

What do you want with a karaoke machine?

The daily karaoke and variety night.

Better get it inside.

Karaoke and what?

The marriage of the modern with the traditional.

Electronic sing -along for the youth, but for the more mature punter, musical.

Are you sure you've thought this through, Arthur? In great detail.

It's brown ale till nine o 'clock and then three quid lagers till closing

To go.

All set?

Yeah, but you're going to have to start soon.

Where are they, then?

I'm not sure I can go on with this, Mr Daly. You had chin up, Tommy. The show

must go on. I can't even remember how the act started.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I know that better than I've ever heard a gag.

It's a microphone, isn't it?

Hey, listen, have a pull of this.

It'll buck you up.

Steady, steady, steady.

You want to keep the ship on an even keel?

Now, listen, as soon as you're finished, give Monty the nod, you've got the

karaoke, you sing the song, and that'll lead us nicely into the rest of the

evening. Now, this worries me, Arthur. It's new material. I haven't done a new

bit in 25 years. You'll knock them dead.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the Daily Inchcliffe

organisation, I'd like to welcome you to the inaugural night of the British

volunteer karaoke and variety show.

During the next few weeks, we hope to introduce to you a galaxy of stars from

the past, present and future.

But tonight, it gives me particular pleasure to introduce an all -time great

the golden age of music all.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, please, for the man himself,

living legend...

The maestro.

He's forgotten his name.

No, no, he's just giving him a big build -up.

Professor Pickford and Mystic Mickey.

You're going to love this.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to introduce you to Mystic Mickey.

Say hello to the nice people, Mickey.

Look, you won't hear anything.

He's gone deaf.

Bloody hell, I've gone deaf.

He's only the microphone.

I haven't turned his microphone on.

You turn it on now.

Spare me the commentary.

Good evening, Mickey.

Did you hear what the young girl said to the sailor? No. That's right.

Give him a chance.

Now, come on now, don't be a filly.

Bloody stupid, if you ask me.

I can't watch. This is going to be carnage.

Yeah, Sonny, are you calling me stupid?

Yeah. Well, you're the one talking to a piece of wood.

You're staying here, isn't it? No, I just have to mop up the blood, then we

shoot off and get a ruby.

Yeah, but I've got an early start tomorrow, picking up some gear from

Great.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I'll try it again. What's the matter?

I love the way you pout. Makes you look like Ingrid Bergman.

It's not exactly Casablanca, is it?

Sitting around in a West London boozer, looking forward to yet another chicken

madras. All right, all right. We'll go and get a Chinese. Whatever you want.

Nine and a half.

And a drink.

I'll get it.

You'll still afford to buy me over round.

Are you ready to do a spot of mine really?

I knew you were going to say that. I must start.

I have in my hands a pack of cards. Did you hear what the young girl said to the

sailor? You've already done that.

That's right. How do you know?

There you go.

Are you really going in with Barry?

So that's what all this is about, is it?

Gloria, you're the one who's always telling me to have more ambition.

Branch out and not rely on Uncle Arthur so much.

It's only a question.

All right.

Yeah, I am.

Do you think that's a good idea? I can't keep up with it.

One minute it's get away from Arthur, then it's don't get involved with Barry.

mean, what are you going... I just think Barry is a bit debatable.

What do you mean, debatable?

Dodgy. Dodgy?

Let me tell you something, Gloria.

Me and Barry finished school in the same year.

I left with two O -levels, he left with the upcaps of the caretaker's motor.

Then he went to work for his old man on his stall in the market. He now owns his

own snooker club, got his hand in several local businesses, and drives a

Of course he's bloody dodgy.

Now, tell me, I want this car.

Certainly not. Why?

Because you haven't looked at it yet.

Oh, I beg your pardon?

Have you looked at it?

Yes. What does it say?

The Queen of Spades.

Absolutely right.

Oh, that's amazing.

Here, hang on, hang on.

Here, what did the young girl say to the sailor? Now, come off it. That's the

third time tonight. How did you know that?

I'm supposed to be the mind reader.

Sing him your song.

I'd like to sing a song that is very dear to me.

Wooden heart.

They love it. Of course they do.

Do you ever doubt it?

Near enough, but never blue.

Oh,

if

it starts going on a blink, just tell them to switch it on and off a few times

at the wall switch.

All right.

There's your fee, Tommy.

Crikey.

That's the first money I've earned in 15 years. And there's plenty more where

that came from.

You can consider it a regular booking from now on.

Regular? Yeah, you'll be at the pub tonight, 7 o 'clock sharp.

Don't want to keep your public waiting, eh?

Like the old days, eh?

What would a crowd and a volunteer see in an old bloke like him?

Well, you don't see acts like that anymore.

He's a very funny man.

Dave, would you be interested in a general knowledge quiz machine for any?

No.

Why not?

Well, I wouldn't want to give my customers a crisis of confidence.

Well, go on then. Have a go.

Who was the leader of the Prussian forces at the Battle of Waterloo?

How do I get the answer?

Press bonus.

Kenny Dalgleish.

Yeah, well it takes a day or two to warm up.

John, John, no, no, no.

Robert, hang on, hang on.

Bit light on partners tonight, aren't we?

Can't understand it.

Usually chock -a -bye now.

The way you played that audience was marvellous. An expert angler landing a

salmon. A triumph.

A veritable triumph.

Here, here.

Cheers. Cheers.

You all right, Tom? I feel a bit short of breath.

It's a brandy. Sit down. Yeah.

Sit down.

I don't think I'm very well.

You need some fresh air.

I'd better take him home.

Come on. Yeah. All right, Tom.

bit rough arthur you better be at the club first thing in the morning you know

what you're gonna give me out with all that gear

Hello, little boy.

Would you like a sweetie?

But my mum always told me not to talk to strange women.

And there's none stranger than you.

I must say, you were marvellous tonight.

Took me back years.

Laugh and song.

Your risque joke.

Nothing filthy, mind.

It's another age.

My poor old Tommy's laid low.

Youth's the stuff that won't endure, Mickey.

For me, I thought those days would never end.

Never will for you, though. You've been wood and all that.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm very well, thank you. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

What's your name?

My name's Arthur.

What's yours?

Arthur? No, no, no, that's my name. Oh, my God!

Oh, good, you've found him, then.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a bit worried about Tommy.

I don't think he's going to keep this up every night.

My very own thought, Monty.

I think we'll just try and get hold of some more acts, take the pressure off

him. How many people will you get down the club tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Yeah, there must be a wealth of mature talent out there. They'd give

their right arms to have a chance.

Colin Stamp.

Ah. What are you going to do for us, Colin?

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm going to give you Fair Moon to Thee I Sing.

Very nice. Who's that by?

Gilbert and Sullivan.

Would we have that on a karaoke rate?

It's highly unlikely, Arthur.

Oh, never mind.

Our backing arrangements are a bit ad hoc, so you'll have to sing al fresco.

A cappello. The tempo's up to him, Monty.

Fire away.

Fair moon to thee I sing, bright region of the

heavens. Say, why is everything either

at sixes or at sevens? This is getting right up, don't you? It won't be

long before I chuckle all of them out. Either at sixes or at sevens.

Very nice, Colin. One of my favourites. Look, we're a bit pushed for time. We've

got all your details. We'll be in touch.

Thanks very much.

Raymond, can we have the next one, please?

Something wrong?

Wrong? It was dreadful. How can you say that? The boy's got a voice like an

angel. Yeah, and he'd very quickly end up as one if he sung like that down at

the volunteer.

Ah, now this you're going to really like.

Very modern.

Bang up to date.

Vernon and Veronica.

Actually, Veronica can't come. She's had to go down to the butcher's.

Well, I hope they finish up soon. I've got a club to run. There's only a couple

more.

Well, you'll have another ten minutes.

Yeah, Dave, have you given any more thought to that quiz machine?

No, I did not.

So that's a definite no, then? Yes.

Thank you.

Well, you've got to imagine it with the attractive assistant.

Yeah, very effective, I'm sure.

Is that all right? Yeah, fine. Well?

Very good. Very professional.

Book him, then? Yeah.

Why not?

Ten minutes of that would drive me up the wall.

Some of those acts were very disappointing.

But most of them were retired.

And seen a stage in years. Yeah, but they're professionals, aren't they? I

they're supposed to keep in constant practice in case the Hollywood producer

comes on the blower. Yeah, I can't see Spielberg employing old Vernon.

Oh, no.

We've been turned over. I don't believe it.

Oh, God.

Look at it. Oh, the rotten little magpies. They've had it away with the

And a little bag of tenpies, it's called. And all my Havana cigars. Oh,

All my personal paraphernalia. I'm a citizen. Can I have a moment's peace of

mind? Everything gone. I'm surprised they didn't take the carpet.

Arthur. I shall have a word to say to that Sergeant Morley. The old city is

becoming anarchic. Arthur. Roving bands of brigands, nicking at will.

Arthur. What?

I didn't take the karaoke machine out the back last night.

I'm so sorry.

I meant to take it out, but I met up with Gloria and we ended up in

Bush.

I'm really, really sorry, Arthur. All right, Ray, all right.

Into each life a little rain must fall.

Thanks to your nocturnal activities with a fair sex, I am now deep in the

Stilton with one of the more vicious families of West London.

I only hope this will be a lesson to you. Women are trouble.

No, no, no, don't say it.

I have now got to ring Mrs. Gabardini and break the bad news to her.

Oh, it will probably set me back a few hundred quid, but what's that compared

with you having a good time in the fleshpots of Shepherd's Bush?

Yeah, but that's the point, Arthur.

What's the point, Ray? I think they're a bit pricier than that.

How much pricier?

Dave! Dave!

What's the matter?

Brandy, quick!

He's had a turn.

Ten thousand.

I'm ruined.

I'll have to emigrate. Take it easy, Arthur.

How could you? How could you?

Ten grand's worth of stock and you leave it in the back of a wire -edge transit.

Oh, Lord, take me now.

You're just going to have to explain it to Mrs Gavardini.

That's right, Arthur.

You could tell her tonight she sounds a reasonable woman.

Why? Why is it me that always gets... What do you mean, tell her tonight?

She just rang to accept your invitation to the karaoke.

Oh.

Thank God I called you. You've got to do me a favour.

Have I now?

I need a karaoke machine for tonight.

Look, I know it's short notice, but we've got a right flap on. You serious?

Well, that's the deal, ain't it? I get the venues, you supply the machines.

When I said find new outlets, Ray, I meant Lewisham, Brent Crossway.

Not my bloody front doorstep.

Yeah, I'm not with this.

Do you know how many people were down my boozer last night?

Fifteen. Fifth bloody teen.

You know why?

Because some comical koala set up a karaoke evening of his own, not five

away. Hang on, that had nothing to do with me. You've got some fun.

Not only do you nick all my punters, you want one of my machines to entertain

them with.

Look, I'll be straight with you. It was Arthur's idea to set all that up. But I

promise you, you rent me a machine for the night, and I'll make sure that's the

last karaoke night they have down at Volunteer.

Well, what do you say, Barrel? Yeah, that's another thing.

Don't call me Barrel.

Plus, I owe you one. You name it. Any time you want to call it in... Ray Daly

owes you.

Did you get one?

Yeah. Oh, thank God for that. Where is it? Well, it's in the van. In the van?

the van? Go and get it before it gets nicked. All right, I'm going.

Ray, I couldn't stand another nicking.

My nerves are shot to pieces. My blood runs cold at the thought of them Gabby

Houdini boys putting on their leather gloves.

I'd like you to pick on a member of the audience.

Hey, you with the big ooter, do you want a fight?

I mean, select a member of the audience and read their minds.

You, madam.

Oh, you

dirty

doggie.

Your husband doesn't find out.

How do you explain the extra milk?

a long time I have not enjoyed myself as much as this. So much laughter and

gaiety. It made me feel quite young again.

Oh, come now. I'm sure you're not a day over 30.

Oh, if only.

Don't you worry, Pet.

There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

There may be a bit of snow on the roof. Well, I'll bet there's some fire left

down below.

Don't you think you ought to put Miggy in his box?

Oh, why?

Where is my machine?

Sorry? My karaoke is in FXSIT.

The one you used tonight for the 4020D.

Um, yeah, we had a wire come out. We're getting it repaired.

Why did you not bring it back to me? Oh, it's only a minor fault. I insist.

Bring it round on Friday. We will attend to it.

But there's no... There is no reason why you are not able to bring it round, is

there?

No. Good.

Friday, then.

Oi, Knightley.

Who's there?

Barry, what are you doing here? I'm calling in my favour now.

Already? Yeah, I need some transport for tomorrow. Take some gear to Luton.

Luton? Yeah, to have the complete prac.

Smashed up the exhaust of our van.

I was going to hire a new one, but then I thought, no, you could save me the

expense. As you owe me one.

Fair enough.

But then we're quits, yeah?

Good boy.

Any spare cash you'd like to put in half of before I cash up?

No, no, Dave. You know I do my bit.

I have a more pressing charity closer to home.

Hey, Dave.

How would you like to take advantage of my present cash flow problem and buy me

out of Winchester for a mere...

10k? Arthur, you haven't paid me for your share.

Oh.

Trevor, get down here and help Ray get his machine loaded.

And, Ray, I want it back here by tonight.

Yeah, you never said anything about bringing it back.

I thought it was obvious.

You mean I've got to drive all the way back to Luton? No, no, you've got to

there with it. Oh, fine, thanks a bunch. And I've got to un -pull that gear on

my own.

Trevor's going with you.

Oh, great.

Come on, Trev.

You can put that out.

What? That disgusting pit prop you got in your mouth. Now put it out. I'm not

having you polluting the area all the way up to Luton.

It's bad enough having to put up with halfers all day.

Here, shove the radio on. You ain't got... Brand new.

Put it in yesterday.

Lester, these are collector's items.

Quality sundials designed by one of London's premier young artists.

What do you mean you don't get much sun in Aberdeen? We're not talking

functional, we're talking heirlooms.

Yeah, like you get in the Sunday glosses.

150 quid for a bit of editing.

Lester?

Lester! Harper.

Where the hell have you been?

Looting. Looting? My life is hanging by a thread and you go jaunting off to

looting. Never mind that. Give me one of your cigars. Certainly not. It'll stunt

your growth. I'm not going to smoke it. Come on, just hand it over.

What for?

Not one of these. One of your more upmarket ones.

Oh, there's one there.

But what do you want it for?

That's it.

Oh, you be careful with that.

They've just gone up again.

There you go.

Where are you going now? To see a friend.

What's Daley doing up there?

He nearly broke my arm. I'm gonna break your neck.

Hello, Barrel. Ray.

So what brings you here?

What are the point?

Who bought this here?

You've been a bit devious, haven't you, Barrel?

There's me running up and down the M1, paying off the favour of you lending me

karaoke machine, when all the time you're the slag who's nicked out in the

place. Isn't that ironic?

Well, what are you going to do about it? Shot me?

Nah, that ain't my style.

Don't threaten me, Daly.

You want a rock, I'll have 20 litres up here with snooker cues, softening your

head. Hey, who's threatening? It ain't my machine.

Now, let's go downstairs and have a drink.

Just you and me.

Everything all right, Barry?

Disappear.

Move.

Well, this is cosy.

Let's get down with it, Ray. What's on your mind?

A deal.

Well, that depends on you.

You see, I went in with you for a bit of independence.

Branching out, as you might say. And I end up working for nothing.

That's worse than working for me uncle.

Now, it seems to me you're sitting on a very valuable piece of equipment up

there. And me, I've still got nothing.

Go on.

My plan is we flog it and split the profit.

And how do we do that?

Well, I just happen to know a place not two stops on the North London line that

offers top dollar for that kind of gear. No questions asked.

So I'm happy.

You're happy.

And Uncle Arthur?

He'll get over it.

I'll drop by and see you later.

You give me five minutes of your time, Ray Dalio, you'll be singing soprano.

I haven't heard from you for days.

I'll be a minute, lads.

Dear, oh, dear. Well under the thumb.

What can I say? I've been so busy. And I've had a lot of time to think.

Don't look at your watch.

How big is your flat?

Small. Exactly.

Well, so is mine.

We need a place big enough for two.

Do we? Yes, we do.

Look, this is just a really bad moment.

Oh, is it? Really?

Well, when is a good moment? Our next evening down the pub? Or the next curry?

Or the next... I know what you're saying.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

We'll talk about it.

Talk? Talk?

Well, great. You give me a call when you've got five minutes free. Ina, don't

like that.

I'm serious, Ray.

I need commitment.

I know. I know.

I've just got a little job to do.

OK.

Well, I know where I stand.

But, Gloria...

Bit

of a damp, innit?

Well?

Well, what?

Well, get out and help him.

Mr. Daly. Mrs. Gabardini. I've bought the merchandise.

This is Mr. Powell.

Mr. Daly tells me you have a proposition for me.

Ray, um, Mr. Daly, tells me you're interested in specialist goods.

So he brought them here for you to, um, view.

I see.

Very interesting.

Good condition.

Hardly use at all.

These assistants are very expensive, no?

Fifteen grand new.

Lot of money. And how much are you asking, Mr. Powell?

Nine thousand.

And for this price, how do I know I have no unpleasantness from the authorities?

I don't understand.

What Mrs. Gabardini means is that if we agree a deal, afterwards we forget the

name of Gabardini. Understood?

Oh. Absolutely.

I think we have a deal of sorts.

One karaoke machine returned as promised, and the balance of the rental.

It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Mrs. Gabbiadini, as always.

Very educational.

Barry, thank you for delivering the machine I rented from this good lady.

Truly Samaritan.

Come on, Ray, we mustn't dawdle. Tempers fidget, as you Italians say.

You see, there's more than one way to fry a fish. You don't have to go in with

your fists flying.

Well, thank you, Arthur. I'll try and remember that.

So we've had to wrap up the daily Inchcliffe management, for the time

I'm sorry, Tommy.

Oh, don't push yourself, Arthur.

To tell the truth, I don't think the actor has stood up to playing the same

house week after week any road.

I could feel him going stale on me.

Best for everybody all round.

Always had the time to make tracks.

Oh, by the way, a little something for me and Monty.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't. Go on, it's your entitlement.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tommy.

No, no, I mean it.

It was great to get one last crack at them.

I'll always be grateful to you for that. You'll always be the greatest.

Best I ever saw.

Turn around, Tommy.

Bye -bye, Mickey.

Get out of it, you sentimental old fool.

A saluary lesson, Leonard.

For everything there is a season, and the days of variety are gone.

Monty and me were interfering with the laws of nature.

One lump or two, Arthur?

Two, please, Leonard.

I like to think of it as a noble experiment.

To capture for a brief moment the glory that was musical.

Nearly cost me my damelot.

Hello, playmate.

All right, thank you. Can I do you now, sir?

I've just booked two weeks in Spain.

Lot of vino, little golf.

Wonderful. You going away this year, Arthur?

Abroad? I shall cocoa.

With this green and pleasant land on our doorstep.

Never go out with her indoor sister.

She's got a caravanette in King's Lynn. I've always enjoyed the continent.

Remember those tramping holidays?

Now, they were holidays.

Rucksack on your back, you could go anywhere in Europe for 30 bucks.

Yeah, there's an idea, Arthur.

Tramping holidays.

I don't want to hear it, Monty. The past is best left to memory.

Our lost youth should remain so. No more bright ideas.

I just want to enjoy my coffee in peace.

Another lump, please, Len.