Original subtitles

oh

You're 20 and 20.

You're 20 and up 40, Arthur.

I'll just call this, Mike.

Two pair.

Jack's up.

Three -five.

You're a canny bugger, Arthur.

Yeah, about time, too.

Yeah, talking of time, better make the next game the last one.

Well, I'm ahead, so it's your prerogative, Nick.

Give him a good shuffle, Tom.

Might change my luck. One more for the road, is it?

Well, that's the last end. Let's give it a go, eh?

That's 50 to kick it off.

Here, 50.

Oh, 50.

Too much for me.

Give me one.

That too.

100.

You're 100.

Up 200.

200.

And up 2 ,000.

I don't believe this.

Best handout I've had all night and I've run out of cash.

Will anyone cash me a cheque?

What about you, Arthur?

Huh? Come on, you know I'm good for it.

No, nothing personal, Nick.

I'm allergic to cheques.

They make me sweat, give me headaches.

Look, I just need two grand to see him.

I have him, I know I can do it. Well, if you're so sure, why don't you show

Arthur your hand?

He might come across, then.

No harm in that.

Come on over here, then.

Tasty, Nick.

Very tasty.

But checks.

I always have trouble with checks.

Look, I'll tell you what, Arthur.

I've got a car I'll sell you.

I've got quite a few I could sell you, Nick.

No, this is no ordinary car, Arthur.

It's German.

It's a collector's item.

I've got one of the last ten ever made collectors go potty for them.

Pristine condition.

Never been driven.

Even so.

Look, look, I'll give you an idea of what it's worth.

I will sell it to you for £2 ,000 so that I can see him, and then when I win

pot, I'll buy it straight back from you for three grand.

Deal?

What about the logbook and the papers?

Come on, you two, you're going to see me or not?

He's going to see you.

I thought you were arranging your holidays.

No, just evaluating the collateral.

Shrewd man like you, Arthur. You ought to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Too late. They flogged everything worth selling.

It's a formality, Mike.

You can't beat me.

You only took one card.

That's true.

That's what I got.

No use at all.

Then I already had four tens, didn't I?

Now, what have you got over there?

Not enough.

I wish you'd seen his face.

So I ended up well in front, plus I won a car.

They do raffles as well, do they? No, no, no, I won it at poker.

Classic German model.

They don't make them anymore.

Collectors buy them as an investment, you know, like a Van Gogh or Madonna

photographs. Madonna photos?

Well, they're ten a pound.

Not the ones I've seen.

Of course, they were taken before she became a virgin.

So we on our way to pick up this classic German car, then? No, it's being

delivered to the car lot tomorrow.

Ray, my son, we are on our way to pick up another little bargain.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Lots 43.

One dozen sets of a table and four chairs manufactured by that well -known

historic Midlands company, Everard, the property of Svelman's The Furniture

Store.

William Spellman, having announced his retirement, is disposing of his entire

stock.

All the tables and chairs are, of course, brand new, still crated. The

retail at £400.

I have one dozen sets. Who'll start me at £2 ,000?

£500. Nice to see we have a humorist with us today.

Come along, ladies and gentlemen.

Very well, then. £500.

600. 700.

It's with the gentleman in the executive overcoat at 700 pounds.

And 50.

750. Come along now, ladies and gentlemen. There's nearly 5 ,000 pounds

Mr. Arthur Daly.

Yeah? There's an urgent phone call for you in the office.

800. No, tell him I can't. I'm bidding.

Well, she said it was a matter of life and death. She has to speak to you

immediately.

900. With you, sir, at 900.

Please, Mr. Daly, it sounded terribly urgent.

950. I've 950.

1 ,000. Thank you, sir. Glad to see you've put away the petty cash and found

your wallet. I have 1 ,000 pounds.

Why did he keep needling me?

Well, he reckoned the furniture should fetch 3 ,000.

Please take the call. She's got life and death.

Thank you, sir.

1 ,100. I have 1 ,100.

All right.

Ray, you carry on bidding.

50 at a time. Slowly.

Don't go above 2 grand.

Trust me, Arthur.

And 50.

I have 1 ,150.

Well, the gentleman with the crazy hat is checking his credit rating. He'll

me 1 ,200 bucks.

Yes? This is Arthur Daly. Who's this?

I'm at the hospital, Arthur.

The hospital?

What's happened?

She's had a boy.

Who has? Your wife.

You're the proud father of a nine -pound bouncing baby boy.

No, no, no, no, no. It's impossible.

She has headaches.

Always has.

Well, I bet she's had more than a headache now.

She says, can she call him Beauregard?

Beauregard? Betty?

My wife's name's not Betty. Who is this?

Who are you?

This is Arthur Daly.

Daly? No, I want Arthur Paley.

I know what you want.

I have £1 ,350 for the second time.

£1 ,400.

Thank you, sir.

£1 ,400 I have.

Are we finished?

£1 ,400.

£1 ,400.

Sold to Mr... Daly, with a D.

Of course, sir.

Sold to Mr. Daly. Now, the next lot will be of particular interest to newlyweds.

Lot 45, a 100 -piece dinner service. 45?

He's got that wrong.

I've just bought lot 43.

Blue and white.

You've slowed the bidding down a treat rate.

Arthur Paley, you won't believe that telephone call.

Arthur, they raced through the bidding after you'd left. The furniture went for

£2 ,800.

And what have I just bought for £1 ,400?

And I'm telling you, this is a diabolical liberty.

The sort of stroke you'd expect them to put on a tourist up in Oxford Street. I,

Squire, am no tourist.

You are down here, Mr Daly.

Keep out of it, son. He'll have your ears for hors d 'oeuvres.

And I want inquiries made about that telephone call.

The idea that I should knock out a nine -pound baby boy at my age. It's

slanderous. Have you found that, Mr Paley?

No, sir.

You're not likely to either.

I've been conned and I'm not having it.

What you are having, Mr Daly, is lot 44. You bid for it fair and square in front

of everyone. It was knocked down to you at 1 ,400 pounds.

And what if I say I am not having it? What are you going to do then?

I think I'd send for the police.

It's always a good start. Then I'd have your car impounded.

There'll be court proceedings, of course, but the local J .P.'s a very

friend of mine. We share a common interest in abstract art.

I'll get a picture.

I know the way you country people stick together.

I saw straw dogs.

Uh, under the circumstances, Mr. Daly, I would prefer cash.

Arnold, fetch in lot 44 for Mr. Daly.

You'll be hearing from my solicitor. Always delighted to talk to the legal

profession, Mr. Daly.

My solicitor's also a devotee of abstract art.

There he is, Mr. Daly. Lot 44.

His name's Lightning Bertie.

I blame you for this, Ray. I tried it, Lowy Dan.

I bet they're slowly on the furniture. He sent someone over to see if I'd gone

to sleep.

Never mind. The exercise will do you good, Arthur. You know, taking it out

walkies. I've got other plans for him.

Lightning Bertney, three -year -old son of Surprise Surprise out of Jack Straw's

Castle. Open race winner from Glasgow to Wembley.

He's got stamina.

No, that means racetracks all over the country.

He did 29 .41 at Sheffield.

Finalist in the World Cup, 90.

Won the Brewer Trophy last year.

Finalist in the 3 ,000 guineas, 91.

Ray, he's got form as long as your arm.

Why's he wasting him, then?

Nah, too much aggravation.

No, I think I'll sell him on.

I mean, with form like that, I think I've got a bargain.

Who do I know who indulges in grounds?

What about Billy from Bradford? Good boy, Ray.

Billy from Bradford.

He's bound to be in it. He's a northerner.

They're into that sort of stuff. Whippets, pigeons, left -wing MPs. He's

at livestock.

I'll give him a bell when we get back.

All right, Bertie.

Good, yes.

Uh -uh. A very brief please.

That auctioneer played his audience like Victor Sylvester. Slow, slow, quick,

quick, slow.

Mr Paley, I mean Mr Daly, has apparently bought himself a pup.

Or rather, a three -year -old greyhound.

Two down, one to go.

You know, if we do the hat trick, I think I'll die a happy man.

Got to hand it to you, Ashley.

What was it you called it?

Psychological warfare.

Just another way of getting revenge.

One of the things we have in common is we've all been conned by Arthur Daly

the years.

What could be more natural than we get together and con him?

And he also won Wendover Cup in March, breaking a ten -year -old track record.

Sounds a goer, eh?

To you, Billy, two grand.

A bit all right, Billy.

But you can sell it one for three, no trouble.

No, no, no, I'm not into livestock.

I'm a married man.

All right, all right. Tom.

What did he say?

He's going to make inquiries.

Well, while he's doing that, what are you going to do with Lightning, Bertie?

We'll drop him off at my place. Come on.

Come on, Bertie. Here you go.

One spot.

Drive, Ray. Just drive.

What happened?

Oh, we're indoors and I've got the hump.

Bertie, wet on the perch and rug.

frightened a tropical fish and met all the passion flowers.

Did you tell her she had a boy called Beauregard this morning? You forget I

told you that.

Are you going to drive this car or am I going to ride the dog?

Hello, Arthur.

Brought the wife out for a drink, then? That'll be enough of that, Steve, or

I'll set him on you.

All right, Dave. Evening, Dave.

A large VAT for me and a St Clement's for Ray.

That dog, Arthur.

What about the dog?

Well, I don't know.

What do you reckon?

Guinness? I mean an ear. He's a bit big for a club, isn't he?

Dave, this is a drinker, not a nunnery. There's pubs all over the country called

the Greyhound.

I suppose so.

What's he called, anyway?

I'm surprised you don't recognise him. I picked up some bargains in my time, but

I reckon he's the ultimate.

He's called Lightning Bertie. He's a champion.

Oh, yeah?

Who's paying for all this, then? Lightning Bertie? Put it on my account,

Before you became partners in his club, he used to call it his slate.

That's progress, Dave. And before you ask, I have not forgotten about my

contribution as a shareholder in the Winchester.

That's very good of you, Arthur.

Here we are.

Guinness for lightning, Bertie. Cheers.

Here, Arthur.

Do you have any luck with my furniture?

Raymond, why don't you take Bertie over in the corner and give him his drink?

Right.

That furniture went for more than you'd pay for it in the shops.

I wasn't going to throw your money around like that.

That's very good of you, Arthur.

Come on, let's get down over here. It doesn't pay to let Arthur Daly hear your

business.

Son, I had the table renovated. I sold it for £800.

Nice, quick, in and out.

How's your business?

I've got a customer desperate to buy a Medina iron frame upright. Do you think

can find one?

Nowhere. I've tried everyone.

I haven't seen a Medina piano in years.

You know, they used to be everywhere.

It went out of fashion, didn't they? Everyone got rid of them. Now I've got a

customer willing to pay up to 4 ,000. Can't find one.

Anywhere. Money for the taking, too.

Hold up. Don't mention Medina.

Hello, Arthur.

How are things?

Never better, Mark. Never better.

All right, Roger?

Fine, thanks.

Can't lie.

Time to go.

Friends?

Antique dealers are never friends, Ray.

Just acquaintances.

Oi,

you got my change?

Change? You owe me another ten quid.

High protein mix, fresh steak and vegetables do not come cheap.

You sound just like they're indoors.

Anyway, what did Billy say? Did you get a result?

Well, apparently Bertie was a champion in his day.

Until he ruptured a tendon.

His racing days are over.

Never mind, son.

Couldn't have been much fun chasing a bit of tail you could never catch, eh?

Good boy, Ray.

What? You're giving me an idea.

I'll put him to stud.

With his track record and all that steak, it'd be like winning the pot

night. I'll get on with that first thing in the morning.

Now, Ray, about tonight.

No, Arthur.

No way.

What do you mean, no, Arthur? No way what?

I mean, I'm not entertaining Bertie for the night. It's just for one night. I'll

get something sorted in the morning.

Look, he's been exercised and fed. Leave him in the lock -up.

I mean, you're always going on about security.

He'll give you some.

Would you like tea and toast or something else?

What about tea and toast followed by something else?

He noticed. He has to have special food. I've got it in the locker.

How do you mean?

He finished all that up after we left.

He's given her indoors a disturbed night. He's made me sleep on the sofa.

And furthermore, he snorts.

Hey,

this is more like it.

They're advertising here for greyhounds for breeding at hundreds of pounds a go.

Repeat for missing bitches.

What's that mean?

Can you come back next week?

Oh, we don't want none of that, Bertie. You make everyone count.

Your uncle Arthur needs the readies.

Well, my uncle's a bookmaker, Arthur.

He's bound to know some trainers.

Now you've got your clothes on, I recognise you, don't I?

You're bouncing Morrie's girl.

That's right.

Does your father know where you were last night?

No. No, he doesn't. You wouldn't tell him, would you, Arthur?

You find me a good trainer?

I'll have an attack of amnesia, right?

Right.

Gently, gently.

That's a classic German car you've got there.

That's what you must for you state -of -the -art rubbish.

Gently, gently.

That's it, that's it. Go on.

Get that crate open, right.

Don't get hammer or spanner or something.

Mm -hm, mm -hm, yeah.

Any more?

Oh, good.

Yeah, the top -class dog, all right. I've seen his form.

Come on, Ray.

Come on.

What is that?

It's your Ben.

Ben Gold. I thought it was a car.

I'm supposed to get a classic German car.

You haven't bought it, have you?

Why?

What's wrong with it?

Difficult to know where to begin, Arthur.

They used to make them in East Germany.

If that's what they got up to, they should have kept that bloody wall up.

Here.

It's a Trevent.

500cc engine.

Take a couple of wheels off, you can drive it on a motorbike licence.

Here, plastic bonnet.

Gravity -free petrol tank.

0 to 60 in something like 45 seconds to a minute.

Get some petrol in it quick.

Are you going to take it for a test drive?

No, I'm going to drive it round the lock -up and hide it. Anyone finds out I've

been lumbered with this, my reputation will be ruined.

Come on, come on, get some petrol.

And move, Ray!

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, yeah, the name's Wilson, Frank Wilson. I'm interested in his Fiesta.

Oh, it's a lovely car.

It's only done 27 ,000.

I see you do part exchange.

Yeah, that's right.

What did you want to trade in?

Well, it's not actually a car.

It's, um... It's a piano.

I understand it's worth a bit.

We're car dealers, Mr Wilson. What would I do with a piano?

This piano, what make is it?

What do you make of that, sir?

Ashley Brown buying a Paris dress.

Not likely, is it?

My snout tells me Ashley's on the move. Remembering ambitions.

Well, he's been wanting to expand his activities for some time.

You know that shop he's gone into?

What about it?

Well, the owner, Morrie Stevens, does a lot of business with Arthur Damon.

Does he now?

A dress for your good lady, Mr. Morrie?

So, do you know who I am, then?

Of course.

You're legendary in this manner.

So are you, Murray.

I thought I saw Ashley Brown leave here just now.

Was he buying or selling?

Look in.

Yeah, I thought he would be.

He wouldn't have happened to have offered you some sort of after -sales

would he?

No.

Something that could possibly be mistaken for protection.

Protection?

Ashley Brown's a business man, not a gangster.

They come in all shapes and sizes, Morrie.

Did Arthur Daly happen to crop up in the conversation?

I don't think so.

Difficult to remember.

Go on, Dad.

Why don't you tell him?

Morrie, obstructing the police in their inquiries is a serious offence.

Now, why don't you tell me what Brown had to say?

To tell you the truth, Sergeant, apart from buying stock from Arthur, I'm about

to invest a substantial sum of money in his business enterprise.

It's all above board.

My accountants approved it. But I don't like these things to get around.

As for what Ashley Brown was saying about Arthur, I didn't understand him.

told you not to do business with Arthur Daly. You understood that all right.

Why did he say that?

Nothing about Arthur being finished or washed up. Said his judgment had gone.

He said...

Don't you know about the Trabant, the Greyhound and the piano?

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

It's more of a case of what I can do for you.

You were sitting near me in a Winchester club the other night. Was I?

Yeah, with a friend of yours in the same line of business.

I couldn't help overhearing how anxious you were to lay your hands on a

particular piano.

Piano? Yeah.

A Medina iron frame upright?

Yes, you're right.

You're quite right. I was after one, wasn't I?

You certainly were.

Well, I've got one in excellent condition.

Now I can lift you over for two grand and that will still give you 100 %

You do have good hearing, don't you?

Yeah, pity about that.

Pity? Yes, customer changed his mind. He's putting in a jacuzzi instead.

What about you buying it then? You're worth saying how rare they were.

Do you know, I was.

I've since found out you can pick any number of them up.

Top price, £100.

Well played, Mark. Well played.

See you later.

Ray Daly's just discovered he's been conned. There's more to come.

What, you're going to con him again?

No. As soon as we finish lunch, I suggest we spread the good news around

manor. I'll be selfish to keep it to ourselves, eh? Exactly.

Something's going down, Ray.

I can smell it.

That's the third cancellation of the day.

How come my regulars don't want to know?

Am I using the wrong soap?

Or do they know something I don't know?

Daily's into Europe. Can I help you?

Arthur, this is Ashley Brown.

I was wondering if you'd reconsidered my offer.

Look, I've told you, Ashley, my businesses are not for sale. What's up?

you take no for an answer?

Yeah, well, if there's nothing else, look, I've got an empire to run, stock

move.

Yeah, time is money and you're on my meter.

Yes, I heard you'd expanded, gone into the music business, haven't you?

I wondered if you'd be interested in six French horns, a kettle drum and a

couple of fiddles.

You've been at the aeroplane glue again, Ashley. What are you going on about?

Well, if you took that lot off my hands, what with the upright piano you've

already got, you could start your own...

Always said you were barking mad.

Sorry about that. I trod on his foot.

That was Ashley Brown.

I think he must be Brahms.

Going on about upright pianos.

Arthur, I've got something to show you, but don't say anything until we get

there.

You haven't bought another Trebent?

No. Thank God for that. I took it in part exchange for the Fiesta.

Oh, yeah? The one that's only done...

It's a piano, Ray.

It's a piano.

Get it inside as soon as possible.

They really stuck it to you, didn't they? Let me tell you what happened.

No.

Let me guess.

Someone has worked, as yet for reasons unknown. A classic number on you.

I'll bet you overheard.

Two antique dealers chatting quietly, didn't you?

In Winchester, probably.

And I bet one of them said he was desperate to lay his hands on a Medina

frame upright piano.

Prepared to pay a fortune for it, he was, wasn't he?

And then, out of the blue, this large gold brick lands at your very feet.

Ray, I've learned in this life that when you bend down to pick up these gold

bricks, some rotten sod comes up behind and kicks you up the posterior.

I'm sorry, Arthur.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I help you?

Arthur, that business proposition that we discussed, I've changed my mind.

No, I'm going to leave the 20 grand on the money market.

Ashley Brown knew about the piano.

I'm sure Big Mike and Nick Rutherford rigged that poker game together.

Rutherford cons me with a trabat.

Ashley Brown sticks me with a greyhound. And Big Mike lumbers you with a piano.

So that's what all this is about.

And that's why Morrie just pulled back 20 grand.

Loss of confidence.

That Brown's behind this.

Been trying to take me over for years.

Let me go down and thump him. I'll feel a lot better then. No, Ray. That is not

the way with him.

He'd have his solicitors on to us double quick.

At all costs, we must not let on to anyone that I have been triple -conned.

Damage limitation is the order of the day.

Yeah, don't lean on there, Mr Morley, please.

That's an export order for a valued customer in Leningrad.

Word is, Daly, that you have been severely taken to the cleaners by Ashley

and his friends.

There's ridiculous stories going round the manor, don't you think?

Do keep that dog quiet, or he'll have you for disturbing the peace.

This is war, Ray. We must move fast before the enemy does any more damage.

Ray not coming in then, Arthur?

He's gone to see a girl about a dog, Dave.

Business is looking up, am I right?

Strength to strength.

If it goes on like this, I'll be able to pay you for my share in this place.

That is good news.

Call for a drink, Rebus.

Dave, speaking as a shareholder in the Winchester, it's always struck me that

this place lacked one thing.

Your contribution?

No, no, no.

It's always struck me that it lacked music.

Now, I'm in a position to rectify that situation.

I want to make you an irresistible offer.

Thank you, darling. It won't take you a minute. I'll see you right for a drink.

He's in excellent condition, Mr Daly. You've looked after him well.

Well, he's had the very best of food and his telephone box is air -conditioned.

It's the least you can do for a champion.

Saw him win at Glasgow, you know. Beat the track record.

Damn shame about that tendon.

Could have won the derby.

That tendon, it won't stop him, you know, performing, will it?

He won't have to chase after, though.

No, we tie the bitches up and then offer them to the dog.

Oh, don't give the bitch much of a chance, do it.

We try to leave nothing to chance.

Now, how about we say 200 pounds a time and a free repeat for any bitch he

misses? That sounds reasonable.

They bred humans the same way.

They'll make a fortune, I think.

I think that was a very good day's work.

When that dog gets busy, I'll be on a nice little earner.

I've moved a piano that only leaves the classic German car.

It dates, Brizzy. You've got a darts match on.

What's going on?

What's going on, boys?

Excuse me.

Come on.

There you are, Ray, you see? That's what happens when you delegate authority.

Come on.

We'll shift it.

Arthur, if you were not a minority shareholder in this place, I'd ban you.

Stop me with this piano, Arthur. What are you going to say about it?

You're right, Dave.

Definitely stuck.

There you are, Dave.

To every problem, there's a simple answer.

One magnificent Medina iron frame upright in situ.

Yeah. At my balusters, eight in situ.

How could you use a drink?

Yeah, they used a new set of banisters.

You can't look far this time, Arbor.

Fret no more, David. Fret no more.

Open plan kitchens have been superseded by open plan drinkers. I shouldn't be

surprised if Vogue run a feature on it. That's stuff, Vogue. Look, I want a new

set of bloody banisters.

You certainly do.

What's going on?

Why are demolition men working in my favourite club?

Oh, Mr Morley, how pleasant to see you. I didn't hear you come in.

Well, you should have done. I nearly fell arse over tip down your stairs.

What happened to the bannisters?

Woodworm. What?

They had to go, Mr Morley.

Menace to the public.

So's that bloody gap.

I'm giving you 48 hours to get them replaced.

Homosexual? Are you telling me Lightning Bird is homosexual?

All I'm saying, Mr Daly, is all he wants to do is roll over on his back and have

his tummy tickled or play with the other dogs.

It happens sometimes.

You remember that colony of lesbian penguins they found on Tristan da Cunha?

Now, there's a variety of reasons. It could be dietary.

Equally, if a young greyhound is kept from bitches for a few years...

He can develop a marked disintonation to mate.

It would happen to me, wouldn't it?

Bloody thing should have been called Doddering Doris.

What are you going to do with it, Arthur? What can I do with it? I can't

it, I can't breed it.

The longer I keep it round a manor trying to sell it, the worse my

going to get.

I'm going to dump it.

Dump it?

Dump it?

Oh, that's going to do your reputation a lot of good, isn't it?

Well, I don't suppose I'd get an award from the Kennel Club, but what else can

do?

I'll put it about I've sold it at a profit.

No -one will know.

Oh, no.

Well, you won't tell anyone, Ray. You're family.

Family? And what happens to family when they've outlived their usefulness?

You going to dump us too?

An uncle dropped in a dish off the M1?

An auntie left in a toilet in Aylesbury?

An ageing minder found under a tree in Kew?

Don't talk to me about family.

No, Ray, you don't understand.

I'm doing Bertie a favour.

All his little life he's been running round in circles chasing electric

I'm giving him a chance to catch a real one.

And what about the upkeep?

All that steak and high -protein mix and vegetables.

It mounts up, you know.

I'm going to dump him.

I never thought it would end up like this, Ray.

Spending a golden summer of my life with a bent ground.

Is this it, then?

Is this the future?

Come on, Arthur. You're just depressed about Ashley Brown.

Ah, Ray.

Those conning beggars have given me food for thought.

Shades of immorality.

Old age, Ray. Old age.

Nonsense. You've got your life in front of you. You can do anything you want.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, look at Socrates.

I mean, he was past 70 when he took up musical instruments and learned it to

dance. And have you seen the state of those ruins outside Athens?

Disgraceful. If he spent his time studying double glazing instead of

around with a dither, we'd all be a lot better off.

Birdie!

Birdie!

assaulted my prized bitch!

And she wasn't even in season!

You've got no right bringing a demented animal like that up on the heath!

Geraldine!

Geraldine! Come back here!

I wonder if I could get seven to four against that bitch getting home first.

Yeah, he tried to get off with her bitch.

That's all I need. A lame, homosexual greyhound with failing sight.

I think he knew what he was doing, all right.

There must be something you fed him.

I just gave him some of those doppelgangers from the Winchester.

Hey, do you remember what that bloke at the Greyhound farm said?

It could be dietary.

Give him some more of them doppelgangers and get him back to the stud farm.

Lucy, I want you to do something for me.

What did you have in mind?

Can you get a couple of days off?

Excuse me, I'm looking for Arthur Daly. I was told I might find him in here.

Oh, yeah. I ain't seen him today.

You can leave a message if you like. If I could.

That's a fun idea. No banisters on the stairs.

Glad you like it.

If you could give Mr. Daly my card, I'd be grateful. It's very urgent.

Film production, eh?

You ever turn Harper into a movie star?

No, not quite.

Just want to do some business with him.

I see. Well, I'll make sure he gets you.

Right. But here.

Keep him away from your banisters.

Right, I will.

And thanks for your help.

Excuse me, I'm a business associate of Arthur's. Perhaps I can help.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, thank you very much. What'll you have?

This guy Middleton works in the film business.

He's got his own company that designs stock, props, items for the movie.

I've checked him out.

Spoke to his secretary on that number.

He said he was out dealing with a crisis.

He certainly is.

And that's where we come in.

There's a big -budget American movie being made out of pine wood. It stars

Nicholson. A lot of the time, Nicholson drives around in a Trabant car.

Now, yesterday, during shooting, he wrote it off.

Production at thousands of dollars a day is being held up while this guy

Middleton tries to get his hands on a brand -new Trabant.

He's been in touch with his contacts at the registration office in Swansea, and

guess whose name they've come up with?

Arthur Daly.

And how much is Mr Middleton prepared to pay for the car?

Put your own price on it.

They're desperate.

Ray,

are you sure?

Yeah, I'll take it.

You don't have to. I mean, I don't want you to get stuck with this car.

It's all right, Arthur.

I've got a mate over south London. Told me last night he's been looking to get

hold of one of these for ages.

Really? Yeah, I might even make a few quid out of it.

Apart from anything else, it gets it off the manor.

And after what happened with that piano, I owe you one.

Oh, I'm very grateful, Ray. All right, two grand.

Same as I paid for it.

Quick, I'll give him a ring.

Arthur! Nick?

Look, Arthur, about that poker school.

I've been feeling very bad about what happened.

Luck of the draw, Nick, luck of the draw.

Hey, did you tell Ashley Brown what happened?

Ashley Brown?

Of course not.

Why? You seem to find out damn fast.

What do you want, anyway?

Well, I thought that the proper thing to do would be to buy the car back from

you. Don't want you to get stuck with it.

Why should I get stuck with it? You told me these Trabants are in great demand.

I haven't had time to test the market yet. You know, pressure to work and all

that. Yes, yes, of course.

I'll give you back your £2 ,000 for it.

I seem to remember you were going to give me three.

Ah, yes.

That was if I'd won.

Ah. That's funny, you coming in like this.

I agreed to sell it not five minutes ago.

Sell it? Yeah.

Who knew?

Me.

Um, how much for?

None of your bloody business.

Ah, yes, I've heard about you.

I'd better be polite, hadn't I?

It won't help you get your hands on that traven.

After, it was some guy called Edward Middleton on the phone.

Who? Desperate to speak to you. I said you'd call him back. Look, Arthur, I'll

give you the 3 ,000 I promised you. Don't worry, Arthur.

I'll match you 3 ,000.

Four? I'll give you 4 ,000, Arthur.

Five. I'll give you five.

It's all right, Arthur. I've got savings.

Six. Six grand.

7 ,000.

Nine, Arthur.

£9 ,000.

£9 ,500, Arthur.

That's my best offer.

And don't forget, you promised to sell it to me before he turned up.

£10 ,000 in your hand right now.

All right, Nick, it's yours. £10 ,000 cash in the end.

I'll be inside, Arthur, if you want me.

Give me the cash and get this car out of here quick.

I've got a bad taste in my mouth and I'm not sure which of us two put it there.

Raymond, what can I say?

How about beginning with thank you?

What? I may not know much about Medina Uprights, but I know a kind of

gambler. Nick Rutherford overhears someone desperately inquiring for Arthur

Daly. In the Winchester, probably.

Well, here's this fella. Let's call him Edward Middleton.

Saying how desperate he is to lay his hands on a troubling motor car.

Willing to pay a fortune for it.

Well, out of the blue, this large gold brick is just falling at Nick's feet.

Checks it out, of course. Wants to make sure Middleton's on the up and up.

Funds his office.

Speaks to Middleton's secretary.

Let's say she's called Lucy.

I think he's going to learn that in this life, when you bend down to pick up one

of those gold bricks, some rotten sod comes along and kicks you right up the

jacksy.

Now buy us a drink and I'll tell you the rest.

But, Ray, supposing I'd yielded to my better instincts and let you have the

for two grand and told Nick Rutherford what to do with his offer?

Arthur, I was banking on you keeping your better instincts under control.

And I'm delighted to say you didn't let me down.

Ray,

have you really got nine and a half grand in the bank?

No.

Yes, Mr Fletcher.

Has he?

I see, Mr Fletcher.

Arthur, the banisters.

What about them banisters?

Got to be cheaper to chop up the piano.

Trust me, Dave, trust me. I've heard that before, Arthur. The two days are

you know.

Excellent, Mr Fletcher, excellent.

Tell him to keep it up.

And good work, of course.

Yeah, hello.

Well, Ray, it looks like them doppelgangers are working.

Lightning birdies striking all over the stud farm.

Think I might try one of those doppelgangers myself.

You be careful.

Arthur, have you any idea what a new set of banisters is going to cost?

Has it happened?

Yes.

Ray, my son, you're on a bonus.

Let's have some fresh drinks.

I'm getting them in. There you are, Dave.

What's all this?

Well, unless I've miscounted, it's a thousand pounds.

The piano and the banisters are on me.

And that's a grand off what I owe you for my investment in Winchester.

I think I'm going to fight.

Or I'll be looking at the moon and I'll be seeing you.

Hey, come on, Arthur. Give us a song. All right.

Yeah, I will.

It's a pity those three jokers aren't enjoying a party, Arthur. Ray, my son,

they're singing a very different song now. One full of pain.

I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.

I've done what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.

I've steered each charter course, each careful step along the highway.

But there, much more than this, I've done it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew, Well, I did offer.

Melons.

Oh.

You've replaced your banister.

29 minutes inside your deadline.

Yeah, sorry about that. Must come as a deep disappointment to you.

Never mind.

I thought I heard singing as I came in here just now.

I sincerely hope I didn't.

There's no music licence for the Winchester Club, and as far as I'm

there never will be.

Don't worry, Dave.

Right? Get your chainsaw and get your piano out of here.