Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

He has been trying to overtake you for the last two miles.

Yeah, that's the trouble with everyone today, Terry. Hurtling about all over

place. What is this life if full of care? We ain't got time to stand and

It was something I picked up in my leisure time reading.

Is that leisure like in time spent not working? Yeah, of course.

Like me at the moment, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, and what am I doing on my day off?

Helping you move a load of old bangers all around your car lot.

Hunters lose confidence if every day they go by the vehicle's in exactly the

same spot.

Yeah, with trees growing out the bonnet. It'll only take an hour.

What is happening?

Looks like your motors are getting moved quicker than you thought, son.

What?

Right,

you sort them out and dial 999.

Where do I always get the soft jobs, eh?

Hang about.

What's going on here? Don't stand chatting. Eat him.

Oi! What's going on?

Would you be Mr Arthur Daly, proprietor? I would. Will you tell him to stop

waving that car about? That's very nearly a vintage vehicle.

Stop! My name's McIntyre. Oh, yeah? What's the matter? No cars left to steal

Scotland? I am an officer of the High Sheriff of Greater London.

High Sheriff of Greater London?

What are you doing, sorting out all the cowboy car dealers, eh? I don't care if

you're Wyatt Earp.

You cannot come on my property and start making the cars fly about.

Bring it back down.

Take it away.

Terry, get up there and hit that driver.

If I do that, you're likely to have two tonnes of near vintage spread all over

the place. You'll also be served with a writ and charged with assaulting council

employees.

Council? That's right. Look, will you stop that maniac and tell me what this

all about?

You have been compulsory purchased.

Compulsory purchased? This is a notice to enter and this is a notice to treat.

Notice to treat... Look, what are you talking about? Look, I'm a reasonable

Mr Dale. Oh, yeah, I can see that. No sooner is my back turned than you're

snatching my cars up in the air. I'd hate to see you turn nasty.

I will postpone clearance of this site until you go to the town hall and they

explain the situation to you. Fair enough?

Fair enough.

Heads are going to roll. Come on, Terence, town hall.

No, no, hold on, hold on. It's my day off, isn't it? What?

Look, I said I'd come and help you move a few cars, right?

Well, now the nice men from the council are doing it, aren't they?

God, look at the rust on that, eh?

Where?

You looking for someone?

I'm looking for Terry McCann.

You found him.

Hey!

Hey! You can't pop out.

I see.

Are you another of the private junta running this bar then?

That's a mayor's parking space.

Listen, I put the mayor in, I can put the mayor out. Now, what I want from you

is, where is the planning department, legal section?

You'll have to ask about that inside.

Right.

Well, what do you want?

I told you outside.

And I told you outside you cannot park in the mayor's car space.

Well, the sooner I get my business attended to here, the sooner the mayor

park his bought -in Britain Mercedes in his car space.

Yeah, you tell the police there's another illegal immigrant in the mayor's

space, will you? Oh, and you might as well get them to check the number plate,

too. Could be stolen.

Now, sir, which department did you want?

I told you, outside.

My name is Arthur Daly, with an E.

My name is Cook, with an E.

Can I help you, Mr Daly?

Yes, you can, Mr Cook.

Have the Russians taken over?

I beg your pardon?

Have they taken over the town hall?

As someone decided the day on a private businessman is over, are we all going to

end up on a chain gang finishing the M25?

I take it you have called about the council's compulsory purchase order on

car lot?

Got it in one.

On the 14th of August last, you were sent, by recorded delivery, pursuant to

Local Government Miscellaneous Properties Act, Section 16, the

advising of this council's wish to purchase the said property.

I was? You were.

You were also sent Form MR36.

And form 27B.

You failed to reply.

Yeah, but if you sent them recorded delivery, I probably thought they were

parking tickets.

And further take notice that in the event of your failure to give the

information requested within the time specified... Is he a recording?

...or knowingly making any misstatement in respect of such information, you will

be liable on summary conviction to a fine not exceeding £400.

Well, that's a bit out of order. I mean, a dog might have eaten them.

You are sent the same forms a further two times.

Advertisements are also placed in the local press on two separate occasions.

Doubtless your dog ate the newspaper.

I'm making a very careful mental note of your attitude.

Excellent. You were sent a further Section 16 letter, and subsequently you

been sent a notice to treat and a notice to enter.

Of course, you are entitled to adequate and fair compensation for the land which

we've purchased from you.

Ah, no, that is a very valuable commercial site. I would put its value

quarter of a million pounds.

The council value it at 15...

This is nice, isn't it? I obeyed a call of my Prime Minister, put my back to the

wall, my nose to the grindstone, and what do you do?

Nick my car lot.

I demand to see my local councillor. Oh, you can't. Why not? He's dead.

Dead? That's no excuse. He should have dealt with his first.

As I recall, he did. It was his suggestion.

Ironic, really.

Why?

We're going to build a mortuary on your car lot.

You mean I was actually pulling the motors off of the lot?

Not exactly pulling them. More like making them fly.

There you go. All right.

And here he is, the bird man of West London. I'll never doubt you again.

My outrage sensibilities are in need of a double, Dave. Right.

You all said that motor went like a bird, didn't you? Well, seeing is

Don't you worry about that sheriff, Terry. I'll soon settle his nonsense.

out at the half a daily car lot, eh?

That'll be £1 .80.

No, Dave. I'm going to make the ultimate sacrifice.

You're not going to settle your slate, are you?

No, I am not, Dave.

Now, in these dark and difficult times, I'm going to answer the call.

Ask not what your borough can do for you, Terry. What can you do for your

borough? Be what?

You are talking to the independent candidate in the forthcoming council by

-election. Cool.

Now,

have you just signed this nomination form, Dave?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. How much is this going to cost us? No, no, no, no,

no. I just need ten signatures of people who live in this ward, then I can stand

officially. Does this mean that if you get voted in, you'll be our local

councillor? That's right, Dave.

Now, what are you going to do about my drains? They don't have pen and ink. In

the fullness of time, Dave, in the fullness of time. You're just doing this

get back at them for putting that compulsory purchase order on your car

aren't you? You could say that, Terry. I'm collecting signatures for the return

of capital punishment.

Capital punishment?

What about the birch? That as well.

Oh, lovely.

Thank you.

Now, remember, vote for Arthur Daly, your independent law and order

Thank you.

Oh, you don't know anything about politics.

It's not the requirement. All I need is ten signatures.

Go on, get that drink, Daniel. We've got to get this back to the town hall and

get it duly registered.

I don't know. I'm on holiday, remember?

Terry, this is no time to lounge around in Winchester.

Your country needs you.

Hello, love. What?

What do you want?

Gin and tonic, please.

Hi.

Arthur, this is Julie.

Hello. Just have a quick drink and then shoot out and have something to eat.

Great. No, no, no, no. Your place is at my side.

I'm working.

On what?

Well, he's going to be working with me, Mr Daly.

No, no, no, no. We'll talk about this later.

Well, there you go. One Vera and Philharmonic. Sorry?

Gerontonic. Oh.

I told you the last time you can't park here.

Can't? You say can't to the man who's going to drag this borough into the 20th

century? Just who are you? You may well ask.

I only hope for your sake you are a member of a very powerful trade union.

Otherwise, in a few weeks' time, you're going to find yourself on a zebra

crossing without a lollipop.

There are going to be some changes made.

The days of wine and roses are over.

I come to present myself at the bar of public opinion.

I hereby declare my intention to stand as an independent candidate in the

impending war by -election.

I hereby declare that I know of no cause nor impediment that would debar me from

standing as a duly elected candidate.

You've got the wrong department, mate. This is health and sanitation.

You want room 453.

Oh, bloody commissioner, I'll have him.

Who's got Mrs Bunn, the baker's wife?

Are you a British subject?

King and country, Mr Wilkins.

I was under the impression we had a queen.

That too.

It is because I believe that an Englishman's home is his castle that I

standing.

I see.

And have we got a CPO in your castle as well as your car lot?

He's a figure of speech.

Criminal record?

Do I need one to stand for counsellor?

A moot point.

Any person who has served a prison sentence of three months or more in the

five years is disqualified.

You need have no fear on that score.

Well, everything seems to be in order.

A small piece of advice.

Oh, yes?

You're standing for this ward.

I see that your permanent address is outside the ward.

It's an established fact that candidates who actually live in the ward they seek

to represent poll more votes.

Well, there is something I have neglected to tell you.

Ah, my dawn.

You had your locks changed. My tea wouldn't have fit.

It was locked from the inside, wasn't it?

I'm on holiday, remember?

What about a do -not -disturb sign up there and all? Well, never mind about

that. We've got work to do. No, no, no, we haven't. No, I'm keeping. Any drink

about the place?

Hemlock? No, no, too much caffeine in it, Terry.

You should worry about your insides.

I'll have a cup of tea.

My plan is to stand for local council. It's like a flag. Oh, yeah? Her indoors

object, did she?

No, on the contrary, she's delighted.

She sees it as the first step on the way to the House of Commons.

That's one way of looking at it, isn't it? Yeah. You going, Palmer? No, no.

What have you got the cases for, then?

Oh, well, yeah, I am going somewhere, in a manner of speaking. Just for a short

time, you understand, till I get elected.

Where? Here.

Where? Yeah.

Do what? Yeah, residential qualification.

See, I have to live in the ward that I wish to represent.

Hang about, Arthur. I'm not sharing my place with you.

Leave them with it.

That front door is the only bit of safety I've got. When I lock that, I

and all the aggravation on the outside.

Terry, it is only until the election. The moment a result is cleared, I'll be

off back home. Arthur, I don't want you here cocking up my life. Terry, you live

in this ward. I do not.

Either I move in with you till the election or... Or what?

You move in with her indoors.

No, Arthur, no.

Terence, it's less than three weeks. The time will fly by. It always does when

you're enjoying yourself, you know that. We make this the daily HQ.

We won. Campaign headquarters, posters on the wall. Have you gone crack of

something? Campaign colours, election addresses.

All that will have to come down for a start.

It won't. Get off. Leave it alone.

Armies of volunteers.

Half us. Half us.

And this will be my inner sanctum.

My operations room.

We can get the phone put through, isn't it? Terry, this has got to stop.

It hasn't been started yet. Get it out. Get it out.

Get it out. I'm sorry about this, love.

Listen, I've got an idea. Why don't I move out completely, keep myself

for you in the daytime, and I'll sleep on a bench or something, eh? That's very

thoughtful of you, Terry. I knew you'd understand.

Oh, I understand all right.

It's a question of guilt by association.

I mean, if the press got hold of this, my name would be mud.

Oh, yeah? I mean, I can't go storming all over the borough demanding a clean

campaign when there's naked ladies sprawled all over me HQ.

Why don't you tell Arthur what you'd do for a living?

reporter. Oh my god!

Terry?

Terry!

Hello. Yeah, this is Arthur Daly.

Platform or platform?

I travel by car.

Oh, press!

Oh, political platform, yes. I'm hoping to issue a statement within the next few

days. Oh, I hope I can rely on your vote.

Thank you. Goodbye.

I feel a bird doing it. Don't worry, Terry. We'll only use a couple of the

actors this time.

Ricky's working through the routine.

Yes, bud.

You think it's dead and done, innit?

Just a minute.

Just a minute.

Oi.

You've gone mad.

Do what?

My political career's in the balance and you're pointing around to some bird in

the gym.

I told you last night she's doing a series of articles for her paper.

And one of them's on me.

Oh, lovely. The nearly men.

I mean, it's not enough they've got bingo bums and bristles.

We're now going to have an early morning jog down Memory Lane.

Yeah, but it's better than reading about the five stands of Penge, isn't it?

Penge? You mean Shredder, isn't it?

Oh, give us your gloves, though. Cheers. Where are you going?

Over here. Come on, do something useful.

Hold this bag for us.

She's exploiting you, Terry.

You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? Oh, leave it. I've been like a golf

father to you.

At the end of the day, you won't see a penny for it.

No? No.

Sonny, that... She's already given me 200 quid. She what?

Oh! Arthur Daly.

Yes, we've had the slide rule run over him.

What are two interesting vulnerabilities we might be able to exploit?

Really? Like what?

Well, for a man running on the law and order issue, he's dead pretty close to

the wing. Does he now? Anything specific?

Well, there's the used car lot we put the CPO on. Might be a few dodgy MOTs

there. I think we could buy him off if we agreed to drop the CPO.

Hmm, it's worth a try.

But there might be no need.

I gather our Mr Daly's a bit of an entrepreneur.

He dabbles in buying and selling.

Receiving. Well, let's say it's worth talking to our friends in bloom.

No, well, when you're in a ring, you see, you don't think so much about not

getting hurt.

It's more about hurting the other bloke.

Marjorie, it's nothing personal, you know.

Hello? Is that Julie?

Dave here, Winchester Club.

Is Arthur there?

Will you give him a message?

In the last five years, if I need something to get me going, something to

them up, in the last five years, I know.

I have a dream!

How's that sound?

Familiar. Eh?

Well, Martin Luther King said that, didn't he?

Did he?

Got shot.

Yeah, but that was in America, wasn't it?

Point one.

There has been a rise in the cost of living in relation to inflation of

12 .5%. And wages have not kept pace.

Mine haven't, that's for certain.

Listen, what are you mugging up on all that for? I mean, punters around here

don't want to know about that, do they? Terry, never underestimate the stupidity

of your average punter. I mean, look at Harold Wilson. He was always rabbiting

on about the pound in your pocket, and he was Prime Minister.

He didn't go around in poxy black and white rosettes, did he?

Terry, I've told you, the colour is symbolic.

Black and white, the unification of the races.

I come to you as a man of integration.

It's really symbolic, that, isn't it?

Terry!

I bought the job lot after the 1953 Cup final.

I think you must have all these chocolates at the same time. Will you

things alone? I'm hoping to shift those in the near future. Cool. Good luck.

Point two.

There has been a per capita increase in the rates of 120

% over the last five years.

Want a coffee?

Yeah.

Defendant candidate, your law and order representative.

Oh, my, the bloody bumps, Terry, the horse, eh?

Both daily on the 29th.

Miserable sods, I can't see a single one of my posters anywhere.

After I went all the bother of borrowing this van, too.

What do you mean?

A microphone!

What about it?

It's too long!

You look, pull over, Terry, pull over. We go on the knocker. That'll take me

back a few years.

Good area for rag and bones, was it?

Don't forget your footboard. No.

And your pamphlets.

Just keep driving around slowly.

There are vans covered in black and white ribbons.

Wedding ain't the funeral, is it?

Good afternoon, madam. Allow me to introduce myself.

Arthur Daly, your independent candidate.

Sorry, we're all Church of England.

Thank you for your support.

Maybe you should try that stuff about a dream again.

No. Hey, come on, come on, this way. This way, eh? Here, look.

I saw Mike Lester try and do this.

Very good.

Good afternoon, sir. Arthur Daly, your independent candidate in the forthcoming

ward election.

I trust I can rely on your vote?

Just a minute.

That's more like it, Terry.

Pay attention, you might learn a thing or two.

What did you say your name was?

Daly, Arthur Daly, your independent candidate.

I see.

Can I have your address?

All in the leaflet, sir.

And can I rely on your vote?

No.

I just wanted to know where to send the bill for the damage you've just done to

my bloody hedge.

Must be in the reception bar now.

Look, just keep driving, will you?

Look, stop!

Out of it! All right!

All right!

Unbelievable behaviour.

Thank goodness I found you. Hello.

You're all mad.

I mean, who in their right mind would want to represent this lot?

You'd be surprised.

Why are the local council mafia ganging up on Arthur? Because they feel

threatened, my son. They recognise my potential.

Let's have a drink.

What they recognise is the importance of this ward. I did some research after I

spoke to Dave.

And? And this ward holds the balance of power for the entire borough. The

balance of power?

Your council is split right down the middle. 14 Tory seats, 14 Labour seats,

plus this one.

If you were to win, your vote in the council would decide which of the major

parties ruled.

Oh, Terry, I think I know how them early settlers felt in Texas when they struck

oil. Do what?

Your friend has just realised he's sitting on a gold mine.

Just think of the little favours the two parties will do him if he wins.

A little planning consent here, a little contract there. Oh, no, no, and you

judge me too harshly, my dear. I will not deny those thoughts did go through

head. But think of the good I can do.

Who for?

Everyone. The old borough. Put an end to their cabals.

Petty party politics.

I shall be the voice of sanity. The man on the Clapham omnibus. No, no, no, on

the local tube.

Hold on, you've got to get in first, haven't you? And we're fighting

professionals. So? I take the leaf out of the French Royal Families book. What

did they give the starving people to eat?

Snails? Cake, my son, cake.

And what was good enough for Mary Antoinette was good enough for me.

Then look what happened to her.

What?

Chin up.

With the greatest respect, sir, I do know my local villains.

The notion that Arthur Daly is a big -time fence is risible.

Yes, I appreciate that all tip -offs have to be investigated, but Arthur

Very good, sir.

Leave it with me.

Apparently West End Central have received information from what they term

excellent source. On Daly?

They've got him in the first division of dual fencing. He wouldn't make this,

the only... Oh, I know that.

You know that.

So when we turn Daly over, West End Central will know that as well, won't

I must have a word with Arnie about this duff equipment, Terry.

Are you sure this is going to work? Yeah, of course. I've rethought my

campaign strategy.

I feel like Rommel before the Battle of Waterloo.

You mean Wellington?

Oh, Battle of Wellington, whatever.

The word's gone down the line.

The boys in blue will be paying for the visit in the near future.

Think they'll find anything?

I regard it rather as a fishing expedition.

At least it'll ensure our law and order candidate maximum embarrassment in the

middle of his campaign.

I think we ought to ensure that our wonderful police force receive maximum

publicity. I've got an idea.

I'm always happy to talk to the press, Mr Lent.

An in -depth profile on election day would certainly help to get my message

across. Any luck, Julie? You can have the church hall on the 27th.

Excellent bookie. It's going to cost £250.

£250?

I'm running a political rally, not an antique auction.

Finding the going tough, are we? Not as tough as the opposition.

Book it, Julie.

This Seachell fighting is, of course, a marginal.

It is at the moment.

But after the election, it will be a safe seat for independents in this

Can I quote you on that?

Certainly.

For a man brimming with confidence, you don't appear to have a very big backup

staff. Oh, he's got enough backup.

You're Terry McCann, aren't you? That's right.

Saw you fight once.

Story of my life, innit? They all saw me fight once.

No, you were good. What happened?

More tea, Mr Lent.

Got anything strong?

Oh, Julie, you'll find some whiskey in the entertainment and reception area.

That's the kitchen.

Now, Mr Daly, about your polishes. Oh, yes.

What about them? What are they?

Oh, it's all in my...

Election pamphlet. No, no, no. That's the usual stuff about the need for a

efficient spending policy. Lower rent, lower rate. All the parties say that

Why should the voter single you out?

What makes you... special?

Why don't I just bring you the bottle?

What a good idea.

What makes him special is that he's independent, see?

You don't have to answer to the tow rags who run this bar. Thank you very much,

Terry. That is off the record, Mr Lent. What Terence means is I am my own man. I

am not going to take any three -line whipping from people to make me vote for

their policies.

Law and order is your speciality, isn't it? Correct. And I think I can honestly

say that I shall bring unrivaled knowledge of the problems of law

and order to the council.

Shame.

Arthur Daly, your independent candidate for St Mary's Ward.

What's the chocolate for?

Well, you can eat them while you're reading his election address.

Oh, that's nice.

Now, tell me, my dear, have you any complaints about the way the council are

running this borough?

Me bathroom's got a leak. Been trying to get it fixed for months.

Terence, make a note. Mrs Johnson needs her bathroom fixed. That will be

attended to during my first week in office.

Oh, really?

Me husband will be pleased.

What was the name again?

Daily. Half a daily. Don't forget, tell your neighbour, vote daily. I will.

Thanks for the chocolate.

Cheers. How are we doing?

Well, so far, you've promised to unblock 15 drains, redecorate 27 rooms, repair

four rooms, and allow 19 Australians to stay here indefinitely.

What's all that about?

That cop was nicking my chocolates.

You told me they were straight. They was. You know what this is, don't you?

This is political chicanery on the part of my rivals.

Park this undercover.

Excuse me, young man. What is happening?

Mr Chisholm, what are you doing here?

Shopping.

Wife instructed me to look for some chocolates.

That is a diabolical liberty.

So are these.

Political persecution, that's what this is.

I've never heard it called that before.

A raid, yes.

A swoop.

Turning over someone's drum, maybe.

Got receipts for all these chocolates, of course. It was a cash transaction.

Well, it's the only way to beat the Japanese competition these days.

What do you want?

Who are you?

Lentz. West London Gazette. You're a bit quick off the mark, aren't you? How did

you get wind of this?

Just a coincidence.

Rubbish. I recently interviewed Mr Daly.

I wanted to check a few details.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to borrow him for a while, Mr Lent. Are you

arresting him?

What are the charges?

Hey, look, you be careful what you write.

No charges at this stage. Mr Daly and Mr McCann are merely helping us with our

inquiries, aren't you?

Are we?

Yes, you are. And in order to show how reasonable I am, I'm going to take you

down to the station in one of our nice big cars with the flashing blue lights.

Chocolate, anyone?

Oh, thank you.

When I get elected, I'm going to get myself on the police committee.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. And I'll have that detective, Sergeant Chisholm, just where I want

In the meantime, how are we going to get out of here?

I don't know.

What was the sum total of our ride on Daly's Locker?

Four grounds of black and white facades with the slogan, Bold and Wonders for

the Cap.

2 ,000 girly magazines.

Paul? No, no, I seem better on page three.

Yes, six dozen musical monkeys that play Scotland the Brave.

Now, he's got receipts for those.

You actually bought six dozen musical monkeys that play Scotland the Brave?

Aye.

Did we rip any out of them? Aye, we did. No diamonds.

Anything else?

Oh, various assorted rubbish.

Oh, and finally, nearly 800 boxes of chocolates.

So much for West End Central.

Jewel fence.

Arthur Daly wouldn't recognise the going on if it jumped up and bit him.

Aye, but what are we going to do about him and the cannon, eh?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll think of something.

Let him sweat for a bit.

Hello, Dave.

It's Julie, Terry's friend.

Well, the word is they've been nicked by Chisholm.

No, no, you wouldn't.

He's one of our local black spots masquerading as a police officer.

You've been over to Amsterdam late.

Do what?

You heard Mr Chisholm.

Do we need Pinocchio in here?

If you're trying to wind me up, you can.

You are succeeding.

Why are we being held?

Because I find you invigorating company. Now, shut it.

Have you been over to Amsterdam lately?

No, I haven't.

What about Hamburg?

Well, it's very interesting here about your holidays, but I've got better

to do.

Terry, sit down. There's a good lad.

Look, Mr Chisholm, I haven't been abroad since the summer, when I took early

indoors to Tomarilina's for holiday.

Look, while we're sitting here chatting, my political destiny awaits, you know.

Time and time I wake an old man. I've got a rally to address.

What is he rabbiting about?

He's facing the local borough election.

You what?

Standing as an independent on the issue of law and order.

Law and order?

One of the most dishonest people in my man has got the fair -faced audacity to

speak.

Law and order?

I bet you I'll have to get on the police committee to sort me out, don't you?

Thought never entered my mind, Mr Chisholm.

But if I can help, I'll be happy to oblige.

Look, I've got a following out there, you know. I'm supposed to be at St

Stephen's Church Hall.

How is the uncut diamond business these days?

He's cracking up, isn't he?

Must be male menopause.

Are you holding Arthur Daly and Terry McCann?

Look, I know nothing about diamonds, rubies, pearls, any precious stones.

I mean, do I look like a man who buys hooky top?

Well, frankly, no.

But I'm acting upon information received.

We're your snout soldier pig in a poke, aren't we? Now, listen.

Yes?

Right, now, I will come out and tell her where to get off.

Proper little star, aren't we?

Another reporter anxious for your golden words.

Make a note of any conversation.

I've already told your colleague, miss. I have no statement to make at this

stage. Firstly, you haven't been speaking to any colleague of mine.

Secondly, I don't care a stuff what you want to say.

And thirdly, if you don't release Daly and McCann or give me a very good reason

why you're holding them, I'll get your name splashed right across the front

page. Of the local rag?

I think you're overestimating the power of the press.

Not the local rag. I work in Fleet Street. Here's my card.

Now, at the moment, I'm convinced you are wrongfully and illegally holding

two. That is the way my story will run, unless, of course, you can persuade me

differently.

Would you care to see them?

Thank you.

Second door on the left.

Could you get me this number and put it through to my office?

Is it all right to talk?

Aye.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about him. He's Welsh.

I threatened to them with a story on your wrongful arrest.

What, in your local rag?

Oh, my God.

She's trying to help you. Oh, yeah, I can see that.

Me on the front page alongside Vickers who've taken a lorry ride to shame.

That's all I need for my political career, isn't it?

Listen, you, if she doesn't get us out in time for this meeting tonight, you

won't have any political career.

You're supposed to be at that church hall in half an hour.

Right. Just checking. Thank you.

On one hand, we have the big white chief from West End Central who wants me to

transform Arthur Daly into Raffles.

On the other, we have an investigative journalist who wants to serve me up on a

plate to 13 million readers.

I would say that you were on the proverbial horn.

The proverbial dilemma.

Good.

Just had a word with your editor.

Seems a nice chap. He is.

Till he gets angry.

Oh, of course.

Well, you are free to go.

I'm afraid I have further questions to put to you.

Do what?

Hold on, what about his political meeting tonight?

I am, of course, aware of the importance of that. I thought, Miss Waters, you

and your editor would agree that a criminal investigation must come before

political interest.

Very clever. Thank you.

Terry, Julie, you can't leave me here.

I'm afraid they can and must, Mr Daly.

You heard that?

He called me Mr.

If any false confessions are beaten out of me, you are to inform the world of my

present condition. I think you must understand, Miss Waters, Mr. Daly does

suffer from mild paranoia from time to time. You are well out of order,

Chisholm. Yeah, but why are you holding him? To assist us with our inquiries.

Being so strong on law and order, you want to assist us, don't you? I wish to

attend a political rally. I need to be present to answer their questions.

finished answering my question. You might get around to answering theirs.

I think I'd rather be back at the nick.

Relax, Terry. It'll be all right.

All right? What happens if you don't show up?

Yeah, tell.

Hello, Dave.

Any news?

No. It's like waiting for the second coming, isn't it? I hope he's not going

take as long as that.

What's the matter?

He's got a good nose for trouble, that one.

Don't like him, do you? Not a lot.

Professional jealousy.

Leave it out.

His face is familiar.

Penny won't drop.

You've got it all wrong. The scandals are supposed to start after you get

elected. You're always first with a new angle.

Look, Mr Chisholm, whatever else I am, I'm not an international diamond fence.

I know that, Arthur. Well, why don't you let me go, then? Well, firstly, you

won't look too good on the file. If my superiors see I let you go too soon, it

looks as though I don't take their tip off seriously.

You can see my dilemma.

Oh, yeah.

Then, of course, there are other matters, like all those bloody boxes of

chocolates. Even there I've got a problem. Yeah?

Yeah. I don't know whether to do you for receiving bent chocolates that are

seeing better days or charge you a contravention of the Health Act.

Now, thanks very much for coming, obviously.

And for those of you who don't know me, who I didn't meet on your front

doorsteps, my name is Terry McCann. And Arthur Daly.

We want Daly.

And I'm very glad to hear it, sir.

All you've got to do is vote for him on polling day, all right?

Now, I'm very sorry, but Arthur, Mr Daly, has been unavoidably detained.

How can we vote for a man who can't even be bothered to attend his own political

rally? He'll be here. Don't worry about that, sunshine.

And, uh... And in the meantime, Terry and I will take questions from the

We don't want the monkeys, we want the organs!

this on purpose, didn't you, Mr Chisholm?

Have a listen. Everyone wants to be a politician, don't they?

Hold on, hold on. Here he is.

Here he is, your main man, your very own...

Apologies, but you know what these TV interviewers are like. Always finding an

extra question just when you want to say goodnight. TV cameras more important

than voters, are they?

Why don't you shut it before someone else does?

That'll do, Terence, that'll do. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to move a

vote of thanks to our local police force who leapt into the breach to make sure

I got here all right tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation of one of my greatest

supporters, Detective Sergeant Chisholm.

Well, come on, Mr Chisholm. Stand up and take a bow.

Come on, Mr Chisholm, on your flat feet.

Just a little joke.

Ladies and gentlemen, what Mr... Ladies and gentlemen, what Mr Chisholm did

tonight in helping me out is a perfect example... of one of this borough's most

pressing needs greater cooperation between us law -abiding citizens

and our intrepid boys in blue because remember we not only pay our rates we

pay their wages waste of time staying in there yeah he's got him in the palm of

his hand this is getting serious he actually makes sense yeah i don't like

don't like it at all All that integrity and commitment could cause havoc in the

town hall.

I can't understand why the police let him go.

They couldn't find anything to hold him on. Well, that must have been something.

Our only hope now is Lent's smear piece on election day.

He's dug up some very useful skeletons.

We must make sure that all the canvases at the polling station just happen to be

reading the local paper.

I need a stiff drink after that.

Now, if you return me as counsellor, this misuse of public funds will cease

instantly.

Hello,

news desk, please.

Hello, Tim. It's Julie Waters.

Yes, yes, the feature's going fine.

Tell me, what do you know about a reporter called Jeff Lent?

What was it you wanted to add to the interview, then? Ah, in the fullness of

time, Mr Lent. In the fullness of time.

What's happened to those two?

Perhaps they've stopped for a naughty.

Never. Not before polling day.

Oh, thank God.

Well, there you are. We've run out.

I like a man who likes a drink.

No,

no, we just had tea, thanks. Tea?

That's for trouble with the younger generation.

Cheers, Mr. Daly. Cheers.

You're supposed to take with you glass in your hand. Cheers.

Got a loo here?

Yeah, straight through the lounge.

You sure this is going to work?

Well, you heard what Julie said, didn't you?

He's one of the great drinkers of Fleet Street.

He's been fired off more papers than you've had at dinners.

All you have to do is keep him drunk until polling day so that he can't

that hatchet job on you.

That's a day after tomorrow.

So you're getting the Guinness Book of Records, weren't you?

I don't even like scotch.

Whoa!

He's been training for this event for 30 years.

Harper! Harper!

Oh, Terry.

I can't go on.

I've had it, Terry.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

Yeah, and I'll put a nice large whippy in it, shall I?

Oh, Terry, not even in jest.

Terry, I've had it.

You just have to let that dipsy maniac do his worst in the local rag. At least

I'll keep my lure.

It's finished.

I know. I've got to keep telling you.

No, I mean, you've done it.

It's polling day.

You've won the drinking competition. Now let's see about the election.

Good morning. Good morning. Welcome aboard.

Good morning. Good morning. Nice to have you with us. Good morning. How's it

going, then?

Well, so far, 17 signs, three handshakes and one silly cow thinks they ought to

be repatriated. Am I in time for the first hanging?

Eh? This gentleman signed your petition down at Winchester. Oh, all in good

time, sir. All in good time. Don't forget the whipping. No, no, I won't

the whipping.

I have already told you, sir, there was no jewellery.

No, I admit we did not rip open all the tyres on his second -hand cars, but we

find that sort of behaviour not generally appreciated in this part of

The only dodgy items were the quantity of chocolates.

The matter is under review.

I see, sir. Very well.

Thank you.

Somebody wants David very badly indeed.

So what are we going to do?

Good morning.

Vote daily.

Have you voted? Of course I have.

Have you come

to vote?

I asked you both to accompany me to the station. I'm sure you'll come quietly,

won't you?

What are you talking about? What's the charge?

Chocolates. Doing you both for receiving.

I told you I'd pay cash for them. What would we want with a load of Nick

chocolates? Okay, and sometimes I wonder about you.

It's a seller course to make a quick profit.

Oh, yeah?

So now can't we give them all away, eh?

Would seem a bit silly, wouldn't it?

You what?

He's right. We did give them away.

Tell that to the jury.

Hold on, hold on. Stay out. Governor, could you come here a minute, please?

I ain't seen anyone hang yet. No, it's been put off till later.

Did you like the chocolates?

Certainly did. They did wonders for my gal. Would you mind telling this nice

how much we charged you for them?

Charged me? Don't be silly. You gave them to me.

And we got hundreds more like him all over the borough.

Come on, Jones.

He's there. Half the day. Come on, then.

Christopher Arnold.

Conservative.

331. Anthony Wesley Billingham. Labour.

568. Sebastian Francis Crumpet.

A monster -raving loony party.

27.

Arthur Edward Daly. 1 ,481.

I declare Arthur Edward Daly as the new elected member of Parliament.

Ladies and gentlemen, loyal party members and mine host,

I don't know what to say.

How about the drinks are on me, eh? Yeah, that's a good one. Give them all a

double on me, Dave.

I couldn't have done it without you two, you know.

How's it going, then, Councillor?

Councillor, eh? Heard indoors want a new frock for when I get swore in.

And this is only the beginning, Terry. Cheers, Dave.

Hold on, what do you two want?

You mustn't take it all so personally, McCann. It's only politics.

Yeah, and this is only members, so on your bike. No, no, no, Terry, that'll

that'll do.

Well, I suppose your lot and his lot are now going to try and corrupt me with

lucrative blandishments?

Oh, no, we won't.

You won't? No.

You are going to be disqualified, and there'll have to be another election.

What stroke are you pulling this time?

Not us. You did it to yourself.

Do what?

Overspending on your election campaign.

Very serious offence, you know.

Automatic disqualification.

Overspending him? You've got to be kidding, haven't you?

Oh, no, we're not.

You see, we've just finished adding up the cost of all those boxes of

you gave away.

Those chocolates weren't for eating.

They were for buying and selling.

Like the sardines in the Second World War.

Sardines? Yeah.

If you want to change the situation.

just the wrong location I've got a good

idea just you keep me near I'll be so good for

you I'll be so good for you