Original subtitles

Bye.

You tell Arthur, fall not born next week.

Go, go, go, go!

Imran, an Englishman's bricks and mortar is his castle, even if he do hail from

Puna.

I am offering you the best moat and drawbridge 20th century man can come up

with. You remember that when your entire stock goes absent without leave.

Look, I appreciate your concern, Arthur, only I don't need security.

Think that a peace of mind.

And it's priceless, and here I am practically giving it away.

A user -friendly, intruder -hostile, daily security system. Arthur, I'm okay

security.

He said, as in vicious.

Oh, come on, Lenny. You know Arthur's rule. None have no gear.

Fear enough.

Marty, give him aid, will you?

Blimey, what were you in previous life? He's no baggage handler.

Oh, Imran, far be it from me to cast aspersions on young Sid's crime

skills. But, I mean, four feet and a mouthful of froth, it might frighten the

postman, but not your committed blagger.

I mean, Bolanob will win a lot, he'll be out of the frame.

Looks like you made a friend there, Arthur.

No, your lovable canine will never replace hands -on digital wizardry from

land of the rising sun, Imran, I'm telling you.

It's not me you've got to convince.

Excuse me, Arthur.

Don't leave me, Imran.

I hope you haven't forgotten what day

it is, Arthur. I only asked me to remind you.

I've had a torrid morning, Dave.

Don't go on.

We don't want a repetition of last year, do we?

Look, one minor discrepancy on an otherwise unblemished record.

Can't think of it. You forgot the year before and all.

Dave, when you're up to ear grappling for a crust in a crowded marketplace...

The occasional red -letter day is likely to slide under the radar.

Well, if this one slides under the radar, don't blame me.

Dave.

Satisfied? Ray's picking up the penguin from the cleaners and the knife and

fork's booked for later.

Surprised, do I, aren't they? Yeah, but her indoors still thinks you're going

for the hat trick.

Nice one, Arthur. Dave, women are funny about birthdays.

You're allowed to forget two on the trot, but you forget three, they get

twitchy. Seem to think you've stopped caring about them or something.

What show are you going to?

Show? Show?

What you see here are highly sought -after ringside seats for tonight's

Yeah, it's nice to know that romance still thrives, Arthur.

Here. That's three pound twenty you owe me.

Make it a round, Fiver.

Well? Yeah, can't complain.

Well, did you deliver the goods?

Yes. And? No.

They wouldn't pay. What?

What would you expect? They want their damn things installed, not just

delivered. What, do you think they're going to bolt the intruders over the

with their alarm casings as they break in?

Well, why can't you plug them in for them?

Me? You're joking. I'm executive material.

Now, what you need here is the sparks.

The electrician, Arthur.

What can I get you?

No.

Why, well, you go and saturate your arteries with cholesterol, then.

Your prerogative won't show up.

Ron. Arthur. How are you?

What is it, five years now?

Three, Arthur, with good behaviour. What'll they be?

Two coffees, I think.

No coffees, Arthur. A killer is coffee.

Well, two teas, then.

Oh, this is my nephew, Ray. Well, then. All right.

Ron, I hope you don't mind my saying this.

But your silver -tongued salesman spiel leaves a little to be desired.

Far be it from me to teach you your job, but the customer is always right, even

when he's wrong.

Cheers.

Mind you, in this particular case, I think you might have a point.

A little milk and sugar wouldn't come on this.

Poison's milk and sugar, Arthur. That is a pure chamomile infusion you've got

there.

It come to me when I was doing my last shovel.

Or said, Ron, why are you spending your elsewhere years at a majesty's pleasure?

You keep getting nicked.

In theory, you're ready to eat diet butter.

No, it was time to start treating my body as a temple for a change, as

to a bus depot. No, I saw the light. I unearthed my nirvana, alternative

catering. The alternative being a proper nose bag next door.

Ron, dead meat and chips.

That's the preference of the great British palate.

Not free -range yoghurt with a sprinkle and a trill.

You are burying yourself deeper and deeper in a financial mire with this

What you need, Ron, is an earner.

Now, it so happens I have a position in my organisation for just such a man as

you. One who knows, so to speak, the ins and outs of the burglary trade.

You've got the wrong man, Arthur. I'm going straight. No, no, no, Ron, you

misunderstand. What I am offering you is the chance to use your expertise for

the benefit of the great British public at large.

I mean... A man who can unravel the intricacies of the most sophisticated

security system in what? 45 seconds.

Precisely. Such a man, wiring him up would be a doddle.

All you've got to do is think backwards.

Look, Arthur, I don't want to wet -blanket this or anything, but I

the Ron. He has got a rebel Paul McCartney to give his right arm for.

I mean, it's this wise.

I'm surprised at you, Ray, I really am. You are looking at a decaffeinated tea

leaf. Where is your faith?

Ron?

Didn't I give you a fiver?

Oh, you're right, Arthur.

I mean, some of the Mickey Myers wiring I've seen in my time.

More of a fire hazard than a deterrent.

I've got to be able to do better than that.

Of course you have, Ron.

It's the old poacher turned gamekeeper. Pratt to catch a mackerel principle,

isn't it?

I think you'll be really impressed, Ron, at the quality and range of hardware

that Daily Security can offer a beleaguered public. You really will.

Hang on a minute.

All right, I'll get it.

What you done?

Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur.

I'm going to lock it up again while you get the keys.

Oh, be serious, Ron.

I've got 30 grand's worth of state -of -the -art security equipment in here.

How's he going to look remarkably on the telephone and say, sorry we're late for

the delivery, it's all been nicked?

I've said I'm sorry, Arthur.

I mean, this is not exactly Fort Knox, is it?

Security -wise, wooden doors went out with white spats.

Now, what you need here is a titanium aluminium roll -up.

Not cheap, of course.

Well, Peter might as priceless, Arthur.

Exactly how much money would I be looking at? Oh, I don't know.

Three and a half, four grand.

Three and a half to four grand?

Ron, I'm trying to put the robbers out of business, not subsidise their villas

in Torremolinos.

Now, you leave that one with me. Meanwhile, you have a little practice

Well, as you so eloquently said, this place is a sieve.

Now, Graham, listen.

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation why that consignment of

will not stick to the side window.

Global warming.

Ron, Ron!

Sorry, Graham, Graham, sorry.

Yeah, global warming. It's playing havoc with interior atmospherics of your

average family motor, you see.

No, I mean, a certain amount of moisture is a prerequisite of... Graham?

Graham?

Graham, you still there? I can't hear you all.

Technical hiccup.

I won't bludge with the science.

What's your favourite number?

You know, a date of birth, something you can remember easy.

93 .50.

That's what her indoors squanders on the hairdressers every month. I'm hardly

likely to forget that in hurry.

9, 3, 5, 0.

Ah!

It's all my offer.

It's supposed to do that.

Now, just walk casually, normally, toward the exit point.

It's not me, I really won't.

Right,

let's go for one.

We're further down.

Hey, what did you bring, Harper?

I knew you could do it, Ron.

Once a craftsman, always a craftsman.

Oh, that reminds me.

Here's your, um, itinerary for tomorrow.

Start with Kowloon dry goods, about eight -ish, then go on to Elk.

Oh, is that a problem? I thought that would have been right up your street.

All brown, ripe and seaweed.

No, it's not that, Arthur. It's just that, well, I'm a bit brass -farving at

moment. I thought you might see your way clear to, uh... I'd love to, Ron. I'd

love to. But you're staffed now.

Wages don't get paid till the end of the following fiscal week.

Otherwise, you see, it would upset the delicate infrastructure of the PAYE

system I have here. Now, there you go.

You get an early night.

You've earned it.

Ear off.

You still need me. Only I've got to meet with the chaps.

No, no, no. You get off, Raymond. Oh, hang on. Hang on.

There you go.

You sure?

Family.

Thanks, Arthur. I'll see you tomorrow.

Right.

Hello, Dave.

It's Arthur.

Is Raymond there?

Yeah, no, no, I know he's on a night out, but I thought he might have dived

for a digestive.

Look, I'm at the lock -up. If he shows his face, tell him to foot it over here

pronto.

Well, of course I've tried the flat.

That's because I am a Mike Pete, Dave.

Look, just tell him, those roll -ups he collected for me, while being the

requisite 12 foot wide... They're about three foot short in the drop department.

I can't shut them, Dave.

Look, I'm stuck here minding the place with 30 grand's worth of security

equipment open to all and sundry.

I don't see what's ironic about that, Dave.

Look, if you see him, just tell him.

and a Diet Coke.

How many of you lot like a cup of drink? Not when we're on duty.

Tenner says you'll end up down the Indian on your tod.

Same as usual.

Winchester Club.

Oh, hello, Arthur.

Well, he ain't showed up in the past 20 seconds.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose you could say he's looking thirsty.

Mind you, he was suited and booted.

Yeah, so he's probably going somewhere where they let in the big girls.

All right, gentlemen, settle down.

And ladies.

Thank you.

Right. There's just a few things tonight I'd like to bring to your attention.

I've received the latest printout from... As predicted, it confirms that

station's arrest quota is down 12 % on the national average.

Now, this can either mean that we're reducing crime on our patch to a

degree, or, more likely, we're pulling in bugger -all offenders and are

consequently being entirely piss -poor at it.

Now, I don't have to remind you of the importance that upstairs are putting on

Operation Big Pull.

Right. Update.

This week's top three in reverse order.

Constable Mandelson, shoplifter at Boots, and a couple of drunken

from the Crown. Well done.

WPC Sarah Addison, the GBH merchant yesterday, and a good lead on that

car outfit. Well done.

And this week's winner, same as last week, Constable Corman.

He added another ten sheets to his previous seventeen.

Excellent work, Cormann.

Hello, Kent.

Pulled in more litterbugs, is it? Or have we moved up to the big time, you

joyriders and all that?

That's just a sort of attitude.

Upstairs, they're trying to stamp out detective sergeants.

Frustration.

Oh, it's, um... It's, um... Oh, what's this?

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Sun arise in the

morning. All around.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

I wonder what happened to him.

Probably went back to the valleys.

What time do you make it?

I make it one minute past.

Nearly two, actually.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Winchester Club?

No, he ain't showed up yet, Arthur.

Beef prices soared to new high.

went up to three and a penny a pound.

No one says nay to a pony.

Oh, this is not happening.

Anybody home?

Your name's Daily?

Yeah. You look like you could do with a drink.

Dave, third you might.

It's true, I'll grant you.

Some of your more insensitive travellers find cabbies really boring.

But, and mark this in red, I am not a party to such slanderous

characterisations. Yeah, well, I think I'd better be moving on. I bet you had

some famous people in the back of your cab, hadn't you?

Old Brucey, Mr Barrymore, all white, all white.

And what's the other one? You know, the ones who always say, shut that window.

Must be very interesting.

I would have pulled her, you know, if only you'd gone after her, mate.

She's out of your league. I think that's your mate anyhow.

What do you think?

Take anything.

Anything you want, but don't shoot. Please don't shoot.

You're under arrest.

Arrest?

Oh, I never thought I'd be... Easy.

Look what you've made me go and do.

That is our future sovereigns on the floor in bits there. The officer, you're

making a large mistake.

Do you know who I am? This is my locker.

What's all this then? That is a list of Arthur Daly's securities.

Or is it reading part of the entrance exam for the police college these days?

No.

What are you doing?

Are you coming quietly or am I going to have to call an ambulance? You can't do

this to me.

Do you know I'm Arthur Daly?

Do you hear?

I see we're a boxing fan.

Oh, my God.

I'm a dead man.

You'll never guess who Cormann just brought in.

Well, if they know I'm here, where are they?

They'll be here soon enough.

Diabolical liberty.

It's a gross infringement of my constitutional rights.

This is North West 10, you know, not some gulag.

One phone call, that's your constitutional right, and you've made

of a lip.

Have you any idea how hard they'll come down on you when this is all sorted out?

You'll be wearing a helmet till you're 70.

Don't tell me he's had an accident.

I'm Detective Sergeant Morley.

This is Detective Constable Park.

And your name is?

Mr. Morley, straighten this comedian out and let me get back to the real world,

will you?

Is this the person you found breaking and entering the warehouse?

Caught red -handed, sir. Mr. Morley, please.

Name?

Look, if this is your idea of a joke, it's in very poor taste and is in grave

danger of incurring my wrath.

Not now, Constable.

It's urgent, sir. There's a reported burglary at Bleasley Street.

Calhoun dried goods.

He's also on the cards. I will have to face a very irate Erlin Dawes wanting a

plausible SP on my birthday remembering duties.

Sorry I asked.

You will be. You're minding the lock -up after you've dropped me off.

I'll get Ron to relieve you in the morning.

He's supposed to be wiring in that gear all morning.

Not before time, either.

Well, that reminds me. While I was down the station, I heard Kowloons had been

turned over.

Serves them right for turning their noses up. What?

I said, serves them right. No.

Turned over?

You mean broken into?

Is this your higher education coming to the fore?

You heard them say that Kowloons had been burgled. They actually said

Look, I just told you. The list.

He's got the list of places that need wiring.

What? The one you gave him.

The list of fitting ducks.

Unprotected sitting ducks.

If you are sure about the name.

What? The second name on the list. You're 100 % sure, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

L &M, crash repairs,

Moseley Street. Yeah, I think.

Yeah, no, I'm certain. If you had your list, we'd be certain, certain.

Look, Arthur, I may be wrong.

If it was him at Cowlands, you don't have to be Crockett and Tubbs to suck

that he's working his way down that list.

Crockett and who?

You just mind a shop.

Come on, Arthur, we ain't got all night. Hang on, hang on.

I need joy.

Clean as a whistle.

Very neat and tidy, very professional.

Hmm.

What about the safe?

Untouched.

Nothing seems to be missing at all. It's weird.

Bango's another red dot.

Well, I don't know.

I like their videos on the violent side, these orientals, don't they?

Blokes sleeping about in the air, kicking each other's teeth out to

sound effects.

Penishly clever when it comes to the technical side, aren't they?

This is obviously a combined television and video unit.

No, I don't think it is, Sarge.

Must be.

How else do they play the tapes?

Something clearly is missing, then.

Arthur, it's me, Imran.

Imran.

Imran, my son.

Oh, easy, Sid.

Sit, boy.

Sorry about that, Arthur.

He thought you were going to attack me.

It's just that he's trained to go for unidentified Caucasians.

No offence, eh? Oh, no, no, none taken, none taken, Sid.

Imran, I'm not fully conversant with the going rates for dog rental. Oh, forget

it, forget it, Arthur.

He'll be dining up in this for a year.

Oh, no, Imran.

I'd rather you didn't put it about, if you don't mind.

I mean, it's not everyone understands that when you're trying to push back the

frontiers of technical science to its nadir, that the odd nose -up may occur.

I mean, even the great Leonardo de Milo was not averse to going back to basics

from time to time.

That's been fair, hasn't he?

Serves me right, right?

I could have told you it was Arthur Daly, but you would have taken no

I know I'm the laughing stock.

This is going to put your career back, what, about a fortnight?

We're still taking odds that you're going to be governor here by Christmas.

80 notes, and that's not even solid vinyl.

Down,

boy. Down, Sid.

In your own time.

Down.

Don't do that!

Sid,

I didn't know it was you.

Sid, Sid, it was quite uncalled for. I'm sorry, Sid. I'm sorry!

was broken into tonight.

Cow Loons.

I've seen the name somewhere.

Hellfire.

Hellfire's Mosley Street.

Ah.

Sydney.

Tell me about it. Oh, God, Ray, I thought you must have... It's not your

day, is it?

I don't believe you. I really don't.

Arthur gives you a totally undeserved chance in life. I mean, he went to the

wall for you.

What do you do with it, eh? And for what? A lousy video recorder?

It's pathetic.

What priceless artefacts have you gleaned from this place, eh?

Leave it alone for one night, could you? Well, it's not my fault, eh?

Yeah, funnily enough, you're probably right.

Arthur should have known better.

Put it back.

Why shouldn't we leave it here?

I mean, we shouldn't get out of here.

Jarvish!

Put it back!

Well, well, well.

Two for the price of one, eh, Ted?

Here's a drink, pal.

Here's a drink.

This your car?

Yes, yes. Capitalist pig.

God, I hate capitalists.

I'll drink your drink, mind you.

You just don't expect me to like you.

That's all, pal.

Well, when I say it's my car, I mean it's my employers who employs me.

You're an employee?

Yeah.

Driver!

I'm sorry, pal.

Really, I am.

Eh, what's your name?

Arthur.

Arthur. Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah.

Have a drink.

Arthur.

Well, good morning, Mr Daly. Mr Morley, I am prepared, out of misplaced faith in

the good intentions of Coco de Clownier, to put his first unwarranted abuse of

human rights down to youthful enthusiasm.

But twice in one night. This constitutes serious police harassment in my book.

Mine too.

Really? Oh, really.

You see, Constable Cormann's first collar could be construed as a mite

optimistic.

But your second one, Daly, is entirely down to me.

Now, I assume that you're not going to deny any knowledge of a certain Raymond

Daly. Well, no.

No, we do have a sort of tenuous connection through the sanctity of the

vows.

What's all this about, Mr Morley?

Nor have one Ronald Frederick Waters.

Who? Oh, Ron the burglar.

as he's better known. Oh, Ryan, Ryan, yeah. Yeah, with you, with you, yeah,

yeah. Yeah, acquainted with him vaguely. He works for you, Daly. On a

probationary basis, agreed.

Yeah, well, since he's on probation, that does seem rather apt, don't you

Now, look, you're going to tell me what this is all about, or what?

The facts are these, Daly.

Your employee, Waters, who has more form than the page three girl, plus your

nephew, by accident of birth, young Raymond, are cocked in flagrante.

With this.

The Solid Panic Mark IV video recording unit. The property... Now, don't you

dare question this.

The property of one Mr Fong of the Kowloon Dry Goods Company.

On top of this, they're both picked up at the second venue on your hit list.

Now, I'm sure there's going to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all

this, knowing you.

I know it's going to be good.

I can barely wait to hear it.

From your own lips.

Here. Well, I would be the first to admit that

after superficial inspection of the circumstances, that it is conceivable

an impetuous, suspicious custodian of the law might jump to certain

Call me impetuous.

Call me suspicious.

Don't ever.

Call me thick.

I wouldn't dream of it, Mr Morley.

No, no, no. I think what we've got here is a misunderstanding.

A perfectly understandable misunderstanding.

Don't give me that, David. No, no, no. What you have done here, Mr Morley, is

assume, assume, that because Mr Walters has done more stir than your average

magic mix, that he was of necessity on the premises for a nefarious purpose.

Well, it did cross my mind. Of course it did, Mr Morley, of course it did.

And I, for one, as a prompt payer of my poll tax, would be the first to ask

serious questions if it was not so.

Oh, I know, I know, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, what was Mr Waters doing with Mr Fong's personal video

equipment in his possession?

And the answer is a simple one, Mr Morley.

He was doing what we in the trade call a feasibility check.

He was checking the compatibility of Mr Fong's gear with the surveillance

equipment that Daily Security were installing on his premises in the

adequate protection from the police department.

Oh, come on, what, 3 o 'clock in the morning? He's a perfectionist, Mr

Now, look, this may come as a revelation to you, but your average criminal does

not go blundering through attic windows in broad daylight.

It is a nocturnal occupation.

Mr. Waters was simply checking things out in situ, as it were.

In situ, yeah.

Yeah, I see. Very good, very good.

Tell me, Daly, enlighten me a little further.

Why were both Waters and Daly Jr.

apprehended clambering through the window at Ellenhaven Crash Repairs under

cover of dark?

A very good question, Mr. Morley. You are definitely the magnus magnus that

everybody's met.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Would you say that young Ray was an average sort of bloke?

What's this leading to? An ordinary lad.

Go on.

You would, yeah. Right, now, would you also agree that Ron is an extraordinary

security expert?

Yes? Yes. Right, so it is necessary for him to have a colleague who can guess

the route.

that an ordinary, average criminal would take to break in.

Hence Ray's essential participation in the exercise.

Ridiculous. You've got a point, Detective Sargent.

How else would you account for them being found at L &M empty -handed?

A bingo recorder.

You jeopardised a lifelong dedication for a bottom -of -the -range video

recorder. No, Ron, no. You have betrayed a trust.

Well, no, Arthur, but it's just my karma's all the cock.

I mean, a child who'd have driven on toast is bound to surface in the long

I am not talking about your penchant for thievery, Ron.

I refer to the fact that due to your staggering incompetence in the

department, I'm a near three -foot shortfall on the security front.

Oh, fix it, Arthur. Just needs a little minor surgery is all.

You need me any more, Arthur, or I'm knackered.

Oh, are you, Raymond?

No, no, no, you run along.

After all, I've only spent one half of a particularly auspicious occasion acting

as a night watchman, and the other half extricating you from more porridge and a

Scotsman's adult breakfast.

I said I was sorry, Arthur.

That lot of help that is.

I'll see you later, then.

You got my remote?

Yeah, it's in the office.

Ready when you are.

Okay, Ron, I'm ready.

Say, what did I tell you?

I'm having a problem.

Relax, Arthur.

Find a hitch.

Ron, Ron, you misunderstand.

I'm having a serious problem.

Oh, my God!