Original subtitles

Be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Be so good for

you.

Love you like you want me to.

Terry, tell him, please, not to forget the paperwork I mentioned.

Yeah, all right.

You ready?

Prepared, Terry, prepared.

Andrew's waiting in the car.

Oh, he said don't forget that paperwork you mentioned.

Well?

I'm not even going to ask.

In that case, I'll educate you.

Oh, no. The first thing you've got to remember, Terry, above everything else,

Personal appearance, my son.

Go on then, I'm freezing.

Terry! Terry!

What's that? What's that?

It's Arthur.

Well,

where is he tonight? Lift.

Lift? Yeah.

Oi, you all right, son?

Come on, come on. On your plates. That's it, that's it.

What happened?

Oh, it's Beth you shouldn't know.

Where is that?

Another drink, Dave, please. Not conversation.

You can always appeal again, can't you?

Oh, no.

No, this is it.

Ruined. Financial catastrophe. You are fired.

Oh, thank you. Do you know, I do my best. But every time there has to be a

little tax, I'm fired. A little tax?

20 grand immediately or I'm nicked. Oh, come on. I don't know what you're going

on about.

It's the first time that you've had to pay more than the pittance in the last

five years that I know of. Ten. Yeah, you must have done three times what

going to pay him. Five.

You know, as an accountant, Andrew, you make a very good assassin.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish I had half of what I've saved you over the years.

Can't have helped much. You've got an interest on her.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Turn up in a Savile Row whistle, gold kettle on me wrist, silk shirt and

from Germing Street, pair of handmade St Louis, and then persuade a man I'm a

pauper? Arthur, they're not mugs, these people, you know. I mean, they get

merchants like you in every day with stories like that, don't they?

Look, they've got to have some idea of your income, right?

So they can start immediately that you're a wrong -un who's trying to make

he's a dosser. I mean, stupid they are not.

It has worked before.

But that is before Humphrey Greystone.

Up for you. A direct descendant of that Spanish Inquisition mob, aren't they?

Well,

the man is a zealot.

I've had these things with him before for other clients.

Horror stories, I could tell you. He does not believe your sincerity to pay

until you go bankrupt. Not that word, please.

Yeah, but why has he suddenly got lumbered with this Humphrey geezer?

Humphrey geezer is about to retire, and he's taken it upon himself to leave the

inland revenue with his image intact.

What image?

As a tenacious and rapacious hunter of tax evaders. Of hoiders.

Hoiders. Her indoors ain't going to be too happy about getting rid of all the

jewellery and furs, eh? I don't want to add to your troubles, Arthur, but there

have been a couple of phone calls.

The sound hand said he wants a grand, you owe him, for goods various.

This is not the best of timing, Dave.

Ready to fly?

He needs payment for two motors you had off him last week. It's cruel.

It's cruel.

There's only one way out of this problem, Arthur.

What's that?

Chop yourself.

I don't know what you're laughing for.

You can't be serious.

I'm deadly serious, with the emphasis on the dead.

Chop yourself? You?

No, Dave's quite right.

It's the only way.

Arthur, it's ridiculous.

We'll see.

No, you've got to be on a wind -up, haven't you?

What do you think, eh?

More chance of being struck by lightning.

Mind you, he did go up to Samaritans, you know.

You joking? No.

They hung up on him.

Sounds about right.

Hotel.

Oh, Freddie.

Off for a boat, is he?

Off? No, no. I don't know where he is, mate.

Might try the mortuary.

Yeah. Or the river.

It's difficult, isn't it? It's a... Pardon?

Choosing the appropriate... Oh, well, yes, as a matter of fact... A loved one,

was it?

Loved one?

Oh, yes, I suppose he has been very close to me.

All my life.

Very close.

Relative? Yes, it is, isn't it?

Yes.

Yes, indeed.

May one ask... Is the departed to be interred or cremated, sir?

Oh, that's difficult to answer, because he hasn't decided yet.

I see, he's not yet.

May one inquire how long? Or the usual length, six feet should do it.

Perhaps I should just show you our brochure. No, no, no, that won't be

necessary. What I was wondering was, say there were no remains, so to speak,

is there a procedure whereby one has to purchase a thingy to

authenticate the fact that... No, I don't think I'm making myself clear, am

If it's all right with you, sir, I'll just get the senior partner.

He's very understanding about pre -bereavement shock.

No, I don't know where he is, no.

No, I haven't seen him myself for a couple of days.

Well, send him a bill. It's nothing to do with me.

No, I don't know where he lives, all right?

You can send Mr Daly in now, Manny.

Ah, Mr Daly, nice to see you again.

Nice to see you.

All right, Harvey?

Well, as well as could be expected under the circumstances, Mr Muir.

The strength of commercial pressure takes its toll, you know. Oh, yes, yes,

does indeed.

But no problem with the forces of law and order this time, I hope?

No, no, no, not exactly.

No, it's more of a personal matter.

Uh -huh.

There is a time in the affairs of man when, if taken at the flood...

You know, what I'm trying to say is the tide is out.

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you. The fact is, I am here to make my last will

and testament.

Oh, I see.

Nothing... I mean, I trust it isn't any physical problem that has decided you on

this? No, no, no.

It's more your mental condition.

Why do I have to be here, eh?

Friendship, Terry.

Friendship and, I would hope, understanding.

You've got to be mental if you think this is going to solve your problems.

Terry, please.

Look, dying is a serious business.

And as a personal favourite to me, I would like you to treat the subject with

some respect.

If not for me, for those who are going to be left behind.

Well, I'm sure your creditors will be deeply moved by your departure.

Oh, that's another thing. I'm relying on you to pick up any monies outstanding

to me when I'm gone and make sure Ernie Dawes cops it.

Am I listening to this?

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Terry.

It tolls for the independent entrepreneur.

Forced across the Stygian Ferry by the evil conglomerates of bureaucracy.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

To select a point of departure.

Somewhere symbolic.

Dignified. You?

Where more poignant than the roof of the Inland Revenue.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh, no, I do not like the idea of that, Terry.

I could change my mind halfway down and then what would happen?

You're not going down, are you? No, you're right. I'm being driven.

Oh, do we have to go through all this codswallop? Look, look, Terence.

It's a time like this a man needs to take stock of his life.

Has it been meaningful?

Has it been worthy?

Has it been honest in a world bent on greed and corruption?

Honest? You?

I like to think it has. Do what? Will it?

Will it?

And I'm sure I'm right to answer in the affirmative.

Will it leave some...

Small, honourable mark on a wall of time.

Oh, no, I'd rather leave a big honourable mark all over the pavement.

I guess you wouldn't understand.

You never had to struggle to get a crust on the black market with bombs falling

all round.

Oh, that again.

You've always been cosseted too much.

You'd have someone else look after your welfare.

Someone like me.

You? I did bird down to you.

That's right. Taunt me with that.

Talk to me about that, never mind all the handouts I gave you.

Girl abuse.

Bury the obnail.

Go on, jump.

Terry!

You see, Terry, when you've grafted hard all your life trying to tuck away a

modest little nest egg to protect yourself against the ravages of

the infirmities of senior citizenship... Yeah, yeah, yeah. ..and all that

against yods, dependents, thieves, charlatans, well, naturally you feel a

outrage when that... Nest egg is seriously looted by the inland revenue.

Just to pay for nuclear warheads and junkets for MPs.

Arthur, the tax ran only after 20 grand. Only? Only 20 grand?

Like a Rockefeller. No, Terry, that 20 large ones is just the start. They mean

to pauperise me.

Even if I ended up sleeping on the embankment, they'd come and nick the

newspapers off me back.

Oh, there comes a time when a man has got to make a stand.

Is this the main line?

I think so, yeah.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Killed me.

I thought that was the idea.

Not like that.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

Perfect. Perfect.

God give me strength.

Thank you.

There you are, my dear. Paid for by the gentleman over there at the bar.

Hello, Freddie.

Hey, you seen Harper about, don't you? You are far from the first person to ask

me that question, and he answers it now.

You know where he lives, don't you? I'm afraid not. I don't think anybody knows

where Harper lives.

Terry must.

I haven't seen much of him lately, either.

Are you buying?

No. Then you're buying.

Ours has been a rewarding friendship, Terence. I have never let you down, you

know that.

Of course I do, Arthur. Well, I hope you remember it in the days to follow, and

do everything I've asked you to.

And that is the last request of a man about to take that step, well, more of a

plunge, in order to shake off the shackles of this mortal coil, so to

into that great dark unknown alone.

Totally alone.

I'm just stunned.

I never thought for a second he'd actually do it.

I wish it was me that owed him money.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, it's bleeding lovely, isn't it? What?

The man's only been brown bread three minutes and all you can worry about is

poxy dough he owed you.

Don't get me wrong, Till.

Harper would be the first to understand there's no sentiment in business.

I don't know. I'm feeling very sentimental about that number of ways he

And me about the monkey I had coming.

Well, I for one don't give a damn about the slate he hasn't settled up with me.

I shall miss Arthur and all his little strokes.

Yeah, he was a one -off, all right. I mean, and when you think about it, we're

all going to be better off. I mean, in the long run, we're all going to end up

saving money, aren't we? You've got to give the man credit for that.

Best drink to Arthur.

To Arthur.

This is on Arthur's slate, isn't it, Dave?

Let's have a little respect, young man.

Oh, Mr Chisholm.

If only the devil could cast his net, eh, Jones?

I go.

What is it?

You all look like you've bought something off Arthur Daly.

It's Arthur Daly who has bought him schism. How's that?

Arthur is no longer with us.

What?

Hasn't been nicked on some other manner, has he?

He's dead, you...

Suicide note.

I, Arthur Edward Daly, being of sound if tormented mind, having been persecuted

by this penal tax system that punishes the honest entrepreneur, harassed

unjustly by certain police officers, if this gesture can help the cause of the

persecuted... Mike McCann, where is he?

Do you have trouble reading or something? The only thing I believe in

is the date. Now, where is he and what's he up to?

It says here, girl, that no body's been discovered as yet.

Oh, really?

Jones!

You do realise, I hope, Mr Beadle, that technically you have committed an

offence?

Really? In what way?

You shouldn't have touched this letter!

Let alone read and publish, Sain.

For we, the proper authorities, have decided it would not jeopardise any

investigation. Investigation? To the circumstances of this so -called

Police were informed.

After you copied the letter.

Are you telling me that you suspect foul play, Sergeant?

I'm not telling you anything, Mr. Beadle.

Except that where Arthur Daly is concerned, everything is what it seems

Very suspect.

Sergeant Chisholm.

You wouldn't happen to be one of the police officers Mr. Daly referred to in

that suicide note, would you?

There you go.

John. Call me John. All right, John.

And you are?

Dave. Well, Dave, as I was saying, there's a really good human interest

here. You know, something that the public can sympathise with.

Big brother's indifference to the little man, that sort of thing.

Arthur didn't have a big brother.

The state.

Bureaucracy. All right, yeah.

Mrs Daly was very helpful. She put me on to you.

But she wasn't very informative about your friend. I imagine she's still in

shock, poor woman.

We all are. But if you'd have known Arthur, you'd realise what unbelievable

pressure he must have been under to do what he did.

Exactly, Dave. Exactly. And that's why this angle, aspect, needs publicly

airing. Your late friend made the ultimate sacrifice. He deserves that at

The ultimate sacrifice.

You're right.

So, er...

Any background you can give me.

Well, you were a bit... A bit what?

Well, not exactly sympathetic like, you know. The woman is Arthur Daly's wife.

Has been for a number of years.

You seriously think she isn't part of the conspiracy?

What conspiracies, I think?

Keep it up, Jones.

Keep it up.

A what? A memorial collection?

For Arthur? Yeah, I thought we could donate the dough to his favourite

What was that, then? The Royal Association for Retired Entrepreneurs. R

-E. Rare.

It's been rare. It don't exist.

It does. I've often heard Arthur talk about it.

Well, all right, then. We could club together and buy him an headstone.

With no body to stick under it.

Well, a small monument, then. I don't know. Say... Say a bust of Arthur with

hat on and a cigar jammed in his mouth and a few suitable words ramped

underneath. You know, like Arthur Daly, king of the duckers and divers.

Are you mugging me?

Of course not, I'm serious.

Quite a few of the chaps have already promised to put in.

Who's going to contribute?

Well, I'll tell you what, who's doing the collecting then?

Well, I don't mind, unless you want to do it. Me? No, no, no, I've got too much

to sort out here.

Well, then?

Well, then what?

Well, how much do you want to put in the pot?

Oh, well, how much is everyone else putting in? A couple of nifties, the odd

pony.

Well, hold on.

There you go.

A tenner?

Yeah, well, you was closer to half of it than anybody.

And that's all I've got.

All right, mate. No -one wants you to skint yourself.

Listen, if that don't end up where it's supposed to, I'm going to break your

legs, you know that, don't you?

Oh, look at that. Of course it will.

Here, how come you're taking the prices off?

Her indoors asked me to.

I was just inquiring how you found luncheon, Mr. Black.

Oh, quite easily, Mrs. Mount. It was placed on the table in front of me.

Oh, very witty, Mr.

Black. In accord with you being a writer.

Oh, it must be fascinating.

Yes, yes, it does have a certain je ne crois pas. Oh, sorry.

Bilingual.

Might one inquire exactly what it is one writes, Mr. Black?

Words, you know.

Novels? Yeah, them and all.

Goodness me. You must excuse me. I have to get back to the muse.

Fascinating.

You bastard. You're no good, boss.

I just should have known you... How could you do this, eh?

I mean, have me believe in it.

I should have known, of course.

You wait till I get hold of you. That's all. You just wait. Listen, instead of

this torrent of verbal abuse, I would have thought a note of joyous surprise

would have been more in order.

Dismay, dignity, and stoic forbearance in this, your tragic loss.

I mean, if you were convinced, everyone else would be, wouldn't they?

Convinced? I... Listen, do you know something?

We had a wake for you at a Winchester, didn't we?

A wake?

Did you really?

Tell me, Terry, who was at this wake? Have you read the papers?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not worried about that.

Tax inspectors read papers. Nice little convincer, wasn't he?

Arthur, don't talk directly at me.

Pretend to be reading your paper. I am reading my newspaper.

But what is all this, eh?

I mean, why can't we meet in a pub or something?

You look like Groucho Marx. Shh, Terry.

I'm trying to be incognito. Don't nauseate.

I could be recognised, rabbiting with you.

Disguise or no disguise. Oh, my God.

Do you see the way she looked at me as if she knew me?

Arthur, if you insist on behaving like one of the ten most wanted, everyone's

going to have a second look, aren't they?

What do you mean, Groucho Marx?

You know, Sidney, I imagine a really keen police officer could find almost

anything he wanted to amongst all this stuff.

Is that a threat, Mr Chisholm?

Let's just call it an observation for now, shall we?

And I'm saying if I was pulled a stroke like you're suggesting to get out of

paying me my wedge, you'll be among the first to know.

Come on, Jones.

Justine's doing that for me?

Oh, that's nice.

You certainly find out who your friends are when you're dead, Terry.

Yeah, well, when you come back to the land of the living, I want my 25 quid

back. No, no, no. Come to think of it, I want it back now.

And my out -of -pocket expenses.

Well, I can't deny I'm not a little hurt that you consider my memory worth only

a mere pony.

How much has he collected so far?

Yes, of course, Mr. Daly. I'll be only pleased to help in any way I can.

Well, we all have to go on living, don't we?

She asked me to take the prices off all the motors and make sure she had all the

MOTs and logbooks. Aye. Oh, yeah, and any relevant account or bits of paper

have got anything to do with running the car lot. Yeah, well, why would she do

that? I don't know. I could hardly ask her, could I?

Maybe she's selling up.

Selling up my car lot?

Well, if you hadn't stuck her name down for so many things to dodge paying

taxes, she couldn't do it, could she? That is not the point. I've only been

a week.

What difference does that make? What difference?

It's indecent ace. That's what it is.

She couldn't. She wouldn't. She must be suffering from the most terrible shock.

Look, I want you to go and see her and find out what she's up to.

Oh, all right, yeah. I'll give her your regards while I'm at it, shall I? Yeah.

No, don't be silly. How can you do that?

Exactly. It's none of my bleeding business, is it? And she'll be the first

to tell me.

And I don't understand why you can't let her in on what's happening. I'd love

to, Terry, but I dare. The slightest bit of aggro from Plod or the tax people

and she'd crack up and give the game away.

I mean, she's a good woman, but she's, you know, not very bright up here.

Oh, but she's your wife, for God's sake. And you're conning her into thinking

you're dead.

Yeah, I know. It's dreadful that she should have to endure this terrible

of loss.

And that also applies to my other friends who loved and respected me.

they're definitely feeling a sense of loss, they are. I tell you what, I tell

you what. Get hold of my accountant, Andrew, a bit cunning.

He'll know what's going on.

I don't want my death to ruin my living.

Terry, look, I know that you and Arthur were muckers.

Well, friends, mates, chums, close.

But I have to ask you, what business is it of yours?

Yeah, well, we're also sort of partners, you know. I was just wondering. Yeah,

but no disrespect intended.

I mean, in a business sense, you were never really Arthur's partner.

All I want to know is whether her endorse is selling the car lot.

Oh, yes. Now, Terry, um... Terry, let me ask you something. Now, do you know

what is meant by breach of confidence?

Well, yeah, but, I mean, this has got nothing to do with that. Good, good. I'm

so glad. Because you will appreciate that I'm a professional man and I have

work within a professional code of ethics.

Please. Thank you.

Terry, do you want me to put myself on offer?

Eh? Oh, no, sorry.

I mean, place myself within the frame.

Do what?

Look, do you want me to ruin my reputation by imparting privileged

No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Look, you are Arthur's accountant, right?

No, no, no, no. Was Arthur's accountant.

Was.

Now I'm handing the account... For his widow.

I'm sure Arthur, God rest his soul, would want it that way.

Now, as an honourable man, what can I do?

Yeah, well, if you think about it, I mean, what difference is it going to

if I know or not, eh?

None at all.

Say, why are you asking?

I just want what Arthur owes me. It's only right.

Well, you're going to have to wait until he estates himself then, aren't you?

Part of which is this lot, right?

which can't be touched until the court or whoever decides what goes where. So

I'll take a bit of gear in lieu, if you fridges are telling yous to know.

Me?

I'm warning you, Tel. If you and Arthur are doing all this just to try and

not... Look, I'm never surprised you said all right.

Mr Blair?

You're in occupation.

I'm so sorry, I did knock and call. I just wanted to check that Maida tidied

room. Yes, yes, it's all very nice, thank you.

Oh, you're creating.

Fascinating. Just a few rough notes. For your new novel?

It must be.

Do you normally use hotel stationery to... Yes, yes.

I expect you'll think that I'm terribly inquisitive, but I wonder if I might

just have... Oh, no, no. It is very rough, and I do have to do a lot of

polishing. Oh.

I'd consider it... consider it a deep privilege to be allowed to see how a

professional writer works. Oh.

I do a bit myself, actually.

Oh, really?

Poetry. Oh.

I don't know if it's any good, of course.

Perhaps I could persuade you to give me an opinion.

Oh, well, yes, yes.

Oh, would you?

That would be wonderful.

You're so kind.

May I?

Well, yes, why not?

As a matter of fact, read it out aloud.

Aloud? Yes. It helps us in the trade to get what we call the rhythm

of the nuances.

Oh. If you follow my meaning.

Yes, it is, it is.

In memory of our dearest friend and benefactor, whose tragic and untimely

has left her indoors and his many, many friends bereft, distraught

and burdened forever with grief.

May those who persecuted this noble and unselfish man not go unpunished for

taking diabolical liberty.

Oh, it's an obituary.

Oh, no, no, no. It's more your in memoriam.

It's a tragic postscript to one of the characters in my book.

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

I don't see anything.

Well, I think that leaves only a few minor details to be settled with regard

the rest of the properties.

We do what we can, Mr Bion. Indeed.

I'm sure Mr. Daly would have been the first to say that everyone must do what

one can to help those left behind.

Absolutely, Mr. Muir, absolutely.

Incidentally, have you seen today's paper? No.

Oh, OK.

Paper two.

Don't you think you've gone a bit strong, have you? Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. I mean, this bit about...

Arthur being an honest businessman who would always do someone a good turn

before he did them a bad one.

Well, it depends how you read that, eh?

Anyway, watch it, man, I'm not exaggerating a bit.

Arthur was a lot less dodgy than most of us gets in here.

And why run the man down now he's a goner?

That's terrific, isn't it? What's that?

Yeah, look.

When asked about Mr Daly's posthumous allegations, Detective Sergeant Albert

Chisholm, a local police officer, declined to comment.

Oh, dear old law.

You'll be wearing a beard and a cloak next. You seen the papers?

Who hasn't?

Where'd they get that picture of me?

I know, I know. I didn't give it to them. See, you thought I was over the

with the bins and the tash, didn't you? But I was quite right to take the

cordons, as usual.

As usual. Of course you were, Arthur.

When we're exposed like this, call me Mr Black.

Mugshot in the media. God, where would I be now?

Oh, incidentally, Mr Black, her indoors has been asking about the car.

Oh? Why?

You borrowed it off the lot, didn't you? So?

So she's got a logbook and no motor. She thought it'd been nicked. She hasn't

reported it as stolen, has she? No, no, no. I told her that I thought you'd put

it in for repair somewhere. Before you, uh... Well, get it. Come on. I want to

know what's been happening.

Pieces you've been doing on the suicide. Very good.

Thanks.

Competition's latching onto it.

Yeah. I'd noticed.

This could become a runner.

Even an issue.

But I want the edge.

You can get some sort of statement from this.

Tax inspector, what's his name? Humphrey Greystone.

Yeah, that's it.

Where do our sympathies lie with this?

Well, I don't imagine many of our readers enjoy paying taxes.

I'm not sure that this daily character's not a material.

It can be whatever we want to make him.

Nine day wonder, Terence. Nothing to get in a flap about.

Who's in a flap?

I mean, it's 2 ,000 years since someone came back from the dead, isn't it?

I mean, we're well overdue for another one. Yeah, I must say, I'm not all that

thrilled having my boat on offer.

But you see, tomorrow, I'll be yesterday's news.

And meanwhile, at the tax office, my file will be shelved under defunct,

deceased, done for.

Arthur, I'm beginning to think you really have gone loopy.

What do you think Chisholm's going to do when you suddenly turn back up on the

manor? What can he do?

What about conspiracy to deceive, for instance? Yeah, he's got to prove it.

No, I've got a plan.

An overall strategy.

Yeah. So did Hitler.

And he had a real moustache.

Come on, then, what is it?

No, no, it's all in the development stage at the moment.

Like your brain?

There's nothing wrong with my brain, Terence. I didn't get where I am today

being... What's his name?

Yeah, come on, tell us, what did you find out about the car lot?

And, uh, how's my memorial collection going?

I ain't putting no tenner into no memorial farm for Arthur. It's his lot,

she'll be giving me money.

Right, I'll remember that, Sid, when they come round collecting for you.

Yeah, yeah. Do you want my opinion? I think it's a load of old cobblers. I

Harper's about as dead as you are. Come on, Justin.

Sid's got a point, hasn't he? I mean, Harper's leaping in the river like that.

It's got to be hard to believe, hasn't it? You've had chisels and bends in your

ear as well, ain't you? Ain't we all?

Well, I believe it, Justin.

And there's a score towards it. Nice one, Freddy. Well, that's a couple of

motors when it comes to friendship.

But the man is my accountant.

Was your accountant, which he made a point of emphasising.

I smell treachery, Terry.

Treachery and deceit. Funny that. I didn't know ghosts had a sense of smell.

You made a vow to me on my dying day that you'd look out for my interests.

was a sacred oath.

And I want you to find out what's going on. Mark, will you get it into that

thick head of yours? There's nothing I can do.

I want you to bung that in the Times in Memoriam column.

You're kidding, aren't you? No.

All the top civil servants read the Times death columns so they know how to

for promotion.

Well? What do you think?

This noble and unselfish man.

Credibility, Terry. That is the name of the game.

Whose tragic

and untimely death has left her indoors.

Now, her indoors.

And then when Harold, that was my husband, passed over, I decided to sell

big house and have this part of the hotel converted into my own private

quarters. Very sensible.

Now, where did I put it? Oh, there they are.

I call them poems from the heart.

Oh, strong stuff.

Your patience, strong stuff.

Well, shall we sit down while you read them, Mr Black?

Oh, yes.

It does seem so silly to keep calling you Mr Black when we're so, well,

a common interest, you might say.

What does the G stand for?

Oh, sorry.

G Black, your Christian name. Oh, yes, Graham Black.

Graham Black.

Yes, it does have a sort of literary ring to it, doesn't it? Yes, yes, it

yes. I expect you'll think I'm very ignorant, Graham.

Not at all, Mrs Mount.

Do call me Daphne.

Daphne. Only, is that the name you write under? Because I don't seem to have...

Not that I get a lot of time for reading. No, that is perfectly

Daphne. You see, I write under what we call nom de plumages.

Colours, mostly.

Black, white.

Juice. Green.

Green? Oh, you're Graham Green.

No, no, no, I ain't got E on the end.

You were right, though.

It's got to be a right dummy to believe that. I don't see why.

Come on.

It's a lovely place for a meet, this, isn't it? Well, what do you expect with

boat all over the front pages?

Oxford Circus?

But it was you who said don't get in a flat, wasn't it?

It was you who said nine -day wonder. All right, all right. Can I help it if I

modestly underestimated the attention my tragic demise would attract?

That's nothing to the attention your reincarnation's going to attract, is it?

All right, all right, all right. The trauma of my own death caused the odd

of judgement.

But what could I do?

I mean, the die has been burnt, the bridge has been cast.

Anyway, it may be dodgy, but it's not totally out of control.

You could have fooled me. No, no, I can see it still has its advantages.

In no way...

Can my passing be ignored by the horrible Humphrey Greystone?

No. And in no way can your reappearance be ignored by Chief of Charlie Chisholm.

Sergeant Chisholm. Sergeant.

Can you confirm or deny the allegation?

Who are one of the officers involved in harassing Mr Lee? Well, of course, we're

holding their own internal inquiry.

The lock -up for sale?

My goods and chattels? That's what it looks like, yeah.

When?

Next week.

Terry, what is going on?

I don't know. Look, all I know is what I hear and what I hear, and it ain't

much, I tell you.

I don't think I feel very well.

Well, own up. I mean, whoever heard of a corpse feeling too lively, eh? No, no,

no, Terry, please. Not at a time like this.

Now, we're talking about timing. I think there's something else you ought to

know. What's something else?

Well, Dave told me that Joe, you know that estate agent who gets in the

Yeah, yeah. Told him.

Told him what?

It's probably not right, but it's, um... Well, it's about your flat.

My flat?

Yeah, you see, um... This other mate of Joe's who's an estate agent as well, he

told him that he heard, you know, that, um...

Her indoors have put it up for sale.

My home?

Yeah, and she's been making inquiries about retirement villas in Spain.

Ah, there you are, Gap.

Sergeant Brightcott suggested I throw you this. Said it might amuse you.

Show me what?

A death column.

There's one there for Arthur Daly.

Gave me the impression he was being a bit sarcastic, you know.

Sergeant Ray Cutter, you mean, of course.

Oh, and the Sioux powers, the Sioux.

Something about making a statement to the press?

I want it stopped, Terry, and you're the one who's going to have to do it.

Me? Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? Put a court order on anybody who knows, eh? In your

name? They all think you're dead.

Yeah, but they haven't found a body, have they? There hasn't been an inquest.

And one thing you can do right away...

Get hold of Justine and a van and shift all the stuff out of the lock -up round

to his place.

Justine, are you kidding?

He'll sell it quicker than the auctioneer. Listen, a man who is

caring enough to get up a collection in my memory is a man to be trusted, Terry.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, the next time we meet, it better be in the hotel room.

I'd better stay well tucked out of the way for now.

If you get pulled by that poetess telling you from a publisher, come to

a manuscript, all right? I'll be in my room.

That'd be the nice one with the rubber walls, wouldn't it?

Hold on, Sid.

What? I don't know about this, you know.

You don't really believe Arthur's dead, do you?

Oh, no.

You could have it right, Sid. I mean, dead or not, this still comes down to

breaking and entering. So how else are we to get out of that, eh?

Eh?

Get on with it.

On with it.

Oh, there you are, Graham.

Oh. Of course I heard you come in.

There's something I'd like to discuss with you. Oh, well, I'm rather busy at

moment. Have you been reading the newspapers recently?

Newspapers? Yes, there's been this story about some man who's committed suicide

due to harassment from the police and the inland revenue.

I only mention it because there's a picture of him. I don't know why, but

some reason he does remind me of you.

Me? Yes, there's a certain similarity about the face.

wouldn't you say?

I see what you mean.

A sort of double ganger.

Who would have thought it?

Well, I certainly wouldn't, Graham.

Or should I call you Arthur?

I'm not a vindictive woman, even though you did try to make a fool of me with

all that stuff about being a writer.

Oh, no, I really did like the limericks.

Very good.

As I was saying, I am not a vindictive woman, and I don't like paying my taxes

any more than anybody else.

But I do have my pride, upon which I put rather a high price.

I'm sure you understand.

Perhaps you'd like a little time to think it over.

Shall we stay later this afternoon?

I think it's enough, don't you?

We are storming it a bit.

Don't tell me. Tell him.

Oi, you two, come and have a bushes at this.

Well, I'm sorry, mate, I'm not interested.

But why not?

Dave here tells me you were closer to Arthur than most.

Yeah, and Dave should know better than sticking my name up to reporters. Sorry,

Joe, I didn't think you'd mind. I mean, he is sort of putting Arthur aside,

isn't he? No, that's great, that's terrific.

But I don't want my name and my face all over the front pages, thank you very

much. Now, you do what you've got to do, but leave me out, all right? Listen,

Terry, I understand how you feel. I've been a reporter a long time, and I'm not

stupid. And I've done my research on Arthur, so...

The man was a bit of a scallywag.

But then we all have to be in this day and age to survive.

And there's a positive side to what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Listen, I know we can be a bit party, Dan, but we're also a major influence in

stopping those who govern us from getting too complacent or dictatorial.

well, it suits you, yeah.

Sure. But in this case, a certain tax inspector, a one Humphrey Greystone,

not be retiring prematurely, and reading between the lines, that means

resigning, if it wasn't for us.

I haven't read that. No, you won't for a few days. It's not official yet.

Terry, phone.

It seems his master, the none -too -pleased with the embarrassing and

publicity, has brought to the department.

Here you go.

Hello.

Terry.

It's me.

Andrew.

Yes, I'm at Arthur's lock -up.

There's been a break -in. There's quite a lot of stuff missing.

Well, what are you doing here, anyway?

I'm round the air, because I came to check the inventory I asked you to make

Yeah, for a sale you didn't tell me about.

I just do as my client instructs me to. The thing is, I've called the police.

You did what?

Yeah, well, they are here now, and I think they want to talk to you about it.

Well, I don't want to talk to them.

He's a bit reluctant.

Can this Detective Sergeant Chisholm I want to talk to you here or at the nick?

The choice is yours.

Well, how about it, Terry?

Sorry, mate, I've got a deadline to meet. I'll see you later, Dave.

So, all right, I took a bit of gear in lieu of payment. I only nicked back what

was mine in the first place. You took a bleeding liberty, Sid, and you know it.

Well, I don't think so.

Don't you?

Well, Chisholm thinks it's down to me. I should have known it was you, useless

leg. Ron and Albert had their bit, too.

And it ain't me, useless leg.

Arthur ain't dead.

You know, and now we know it.

Oh, yeah? What's that supposed to mean, then, that? It means you shouldn't have

left little notes in Hotel Stationery in Arthur's lock -up.

Arthur screwed us, and we screwed him. Did he?

Arthur, it's me, Terry.

Oh, thank God you're here, Terry. Come in, I've got a problem.

Listen, you know the bird who owns this place, the one I told you about? She

touched me out.

She's not the only one. I think she's going to try and put the black on me.

I'm going to do the offman in the hope that they won't believe I went... What

did you say?

I said she's not the only one.

Sidron and Albert, they know and all. Oh!

Well, you know that thing you wrote, the little memorial thing? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I found it in from the lock -up, didn't I? So?

Well, the fact is, those three flags only broke into your lock -up and turned

over, didn't they? What?

Yeah, they nicked half your stock, said you owed it to them. Those dogs!

I want the maimed, Terry.

Yeah, the thing is, you see, they found some of that Eddie Notepaper, you know,

for the Times, with your little reminder written underneath.

Well, it don't take a lot to work out, does it? So they know where I am as

Yeah, well, that never occurred to me they'd break into the lock -up.

The real problem might be that, uh, well, I went a bit diddly and I could

spank. Good, good.

Well, what's bad about that?

Supposedly he gets up and he gets on the chisholm.

Oh, my God.

Terry, don't just stand in there. Come on, help me get out of here. Come on,

come on, don't panic. I mean... All right, it's a bit of a slag, but don't

him as a grass. Listen, the man's a grave robber. He'd stop at nothing. Now,

hold on. Look, if he'd done, Susan would have been here by now, wouldn't he?

Now, whatever's happened, you've got to think of a convincing alibi soon.

What do you suggest?

Reincarnation?

Well, listen, from what you say, I mean, the bird who runs this place, I mean,

she might help, right?

If you, uh...

Not doing it.

Amnesia? Yes, poor man.

And his memory hasn't properly returned yet.

Has it, my dear?

Sorry?

Naturally, when I read the papers and I realised, well, I showed them to him.

And it sort of jogged his memory, so to speak.

Oh, dear, he said to me. Poor old Charlie Chisholm.

And he seemed most concerned that I should ring you straight away because of

way the newspapers had so falsely maligned you.

Is it my face?

My clothes?

The way I walk?

Hmm?

Do I look like an idiot?

You seriously expect me to believe it wandered in here?

Nothing more than a wet suit.

A total stranger.

And, you know, you simply took him in, looked after him, without even trying to

contact anyone.

Please don't shout, my residents.

In the first place, I did not know whom to contact.

And in the second, well, I expect you'll think I'm very foolish.

But I am a widow, alone, as you see.

And he did seem...

Well, he is a very nice man.

You won't get away with it, Baggy.

You won't.

Do you hear me?

Mr Chisholm?

Is that you?

Oh, thank God.

I've got to hand it to you, Arthur.

You never cease to amaze me.

Nor me. So what did it cost you to straighten the bird at the hotel?

Oh, she settled for the car I was using.

That all, eh? Nothing else? Yeah, that is all, Terence.

Which reminds me, I will not forgive you for trying to con her indoors into

flogging you in my car lot for less than half its worth. Oh, for you were dead?

I thought I was doing her a favour.

I knew the poor woman would probably need some money on the hurry up, so I

her the best offer I could.

I'll be a friend. I even put in the collection, didn't I, Justin?

That's right, Arthur, you did. And what has become of this collection of mine?

I had a bus made up of you.

You did?

Yeah, Dave's got it. Why don't you show him, eh?

You sure? Yeah, come on, Dave, let's see it. Well, it's just that I can't find a

suitable place to put it, you know.

There you go.

I knew you'd like it, Arthur.

Bird, I know, goes evening classes down the art college. She made it up from a

photo of you out of paper.

You've parted with my memorial collection for that?

Yeah, well, actually, she's reckoned a bit tasty at the old sculpturing game.

Well, I mean, you can see, can't you?

Oh, and there's still the inscription's got to go underneath.

Tell Fultow, didn't you tell? And what did you deem appropriate?

Arthur Daly.

He dealt.

He diddled.

He died.

If you want to I'll change the situation.

Just the wrong location I've got a

good idea If you keep me near I'll be so good

for you I could be so good for you