Original subtitles

Love you like you want me to.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

We should have put the lights on first.

Yeah, I know.

That was down to his nibs. He promised, didn't he?

He's got a busy week, hasn't he?

Taking her indoors and the kids down to the airport.

We're trying to knock out four cases of Dunhill aftershave down the market. That

shouldn't be too hard.

Yeah, but this is like the fluid.

Splash this all over, you end up a human torch.

Ain't going to be on his tod for Christmas, is he? No.

He will be up to all sorts of things.

Like running away from geezers with scorched chins.

Well, he'd be in a mood for a party.

When's his club?

Hello, Mrs Daly.

No, no, he's not here at the moment, but we are expecting him any minute now.

Oh.

Yes, of course, of course, I'll tell him.

Yes, right, yes, and... Merry Christmas.

Yeah, bye.

Is that her from the airport?

Yeah, and she didn't sound at all happy.

Who's this?

President? But, gosh, Harry, he's barred, isn't he? Well, he's been barred

many times, I can't remember if he's a member or not.

He's got a prezzie. Oh, well, that'll be a necktie.

So he can strangle himself.

Hey,

do you know what I could do with all that money?

I could get myself an oil rig.

You'd be better off with a distillery.

Listen, don't come at you.

Caught me a hard case.

What do I need you for?

I mean, you think I can't do the bizzle myself?

Don't you worry about that, Jimmy.

I can do the bizzle myself.

I've got a not guilty for manslaughter.

You probably never did it.

Aye.

But how will they know that?

Harry's... Brand new.

And don't you forget it.

You know, this is the third car we've had from the security wing of the

And we've had about half a dozen from the Ford Open Prison.

And all very nicely written as well.

Shall I go? Yeah.

I suppose it's the dustman again.

I gave the milkman a tenner this morning.

Then I realised we don't even have milk.

It's not the dustman. It's the scavenger. Oh, yeah. Don't be rude.

Oh, talk about recession.

Everybody's fleeing to foreign parts.

The airport.

They're either going skiing or to Caribbean.

Where do they get the dough, eh?

We're waiting for a light. Well, the lights are here.

Here you are.

Oh, dear. They're small enough.

Well, it's only for a tree, isn't it? You're not going to illuminate Oxford

Street. Your wife's been on the dog.

Ah, there you are. You see, I've only been gone ten minutes and she's thinking

of me already.

Yeah, well, she did seem a bit agitated. Well, wouldn't you?

Two kids, long flight to Florida, going to see your sister.

Well, didn't you fancy it?

That's the husband. He's got a padlock on his dustbin.

He came over here about three years ago.

At the nip all the time. I never stopped picking up bills. Talk about deep

pockets. He wouldn't even buy a packet of pork scratchings. Yeah, I'll remember

it. He got money out of you.

I am known for my generosity, Dave. Arthur, your generosity is legendary.

How about a 1977 Lotus Eclat?

Never raced or rallied.

One careful owner.

genuine 21 ,000 miles on the clock, good music, thoughtlessly maintained,

genuine reason to travel.

Oh, as it happens, I may be able to help.

Cash. Banks are still open.

Now, you see, the trouble with it is it's a specialist motor.

I mean, price -wise, they just fall out of bed. Forget it. I'll go to a dealer.

What do you want a dealer for?

I've got the book.

Lotus Eclat.

S registration.

S. What are you asking?

Seven grand.

Seven? You're joking. It's under five in the book. Show me. Where? The book is

confidential. For the trade only.

I can't flash the book around.

I get this from a very special contact.

I should say four and a half.

Hey.

You've had a smash there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's where we edit it the night I was done over.

Ah, it's still a flaw.

You say five?

Yeah, I'm being a fool to myself.

I'll take your five, but there's one condition.

Yeah?

I come back to you before midday tomorrow and I give you five, two, and

motor is mine again. Yeah, what sort of a deal is that?

It's a deal, that's what. Oh, don't come back tomorrow, you've got yourself a

motor. I do come back, you've earned yourself 200 quid just for parking it

overnight.

Midday tomorrow?

Yeah.

Registration book.

Peace.

Maurice, you got yourself a steak.

The thing is, Arthur, you said you'd get me a nice, clean four -year -old Capri.

Yeah, I will, Dave, I will, but, I mean, a Lotus Eclat. I thought it was a

personal friend. You like first refusal.

See, with a motor like this, you get a bit of respect.

Yeah.

I've heard they just fall out of bed, price -wise.

You've heard what?

Specialist motor like this?

Look, if you're talking about inflation, a set of wheels like this is an

investment. In two years' time, you'll be making money.

I mean, the stereo's better than the one you got in the club.

Yeah, that Flash Morris.

You imagine how he must have kind him.

Morris? It's nothing to do with Morris.

It's a second car.

Bought it for his missus.

What does she use it for?

Endant ladders and back again.

I'm not kidding, Dave.

Seven and a half in the book.

To you, six, nine, ninety. And I won't even be getting a drink out of it. Six

how much? Well, forget the odd ninety. We won't say nothing about delivery

charges. Forget the delivery, Arthur.

It's out of my league, honest.

Oh, dear. Try to do a favour.

Look, have you thought of consulting the missus?

They love a motor like this.

She wants a caravan.

Ah, well, funny then, I might be able to help you. Look, I've got a friend who's

got a clean dormobile, P registration.

He's had a stroke, so it's not even run in.

Keep looking for a nice, clean, four -year -old Capriano.

Hey, you sure these are the right voltage?

Of course they are.

They're no complaints.

Hospitals, restaurants, interputing.

That's your power station?

It's all in total darkness, Dad.

Here, it's got to be her. Hey, I saw old Charlie Montague.

He got mugged by four carousings outside Stamford Bridge. And no visible

injuries? No, no, no.

Hello?

This is... No, no, no.

No, no, no. You've got it wrong, my dear.

Why are you so worried about old Charlie?

He's only the treasurer of the Cresswood Club.

He's supposed to pay out tonight.

Happens every year, doesn't it?

Yeah, I know.

It's the environment in this place.

Villainy is everywhere.

Cyril.

I'm going to kill little Cyril.

What? What's wrong?

They won't let her on the plane.

He's given her the wrong tickets.

I want him damaged. And any kith and kin you can lay your hands on.

Oh, for it's Christmas, the season of goodwill. He better make it, Will. I

his head.

Bring me the head of little Cyril.

And by the way, them fairy lights are nine pounds.

Merry Christmas to you.

Yeah, the plug's 99p.

Don't worry about me. I've been in worse problems than this.

Oh, God.

This is ridiculous.

It's got to be around here somewhere.

All right, it's all yours, Terry.

No, Arthur.

This country air's playing me up, Terry. I'm not feeling all that. I am not

going to do it alone.

All right.

Come on.

You should have come back a bit more.

What for? I want a gap there just in case I have to get out on the hurry up.

not big enough for a ball.

It's just a precaution. Yeah, I know. Look.

You've got it.

Yeah, I've got it. You've got it.

It's a bit big, isn't it?

How strange he seems.

Like the dog.

Like the pet.

No, no, but it's just because he might get nervous.

Yeah, well, that'll make for him. What are you doing?

Come on, Terry.

Get away.

What? Hey.

What's his name?

Hello, Ferdy, then.

Hello, Ferdy. That's Spanish, innit? I don't know. Go on.

Toro, Ferdy.

Hello, mate.

Hello. Arthur!

Supposed to be lucky, innit?

Hello, mate.

Bit of breakfast?

Hello.

You're a big boy, ain't you?

Yeah.

Who's a pretty boy, then?

Look. Nice, eh?

Hello. Yeah.

Look, nice.

Who's a pretty bully?

You're not a bully, really, are you? Come here. Let's have a push that round

your nose.

Hold on.

Come here.

Come here. Whooshes.

Whooshes.

Go. Go.

Go. Go.

Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

He's a good boy.

Look, it's all right, isn't it? Gets a bit up your nose, but that's all right.

Come on, son.

Look, look at that. It's everywhere.

You wouldn't be giving me any bullshit, would you?

Come on, son. Well,

if he does come back, would you tell him somebody's going to hang him?

Who are you phoning now?

I don't know.

Ready?

Twinkle, bleak and twinkle. That's nine pounds you just lost, aren't it?

Absolutely. No, no, no, no, no. It's just a broken circuit.

You have to check each individual little bulb.

It's a very delicate operation.

You're selling them. You demonstrate this miracle of science.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It's perfectly straightforward. Look, you've just got to make sure they're

and tight in their sockets.

Like that.

There you are. See, look, that one... You idiot!

You left your power on!

Get a little shocked, did we?

Yeah?

Me.

What time is it? Order to fight.

Are you living this shambles?

What are you doing?

It's an early start or a late finish.

Early indoors.

Locked me out, didn't she?

Thought you had her in train.

Yeah. I was giving Cher on a bell from home. She was here holding on the

extension.

Yeah, I saw the film.

Oi! Thought I'd get a cup of tea or something.

She brought your own tea bag.

You got a duvet or something?

Er... Yeah, there's a tartan travel rug on one of those covers.

This is a carsey, you know that?

A carsey's through there.

Simon come about them jeans?

Did Simon come about them jeans? Yeah, Simon did come about those bloody jeans.

He said they're all made in Albania and Levi's is spelt with an I and not a Y.

Oh, I love the garters.

What's everyone got against Albania?

They were on our side during the war.

You've got stuff all over it.

It's probably wheat germ.

Every bloody germ by the look of it.

I might get a flat with that, Sharon.

Arthur, you're aptly married man.

Yeah, she got her cards tonight. I told her.

I thought you said she locked the door on you.

I shouted through the letterbox.

Oh, this cushion could do with a visit to Skechley's and all.

Oi! What?

Wait till you call it a wait.

What for?

Got to take the kids to school, haven't I?

Yeah, I forgot.

What?

Well, they don't arrive in a daimler.

Get expelled, don't they?

Oh, shut up, Terry. I'm trying to get to sleep.

Thank you.

Off you go, boys.

at last.

I think I'd just like to go to the... Little boys' room? Second on the left,

upstairs. Sir.

Second on the left, yes.

How am I cold now?

Arthur?

I do believe you're hiding from me, you naughty boy.

I'm coming to find you, Arthur.

Arthur?

Be careful, Terry.

Oh! Terry!

I don't suppose we've got a first aid box in this establishment, have we?

of course I have. What for?

What for? My whole nervous system has just been bombarded by electricity.

250 volts gone right up my arm. I could have been killed.

I've got a bandage. I've got some carbolic soap.

I've got some aspirin.

Some Bob Marley tablets.

You haven't got mains, you know, have you? Oh, give me a large VAT.

Have a look.

Well, no, I'm sure he'll be back in a few minutes, Mrs. Daly.

Well, he's gone to see the man who sold him the tickets, you see.

No, he'll sort it out.

Listen, why don't you phone back in ten minutes, eh?

Yeah.

No, I'll tell him, yeah. Of course I will.

Yeah, stand by.

All right, Mrs. Daly. Bye -bye.

Yeah, these bucket shots, they don't give a damn. Yeah, Cyril isn't a bucket

shop. He handles all the football teams. I mean, you remember when Chelsea were

in Europe. Well, you were the one that was good at history.

Yeah, did you get a special deal? Of course I did. I got him some spares for

BMW. I thought he was one of our own.

That's your first mistake, wasn't it?

Damn by a ticket.

Perfectly ordinary ticket.

Get off. You were trying to save a few, Bob.

Save a few, Bob? A few hundred.

Listen, with those tickets, she could be hanging around the airport for weeks.

Well, she's got a nice warm coat.

Oh, by the way, Dave, your good lady all right for a winter coat? I've got

another one in the boot.

Oh, no, thanks, Arthur. She's still got a rash from that blow she brought from

you last summer.

The kids are very annoyed and all.

Oh, my God, no, don't say it. Not tears.

Kids are so unforgiving.

Do you know if your mum's got enough reddies?

Reddies?

Has she got enough money?

Don't think she's marched bears up to London with it.

Don't you mean down?

No, we always say up.

Up? Well, it don't really matter, does it?

I suppose not.

You got any other relations in Warrington?

The Romney gran, she died about two years ago.

You're not really my own player.

What makes you say that?

Well, me mam's never mentioned you until I was coming up here on train.

Well, no, I mean, I'm not a blood relation, but your mum and me, we were,

very good friends a long time ago.

That before they were born?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was before you were born.

Oh, what can I do, eh?

Why don't you shoot down the airport with a thermos flask and hold her hand?

Cheers. Get a cup of tea down there. She's got plenty of traveller's checks.

You didn't get them off of Bernie, did you? Yeah.

You know he's on bail for nicking traveller's checks from Thomas Cook.

Very respectable firm.

Look, just because he was misled doesn't mean to say he's guilty.

We still have an equitable legal system in this country.

Twelve good men and true.

Yeah. I heard he was done a few years ago for nobbling the jury.

Anyway. You'll probably be here tonight.

No, thank you. I've had enough of your members of the Alternative Society.

Yeah, well, it's all right for you, isn't it? You can go home.

I am a captive audience.

I am trapped here behind a bar.

I shall have Big John bending my ear about last week's bank robbery.

I shall have Shotgun Simon plotting next week's bank robbery.

It ain't like a proper club.

They don't talk about their gardens or their fishing.

Well, come on, where do we want to go?

Hampstead. Highs Point in London.

Oh, dear old London.

He was always a romantic, Ernie.

Was I?

What did you miss most, Ernie?

I mean, being away, you missed, well, you missed miniskirts.

Oh, and a fellow went to the moon, but there was nothing there.

Then there was the music. Well, no, you couldn't call that stuff music. You

wouldn't have liked that.

Oh, little Cliffy Richards is still around.

Still a bachelor boy.

Then there was a three -day week, digital clocks, Muhammad Ali.

Oh, and I believe there's something called VAT, but you don't want to worry

yourself about that.

All in all, that was the 60s and 70s for you.

I've seen the newspapers, you know.

Oh, I'm only marking your card, Ernie.

I mean, Chelsea were up and down like a yo -yo.

Arthur, he's been to the scrubs, not Bleeding Devil's Island.

I'm better informed than you, probably.

Never mind the newspapers.

I read books.

Lots of books.

Yeah, I know, I know.

You always liked the book, even in the old days.

Did I?

Uh, where, um... Where are you thinking of living, Ernie?

Got any ideas?

Oh, flats on Velly aren't to come by. Didn't you have a sister down Croydon

How do I know?

I haven't seen her since my old mother's funeral in 1962.

God bless her.

No other relatives?

Look, Arthur, I might ask you for lodging.

Ernie, please. My home is your home. The thing is, it's a tiny little flat.

Kids growing up, you know.

Sure.

Pretty you didn't have kids, didn't you?

It'd be nice if you had a daughter with a place in the country.

Yes. Well, I haven't.

See, the thing is, I haven't told her indoors about you staying.

Forget it.

They're you, whatever your name is.

Terry. Yeah, Terry.

Bring the cape.

Nice manner, this, isn't it?

Yeah.

No.

I think I'll stay in a big hotel, something fresh and comfortable. Oh,

nice. And you've earned it.

And you've got the money, I imagine.

I've got plenty.

Don't worry about me.

Now, Cyril, Cyril, Cyril, listen to me. Look, look, look, look, Cyril, Cyril,

listen to me, Cyril.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right. But if not, you are going to get

11 and a half stone of terry on your head.

Well, I'm here, aren't I? Where else can I go?

Cyril.

Well, it's all happening, you see. He's having a word with his representative at

the airport.

His representative?

I know who that is.

It's his brother.

Drives the cab.

He picks poor, unsuspecting punters up from Heathrow, takes them via

Northampton, drops them off at Staple's Corner, and tells them it's the middle

of the West End.

What are you doing?

Watch.

Oh,

what about that?

Ah, that's lovely, isn't it? Who's the little genius then, eh? Worth every

of nine pounds.

Ah!

Oh, good.

Oh, for Daly, the Prince of Darkness. Oh, call the phone.

Oh, cool down.

I've got some candles.

Well, get them, get them. And get that phone. It's important.

It could be for you, isn't it?

That was her endorse. I know her ring anywhere.

Cosy, isn't it?

Eerie, you mean.

What? It's all right, it's quite standard. Just a discreet way of

that's all.

Oi, oi, oi, you!

How long's this cousin of yours been brown -bred? Terry!

Well, it could be unhealthy, couldn't it?

Well, actually, the body was embalmed at the port of port.

Well, that's a relief.

If you could just give me a hand to load it up.

Yeah, well, we're going to have to move the transit, aren't we? The key's in it.

Terry, Terry, I'll do that. You help Mr Meadhurst.

All right, that'll do you. All right, all right, hold on.

It'll be heavy.

It's a dead weight, isn't it?

Open the doors.

Quiet. Give it a shove and it'll slide.

Inside, right. Oh, my God!

Oh, fuck!

Sorry, mate.

It's all right.

Not you, him.

Hello?

Hello?

The fuse is wrong for a start.

Look at him.

1 -0 level for woodwork.

Well, that was on a split decision.

I know what a standby is, though, don't I?

Do you hear that? My so -called friend.

Here I am in the middle of a crisis, trying to schlep my dear ones across the

Atlantic so that her indoors can see Joan Collins in safe ways, and all I'll

is mockery.

You don't understand stable family bonds.

Well, he was in here with the right sort the other night. I'll bet she had a

family. Yeah, no doubt.

Son and daughter, husband as well, I should think.

Christmas is a bad time for erstwhile lovers.

Ain't so good for you either, is it?

Okay. All right. Nice to see you.

Hello, sailor.

Who the bloody hell is this?

Don't worry. Look, this is your man.

800 quid for a ride in this.

We're only ironing it, you know, not buying it. You can take the notice. He's

all right.

Is that lot with you?

Oh, my God.

I might have get... Come on.

Hey!

Man

over,

fool!

Why don't you want to join him? Go on.

Cast

off,

Arthur. Do what?

Give us a push.

Come on, Arthur, give us a push, for God's sake.

I am pushing.

Watch your head, dear.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Help me.

Help me, friend.

It's worrisome.

I'll get bloody food poisoning.

That'll make my water wet. Well, fellas, it was nice while it lasted.

That's the little way to go, fellas.

Yeah, turn around, Jacko.

See you, Jack.

Have a good trip.

Stop my music!

What did you do that for? Well, you locked me out.

I told you I was locking up, didn't I?

Bastard.

You've been pouring that stuff down your throat all night. Well, what do you

care? I care when you start smashing up the house. Oh, yeah, the house. It

doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, as long as the flaming house is all neat

and tidy.

You're as bad as my bleeding brother, you are. Get that loud Derek out the

before he does something disgusting on the X -Men stuff. I've heard it all

before. Oh, he wouldn't stand for all that self -pity bullshit either, eh?

I like the sound of it more and more. You bastard.

Oi!

You smash anything else in this house, Sunbeam, I'm going to put you to sleep.

don't benefit from your game.

Death to music.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna have to get advice about you.

Thank God for that.

Now, don't turn them fairy lights on.

Why, do you want to do it? I'm waiting for a call, aren't I?

When was the last time you had this place very wide?

Oh, I don't know. Years ago.

Really, Dave?

Oh. Well, as it happens, I know a very good man.

I mean, being Christmas and an emergency, of course, the rates will be

higher, but I'll give him a bell.

First -class man.

And as we're friends, we won't say anything about VAT.

Don't listen to him, Dave.

You'll have electricians, carpenters...

carpet layers, plasterers, and they'll all be me.

Yeah, well, thanks, Arthur, but no thanks.

Well, I'm only thinking of you. I mean, you know, fire hazard, snooping from the

council. You are all right for insurance, are you?

Yeah, yes, that is all in order. You thought it was Christmas, didn't you?

Suddenly it's Doomsday.

You are all right for the Black Plague, aren't you?

Well, I suppose the first thing is to choose a foreman.

Yes, that is the usual, normal procedure.

How are you, mate?

What about you, Arthur? I mean, you seem to have some idea, you know, the way

you handled it over there. I mean, why don't you do it? Oh, I don't know.

Oh, all right, all right. As a matter of fact, I do have a certain working

knowledge of the law.

No one objects, do they?

No, no, no, let's just get on with it, shall we?

Well, what's the procedure?

Do we just vote or what?

Just vote?

Well, the man's clearly guilty. You've only got to look at his face.

Madam, with respect...

A man's boat is hardly a reasonable foundation on which to base a

Bloody riot.

What is boat?

I do not understand.

Boat race, madam.

Look, let me just say this.

As the duly elected foreman of this jury, I need hardly remind you that it

our sworn duty to weigh the evidence, balance the scales of justice, free

ourselves from the constraints of prejudice and blind emotion.

and arrive at a true and honest verdict in accordance with the facts.

Thank you.

I think the guy was lying to him, T. But it's cool.

We all dig, right?

So, I feel say we should have grooved in with the foreman here and give him the

benefit. What do you say, sister?

That's right. I mean, you've got to play the white man, don't you?

But ask yourself this.

Dare we do that here?

In the very nucleus, the heart of British justice.

The jury room.

I think not.

Out there is a fellow human being whose very future hangs on our decision.

Not to mention his own mum who's dependent on him. It is frightening.

Frightening. But it is a challenge.

And I know you will all...

Be with me when I say it is a challenge we must not shirk.

Ready? I still don't think you should risk it. Shut up.

Go on, give it a go.

There you are. Nothing wrong with them lights.

Good as gold.

Well, I'm well pleased about seeing what they cost me.

War office.

Terry.

Hello.

No, no, of course it's my dear. It was Terry being silly.

Now, look, I've been talking to Cyril.

Ah, well, there you are, you see.

I told you I'm well known with Pananam.

You wanted how much?

I see.

All right, dear, have a nice time.

What do you mean, typical?

No, no, no, no, don't you worry about me. You just get on the plane. Have a

time. You have a nice flight. Bye -bye, dear.

Thereon, that little Seals brother knocked her for a hundred notes.

That must be a great relief to you, Arthur.

Stealing money out of my pocket.

Yeah, but you've saved on presents, haven't you? Having the family away.

That's a cheap jibe, Terence.

I wouldn't give you an expensive one, would I? What is the matter with him? I

pay my way, don't I? Do what?

Well, you'll get a present every yuletide. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

An electric toothbrush.

I've had one every year for six years.

That's where the wife got it from.

Yeah. Six years ago, he got too gross of them. Flood damage. Fire.

Pestilence, for all I know.

They go on and off like those fairy lights. This boy's obsessed with

appliances. You know something else, don't you? You should have been nicked.

You know something else. You know more about that than I would.

I've got the top one, haven't I?

Looks like it, don't it?

It's OK by me. I've got plenty of practice.

I've just done a five in Durham.

Only out two weeks.

Bastards down here, they don't give you a chance.

Attempted robbery, they said.

Black and blue all over. They gave me a right kicking on the way in.

Stuff them.

I say, stuff them.

What are you in for yourself?

Not a lot.

I've been everywhere myself.

Maidenhead, Hall.

I've even been up in Peterhead.

I've done pottery and carpet weaving up there.

And they nicked you for it.

No, inside.

Occupational therapy.

Bloody cold up there, you know.

You don't say much, do you?

Don't get a lot of chance with you.

Don't mind me. I'm an outgoing sort of fella.

I like getting on with people and that.

What's that there?

Oh, shit, I am.

But, like, you, you seem worried.

You know, depressed.

First time in, is it?

Don't worry.

Get it off my chest.

Yeah, why not? Best way.

What do they call you?

They call me Colin.

Big call, usually.

Yeah, I know you.

You do?

You've heard of me?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Probably end up my best pal, won't you?

Then in a fit of depression and remorse, I'll tell you my life story, what I've

done, how I did it.

And the next time I see you, I'll be in the witness box swearing my life away.

Hey, you've got it all wrong.

I just want to be your friend.

Great.

But I've had enough of friends for today.

OK.

Sorry, sir.

Busy night.

Oh, my good God, no.

Arthur Daly.

This is a real privilege, I mean.

Arthur Daly.

Don't give me all that.

You are privileged, as it happens.

But I know why.

Oh, dear. Old people.

The ferret.

I hate that name. Why do they call me that?

You ever look in a mirror?

Don't they ever learn?

Look, if I'm guilty, which I'm not, do they really think I'd tell you anything?

You can depend on me, Arthur. You?

You've got more grass than Kew Gardens.

Me, Arthur? Never.

On my mother's eyesight.

She's dead. I was at the funeral nine years ago, and you wasn't there.

They wouldn't let me out.

I did a run -up when me dad was married.

No,

sit somewhere else.

I had enough.

I got arrested by a dog.

On his own?

They're clever, aren't they?

Three law, but it was down on a dog.

You are just a simple recidivist.

Oh, no.

I'm inadequate.

Well, don't be so proud of it.

Let me tell you what to say.

I'm surprised to see you here.

Well, I am here.

I've always respected you, Arthur.

Yeah? Always a respected man in a manner.

Hard. Yeah?

Oh, you're no doubt a very hard man in business. Everybody knows that. That's

why you've come such a long way.

Yeah, that's very true, Ferdinand.

No, Billy.

Don't get me wrong when I say hard, not physical.

You've got Terry, and he's as hard as you can get.

Yeah, where was he when I needed him?

That's what I thought.

Eh? I don't think Terry's done something.

I mean, put you in this for a bother.

Who told you to say that?

Not Rycott, I hope.

No. You never concocted that theory all on your own.

I don't know what you mean, Arthur.

As you say, Ferry, I'm not a physical man.

Brave rather than brawn.

But I could make an exception in your case, give you a very nasty spanking.

Sorry, no offence, Mr Daly.

Don't mess with me, Ferry. Oh, sorry, Billy.

She'll be up there in the great blue yonder now, Arthur.

Yeah.

I wonder what she left for me tea.

Tea? When was the last time you had tea? Oh, no, it's the principal, isn't it?

Never mind your tea. What are you doing about your Christmas dinner?

Oh, someone will invite me.

I'm a very self -sufficient person.

What you mean is everyone's left you out, given you're blank.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, if I got all my friends and laid them into it and they stretched from

here to... To here.

Now, mind you, I mean, you nearly qualify for Meals on Wheels now, don't

Don't you worry. I'll get by, Sunshine.

Sunshine?

I mean, it's normally Terry or Young Terence or Tell. I never call you Tell.

I've never understood why people call Terry's Tellies.

Well, except the Chinese tell.

No,

don't worry, I won't leave you out.

Mind you, you're going to have to share your turkey and your cracker with a bird

on it.

Done on that, do you?

What, your converted squat?

No, no, don't you worry about me. I don't need anyone to help me pull my

cracker. I bet you do, pal.

McCann!

Read the statistics.

Heart attacks.

You drop dead, Arthur, what do they find?

Just another old jogger.

The money, Arthur.

Don't know.

Then run.

You've been abused with your body.

You're killing me.

And I don't know.

Nice, big, deep breaths.

And you can tell me.

Quite what a little exercise could do for you, innit?

Innit, just.

What are you

going

to count it, then?

No, Terry, no.

No, you've got it on his face.

Leave it out, Stuart.

He'll slaughter you.

Come on, mate. You're all right. Come on. I'll be careful.

Come on.

That's it.

Terry, I'm a goner.

Watch.

You have to watch.

Look after her indoors.

Don't tell her too much. Come on, you're all right. Get your feet on your

plates. Come on, that's it.

Good deep breaths. Come on, come on.

In a minute, I'm going.

I need a kiss of life.

I'm sorry about that, mate.

Listen, have a cigar, eh?

Yeah, mate.

Where would we be without them, eh?

Come on.

Well,

I assume you two gentlemen will grace us with your presents for a mariotti.

Oh, not many. Best night of the year. Yeah, I've got a bit of dashing about to

do, but I'll be back.

Hey, now, about this Christmas dinner.

No, don't worry.

My own... Home is your home.

Yeah. Your home is my home.

Oh, don't stall that. No, but it is my home. It is your home. You found it. I

have to pay for it.

What?

Thank you for the lights.

My pleasure, Dave.

Merry Christmas.

I've changed the situation

Right people, right time

Just the wrong location I've got

a good idea Just you keep me near I'll be so good

for you I could be so good for you I'm gonna

I'll do anything for you.

I'll be so good for you.