Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to Love

you

like you want me to

Thanks a lot, mate.

Feel that underwear.

You dirty old man.

All right, Terry.

Go on, Billy, don't be shy, don't be shy.

None of your North London sweatshop tat there?

No, but can it perform?

Can it perform?

He's a Pope Polish.

Billy, I guarantee each one is made of genuine Taiwan porcelain.

Yet they make it look like plastic so as not to frighten the very young

children. I mean, look at the artwork in that face.

Remarkably clever race, those Indians. I think it's all that salt.

Listen to this.

Sing a song of six and the pocket full of rye.

Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.

When the pie was opened, the birds began to sing.

That's Arthur Daly.

Champagne ideas, beer money.

Diagnosis?

His condition is acute.

Prognosis. I forgot.

Time for a quickie before lunch, gentlemen.

I do like to go to school.

All the boys and girls are so nice to me. Will you come to school with me?

She walks like she's suffering from violence.

What do you expect for 15 quid, Ginger Rogers?

Zip up your pockets and stroll down Oxford Street. They're knocking these

for 30 quid a day.

I'll take 200.

Cash. On delivery.

To Leeds? I need an export licence.

Well, remember what our Prime Minister said.

What, vote for me?

No export or die.

Billy, I'm working on a very narrow margin. The price does not include vans

Terry's wages while he's exploring north of Watford. I'll give you a tonne now

to cover Terry's excess.

The rest, on delivery.

Done? Yeah, I think I have been. All right.

I've got to dash.

Better see a man about some tired dogs.

Give us a bell when Terry's on his way, as long as it's before market day.

No problem, Billy.

Hello?

Hold on a moment, will you, please?

Hello?

Yes, it is Arthur Daly.

Yes, I did get your letters about my overdraft.

No, I'm not ignoring them.

I'm deeply preoccupied in trying to do what you asked. You said I've got to

reduce them.

Well, in fact, I'm in the middle of a business deal, right?

You've done what?

Do you realise the implications of bouncing my cheques?

My whole business empire is based on trust.

Yes, of course, I'll come over right away.

It'd be nice to see you too.

It'd be even nicer to be listened to for a change.

Lost your bearings, eh?

How do you mean?

I thought Pete and Thomas usually confined themselves to bedrooms and

I'm looking for Arthur Daly, my warrant.

Warrant?

Certificated bailiffs?

Do you know Arthur Daly?

Intimately, but not well.

He must be that guy that works for him, Terry McCann.

It must have been bouncing checks.

Rates bill, 1 ,300.

Water rates, 90. There are quite a few.

I've got a court order to remove goods in shattles for sale by public auction.

He's away on business at the moment.

Those dolls in there.

How much would they be worth?

Very good, Veronica.

Now, just pull in over to the side here, all right?

That's it. There you go.

Hold on.

Yeah, um, try and remember to indicate.

Sorry, Terry.

No, it's all right, it's all right, you're doing well.

Just remember, any fool can learn to drive. Trouble is, most of them do.

How am I doing?

That's terrific.

Well, I mean, we're still alive, aren't we?

Now, what was that for?

Being so patient.

Well, that would be very, very basic.

You should start your own teaching school.

Right, what's next?

Well, we could... No, right, no, what's next?

Emergency stop, all right? Now, when I do that, you've got to stop, all right?

I'm deeply concerned about this situation, Mr Davy.

Well, I'm as deeply concerned as you are, Mr Pierce.

We've been spending a great deal of our money recently.

I was under the impression I was spending my money.

Oh, no, Mr Denny, not so. You stopped spending your money nearly two months

since then you've been utilising your overdraft facility.

Currently, you're £7 ,000 above the agreed limit.

Oh, I wanted to talk to you about increasing the agreed limit.

Yes, but I'd like my customers to talk to me before acting as if I had already

agreed to their request.

Well, you're a very busy man. I didn't want to bother you.

Hey, Justin.

Oh, scrooge.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, it's all right. It wasn't your fault. No, no, no.

wasn't your fault. You all right? Yeah. You all right? Yeah. You stay there,

then. Just go and see what happened, all right?

Don't worry. Don't worry.

Lovely, isn't it?

Don't worry, Till. I saw everything. And I'll be an independent witness at the

trial. Public -spirited little Wally and me.

Well, you weren't even looking where you were going. You were far too close, and

you were speeding.

I'm not sure, but I think I just heard an unusually long suicide message.

I don't think he could have seen anything, do you, McCann?

No, not a thing. No, no, Mr. Rycock, no.

Terry, he just... Shut up.

I do have a number of excellent and highly lucrative business proposals in

pipeline. The profit potential should run into five figures.

How did you know I was going to say that?

Because that's what you said when I agreed your present overdraft limit.

We don't need something more tangible than that, Mr Daly.

And with the greatest respect, none of us getting any younger.

How true.

How very true.

You mean me?

It has to be a factor, you know.

If you are a younger man at the start of life's great adventure, I might be able

to take a more lenient view of the situation, but based on all the

data, at your age, you're a bad risk.

Yes?

Thank you.

Dear, oh, dear, Mr. Denning, not your lucky day, I'm afraid.

Apparently, your car has been given a ticket.

What?

Unusual, Dave.

You'd better stick half up for Terry, or you'll get thirsty going up the leads.

Hey, you're on the wrong side of the block.

Where's Dave?

Popped out.

That'd be £117.

What, been taken over by Harrods?

Stick it on my slate. No, that's what you already owe the slate. Ah, come on.

Ah, naughty, naughty.

I'm not at liberty to give you credit.

Terry, not you as well.

Thanks, Joe.

Oh, Arthur, what was that?

I tried to get him to pay his bar bill.

I think you might have overdone it.

Arthur, you're not crying, are you?

No, Dave.

I'm drained of all emotion.

Had a bad day, then. On a scale of one to ten, today is twelve.

You'd better have a recount.

Why? You know you wanted me to take them talking dolls up to billion leads.

He bought 200, cash on delivery.

Yeah, well, you've got more chance of getting them there if you put them on

north circular, press the little buttons and let them walk up the M1. What is

the matter with you?

It's not me. There's nothing the matter with me.

It's my motor.

Well, what's the matter with your motor?

What's... Hold on, hold on. Justin, come here, mate.

Tell him what's the matter with my motor.

Rear suspension almost ripped out. Right got hit him straight up the jacksie.

Just another example of police brutality, Arthur.

I'll get it fixed, but you're looking about two and a half.

250?

That's more than I pay for the car.

Hey, look, can't you see if you can get that van going?

We've got two small points here. Firstly, I'm not a mechanic.

And secondly, that van hasn't moved since we towed it into the car lot.

Arthur, the keys are over there in the corner. What's the word with you?

Who is it?

I don't know.

Hold up, he's inviting us over for a drink.

Come on, come on.

No, no, not you. Look, you go and find Arnie for us, will you? All right. Good

boy.

Terry, Terry, stick close with me. If he asks for money, hit him.

Mr Daly.

Mr... McCann.

My name is Guy Wheeler. Do sit down, won't you? Oh, thank you.

Large vodka and tonic at the Largo, isn't it?

Oh, very nice. Thank you. Well, I'll wait your service. Cheers.

Thank you. Have one for yourself, then, Lord.

Thank you, Congressman.

Mr. Daly, there's a business proposition I'd like to talk to you about.

Oh, yes?

What exactly have you got in mind?

Well, first, what about you and I having lunch at my club?

Oh, that'd be very nice.

No, you can't. No, no. Just take me out to lunch.

Um, Terry, please.

Mr Wheeler, I noticed you when I was at the bar, and I said, that is the sort of

gentleman I could do business with. Didn't I, Terry?

Did you?

Yes, Terry, when you've finished your drink, why don't you pop into our car

showrooms and give the engine of that van a tweak?

Tweak? Transplant, you mean, don't you? You are taking me out to lunch.

Terry, I did not get where I am today, and I'm sure Mr Wheeler didn't, by

worrying about our creature comforts.

Listen, you, I've unloaded five gross of those poxy dolls on the strength of you

standing me lunch.

Pray excuse me, Mr Wheeler.

Oh, tell him.

Tell him.

This is the first glimmer of sunshine I've had all day and you're trying to

it up. Look, my nose is never wrong and it smells money.

Yeah, well, mine wants to smell lunch.

And what's all this moody about give the van a tweak? I'm not your mechanic.

And you are not a businessman either. You do the van, I do the business.

And what about my lunch?

Dave, give him a couple of cheese rolls, will you?

Lashing out, as usual.

Tell, he won't come.

Why not?

I reckon it's half the steel I was in from the last job. All right, look, bum

those overalls, will you?

I didn't get where I am today worrying about creature comfort.

You know anything about these?

Yeah, you put your legs in there. No, not these. A van, you pillock.

Menu's on. Oh, thank you.

Nice place here.

Not bad, is it?

Drink all right?

Yes, yes, lovely.

I can recommend a filet mignon.

Look, don't think I'm probing, but what line of business are you in?

Much the same as yours.

Really?

Buying, selling, entrepreneurial activities.

Ah, I should have guessed.

Not what it was, is it?

Well, nothing is.

No. To be an entrepreneur these days, you've got to have wall -to -wall high

tech, sloppy discs.

I mean, all the big lads in the city now, they've got chains of laundries

constantly washing their foreign currencies.

I bet you've got a couple of laundries in your portfolio, eh?

Well, I'm not First Division, and mine are more laundrettes.

No,

I'm beginning to feel like an old banger on the highway of life.

Overtaken.

Not much room for a small man now.

I suppose it's progress.

No, no, if you want to see a really professional entrepreneur... Look at her

number ten.

A very clever woman.

Trevor? Bloody genius.

I mean, who else? Who else could have done what she's done?

I mean, she has sold the nation a whole host of things they already owned.

Gas, phones, oil, holes.

I mean, she can sell shares in holes.

Holes?

Well, what is this channel of? It's not hole in the ground.

All right.

That you, Justin?

I'll tell you what, mate. If I get this thing moving, it'll be the greatest

comeback since Lazarus.

My God.

The places people get into, they hide from me.

Who's that?

Terry McGann said I might find you here.

Do what?

Oi, where are you?

Don't try to make a run for it.

Make a run for it? What are you talking about? Who are you?

I am Baron McKenna, court bailiff.

I'm going to distrain goods to the value of 3 ,745 pounds.

Now then, Mr. Daly, which of these cars are your property?

And to follow, I'll have the fillet and mignon off the bone.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Tony?

I'm just about to cast my bread upon the waters. Thought I'd give you a final

check. The conditions look absolutely perfect, Guy.

I recommend that you proceed.

Good.

Well, he's as vulnerable now as he's ever going to be.

I recommend you go have a go, Guy.

No, you impress me.

Ever since we first met in the Winchester, you haven't once asked me

business proposition is.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.

True.

Very true.

Well, let's get it out of the way before lunch.

I want to buy you out.

Buy me out?

Some clients of mine would like to buy your car lot and your locker.

I've had an independent valuation made of the properties, and I think you'll

agree that my offer...

Based on that valuation.

Fairly generous.

Good to see you again so soon, Mr. Daly. And don't worry about a thing. I think

you've made a very wise decision.

Thank you, Mr. Pierce.

Congratulations, Guy. He took the bait beautifully.

Hook, line and sinker.

Excellent.

Oh,

Terry. I take it the van is ready for the run -up to Leeds to Billy?

You kidding?

That van's got about as much life in it as Queen Victoria.

Arnie won't come out until you're paying for the last job he did. The bailiffs

have been round looking for £4 ,000, and quite frankly, I've had it up to here.

Terence, my son, worry and fret no more.

I bring you tidings of great joy. Oh, yeah? What's that?

My retirement, Terry.

My retirement.

Here. Well, perhaps next time you'll concentrate on the road instead of the

crumpet. Will I?

Anyway, I have the consolation of knowing that the form filling for this

lot will fill up your next two days off.

Got a little trouble, have we?

No. We're playing hunt the femble.

Hello. You going into court today, are you?

No, no. I've got the rest of the day off.

Clean desk.

Empty entry.

No outstanding queries.

You love yourself, don't you, Taffy?

I'll bet if he was a chocolate, you'd eat yourself.

Such wit you have.

Such a wit.

Don't work too hard, no?

Do you know what is stopping your promotion, Mellish?

Oh, I wish I knew, Gus.

I've sat the sergeant's exam five times.

What is stopping your promotion is your failure to mix with the right sort of

people.

When did you last roll your trouser legs up?

Well, two years ago, Gough.

A day trip to Brighton.

Exactly.

Mr. McCann?

William Pearce.

Do come this way.

I don't think we've met before. Are you new to the area?

No, no, no. I've lived here all my life. Really?

Do sit down, Mr. McCann.

So, how can I help you?

Well, I need to arrange a loan.

We've certainly come to the right place.

How much did you have in mind?

£50 ,000.

You'll be opening an account with us, of course. Now, how much will your initial

deposit be?

No, you don't seem to understand. I don't want to put any in.

I want to take £50 ,000 out.

I just need an overdraft, that's all.

First things first.

When you've opened an account, we'll assess how much we can loan you.

Based upon your assets, house, income, that sort of thing.

Well, all right, then, if it's absolutely necessary, I'll open an

first I need the overdraft.

Well, let's establish a few facts. How much do you earn?

Well, on a good week, 150, 200 pounds.

Are you seriously asking me to loan you 50 ,000 pounds when you only earn 150

pounds a week?

Well, yeah.

What assets do you own?

House shares?

Shares? Me? No, no, I haven't got any of those, no.

Well, I've got my flat.

Well, it's rented.

The trouble is, it's all against you, isn't it?

Particularly your age.

My age?

Well, if you were an older man well on the way in life's great adventure, I

might be able to take a more relaxed view, but you're young and that makes

bad risk.

No, no, but I've got prospects, you see.

Now, if you give me the dough, the money, I can buy out the man I work for.

retiring. What's his line of business?

Well, he's got a car lot and a lock -up.

A car lot and a lock -up?

Yeah, I've got very big plans for them.

Would your employer be a well -known local entrepreneur?

Yeah, I've heard him called that, yeah.

Among other things.

All right?

All right, lads?

Dave!

I was advised by Terry this morning that my bar bill stood at 117 quid. Is that

correct?

Yeah, plus the two large VATs or the two cheese rolls.

Take it out of there.

And while you're at it, my usual, drink a little Justine here, drink for the

boys over there, and you have one yourself.

No, no, no, no, Dave.

Mine's a large vodka.

It's all right, Arthur.

This one's for me.

Are you sure you're all right, Arthur?

I mean, you don't look bronze.

I should like to formally announce that I am going to retire.

And you just got here.

I am relinquishing my throne, Justine.

I am abandoning the international infrastructure that has been my life's

You've had an offer for the lock -up, then?

Not only the lock -up, Dave.

Carlott and all. Lock, stock and barrel.

Go on, Benny.

No, no, no. Guy Wheeler.

Viva España.

All right. You're going to retire to the cost of packet, then?

Her indoors has let it be known that she would like us to spend the late summer

of our life on the sunny side of the strata.

She's fallen in love with the English culture and the Spanish cuisine out

They can do things with two sausage, egg and chips that has to be seen to be

believed. Well, property is certainly cheap.

Yeah, but what are you going to do for mates?

Well, I understand there's some of my old friends out there, former British

entrepreneurs.

So what's this guy, Wheeler, got planned for your property, he said?

That's not the reason why.

Ours is about to flog and fly.

Have I been flogged at all, Arthur?

Terence, my son.

Oh, look at him. He must be going to a function. Dave, give him a drink.

Yeah, I'll have a quadruple gin and tonic in a straight glass.

So, has this ponce wheeler bought me at all?

Of course not.

I did have a word with him about you. I mean, would I forget you, Terry?

Well, what did he say?

Um, well, he said he's not in the market for a mature minder.

Do what?

Well, he said you're too old.

Well, in that case, you'll be making Terry redundant.

Yeah, in that case, I suppose I am.

Well, then he'll be doing some redundancy pay, won't he?

Don't fret, Justine. I'll look after him, don't worry.

No, no, no, I want a figure.

Stated now publicly in front of witnesses.

Made payable on the day you complete the deal. So how much, Arthur? Eh?

What's it worth, all those years of aggravation? The right hand as a cop for

you. The bird I did for you.

It all mounts up, Arthur, so how much? Come on, how much?

Yeah, it's difficult to calculate all that up, you know. That's all right,

help you.

Look, the fairest way seems to be to give Terry a percentage of the purchase

price, right? How much is Wheeler paying you?

Well, Arthur told me it was 50 grand, didn't you, Arthur?

Well, then, 10 % of the purchase price seems reasonable.

It may sound reasonable to you, Justine, but you're being very cavalier with my

retirement pension.

Er, Terry, how about 2 %?

Of the purchase price?

That's ridiculous, Tell.

Justine. Shut up.

Is it a deal, Terry?

So it's 2 % of the purchase price, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that'll do nicely, thank you.

Terry, that's only a grand.

Justin, if you care for your continued health, keep out of this.

No, it's all right, Arthur. Don't worry, Justin.

Everybody's just heard Arthur agree to pay me five grand.

Five grand?

Yeah, 2 % of the purchase price.

I just discovered that Guy Wheeler is paying you £250 ,000.

And five grand of that is mine.

Yeah, all right, Terry. You have my word.

No, I'm going to have more than that.

I'm going to stick to you like superglue.

At the planning committee meeting tomorrow morning, I shall recommend

of the application.

With, of course, one very important amendment.

Of course.

And then I shall lose the deal.

Look, I'm not going to do a runner while you're up in Leeds.

Correction, you're not going to do a runner because I'm not going to be up in

Leeds. All I'm asking is one last favour. No.

Is this what I get for looking after you all these years? No, this is what you

get for the way you looked after me all these years.

What price loyalty?

What price integrity?

Five grand.

There's more to life than money, you know.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, keep in one's word.

There is a little man waiting patiently in Leeds for me to keep my word.

He's going to have to wait and bleed a long time, then, isn't he? Listen, if

you're so bothered... Why don't you take them up yourself?

Because I've got to stay here and sign contracts.

The phone's ringing.

Hello? Hello,

Billy. Oh, we were just talking about you. How are you?

No, no, no, we're not having a party here.

Just a second, Terry, turn that thing off.

Yeah, yeah, Billy, look, look, I know time is knocking on, but hang on a

will you?

Knock it off, Terry.

Billy, leave it to me. No expense will be spared. OK. Bye -bye.

You are Terry McCann.

And you've been taking the mickey.

Perhaps I could pour a little oil on troubled waters.

There has been an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Exactly. And you have now instructed your bank to pay the full amount owing

the various bills.

Precisely. And if I care to check with the court, I will find that all the

have been paid.

Oh, definitely.

In view of the fact that your previous check bounced, you'll need to pay cash.

In the meantime, I am taking walking possession of your car lot and its

contents, this lock -up and its contents, and your car outside.

Any other car I see you driving will be automatically impounded.

Until I'm advised by the court that you have paid all outstanding bills and all

outstanding charges, all of this is mine.

So don't go mutilating any more of the stock.

Those dolls are not my property. They belong to Billy from Leeds.

Show me the paperwork and I'll release them.

Don't stand there grinning. Do something.

From what I hear, you've been putting it about that I'm Arthur Daly.

Everything here has been phoned in for seven days, at which point I shall

the situation.

At which point, you great Arbroath Smokey, I'll be long gone from this

metropolis.

And at which time, you can take them dolls and shove them up your pea brush.

Derek, come on in.

Oh, thank you, George, for such a lucid analysis.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all agreed that this is a most

exciting development, one with enormous potential for the borough.

A supermarket complex set in a modern shopping plaza would be profoundly

beneficial.

Subject, of course, to the supermarket chain accepting our one small

reservation. Thank you, Veronica.

That is an additional access point for the public in this area.

I understand that at the moment it's occupied by some old lock -up.

Well... Shall we take a formal vote this time on the application for outline

planning permission?

Red, red and amber, green, amber, red. Got it?

Where do you come from?

Well, my mummy said it was a stork, but I don't really believe her.

It's true what they say about local councils, isn't it? Were they all broken

for coffee?

No, they're all in the council chambers.

There's a big planning meeting.

Oh.

Now, what would you say if you and I had our own planning meeting later on, eh?

What will we be planning?

Well, tonight's forthcoming attractions.

Sound good?

All right, I'll give you a ring later.

Don't you want a coffee or anything?

No, I can't. Arthur's waiting. I'll see you later. OK, see you later.

Are you sure you know what you're doing here? Yeah, of course.

Come on.

Better frame that.

That was a tenner.

Listen, if that big Scotchman thinks I'm going to be reduced to jostling with a

common herd on buses, he's mistaken.

You're talking about a lot of money with these, sunshine.

Good morning, sir.

Just a minute.

Never mind that. What about the dolls and Billy? No, no, no. I told you. Lolly

before dolly.

You'd fetch the manager, would you? Tell him I'm trade, I'm paying cash, and I

expect at least 15 % discount, and I'd like one of these in white delivered to

my villa on the Costa Brava within one month.

Yes, sir.

Are you going to toot around my bar in one of these?

Well, not for long, no, but getting it here and having it shipped out, there's

no VAT.

After about a month, this will be a nice little earner.

Yes, I like that one.

So would I.

I'll leave a deposit.

Early indoors will come in later to try it on for size.

Do what?

Well, come in handy for when it rains.

In Spain?

Well, yeah, it do rain in Spain.

Where?

Mainly in the plain.

Good on you to shout me lunch, Arthur.

At least I can do, Andrew.

After the way you've looked after my financial affairs all these years.

Any particular reason for this unexpected pleasure?

Yes, I think all the loyal members of my organisation should be suitably

rewarded as her indoors and me sailing to the sunset.

He's retiring to Spain.

Retiring?

What's that?

There's your tax bill.

Don't worry, Andrew. I've sold the car lot and the lock -up. There'll be plenty

of money to take care of them little odds and ends.

Can I tell you about these little odds and ends?

By all means.

If you sell these properties, you will be liable to capital gains tax on all

money derived from the sale at 40%. Then there's failure to submit tax returns.

I've been busy.

Well, for the past six years.

Look, you may recall that the Inland Revenue raised an estimated assessment

those years. It was for £50 ,000.

I've been paying it off.

Oh, yes.

At the rate of £200 a year.

And you only paid that for one year.

So, they are invoking a stiff penalty clause and claiming interest on the

assessed amount.

Look, Andrew, I'm a simple man.

When all that has been paid off...

How much will I have left to retire on?

How much are you selling the properties for?

£250 ,000.

£250 ,000.

£5 ,000.

And that's mine.

It's a good job you told me all about this before you exchanged contracts.

He exchanged contracts an hour ago.

Gentlemen, I have exchanged contracts with Arthur Daly.

So, we're now the proud owners of a disgusting little car lot and a grotty

little knock -up, which we will shortly sell to a certain supermarket chain for

at least three times what we paid for it.

I think the least we can do is raise our glasses in a toast to our benefactor.

To Arthur Daly.

Now, let me just review the situation to ensure there is no misunderstanding.

Thank you, Maureen.

Having agreed to sell your property to Guy Wheeler for the sum of £250 ,000,

acting on your instructions earlier today, exchanged contracts.

Subsequently, after discussion with your accountant, you have concluded that

such a sale would not be in your best interest.

It would be disastrous.

And I've had to break the contract, cancel the sale and retain ownership of

car lot and the lock -up.

Well, I don't see any great problem here, Mr Daly.

You don't?

No. In normal circumstances, of course, the purchaser would go to court for an

order of specific performance, but I think you'll find here we're all right.

Thank God for that.

I don't mind admitting I was a bit worried for a while.

Now, are you saying you can cancel the sale for him?

I can't tell you what a relief that is.

But what about her indoors in the Costa?

Another day.

I thought it was too good to be true.

There will be some expense, of course.

Of course. Send a bill to Andrew. No, I don't mean our bill. I was referring to

the clause that was inserted in the event that you broke the contract.

Clause? What clause?

I shall have to return the deposit, of course.

Ten percent of the purchase price.

And you are then liable for £25 ,000 to Mr Wheeler for breaking the contract.

Are you saying I've got to pay him £25 ,000?

To keep something I already own?

Exactly.

One red T -Reg Honda Civic, 23 ,000 miles, one owner and none.

Got that, Ginger?

Right, how much?

Oh, come on, Ginger, it's a matter of life and death.

Right.

An R -Reg Volvo 3 -4DL.

A snip of 485, once owned by the Bishop of Tottenham.

All right, Ginger?

Look, Ginger, I specialise in buying vehicles from the religious orders.

Hey, Terry, where's that merc the Cardinal brought in?

No, no, Mr Patel, this is strictly cash. No cheques, no plastic, just money.

Right, Terry, what's next?

Vote for Neil Kinnock Mugs.

Too gross.

Pristine condition.

No, no, no. Take the long view, Imran. There's bound to be another election one

day. Right, what's next?

Charles and Di shaving mirrors.

A monkey.

Oh, 500.

It'll be worth a fortune when he becomes king.

Two pound a go.

About three pounds a time.

Sold to the man with... I'll ring you back, Imran.

I've just turfed a certain ginger wire off of my car lot.

Your car lot? It's my car lot, and I'm going to fight to keep it that way.

No, it's mine, until you pay the amount owing any summonses.

I thought you might ignore that fact and start moving my goods and chattels.

Hold on, look.

He's trying to raise the dough to pay off his debts right now. How's he

to do that if you won't let him sell his gear?

That's his problem.

I've changed the locks of the car lot.

I must ask you to vacate these premises so that I can change the locks here.

Oh, come on, jock, have a heart. Yeah, come on, be reasonable.

The last time we met, you were telling me to stuff your talking dolls up my pee

brush. Now you want me to be reasonable. I'm not paid to be reasonable.

Look, you've impounded my car, you won't let me sell off any of my stock, and

now you want to lock me out of my lock -up.

Haven't you had a good day at the office?

We are merely doing our job.

There are however mitigating circumstances I'm allowed to take into

consideration. Well, like what? If you're elderly or suffering from a

illness, my office will view your case sympathetically.

Why didn't I think of that before?

It's silly, really. I should have come to you in the first place.

Last time I was here, you said if I needed funding in the short term, you'd

happy to oblige. Indeed I did.

Now, with regard to those court orders, unfortunately, they won't accept payment

by cheque.

No, that's because you bounced the last one.

Why?

Do sit down, Mr Denning. Thank you.

Now, the sum is £2 ,300 .70. I think we can advance you there in cash.

Um...

I think I should explain something.

Hmm?

What's the problem, Bill?

Daly wants to do what?

He's already exchanged.

And are you going to lend him 25 ,000 so he can tell us to get stuffed?

Good.

Look, I'll contact Guy. Can he be here at five o 'clock?

Right.

Terry?

Well, it seems like Daly's well and truly in it, I grant you. But you

really expect me to break down and cry at that, would you? Now, hold on, Tappy.

I'm not asking you to put on a charity concert for him.

Arthur's been fixed before, but this is different.

Why?

I'm no grasswipe, so don't ask me how I found this out, but there's a bloke who

works at the council offices. He's called Davis.

He works for the planning department.

Seems to me he's taken a very unhealthy interest in Arthur's affairs.

Oh? In what way? Well...

Like chatting to his bank manager and making sure that the bank doesn't lend

Arthur the 25 grand he needs.

Did he know? Yeah, he did. And this bloke who's buying Arthur out is

be absolutely shrewd, right? So?

Well, if he's so shrewd, how come he's willing to pay a fortune for something

that's not worth a fraction of the price? Now, why would Guy Wheeler do

I reckon he found out about Arthur's place at one of those Freemasons' knees

Why do you say that?

Well, Davis is a mason who keeps his little black case at the office.

I reckon Wheeler's one of the brotherhood and all.

Where you been?

I've been waiting ages.

I had to feed someone.

How'd you get on?

Well, I was doing all right till I told him I'd changed my mind about selling.

And you seemed to upset him.

Froze me bank account again.

Oh, God.

Any messages at the Winchester?

Oh, yeah, Billy from Leeds rang twice.

He's getting anxious about the shortage of dolls in Yorkshire.

I wish that was my only problem.

Well, you got any more bright ideas?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I have.

Taxi!

Taxi!

They can't all know.

Come on. They'll have to make the supreme sacrifice.

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

What's it got to do with you?

You're just driving a bus. I deal with a conductor.

Your pass.

What's he talking about, Terry?

He wants your pass.

What pass?

Your senior citizen's bus pass.

How dare you?

There you go, I'll have 240.

Sorry about that.

Don't worry, mate. We get them like your dad all the time.

Must be a terrible problem for you.

Yeah, well, I'll do my best to cope.

I'll check his flies.

Pardon? Check his flies.

We're getting him in all sorts of conditions on here.

You look very wobbly.

You'd better sit down.

I'm beginning to feel like your runner.

Any messages?

Well, apart from Billy from Leeds.

OK. Yeah, I can.

Oh, and the missus, phone Dave.

Who?

Fur indoors.

Oh. What for?

She phoned from that fur shop.

You know that cheque you left as a deposit?

Ding, ding, ding.

How long do they keep you waiting here?

The DHSS.

People have been known to die waiting in here.

I think that one has.

Daly. Now, which of you is Arthur Daly?

I am.

Who is this?

This is my personal assistant, who is here to personally assist him.

There are chairs.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr Daly?

I'm planning early retirement. I'd like to apply for my government golden

handshake.

You wish to retire?

Yes, with the appropriate remuneration, yes.

I find the papers in your file fascinating.

Thank you.

Yes, according to these notes, you owe us quite a bit. Your last national

insurance payments were made in 1957.

Well, I have been preoccupied helping Britain with the export drive.

Glad to hear it.

Have you studied...

Form NI48, dealing with unpaid and late contributions.

No, not lately, no.

Here you are.

I think you should also read this one on industrial injuries.

And this one that covers mental breakdown.

And there are these other various leaflets and booklets you should have a

at.

Well, no doubt I'll read these in the fullness of time, but meanwhile, could

tell me what sort of lump sum I could expect to receive?

Based on the information before me, I think I am safe in saying that you

probably can't afford to retire.

But you certainly can't afford to die.

If you were ever offered the job as a getaway driver, turn it down.

Are you sure this is on the up and up, Arthur?

Justine, would I con you?

No, Terry's gone off somewhere with the only set of keys.

Come on, open it up.

Good boy.

Now, let's get $200 on board.

Billy from Leeds will give you an envelope for me.

Bring it straight back and I'll give you some wages.

Oh, they sound a bit close, don't they?

Hello. What have we here?

If it isn't the boy Wonder.

Shopping early for Christmas, are we?

No, just doing half a daily a favour.

Oh, did you hear that, Mellish?

He's doing daily a favour.

Breaking and entering and stealing.

Looks like three favours to me, Gav.

Oh, well, come sort these two out, will you?

He talks to himself as well.

Probably on some drug.

Arthur! Are you going to come down the station without any fuss, or are you

going to make my day?

Look, I told you, I'm just doing a favour for Arthur.

My son, Her Majesty's prisons are full of people who were just doing somebody a

favour.

Take him away, Mellish!

What's right?

Do it.

Dear old Laura, I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?

Well, let's hurry.

Just wanted to get the dollies up to Billy.

Help raise a few quid towards the 25 ,000 I've got to raise.

All right, I'll give in.

Come on, help me load this lot onto Justin's van.

And I'll drive them up to Leeds for you, all right?

We haven't had a chance to talk properly.

I've been a guest of yours at the last two meetings.

How do you do?

I'm... Don't tell me.

You're Guy Wheeler, and you're a property developer.

And Tony Davies, you're a planning officer at the local council.

And what about me, then?

Oh, you're William Pearce.

You're a bank manager.

Very good.

Do you do card tricks as well? I haven't finished yet.

There's something else I know about you three.

You're all bent.

Bent?

Don't get excited.

Just thank your lucky staff that you're all members of this lodge.

Now, the last thing I want is the Freemasonry being dragged through the

I know what you've been up to.

And I think it's time we had a little chat.

No dogs. No dogs.

Please, dogs.

I'll kill him.

Oh, I'll kill you, Arthur.

Thank you.

Ah, Mr Daly. The other faithful Mr McCann.

You said on the phone there'd been some development.

Is Wheeler going to sue me for breach of contract?

He's pulled out.

He's broken the contract, called off the purchase.

So that means I don't have to find the 25 ,000?

On the contrary.

It's up to two ways, you know. I do mean that Arthur keeps his properties and

the 25 grand deposit.

Yes, I do.

I understand Wheeler has been strongly advised to take this course of action by

his business colleagues.

Oh, nice one, Jonesy.

No, Muir's the name.

I'll let you know when we receive the money.

Yeah, you do that, sunshine.

Our

agreement

was 2 % of the purchase price. I haven't sold the property.

Well, what does that 25 grand you copped count as? Well, that sort of act of

God. Cobblers.

If I hadn't got on to Jones, you'd still be running around like headless

chicken, trying to fave your properties.

Oh, God.

That's another thing. Put me in a very awkward situation with Jones.

What are you on about now? I owe him a favour.

No, more than a favour. He should be on an earner for this.

You suggested I should pay money to a policeman?

You lost leave of your senses or something?

No, no, and where it might end if you wanted to buy me drinks and all that

Yeah, well, never mind about all that. Let's get back to how much you owe me.

The phone's ringing. No, come on. How much? Look, technically speaking... Oh,

don't give me all that. How much?

A thousand.

All right, it's a deal. Shake on it. I am shaking and the phone's ringing.

Hello, Billy.

Told you I wouldn't let you down, didn't I? Must be joking.

Oh, steady, steady, Billy.

What are you talking about?

Hang on a minute, Terry. Get one of them dolls down, will you?

Calm down, Billy, calm down.

What's the idea, then? You've probably got a rogue doll.

Well, you know, like a Friday car.

Somebody's like fine wine, you know, they don't always travel.

Still playing with the merchandise, I see.

Now, don't tell me you're about to pay your debts.

I'm a patient man, but enough is enough.

I'm confiscating this entire stock of dolls.

They'll be sold, and the money's used to settle your debts.

Um, if you like, I could get you another couple of hundred from Leeds.

I belong to Glasgow Little Glasgow

town

There's something about a Glasgow cause that's going round and round.

Thank you.