Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

No, just leave me out. I'm not touching. Look, Terry, that little man has got

steel pins in his knees.

And I've got a dodgy back.

Listen, I'm not risking my liberty again for you. Terry, I give you my word, as

a Rotarian, as a free marketeer, as a gentleman, that this is a

kosher transaction.

You must have me marked down as a right prune.

I don't know.

You pluck someone out of the gutter.

Restore their dignity and confidence.

Put envies that learn as their way.

Treat them like your own flesh and blood.

What happens?

What happened, Terry?

Now, remember, I'm looking for a smart two grand result from that lot.

Stand on me, Antler.

I might just have to get Terry to do that if I look for my wedge and don't

it. I wouldn't turn you over, would I, Arthur?

Now, look, on everything I hold sacred, you'll see your way to Tuesday, like we

said.

Now, uh, what about that little favor you was going to do for me?

On the strict understanding that this does not go straight into your bin.

Would I rob the church, Arthur?

You'll be rewarded in heaven.

No. What's all this?

We'll open it up and see, won't we?

Listen, are you absolutely positive you can trust this fence?

Larchlap Riley is not a fence. He is an outlet.

All right, I'll rephrase it.

Listen, are you absolutely certain you can trust this outlet?

Terry, if you'd asked me that question a few months back, I'd have said

definitely no. The man was an invertebrate gambler.

I'd have bet a pound or a penny he'd have blown anyone's result on the GGs.

So how do you know he ain't going to blow it on the GG now?

Because he joined Gamblers Anonymous, hasn't he?

And because Devler, his missus, made him swear on a good book that he would

never enter a betting shop or a racetrack again. And because everyone on

manor says he is a totally reformed character.

Hew it and stick it across the can, right?

I feel it in me water, matey.

The doggies is going to make me a pack of tonight.

Yes, he was very unreliable in the past, but when a man swears on a good book,

Terry, you can't argue with that.

What is all this stuff? God dear, that's an half pen and ink.

Was it supposed to be aftershave or something?

Aftershave? That is holy water.

Holy water? Holy water.

I did Larchie a favour for a donation to his favourite charity.

It's all left over from the Pope's visit, you know.

What, fall off the back of a Popemobile, did it?

Not even in jest, Terry.

Not even in jest.

I didn't know you were religious. I thought you were more into rabbit's

Don't have to mock, Terence.

I believe in the power of prayer, as does her indoors.

How come I've never seen you rushing down to church for a quick pray on a

Sunday, then?

Because you have never seen me on a Sunday.

That's true as it happens, isn't it? Just because I'm not always popping in

out of church doesn't mean I don't worship in my own way. Yeah, the great

Wonga.

So when did you suddenly get this...

Faith in human kindness. I mean, where did all that spring from? Judge not lest

ye be judged.

Be ye ever so sceptical... There's no place like home. Terry, do not let the

milk of human kindness curdle in your veins and always give your fellow man

benefit of the doubt.

That is my code.

Hello, Stilt.

What a nice surprise.

What are you... Hold on, what's that?

Is that Thiebaud's handiwork?

Sorry, Terry.

I didn't want to dump myself on you like this, but I couldn't think of anywhere

else to go, what with Dad being ill and if Stephen... Oh, hold on, hold on.

It's all right, it's all right.

It's all right.

Obliged me with my usual, please, Dad? Of course, sir, of course.

Here, I don't suppose you've seen no laugh slap on a man or a talk today,

you?

That depends.

Why? It's just that them gentlemen over there, they're very anxious to have a

word with him.

All of them?

They're not... Oh, no, no. Not as far as I know, anyway.

No, I think they are just regular creditors.

What's looking for a result from him?

What?

Oh, my God.

Put the kettle on.

Come on, sit down, sit down.

Here.

There you go, old butcher's trick.

Now, this might make you jump a bit.

All right.

Here you go.

And just hold that there.

OK.

Does Steve know you're here?

No, don't worry, Terry. No, I'm not worried.

I'm not affronting anything for you, Sylvia, you know that.

Terry, you know, he never used to be like this.

I think he got put inside that time.

He can't seem to settle to nothing.

He's dead mean.

I only have to look at him and... Yeah, well, Bird never changed anyone for the

better, that's for sure.

Nevertheless, he's well out of order and I'm going to tell him when I see him

and all.

I've been out boozing all night.

I had a go at him about housekeeping.

I mean, I was down to my last... Anyway, I couldn't stand it no more.

I didn't mean to hit him so hard.

But he always says that.

I just picked up the kids and did a runner when he went for a lie down.

Funny, isn't it, Terry?

You start out together all young and fresh and full of beans.

And you wake up one day and it's all gone wrong.

Oh, Terry, you know how good it was between us.

I loved him so much.

I thought he was the only man in the world for me.

Yeah, I'll remember.

That's why I left you to it. Do you remember that as well?

Anyway.

Come on, have some of that.

And for as long as you and the kids need it, this gap is yours. You just

remember that, all right?

I'm listening.

Oh,

the baby.

She won't feed him.

Well, the baby's eight.

I think of Nick Bell.

Hello.

Yeah.

Well, what's the matter of great urgency? What's the matter and what's

urgency? It's something I meant to talk to you about earlier.

I can't divulge you the nature of it on the dog, but be a nice little earner in

it for you, Terry.

Yeah, all right, all right. I'll be there as soon as I can, OK?

I'll see you later.

Listen, I've got to shoot out for a bit. Is that all right? Yes. I mean, you'll

be all right by yourself, won't you? Yeah. Good.

Are you all right? All right, Wazzle?

Uh, excuse me.

Do you know a bloke known as Larchlap Riley?

About this high?

What do you think? He should be a jockey.

No, no. How about you? Sorry.

How about me what?

Know a bloke known as Larchlap Riley?

No, don't ring a bell, does it?

It's not the sort of handle you forget either, is it?

Half a lager? Yeah, half a lager, cheers.

Old Bill.

Who can tell these days, Terry? Who can tell? He's not local, anyway.

That one's on me, Dev.

Two large body, two large whiskey, and my usual.

Oh, and yourself, by the way. Thanks very much. Hello, Arthur. How's Tick's?

No idea, Tick -Tack. I'm an entrepreneur, not a member of the Magic

Tick -Tack, have you seen our large lamp on the manor?

On the manor? No.

Kempton Park, the day before yesterday.

Yes. You sure it was him?

100%. He's into me for a pony. He's stuck on that mare that went lame in the

230.

Give us a minute.

Dorothy's dancer.

Why? Oh, nothing. It's just that I'm haunted by Jesus. What's looking for

Oh, and that pony's not all he's into me for, by the way. You told me he was a

totally reformed character. You said he joined Gambler's Anonymous. So he did.

So what's all this about Kempton Park and lame mares if he's so reformed?

Exactly. Terry, you have my permission to get very wound up about that piece of

blatant disinformation. He must have laughed.

Look, he's into me for two grand, Dave.

I've arranged a meet on Tuesday for Terry to pick it up.

Hold on, hold on. That's the first I've heard about it.

Listen, I've told you I don't want anything to do with those hooky

Terry, are you trying to be a bit discreet?

That's why I was on the dog to you. I didn't get around to it. There's 200

in it for you. Well, you can stuff your 200 sobs. I'm not having anything to do

with it. Terry, those microwaves are not hooky. Oh.

Like large is not a fence but an outlet, and I was not born yesterday.

Terry.

No, no, look, you're trying to stick me into this meet so you can keep your

grubby little paws clean.

And if the old Bill do get the wind direction of those microwaves, it's

look like I did the dirty deed and there'll be no proof I didn't. Terry,

me a little quick. You really did.

Oh, Shane. I was going to go to that meet myself. I suddenly remembered I had

function to attend with her indoors on Tuesday.

Have you? Yeah.

Oh.

I'll tell you what. What?

You go to the meet.

I'll go to the function.

Oh, Terry, don't be silly.

Hello.

Dave,

if Larchie blows my result on a neddy, that is down to you.

Lifelong confidant you may be, but in my book you'll be probable. Arthur, ain't

you being just a bit hasty?

I mean, just because old Larchie's back in the gee -gees again don't mean to say

he's going to stitch you up.

Wait till the meet on Tuesday.

Give the poor little geezer the benefit of the doubt.

Poor little geezer.

Little he might be, poor he certainly isn't. The boy's a first -class knocker,

owes everybody in the manor. And I want to be first in the queue to break his

wee leggies as soon as I get my 800 solved, that is.

You say 800?

Yeah.

Roger? Hello.

I'm with Sproggs.

Sound asleep? Yeah, good.

I've got us a little nightcap.

Don't seem fair us having your bed.

Listen, I've kicked on that couch more times than you've had at dinners.

I'm never going back to Steve -O, Terry.

I made up my mind.

I had a good think while you were out.

I'm making a new start.

I'll have a look for a job.

Get a bedsit to start with.

What about the kids?

Oh, I don't know.

Or a nursery or... A child minder, I suppose.

No, that's no good, is it?

Stuck with strangers all day and then cooped up in some potsy little flat all

night now.

That'll go back to Steve -O.

And I'm skint, Terry.

I suppose I could give Dad a ring.

Ask him if he could see me right till I get on my feet again.

No, don't do that. Not yet.

You don't understand, love. I come away with nothing.

No cash or cot, not even a change of clothes for the kids.

Now think about it.

I mean, what's your dad like to have, eh? After years on the buses?

A retirement pot, that's all.

No, I can help you.

Honestly, no problem.

I've got more wedge than I know what to do with at the moment.

It would have to be a loan, though, Terry.

Yeah, all right. If you want to call it a loan, call it a loan.

Cheers.

See you at the door, sir.

What's all this about?

What?

What's all this about?

What have you come at?

That was the worst day's work I've ever done, Terry.

Well, buying that shirt? No, buying her indoors that washing machine.

Oh, lobbing everything in, is she?

Everything, bar the wallpaper.

Listen, listen, you, um... I've changed my mind about that meeting with Largie.

Am I hearing right?

Well, I mean, you can't go, can you? I mean, you've got to go to a function

her indoors, so... Well, all you've got to do is advance me the 200 sods...

Advance? Yeah.

I'm right. I'm not hearing right. Why, come here, you. Listen, look at my

jacket. What's the matter with you? All right, right?

I've got codgy tape on it.

That's right.

You have a nice codgy tape.

I mean, after all, those microwaves are kosher, aren't they?

I mean, the old people would look really stupid if someone were to tip them the

wing, wouldn't they?

Terry, this is extortion.

No, Arthur.

This is blackmail.

He's a crank, that one. You know that, don't you?

Give us the bag, Steve. Hold on.

Look at that.

Regular Rolls Royce now, isn't it?

You shouldn't have, Terry.

Don't be silly.

I'm not in full of colours.

Oh, you look the business, don't you, Steve? Come on, come on.

She's there.

Oh, that's it.

Terry!

Come on, Terry!

No, I can't play any more, mate. I've got to go and do some business.

You'll be all right, won't you? Yeah, sure.

All right.

Ta -ta. Bye.

You look after Mum now, all right?

See you later.

Go on, go and get that.

Good. There he is.

Behind you.

Half a logger, please.

This is me, and I'm not here.

And even if I was, I wouldn't be able to talk to you because I haven't paid the

phone bill.

If you leave her name and phone number, I'll write to you.

Please speak after you hear the tone.

What time is it, mate?

An hour ago.

She knows a wild colonial boy. About who?

She'd strangle her.

Large B -A -T.

Right. See, I can't hang around because I've got to go and see Arthur down the

lock -up.

He had to go to a function with her indoors, you know. That's why he

and meet Larchie.

Arthur!

There you are, you little rascal.

So, function cancelled, was it?

No, she came over all unusual. That bionicle washing powder.

Rash.

Don't flash it around in here.

Give it to me after in the motor.

Just tip me the nod, you know?

What,

the... Yeah. The nod, you mean? Yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Well?

Your outlet didn't show up.

What? And over my 200 sobs. Leave it out.

I did my part of the bargain, didn't I? Yeah, but you didn't get my money,

Terry. No, but I turned up. He didn't.

An intelligent ferret could have turned up.

All right, all right.

You'll just have to motor over to Arnslow and front him for it.

Mame him, torture him. Tell him I demand satisfaction.

Arthur, have you gone mutton? Look, I said I turned up. He didn't.

If you want him maimed and tortured, go and do it yourself.

Dave, would you like to come over to Larch's Drum in Arnslow with me? Be a

trip out for you.

Not if it means coming face to face with his old woman, Devler.

No, Arthur.

Devler. I'm not scared of Devler. Well, forget it, forget it.

I'll ask Tick -Tack to go with me.

Looks like you're going to have to front Devler all on your own, doesn't it?

Bye.

Bye.

Tick -Tick, right back to the ward, eh, Arthur?

What are you doing here?

I'm after a result here. I told you he owed me more than a pony, didn't I? Just

lots after the same thing.

We've been comparing notes, Arthur. We reckon between us he owes us 13 ,000

quid.

You after a wee result from him yourself, Arthur?

No, no, no, no. It's just a social call.

You must have a slate missing.

Is he in there?

Yeah. Can you see him?

No. Is she in there?

Devlin? Yeah.

Do you see her?

I don't want to see her.

I don't know.

Oh, see, so you're just all out, you know, to dodge out? I mean, he's got to

come out sometime, hasn't he?

Don't know, Arthur. Some of the boys have been here since early this morning.

Still no joy.

Well, anyone thought of approaching the front door?

Nope.

But you are, aren't you?

No. Have I an helicopter?

Going to stick the flowers down the chimney?

The SAS has got in, boys.

And I'm calling for volunteers to come with me.

That is pathetic.

What about all them great British battles?

Battle of Trafalgar, Siege of Mafeking.

Little Clippy Richard winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

What has happened to the bulldog breed spirit of men, eh?

Oh, well,

Scotland the brave, tic -tac. Looks like it's just you and me.

Oh, don't look at me, Arthur. I'm a simple tic -tac man. I'm not a member of

Magic Circle.

You have two seconds to say what you have

to say before I feed you to the Rottweiler in a buzzy.

The top of a very salubrious afternoon to you, Mrs Riley.

A small token of the affection and esteem in which I hold you in.

I wonder, would it be possible to speak to Mr. Riley?

About what?

Well, you see, he owes me some money.

No. Might I inquire why not?

Because he's a thick man, and I say not.

Now, look here, my good woman.

He's never thick.

He's just a ploy to stop me getting my result.

This is Arthur Daly.

I shall return tomorrow with reinforcements.

What do you want, Terry?

Look.

Look what you've done.

Oh, dear. Who's that? Her indoors?

Oh, no.

Devla. That woman is a she -devil, Terry.

Can you lend me a pair of socks?

Oh, Phil, do you remember Arthur? Arthur, Sylvie?

Hello. Yeah, I think I do.

Yeah, and this is Susie, isn't it? Oi, say hello to Uncle Arthur and that

Steve. Mum!

What are you shouting about now?

Terry.

Socks.

Why didn't you confide in me?

That's what a mentor is for.

And that 200 sobs won't be the end of it.

She'll bleed you dry. Stand on me.

Now, listen, what you've got to do is get hold of a muster brief who's into

blood testing and genetic fingerprinting.

What are you on about?

Call me as a witness.

I swear you've never seen a woman before in your life. Oh, look, stop worrying,

will you?

Sylvie and the kids are just staying for a few days, that's all.

Terry, look, it's not like taking on a couple of puppies.

I mean, you know where you are with a dog. At least you know it's going to

up and have four legs, a tail and bark.

But with Sprouts, you're on a very sticky wicket.

There you go.

You got any brown ones?

What, kids?

I told you, I've known her for years.

Actually, I was thinking of trying to knock myself once.

Her old man's beaten her up. I mean, what am I supposed to do, chuck her out

the street?

Terry, there are charitable institutions that cater especially for the likes of

her. Poor, inadequate wretches who can't function in normal society.

Homes for fallen women.

So what's this bit of business you got for us?

Oh, nothing that will exert your grey matter, I have no fear.

I'm taking you over to Allen's, though, to give Larchie a little smacking.

No, I'm not. Isn't him? Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I want to go to the

Winchester. Ah, don't be silly. Listen, you take me to the Winchester, I'll give

you the slap instead, all right?

All right, all right, all right. Well, come on, hurry up. All right, all right,

all right.

Dear old Lord. What are you doing?

What are you drinking?

This is a one -way street.

I know.

Where are you going, then? I'm just turning.

Turn left, that's it. Get out the bleeding way.

Terry, I am open to negotiation.

Perhaps a man would like to reimburse me in installments.

Will you get it through your nut? I'm not interested in any of this, all

I've got business at me home to see to.

Oh, you say that again.

Monkey business.

Oh, you like that.

Another bloke's wife.

That woman is turning into a moral cripple, Terry.

For your information, I haven't laid a hand on her. And do you know why?

Because I don't want to take advantage of her while she's upset and in a tight

spot. But you wouldn't understand that, would you?

Typical of the youth of today.

Bourgeois pragmatism.

What do you say?

Dave, you got any pork scratchings?

No, it's not like that.

What was I supposed to do?

Dad?

Are you all right?

They were straight, didn't they?

Running out on the father of my kids.

Jacking up with you.

I suppose that's what it looks like.

Do you want me to have a word with him?

There's no point.

It's the way your generation thinks.

I made my bed when I married Steve -O and now I'm supposed to lie in it.

No matter how uncomfortable it's got.

You don't think that, do you?

I don't know what I think.

I didn't think, did I? I just ran.

It's not fair on you, Terry. Me and the kids being here like this.

Don't be daft. It's going to take you some time to sort yourself out, isn't

Anyway, I like it.

Yes, I do.

It's like old times, isn't it?

Any sign of him?

No. Still and silent as the grave, Arthur.

Look, I've been thinking. You know all this stuff about you getting a job and a

bedsit and all that. Well, what about if I got a place big enough for us all?

Terry, you mustn't feel responsible for that. No, no, it's nothing to do with

that. But, well, I've been thinking I've got to make a new start.

Yeah, another new start.

Get a proper job. And if I've got one of these big places, I mean, well, we all

get on all right, don't we?

Oh, yeah, but...

Well, all I'm talking about is sharing, you know, just sharing.

But have a think about it.

Yeah, of course I'll give you a reference, tell.

Be a pleasure.

Oh, great.

That's a good idea.

It's time you moved on.

Look to your future.

Yeah, I came to that conclusion years ago.

It's just that... Well, you know what I mean. I know.

You've got to motivate yourself, eh? Yeah.

It doesn't seem worth it, you know, just for yourself, sir, man. Yeah, well,

I've always said that a good woman would be the making of you, tell.

The thing is, though, this bird, she's somehow the geezer's wife, right?

And her head kid?

Now, that can be very dodgy.

He's what?

Dead, Arthur.

Checked out sometime in the night.

Good to see that big bookie in the sky.

You mean to say that little fence had the bare -faced gall to die owing me

money? Yep.

Dead liberty.

Now, in the midst of life, we are in death, Terry.

We never know when the grim reaper's going to strike.

We are but blades of grass waiting for a great core cast to come along. So

gather your rosebuds while you may and bung this lot in the boot.

Fed choked and up to it, but still ready to do a bit of business over the

course. You're unbelievable.

Do you know that?

Terry, please.

I have far too much respect for the dear departed to do anything like that.

No, no, I was thinking of you.

I mean, you're even, aren't you? You're going down there anyway. It won't make

any difference to you. Be a nice little learner.

Mingle with the mourners and flog it to them.

Over my dead body or yours.

All right, all right, all right. Let's just go and pay our respects.

All right.

Come on, let's get in the car.

All right.

Come on, don't keep saying all right.

All right.

Would you credit it? The vultures have got here before us.

I never realised he was that popular.

I told you, a wake is the Irishman's equivalent of the World Cup final.

And every one of them potential punters, Terry.

I've got my scruples.

Well, you should see your doctor then.

Was he deaf and all?

You, er, had a butcher's at him?

Got enough?

What? Er, lingers have flown up to Dublin for the burial.

The devil has gone with them and all.

What about a deco at the death certificate?

What are you, a ghoul?

Terry, I am perfectly within my rights in demanding evidence of the termination

so that I can collect what is owed to me from the estate.

Er, excuse me, look, um, is this the Duke of Westminster's gown?

No. This is a manky little council house on the runway that we throw. I mean,

what a state.

Terry's right, Arthur. We can all kiss the results goodbye.

And anyway, listen, there's something very weird going on here.

What do you mean, weird?

Well, they're saying he could cure warts.

It's very true.

It was him that dissolved my Barry's kidney stone when he came and borrowed

strimmer that time. Oh, and then there was old Mrs Singey from the offy. Well,

she suffered terrible with her piles.

until Blanche did the laying on of hands.

It's a terrible loss for us all.

I can vouch for that, madam.

Terry? I tell you what, you go in and get your farmer sorted out, or I'll hang

about out here.

My condolences, Dermot.

Let's have a word later.

Yeah, all right, Mr Daly.

Terry! Terry!

Get up here, quick!

What? What's happening?

Get up here!

What's wrong?

Yeah, right.

It is a miracle.

No, you're a bleeding miracle, Arthur. No, no, no. It's Larchie on the bed.

No, he's not. Larchie's winging it. It's a Dublin, isn't it? No, no, no. Not

him. But it's like an imprint.

What? Come and have a look.

You snapped or something. No, no, no, look, look, look, look.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it does look like him a bit, doesn't it? A bit?

Look at the kipper. It's a dead ringer.

Look, you can even see the wee scar on his cheek where Charlie Harrison chipped

him last Christmas.

It's very good.

Look, look, he's got his little mitts.

Look, his dodgy little knees.

Yeah, dodgy's about the right word for it, you know. Oh, what's the matter with

you? You've got no respect for a miracle.

Arthur, miracles don't happen in Hounslow. Oh, no.

Nightingale's singing Barclay Square, don't they?

He works in mysterious ways.

Perhaps he thought it was time to put Allenslow on the map.

Oh, yeah. What, like Lourdes, you mean? No, Terry, no. What we've got here is

something altogether bigger than cricket.

It is a big responsibility for you, Dermot.

I mean, your dad dropping off the twigs so sudden and leaving you with his

remarkable phenomenon.

It certainly is, Mr Daly.

Especially in the absence of the mammy.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do about it.

I mean, people are lobbying me to exhibit it.

They're throwing cash at me, Mr. Daly.

I mean, see what I already collected towards the funeral expenses.

I even have a reporter from a local paper wanting to do an article on it.

Sir, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it didn't turn out to be the media event

of the year.

Of the decade, Dermot.

The decade.

The trouble is...

I'm just a simple lad from the Emerald Oil, Mr. Daly.

I'm telling you, there's only two words to describe it. Fan -bloody -tastic.

I personally would never have believed it had I not seen it with my own ears.

The old dear here.

Varicose veins vanished completely after just talking to wee Larchie. Right?

It's very true.

Turned into haemorrhoids, apparently.

You are a very young and inexperienced person to be left in charge of such a

religious hot potato.

It could lead to no end of problems.

Nutcases wanting to throw bottles of ink at it or slash it.

Dignitaries beating a path through your door wanting to examine it or

authenticate it.

What sort of dignitary?

Mother Teresa, Bob Geldof, Saint and Greavesley.

And Batman the Batman.

You want to get your sticky fingers into some of that.

And before you know where you are, you're going to want an accountant and

agent.

Dermot, the world is full of unscrupulous people.

You could end up being Duke.

I am worried about being Duke, Mr. Daly.

No,

no, no, you don't understand.

I'm not offering you money for it.

Perish the thought.

No, I mean, that would be sort of like sacrilege, wouldn't it?

No, no, what I'm saying is you need someone responsible to look after it

you're seeing your dear daddy off to a new life.

You never give up, do you?

Never give up? What are you implying?

I'm implying that you're trying to get a nice little earner out of Larchie's

dirty linen.

Excuse me.

Dirty linen? Yeah. That is a momentous artefact.

Haven't you ever heard of a stigma?

Yes, dodgy eyesight, isn't it?

You think it will play, sir?

Take care of him, Mr Daly. Is this it?

Not a very respectful receptacle for an item of such... What's going on, Dermot?

I'm off to Dublin for the funeral.

Oh.

Is all the furniture going to Dublin for the funeral and all?

You can say what you like, Arthur.

There's got to be some rational explanation for it. Look, the rational

explanation is young Dermot thought he could make a few bob out of his dad cork

in it. In other words, it's a con.

A con?

Hmm.

A con?

Look, we all knew Larchie wasn't a saint, right?

So why should he check out and leave his imprint on a sheet?

Why not? He left his dubs and other items for the bill when he was alive.

See you.

My old son.

It's very kind of you leading us to the mammy.

Now, what about a whereabout for the daddy? Don't you tell him nothing,

You know the old saying, mammy, the best laid plans have moistened man.

Take your filthy hands off me, you gobby.

No, no, Mrs. Riley. Shall we add resisting arrest to conspiracy, fraud,

handling of stolen goods?

I haven't done nothing. Come on. You can't even go on your holidays without

being mad.

What's all this?

That's my living room, isn't it?

Arthur, when am I going to get a butcher's at this sheet? All in good

I've got it in a safe place at the lock -up.

I mean, it's a very delicate object.

I mean, I can't keep exposing it willy -nilly to sunlight and pollution, acid

rain and all that. I mean, it might fade or go through some sort of chemical

transmographer... What's the name?

Arthur, what I don't understand is, what do you propose doing with it?

That is something I am cogitating on right now.

That could take forever, so I'm off.

I'll see you later. Oh, by the way, Teller, I sent off that reference for

Did you? Oh, thanks. That's smashing. Cheers, Stella.

What reference?

He has got a job interview at 3 .30 tomorrow.

Sales manager.

Yeah, it's that new place, Marsden Motors.

I wrote a reference for him.

I need him for my enterprise.

I am grooming him to be my successor.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

You were saying?

What I was trying to say, Mr Marsden, is it's not that he's deliberately evil.

I mean, it's a reflex action. He doesn't know he's doing it.

Sounds like the last place he should be is around motors.

Sadly, correct.

I mean, number plates vanish, stock gets driven away.

If you could supervise him 24 hours a day, I'd say risk it.

Because I can see you're the sort of man who likes to give a second chance to a

miscreant.

He's done time, though.

No, no, no, no. I did only talk to him on the telephone, you see, but then

glowing reference.

Oh, that is another sad story.

I have known Dave for years.

Well -meaning, but, you know, never out the bar all day.

And he's getting on.

You know, I mean, all the lights are on in the house, but there's nobody at

home.

Thanks for the tip -off. Not at all. With one road tearing into another, and

being somewhat new on the manor, I would expect the same sort of thing from you.

These are all put together from kits, aren't they?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Listen, I want to work.

What are you doing?

Terry, I've got it all worked out.

The important thing is to find the right venue.

It's got to be a church or a chapel or even an art gallery.

An art gallery? Yeah, it could be the Tate or the National. But above all, it

must be tasteful.

With due deference to Larch's memory, it'd be a sort of grotto. Well, no, no,

more your shrine. With a little photo and the words...

A humble jockey.

An outlet. A gambler.

A fence.

A modest little man who stumbled painfully through life with pins through

knees. That's very poignant, Terry. Yeah, like charging an arm and a leg to

at a dirty sheet. That's poignant. Oh, don't be offensive, Terry. I've told

apart from a small cut for expenses, all the money's going to charity.

What, the Arthur Daly Benevolent Fund?

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, you can stuff them miracles from Almslow.

Terry. No, I've had enough of your dodgy deals. I'm not getting involved any

more, all right?

Making money out of gullible people. I mean, this is the last straw.

I've told you, Terry, all the money is going to go to religious charities.

Yeah, after you have your cut, yeah.

Anyway, look, this isn't a social call. I've got an interview for a job.

What sort of job?

A regular job with regular money.

There's no such thing.

Yes, there is, and I think I'm going to get it and all. I've got to sort myself

out. What have I got behind me? Nothing, not a cent.

Whose fault is that?

Yeah, and if I stick with you, you've got nothing to look forward to either.

Here we go again.

Shut up and listen, will you?

Basically, um... Well, I'm... I'm resigning.

Oh. Yeah, and when I get this job, I don't want you coming down to where I

and giving me a bad name, all right?

That'd be Coles to Newcastle, wouldn't it?

I mean, obviously, I'll, um... You know, I'll have a drink with you down the

Winchester and stuff.

Oh, good.

I'll look forward to that. As far as work goes, you and me, that is, I mean,

it's, uh... Well, it's finished.

I can say that again.

Right, I'll see you around, then. Yeah, all right. All right.

Daily?

No, even the one with the halo.

Hunklow Free Press.

Oh, hello, my dear.

You rang about a miracle.

Yes, come over here.

I've got something to show you.

Hello, babe.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what comes over me.

How long have you been in this line, then, Mr McCann?

What, around motors? Oh, years, not enough.

And what did you do before?

I started out as a boxer.

And then it was general building work, removals, decorating, all that sort of

thing for a while.

And you've never been in any sort of trouble with the police, have you?

Yeah, I'll bet right not, but I've done a bit of bird as it happens. But that

was it. I mean, never again I've learnt my lesson.

I'm sure you have.

Well, I think I know enough about you. It's been very interesting.

I'll let you know very quickly by letter. Oh, thanks very much. Cheers.

-bye.

I suppose Dad told you I was here.

Yeah.

I was going to come over and break my can's neck.

But that would have been acting too deformed, wouldn't it, eh?

And that's been me all over.

Act first and think later.

Anyway, I told myself it wasn't necessarily the way your dad said it

I couldn't think of anywhere else to go.

And he's been very good to us.

I don't want to make no trouble for him.

Look, I don't want no trouble, Sylvie.

All I want you to do is to give me another chance.

And come home.

I got a new football, Dad.

Oh.

Really?

Thank you very much, Mr Daly, for a total waste of time. What? What do you

You don't honestly expect me or anyone to be taken in by that piece of junk, do

you? I mean, it's laughable.

Looks as if it's been tie -dyed in a pot of PG tips.

What do you mean, tie -dyed? It's such an obvious con.

How dare you? How dare you dragging me all the way from Hounslow?

Thanks anyway.

I've got my story.

Arch charlatan plans to fleece believers.

Arch charlatan?

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

Vacate my premises at once.

I've already started looking for another job.

And this time, when I get one, there's no getting bored and jacking it in.

This way.

What's he doing here? What do you want? It's all right. I just want to talk to

her. Do you want to talk to him? Is that all right?

Yeah.

We need to talk.

Come on.

Let's go and have a kick about it.

Come on, mate.

Look, I've given up the drink.

On the lives of the kids. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it.

And I'm a different bloke when I'm off the drink. You said so yourself.

Sylvie, I can't handle it without you.

You're all I've got.

If you don't come home with me, well, I might as well.

You've been stitched up, Arthur.

That's never kosher.

What do you know about this? I mean, a thing like this is totally beyond your

comprehension. You are a theological pygmy.

Syl, look, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

You don't understand, Terry. I've got to give him one more chance.

It seems to me he's had an awful lot of one more chances, hasn't he?

He's my husband, Terry.

Father of my kids.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Give it your best shot, eh? Here you go, sonny.

We'll pay you back what we owe you.

Behave yourself, will you? Just look after yourself.

You use your left foot more often.

Oh, Steve -o.

If you ever lay a finger on her again, I personally will tear you apart.

There'll be no trouble, Till.

I promise you.

Of course it's kosher. Of course it is.

I think you lot have just convinced yourselves it's kosher. All right,

it then. If it's not kosher, explain how it was done. Yeah, go on, go on.

Yeah, you can.

I'll tell you how it...

It could have been ironed on, you know, like a transfer.

What? They put it over his body and then run an iron over it?

Anyhow, what does it matter whether it's kosher or not? It's like the Adolf

Hitler Diaries, isn't it? As long as something creates enough interest, it's

earner, right?

Dave, that is a highly immoral... Oh, my God, look at this.

Look, ash all over it and all your grubby... Oh, how can I exhibit that?

I mean, have some respect.

Are you sure it was him?

I'm positive.

On the other hand, of course, I suppose it could have been a ghost.

Cunning little toe -ragger.

Staged his demise to escape his creditors.

Not to mention the old Bill. He was in a jam sandwich.

Arthur's going to have all sorts of kittens.

Him. Him and the miracle of Allenslow, eh?

He's on his take. Don't see a word.

I can't wait to see his kipper.

Oh, hello.

A double cyanide. A new...

And I'm relying on you to kick the chair away from under me, Dave.

What's up, Arthur? You look as white as a sheep.

You and all the others want hanging.

It's all your fault.

Sticky paws all over it. Spilling your drink on it.

Fag ash all over it.

A priceless religious artefact. Lost to posterity for eternity.

You haven't lost it, have you, Arthur? I didn't nick it. I mean, you was a bit

Brahms last night.

No, I haven't lost it or had it nicked. I took it home with me last night and

left it on a chair in the kitchen.

When I came down this morning, her indoors had washed and ironed it.

I don't see what's funny about it. You wouldn't have laughed if she'd washed

them on her leisure, would you?

Well, it would wipe the smell off her face, wouldn't it?

Arthur, Terry has got some news for you.

Oh, yeah?

What, one of the pools, have I?

No, no, no.

I've just seen Larchie.

In a police car.

Oh, Terry.

Tell me you're at the wind -up.

It's no wind -up, Arthur. Terry was right all along.

He was at the madam.

You've been paying for a right vampire.

Well, it looks as if we've both been stitched up, Terry.

Me by Larchie and you by your lady friend. Yeah.

Well, my faith in human nature is totally destroyed.

I'm so gutted I can't top myself.

And if I didn't have faith in him up there... That's exactly what I'd do.

got a letter from Martin's Motors.

Oh.

Well, fingers crossed, Terry.

Arthur!

Look, look!

They've offered me a job.

Oh.

Right, I did have a word with them.

Did you? Yeah.

Let's go and have a drink, eh?

If you want...

The wrong location.