Original subtitles

Forgive us our sins, and at our last hour let us not fall away from you.

God will show us the path of life, in whose presence is the fullness of joy,

at his right hand there is pleasure forevermore.

We have entrusted our brother Jack to God's merciful keeping, and we now

his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Good morning, my dear.

A bit too early for me, I'm afraid.

Kiss goodbye to kitchen misery, Boz. You're early, Arthur. That is the

of the microwave.

Be the first one in your street to get the two -second cup of tea. The thing

Arthur... What's the matter with you? You haven't changed your mind, have you?

knocked my pipe out getting this one. No, no, Arthur. I'll take you in the

It's not a good time, Arthur.

You'll be well pleased with it, Boz, believe me. Shut up!

Go on, morning.

I haven't got the time, Mr Browning, in my life.

300 weeks...

It's crippling me. You can take the place apart, it won't make any

Take the place apart?

You must be thinking that somebody else popped.

What's this?

Dog doll prat.

What's the delay?

I think we've got a non -payment here, Mr Gamage.

not let you stay in the leisure business, old chap.

Right, gentlemen.

Same time next week.

Huh? I wondered where you'd got to. Here.

You must have heard it all.

Hang on a minute. You saw him, Arthur, didn't you? I didn't.

You're my witness, Arthur. You saw the whole thing.

Arthur! According to my governor, I'm a wholesale distribution operative.

Which means I hump boxes of exotic liqueurs and drive a van that ought to

down.

Well, according to Arthur, I'm a personal security advisor. Oh, terrific.

Here I am, humping boxes of exotic liqueurs. You ain't even got a van.

out!

Do you know what time it is?

Oh, God, come on, shake your leg, quick. I won't be a minute.

You're supposed to be having lunch and I'm starving. Two seconds and I'll be

right with you. Come on, you.

All right?

Right, that's a lot.

Now, you've got to pay me or anything.

No, I sorted that with Arthur.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Working for Arthur's like working for royalty.

You never carry cash.

See you, sir. See you, sir.

Here we go, then.

I thought while you were working with me at the club, you weren't going to have

to do all this fetching and carrying for Arthur.

Well, he's getting a bit of a jam, that's all. He ploits you, Terry.

Annie, don't start all that again.

Hello?

Doom and despair enterprises?

I want a meet at the Winchester in five minutes.

No, no, no, I can't do that. I'm going out to lunch with Annie. No, no, no,

never mind lunch, Terry. This is double urgent. Matter of life and death. Be

there. No.

Uncle Ar...

Listen, can we pop into the Winchester for five minutes? I want lunch.

Something's not being bandied. I just want to... Harry, I don't want to go to

the Winchester.

He might be in a lot of bother.

OK. You go and hold Arthur's hand. I'm going to lunch. I'll see you at the club

tonight.

Thank you, Arthur.

May I take this opportunity of wishing you a very happy birthday, Miss South?

Thank you.

It's number 206.

You can examine it over there.

Right.

Would you like me to remain?

Yes, please.

In accordance with the wishes of the late Mr Jack South... It's all right, Mr

Dryden. I'm familiar with my father's will.

You can tell her that's all there is.

I can assure you your mother has... My stepmother.

Your stepmother has no interest in the bequest.

Goodbye, Mr. Jordan.

Please.

There she is.

So upset I forgot to collect the 150 notes for a microwave.

Is that all?

You made a monster of my day just for that? Is that all? They are not nice

people, Terry. Get off.

Brain damage ain't going to put a sticky finger on you. You haven't got enough

money. That is a monstrous slur. Who is this brain damage when he's at home?

Brian Gamage.

Nicely piece of work from over the water.

Somebody ought to chase him back over Battersea Bridge. Well, Boz, Boz will

fight his own battles, but you are supposed to fight mine. I want you on

hours a day in case I get a visit.

Yeah, but I'm working at the club with Annie tonight, remember?

You're what? You call that working?

Prancing around in a penguin suit, touching his forelock. Listen to him.

because Annie got me the job and you didn't. Listen, Terry, in times of

your place is at my side.

Well, tomorrow night the regular doorman comes back, so I'll be able to hold you

a little hand then, all right, dear? What happens if I get a visit from Brain

Damages Firm in the meantime?

Do a runner. You're good at them.

Where are you going?

To find Annie, see if she's still talking to me.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? You pick someone up out of the gutter, give them

job, self -respect, and what do they do?

Walk out on you and you're out of need.

Oh, well, it's working for you all these years, aren't we?

He's had it too good for too long, hasn't he? He just don't know when he's

off. You're right, Dave.

Absolutely right.

Hi.

Well?

What's the news?

Had a sense of humour, your father?

Yes, but not where bank vaults are concerned.

What are you doing?

You wouldn't have put this in the vault without a very good reason.

We've

done

business with them.

It's a bank in Zurich.

A Swiss bank and a bank account number.

Now you really have got a birthday to celebrate.

Oh, God, the party.

Well, come on, we'll have a great time.

By the way, I might be a little late.

I've got to go and look at a promising piece of Dockland.

Oh.

All right.

You had a bit of a setback with Boswell then, Charlie. I don't believe

everything you hear, Ronald.

Hidden microphones indeed.

You've been watching too much television.

What are you working on at the moment, Ronald?

Oh, serious outbreak of theft.

A pattern is emerging, I believe.

Yeah, mostly little pink flowers on black nylon. Some loony's been nicking

underwear from the local laundrette.

Oh, Jones, doesn't make you jealous, eh?

There he is, working on the front line in the battle against serious crime.

Sergeant Chisholm, Sergeant Rycock.

Super wants to see you both right away.

Take the place apart?

You must be thinking of somebody else, Pop.

Or sis.

Don't approve of members of the public being endangered in this way, Sergeant.

No.

However, you say there was a witness?

Yes, sir.

Come on, man, who?

Arthur Daly, sir.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm confident I can get Daly onto the stand, sir.

We have witnesses who are prepared to give evidence against Gammage.

But allowing for the usual cases of amnesia on the stand, we need all we can

get. We'll subpoena Daly.

It's your job to make sure he turns up and says the right things.

Meanwhile, have either of you two got a valid passport?

Well, as a matter of fact, I have, yes, sir.

Actually, no, sir, but... Any reason why you couldn't take a trip at short

notice? Not at all, sir.

All right, sir, I'll give you a post -it.

In the meantime, get these gamage witnesses sorted out.

That'll be all.

Thanks, sir.

See, the thing is, shortly after buying the motor, brand new, the previous

owner, who happens to be a personal friend of mine, had a...

A complete change of art about the old concept of motoring.

How do you mean?

Pollution. He could not bring himself to wreak further havoc on the ecology of

Croydon. So he sat in the drive, lovingly maintained, but never driven.

Excuse me a minute. Is it still around?

Feast your eyes on the upholstery.

Can I do anything for you, gentlemen?

Come in!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Do you recognise me? No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

Man's got a defective memory, Mr Pope.

Totally, Mr Browning. No, no, as a matter of fact, I've got a very good

for faces, but I can honestly say your boat don't ring no bells with me.

Apart from a little hint of Peter Lorry in his prime.

The man thinks I look like a lorry. He can talk.

Oh, look, look, steady with all this. This is my firing system. Sit down,

Yes, sir.

Now, listen, chummy bum.

We've had a whisper that you might be getting a subpoena in the very near

future. Do what?

Concerning a very good pal of ours called Mr Gammage.

Now, all I'm saying is, you get in that witness box and tell a lot of slanderous

lies about my friend, and I'm going to see to it that you come to a lot of

I'm going to bite your nose off and stick it right up your... All right, Mr

Pope. Keep it clean.

He's a sadist, Mr Daly.

Personally, I blame it on a deprived childhood.

Evening all.

I'd better do my rounds.

Before you do, would you bring Mr. Rhodes with his car round to the front?

Park in the usual place.

What's wrong with him? He's got a bone in his leg or something.

I'm afraid I wouldn't know the first thing about the boss's leg.

Pleased to hear it.

Are you with Miss West?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

And there is his forehead.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, everything's there.

I can't thank you enough.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yes, really.

Well, I'd better go in. They're all waiting for me. Yes, I must get back to

day. It's weird, though, isn't it?

What?

Well, there were two of them, and they had a motor waiting.

I didn't know mugging was that lucrative a business.

I hope it's nothing to bother you this way.

No, I'm fine, really.

Yeah,

I'll see you later, OK?

Thanks again, Terry.

Don't be silly.

Yeah. Well, sort of, you know.

I know.

What happened to you?

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Nicky.

Happy birthday to you.

Look, putting aside your snide innuendos for the time being, I'm merely trying

to point out that I do not like men in funny wigs probing me about my

It is not seemly for a man in my position to be seen in a witness box.

Try another position, then.

Maybe you're a little better in the dock.

You're very helpful, aren't you? Here I am on the hauls of a right debacle, and

all you can do is take the... Oh, the unmistakable sound of Arthur Daly

bemoaning his miserable lot.

What's he on? I don't know.

A bottle of light ale, Governor, please.

A small grapefruit for Mr Jones here.

In fact, drinks all round.

Eh? I'll have a bloody merry with you, Mr Chisholm.

What brought this on?

Are they bringing him back hanging?

Even traffic wardens rub a bullet.

Nothing like that.

The sergeant's got a new job, see?

That's right.

I've been appointed community public relations officer, whereby I socialise

eminent local citizens, left showing the human face of the old bill.

Oh, the human face of the old bill. You ought to see his hospitality allowance.

Yeah? Very generous, it is.

You don't believe me, Daly?

Read this.

Arthur. What?

Never take strange bits of paper off a funny policeman.

It'll be enough! Oh, Daly!

Later, Daly.

Don't you worry.

It's a black mark, McCain.

Very big black mark.

Thank you very much, Mr Chisholm.

Hello, Taff.

Nice one, Taff. Don't know why I bother.

Chisholm, he ain't paid for his drinks, you know. He never does. He's old Bill,

isn't he?

I thought I might find you here.

Oh. Well, as you frequently say, I'm a creature of habit, aren't I?

The driver of the club. It's for you.

Club?

Hmm.

Hmm?

Dear Perry, you were more help to me last night than you can imagine.

I enclose the token of my gratitude. Promise me you will use them.

Love, Nicky.

That was a bird who got mugged.

I got her two tickets for the Orient Express.

The Orient Express, eh? You got a right result there, Tom.

Yeah.

Two, eh?

I wonder if she'll take.

What do you want tickets to a Chinese takeaway for?

Arthur, the Orient Express is not a Chinese takeaway.

It's a famous train, isn't it? Eh?

You know, Agatha Christie, all that.

What, you're going on that?

Yeah, she's given us tickets.

I do not believe I'm hearing this.

Here I am being hunted like a wild animal and you're planning a trip to the

of the earth.

Oh, but it goes to Venice, not out of Mongolia.

Yeah, but what about me?

What about the fugitive, the man in the suitcase?

I spent last night on Mindless Michael's sofa.

Oh, my dear.

And he detoxicated him, de -lousing, and a two -gallon tetanus jab.

Yeah, well, I know it's a bit of a bummer, but I haven't had a holiday for

years.

It'll be great to get out of the country for a couple of days.

Besides, Annie and I haven't been too clever recently. Give me time to

straighten things out, you know.

Get out of the country?

Yeah, I've never done it before.

Slept on a train in bunks, all that.

When's it go?

Thursday. Oh, a couple of days. Yeah.

Ah, well, off you go, Terry.

You're overdue anyway.

Does that mean you don't mind?

No, no, of course not.

You go and enjoy yourself, my son.

Yeah?

Well, cheers, mate.

You'll have to do a bit of hard grafting the next day or so, then. Well, that'll

be all right. I'm going to need a bit of spending money, isn't I?

Oh, you've done half a little rough, you know.

Yeah, I feel rough, too. I haven't even had breakfast.

I've got a bar of chocolate here. Here, get that down, you.

What's the daisy?

Things are looking up.

Look at that.

Tempe in front and you haven't even had breakfast yet.

Bon appétit.

Interpol? Yes, Sergeant.

I've been through the duty roster over and over. What with the flu epidemic and

the overtime situation, I had no choice but to send you.

What exactly will my duties be, sir?

You will rendezvous in Boulogne with Francois Leblanc from Interpol.

And the two of you will observe the movements...

Of this man.

Remember the Securimat bullion robbery?

Oh, yes indeed, sir.

We have reason to believe that it was perpetrated by this man and various

European accomplices.

Not to mention other crimes of a similar nature in Paris, Munich, Amsterdam,

hence Interpol.

But more importantly, Sergeant, we have reason to believe our bullion was moved

into Europe.

And we'd rather like to know where it is.

If you get my drift, sir.

Oh, perfectly, sir.

Remember, you're going along at their request. As an observer, you have no

jurisdiction. You can rely on me to handle the situation intact, sir.

Just concentrate on not making a complete twit of yourself, Sergeant.

You can tell Rycott that the Gamage business is his now.

That'll be all.

Sir.

Thank you.

Who drinks all this stuff?

I don't know.

The missus says it brings the kitchen floor up a treat.

Where's your arbour?

Commentary vote. Inside.

I'm about ten minutes ahead of plod. Do you like that? It's French.

It's French for how are you? On the brink of a nervous breakdown, since you

Listen, last minute job.

Under Italian suits, coming in at Sparrows Fart tomorrow morning. No, no,

can't do it. I'm going away tomorrow.

Well, you can go straight to the station from here.

I'll see that Annie gets there.

Do it for me as a favour, Terry.

I mean, bear in mind my situation. All right, all right.

But if they're not here on the dot, I'm off. Good boy, good boy. I won't forget

it.

Where are you going now?

Is that coming or not? Right there.

I'm only going for three days.

Bleeding time.

Don't you help, will you?

She just turned up out of the blue last night, without a penny to her name, with

the kiddies.

The kiddies?

Yeah, all four of them.

Terry always wanted a big family.

He never told me he was married.

Oh, well, sadly, I mean, a marriage is just a piece of paper now.

I mean, in his mind, he is a single man.

But he feels duty bound to do right by her. You know, try and help her get back

on her feet.

He said to say sorry, but in the circumstances, he couldn't possibly go

with you.

Of course, if you want to go on your own.

Certainly not.

And you can tell Mr McCann from me that I don't ever want to see him or speak to

him again.

Well, if that's the way you want it. That's exactly the way I want it. And

same goes for you, Daly. Look at you.

My God, do you think I need more time coming like you and McCann messing up my

life? Just who the hell do you think you are? A moustache. Au revoir. This isn't

au revoir, Daly. This is goodbye.

Here you

go.

No,

nothing.

Here you go.

You never guess where McCann's off to today.

The Flaming Orient Express.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, I just did.

Arthur Daly.

It's not the name that's on your list.

I'm with Mr. McCann.

That's kind of you. Cheers.

What the bloody hell are you doing?

Where's Annie? Look, we've got to have a little talk.

All right, come on in. Talk? What's happened?

My pleasure.

Move your butt.

Come on, you. What's going on? Look, I think you'd better sit down. Let's go

inside. You can't go in there, right?

All right, then, where is she?

She's not coming, Terry.

What is it?

Now, listen, Terry, you're going to have to bring all your experience to bear on

this one and take it like an adult.

I'm going to get you thrown off the train. Her husband turned up.

Do what?

Yeah.

You've gone too far this time, sunshine.

Sit down, Terry, sit down.

With you?

Forget it, I'm getting off. You'll only regret it, my son. You're going to

regret it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He turned up out of the blue, on his upper, so to speak.

I mean, she couldn't do a runner without extending an open hand, could she?

That's nice.

This is real, sir.

You've done me up like a kipper, haven't you?

Just ducked that bleeding subpoena.

So what did you tell her, eh? I suppose my long -lost wife turned up, did she?

You're overreacting, Terry.

No permanent damage has been done.

You pick it.

Aye. Leave the nose bag on, this choo -choo's top notch.

Stuff the nose bag.

As soon as we get the folks on, I'm coming straight back to town.

Suit yourself, suit yourself. I will.

I will.

Oi, excuse me. I've got to talk to you.

What are you talking about? Hold on, look, I might be a bit old -fashioned.

Look, it's me, Nicky.

I gave you the tickets.

That's right, yeah.

Hello.

It appears...

Plitting together.

How charming.

Yes.

Can I get you anything, sir?

Yeah, large VAT, please.

Beg your pardon, sir.

Large VAT.

Oh, please don't get off the train, Terry. I need your help. What are you on

about? Look, I know I should have told you before, but I was afraid you

come. Look, hold on.

What's your help to me?

I want you to look after this for me.

Look, remember the other night, Terry?

Well, that wasn't an ordinary mugging.

Someone's after me. After you? Why?

I can't explain now.

My boyfriend's waiting for me, but please, will you help me?

Uh, yeah, I suppose so. All right, yeah.

But listen, the first chance you get, I want the full story, all right?

Yeah, of course.

Thank you. Well, we'd better get out of here now.

I can't tell you how grateful I am.

Well, maybe you can try a bit later on, eh?

We're rewarding journey.

Rewarding journey.

Oh.

Decided not to chuck yourself off the train, then? I'm not talking to you.

That's all right. I talk to myself.

Nice drink, Arthur? Yeah, not bad, Arthur. Another one, Arthur? I wouldn't

no. Shut up.

I thought you weren't talking to me.

Oi.

Has something happened?

It has, hasn't it? I can always tell with you.

Something has come up as it happens.

God, talk about fickle.

Should have had a closer look at those tickets. Why?

I would have seen the strings attached, wouldn't I?

Is it, um, something to do with... Yeah.

No, she did. No.

She only came barging in the loo while I was in there, didn't she?

No. God's truth.

That's the international travel scene for you, innit?

Strange bird, a costume, a car seat. We're not even out of Brixton yet.

Everything all right?

I'm fine.

Look, I really think you ought to let me look after it.

Don't worry, Mark. It's safe.

Okay.

Sir? Yeah?

Oh.

Are you sure that'll be all, sir? Yes.

More than that will take care of it.

And last year, I did the Trans -Niberian. Oh, it was the most

Trains are my life, you see.

Show me a bogey and I'm in heaven.

How can it matter?

What are you going to have, Terence?

Well, I think I'll have the lute. The lute, then, uh... There's no soup on

It's pottage.

Pottage is soup.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, if you're talking about tabernacle, yeah, I know

that. No, that'll be one soup, then, sir.

Yeah, yeah. I'll have soup. Two soups. Dos.

Two. He's English.

All I'm saying is, did she make any mention of financial remuneration?

You mean, did I ask her to bung me?

Very Orient Express.

Very Terence McCann.

You think we could elbow the land to get a gutter for the duration of this

journey. We are with very influential people.

People with a decent bit of wedge.

In answer to your question, no, I didn't.

Anyway, she paid for the tickets for this. Do you know how much that costs?

They're always expensive.

Do you know something?

When I got up this morning, I was all set for a nice little holiday with a

terrific lady, right?

What have I got? You instead of her, a wobbly bird follows me in and out of the

car seat, and a prospect of you rabbiting all the way to Venice.

So don't give me any earache about nice little earners, right?

Moan, moan. Oh, good morning.

Good morning.

Ah, pleased to meet you, Mr Morgan.

Arthur Daly.

He didn't sound Welsh, did he? He seemed like a nice chap.

I could make some very interesting contacts on this trip.

Yeah, you could, you're right. Yeah, not many. I mean, this lot are just crying

out for fire -damaged radio alarms from Taiwan, aren't they?

Sorry, Terence, I thought it was the leg of the table.

Don't keep moaning. Blimey, you're not supposed to be here in the first place.

Yeah, but it's abroad, isn't it? It always makes me nervous.

I mean, plod with guns, iffy water, sawn -off toilets.

Looks like we're in for a very pleasant trip, gentlemen.

I was just going to say, for my companion here.

Thank you.

Nice -looking woman, isn't she?

Didn't really notice.

Nothing's what it was, Terry. Look.

White cliffs of Dover are not even white anymore.

Oh, God, they're not even there anymore.

Of course not. It's folks, then, you bird.

Here, do you see that lot in the bar?

Sandals, knapsacks, humanity.

Travel certainly gives you a perspective, Terry.

Do you clock that geezer with a gold hamster?

No. Why?

I don't know.

I want another vote. Yeah, come on.

Excusez -moi.

Yes? Are you...

Change to white.

You are Sergeant Chisholm. Chisholm, yes.

Albert.

Albert.

Albert Chisholm.

I'm François.

Right.

Ready when you are? We have some time.

You can have a little drink.

What do you take?

A bottle of light ale.

Come on.

Whatever.

Deux menthalos.

Oh, yes, the

rate of exchange being what it is, I'm very keen to export.

My card, by the way.

Oh, thank you. Yes, everyone wants to get on the dollar these days. Oh, crying

out the dollars in full and broadway.

I'm afraid, sir, you're laboring under a misapprehension. He's a laborer, it's

all this one.

You see, I am not in Congress.

You know, my husband's a judge.

Oh, how very interesting.

You won't want 200 radio alarms, then, will you?

Terry, to beg your pardon?

Come on, give the judge his lucky pleasure.

Oh, nice to meet you. Have a nice day. Good evening, gentlemen.

Oh, good evening. I'm the chef de train. Welcome aboard the Orient Express.

This is your cabin attendant.

She will be looking after you throughout the journey. That's very nice.

I'll meet him once.

Oh, shit.

That is typical French. Oh, dressing the chef up. Look like General de Gaulle.

Why are you in the kitchen? Good evening, gentlemen.

I don't know.

All right.

You're Kevin Lindsay.

Thank you.

We meet again.

Yeah, how jolly.

In it, in it.

I think you've cracked it there, son.

Eh? She wants your little body, doesn't she? A simple courtesy between fellow

travellers, Terence. Something you wouldn't understand.

She's a bit custody, innit?

Allow me to show your facilities, gentlemen.

Far away function.

Claude, monsieur.

My name is Claude. Claude.

Voilà. That's nice, isn't it?

It's a bit of Scotland Yard.

Oui, oui.

Non, non, gardez -le.

Je suis à votre disposition pendant le voyage.

Monsieur, venez du fort.

J 'espère que tout est à votre

satisfaction, monsieur.

Monsieur est anglais?

Un petit peu, quoi, oui.

Un petit aperitif, peut -être? Plus tard, merci.

These men, Cheetah, they have never seen you before.

Of course not.

Make a basic mistake like that.

Remember that you are here as an observer.

If there's any trouble, leave it to Interpol.

I have already been briefed. Thank you. Excellent.

Well, have a nice holiday while we watch these bad gangsters.

Eat, drink.

You are in France now.

Really?

Thank you for reminding me.

Anticipating a spot of trouble with a wine waiter?

You gave it to who?

He's all right, I promise.

I didn't tell you before, but on the way to the club the other night, I was

attacked.

It wasn't an ordinary mugging. I think someone had been following me.

Anyway, Terry helped me.

For God's sake, why didn't you tell me all this?

I didn't want you to think that I was imagining things.

I don't know, losing my nerve.

He's travelling with an older man, yeah?

The one who looks like a bookie?

Yes.

I wish you'd told me before.

Don't be stupid. You're not having a talk. Why not?

I don't want you treading on my face when you come in half cut.

I will not be coming in half cut. Oh, no. If I happen to be a little bit

it'll be the motion of the train.

Gives aggravation to my inner ear. Yeah, of course. What are you doing?

It's cosy, isn't it?

Oh, dear. More bloody room on my own be.

What did this one do?

Cleans me teeth.

It's double dodgy for me. I mean, it could be anything.

I still think we should open it.

No. But it might be something iffy, like drugs.

She might be using us as donkeys.

Mules, Arthur, mules. Well, if not, we should come to some sort of working

arrangement. I mean, she slaps double glazing on her minces, drags virtual

strangers into the car seat. I mean, it's got to be dodgy, hasn't it?

I can't even drive bloody trains.

Are you all right, Stein?

Not all bleeding, right?

Yeah, well, I'll try and get the full SP as soon as possible.

Yeah, you do that. I'll see if that Garkon can get us a tincture.

So she's got herself some help, has she?

What are we going to do, Mr. Crane?

Well, I'm going to do some socialising.

We'll get a result.

Sorry.

And I'd like to think about moving down there next year.

Would either of you two have a light by any chance?

Ah, there's our art starter.

Am I disturbing you? No, not at all.

Mrs. Helen Sender. Arthur Daly.

This is my boy, Terence. Hello. Your boy?

He's your son?

Oh, no, no, no. Or perhaps you're... No, no, no.

He's my prisoner's associate. He looks after the executive side of things. I do

all the dirty work for him. I see.

And you're sharing this tiny cabin.

Well, Terence's lady friend was unable to come.

Yeah, family problems, right, Arthur? Yeah, quite, quite so. And what about

lady friend, Arthur?

Oh, no, no, no, no, nothing like that.

I am, of course, married to my wife.

How convenient.

Who is currently indoors, alone.

And here you are on the Orient Express while she's at home. She must be very

understanding. Oh, yes, indeed, yes. A prince amongst wives, no question.

A princess, even.

Ah.

What will this be?

Oh, would you... A Gordon's martini, very dry, with a twist.

Straight up? Don't be cheeky, Cronk. Go and get it.

Straight up means no ice.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

And what takes you to the pearl of the Adriatic?

Pearl who?

Venice, you pillock.

Exactly. Oh, of course, yes. Well, I like to mix business with pleasure, you

know. The entrepreneur never sleeps.

Mind you, the second -hand car market's taken a bit of a bashing over there

since they flooded the streets, hasn't it?

I'm sorry?

Oh, don't be.

You'll survive.

Gordon Bennett.

Oh, is he on the train? How did I find him?

Good evening.

Crane. James Crane. Oh, Arthur Daly.

Hello.

Oh, good, just the man. Whiskey and water for me.

Same again for these good people. Oh, that's very nice.

I'm all right.

Have a good evening, sir.

Are you sure?

Positive. I was hoping you and Terry could join me for dinner.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Well, that's a shame, because I was about to ask you the same thing.

That's very nice of you.

Popular, aren't we, Arthur?

What do you do with yourself when you're back in bloody?

This and that.

I thought so.

I adore Venice at this time of the year. Of course you do.

Protect this little bloke, don't you?

Oh, look at that. It's typical French, isn't it?

God.

The English abroad.

Yeah. Always causing trouble.

Now, don't forget dinner.

Is everything in order?

I'll catch up with you later. You do that,

son.

Are you OK?

Why me? Why me?

Are you OK? I've got to go back to the cabin.

I'm not sure I ever think about anything else.

You're quite sure everything is all right, gentlemen? Yeah, yeah, yeah, spot

Mercy, mercy. You may return to the kitchen now.

Enjoy the rest of your journey, gentlemen.

Gasping for a cough.

Don't sit down. Get out of the way. You looking for something?

I'll put it there. I know it.

Very humorous.

What do you make of all that?

I don't know, really.

But that crane geezer, he's onto us. I'm sure of it.

I've brought more drinks, gentlemen.

With the compliments of the train.

The others were wheeled out there.

Oh, were they? I didn't get a chance to find out.

Perfect. I have a message for Mr.

McCann. Oh.

Here you go, Claude.

Hold that.

So what is it?

Another coming conflab in the coffee.

She's going to come and see me as soon as she can get away.

She needs to have a talk.

Alone.

Oh, that is nice, isn't it?

Well, do you mind if I have a quick wash and brush up in my own gaff before you

start tristing all over the place? Don't worry. I'll depend on when she's going

to get here.

Hello, Sir Mac. This, um... This man, Daly.

Daly. He is, uh, dangerous.

He's a menace.

He's an accident looking for someone to happen.

What's he doing on his train?

Typical.

See, you cannot sleep with a man like this. Kill him.

Ah, the famous...

British police brutality.

You must not endanger the surveillance.

You must stay here.

Entrez.

Votre boisson, monsieur?

Ah, merci.

The attendant will bring you dinner here in the cabin.

Et voilà.

Oh, merci, monsieur.

François, I am right in assuming that the...

The price of the meals is included in the ticket.

No.

But who cares? We are not paying.

You have a good, um... Oh, and expenses, yeah.

Oh, more than adequate, I can assure you.

Jim.

Madame?

You go on the inside.

You go first.

I'm sitting there.

Petit mineral water, s 'il vous plaît. Bien, monsieur.

C 'est tout.

Monsieur desires nothing more?

No.

Bien, monsieur.

La -da -da -dee -dee. Da -da -da -dee.

Vienna, pearl of the Adriatic.

You're in a good mood, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I've never really rated trains, you know, Terry.

Screaming kids, skinheads and sandwiches.

The car's earwash.

But this is very fair, very reasonable.

Yeah.

I could have been having a lovely time. I've always regretted I never travelled

more extensively, you know. But her indoors held me back.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

She's like a dodgy wine. She don't travel well.

I did get her to Majorca once. She went bright pink and her ankles ballooned up.

After that, it was back to normal.

But the thing is, you know...

Broad stairs doesn't meet the requirements of someone like me. No, I

understand that, Arthur.

Right. You will find me in the dining car looking double mysterious, toying

a chilled pink vodka with a cherry.

Straight up. Oh, very droll. You behave yourself.

Think of Annie.

I licked you.

Evening, Mr. Morgan.

Wagner. Yeah, it's all the better, isn't it?

Daly. Mr. A. Daly.

Ah, yes, Monsieur Daly.

Good evening, Judge.

Ah, waiter, another Tom Corns, please.

Old gentleman hasn't lost his sense of humor, has he?

Oh, sure.

Good evening.

It's him, I guess.

Yeah. There's no one else on the train comes even close.

But I thought this Fabrizio was your brother -in -law's cousin.

That don't make no difference.

Contract's a contract.

I guess I'll just have to blow him away.

Oh, yes. Pearl of the Adriatic.

This is just the time of year for a bit of Venice.

Been there before, have you?

Not exactly.

I mean, not since I was a young man.

Yes, I'm...

I'm looking forward to glimpsing St Peter's again.

You mean some luck?

Oh, yeah, that and all.

Definitely.

It's not that I don't trust your judgement.

I just think it's a mistake to involve other people.

My God.

If they found out how much money was involved... You're right.

I'll get it back.

Look, Mark, you must believe me. It's not because I thought you weren't... Up

it? I'm sorry.

Just get the envelope back, and then we'll manage on our own.

Okay, darling?

Okay.

Don't you think I ought to come with you?

I can deal with it, really.

Okay.

I'm terribly sorry. Terry?

Terry, what happened? Are you all right?

Yeah.

Someone came in and bashed me over the boat.

Well, can I do anything?

Kiss of life?

No, that's all right. No, I'll be all right.

Look,

Terry, I know this isn't the best time, but I've come to get my envelope back.

Hello?

Been rather a long time.

You all right, darling?

Yes, I'm fine, but Terry's been hit on the head.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

Look, I hate to say this, but I haven't got it.

81 and 2.

Oh, yes.

The entrepreneurial flame still flickers in Great Britain.

Oh, you are a poet, Mr Daly.

Thank you, Mrs Morgan.

It is a subject very dear to my heart.

But what of the lamentable British industrial relation?

Unimaginative man management. There's your answer to that one.

Not enough consideration given to job satisfaction.

You show me a man without job satisfaction, I'll show you a man

of life.

What's he talking about?

God knows.

As an example, let me tell you about a load of Japanese tape decks I stumbled

once. Well done, Mr Crane.

Thank you, Mr. Hook.

Well, we'll be pulling in the parrot, then. Have you had a look at it yet?

No.

No, there's plenty of time for that, mate.

You've gone a bit green around the gills, Mr. Kramer.

You wait here.

200 fridge freezers.

And I knocked them all out in one day.

Hell, hell.

Oh, hello.

Where's your young friend, Arthur?

A very good question.

Oh, I was just going to ferret him out.

Hello.

All hands above the tables, please.

I'm sure he's all right. Have an aperitif with me first.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

It is only a minor fault.

You silly old bugger.

Now, why do you stick the turret, eh?

Now, tell me where it is.

I'm going to chop your ears off.

All right. No need for violence. It's in the bag.

No, it isn't.

It's very expensive, but...

Did you get this?

Yeah, that belongs to me. No, it doesn't. You meant it. I did not.

Listen, I wouldn't want a belt of genius in this.

Holy wood!

Come here!

Nobody strikes half a day. Give me that, you old chap. Let me not. Let go!

Catching the post.

Catching the post.

Sandwich. No sandwich.

We're going to leave soon from Route 3.

Oh, did you see anyone?

No.

They could have got up just now, Brauliner.

if they exist at all.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm assuming Nicky has had the good sense not to explain the contents

the envelope to you.

Nonetheless, you're obviously aware that it's of some value.

Look, Mark, I think we should... Let me finish, darling.

Yeah, let him finish, darling.

Now, I would say, from the look and the sound of you, that you're the sort of

chap who recognises a good thing when he sees one, even if he doesn't quite

understand it.

In other words, I'm not at all sure I believe this stuff about someone

up and banging you on the head.

Really?

Well, let me tell you something.

From the look and sound of you, I would say I'm the sort of chap you should try

very hard not to annoy.

Oh, for God's sake, you two.

Terry.

Terry. What's up? Terry, I've just been in a fight.

Eh? I fell off the train.

I thought my time had come, Terry, but... Badly not, I bet. I wasn't dead,

alive, and I was hallucinating. I seen Chisholm working in the kitchens, like a

ghost. Terry, Terry, I'm sick. I'm sad. I can sit down, will you? Oh, please

don't shout at me, Terry. Look, Terry, you might be really ill.

Really ill?

Listen, while you were getting legless, I was knocked on the head, I was mugged,

and young Locking Barrier believes we're ripping him off. Well, you were the

last one with the envelope.

The envelope? Oh, that. I've got that somewhere.

You've what?

Well, what do you think I got in a fight for?

You had a fight and got this back?

Yeah, some old codger.

Not that he wasn't a bit tasty, mind you. Oh, Arthur, that's wonderful.

Oh, not at all. It's nothing. I mean, my reason may be permanently impaired. I

mean, spend the rest of my life... I'll take it now, if you don't mind. ...in

the kitchen.

I think you should apologise, Mark.

All right.

I apologise.

Come on, Nicky, let's go.

Arthur, are you all right?

We've got nasty lump on his head.

That is his head.

See you back in the cabin.

I don't like you, Nick.

You're so sensitive, Terry.

I'd have set up.

With the bloke you had a row with and whoever hit me over the head, that makes

at least two people on this train who want Nicky's goods, whatever they are.

Look, after all the trouble you've had, I'd better tell you.

You see, my father died leaving a lot of money.

Nice. Well, the only trouble is he was... Well, his name was Jack South.

South? Jack South?

That in Crime King's Missing Millions? Yeah.

I knew there was a bit of breed in there.

Mark and I have booked through to Venice, but we're getting off in

You see, the money's in a bank in Zurich.

But there's one small drawback.

There always is.

We haven't got the complete account number.

So what's in the envelope, then? Part of that account number and some clues.

You see, my father was a very cautious man.

Do you mean you haven't worked it out yet? No, not yet.

But I know the answers in that envelope.

Oh.

Oh, Arthur, are you all right? I've just come over all week again.

Where's my duty freeze?

I'll need a lifesaver.

I'll get his bottle.

Who is it?

It's me, Mr. Payne.

It's him.

What happened to you?

I got jumped.

Two of them.

Come behind.

Who was it?

I don't know. I think they got off the train at Paris.

Did they get the goodies?

I don't see anything of that old bloke with the antique clogger.

Yeah, I saw him bolt into his cabin a couple of minutes ago.

Good.

You don't hide no more.

What are our friends up to?

They have had a superb dinner. I have had a superb dinner. Everything is

wonderful.

Everybody's had dinner, have they?

Of course.

Are you at the cabin?

No, I wasn't very hungry as it happens.

Relax, have a good time.

Take it easy, Chisholm. That is an order.

I do not intend to relax.

I do not intend to be patronised by you. And what is more, if you poke me like

that again, so help me, I'll stick one right in your boat race.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Can I buy you a drink?

No, thank you. I'm waiting for a friend.

Gin and tonic.

Actually, I was wondering if you'd come out for dinner with me sometime.

Helen. I beg your pardon?

Well, you are Helen Spender, aren't you?

I used to work with your old man, God rest his soul.

I'm Harry Riddler.

I expect the name's familiar to you. My late husband never discussed his work

with me.

That figures.

I don't know who you are or what you want. But if you don't leave me alone,

complain to the chef de trance.

I want what you want, Helen.

But we're not the only ones. I mean, on our own we've got no chance. You're

either mad or drunk.

Maybe.

Somebody on this train is going to Switzerland to empty Jack South's bank

account. And I know who it is.

have just got old.

He's on here somewhere.

If there's any problems, let me know, all right?

Thanks, Terry.

Jack South, little girl, eh?

You can play your cards right there, Terry. What?

She'll never get her hands on that dough, will she?

Why not?

Look, that... Pratt -Mark might look all right posing in a Range Rover.

He's got about as much chance of keeping that envelope as I have of playing for

England.

Ah!

He's there again, Terry. Who? He's standing there. Chisholm, you look.

All right, all right.

It is an old Chisholm, isn't it? It is.

Very drawn with Han.

Oh, Mr Chisholm, is you?

Oh, thank God.

Well, I wish I was as pleased to see you daily.

You having a little holiday, are you?

Holiday?

I don't know the meaning of the word.

Well, I suppose there's no harm in telling you I am liaising with Interpol.

You're the ones who send the flowers, aren't they?

All right, all right.

You may be trundling across foreign soil, but sooner or later we'll be back

the manor where I rule, OK?

Yeah, I think I prefer you when you wear a suit of hallucination, Mr Chisholm.

The thing is, it is vital that certain persons on this train do not realise

I am a policeman.

So I'm asking for your cooperation in this matter.

As far as the other passengers are concerned, you do not know me, right?

Who are they?

Well, there's no need for you to know that.

Oh, well, in that case, there's no need for any cooperation, is there? I mean,

it goes well against the grain, doesn't it?

I might have known.

All right. There are some faces on the train who helped the late but not

lamented Jack South pull a certain bullion robbery.

The bullion has never been recovered. That is all I'm going to say.

You all right, then? Mum's the word.

Yeah. Stone's the word.

Listen, you all right for a minute? I want to go and get a lager. I'm gasping.

Yeah, all right. Don't be long, though, will you? No, just a minute. That's all.

Come back soon. Yeah, all right.

Actually, Arthur, there is one more favour you could do for me.

Oh.

Help yourself.

No.

Well, as a matter of fact, I had to leave in rather a hurry.

Well, to be frank, the metropolitan police are not exactly generous with

expenses.

Am I understanding you right, Mr. Schill?

That you are a bit short of dosh.

No fear, George.

No fear.

Let's congratulate you, Martin. Well done.

Lloyd Turing, McCann.

That was them, wasn't it? Those two older blokes.

Why so interested?

Come on, you don't need top drawing to national villains every day down full

broadway, do you?

Oh, no, that was them, wasn't it?

The big kraut was Kurt Wenger.

Jack South, top man on the continent.

And the yachtsman with the oily tan was one Ted Moore.

Yes, I'm sure you've heard of him.

Take more. Oh, well, well, well.

Who is it?

Gary.

Hi. Are you all right? Yeah.

Listen, do you know where Mark's gone?

Oh, to the bar. Why?

Does he know anyone else on this train?

No, I don't think so.

Ah.

I've just found out there are two blokes on this train who used to work with

your dad.

And when I say work, I mean... Did the business.

Who are they?

Well, the point is I've just seen Mark go into their cabin with them.

He must have just got chatting to them.

He's got the envelope, hasn't he?

No, he hasn't.

He has. I gave it to him.

No, the one he's got's got newspaper in it. I got confused and gave it to you.

I made up a fake one.

So is that the real one, then?

Yeah. Oh.

What do you think he's doing with those people?

I don't know yet.

Well done, young Mark.

Your father would have been proud of you. I only wish he was around to see me

collect Jack's nest egg. You must drink to Epsom friends.

To my father.

Hold it.

Now, let's have a look at what we got here.

The key to a deposit account in Zurich.

What the hell is this?

It was there.

I saw it.

Mark.

This is very upsetting.

Right.

I think it's time for a talk with Jigsaw's daughter.

She's not there.

Check the bar.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm watching Maura Wenger.

Of course, of course.

Who is the young man?

I don't know yet.

It's a social meeting, perhaps.

I think not.

Follow procedure.

What is the standard Interpol procedure in these situations, hmm?

Not a four -course meal, I expect.

Ted Moore, that's nice, isn't it?

See Venice and die.

I'm going to die before I get there.

I'm worried about Mark. I think we should do something.

Nothing's going to happen to him.

Do you really think he's involved with those men?

I don't think anything.

Except we've got to get out of this cabin and go down to the bar and mix

the plunderers. They won't try anything then, all right?

I want to get off, Terry.

Is there a request stop?

It must be in this one, Mr. Honey.

Now, come on, you may as well come out.

Come out of there, you old buzzard, or I'll kick this door in.

Look, I haven't got it.

You can search my cabin, you can search... You can search with me, but

won't find it. Let me search you, Mr. Fenton.

Now, where's that old woman?

That horrible little man Daly took it.

I only wanted something of my old age. You see, I worked on the inside for Jack

South, and I was highly respected by the bank, and then suddenly I lost

everything. My career, my family, everything.

The person we were hoping to see.

Goodbye, Fabrizio.

That's the place. It's just business.

Where are we?

I don't really know, to be honest. I just opened the nearest door.

This has made us a lot of trouble.

Look, let's all just relax, right? We just came in the wrong cabin, that's

On the contrary, our choice was excellent.

Who are you?

Friends and associates of your father.

Look, you're not going to shoot anybody, are you? I wouldn't bank on that, pal.

I used to look after Jack's house money.

I used to sit on it until the ducks settled.

I was in...

Basement in Islington for four months. Never saw the light of day.

Then I was on the moors for... Must have been eight months. Only a lame sheepdog

for company.

In all that time, I never touched a penny of his money.

So, dead or alive, Jack owes me.

Your father died at home.

My husband died in Parkhurst.

Well, I'm alive.

And I intend to enjoy what my husband couldn't.

My father looked after his people.

There's no point discussing it with these vultures.

Right.

Now, empty your pocket and I'll take that bag.

My God, Arthur!

You don't expect me to fall for that one, do you? It's going to fall off!

Hold that! Hold that!

Get over there!

Get over there!

Get over there!

Get over there! Get over there!

Get over there!

Get over there!

Oh, my dear, I'm sorry I'm late for dinner. I had to pop out for five

Come on, get up, get up.

You all right, Arthur?

Oh, my God, another one.

Hold him, hold him. Give us the gun. Give us the gun.

Now, I think I'm going to need your key.

All right?

Come on.

You two are going to have to get to know each other a little better, all right?

And you won't need this, will you?

Not now, my dear. Arthur Parker's a very tired boy.

Arthur Stone, mate. Come on.

Do you want me to adopt him, sonny?

Sonny, you're sonny. You stand there. You all right, Arthur Parker?

Madame, monsieur?

Oh, sure. No, everything's fine. Thank you very much. Yes, terrific. No

at all. Your friend, he's unwell. Oh, no. He's having a lovely time, ain't

mate? Perhaps he would like some assistance in returning him to his

Is what? No, no, it's all right. No, we're going to go down the bar. He needs

little pick -me -up.

Oh, monsieur.

I'm not sure if your friend is in any condition to go to the bar.

What's that supposed to mean?

Obviously, just a man. I don't know what sort of train you call this, but I

strongly object to being ejaculated while it's in motion.

He's had a bang on the head.

If you cannot control him, I will have him removed from the boat. You'll have

remove me first, I'm sorry. Don't worry,

we'll look after him.

Pardon me, monsieur.

I can't find my Angelo.

Have you seen my Angelo?

I'm sorry, madame. What is your agent?

He's a person. What else could he be?

I think this man is in important contact with our suspects.

Oh, do you, Francis?

What makes you say that?

Francois, it is, you know, the policeman's... Smell?

Intuition. Oh, you've got one of those, have you?

Le Hunch.

It would be most useful to know who he is. His name is Mark Graves, date of

birth, 19361.

Do you know this man?

I've looked him up on the passenger list.

You might also be interested to know that his old man, one Digger Graves,

to work with the same villains young Mark is now talking to.

What does your intuition make of that, eh, Francois?

I think it is, um...

Very good. I will make sure that your superiors get a report of your most

contribution.

It will compensate for your failure to blend in correctly.

I refer, of course, to your suit.

Hello. Hello. Do you know I'm forever blind bubbles?

I think it must be the water. Come on.

Hello, my dear. It's that waiter again.

I think he's drunk.

Hey, look, Terry.

Judge Jeffries. Hang, hang, hang, hang, hang Judge Jeffries for me. Oh, come on,

you hammers.

Hello, Tuffy.

Hey, why don't, why don't, why don't... Why don't you just sit down and shut up?

What a good idea.

Mike, what's going on?

You'd better hand it over, Nicky.

You haven't got a chance.

He's right.

No chance whatsoever.

We'll see about that. Come on, Nicky.

You're out of your depth, little man. Just pissed off.

Sit down, Nicky.

That's right, Nicky.

You stick with your own.

Why is that man staring at you? Oh, for Daly.

Hey, Terry, Terry, look, interplot.

Get Daly. Why didn't you tell me?

Excuse me, Mark.

Paul Hewitt, 3S.

What the bloody hell are you playing at, Daly? They seek him here, they seek him

there, they seek old schism everywhere.

I like the DJ, he's very cheeky. I thought I told you. Calm down, Charlie,

had a bit of a nasty turn, all right? I don't care if he's had kittens, you just

get him out of here.

Enjoy your holiday.

Nice to have made your acquaintance.

Hey, Terry, do you hear that? He don't remember who we are. He's got

schizophrenia.

Do you fancy me or something?

Tell you what, why don't you come and have a closer look?

I might just do that.

Come on, then.

I'm waiting.

Leave it. We have plenty of time.

I don't like being talked at by some top -dating chance -hunter. Terry, Terry,

Terry, there's too much talking and not enough drinking going on in this gap.

Garçon. Large VAT with a red cherry straight up. There they are.

They're the ones who robbed us and locked us up. Hello, my dear. Just in

for your nose bag.

You must retain it.

Now make me sit down. Go on.

I want to front this one. Go get the girl.

Right.

You vile creature.

I am from Interpol.

Frank Cretton.

Sit back. Come on.

Don't get the gun. Get the gun!

Get the gun! Don't get the gun out!

I think this is our stop, don't you?

It goes straight up.

It's a mountain, Arthur.

My mind's a blank.

Where's the train going?

I think it's better.

I suppose it's too much to expect assistance from you two.

You're too busy looking after yourselves.

Yeah, he's better.

Let's go.

I love to go a -wandering.

An upside -down one.

It's a luggage.

The problem is the account number isn't complete.

Let's see where these question marks are.

That would have taken the year they won the double, wouldn't it?

Yeah, that's right.

Dad celebrated for Fortnite.

Oh, oh.

But the answer must be in his photograph. I mean, he wouldn't have put

the vault unless there was a very good reason.

Oh, no, you're football, don't you?

Well, I know about Arsenal.

Yeah, Charlie George, he scored the only goal in the quarterfinal replay.

Good old Charlie. What a player he was, eh?

Yeah, that's right. Number 11.

Oh, hang on.

Yeah, number 11.

Of course.

This photograph is filled with numbers. Yeah.

Knowing Dad, the run into the cup would be as good a starting point as anything

else. Shut up, you. Right, so what have we got? Two question marks.

Yeah. That's a double digit, right?

Right. OK, Story scored twice in the first semi.

Story. So it's two number fours then, isn't it? Right.

OK, George Graham, he's number eight.

That's right.

Can't you go anywhere on your own?

I have just extricated myself from an international incident involving the

police forces of three countries.

I've got a bruised ribcage, sore feet, and no chance of working for Interpol

again, and it's all down to you, Daly.

Mr Chisholm, I am an innocent party where all this is concerned.

At this moment in time, I shall be relaxing in a gondolier.

Well, there won't be any relaxing when we get back to Fulham Broadway.

It'll make your life a misery.

It already is, Mr Chisholm.

It already is.

Right, the equaliser was scored by the sub, Eddie Kelly.

Oh, yeah, well, that's no good, is it? You need a single digit. He's number 12,

isn't he?

Oh.

Swipe me, it's Chisholm.

Better put that away.

Morning, Mr Chisholm.

You look well.

Talking of Fulham Broadway...

I take it you are now heading in that direction.

Oh, no, Mr Chisholm. You see, we were so choked at the premature demise of our

little train trip, we're going to dawdle through Switzerland for a bit. Yeah,

Arthur's got a job lot of underwater cuckoo clocks he wants to knock out.

Yeah, I might pick up a few gnomes in Zurich, too.

Oh, here comes our train.

Oh, yeah. Now, you stay here, Mr Chisholm. With any luck, you should get

train. It'll get you home in time for tea. Bye -bye.

Keep smiling.

I just remember something.

What's that?

Right,

the equaliser that Arsenal scored in the final was credited to Eddie Kelly.

But George Graham always reckoned that he scored it.

Now, Dad was a big fan of Graham, so he's bound to have sided with him. So,

look, we've got number eight there.

Hold it. Who scored the...? Charlie Jewell scored the winner, didn't he?

Yeah, that's right. Number 11.

Look, it fits.

That's it. You've done it. You've cracked it.

What are you going to do now, then?

Oh, I don't know.

My plans were always with Mark.

Come on, you'll get over it.

It might take a few years, but you'll get over it.

I'm glad you're here, Terry.

Yeah,

I'm glad I'm here too.

Terrific. Oh, come on.

I mean, be sensible.

The two of us can take you any time.

Well, you're welcome to have a go.

All right.

I'm a police officer.

All right, then.

Arrest me.

Arthur.

Am I in trouble? Oh, shut up.

Go on, then.

What, what, what?

Kick him. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, it is.

Sit down and shut up, right?

Come on, Dainey.

Use your loaf.

I'm afraid you've lost that.

Well, no hard feelings, eh?

Not a hard feeling, eh?

Don't you switch, I don't know what!

Follow Broadway!

Go on, Princess.

Are you all right?

I'm feeling very, very hurt.

Here we are again.

No word of a lie, Arthur here was hanging on the outside of the train,

you, son? He'll do anything to get out of buying a drink.

Look, as I've already explained, this huge American ice cream grabbed hold of

me. Chuck me up against the door. Tell him about the gun. I'm coming to that.

With a silencer.

How boozed were you at this stage, Arthur?

Boozed, Arthur?

Hardly touched a drop.

Listen, tell him about the fight with a 90 -year -old.

Oh, be fair, Terry, you wasn't a day over 80.

I don't see the point in raking over ancient history with you two

snide remarks all the time.

All in all, Arthur, taking everything into consideration, would you say you

a value for money holiday?

Oh, very fair, Dave, very fair. I mean, considering I was practically brown

bread.

Oi, oi.

She's a man from Interpol.

Oh, good.

How reassuring.

To find our indigenous British scum back in its natural habitat.

Grotty drinker in West London.

Where's that thinker?

Come to pay me back my one on Mr Chisholm?

Mr Chisholm found himself financially embarrassed on foreign soil.

And I couldn't let him starve.

All right, Tony, that'll do.

I am, as it happens, in a position to repay you the sum of £100.

91, 92, 93. Yes, yes, and here is five in coins.

95, 100.

What, no beads?

Well, well, well.

Mr. Aycott.

Some sort of financial transaction going on, Charlie?

Thank you, Mr. Chisel.

Nice to do business with you.

So we're all square about the video recorders, right?

You shut it, McCann.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What are you driving at, Rycott?

Perhaps you can tell me, Charlie.

I'll tell you this, Sergeant Rycott. If you so much as hint that I'm taking cash

payments from Arthur Daly, I... You're what?

Give me a backhander?

Oh, did you hear that, Mellish? A backhander. Oh, very droll, Guff. Right,

Rycott. I'll be looking for an opportunity to wipe that smile off

God the police are going to have a fight.

Yeah, well, it's the cutbacks, you see.

I mean, they've cut out the middleman now and are bashing each other up.

Arthur, Rycott has still got that subpoena.

Try the back door.

This is the last time I'm going to put up with his unprofessional behaviour in

public place. We'd better settle this outside, darling.

You suggest we go and fight on the public street?

What's the matter? Don't you think you can handle it? I can handle a clown like

you with one hand tied behind my back. What?

Oh,

God almighty!

I am finished with you, Rycock Jones.

I think our policeman are wonderful.