Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during

the disaster and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

We have enough food to last 30,000 years, but we've only got one After Eight mint left,

and everyone's too polite to take it.

Let's see... "Astronavigation, Invisible Numbers and Engineering Structure Made Simple".

That's Rimmer's.

Ah-ha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra: Zero Gravity Edition." That's mine.

"Arnold J Rimmer - A Tribute." what's this?

- It's a video of my death. - You videoed your death?

- Holly did it for me. - You're very strange, Rimmer.

What's so strange? You have videos of weddings and births.

So, what do you do? Have a few people around, give them a sherry and invite them to watch you snuff it?

Lister, my death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me.

Just stick it in the trunk and shut up.

- Weird! - What about these posters?

- Whoa! They're mine. - But the Blu-Tack is mine.

You want to take the Blu-Tack?

It is mine. I did pay for it, with my money.

There's one of your old toenail clippings

under the bed. I'll put that in too shall I?

Ahhh, Lister. This is the best decision I ever made. No more you and your stupid annoying face.

- No more you and your stupid annoying habits. - Me? What did I do?

You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years.

Every time I sat down to do some revision...

(HUMS ANNOYINGLY)

Hang on a minute, Are you trying to say you never became an

officer because your shared your quarters with someone who hummed?

Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything!

Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me?

Like what?

Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.

I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable,

so instead of taking my Engineering finals, I went swimming.

The symbols fell off! I thought I put them back in the right place.

Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

Come on! That was a joke.

Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list

for experimental pile surgery.

It's not all one-way you know, Rimmer.

- You're hardly Mr Nice Guy, Mr Easy-To-Live-With? - What are you talking about?

I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night.

"Learn Esperanto While You Sleep."

"Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."

- We both got the same benefit. - Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.

And what about the time you tied me hair to the bedpost, then sounded the fire alarm!

Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it!

I nearly needed brain surgery!

What brains? The point is, you've always stopped me being successful.

That's a scientific fact.

Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.

- Oh, yes, I can. - See! It's always the same.

You never had the right sort of pens for your G&E drawing.

Your dividers don't stretch far enough.

- Well, they don't! - See?

In the end, you can't turn around and say, "I'm sorry I buggered up my life. It's all Lister's fault!"

Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out. Out of Slob City and into Successville.

What, you mean next door?

It's not the place Lister, it's the company.

I'm about to share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding,

the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.

- Everything tickety-boo? - Absolutement, Mr Rimmer.

I'll be along lickety-split.

Carry on!

What a guy!

I just don't know why didn't I think of this before? A duplicate me, Lister.

Yeah, yeah... Shall I take this through for you?

Be very careful with that. It's an antique. It's absolutely priceless.

"Absolutement", "tickety-boo", "lickety-split"...

God, "meaningful conversation"?

"Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer."

(SIGHS)

Be very careful with that. It's an antique. Absolutely priceless.

- Gosh, I just said that! - Did you? That's incredible!

What a lovely story!

Why have you got "No smoking" signs up when neither of you smoke.

Because they're our 'no smoking' signs and we happen to think they look rather striking.

Whoa-ho-ho! What's all this?

"Arnold's Tops With Us", "I owe it all to Rimmer", "Arnie Does It Best"...

This is very funny stuff.

- Just go. - I mean, because your name's Arnold Rimmer,

and even though these headlines are about other people,

you've cut them out and put them on the wall, so people will think they're about you?

- Shoo! Go on, out! - This joke's gonna keep me laughing all through the winter!

Lister, we don't have to take this anymore.

We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total

slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.

- Vacate our new quarters. - Bye-bye, Rimmer.

No, sorry... Bye-bye, bye-bye, Rimmer, Rimmer.

(BOTH) Goit.

Aow! Hey! I'm looking so good today!

If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!

Hello, hello! Testing, testing! One, one, one! Me, me, me!

Attention, all lady cats. I am feeling very, very sexy!

Can you hear me, lady cats?

My body is available!

Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day!

(HUMS) Da-da-da-da-daaaaaaah!!

Ecstasy!

(SINGS TUNELESSLY)

We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss!

I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like.

I'm a free man.

And you see those socks? See 'em?

They're going right where they belong, all over the floor,

where any self-respecting bachelor would keep "em.

I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk.

I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo.

I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle.

In fact, I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers!

I'm gonna crack me knuckles. I'm gonna grind me teeth.

I'm gonna live for a change! (LAUGHS MADLY)

(SNIFFS) Ooh, smeggin' hell!

What's this? Video of Rimmer's death?

Holly, get us some popcorn and put the video on for us, would you?

well, I can just about manage that, I suppose.

"BSc", "SSc"? What's that?

Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate.

He's a total lunatic.

Hello. This video pays homage to a man

who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing.

Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments,

there's going to be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry readings, read by me.

Whoa! Spin on!

Poetry in motion.

..and if it hadn't been for those people

who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back...

Spin on!

..if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister,

he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.

Spin on!

..we see the final moments of Arnold J Rimmer.

Yes!

Look, It was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!

I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences.

Emergency. There's an emergency going on.

Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159...7

Gazpacho soup!

(LISTER) Off,

Gazpacho soup? Why were his last words "gazpacho soup"?

Attention, lady cats! Sensual emergency!

Good lovin' needed bad!

Aow! Hey, no girls here?

What a waste of a good move! Shame. I'm looking so dangerous, too!

Aow! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah!

Cat, what are you doing?

I'm courting.

Courting who?

- Whoever shows up. - I told you before,

there's no other cats on board.

If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy! Aow! Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah!

(RIMMER) Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch!

- Stretch further! - And rest.

No! Keep jumping!

Absolutely. Keep on going through the pain barrier.

- Jump, jump, jump! - And rest.

- What are you doing, man?! - I'm resting, it's going all grey!

That's the pain barrier! Beat it!

You're right, you're absolutely right. Keep it going.

- And rest. - Brilliant! That extra little bit. That's what it's all about.

- What time do we get up? - Ooh, early. Half past eight.

- No, earlier than that. Seven. - How about six?

- No, Half past four... - Half past four, that's the middle of the night!

You wanted driving. I'm driving you.

Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right.

Holly, alarm call, 4.30 in the morning.

Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one.

Yes, Arnold. And Arnold.

- Er, what are you doing, Arnold? - I'm going to bed, Arnold.

But it's 2 in the morning. We can get in a couple of hours revision easily.

But, I'm getting up in a minute...

You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto.

I'll take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy.

Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of. I'm in heaven!

Better than sex.

It's 4.30. Here is your early morning alarm call.

(FOGHORN, BELLS AND SIRENS SOUND)

(RIMMER) Off! Off! Off!

That's the way. Smooth and even. Up and down.

Ah, Lister. Bonan matenon. Didn't wake you, I trust?

No, I haven't been to bed yet.

But it's 5.05 am. It's practically lunchtime.

What are you doing?

It's called work, Lister. I didnt' think you'd recognise it. W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.

Come on, paint! Paint, paint, paint!

But why are they painting the corridor, the same colour it was before?

They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey. Something that should have been done a long time ago

- Looks exactly the same to me. - No, no, no, no...

That's the new military grey bit there...

and that's the dowdy old, nasty ocean grey bit there.

Or is it the other way around?

It doesn't matter, Rimmer. It's very nice. So, how's Mrs Rimmer?

Tee-hee hoddle ha! Why don't you just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob.

I just wondered what you talked about and that, y'know?

Millions of things, Lister.

Apart from being a complete genius, that man happens to be a total delight.

- Has me in stitches all of the time. - But, he knows everything you know,

and you know everything he knows, so what do you talk about?

We reminisce, chew over old times, past glories...old girlfriends.

- Oh, you mean Yvonne McGruder? - Don't say "Yvonne MacGruder" as if she's the only one.

Well, go on then, name one other girlfriend, then.

Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that shower-room mentality.

All you need to know about Yvonne McGruder is I gave her one.

Fine, Rimmer, fine. Very nice. Very, very nice.

So, um...what's gazpacho soup?

What?

It's just that they were your last words and I wondered why?

You've been watching my death video, haven't you?

That's private! It's for my enjoyment only!

It just seems like such a strange thing to say, "Gazpacho soup..."

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't have time to sit down and bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.

I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.

But why "gazpacho soup"?

That, Lister, is something you will never ever know.

Arnold, you asked me to remind you when it was time for your Esperanto revision.

Thank you, Holly. You two, carry on.

"A to Z of Red Dwarf."

(CACKLES) I thought so!

"My Diary", by Arnold J Rimmer.

January 1st: "I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year,

"a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command,

"so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers

"may seek enlightenment through these pages.

"It is my fond hope that one day, this journal will take its place

"alongside Napoleon's war diaries and the memories of Julius Caesar."

Next entry....

July 17th: "Auntie Maggie's Birthday."

November 25th: "Gazpacho soup day."

That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.

He won't find that one.

Not until he changes his boots.

Oh! Did you see him clearly?

Did you get a good look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade? I don't think so.

I could've been anybody.

Ten and three-quarter centimetres!

Plus five for not breaking, and that is a big, big score!

The Browns have to do something quite sensational with their last bubble.

Quiet, please...

- Busy, Dave? - (CHOKES)

Well, yeah, I am, actually.

Then you won't wanna know about the super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us.

What?!

- I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate. - No, Holly, Holly, come on.

- They're from Earth. - That's three million years away.

They're from the Norweb Federation.

- What's that? - The North Western Electricity Board.

- They want you, Dave. - Me? Why? What for?

- For your crimes against humanity. - You what?!

Seems, when you left Earth three millions years ago you left

two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.

- Did I? - Do you know what happens to sausages

- left unattended after three million years? - Yeah, they go mouldy.

Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface.

Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account.

Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of the world's wealth.

And because you've hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.

Why Norweb?

You left a light on in the bathroom.

I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.

£180 billion?! You're kidding?!

April Fool,

But it's not April.

Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt.

So, you just made it all up, then?

Yeah. Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it?

You can't beat a good wheeze. Hu-huh.

I don't need a good wheeze. I can do all the excitement for myself.

No, you can't. You haven't got a clue. You're useless.

- Shh! - (RIMMER 1) Well, that's charming.

- (RIMMER 2) Shut up, Lister, will hear you.

- What's that? - (RIMMER) I make you vomit?

(RIMMER 2) Keep your voice down!

I'm not gonna stand here and take this abuse.

Oh, yes! When the going gets tough, the tough go and have a little cry in the corner.

You've got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you!

That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!!

Then why didn't he send you to the academy?

He couldn't afford it!

Oh! He sent all our brothers!

You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!

Face facts, man. Nobody likes you! Not even Mummy!

Mummy did like me! Mummy was just busy.

- She had a lot of meetings to go to. - Twaddle!

You better watch what you say about my mummy. I'm a grown man, and I'm not going to accept it-

-Oh, grow up, Mr Gazpacho!

- Mister what? - I said Mr Gaz-pa-cho, deafie!

That is the most obscenely hurtful thing...

Good!

(RIMMER) That's the straw that broke the dromedary, that is. You're finished, Rimmer.

(RIMMER 2) No, you're finished, Rimmer!

Ah, Lister... How are you?

I'm tickety-boo. What do you want?

I don't suppose you managed to get that Blu-Tack together for me, have you?

Rimmer, it's 3 am!

It doesn't matter. It can wait 'til the morning.

I'm just gonna sleep here, OK? Til you're ready.

- Everything all right, is it? - Sure. Absolutely. Yeah, sure.

- No problems, then? - No. No, no.

Things couldn't be hunky-dorier.

It's just that I thought I heard, you know... raised voices?

It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a blazing row with yourself.

(RIMMER 2) Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall! Go on! Yeah! Yeah!

(RIMMER 2) Can you shut up, Rimmer. Some of us are trying to sleep!

Obviously, we have professional disagreements,

but I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.

(RIMMER 2) Shut up, you dead git!

Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?

STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!

Lister, there's no point in concealing it anymore.

Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing major...but it goes without saying, it was his fault!

(VOICEOVER) Miles from Earth?

Deep in the heart of the Solar System and you fancy a curry?

Then why not drop in at the Titan Taj Mahal restaurant?

Enjoy the finest Tandoori cuisine at one-fifth gravity.

Just a short space-walk from this cinema.

(CHOMPING)

- Shut up! - Oh, will you stop doing that?!

- I'm trying to watch the film. - I'm only eating!

No, eating's when the food goes in your mouth! - Nyeh yeh yeh

- Afternoon. - Yeah.

- What's on? - "Orson Welles. Citizen Kane."

There's no smoking on this side. You should be sitting over there.

- Nobody's complaining. - Yes, they are. I am.

So, will you kindly move to the proper designated smoking area for the convenience of other patrons.

I thought you hated films.

Me? No. I did a film course at night school.

"Citizen Kane", eh? That's... that's Orson Welles, is it?

Ah, that's "Citizen Kane" all right. Unmistakable.

Why are you here? Where's your wife?

Don't ask me. He's nothing to do with me anymore.

Last time I saw, he was re-doing my paint work.

Changing it from military grey back to ocean grey. He's quite, quite mad!

Lister. Cat.

Excuse me. I can't see.

Shh.

Excuse me, I can't see through the back of your stupid, sticky-out-eared head.

- I'm trying to watch the film! - Yeah!

- Move! - Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random.

If you're unhappy with your seat. I suggest you move.

Right.

Now, where shall I sit? So many to choose from.

How about over there or over there?

No, that's a nice seat!

Look at this. Mr Maturity.

Will you two guys just grow up?

There's only one immature person around here, and we all know who it is.

(STUPID VOICE) Hello. What do you think of Arnold Rimmer?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

This can't go on. One of yous has gotta go.

(BOTH) Yes, him.

Look it's crystal smegging clear which one of us have got to go.

Yes, you!

Look, I was here first. I nursed Listie through those early, delicate days!

We are identical. We're exactly the same person. Only you're mentally unstable.

Ippy-dippy, my spaceshippy, on a course so true...

Past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.

Excellent, excellent decision, Listie. Turn him off.

And the one you end on is the one that stays, yeah?

It's you, Rimmer.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, just hold your horses, hang on...

It's your own fault, Rimmer.

If you'd given me Kochanski's hologram, none of this would've happened.

You made the bed, you lie in it. Drive Room. Ten minutes.

Drive Room. Five minutes.

I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death.

- I want you out. - What have I said?

Just out!

There's precious little entertainment on this ship.

I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?

Out! Go on!

(SNEERS) Don't forget to write...

you great nancy!

Lister.

Fancy a drink? Oooh. I didn't know you had any medals!

What are they?

Three Years' Long Service, Six Years' Long Service,

Nine Years' Long Service, Twelve Years' Long Service.

- Come on, just one drink. - I'll have a whisky.

- Holly, give him a whisky! - How would you like it?

Straight... with ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon.

Another?

And another.

And another. Make it a double.

So, what's this gazpacho soup business? What's it all about?

I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you.

Gazpacho soup.

It was the greatest night of my life.

I'd been invited to the Captain's table.

I'd only been with the company 14 years.

Six officers and me!

They called me "Arnold".

We had gazpacho soup for starters.

I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold.

I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot.

He did!

The looks on their faces still haunt me today!

I thought they were laughing at the chef,

when all the time, they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!

I never ate at the Captain's table again.

That was the end of my career.

Oh come on, anyone could've made that mistake.

If only they'd mentioned it in basic training!

Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels.

If only, just once, they'd said, "Gazpacho soup is served cold!"

I could've been an admiral by now!

Instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it.

- Oh, come on, you're not a nothing. - He is.

- You're right! - I know I'm right.

I never got off the bottom rung.

And do you know why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents.

I bet Todhunter was served gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids.

No, I bet he was breast-fed with it!

One side gazpacho soup and the other side freely dispensing chilled champagne! Pfff!

Is this gonna go on all day? I thought he was gettin' wiped!

Yes, go on. Turn me off. Go on, turn me off! Get rid of me.

I've already done it. I wiped the other one.

What?! You wiped... When?!

Just before you came in.

And you let me stand here and bare my soul?

Yeah! You see, I wanted to know about gazpacho soup and I knew you wouldn't tell me.

Of course I wouldn't tell you. You'd make my life a

hell with gazpacho soup jokes for the rest of my life.

Rimmer.

I promise, I swear I will never, ever mention this conversation again.

And when I swear, I mean it.

- You promise? - I promise.

Do you swear absolutely?

I swear absolutely that I promise I will never mention gazpacho soup again!

All right...

You're a bit of a slob, Lister y'know, but when it comes down to it you keep your word.

This time I'm gonna believe you.

Let's go for another drink.

Souper!

# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #